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Heart hammering against his ribs, Zach dials Chris’ number for the umpteenth time. There’s a short pause in which Zach awaits the voice of Chris’ recorded voice to invite yet another (panicked) message. The damn phone hasn’t rang once in the twenty-something times he’s called. Always straight to voicemail.
So of course it’s no surprise, though it is marginally more irritating than two minutes ago, when the voicemail picks up yet again.
As he raps his fingers against the hood of the car, Zach waits for the beep. Anger and impatience bubbles up in his throat, ready to leave Chris a piece of hell when he finally turns his phone back on, but Zach ends up choking on his words.
“Chris! Answer me!” Zach pleads as he barely holds back a sob. He has to at least stay coherent for this. “Look just let me explain! I know this hasn’t been the trip you wanted but— god, please, at least call me back and let me know you weren’t murdered!” With a reluctant swipe he ends the call before scrubbing a hand over his face, shutting his eyes tight and taking a few deep breaths.
Leaning back against the Bel Air, Zach looks up as the sun sets; it paints the clouds orange and purple. An early star began twinkling in the darkest part of the sky and Zach can’t help but think they arrived solely to stare down at him in disappointment.
“Shut up, I’m trying here,” he says, somewhat defensively, before turning back to his phone. It’s been hours and Zach’s already investigated all the nearby shops and diners for any sign of Chris. Food, especially coffee or sweets, tends to be the go-to comfort retreat for Chris. Perhaps it was a sign that this situation was more than ice cream or hot mocha lattes could help.
In which case: Zach really fucked up.
With a small sigh of defeat, Zach looks around the motel parking lot as if Chris might finally wander up. It’s an unsuccessful tactic but it’s something to do instead of staring at his phone in dread.
“Can’t all be my fault,” Zach mutters to himself as his finger hovers over Chris’ name on his contact list. “I don’t go around kissing people because I can’t use my words.”
Suddenly his phone rings. Zach’s eyes widen when Chris’ name pops up this time.
~
Miss Ruby may not be a legitimate fortune teller with an all-seeing eye but she is a little too good at reading Chris. Riding with her wasn’t so bad at first but it did turn uncomfortable when she decided to pry a bit.
“Care to say who’s got you wound up like this?” She glances over at him for a brief moment before turning her eyes back to the road ahead.
Chris’ body goes stiff at the question. “I’m just… in a confusing situation and I need to get away for a while,” he supplies. He keeps his gaze fixed on looking out of the window beside him. The buildings and trees that blurred by were making him a little sick to look at but it’s better than thinking of Zach.
“Well it must be quite something to send you walking along the roads for that long in the hot sun.” The back of his neck and arms took the most damage from the sunlight but Chris had refused the aloe she offered him earlier.
He rests his forehead against the window, a heavy sigh fogging the glass. “It’s just that I don’t do well with relationship games. Especially ones with a lot of push and pull.” His eyes close as he imagines the look on Zach’s face after he had pushed Chris off. Now that he thought about it, that was probably the most ridiculous move Chris could make but it had felt so right at the time. “I just figure that things would be better if I left.”
“Oh honey,” she murmurs. She reaches over and pats his shoulder in sympathy. “Let’s stop for coffee. It always helps me to talk to a stranger over coffee.”
Zach is a fool, Chris thinks. His bitter thoughts rise up to the forefront of his mind before heartache clenches in his chest. He can’t keep up being angry at Zach for long. He isn’t like Zach in that respect. It certainly isn’t a new thought to him to consider that he cares more about Zach than Zach does about him.
Miss Ruby calls someone before they pull off the highway; most likely alerting one of the circus trucks ahead of her that she’ll be making a stop. Chris isn’t paying much attention until he’s settled inside a Starbucks, a refreshing iced lattein his hands. The aroma of pastries and brewing coffee helps relax him against his seat.
“Thanks,” he says, offering a tired smile. It’s purely polite.
“Well I didn’t pay for anything. You did,” she says as she stirs some sugar into her cup. “Unless of course you’re thanking me for the ride?”
“The company helps too.” He takes a sip of his coffee, the subtle caramel flavor satisfying his sweet tooth for the moment as he decidedly avoids looking at his phone which sat beside his arm. Ruby had graciously lent him a charger but he didn’t turn it on, just let it sit and soak up some juice. He couldn’t face any messages Zach might have left him right now. Whether they were angry, sad or downright apologetic. Any of those would tear Chris to pieces.
Of course there could also be nothing and that would be just as bad, if not worse.
