Chapter Text
Friends.
To be completely honest, Will didn't have many friends. He wasn't exactly popular, and wasn't good at any sports enough to be well liked.
Although, he did have one friend, and that one friend that was special. Usually friends would eventually disband after a couple of years, with everyone going their separate ways. But not Will's, like straight out of a sitcom they managed to stay together threw thick and thin, nothing could stop them. And when they added more to their friend group, it seemed like they beat against all the odds and where going to stay together, forever. Till they were old and grey.
Will really thought that they were going to be different.
Friends are never more important than girlfriends, Will knows that. It had been especially evident since last summer. The way that Mike ditched him for El, spent his every waking hour going over to Hopper's cabin. Barely getting a chance just to talk with him. And when he did, he was slapped in the face with reality.
It's not my fault you don't like girls.
That Mike grew up, that they all did. Will was stuck in the past, holding on to something that didn't exist. Not anymore, especially since Mike had joined a new D&D party. After he told Will specifically not to, and especially after Mike and Lucas thought D&D was childish only a few months prior. The truth is, is that they didn't need Will anymore. He was the the problem, he was the mistake. The odd one out, never to get a girlfriend, and never to fall in love.
He remembers the first days back in Hawkins, cleaning up Hopper's cabin and having that talk with Mike. He felt afraid of course, but a bit hopeful. Now that he and Mike were getting better there was nothing that was going to stop them, right?
He remembers first hearing about Eddie from Dustin, from one of their weekly meetings in the cabin. He talked about him with a sense of fondness, and sorrow. He had assumed that he was a mentor to him of some sort, like Steve. But was surprised to find out that he was the leader of a D&D club called Hellfire, that Dustin was apart of. Though what shocked him the most was that Mike and Lucas were apart of his club too. He remembers the sheepish, nervous look Mike gave him when he overheard them.
Didn't he tell Wil that D&D was childish? That he needed to "grow up"? What happened? Bits of anger and sadness filled through him. The fact that he didn't even have to guts to even tell him about it says a lot, Lucas too.
But most of all he was hurt, that Mike joined another party. That all his friends did too, one without Will in it. Which ultimately left him with a internal scar and a with wounded heart.
Will didn't ask Mike about it, he didn't want another fight between them. What was going on in Hawkins was bad enough, he didn't want to add any more onto that. He didn't ask Lucas either, he was already preoccupied with Max and her coma and felt bad for him.
But it's not his fault, is it?
He felt as if his childhood slipped right through him. Holding on to the nostalgic days of his youth until he was hugging the empty space where it used to lay. Not knowing when to turn around and grow up. And when he looks around for his friends, they're already light years ahead of him. Will knows that's how most childhoods go, within a blink of an eye, but he though he'd have just a little more time. Just to be stupid, just to have campaigns be the only thing to worry about. Just to be able to laze about in the arcade, fighting over who had the highest score on what game. He'd give anything to have the party back, back in it's glory days, he would give his soul. They wouldn't even have to do anything special, Will's satisfied with just being with them. Hanging out in Mike's basement, joking and laughing like they used to. El and Max are there too, of course, they're apart of the party as much as Will is.
He finds himself comparing his life back to those days, mourning them as if it's something he's lost. It's stupid because all his friends are still there and alive. It's just that they've all grown up now, they're not little kids anymore.
Although he doesn't feel old, he feels like a twelve year old stuck in a teenager's body. Stuck inside the Will from all those years ago. Shot gun at the ready, heart pounding, waiting in anticipation for who's out there.
Is it going to kill me?
Am I going to die?
I wish I had stayed at Mike's house.
He's isolated from the rest of his peers, from the rest of his friends. Who want to party, drink, and get a girlfriend. All of which doesn't entice him. Though it's what every stereotypical teenager wants, hopes for. He always feels so distant compared to them, always different. And here he is stuck in the past, feeling sorry for himself. Hung up on things he should have let go, people he should have let go.
But why not Will?
Why can't he let things go?
Why can't he be like his friends and move on?
It's time to lets things go, to let Mike go, time to rip off that stupid band-aid.
But who the hell was he kidding?
