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"We're going on vacation," he tells Clarke. It's a bright, clear morning, not too hot yet. The snow's all melted, flowers are sprouting up, and Lincoln thinks the weather should be clear for at least a few days, probably longer.
"A what?" she asks, looking up from her papers.
"Vacation."
Her smile is wry, a little amused. "Seriously, what are you talking about?"
He sits down next to her, brushes their shoulders together, deliberate. He's been touching her more, nothing sexual, nothing even romantic, just trying to get her used to it. It's been a year since she came back, and she's still set apart from most of them, even the rest of the thirty-eight. She just has that feel to her, something beyond human, a distance to the way she stands. He doesn't think she's even aware of it, that anyone is. There's just something about her.
It's bullshit, and Bellamy's going to chip it off. Piece by piece, if he has to.
"We've got alliances set up and finalized. It's spring, everyone's busy with crops and planning and no one wants to kill us right now. I already cleared it with everyone who thinks we have to clear stuff with them." He bumps her shoulder again, smiles. "I was kind of hoping they wouldn't, honestly. Just so we could leave anyway."
She smiles back, as much as she ever smiles. "I'm surprised you asked at all."
"I didn't want them looking for us." He stands and offers her his hand, and she takes it and lets him pull her up. "Raven packed a bag for you."
"She did, huh?"
He shrugs. "It was supposed to be a surprise. You've been working too hard, Clarke. For--way too long. We're taking a few days, and we're having fun."
She gives him another wry smile. "So, I get a few days off, but I have to put up with you the whole time?" she asks, and he barks out a surprised laugh.
"Just til we get there," he says, grinning. "After that, you can avoid me as much as you want."
*
"So, what exactly is our vacation, anyway?" Clarke asks.She looks lighter already, more relaxed. It still hurts a little, seeing how much better she seems when she's away from everyone. The farther they get from the camp, the happier she looks, even when it's just gathering herbs or hunting.
It's why this felt like such a good idea, and why he still feels twisted up about it.
"Are you taking me to a haunted amusement park?"
He snorts. "That's your first guess, seriously? Haunted amusement park?"
"I'm trying to remember where people went on vacations before. Amusement parks were a thing, but--if you take me to a broken-down amusement park, I swear--"
"I found this cabin," he says. "In the mountains. It's pretty nice. Near a lake and everything." He can't help grinning at her. "Remember that trip I took a couple weeks ago to get supplies? I cleaned it up, made sure we'd have furniture and stuff." She's looking at him with an unreadable expression, and his good cheer falters. "I mean, uh--" He rubs the back of his neck. "It's better than nothing, right?"
"Thanks," she says, and steps closer, puts her hand in his. "This is--this is really nice, Bellamy."
All the hair on the back of his neck stands up, goosebumps breaking out over his skin. Holding hands is uncharted territory for him, as sad as it is to realize. He's kissed a lot of girls, fucked a lot of girls. He sort of had a relationship with Echo while Clarke was gone, in that they saw each other every other week, had sex, and rolled their eyes during boring negotiations. It was fun, but there weren't a lot of intimate, romantic gestures.
And she wasn't Clarke.
"You haven't seen it yet," he says, gruff. "It could still suck, you know."
"Bellamy." She squeezes his hand. "Thank you."
"Yeah, well. I thought it might be useful later."
*
The cabin is great, if he does say so himself. He's never thought of himself as much of a craftsman, but he did good work on this place. He's come a couple times, but he's not going to tell Clarke just how much work has gone into this. She deserves nice things, and she doesn't seem to realize it. He can't fix everything, but he can do everything he can for Clarke.
He can't help doing everything he can for her.
"Okay, close your eyes," he says.
She's got a smile on her face already, and he hates it even though he doesn't want to. He wants her to be happy, but he wants her to be happy with them, and she never is. "Seriously?"
"Seriously. It's a surprise, Clarke."
"Okay, okay." She closes her eyes, and he puts his hands over them, just for good measure, pressing in close against her back so he can guide her.
"I don't care if you hate it, you have to act excited."
"I'm not going to hate it," she says. "You got me a vacation."
The cabin is mostly intact, probably because it's in the middle of nowhere. He got some chairs put up outside, nothing fancy, and a table he cut from a tree stump. Most of the furniture inside had rotted out long before he got there, so he cleaned it out and set it on fire, replaced it with his own rough work. It's nice, really--cozy and warm, the kind of place that feels like he thinks a home should.
"Okay," he says, taking a deep breath. "This is us."
He moves his hands away, and Clarke takes it in, the log cabin surrounded by pine trees, the shoddy furniture, the lake in the background, and then she grins at him.
"It's amazing, Bellamy."
"There aren't beds," he says. "And there's nothing to do."
