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“Idiot.” Hinata mutters for the umpteenth time. There are so many things he wants to say, so many words crowding for space in his throat, but somehow it always comes back to that one. It’s not as though Kageyama can hear him anyway. The only reply to his tears and pleading is the steady hum of the machines keeping Kageyama alive and the rhythmic beeping of the monitor projecting his heartbeat to the room. Sometimes Hinata feels like this room and this crushing feeling are all he’s ever known though his mother had gently reminded him only that morning that it had been a mere three days since his world came to a screeching halt.
It was all his fault, really. The habit of looking both ways had never really stuck no matter how hard his mother had tried to engrain it into him. The smile he remembered feeling on his face already seems alien as he replays the scene in his mind. He’d been laughing and calling for Kageyama to hurry up when he’d spun on his heel just in time to see the blur of Kageyama’s body, mouth wide in a frantic shout swallowed up by the silence of the panic Hinata suddenly felt. Before he fully realized what was happening, Kageyama’s body was solid against his, shoving him to the sidewalk where he lay ignoring the uneven pavement and pebbles imprinting themselves into his skin where his shirt had ridden up. All he could do was watch and scream as the red stain on the street slowly spread. He’d crawled to Kageyama’s side, powerless to stop the ugly tears that blurred his vision.
“Tobio!” It was the only word he could push past his lips, and he repeated it over and over, clinging to Kageyama’s body and paying no mind to the blood that soaked the front of his shirt or the people who pulled at him, begging him to step back. It was only when the paramedics arrived that they had succeeded in tearing Hinata from Kageyama’s too-still body, too numb at that point to put up any more of a fight.
He’s spent every moment since then at Kageyama’s side, even sleeping, albeit fitfully, in the chair by his bed and ignoring both his and Kageyama’s mother’s pleas to go home so he could get some real rest. He has to be there the moment anything changes, either for better or worse. “Idiot.” He hisses again, overwhelmed once more by a swell of tears and white-hot anger. “What did you do that for? I’m not worth saving. It was my stupid mistake, so when did you become so selfless?” Tears fell unchecked onto the limp hand he clutched firmly in his own. “What exactly am I supposed to do without you here, dumbass? None of my plans mean anything without you, you know. They’re too big for me to achieve on my own.” He clenches his eyes shut, pressing his forehead to the back of Kageyama’s hand already slick with his tears. For a few moments, he allows himself to wallow in the utter defeat and helplessness he feels.
“Excuse me, Hinata-san?” The nurse’s apologetic voice cuts through his haze and he immediately shoots upright, dropping Kageyama’s hand to scrub at his face and give his best attempt at not looking as broken as he feels.
“Yes?” He hates how his voice breaks over the simple word. He’s even more embarrassed when he realizes that the nurse isn’t alone. Kageyama’s mother has returned, and the doctor stands silently to the side, clipboard in hand and with such pure sympathy on his face that it makes Hinata feel sick to his stomach.
“The doctor has news for us, Hinata-kun.” Kageyama’s mother’s voice shakes, but she steps toward Hinata and rests her hand on his shoulder, maybe for her own strength as much as his comfort, eying the doctor with uncertainty.
“What is it?” Hinata allows himself to hope, if only for a few moments. They’d said from the beginning that things aren’t looking good, but Kageyama is stronger than that. He’ll prove them wrong, Hinata knows it. Finally, the doctor clears his throat and steps forward.
“Kageyama-san, Hinata-san.” He addresses them and meets their gazes for a quick second before fixing his eyes back on the chart. “I’m afraid that… there’s nothing more we can do.”
The foolish hope Hinata had allowed himself to cling to for those few moments evaporates as quickly as it had come, and in its stead a tight knot forms in Hinata’s middle and suddenly he can’t see clearly, doesn’t even feel the way Kageyama’s mother’s fingers dig hard into his shoulder as she sinks into the chair next to his. Shaking her hand off, he stands, lunging towards the doctor.
“What do you mean there’s nothing more you can do? You’re telling me you’re just going to give up? Let him die?” His fingers are twisted into the lapels of the doctor’s coat, angry tears already blurring the image of the doctor’s shocked face. “He literally sacrificed everything for me, and now you’re just going to walk away and accept his fate? Well I won’t. I can’t.” Breathing heavily, he takes a single step back, swallowing hard as he recovers from his outburst.
“Hinata-san, we did everything we could. If there was anything else left to try, we would. It’s never an easy thing to admit to a patient’s loved ones, but you deserve the truth.” Hinata’s hands slowly fall from the crinkled fabric, and suddenly the doctor looks especially tired.