“So,” Miss Ruby says with a sweet smile, “let’s chip away at the weight on your shoulders a bit.”
It’s surprisingly easy to tell her. Of course, Chris hesitates at first. She seems nice enough but he knows it’s far less common to meet more open minded people down here but once he gets to pouring it out, he can’t stop. Before he knows it, an hour passes and she’s finished her coffee. Her interest is fully invested in his every word though. She must love a good drama.
“Zach wants you, and you want him, but then he said he doesn’t want you?” She isn’t quite as perplexed as Chris is about this. There was something in the tiny smile of hers that suggests his story is not quite as uniquely complicated as he understands it. “All because of his last lover? Do you think this Miles simply has something that you don’t? I mean I can’t imagine it being looks or brains but Zach might be requiring something here that you simply don’t have.”
Chris stares down at his latte, over half full since the thought of Zach and their drama has soured his appetite for it. It doesn’t help that she’s onto something here. Not that Chris had any better ideas drifting amidst his clouds of confusion and frustration. “I don’t know. Miles is younger and, well, he’s a model. I can’t imagine Zach being shallow enough to boil this down to wanting him over me for those reasons but at the same time… no, it couldn’t be that. Could it?”
He admitted to wanting Chris though. So surely looks aren’t the case here?
Fingers a little numb as he grips the ice-cold cup, he chuckles to himself. “Look, I don’t spend a lot of time comparing myself to others like this. If I did that, I wouldn’t have a lot of energy to take care of my own well-being.” His laugh soon turns bitter as tears brim in his eyes. Miss Ruby is kind enough not to comment on it as he wipes a hand over his eyes to keep them from spilling. “So, I don’t know. It could be that Zach likes his hair better. I mean it’s long and curly.”
She chuckles at that. For some reason Chris wonders if he could describe her laugh as having a southern accent as well. “I suppose it will have to be something to consider,” she says. There’s humor in her eyes as she rests her chin in one hand and stares at Chris. “Now, you said that you left your car with him?”
Blushing, Chris just shrugs as if he’s just been asked if he forgot his toothbrush. “I don’t know. I was just so upset, I had to leave. I just kept walking because I couldn’t go back.”
As she taps her fingers against her empty cup, Chris wonders if his story if starting to seem at least a little unique to her. Who just abandons their car? Chris might be wealthy but he really does love that car.
Then again it’s now covered in all of Zach’s confusing feelings.
“I think you called it quits a bit early,” Ruby decides. “You made a move that was read wrong and didn’t give him a chance to explain how he was feeling in that moment.”
“You think it’s really that simple?” Chris asks. Despite how sick he is of this whole situation, he has enough energy to remain hopeful. She’s right though, there had been the option of returning to his room to calm down before talking to Zach again. He didn’t need to just fucking take off and hitch a ride with the circus.
He definitely needs to spend some time questioning his own intelligence after this.
“I think it’s worth a shot judging by how hung up on him you are.” She scoots his phone closer to him and offers a smile that reminds him of his mother when she’s trying to encourage him. It’s working. “If what you’re saying is true, then you’ve got to try.” With a friendly pat on his arm, she stands from her seat. “Now, would you like to continue onward with me or give your fella a chance to catch up?”
Chris hardly has to think over the suggestion. Things may look like a real mess between Zach and him but a little outside input is just what Chris had needed. He goes to unplug his phone to return her charger but she holds up a hand and shakes her head. “You might need it later until you get the rest of your things back. Just call now. Make it right.” With a friendly wave, she heads out of the café and into the warm air as the sun sinks lower in the distance. The glow is warm but fading fast. In that moment, Chris realizes how long it’s been and boots up his phone.
The precious seconds tick by as the iPhone takes its sweet time in turning on, then connecting to the network before finally buzzing with multiple messages. Almost all are from Zach so far. One is from Miles, but that was of very little concern to Chris. All that mattered right now is that Zach cares.
Chris frowns as he reads through the texts first. He skims through them but the language goes from pleading to angry and back again and it’s enough to make Chris’ mood droop down to his feet once more. After listening to the latest voicemail he received, he doesn’t hesitate to call.
~
The phone rings once, twice as Zach stares at it in disbelief for a moment. In the next heartbeat he’s answering it, his pulse racing.
“Chris?” His hands shake, almost expecting it to be a hallucination and the voice would be Miles’.
“Zach,” came Chris’ voice, worn and sorrowful. “Zach I’m so—”
“Where were you?!” Zach demands, both angry yet afraid; he might scare off Chris for good if he doesn’t handle this right. His voice wavers as hot tears threaten to spill over. “Where did you go?”
