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☾✩☽
It’s New Year’s Eve and Kim Sunoo is sitting on the window and watching the snow.
It’s winter and it’s so cold that even his bones are aching. He can feel his face getting wet, but it's difficult to move his hand to wipe his tears off. He is alone — by choice. The members are all in the backyard joking and wishing each other a happy new year. Jake just passed through him while on call with his parents and they shared a look. He knows his hyung will be back asking questions, so he will just cry for a bit while he doesn’t have to talk about this.
Sunoo knows he isn’t exactly the easiest person to deal with, he is constantly aware of his surroundings, he knows his mood swings are hard to deal with and he knows that, sometimes, he fucks up, and he wished for a bit to turn back in time. Turn back in time to when he was Riki’s favorite thing in the world. When the boy would wake up and go instantly after him, when he used to sneak into his bed and clung to him so tight that Sunoo had to tell him several times that he wasn’t going anywhere.
“I am afraid one day you won’t be here, hyung.”
“Stop saying nonsense, Riki, I’ll always be here.”
He broke the promise.
When he first acknowledged Riki’s feelings, it wasn’t any major discovery, Riki was so young and he didn't even know that what he felt was what it was. Right now, looking back at the moment, Sunoo wished he had never taken it for granted. They’ve been through a lot during I-Land, then directly to a crazy schedule, they had no one but each other.
“I would go through it all again if you were with me, hyung.”
“Would you crack the egg for me, too?”
“When I joined, my only goal was to debut, take whatever it took — then we met, and you were there, and being an idol only would make sense if it was with you by my side.”
Another shout from the backyard, and it’s almost time for a new year. Sunoo knows he has to get up and greet his friends, celebrate the great year they had, but it’s difficult when it isn't raining but his tears are completely blurring his vision. When he thinks about it, it’s all so clear now, so why did he not see it back then?
“You are home to me, Sunoo.”
“What more I am to you?”
“Everything.”
Someone calls his name and he takes a deep breath before looking at who called and it’s Jungwon, who immediately approaches him when seeing his red glossy eyes. Until a while ago, Sunoo had no one to confide in, to share his deepest fears and his regrets, but everything changed the second Jungwon firmly said that they were friends and that Sunoo didn’t need to feel alone. It was liberating — to say it to someone else, to express his thoughts, to bare his feelings. It’s been so long since he had someone to lean on.
Sunoo thinks that the worst part of losing Riki was that he was just right there, and yet, he never felt so far away.
“It’s almost time, come on, I prepared a glass of wine for us to share. I even convinced Jay hyung to let Riki drink a bit.”
“Please, I don’t want to know how did you convince hyung if it’s not pg-13”
Jungwon shared a laugh. His face was glowing and his cheeks were painted a beautiful pink, probably because of how much wine he did already ingest. “Shhh, maybe I won’t be the only virgin left in a couple of hours.”
Sunoo was scandalized and Jungwon couldn’t stop grinning, but a second later, his eyes widened as if he'd remembered he'd said something he shouldn't have.
“Oh, hyung, I’m sorry. I promised you I would never repeat it again to anyone else.”
Sunoo smiles and shakes his head. “It’s fine. No one is around but I have a feeling that everyone knows it already,”
Jungwon ponders for a second, he bites his cheek, his big cat eyes looking at Sunoo as if he could see his soul. “He changed completely, so I would say that even if we never touch this subject in our lives again, yes, everyone knows.”
“Well, come on, let’s go.” He gets up and waits for Sunoo.
“Go ahead, I’ll wash up and I’ll be there in a second.”
Jungwon nodded and went back to the celebration, while Sunoo went to the bathroom, but someone was already in there, and while he waited for the person to come out, humming some new song from their company's girl group. When the door opens, and Sunghoon comes out, he smiles at Sunoo and he finds himself smiling back to his hyung.
“So, are you going to tell me why you didn’t go to our backyard yet, or?” Sunghoon asks.
“Nah, just year-end feelings catching up, hyung.” Sunoo answers, fidgeting his hands on his cardigan.
Sunghoon nods and proceeds to let Sunoo enter the bathroom, but he stares back at the younger as if there was more to say.