Hinata looks back at Kageyama’s mother and immediately regrets lashing out when he sees the raw pain in her eyes. After mumbling an apology he slowly returns to her side and wraps his arms around her shoulders, burying his face in her neck and releasing every ounce of emotion in gut-wrenching sobs that threaten to tear his body apart. To her credit, she lets him, her own tears falling silently into the mess of orange hair.
The doctor and nurse slip out silently, leaving the two bereaved souls to their grief. Hinata isn’t sure how long they stay that way, clinging to each other until his own sobs are nothing more than hiccupping breaths and a hollow feeling in his chest and she has used the last hospital-issued tissue in the box by the bed. “He really loves you, Hinata-kun.” She finally whispers hoarsely, making his breath catch in his throat and the backs of his eyes sting all over again. “You reminded him how to trust and how to love, and he thinks the entire world balances on your fingertips. It’s not hard for me to understand why he did what he did.”
“I-” Hinata isn’t sure how to respond at first, but he has to say something. Her wide, bloodshot eyes demand it. “I love him. He’s everything to me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without him.” He knows that with absolute certainty. “And this is all my fault. I’m sorry.” He can barely choke out the words.
“He’s a grown man, Hinata.” They stubbornly continue to speak in the present tense, not willing to let him go that easily. “He made his choice fully knowing what might come of it. He would be at peace and I think he’d want us to be too.”
Hinata only nods in response, no longer trusting his voice to respond verbally. She falls silent, eyes fixed on the still form in the bed and mind clearly miles away. Suddenly, he can’t take the press of silence and finality that has permeated the room. “Coffee.” He chokes by way of explanation before he ducks out of the room, leaving mother and son to have their few precious moments.
The coffee vending machine is probably older than even Hinata’s 23 years. It jerkily deposits a Styrofoam cup atop a coffee-hued ring and soon hisses and spits a bitter-smelling brew into the cup. Hinata knocks back a swig of the acrid beverage, hardly even classifiable as coffee, but he doesn’t mind the way it burns all the way down and completely scorches the inside of his mouth. It’s a jolt of something other than heartache, so he welcomes it.
When he finally returns to the room, Kageyama’s mother hasn’t moved a muscle. He silently joins her, taking back up the familiar vigil. He thinks bitterly that he’s had more time in the past days to memorize Kageyama’s features than he had in the eight years he’d known him. His dark fringe falls over closed eyelids, lashes just brushing his cheeks as though he is in nothing more than a peaceful sleep. Even the normal frown that tugs at the ends of his lips is smoothed. His broad shoulders and chest are uncharacteristically still save for their occasional rise and fall. His muscled arms ending in capable fingers rest demurely at his sides, not poised as they usually are for an electric toss, to give Hinata’s hair a more or less affectionate ruffle, or to pull Hinata close to his chest. It’s still undeniably his body, but it looks so foreign lying beneath the rough hospital blanket that Hinata soon has to drag his eyes away. When he does, he finds Kageyama’s mother with her head nodding to her chest, finally having given in to the exhaustion and grief of the day. Hinata knows well enough not to hope for the same relief. Sleep would not be so kind as to claim him. Not tonight.
Just as he reaches for Kageyama’s limp fingers to press their clamminess between his own, movement in the corner of the room catches his eye. When he turns his head, he leaps to his feet in a scramble to put himself as far away from the figure as possible. He rubs his eyes thinking, at first, that it and the thin, ethereal aura surrounding it are nothing more than a product of too many tears, but even after digging the heels of his hands into his eyes, the soft glow remains.
“Who are you?” He demands, glancing to Kageyama’s mother who, to his consternation, hasn’t stirred from her slumber. “Are you… death?” Maybe it’s a ridiculous assumption, but given the frazzled state of his mind it seems plausible. He moves closer to Kageyama as if to protect him from the inevitable with nothing more than his slim frame.
“No.” The being – a grandfatherly man, if you could call it that – shakes his head, an amused smile playing across his features. “I suppose you could call me life, more accurately. You are pure of heart, and your beloved made a selfless choice. I’m here to give you opportunity to do the same.”
“I’ll do anything.” Hinata doesn’t care if this is a dream, that fact remains. The being chuckles.
“You are also hasty. Hinata Shouyou, the worth of a life is more than a trifle. You must consider this offer carefully. I can give your Kageyama Tobio his life back, however what you must sacrifice in return may not be worth the trade.” Hinata stares, dumbfounded. Perhaps this being has underestimated him.
“I don’t care what you take from me. Take my own life, for all I care. Just bring him back.”