Chris’ breathing is a little heavy. “I couldn’t go back,” Chris admits quietly. “I didn’t stop, I just kept walking and then this circus lady picked me up. We drove for a few hours so… well I’ve stopped at a Starbucks.”
“Hours?!” Zach practically screeches. His hands shook as his eyes shut tight, chest aching at the thought of Chris honestly trying to leave him. “God, you really did try to get away.”
“Look, Zach, you messed with my head so much this whole trip! I couldn’t handle it anymore!”
“Oh and having you delete Miles’ texts out of jealousy didn’t mess with mine?” Zach’s lip quivers, biting back his urge to just cry as all of his frustrating thoughts and feelings came roaring to the surface. “You didn’t even talk to me, Chris! You just kissed me and expected to be irresistible and then you didn’t give me a chance to explain a damn thing!”
There’s a noticeable silence on Chris’ end, save for the sound of a door creaking open and then gravel crunching beneath his feet. He must be headed out to the parking lot. “Y-yeah well you said that you wanted me and I said I wanted you but then you pushed me away. Damn it, this whole trip was to get away from you, the idea of… of you with me.”
“What?”
“You were just— you’re out of my league is what it felt like and even with Miles having broken it off with you, I had given up hope on this. I just wanted to get away but then you seemed like you needed this trip too.” Chris’ words are cut off by his own quiet sobs. In that moment, Zach feels like a dagger being driven into Chris’ heart. “I do these things because I want to be the one to make you happy. I deleted Miles’ texts because he hurt you and I-I didn’t want him to do it again but instead I hurt you myself.” He pauses, breathing becoming uneven. “Zach, please forgive me. I don’t care if we only stay friends. I just want you to be h-happy.”
Zach wishes more than anything that he could be there with Chris. They both need a hug.
He sighs, opening the driver’s door and moves to sit inside the car. “Chris, I still want you but… I can’t just go back into hiding for you. I’m out. Miles is out. I don’t want you feeling like our intimacy would jeopardize your career or something.” Memories of holding hands with Miles as they strolled through New York came to mind. “I don’t want to be a risk to you. I don’t want to fear being in a public space with you because a tabloid might catch onto us and then have you become upset with me over it.”
With the door open, a cool breeze rolled into the car but it did little to bring any relief Zach. He can hear Chris’ sniffles, on the verge of breaking down but he’s fighting it.
“I want for us to just be able to be ourselves no matter where we are. I want to hold your hand and I want you to take me on dates.” It’s strange how Zach realizes exactly what he needs to say just now.
“I want that too, Zach,” Chris whispers. Zach holds his breath though, waiting for some sort of “but” to follow that sentence and shatter his soul.
It doesn’t come.
“Yeah?” Zach asks, hesitant but optimistic. His fingers clench around the steering wheel a moment. “So where do we go from here?”
There’s the sound of more rocks crunching, probably Chris kicking his feet as he paces, trying to gather his thoughts into something that can be understood by other human beings.
“I’ll get a room at the motel across the street, text you the address and wait for you here. It’s a few hours’ drive though so you should probably get some sleep and leave in the morning,” Chris mutters. Guilt tugged at him for the distance he attempted to put between them.
“Well good thing you left me the keys. I had to collect your things from the room,” Zach says, pulling them from his pocket. “I might as well go now though. I’m not the least bit tired.” There’s no way he could sleep like this anyway.
“Thanks, Zach, for not being too mad at me.” Chris’ voice is barely above a whisper but Zach’s just happy that Chris isn’t crying anymore. “I promise I won’t run off again. I really need this to work. I’ve needed this for years.”
They share a moment of silence at that. Zach has needed Chris since the day he laid eyes on him. He owes it to years of keeping his heart silent to make it right.
“I’ll see you soon, Chris. I promise you that I’m not angry anymore but I am working through this just as much as you are. Just be a little more patient with me.”
“Okay. Just… just forget that stupid kiss, okay?”
As if I could, Zach thinks to himself with a small, private smile. “Sure. I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye.” Neither of them hang up at first. They simply share the moment, hearing each other breath in sync and know that they’re both safe and had a goddamn chance of working through this now. After a few seconds, Chris ends the call.
After Zach puts his phone away, he clutches the keys in his palm a moment, running his fingers through his hair and taking a deep breath, eyes closed as he leans back in the seat. His gaze travels to the sky. That early star is a little brighter now. So is Zach.