Will had never been good at letting things go, he was selfish. Selfish for Mike's time, selfish for his love, selfish for his attention.
Crazy together.
God, he was so stupid. Thinking things could be the same forever, thinking he could be with Mike forever. Thinking that Mike would want that too. Will definitely think about Mike way more then he does about Will. A footnote in the back of his mind, that's all Will is to him. When Mike is pretty much at the forefront of his. Will knows the role he has in Mike's life, the best friend. If that from the way Mike's treated him since last summer.
And he knows the old Mike is gone. The Mike who would've biked over to his house the second Will needed him to, the Mike who would've stayed up all night with Will when he had nightmare. Instead, he got traded in for a Mike who wouldn't even fully hug him. Like he would contract a disease just by touching him.
Maybe he knows what Will really is.
Maybe that's why he acts the way he does, like he can't stand to be around him. Although if he really did know, he would act way worse towards Will. He should just walk away, forget Mike and let him be happy with El. It seems like that's what he wants, but he's needy. He's so fucking needy, following Mike around like some lost old dog. Hoping he'd spare some of his attention towards him, how pathetic.
He could hear his father's voice, yelling at him. Screaming at him to man up, to stop being so sensitive. He wishes he could prove him wrong.
"Don't let anybody see you cry, it makes you weak." His father always told him.
He would scold him for showing him emotions, for crying. He would threaten to kick him out of the house whenever he got caught, and of course he beg and plead not to. Which made his father even more upset. Will remembers the way his father's lips would curl whenever he got mad, the way his hands would clench into a fist. He'd never hit anyone though, just made vague empty threats which most of them were either hurled towards him or Johnathan. His mother was spared though, which Will was eternally grateful for. However, he would put her down at any chance he got, putting himself on a pedestal at the same time.
Is it wrong to say he still loves him? He doesn't know.
Which is why Will never cries in front of anyone. Why he hates being babied, being seen as this weak, pathetic fragile thing.
Because that's what he is right?
A disgusting, wrong, thing who shouldn't have ever been born in the first place. At least that's what they say about people like him. And if it's not about his sexuality, it's about him as a whole.
Zombie boy.
That's what they call him, because no matter what he'll never been seen as human.
Will stands up from where he was laying on the blowup mattress from the floor. The sudden movement making him dizzy, black dots danced behind his eyes as he makes his way towards the door. He stumbles a bit just before turning the knob.
He was tired of laying around in his room, rotting. Or rather his shared room with El, it's a bit cramped in Hopper's cabin. Being built for two but having to fit four, his mother sleeps with Hopper in his room and him with El's. Johnathan stays at Nancy's to make everything less complicated than it already is.
He needs to get up and get some fresh air, not only leaving to go to the bathroom and sometimes eat. Will could tell it was bothering his mother, the concerned look etched in her eyes whenever she saw him. Stress making its way into the corners of her face and into her wrinkles. The way Johnathan would constantly check on him when he got the chance, asking if he needed anything or wanted to talk.
Plus he felt bad about hogging the room. Making El go out into the living room or kitchen whenever she had company, which these days was a lot. Most of the time he didn't feel like getting up, much less leaving his room. Mostly because of Vecna but also partly because of Mike. He comes over everyday just to talk to El, reminiscent of their past, and Will would hide in his room. Making the excuse that he didn't feel well enough to talk, which was actually true on some days.
Ever since stepping into Hawkins, there's been a huge dark dark cloud looming over him. Pressing into his skull, draining him of any energy he had left. Lenora was lonely, but it was the only time off he had. Where his nightmares were just that, nightmares, and not something actually needed to fight.
He feels as if he is in a constant fever, too cold to rip off the blankets but too boiling to stay underneath the covers. His stomach aches for food but is covered underneath a constant plague of nausea. He forces himself not to throw up out of fear, he hates the sensation of it. Always looming in the back of his head, dread filling up in his stomach every time he feels the need to. He tells himself to shove it down, even though he knows it'll make himself feel better. He's afraid of what he'll see staring back at him lurking underneath the water. Headaches are always there and always present, pounding as if he were and alarm bell. Vecna had a surefire way of making Will regret being alive, even though he already does that on a regularly basis
Besides he didn't want to see Mike and El act all "lovey dovey", he heard them enough. Giggling and laughing throughout the thin walls of the cabin, he was happy for them. Being able to be so in love, amongst all the chaos. But he couldn't face them, not after everything.