The being lifted a single finger in a ‘hold-on’ gesture. “I will give your beloved his life back if, in return, you agree to sacrifice every single memory you have of him.” Hinata’s breath catches in his throat. He looks from Kageyama’s still-sleeping mother with tearstains on her cheeks to Kageyama’s still form and pale face. For the slightest of moments he’s uncertain, but all of that washes away quickly. He loves Kageyama, and against all odds Kageyama loves him back. Even without his memories he’s certain that it won’t be long before the dark-eyed setter takes hold of his heart once more. From the day they’d met an electricity had flown between them, and no level of memory erasure can destroy that.
“I’ll do it.” A fire fills Hinata’s grief-dulled eyes for the first time in three days, and the being nods, seeming to deem him sincere. “But wait.” He suddenly blurts. “Promise me something?” An amused smile quirks at the being’s lips, but he nods for Hinata to continue. “Promise me you’ll come back, and explain why I don’t remember him. He-he’ll be really hurt and confused, otherwise.”
The being grunts. “It’s not protocol…” He strokes his chin, thoughtful, meeting Hinata’s wide, plaintive gaze with his own steady one. “But I think I can spare a few moments.” Hinata’s wide smile at that elicits a small but genuine one in response. “Sit down. It won’t be an easy process on your body.” Reaching out to Hinata as he complies, the being pauses, hand hovering in midair. “You’re certain?” He verifies, a single brow raised. A firm nod is Hinata’s only response, and soon after the warm fingertips press to his forehead he’s swept into a deep sleep, feeling nothing but contentment with his choice.
*
The first thing Kageyama notices when he wakes is the striking absence of Hinata’s warm body at his side, burrowing against him and begging for ‘just five more minutes’. Hinata would never wake before him, barring some major catastrophe. At that thought his eyes shoot wide and he sits straight up in bed – or rather he tries to. A blanket is tucked too firmly around him, and something hooked to his wrist and his chest tugs in resistance. As he becomes more aware of his surroundings, he realizes that he isn’t even in the bedroom he shares with Hinata at all. He squints first at the plain, white walls that surround him, then at the rough woolen blanket and the IVs poking from his wrists. Memories start to resurface in flashes. There’s Hinata, rushing into the street without looking. A car is speeding towards him, and Kageyama’s first reaction is to push him out of the way, putting himself in the collision path. After that, most of what he remembers is red-tinged pain and Hinata sobbing his name, followed by solid black.
Turning his head to the side, he nearly jumps out of his skin to see both his mother and Hinata there. His lips tremble at the sight of his mother’s face, streaked with tears that had long dried and with noticeable bags beneath her eyes. Hinata is completely slouched over in his seat, his wild orange head of hair resting on the edge of the bed. Just how long had he been asleep? He certainly doesn’t feel as though he sustained any major injuries. In fact, he feels better than he had in quite some time. He guesses coach will be happy to hear that.
“Mom?” He whispers, and at the sound of his voice she wakes with a start, eyes growing wide as she lunges toward him, wrapping her arms securely around his neck and squeezing so tightly that for a few moments spots float across his vision.
“Tobio!” She’s grinning like it’s Christmas when she pulls away once more, cupping his face in her palms. “I can’t believe this.” She breathes. “The doctor said… but it doesn’t matter what he said! Hinata-kun!” She’s shaking Hinata’s shoulder entirely too gently, Kageyama notes with a small smirk. Hinata could sleep even if a freight train were barreling through their room. To see Hinata here, whole, and unharmed fills Kageyama’s heart nearly to the bursting. Whatever he’d gone through, he’d go through it again just for this moment.
“Oi, Dumbass.” He nudges his head, hard, with his knee, ignoring his mother’s chastising cry of his name, and Hinata sits upright with a start, mumbling incoherently as his eyes scan the room before lighting on Kageyama. He doesn’t return Kageyama’s smile or reach out to take the offered hand. If anything, the look on his face is blank.
“O-oi.” Kageyama feels a pit start to grow in his stomach. “Shouyou…”
“Wait…” Hinata begins slowly. “What am I doing here?” Even his mother is beginning to look concerned. “How do you know my name?” His golden gaze turns once more to Kageyama, but he doesn’t find a hint of familiarity there. At first Kageyama surmises that it must have been some kind of amnesia thing, that he’d pushed him to the concrete too hard and he’d hit his head, but that doesn’t make sense. If he hadn’t been able to remember him since the accident, what was Hinata doing here sleeping by his hospital bed?
“It’s – it’s me, Kageyama. Tobio.” He tries both names, with no success. “Your… boyfriend.” He’s almost hesitant to let the word slip from his lips given the already-bewildered look on Hinata’s face.
