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The party was as depressing as Marlene thought it would be, and the fact that she was not enjoying herself at a party only made her painfully aware of how much things had changed—of how much she had changed.
Dumbledore had been adamant about the entirety of the Order being in attendance, which was the only reason she had forced herself to come. The Headmaster was of the idea that it would bring them together, that it would remind them of what they were fighting for.
To Marlene, it was only a reminder of how few of them were left.
The casualties had always been hard to take, but the past year had been brutal. This time last year, the Prewett brothers were still alive, as were Edgar Bones and his family. Dearborn was still missing and, even though she would never admit it in front of Lily, Marlene knew better than to be optimistic about his return.
And those people were only the ones she actually knew , because there were more deaths that Dumbledore didn’t tell them about. She’d slept with Caradoc Dearborn sometime in sixth year, and Fabian Prewett had been the second boy she’d kissed in her life. Edgar Bones had been older than them but she still remembered giggling as silly little first years with Lily and Dorcas whenever the older Hufflepuff Quidditch Captain passed by them in the corridors…
It all felt like a lifetime ago and, in a way, it was. None of them were the same people they had been any more.
“Here.”
Marlene was startled, more by the hand on the small of her back than by the sudden voice. She only slightly relaxed when she saw that it was Benjy, who was back with drinks.
She could only manage a small movement of her lips, especially when she realised he’d brought her butterbeer, and she hadn’t been able to stomach that drink since getting shit-faced drunk with it in fifth year after a terrible defeat against Slytherin that had been mostly her fault.
She pretended to drink it not to hurt his feelings, but the simple gesture of bringing it close to her mouth and getting hit by the smell made her scrunch her nose in disgust. She waited until Benjy was distracted to throw the content into some awful vase nearby. She doubted Augusta Longbottom would care at this point, having more pressing matters to worry about, such as her son and daughter-in-law having almost been killed by Voldemort himself a few days ago.
When Marlene looked up from her little mischief, she got burnt by a pair of grey eyes.
Thank Merlin she wasn’t drinking, or she would have choked on it. But anyway, her body had other annoying reactions, like her heart halting inside her chest and her breath getting caught up in her throat.
In her defence, she hadn’t expected him to attend, so she was taken aback by his presence—that was all.
She ignored that infuriating little smirk, probably caused by what she’d done with her drink, and focused on whatever conversation Benjy and Peter were having. Unsurprisingly, they were discussing Benjy’s next mission because what else was there to talk about?
“I didn’t know you were taking part in it as well, Pete,” she commented, merely to forget he was in the room.
“Oh, he’s not,” Benjy said nonchalantly, taking her aback; they had been talking about it way too freely. “He just asked when I was leaving.”
Marlene frowned, especially when Peter shifted uncomfortably. “That’s supposed to be classified.”
But Benjy laughed. “It’s not like he’s got the Dark Mark under that Rudolph jumper, Marley.”
Peter laughed as well, and Marlene forced herself to smile indulgently simply because she could still feel his eyes on her. She didn’t want to give him any more ammunition, but she still didn’t like one bit that Benjy was discussing missions so lightly with just anyone. He was one of the quickest, most talented duellists the Order had, so his level of skill usually matched the importance of his missions. Peter was low in the ranks, so he shouldn’t have been hearing or asking more than what concerned him, no matter how good friends they were.
Also, Marlene fucking hated to be called Marley . It sounded patronising to her because that was what her brother used to call her when she was little and misbehaving. Besides, it was a dog’s name, for Merlin’s sake, and she was a cat person.
“Relax, baby,” Benjy told her, bringing her closer to his side and squeezing her waist gently. “We’re all in the same team here. If we don’t trust each other, they win.”
Marlene unclenched a bit because—well, he had a point. One of the reasons she had been drawn to him in the first place had been his positivity. She was tired of feeling like a Dementor had moved in permanently inside her chest, sucking out every little spark of happiness she had left; she couldn’t live distrusting everyone around her, no matter how naturally it came to her.
She nodded and closed her eyes when he pressed a kiss on her temple. She could practically hear the sound of cracking knuckles from the other side of the room.