I feel like my life started the day we found you in the woods.
Will knows Mike didn't mean it like that, but it still hurt to hear. That after all this time his suffering is what caused Mike's life to begin. It's almost poetic, how sad that is. And how often he would do it again and again, if only Mike needed him to. And Will knows it's not really fair and it's not really Mike's fault, but he wants to be upset. After everything he deserves to feel a bit pissed off.
Peaking his head outside the door, Will makes his way towards the living room. Stopping when he sees a sticky note to the right of him, next to the door. His mom went to the grocery store for some supplies, and Hopper left to plan their next move with Murry. His mom would always let him know where she was via sticky notes. Days would often muddle into one another, so the only time he could tell what day of the week it was, was on the color of the sticky note. Red on Monday, orange on Tuesday and so on. Today's was blue, meaning it was Friday.
Johnathan, he assumed was with Nancy. They seemed a bit distant to Will these few months, avoiding eye contact when the other was in the room or just straight up leaving. It seemed like Johnathan tried to nip this in the bud by moving in. He couldn't tell if it was working or not, though every relationship has it's ups and downs. Will knows that a bit too well.
It looked like he and El were the only ones left in the house, then suddenly he began to hear voices coming from the kitchen.
Scratch that he, El and Mike were the only ones left in the house.
Carefully walking around the house, he tried not to make even the slightest noise or bump. Not wanting Mike or El to hear him from the kitchen, in the distance he hears them talk about something. A muffled conversation he doesn't want to stick around for. He made his way towards the front door of the cabin. Just as he was about to turn the doorknob, he eyed a box of his mother's cigarettes on the kitchen counter.
He was tempted to grab it, take it outside for a quick smoke. To calm the nonstop pounding in his head; although cigarettes always reminded him for his father.
He could never forget the smell of his father's favorite brand of cigarettes. That distinct scent being permanently melted into the wall of his house. The way the ashes would always end up in his clothes one way or another. Even though his mother and Johnathan smoked, his father smoked the most. And was probably the one the prompted them to do so in the first place. His mom smoking up a storm after the divorce, and Johnathan since he could remember. Though he always did it in secret when they were younger, not to worry their mother.
Alcohol and cigarettes, the two things Will swore to himself he would never do. And he can forget about smoking weed, he's inhaled enough second hand smoke from Johnathan and Argyle to be a certified stoner. Besides his body was fucked up anyway, he didn't need anything to add onto that.
Will quickly turns away from the counter and heads towards the door. Not noticing a pair of eyes following him as he heads through. As he opens the door, a cool breeze of air hits him like a brick. Sending shivers down his spine in remembrance.
He likes it cold.
Will steps out onto the autumn atmosphere, the fall leaves, emit a soft crutch under his boots wherever he steps. Will regrets not putting on more then a flannel shirt when going out, but he pushed forward and continues. The cold wind nips his face, leaving splotches of pink across nose, cheeks and ears. His mouth releases small puffs of breath, it's cold enough for him to see it, it looks like smoke. Part of him wants to go back to the cabin and forget this ever happened, and another part of him wants to stay and keep moving on. Although the forest looks really beautiful in fall.
It had been a few months after spring break, summer came and went, and Will spent most of his time as usual in his room. Even when he felt like he was going to die under the covers, he'd stayed still. Hoping to burn out any trace of Vecna left in him, as revenge. Everyone had been so preoccupied with the upside down that they didn't have any time to celebrate the break from school, not when the apocalypse was right around the corner. Plus, summer gave him bad memories. Well every season gave him a handful of nightmare fuel, except spring, that was until this year anyways.
The leaves mix with the never ending ash of the upside down as it rains down on him. Covering his his face and eyelashes, he tries to wipe them away. Will doesn't know where he wants to go, but he wants to get out of here. He takes a few more steps forward but doesn't get very far, as a voice calls out to him.