“My…” Hinata mouths the word boyfriend and looks at Kageyama hard. “You mean I-” He stops short, dropping his face to his hands as if the very thought pains him. He might as well have stabbed a dagger through Kageyama’s chest. “What do you mean?” He demands suddenly, lifting his head and looking from Kageyama to his mother.
“Are you feeling alright, Hinata-kun?” His mother murmurs, ignoring his question entirely. “He hasn’t been sleeping much lately…” Kageyama can’t tell whether the statement is directed towards him or whether she’s puzzling to herself. “Maybe it’s a delayed reaction to the accident, the stress or even falling to the sidewalk…” Her voice trails off, and when her eyes light on Kageyama once more a smile appears beneath the worried crinkle of her forehead. “Maybe I’m dreaming.” She suggests suddenly, and Kageyama finds himself wondering the same thing. “Do you even know how injured you were?” Suddenly her eyes are misted over with tears. “They told us you were going to die! That there was nothing more to do!” Her voice chirps higher and higher, bordering on hysteria.
“Well… I’m here.” He lets his gaze travel to Hinata once more, feeling himself begin to flush at the scrutiny he finds there. He seems to have been rendered speechless, clearly worrying the situation in his mind as he pulls his lower lip between his teeth and a slight frown creases his forehead. Kageyama wishes more than anything that he could lean forward and kiss it smooth, but this Hinata would most likely only recoil in horror. Even when the nurse wanders in and her eyes grow wide, rushing off to fetch the doctor and making Kageyama wonder with a shiver just how close he had actually been to dying, he can’t tear his focus from the Hinata that is just unfamiliar enough to throw him off-kilter.
“This is amazing.” The doctor’s sputtering, suddenly inches away from his face and examining every inch of him in fascination. “Nothing hurts? You’re not sore?” Kageyama has a growing ache in his chest, but he’s fairly certain that has little to do with having been hit by a car, so he shakes his head. “Amazing!” The doctor repeats, still close enough to render Kageyama more than a little uncomfortable. Hinata is watching all this in partial fascination and partial disbelief, eyes still not leaving Kageyama’s face for more than a few seconds at a time. When Kageyama’s mother pulls the doctor aside for a whispered conversation, Kageyama can’t help but huff a sigh of relief.
The doctor turns around again, and Kageyama braces himself, but instead of approaching him the doctor rests a hand on Hinata’s shoulder, peering into his face. He hums in concentration, flicking his pen light between Hinata’s eyes. In normal circumstances Kageyama wouldn’t have been able to hold in a burst of laughter at the pure consternation written across Hinata’s face.
“Everything seems fine.” The doctor puzzles, glancing once more into Hinata’s eyes but clearly itching to turn back to Kageyama. “No signs of concussion. After yesterday, I wouldn’t be surprised if this has come about from stress more so than the actual trauma of the accident.” Kageyama shoots a curious glance in his mother’s direction, but her only response is to mouth later.
After a few rounds of tests and more poking and prodding than Kageyama ever hopes to endure again, he’s released from the hospital with what the doctor terms an ‘impeccable bill of health’. For some reason, Hinata’s stuck around through the whole thing, but he looks more shell-shocked than anything. Kageyama’s mother announces that she’s going to take them both home, and when she asks Hinata, tentatively, exactly where ‘home’ is for him, he rattles off the address of the apartment they’d shared for the past four years. Kageyama feels his jaw drop open. He’s still struggling to wrap his mind around this new Hinata, and this newest revelation only adds to the enigma he’s become.
Kageyama can’t help but hope that, just maybe, seeing their apartment will spark something in Hinata to trigger his memories, but when they step inside all that happens is that Hinata turns to Kageyama with wide eyes and asks, “You live here, too?”
He looks about as lost as Kageyama feels, and it nearly kills him inside. He has to squelch the desire to pull Hinata into his arms and shower his face with kisses, the memory of his joy at seeing Hinata safe and sound only serving to mock him. “Of course I live here.” He frowns. “We live here.”
“I don’t remember.” Hinata’s voice shakes, and the apology written all over his face is what knocks the breath straight from Kageyama’s lungs. His mother has slipped out with an indecipherable expression though he pleaded with his eyes for her to stay. It’s just the two of them now, and Kageyama has never felt more alone in Hinata’s presence.