***
Marlene had done an overall good job of staying away from him. Even if her skin bristled in anger and she wanted to hex his balls for his audacity—there hadn’t been a second in which she hadn’t felt his accusing, offended eyes on her—, she managed to be the bigger person and keep her cool.
That was, until her idiotic best friend fucked it up.
“Lily’s parents got me this for Christmas,” James grinned, excitedly showing what looked like a Muggle camera. “It prints photos instantaneously!”
“Don’t you own one already?” Marlene asked Lily, who winced.
“Yes, but—”
“—she never lets me borrow it,” James huffed, unable to keep the indignation out of his voice. “So her parents got me my own.”
Marlene cocked an eyebrow at her best friend. “Why don’t you let him borrow it?”
Lily rolled her eyes, even if her cheeks had gone slightly pink. “Because the pictures he wants to take are—inappropriate, to say the least.”
It took her a moment to understand what she meant.
“James!”
“I suggested it one time !” he defended himself. “It’s not like I suggested making a porno for Harry to see in the future—not of those pictures, anyway.”
“But he is putting together an album,” Lily explained, accommodating baby Harry on her hip, who put his little fist in his mouth and observed both of his parents with curiosity. “He doesn’t even let me change his diapers without snapping a picture first.”
“Which is why I want to take a picture of you and Sirius together,” James said, quickly raising his hands in defence at the glare she gave him. “With Harry! A picture of you, Sirius and Harry—you are his godparents, after all, Marls. Are you seriously going to keep your godson from having memories of his godparents looking all young and sexy? Youth doesn’t last forever, you know. Don’t you want Harry to show these pictures to his friends in the future and say ‘look how fucking bangable my godmother was’?”
“I hope his language is better than that,” Lily scoffed, even if she looked amused.
Marlene rolled her eyes but she couldn’t fight the smile on her lips as well. She’d never been able to deny James anything.
“Fine,” she accepted begrudgingly. “But you have to make me look better than Black.”
A loud snort interrupted whatever James was going to say, and they all turned to find none other than the aforementioned.
Tall and carelessly attractive, Sirius Black walked into the room like he owned it. He was all dark shadows and elegance without even trying. No matter how hard he fought to distance himself from his family, his aristocratic blood and upbringing were undeniable; from his angular features to the way he carried himself, it was impossible to ignore the fact that he also had the sort of body that was lean and toned and narrow while still being muscular in all the right places. His smooth black hair was longer than the last time she’d properly looked at him; it used to fall over his silver grey eyes impetuously but just at the right length not to bother him—now, he had to push it back, which only made him more roguish.
With just one look at him, Marlene was reminded of why she had tried so hard to avoid him.
“Be realistic, McKinnon,” he said, his white teeth glinting like a Muggle commercial. “Look better than me? That’s impossible.”
She scowled but she would never admit he was right.
“Try not to let his big head take up the whole picture, James,” Marlene said, pointedly ignoring him. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”
Harry screamed joyously when Marlene took him in her arms, and her entire mood changed when those emerald green eyes beamed at her. She kissed his chubby cheek and tickled him in the stomach, making him giggle. Not even feeling Sirius’ presence towering behind her could dampen the serotonin her lovely godson gave her, especially because Harry absolutely loved Sirius.
“There he is,” Sirius said, his voice sounding soft. He reached for Harry over her shoulder and let him grab his finger. “Aren’t you the most handsome baby in the world? Are you sure he isn’t mine, Evans?”
Everyone snorted at that because Harry was James’ little clone with Lily’s eyes. For his part, Harry squealed in delight.
“If you want a baby, have one of your own and quit trying to steal ours,” Lily scoffed, shooting him a severe look; one that made her realise that, no matter how married Lily was to one of the Marauders, she would always be Marlene’s best friend first.
“Okay, get cosy,” James said loudly, sensing things were becoming tense. He raised his camera and grinned. “Harry, look at daddy! That’s it, buddy, smile for the camera!”
Harry giggled, especially when Lily began making silly faces at him from behind James to get his attention.