“Sunoo,”
“Yes, Sunghoon hyung.”
“Would you like to have dinner soon?” Sunghoon bites his lip and Sunoo can feel his nervousness. “I mean, just us.”
For a little context, if you let Sunoo explain, if this was two years ago he would probably say yes even before Sunghoon could end his sentence. He would jump at the opportunity because — once upon a time, Park Sunghoon was everything Kim Sunoo has ever wanted.
He was all of Sunoo’s dreams wrapped in a beautiful and hot package and his eyes would sparkle, his skin would tingle and he would blush like a schoolgirl, but Sunoo is a cancer, and soon as he saw that he was being reciprocated, that Sunghoon’s eyes would linger at him for more time than it was necessary, that he would touch him more, the interest died down.
Sunoo learned something about himself after this: he did not like the easygoing, the soft whisper, the hyung talk. Sunghoon would probably be the smoothest relationship in his life. The perfect boyfriend.
Sunoo chased it for so long that he should feel something about it, and yet, the only thing he could think about was why he dismissed Riki so much, why he never took his feelings seriously, why he made so many mistakes and chose everything wrong.
Park Sunghoon is asking him out and his mind is only Riki, Riki, Riki. It must be karma.
“I’m sorry, hyung, but I’m afraid that’s a line we shouldn’t cross.” Sunoo replies.
Sunghoon visibly took his response as a surprise, but maybe he shouldn’t. “If you change your mind, you know how to find me.”
“I know, hyung, but I won’t. We are way better as friends.” Sunoo responds simply, closing the door softly.
Leading Sunghoon on would be awful for their dynamics and also, he really thinks he was just Sunghoon’s gay awakening, the possibility of him having more options and not the expected thing of him. He will find the right person, or do as Heesung and have lots of fun while it doesn’t happen.
“Do you believe in love at first sight?”
“I do.”
“How would you even know, Riki?”
“You just know. Once I fall in love, it will be forever.”
“First and last?”
“First and only.”
☾✩☽
When Sunoo arrives at the backyard, it's five to midnight and Jungwon is already waiting for him with a glass of wine in hand.
"Thank you, Jungwon." he says, taking a sip of it and enjoying the bittersweet taste of the white wine, his preferred.
They are all chatting and remembering their end of year performances. Jake and Jungwon are willing to recreate their moves, but Jongseong stops them. “No, it’s midnight in, like, 2 minutes, and I would like to use this moment to thank you guys for an amazing year, I know it’t not easy, but I’m very glad that we wrapped up our year safely and ready to work even harder next year!”
“Oh, he is such a sap!” Jake says.
Sunoo is smiling at his members, a feeling of fulfill brewing into him. Sunoo has longed for a sense of belonging for most of his life, and being a part of a group with people that respect him for exactly who he is has definitely helped him with it.
“Oh, the fireworks!” Riki says while looking at the sky, his eyes sparkling. If you ask Sunoo right now what's the best view from his year, he would say this one.
“Five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year!!!” they all said in unison.
After some minutes of congratulations and hugs to everyone, Sunoo knows who is the only person left. It’s like all sound around him is muted, and his vision is clouded. Riki coming to his direction is the only thing he can see, hear and feel. All his senses are in overdrive. It’s typical Riki, act like he doesn’t exist and in the next second give him the craziest form of affection.
Sunoo’s heart is beating so loud that he is afraid everyone can listen to it.
They share a look and it’s comforting and terrifying at the same time.
Home shouldn’t be someone else. Heart shouldn’t be another person’s smile. Soul shouldn’t be the feeling of the person you are in love with circulating your waist and using their height difference to be able to put your feet off the ground like you were made of feather.
“You’re insane. Put me down.” Sunoo says, voice muffled by Riki’s neck.
“Shhh, let me have this. Just don’t say anything.” Riki whispers to him.
Sunoo knows that they kinda of get into a headspace when together. It’s like no one and anything can bother them. Even if it lasts 2 minutes.
Riki puts him down, and looks at him. Sunoo feels like it’s suffocating to be in the receiving end of so much intensity.