“This is my apartment.” Hinata states, beginning a slow round of the kitchen, tracing his fingertip over the countertops. “My table. My refrigerator.” He moves on to the living room. “My sofa. My bookshelf.” He pauses when he reaches the jumble of duffle bags, sneakers, and a volleyball all stacked haphazardly in a corner of the room. “My volleyball gear.” It’s clearly enough for two, and this is what has given him pause. “Do you play volleyball, too?” For some reason, this is the question that breaks him, and Kageyama can’t hold back the tears that have been threatening at the backs of his eyes ever since he met Hinata’s blank stare for the first time.
“Yes. We play volleyball. We play on the same team. We have since high school.” His voice comes out high-pitched and sounds far away, morphed by the tears that now stream freely down his face.
“I can’t remember.” Hinata chokes, now slowly rocking on his heels. “I can’t remember. I’m so sorry.” Now tears have filled his own eyes. “I don’t know you.” He whispers, catching Kageyama’s gaze. “I don’t know you, but I’m supposed to. I’m hurting you.” The very Hinata-like concern in his gaze makes Kageyama choke on the breath he’d just taken.
“I just need some time.” Kageyama closes his eyes for a few moments, blocking out the image of Hinata’s watery eyes and downturned mouth.
“It’s late anyway.” Hinata murmurs. “I’ll sleep on the couch.” He must sense that Kageyama has opened his mouth to protest, because he quickly continues. “You just got out of the hospital. Maybe I don’t know who you are right now, but I’m not completely heartless.” With a reluctant nod, Kageyama moves to grab Hinata’s pillow and a blanket from the bedroom, suddenly incredibly weary.
“Maybe I’ll remember tomorrow.” It’s not hard for Kageyama to decipher that the hope in his eyes is a hollow one. He still knows Hinata inside and out, after all. All Kageyama can do is nod and feign hope along with him. “Goodnight.” Hinata finally chirrups, forcing a smile that is only a shadow of its usual brilliance. When Kageyama turns toward his bedroom, it’s only because he can’t stand to see the stranger that has overtaken his beloved’s body for another moment.
Kageyama allows himself the luxury of crying himself to sleep, letting his clogged sinuses and burning eyes blur the edge of the pain he feels and curling into himself because there is no warm body to hug to his chest. Not tonight, and maybe never again. That though sets off another round of tears and stifled sobs. Hinata falling in love with him once was a miracle in itself; to dare hope that it might happen a second time is entirely too much for Kageyama to wish for. It is with that thought on his mind that he drifts into a fitful, nightmarish sleep.
He’s wakened by what he first assumes is the first light of the sunrise splashing across his face as it always does because the blinds never have closed perfectly tightly. When he rubs his swollen eyes and squints into the room, however, he realizes that the light is radiating not from the wedge between the blind and the windowsill but from a figure perched on the edge of the bed. With a hoarse shout he drags himself upright, back pressed to the wall behind the bed.
“Kageyama Tobio.” The being speaks his name before he can find the words to demand anything of it. “I’m here by request of your Hinata Shouyou.” Kageyama feels his frown deepening as he scrubs the last of the sleep from his eyes.
“What are you talking about?” He spits. “My Hinata Shouyou doesn’t even know who I am anymore.” His voice breaks over the words.
“And that is precisely why I’m here.” The being explains patiently. “You were in a terrible accident.”
“I already know that.” Kageyama growls, irritated and wishing the strange old man would just get to the point.
“You were dying. In fact, you were moments from death when I resuscitated you. You made a selfless choice when you sacrificed your life for your beloved. I merely gave him opportunity to do the same. He made the choice in a heartbeat, and without a twinge of regret. He wanted you to know that.”
“What are you going on about?” Kageyama feels more confused than anything.
“Hinata isn’t suffering from amnesia, and his memory loss isn’t a result of stress. I simply offered him a trade: your life for his memories of you. He accepted.”
It takes a few moments for Kageyama to piece everything together. To think that Hinata would sacrifice every single golden memory they shared just so that he could go on living – Kageyama feels his hands clench into fists. “Are they still in there? Can he get them back?” He demands.
“It doesn’t work that way. Once it’s done, it’s done. No reversals. These trades are simply one-way deals. I shouldn’t even be here now, to be perfectly honest. He certainly is persistent, though.” The being half-shimmers out of existence but solidifies again before Kageyama can cry out for it to stay. “One last thing before I go.” It goes on. “He loved you terribly much, and he had faith that the two of you would find what you had again. All is not lost.” This time the being fades until it has completely disappeared, leaving Kageyama alone and dazed. He can’t decide if this revelation makes him feel relieved or sick to his stomach. It isn’t until sheer exhaustion overtakes him that he gives in to sleep once more.