“Ready? One, two—”
Marlene stiffened when she felt his large hand on her hip, lower and more intimately than it should have been. Her skin burned even through the barrier that her blouse provided. His cologne hit her like a ton of bricks, and only Harry’s weight in her arms anchored her to reality.
“—THREE!”
The flash blinded her, and her smile dropped as soon as James lowered the camera. She extricated herself from the embrace before he realised she was even gone.
“Oh, it’s such a nice picture,” Marlene heard Lily say, almost sadly, as she was leaving the room with the excuse of finding Benjy.
“Could I have a copy?” Sirius asked, so low that she shouldn’t have heard him—but she did.
Marlene let herself feel the pull at her heartstrings before running away.
***
Sirius found her up in the terrace like he knew he would. McKinnon liked to be as close to the sky as possible, whether that was on a broom or at the highest floor of a house. That had also been the excuse she’d used when she’d moved in with him.
“Better view,” she had said with a shrug, before dumping all her things in his living-room and proceeding to invade his bathroom with all kinds of lotions and skincare crap.
He had tried to act outraged—or at least appear so—, but the happiness and relief of her finally getting the hint had been too great to hide. He’d wanted her living with him for a long time before that, but he would have never been able to ask her. She knew him too well, so McKinnon had taken matters into her own hands, the way she had always done.
Without announcing himself, Sirius went to the balcony she was leaning over and put the glass he’d grabbed for her on the edge of it.
“It’s not butterbeer,” he clarified, before taking a sip of his own drink.
He pretended to stare at the view—which wasn’t much, to be honest, just plain darkness as you would expect the English countryside to be at night—, but saw perfectly well the way she gritted her teeth, clearly not appreciating his comment.
Sirius should have cringed at himself for the low blow, because he had promised himself he would go to her in peace, but he couldn’t help it.
Firewhiskey. Neat. That was her drink, and Fenwick was a complete knob for not knowing it.
I know it , he thought bitterly. Why are you with him and not with me?
Sirius wasn’t sure he really wanted the answer to that question.
A soft gust of wind blew, and from the corner of his eye, he watched her move her strawberry blonde hair out of her eyes. His fingers itched to do that themselves, to feel the smoothness of it. The smell of one of those lotions she used lingered in the air, penetrating his nostrils and acting like a kick to his guts.
He’d stolen one of those lotions when she had been busy packing her things in the bedroom. He liked to believe he’d done it out of spite, but he found himself sniffing it more times than he would have liked to admit.
Sirius lit up a cigarette and offered her one silently—a peace offer.
“No. I quitted,” she mumbled, without looking at him.
An unforgivable curse would have hurt less. Smoking was their thing; all their friends hated it, so they used to sneak out of the common room all the time to do it.
“What?” he frowned. “Why?”
“Benjy doesn’t like it.”
He let out a dark laugh. “Of course he doesn’t.”
McKinnon gritted her teeth again, clearly swallowing down a reply, but she couldn’t hold it back this time, and finally turned to look at him. It was hard to see due to the dark, but the anger in those indigo eyes was unmistakable.
She was bloody fucking beautiful, a Celtic goddess sent to drive mortal idiots like him insane.
“What do you want?” she snapped.
“Nothing, I’m just having a smoke.”
“Well, go somewhere else. I’m here now.”
“Why can’t we be in the same place?”
“You know damn well why.”
“You said we were going to still be friends.” He tried not to let the bitterness show in his voice, but he didn’t think he managed.
“ Act like it in front of our friends,” she corrected, impatiently. “ We can’t be friends. We have never been able to.”
“Right, because we always end up fucking, and you have a serious boyfriend now—no pun intended there.”
She flinched, almost like she’d been the one to receive an unforgivable curse now, and he hated it. McKinnon was as hard as nails, had always had been; not even a Cruciatus would have deterred her if she had wanted to keep her composure, but he’d noticed her change. It infuriated him how the war was consuming her, and it ate at him how nothing he’d tried had helped her.
“Fine, I’ll leave,” was her response; her voice hollow.
