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“TEN BUCKS SAYS you’re gonna lose your entire arm.”
Sam stared blankly, unamused. “Real funny, Paulie. I’m surprised you’re crackin’ stupid jokes at a time like this. Coulda sworn you were yelpin’ and panickin’ all over the place five minutes ago.”
Shifting restlessly, he propped himself up on both elbows, leaning back. Paulie was quick to scold him for it.
“Hey, hey! You shouldn’t move so much, Sammy. Gonna hurt yourself.”
“I’m not a goddamn cripple, Paulie.”
Paulie sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. He stacked the pillows behind Sam’s head and pushed him gently back down. “Not saying you were.” Sitting back down, he toyed with his fingers, brows furrowing. “Just… worried.”
“Of what? The deal went bust—sure, that sucks. But we made it outta there alive. The don will understand.”
“Not thinkin’ bout the deal, Sam. Wasn’t thinkin’ bout the don either,” said Paulie quietly, levelling his gaze. “I was thinkin’ bout you.”
“What’s there to think about me?”
“Jesus Christ…” Paulie sighed exasperatedly. “Why don’t ya figure that out on your own?”
They stared at each other, neither willing to give in.
Sam looked away, the first to break the silence. “Anyway,” he started, “it wouldn’t make sense for me to lose my arm. I was shot in the stomach.”
There was an unreadable expression on Paulie’s face. It was unrecognisable on him. He was an open book usually and wore his heart on his sleeve. Now Sam was unsure of who the man sitting by his bedside was thinking. He would never admit it aloud but it was disconcerting.
It was also rather irritating.
“Hey,” he snapped suddenly. “I should be the one pissed off here. I should have been more alert out there. Shoulda known something was fishy.” He added softly: “Walked right into their trap like a goddamn idiot.”
“How the hell were ya supposed to know, Sam?”
“You know what, let’s just not talk about this, alright?” said Sam, rubbing his eyes.
“Sorry,” Paulie mumbled quietly.
Another silence fell between them. The tension in the air was palpable, if not even more now. Paulie wondered what the other man was thinking. The way Sam’s fists clenched and unclenched themselves repeatedly, the way his jaw tensed as he spoke, the way he squeezed his eyes shut like he was forcing his mind to shut the events away somewhere in the back of his head—none of that went unnoticed. Lying helpless on the bed, torso wrapped with bandages, Paulie couldn’t help but feel his heart breaking for him.
“Tom was great out there, wasn’t he?” said Paulie just for the sake of it.
He needed to say something—anything—just to fill in the silence. It was becoming too much to bear.
“Hm?” Sam stirred. “Oh yeah, he was. Best shootin’ I’ve ever seen.”
“Thought we were done for when that giant truck appeared out of fuckin’ nowhere.”
Sam laughed lightly. A hand gingerly came up to touch the wounded area. “Thought my time was up the moment you went behind the wheel.”
“Hey, between the two of us, I’m the better wheelman,” interjected Paulie indignantly. “Ralphie fixes up a car ‘til its glowing and almost brand new then you come along and wreck it.”
“Fixin’ up cars is Ralphie’s job anyway. Gives him somethin’ to do.”
“Well, that’s true anyway.”
More silence. The palm of Paulie’s hands were starting to sweat. Abruptly he went towards the window and cracked it open just slightly.
“Hey, you tryna make me catch my death? Close the damn window,” said Sam immediately.
“Jesus Christ, you’re acting like a fuckin’ baby over there. Ain’t it nice and cool out?”
“It’s freezing, ya goddamn oaf.”
“Then whaddya want? Tryna make this room comfortable for you here,” Paulie grumbled, shutting the window again loudly.
“Glass of water.”
Paulie returned shortly with the glass.
“What now?”
“Fluff my pillow.”
“Are you fuckin’ kidding me?”
“Want me to be comfortable? This is how ya make me comfortable.”
Sighing exaggeratedly, Paulie obliged. Once Sam was satisfied with the state of his pillow, Paulie pushed him back down gently.
“What now, your majesty?” he asked teasingly.
“Sit down, Paulie. Quit movin’ around so much. Ya makin’ me nervous over here.”
“Sorry, sorry,” Paulie apologised, going back to his chair.
Silence again. Sam was staring straight at Paulie. His brows were furrowed as if thinking hard about something. The same unreadable expression was back on his face again. Sam felt the sudden urge to throw a pillow at him.
“What are ya thinkin’ about?” he asked instead.