"You know you should really layer up if you want to go outside."
Will quickly turns around, he knows the voice anywhere, it's Mike.
His arms are crossed and eyes narrowing, probably in annoyance. Will feels like a little kid caught doing something wrong.
"Umm." Was all Will could say, he wasn't expecting this at all and was not very good at confrontations.
"How come you're out here?" Mike says as he looks around, eyeing the scenery. How come you haven't talk to me?
"Umm." Is all Will manages to say again, he should really work on talking.
"Is that all you're going to say?" Mike jokes, awkwardly. Standing a noticeably few feet away.
When had things between them become so stiff? Talking to Mike nowadays is like talking to a stranger you've never met or some distant relative. Will can guess can sort of guess why, though things are supposedly supposed to be better between them. At least to Mike they are.
"I just needed a breather from being inside, that's all." Will answers truthfully, he tries not to lie to Mike all that much. Mainly after the van incident, he feels a bit guilty.
"Oh." Is all that Mike says, a long pause of silence passes between them.
"So how are things with you and El?" Will asks, being that El was usually the topic of conversation between them.
"Why does everything have to be about El? Mike retorts, with a vaguely annoyed expression. Which was different than what Will expected.
He had expected Mike to say something along the lines of "good." or "great!" or "Amazing! Thanks Will for helping us out with our love problems and shoving your feelings down inside a deep dark hole!" Instead the got hit with backlash and an attitude he was becoming all to familiar with.
"I was just asking, why are you getting so defensive about it?" Will asks, did something bad happen between him and El?
"I'm not getting defensive about it." Mike crosses his arms and looks away.
"Yes you are." Will says while stepping a few feet forward, looking at him in the eyes.
Mike looks into Will's eyes for a split second before dropping them down to something lower on his face. Then he quickly looks away and steps back, his face seemly redder then before. Most likely due to the weather.
"I just don't get why everything has to be about my relationship with El. Like ask something else, for instance, how are you doing today Mike?" His tone indicates he's been asked this question many times before.
"Fine, how are you doing today Mike?" Will answers blankly, already tired of Mike's antics.
"I've been doing okay Will, thanks for asking. See? Now ask me something else." Mike glances at Will expectantly, with a stupid look on his face.
"Okay, how's your family doing?" Will remarks, wiping off another collection of ash off his face and clothes. He notices a crowd of it on Mike's hair, his hands twitch to wipe it off, he ignores it.
"They've been, uh- good." Mike says with a seemingly guilty look on his face.
"You don't know, do you?" Will already knows the answer.
"Of course I do!" Mike says, he acts as if he been there this whole time.
"How can you when you've been here everyday!" Will snaps, he's just about done with this conversation. He doesn't want to have another fight with Mike.
"That's not true." Mike says, but his voice betrays him.
"It practically is!" Will says exasperated, his hands up in the air. "I know you're only here for El but why act like it's a chore?!"
"I'm not here just for El, I'm here for you too." Mike says.
"Bullshit."
"It's not bullshit Will. I meant what I said back in Lenora." Mikes moves to place his hand on Will's shoulder, Will doesn't dare to look him in the eyes. His gaze is set on the mixture of dirt and grass below him. He's tired of the constant back and fourth between them, which somehow always leaves them worse than before.
"Then why do you act like you can't stand me? Even before Lenora, you were always somewhere else or acted distant whenever we talked." It feels like the point of no return, something they've been meaning to talk about but never did. Both silently agreeing to not bring it up, until Will couldn't take it anymore.
"And don't say it's because you have a girlfriend, because Lucas acts just like he did before he started dating Max."
Will finally turns to look at Mike in the eyes again, but finds him with a unreadable expression painted all over his face. This is the one thing he's been trying to avoid, because he knows at this rate he'll lose Mike. But he can't stop, he needs to let it all out before he'll never get the chance to again. Covered up underneath the snow, with awkward conversation and long pauses, wondering if they'll ever be close again.
"And what about Eddie?" It's like Will's at the top of a roller-coaster, right before it goes down, it stops for a second.
He knows what will happen next but barely has enough time to accept it before he's pushed downward.