“Of course. You’re awfully good at that, aren’t you?” he snapped, before she could even take a step towards the door.
That seemed to wake her up a little, because her face transformed, and he saw that spark he missed so much fire up her eyes.
“Oh, I’m the one who leaves, am I?” she hissed. “At least I was there in the first place. Can you say the same?”
Sirius frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“I left because you weren’t there with me, Sirius,” McKinnon screamed. “I was fucking alone, and I’m tired of feeling alone!”
“ I wasn’t there?” he shouted back. “You never spoke to me, McKinnon! You never told me what was happening to you!”
“Because you never fucking asked!” she exploded, tears falling freely down her freckled, pale cheeks. Her voice broke, and she had to stop to take a breath. “I know your traumas. I understand them. I know where they come from. But you know damn well I have those too, and yet, I was the one doing all the work.”
His heart felt like lead dropping to his feet, a lump formed on his throat.
“All the work?”
“We’re in the middle of a bloody war—a war we are losing! And you wouldn’t even look at me in the eye before I left for a mission that could have been my last! You didn’t even tell me goodbye before you left for yours!”
Sirius flinched but couldn’t bring himself to say anything.
“I know your way of dealing with the war is pretending there isn’t one at all,” she went on, and her stance changed; she deflated as if she was exhausted. “But I can’t do that. I can’t live with so much uncertainty. The idea of leaving things unsaid terrifies me and you—you never say anything, Sirius. You couldn’t even ask me to move in with you— I had to read you and figure out it was okay for me to do it, risking getting my heart broken if that wasn’t what you actually wanted.”
She shook her head, and more tears fell down. He’d never seen her like that and it was like someone was ripping off every organ of his body. He felt light-headed and lost, panic clawing at his chest to the point it was hard to breathe.
“You never even told me you loved me,” Marlene whispered brokenly.
And she has , a voice whispered in his head. She had told him she loved him; only once, but it had been more than enough to quiet any possible insecurity he may have had.
“But I do,” he rasped out, and it came out as desperate as he felt. “You know I do. I—I always have, McKinnon.”
She let out a sob and shook her head again.
“It’s too late now.”
“Don’t say that,” he choked out, reaching out and curling his hand around her wrist. It was akin to an electric shock, and she shivered. “Marlene—”
She took him aback by turning and shoving him in an attempt to get away, closing her fists and hitting him on the chest.
“Don’t you ‘Marlene’ me, you selfish, self-centred arsehole ,” she huffed, a hit for each word.
“Oh, so do you prefer ‘Marley’?” he bit back, knowing it would make her angrier.
It did, and Marlene growled with fury, raising her hand with all the intention of punching him in the face. Sirius caught her just in time, gripping her wrist to bring her closer to him; pressing their chests together. He lowered his face; his eyes fixed on hers, their noses brushing. Before she could get away, he slanted his mouth over hers and kissed her.
Marlene gasped against his lips and his arms caged her into a warm, protective embrace, tracing her bottom lip. When she opened her mouth, his tongue pressed into it and he sighed when she pressed back.
The Earth shifted, suddenly on axis again.
It had been way too long since the last time he’d kissed her, and a pit had grown inside his chest where his heart had previously been. He thought he had lost it the moment she’d walked away from their flat, but it had only been in a coma, waiting for her to come back. It came alive with her touch, and began drumming against his ribcage.
Marlene sank his fingers in his hair, and he cradled her face in his hands, moaning at the feeling of her. She was warm and soft and fitted perfectly against him. Her taste was familiar and addictive and he would have rather died than spend another minute of his life without her.
“Mar,” he breathed against her lips, and she sighed.
“Sirius…” she began, her voice a thin whisper. He pulled away, just barely to see her face; anguish clouded her delicate features. “Stop, this isn’t—this isn’t right—”
“No, no,” he grumbled, pressing their foreheads together. “ You stop. I’ve been an arsehole. I’ve been self-centred… and I’ve been a coward. You’re right. I don’t deserve you to give me another chance, but fuck, I need it. I need you .”