When Kageyama wakes the next morning, he can’t help but hope that the events of the past twenty-four hours had been nothing more than a fantastical dream, but he reaches over to find the other side of the bed just as cold and empty as it had been when he crawled wearily under the covers the night before. He shuffles to the living room, half allowing himself to hope that last night’s visitor had been a dream, some product of his worn, frazzled state, and that perhaps Hinata had remembered him after all.
He finds Hinata staring intently at a framed photograph that had been propped on top of the bookshelf. Kageyama knows the photo well. It’s from their third year of high school, taken moments after their inter-high victory. His Hinata is positively beaming up from it, arm slung around Kageyama’s shoulders as he presses their cheeks together. Every time Kageyama looks at that photograph he remembers the electricity of the day, the warm thrum of victory and the warmer sensation of Hinata so close to him. Now, looking at it, all he feels is a hollow ache.
“I was crazy about you, huh?” Hinata finally murmurs, carefully setting the frame back in its spot as he turns to meet Kageyama’s gaze. “Do we have practice today? I can’t really remember what day it is.” He admits, changing the subject so quickly it leaves Kageyama reeling.
“Y-yes. Practice.” It’s all he trusts himself to say as a thick feeling rises in his throat.
“Maybe volleyball will help me remember. It looks like we really enjoyed playing it together.” Finally, Kageyama can’t take it anymore.
“Stop talking about us like it happened in another lifetime!” He bellows. “We do enjoy playing together. More than anything! We sleep in that bed together every night and we eat at that table together every day. We’ve lived here for four years and sometimes you annoy the hell out of me but there’s no one I’d rather be with at the end of every day than you.” He can’t see Hinata’s face anymore because angry tears have completely blurred his vision, but when he feels a soft touch on his arm he jerks away. “And just like that everything we’ve built together is gone.” He realizes then that he’s angry at Hinata. Angry that he doesn’t remember him. Angry that he would do something so stupid as to give up his memories of him, because what is his life, anyway, if Hinata doesn’t remember him in it?
“I want to remember.” Kageyama hears tears in Hinata’s voice. “I want to remember, god damn it! You’re supposed to be someone who’s important to me, and I’ve been hurting you constantly ever since yesterday, and that already makes me feel enough like shit!” They’re both breathing heavily right now, facing off in a way that’s bitterly familiar to Kageyama.
“We have to go to practice.” Kageyama finally declares woodenly, pulling his own things from the jumble in the corner of the room as he stalks to the bedroom to change, holding back the hot tears because he can’t show up at practice with tearstains on his face.
He doesn’t really remember what he tells the coach before practice. It’s something about Hinata having lost his memory after the accident (because who would believe a story about a glowing being who took Hinata’s memories away to save Kageyama’s life?). Coach seems a little concerned and questions whether either of the two should even be playing, but they both insist. They need this. Practice hurts even more than he thought it might. Hinata capably hits every variation of his regular tosses as well as ever, but when it comes to their freak quick Hinata’s palm whistles through the air without even the promise of contact with the ball every time. It’s all Kageyama can do not to unleash another outburst on Hinata, because the pain in his eyes shows that he’s already suffering enough.
When they arrive home, aching and exhausted, dinner preparations are an abnormally silent affair. There’s no bickering, no shoving each other out of the way to find ingredients in the fridge, and Kageyama hates it. They work together simply, each doing no more than his fair share. For once, nothing’s burnt, but Kageyama would eat charred food every day if it meant he’d see a smile that knew him across the table.
After the dishes are washed and put away, Hinata sits stiffly on the couch as though he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. After a moment of hesitation, Kageyama joins him, if for no other reason than to selfishly linger in the warmth that always radiates from Hinata’s body. The TV is on, but Kageyama doesn’t think either of them is paying much attention to the action on the screen.
“Tell me about us.” Hinata suddenly blurts, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “I want to know everything. I want to remember.”
Kageyama is taken aback. His Hinata knows that he’s not any good with words. That’s why when they go out Hinata usually ends up doing all of the talking for both of them. You won’t remember. You can’t remember, Dumbass! He wants to shout. “I – I don’t know where to start.” He sputters instead, already feeling his face flush.
“The beginning.” Hinata says simply, as though it were the most obvious place in the world. Kageyama has to gather his thoughts for a few moments.
“We met near the end of our third year of middle school.” He finally begins, deciding to stick with facts for now because feelings are entirely too difficult to put into words. “At a volleyball tournament. I was in Kitagawa Daichi.”
Hinata nods slowly, a hint of remembrance flashing across his face. “I remember that game. They creamed us.” He scrunches his eyes closed, thinking hard. “I don’t remember seeing you there, though.” He’s apologetic.
