Work Text:
It was agonizing, honestly. Haku lived for Citrus, of course. Citrus was everything to him. That was simply how it was. How it had been, for a very long time, even before Citrus made his dramatic return to the stage. But it was almost too much to bear, being so close to him but not…not quite… Citrus was so close to him, physically, and yet so far out of reach. He could’ve reached up and touched him and it still wouldn’t have closed the distance that currently gapped the two of them. And Haku couldn’t just reach up and touch him, anyways. That would’ve been…too much.
But it was so hard to stand at his side and do nothing. But it would never come to pass. But Haku could be patient. He had to be. He needed to be what Citrus wanted him to be, he needed to support Citrus in a way no one else could, he needed…
Another Team Citrus meeting passed with these thoughts swirling in his head, and again, Haku was left as the only one who stayed at his king’s side. Citrus sighed in the dim light as he looked over the empty seats, excitedly vacated as soon as he’d said they were done. There were echoes of voices in the halls. “...It won’t be long now until our ideals are in place.”
“Of course, your highness.” Haku knelt down beside him, the picture perfect knight his king deserved to have, and bowed his head. Citrus was looking somewhere far, far away from this room right now. Somewhere far away from Haku. “I’m looking forward to seeing the world you desire.”
“Mm. Well,” Citrus said, standing up from his seat, “let’s go, Haku.”
Citrus stepped forward and Haku jumped up to follow him, a little bit too hasty, too quickly, and his fingers brushed against Citrus’s hand. Haku jerked back, but Citrus just glanced back at him. His hand had been very warm in the cool meeting room. Something inside Haku cracked, just a little bit. “M–my apologies, sir.”
“It’s fine.” It snapped further. “That’s not something you need to apologize for.”
Citrus turned and took another step, and whatever it was broke. Haku’s legs carried him forward faster than he meant to move and his arms wrapped themselves around Citrus’s chest, holding his king still as he buried his face into his back. He hugged Citrus as tightly as he could, ages of pent-up feelings suddenly surging to the surface.
And Citrus didn’t do anything. He didn’t say anything, didn’t move, didn’t try to pull himself away. He just stood there and let Haku hug him. His back was warm.
They stood there, together, for who knew how long. Haku had closed his eyes and leaned his head against the curve of one of Citrus’s shoulderblades. His grip was a little looser, a little more relaxed, now that he was sure Citrus wasn’t going to go anywhere. If he’d tried, of course Haku would’ve let him go immediately and apologized profusely for whatever this was, but…he hadn’t.
This was what Haku wanted. This was where he wanted to be. And Citrus was letting him stay here. Haku was so happy his heart could just burst.
“...Hey, Haku.” Citrus’s voice jolted him a little bit out of his trance. Haku didn’t let go, though. If anything, he squeezed a little bit tighter. Just a little, though. “What is it exactly that you want?”
“Wh–what? I, ah…” Haku hesitated, not quite sure what brought that on. “I just want to be beside you as you realize your ideals.”
“That’s not what this is telling me.” He tapped the back of one of Haku’s hands. Citrus’s voice was always gentle and soft, but right now, it was colder than it usually was. “Don’t lie to me, unless you’re planning on betraying me like you did BMA and B-DACT.”
“No! I…I would never…” Haku hugged him even tighter. It was true, but it wasn’t the whole truth. It was true, but how could he even begin to properly explain what he wanted when it was just…too much, for someone like him, with someone like Citrus. Staying at his side was more than good enough. He wouldn’t let anyone take that spot from him. “I…simply…”
“Haku.” Citrus’s voice was commanding, and it reverberated inside his chest. Haku could hear his heartbeat, his head still pressed against his back. “Tell me.”
“I…” What Haku wanted was…what did he want? What did he need? He was suffocating in his own self-imposed position at Citrus’s side. That was why he’d hugged him in the first place—his self-imposed restrictions had been too restrictive, and what he’d thought he’d wanted was actually a great big pretense for what he really wanted.
And what he really wanted, more than anything else, his real feelings, the selfish desire that lay at the center of his heart as it pounded in his chest, was… “...I just want to stay like this with you for a little while longer.”
“Alright.” Citrus placed his hand over Haku’s. “Not quite what I was asking, but that’s a better answer than I’d get from most people, so I don’t mind.”
“Are you sure? I…”
“It’s nice,” Citrus said, and Haku’s heart clenched tightly in his chest. “Just about everyone in our team is only here because I am, not because they actually agree with me or because of what they really believe. It’s not real conviction or even what they really want. But…” Citrus paused for a moment, and Haku wished he could see what expression was on his face right now. “I know by now I can rely on your feelings always being real.”
Haku didn’t say anything in response. He just hugged Citrus tighter. What could he say?
“Don’t betray me, Haku.”
“I won’t.”