She kisses his cheek, and he hopes she'll do that enough that it doesn't always remind him of losing her. "Amazing. Shut up and take the compliment."
"I thought we deserved a break," he says. She gives him a pointed look, and he finally cracks a smile. "Thanks, I'm glad you like it. Come on, I'll give you the tour."
*
It's not warm enough to swim, but Bellamy likes wading, rolling up his pants and feeling the stones under his toes, watching small fish scatter before him. Clarke sits on the bank with the sketchbook he brought her, with just her feet in the water. It's completely and totally mindless. He's never had so little to think about in his entire life.
"You're not bored, are you?" he asks.
She laughs. "You're totally worried they're dying without you, aren't you?"
"No, but--this is weird, right? I've never been this--" He doesn't know how to explain, and he picks up a flat stone, tries to skip it, but he still hasn't figured out the right wrist movement. "What did you do?" he asks instead. "When you were gone?"
"It sucked," she says, simply.
"That's not really an answer."
"I survived. I hunted and I wandered around and I--" She bites her lip. "Every time I forgot to feel shitty, I'd notice, and feel even worse."
He wades out of the water, sits down next to her. "I thought you wanted to leave again," he admits.
"I didn't want to leave the first time." She rests her cheek against her sketchbook, looking at him with a small smile on her face. She's not even twenty. It's easy to forget that. She's so fucking young. "I just didn't know how to stay." There's a pause, and then she laughs. "Have you been stressing out about this for a year?"
"No." He takes her sketchbook and opens it up to a blank page, steals her pencil and starts drawing. "You just still seem--I worry about you."
"You worry about everybody. It's cute."
"So do you."
She inches closer to him, right against his side, props her chin on his shoulder to watch him draw.
"You suck," she says. "What is that even supposed to be?"
"It's the lake. See, those are the trees, and that's the water, and--"
She's laughing. "You draw like a five-year-old."
"Shut up."
*
"You don't have to come back," he tells her. They've been at the cabin for three days, and he's going to start home tomorrow. But--she's seemed so easy, while they were here, so content. He can't bear to take her back to Camp Jaha if she's just going to be miserable again.
He said vacation, but it always felt like goodbye to him. She doesn't need his permission to leave, but he thinks if he gives it, she might take it.
"Hm?" she asks. They're playing chess on the stump outside the cabin; he's never seen her as happy as when she found the old chess set in the closet, the board destroyed, but the cheap plastic pieces still intact. She drew a new board right on the table, and she's been teaching him to play.
"I'll understand if you can't come back. You--" He looks away. "Do you know how much better you look when you're alone?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You leave Camp Jaha and you look years younger, Clarke. We go out and gather herbs and I can see you getting tenser and tenser the closer we get to home." He swallows hard. "It sucks, okay? You don't have to stay if it's--" She's laughing softly, which is a total shock. "What?" he snaps, scowling.
"You've never seen me alone, Bellamy. If you can see me, I'm not alone." She bites her lip, looks away. "I like being with you, dumbass."
His heart stops. The whole world stops. "Me," he repeats, blankly.
"Yeah. You." She gives him this smile, fond and amused all at once, more warmth in her eyes than he's ever seen. "I'm happy when I'm with you, Bellamy." She reaches across the table and takes his hand again. She's been touching him more too, and he thought it was just that he was getting her used to it, that he was wearing her down.
He didn't know she liked it too.
"So you're going to come back with me," he says.
"Of course I'm coming back with you," she says, rolling her eyes, all fond amusement. "Where else did you think I was going to go?"
*
The next morning, he's making them something to eat before they head out when she leans up and kisses him, dry and quick, just the press of her lips before she pulls back.
He stares at her, dumbfounded.
"I felt stupid, I should have done that yesterday."
He wets his lips, swallows, and then again when he still can't quite speak. "I should have done that last year," he finally manages, and tugs her in for a real, proper kiss, the one he's wanted to give her for almost as long as he's known her.
"You got me a cabin," she says, twining her arms around his neck. "The cabin is pretty great."
"Yeah, but--" he says, but she kisses him again, and he can't argue with that.
*
They end up staying in the cabin for an extra day; when they get back, Kane and Clarke's mother are waiting for them, arms crossed, like taking an extra day off after all they've been through is some horrible, unforgivable sin.
"This is why I'm not that excited about coming back," Clarke says, with a wry smile. And then she leans up and kisses him. "See you tonight?"
"Yeah," he agrees. "Tonight."
"Guess the vacation helped," Raven comments, dry.
Bellamy tries not to smile and totally fails. Clarke, of course, maintains a grim, serious expression. Clarke could keep her face straight through anything.
"Totally boring," she says, but she gives his hand a quick squeeze. "Who just wants to lie around doing nothing all the time? We've got work to do."