Marlene simply gaped at him, her eyes wide, too stunned by his honest words.
“The only reason I pretend there isn’t a war is because I’m scared shitless,” he confessed, and it felt like he was cutting his chest wide open. “And if I stop for a minute and think about it—if I stop and think about losing James or Remus or Lily or Peter—if I think about losing you— ” he drew in a sharp breath, shutting his eyes. “The idea of saying goodbye to you, even if it’s for a mission, feels like someone’s gutting me—more or less like the way I feel every fucking time I go to sleep and you aren’t there.”
His chest was heaving up and down, drained after being ripped open with the truth. His head was spinning at the fear of everything he’d said becoming real.
When Sirius felt soft fingers cradling his face, he opened his eyes, almost scared; but Marlene was still there, alive and not walking away from him.
“This war…” she began. “This war can take anything from us—at any time. But it can’t take what we have lived—and I want to live without any regrets, Sirius.”
“Do you regret us?” he dared to ask.
She shook her head, her index tracing the line of his jaw gently.
“I could never.”
“Then, move back in with me,” he said, surprising her again. But he was honest and earnest. “Fucking marry me, McKinnon.”
Her eyes widened, her jaw dropped. “That’s—That’s a bit extreme.”
Sirius couldn’t help it. He laughed at her expression of sudden horror.
“Right, I forgot—I’m not the only one with issues here.”
She shoved at his chest, but her lips twitched; the ghost of a smile crossing her face. It didn’t last long though, and her expression became sad again. Sirius didn’t like it and, for a moment, fear clawed at his heart.
“I’ve seen this before, Black,” Marlene whispered. “You won’t ever know how hard it was to walk away the first time. I don’t think I can go through all of this all over again.”
“You won’t, McKinnon,” Sirius insisted, feeling the certainty in every bone of his body. “I won’t make the same mistakes again. I will learn from this, I will read the signs now… We will fight this war together—and we will win it. There’s too much at stake not to.”
Her eyes filled with tears again and, for a dreading, heart-stopping moment, he thought she would say no and walk away again. But she threw her arms around his neck and devoured his mouth, leaving him breathless.
“Love you,” she mumbled.
“I love you too,” Sirius replied, his teeth clashing against hers because they couldn’t stop smiling.
***
Marlene unpacked her toiletries first, which made Sirius inexplicably amused. She even found an extra shelf for her, which hadn’t been there before—same as a certain Polaroid picture that she knew James was looking for, now proudly stuck on their fridge.
“What a nice, selfless flatmate I got,” she commented.
Sirius narrowed his eyes at her. “I think we should upgrade our labels, McKinnon.”
“To what? Friends with benefits?”
“No, because we were never friends. You said it yourself.”
“Boyfriend and girlfriend?”
“No.” Sirius scowled. “We won’t have a label that you shared with Fenwick.”
Marlene rolled her eyes. She had broken up with Benjy the day after the party. He had taken it better than she had expected it, almost as if he had somehow seen it coming. It had made her feel guilty because Benjy was a good man, just—not the right man for her.
“Life-partners?”
“Merlin, no. Too much.”
Marlene laughed. “What about… comrades-in-arms?”
She had said it as a joke, but he seemed to be genuinely considering it.
“I do like that,” he admitted after a while, making her snort. “We are fighting a war, after all.”
“Ah, yes, comrades-in-arms, fighting for the homeland.”
Sirius shrugged. “ You are my homeland, so yeah.”
Marlene blinked, both shocked and moved. He’d said it so easily and nonchalantly, almost like a known, obvious fact, that she was all choked up and out of words. He didn’t even seem to realise what he’d said, focused on sniffing and trying the new lotions she’d bought during their time apart.
“We’ll have to upgrade it again though,” Sirius went on, thoughtfully, as he put the lotion back on its place and took another one. “You know, after the war.”
She smiled softly at him. Marlene didn’t allow herself to think too much about the future, because it was too uncertain. However, right then, she couldn’t help but think that their lives were indeed full of possibilities.
They were alive, and that was hopeful enough.
“Yeah. Perhaps, comrade.”