“Just…” Paulie’s voice trailed off quietly. “Back on the farm,” he continued hesitatingly. His eyes met Sam’s squarely. “I really thought I was gonna lose you there, Sammy.”
“We’ve been in this business for a long time, Paulie. I ain’t gonna die that easy.”
“Ain’t that it? We’ll never know when it’s comin’—or where it’s gonna come from.”
“Hey, if you can survive multiple car wrecks with me, we can survive anythin’.”
Those words were meant to lighten the mood a little bit but Paulie didn’t laugh. He was still staring hard at Sam and it was starting to make the latter feel slightly uncomfortable.
“Just say what ya want to say already, Paulie,” Sam snapped impatiently.
“I don’t wanna lose ya, Sammy,” he said so softly that Sam almost didn’t catch it.
“Nobody’s gettin’ rid of me,” replied Sam after a brief pause. “Ya don’t gotta worry.”
“I do worry, Sam. Every fuckin’ time when we’re on a job. I start thinkin’ about—things. Things that can happen.”
“To me?”
Paulie nodded. “Yeah.” Then, he added quickly: “And to me, Tommy… and everyone else.”
“Where’s this comin’ from, Paulie?”
Running a hand roughly through his hair, Paulie sighed. “Dunno. The farm—it was just too close a call.”
“If this business is gettin’ too much for ya…” Sam warned.
“It ain’t, alright?” Paulie shot up from his chair, voice raised. His face was getting red. Raising a hand, he said harshly: “No, don’t say anythin’, Sam. Ya don’t get to tell me how I should feel about earlier, okay? I almost lost ya out there, you get it? I thought you were gonna die. Thought I was never gonna see you again. Thought if I didn’t make it to the doctor’s in time, I was gonna find Tommy back there holdin’ your fuckin’ dead body. There was so much blood, Sammy. Didn’t think a human being could have that much blood in ‘em.” He stopped to catch his breath, chest heaving. “Yeah, I know we’ve survived lots of shit. I know we’re gonna be up against worse eventually. In this job, we’re never gonna know. But back there on the farm—that was the one fuckin’ time I thought you were gonna leave me, Sam. And I know I don’t wanna lose ya. D’you get it now?”
Paulie watched the other man as he tried to calm himself down. Too much had been left unsaid and now everything was tumbling out of him.
This is for the better, Paulie thought bitterly. It was better to let everything out before the inevitable came knocking on their door. After all, he’ll never know the next time he’ll be able to say everything again.
“Christ, Sam,” Paulie muttered, turning away. “Seein’ ya sitting over there still surprises me.”
“I’m sorry, Paulie,” said Sam suddenly. His voice had grown quiet. “It’s hittin’ ya bad, huh?”
“That’s all you’re gonna say?”
“Look, I don’t know what to say.” Sam had averted his gaze, refusing to make eye contact. “I just—I didn’t know. I—I thought I was never gonna see you again.”
“Let me take care of you, Sammy,” Paulie said, coming to stand by the bed. He placed a hand on the frame. “Least until you’re feelin’ better.”
“Ya sure about that? I’m an awful patient.”
“I’ll take care of you,” he insisted.
Sam raised his brows. There was something earnest in Paulie’s eyes this time—something that made him unable to deny him.
“It’s rotten work.”
“Yeah, it really fuckin’ is.”
The bluntness of his voice made Sam laugh. He groaned immediately, a hand coming to his abdomen. At once, Paulie’s large hands were at his side. Hands that were surprisingly gentle and soft. They lowered him down to lie on the bed, quickly adjusting the pillows behind him.
“Don’t make me laugh, Paulie. It hurts.”
“I wasn’t doin’ anything!”
Sam continued to laugh despite the ever-growing pain.
“Sam, quit fuckin’ laughing. You’re really gonna hurt yourself this time.”
“Okay, okay.” He calmed down. The sky outside was pitch black. “I should rest, Paulie.”
“Ya think?”
“You’re not going home?”
“Course not,” said Paulie like the question was the dumbest thing he has ever heard. He collapsed back into his chair. “This chair’s cosy. Think the doctor won’t miss it?”
“Pretty sure he’s got plenty of those lyin’ around the place.”
Paulie smiled, closing his eyes. “Get some sleep, Sammy.”
“Night, Paulie.”
The lack of reply only meant one thing. Paulie was out like a light.
It was all rotten work—Sam knew that well. But despite that, there were some things in their line of work that were not so rotten, after all. At least he survived to find that out.