“Happy New Year, hyung.” Riki says, voice low, and he uses his index finger to caress Sunoo’s cheeks.
“Happy New Year, Riki.”
Sunoo retires to his room right after. His feeling are so strong that he is afraid it's spilling all over their backyard.
☾✩☽
“Why are you denying me? Denying us? Don’t act like you don’t feel it, Sunoo”
“We can’t. Please, Riki, please, you have to understand me. You’re so young, you can’t possibly know what love means at 15.”
“Love is you, Sunoo, you are everything I love the most. I would give up all of this if this meant— you. You and me.”
“I don’t want you to give up anything. That’s exactly why we can’t. You’re going to thank me one day.”
“Why are you hurting me, Sunoo? It’s it because I’m not a man like Sunghoon hyung? Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Riki! Stop it. It’s nothing like this, jag—”
“Don’t! You don’t get me to reject me after I gave you my first kiss and then call me jagi, you don’t!”
“Li-li-listen to me, Riki.”
“No! Why are you crying if it’s me who is being rejected?”
“Because I love you, and that’s why I’m doing it. We work together, Riki, please.”
“I don’t want to talk to you anymore, I will sleep with Jay hyung tonight.”
The last thing Sunoo feels after Riki’s departure from their room is the conjecture of his heart breaking in tiny little pieces. He was doing the right thing. Why did it hurt so much, then?
☾✩☽
Sunoo is getting ready for bed. Jungwon has left with Jongseong so they can be disgustingly in love away from them and Sunghoon, Jaeyun and Heesung’s shouts can be heard from his bathroom counter. They are probably going to drink until late. Sunoo’s still thinking about Riki and what he meant with his words. Letting him have a hug as if he isn’t the reason why they don’t have more than it. After his skincare routine is finished, he changes into his silk pajamas and goes straight to his bed. The best thing that this year brought to them was the new rooms, the new house with the backyard, and a thank you from the company for such hard work.
He is rearranging his pillows and getting ready to jump into the warmth of his, now, king sided bed when his door opens and closes real fast and a six feet tall japanese boy invades his space. Sunoo has barely time to ask Riki what he wants when he feels rosy and plump lips against his. It makes Sunoo’s blood pressure sky rock and he is almost in a trance when he finally has the force to kiss Riki back. His hands go straight to Riki’s hair and he gets on the tip of his toes so he can follow the force the younger is putting on their kiss.
Riki puts his hand on Sunoo’s hair, angling it so he can kiss his bottom lip and insert his tongue in, Sunoo moans languid and that seems to be the last straw for Riki. In a swift mode, he uses his both hands to pick Sunoo up from the floor, fingers involving around the other boy’s thighs and Sunoo can’t breathe. It’s all too much, his room already feels like one hundred degrees and Riki is walking with him, and pressing him into the wall of the room without stopping their kiss.
It’s only when Sunoo feels Riki’s arousal contacting his skin that he sobers up. Oh no, they shouldn’t be doing this.
He breaks the kiss and puts his hand above Riki’s mouth. The younger boy is looking at him with one million questions. His face is rosy, and he smells like wine, expensive Dior perfume and Sunoo’s bubblegum moisturizer.
Why does he smell like he is his? Sunoo can’t resist it anymore. He wants it so much. Has wanted it for so long.
“Why are you doing this to me, Riki?” Sunoo drops his head on the younger’s shoulders.
"It's the way you look at me, hyung. I try to not want it, but you look at me and I crumble." Riki answers.
Sunoo sighs deeply and uses his hands, which are in the younger's hair, to climb off Riki's embrace. He can't think when they are too close.
He puts some distance between them, and seats at the edge of his bed.
"You can't keep it up, Riki," he looks at the Japanese boy who is staring at him intently. "You act like I don't exist, then you come into my room, fuck me like I'm the love of your life, then we are back to square one. You need to get your shit together."
Riki keeps looking at him, and Sunoo feels the air in the room getting thick with tension. They've been playing this game for a really long time and Sunoo is tired. So tired.