“You should.” Kageyama laughs weakly. “You stood on the steps of the gym afterwards and cried because you were so determined to beat me. You vowed to defeat me one day.”
Now Hinata is frowning. “So what happened? How did we…” Kageyama shrugs. He actually remembers the whole thing, and it’s still a little bit of a mystery to him as well.
“Somehow we ended up at Karasuno together. Boy, were you pissed to see me there.” He can’t help the slight smile that floats across his face at the memory. “But to be fair, I wasn’t too happy to see you, either. We hated each other’s guts, but when we played together it was something different. I – in middle school, I didn’t toss for the spiker. I tossed to win.” He deemed that a little backstory was necessary. “But then you came along with your boundless energy and somehow you hit those ridiculous tosses.”
“So that’s what you were doing this afternoon at practice?” Hinata puzzles.
“Yeah.” Kageyama confirms with a nod. “I thought maybe – I thought even if you didn’t remember me you’d remember how.” Tears threaten once more.
“I’m sorry.” Hinata murmurs, gaze so plaintive that Kageyama has to look away. “We had – we have something special.” He carefully corrects. “I’m going to find it again. I’m going to remember. I’m not going to let you keep going on with that heartbroken look on your face. It’s not right.” He’s so determined Kageyama almost believes him despite what the man last night had said. “What happened next?” Hinata finally prompts, a new resolve glowing in his eyes.
“I learned how to be part of a team. I learned how to trust everyone. I learned how to trust you. I found myself wanting to make you successful, wanting to see that smile that was always on your face when you spiked my toss. I told you that as long as I was there, you would be invincible.”
Hinata has grown starry-eyed. “You said that to me?” He asks, voice hushed in awe. “Kageyama-san, I don’t know if I even deserve someone like you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” He grumbles. “If anything, it was always the other way around, dumbass.” The familiar phrase falls from his lips unbidden, but Hinata’s shock quickly turns to a soft smile, eyes misting over with tears.
“I really want to remember.” He whispers hoarsely.
One day at practice, determined concentration written even in the creases of his face, Hinata slams a freak quick to the ground on the other side of the net, eyes immediately and eagerly seeking Kageyama’s approval. A piece of Kageyama’s heart falls back into place. As the days pass, they fall into a new pattern of normal, and while there are nights when Kageyama still cries himself to sleep and wakes from nightmares with his chest heaving, he slowly begins to feel as though his Hinata really is coming back.
Bit by bit, he tells Hinata the story of their friendship, of their love. He had never thought it anything remarkable until he sees the rapt, starry-eyed looks on Hinata’s face and hears his whispered exclamations. He tells stories about high school, of their late night study sessions and struggles to get passing grades so they could stay in the volleyball club. He tells of the day they both got admitted to their school of choice, chosen together because together they are stronger. He tells of their struggles to make it here in this cramped apartment away from home, of how between volleyball and school work some days the only time they had a chance to really talk was between the sheets before their eyes slid shut from exhaustion. He tells of their adventures in other cities, out in the wide world for the first time, but not terrified because together they can face anything. Hinata eats every single story up.
“Tell me the story of our first kiss.” Hinata demands one day, without a trace of shame. Kageyama feels his face flush hot at both the question and the memory.
“I’m not sure you want to know.” He jokes weakly, but Hinata nods insistently. “Well..” He shifts uncomfortably until his knee is no longer brushing Hinata’s. “We were arguing about something.” He can’t remember what, nor does it matter. “You were getting all in my face, because that’s just how you are.” Hinata nods at that, not bothering to deny it. “Suddenly, you stopped yelling mid-sentence and just stared at me. Before I even knew what was happening you grabbed the collar of my jacket and… you kissed me.” He rubs the back of his neck in an attempt to calm the tingling sensation that prickles there. “That was when everything changed.” He finishes softly.
“Ooh.” Hinata breathes softly, suddenly not meeting Kageyama’s gaze. “It was probably because of your eyes.” He blurts, giving Kageyama pause. “I mean!” He sputters quickly. “Your eyes… they’re nice, but kind of intense. It’d be easy to get caught up in them.” Hinata mutters. Kageyama feels his breath catch in his throat as a very familiar look fills Hinata’s face. “It’s not hard for me to see why I fell for you.” Hinata finally finishes, his own cheeks flushing red.