It's battle after battle. One month they are fine, everything is amazing. Riki sleeps with him for weeks, they flirt, they kiss, they do more than kiss when their schedules allow them. Chicago, Japan and New York were incredible. Riki was attentive, loving and indulged every moment with Sunoo. Minus the lives. When Sunoo asked for one he simply said, "not going to share you, sorry" and kissed him senseless after. It's just so momentary. Back to Korea, and they are back to being bandmates. Riki spends all their free time hanging out with the hyungs or being obsessed with K, he has time for everyone but him.
Sunoo is tired of being punished for being reasonable.
"What do you want? I want to hear you say it." Riki replies, "Because you were the one who told me this wouldn't be going anywhere and that we should remain friends."
"No, no, no, don't come putting words in my mouth, I told you that you were too young and I still think it was for the best. We were completely codependent of each other, we were all the time together, even the company was seeing it, so I had to sol–"
"What you just said?" Riki asks, voice trembling.
"I said that everyone was aware of our relationship and that it really wasn't platonic. Even our staff." Sunoo answers, voice almost a whisper.
"Why didn't you tell me? Why did you make me think that you weren't really interested?" Riki murmurs.
"I couldn't. I just loved you so much, I always knew that debuting, being an idol was your biggest dream. You were going to throw everything out of the window for some dumb puppy love, Riki?"
Sunoo felt his eyes burning, voice getting choked. He was laid bare for Riki to do as he pleased. He could choose to love him or completely shatter his heart at that moment. He couldn't look at the younger, so he kept his eyes down.
Riki murmured something that him couldn't quite catch and in the next second, he was putting Sunoo's chin with his long fingers. "Look at me, Kim Sunoo."
What was Sunoo to Riki's wishes if not to grant them all.
"Not puppy love, never." Riki starts, "You were right, I couldn't exactly pinpoint what I felt was real enough to fight for it, but it was always me and you, since ground, Sunoo. Not Riki comma Sunoo. It was always Riki and Sunoo. No matter what. It was always us. You shut me down first, kept me thinking if I saw everything wrong. Then, you left me. You weren't there anymore, and I had to keep going, even if you're just on the other side of the room."
It was snowing outside, but their tears were hot down their faces. Sunoo was fully crying now, sobbing hard enough for his body to shake.
"Shhh, don't cry, baby, you know I can't take you crying." Riki says, mouth going straight to the older boy's tears, kissing them. He kissed each side of Sunoo's face until he stopped shaking. "What do you want, Sunoo? Tell me."
Riki was met with hazel eyes shining and scared. "I want us. I want you back, I want to wake up and your cute pout to be in my pillows again. I want to go on dates and have you sing me some emo Japanese song you just heard until I fall to sleep. I want you to take me to Disney to have tea with Cinderella." Riki laughed, still face to face with Sunoo. "I want to be with you as long as we go in this life. To be the person that you come to when you are facing hardships, or to just hug you when things are not what you expected to be. I want to love you, Riki. Love you as this beautiful man you are in route to become. Let me love you ." Sunoo whispered the last part, breathing deeply and entangled with Riki.
"You know it's not going to be easy, right?" Sunoo nodded. "You know I'm controlling, that I need you with me all the time, that I can't deal with my anger issues just yet." Riki looks at him, and he feels like he has never seen something like Sunoo in his life.
He could travel and see the world, look at the most crafted landscapes around the globe and nothing would ever be like Kim Sunoo.
"We are going to learn how to do this together." Sunoo tells. "Just like when we met. It was us against the world, remember?"
"Us against the world." Riki repeated.
Outside that room they still would have a lot to figure out, a lot to forgive and a lot to settle, but, in that exactly moment, there’s no one else in the world for both of them.
Their love was born from robbed stares, soft touches and innocent smiles. Now, years later, they still love as they did day one, but it has matured. It had become something so tangible that only being close as two bodies could be would settle the fire inside their hearts.
Winter that year was one of the coldest ever faced in the streets of Seoul, but inside Sunoo’s room he was shivering for an entirely different reason.
“It’s hard to be away from home,”
“It really must be, but I can help you to feel a less lonely,”
“Thank you, Sunoo”
“Maybe I can be home away from home, Riki.”