The first time he and Hinata truly bicker like they used to, Kageyama finds himself grinning from ear to ear. They’re making dinner, and Kageyama holds the box of rice Hinata had been reaching for just beyond his fingertips. “Oi, Bakageyama!” Hinata yelps, and suddenly, for the first time in a very long while, everything feels right in Kageyama’s life. Hinata’s laughter echoes through the kitchen and suddenly the apartment is home again, if only for those few moments. For the first time Kageyama allows himself to think that, just maybe, there is hope for Hinata to return his feelings, hope for Kageyama’s life to be set back on its feet.
“What made you love me?” Hinata asks one night, completely out of the blue, causing Kageyama to drop the noodles from his chopsticks and stare at Hinata open-mouthed. “I just – I thought it might help to know.” Hinata shrugs. “And most days I just can’t figure it out for myself.”
It takes a while before Kageyama can even begin to answer. “The first thing that made me feel anything was your face when you hit my toss.” He finally begins hesitantly. “It was a feeling I didn’t have when Asahi, or Tanaka, or Daichi spiked it. It was like you completely trusted me to get the ball to you, no matter what. Do you know what that kind of blind trust can do to a person?” He asks weakly, not expecting an answer. “You always stuck with me. You pushed me to improve, and you didn’t let me make excuses for myself. You were my best friend. I think the first time I realized that I felt anything for you beyond that was in the middle of a match in inter-high our first year. You told me that as long as you were here I was invincible. It was true, you know. With you, I always felt like anything was possible, like I could do anything.” He can’t help thinking back to the day of the accident, how he hadn’t even thought twice before shoving Hinata out of the way of that speeding car because nothing in the world was more precious than Hinata’s life. He feels tears spring to his eyes unbidden, and is surprised to see a sheen in Hinata’s eyes to match. “You’re the most important thing in the world to me.” He finally chokes out. Hinata doesn’t say much after that, but he doesn’t have to. It’s clear that Kageyama’s words have resonated further with him than anything has before.
It happens when they’re walking home from practice a few days later. Kageyama’s arm is swinging lazily at his side, the fall breeze is caressing his face, and it’s a quiet moment of perfect contentment. Suddenly, Hinata’s hand finds its way to his and slides into the space it’s always been meant to fit. Kageyama stops in his tracks, barely daring to glance at Hinata and finding a warm smile spilling from his face. “Is this okay?” Hinata asks softly, grip on his hand loosening.
“Of course it’s okay.” Kageyama knows his face is bright red, but he grips Hinata’s hand tighter, a wave of euphoria coursing through him at the warm, familiar feeling of these fingers woven between his, palm to palm. “It’s more than okay.” He adds, unable to keep his voice from shaking. That night, he falls asleep with a smile still fixed on his face.
One evening not long after, Hinata curls into the sofa next to Kageyama, allowing their shoulders to brush as he has been of late. Kageyama feels more than sees Hinata’s gaze fixed on him and finally turns to meet it, curiosity finally getting the better of him. “Can I ask you something?” He asks in a small voice, twiddling his thumbs and suddenly not quite meeting Kageyama’s gaze. Kageyama shifts to face him.
“You pretty much already know the whole story.” Kageyama shrugs. “Honestly, there’s not much more to tell.” Hinata immediately turns bright red.
“That’s not exactly what this is about.” He finally admits. “I just… I don’t think my memories are going to come back.” Kageyama nods calmly. He’d come to terms with that fact a long time ago; as long as Hinata is content to remain by his side either way, it’s enough. “And well, I know I’m not quite who I used to be, but… I was wondering if you’d let me be your boyfriend again. Because, Tobio,” He rushes on before Kageyama can even open his mouth to respond, “I don’t need my memories to know that you’re the only person I could ever love. And I do, Tobio. I love you.” When he meets Kageyama’s gaze again his eyes are wide, golden, and tentative. Kageyama hasn’t moved a muscle, but it’s only because hearing those three words from Hinata’s lips has rendered him numb. “And maybe I’m not the Hinata Shouyou that you fell in love with, but I hope I can be enough.”
He can’t go on because suddenly Kageyama crushes Hinata to him, not caring that a single tear has slid down his cheek and landed in the messy orange mop and is soon to be followed by more. When his mouth finally finds Hinata’s, all he can taste are their mingled tears, but somehow he thinks it’s the sweetest kiss they’ve ever shared.
“I love you too, Shouyou.” He finally confirms, roughly. “I never stopped. I couldn’t have if I wanted to. Having you with me is all I’ve ever needed.” Hinata buries his face in his chest, and he lets him. Maybe it’s his imagination, but for a brief moment he thinks a wrinkled smile shimmers before his eyes before he closes them to soak up the intense joy he feels. That night spent with Hinata in his arms, warm and solid and there, Kageyama sleeps better than he had in weeks.