"You didn't think to tell me that you joined a new D&D right after I left? Right after you specifically told me not to? What happened to last summer?! What happened to thinking it was stupid and dumb!?"
"Will.."
"It's still "not your fault" right? Because I replaced my best friend. I barely called him when he moved away, I only made it about me and my love problems, I made a half assed apology that he so stupidly, blindly accepted." He pushes on, letting everything he's bottled up to this point out for Mike to see.
"No, your right it's mine. Mine for being too childish and dumb. Mine for needing to grow up and realize that the only thing wrong was me. That you had out grew our friendship, out grew us."
Will took a long pause before continuing. Mainly to wipe the tears that had been collecting on his face, blurring his vision that he had previously ignored. Mike's now pained expression is crystal clear in his mind.
"Well, you can finally get that you want, because I finally get it. You can stop trying to be friends with me, because the last thing I need is your fucking pity. I'm not helpless alright? I'm not some stupid ass kid who got stuck in the upside down and needed saving, anymore. I know it's over, I clearly see that now. So you can go back to El or whoever and stop worrying about me."
"Will, what the hell are you talking about. That's not true at all I-" He pauses, gasping, trying to mouth out something but nothing meaningful comes out. He grabs handfuls of his hair and runs through it, trying to make sense as the ashes fall down around him.
"I-"
Will releases a long sigh, all the anger dissolves in a matter of seconds. All that's left is sadness and the aching in his heart.
"Save it Mike."
"I guess I just missed the time when I used to be the best thing you've ever done. Not the person in the background to when you're life began."
And with that Will began to walk away past Mike, towards his bike on the other side of the cabin. He doesn't want Mike to see him cry anymore. He doesn't want Mike to think any less of him then he already does.
"Will!" Mike shouts, he quickly grabs his arm to turn him around.
"Let me go."
"I-" Mike looks troubled, like there's a constant fight going on in his head, and he doesn't know which side to he should let win.
Will knows that there's nothing Mike could say to fix this, not unless he decided to let Will finally know what's been going on with him. And by the looks of him, it doesn't seem to be happening soon. Will's tired, tired to being cased aside and an after thought. He'll always want to be Mike's friend, he knows this, but he's doing them both a favor by ending it now.
Mike will finally be able to let go and not feel uncomfortable around Will, shooting him guilty looks whenever he got the chance to see him. He'll be able to focus more on El, who needs it, and Will couldn't be more happier for him. Even though the thought nearly kills him.
Will looks at Mike in the eyes one last time, a goodbye and an apology all mixed into one, before he shrugs his hand off his arm and makes it towards his bike. He tries to look strong to save the last of his dignity but it's not working. He's crying so hard the can barley see the handle of his bike. And the cold digging into his skin, and numbing his fingers is certainly not helping.
He hears the rustling of leaves, the soft breath of a "Wait!" but Will's already gone.
He rides onto a random road, not knowing where to go but needing to get out of here as soon as possible. Not stopping until the shouting of his name is nothing but a whisper. He needs to put the farthest amount of distance between Mike and him as possible.
A part of him was grateful, that he ended things this way. Instead of him finding out about Will, he wouldn't be able to handle the disgust on his face.
The way that Mike would rethink every interaction they've ever had, and wonder what Will's true motivation was. Especially for the painting, especially about the painting. The way he would curl up in disgust, realizing that Will took advantage of how touchy he was when they were younger, how greedy Will was. Pats on the back of a good job, hugs after a long successful campaign or after a nightmare. Or when his father still lived with them, after a bad fight. Sometimes Mike would just lay on him, randomly. Carefree and unassuming of what people thought they looked like. Will always treasured this, and held on just a bit longer as they became shorter and shorter. Brief until there was nothing there at all. The way that Mike would probably blab to everyone they knew, a sea of repulsed faces appear into his mind. Of all their friends and family, and his brother being the only exception. And Mike explaining to poor El as why Will didn't hang out with them anymore.
No, he was thankful that he ended it on his own terms and no one else's. Although that didn't make him feel any better, sobs trailing behind him wherever he goes. He needs to get away from the cabin and get the fight off his mind for awhile. Even though inevitably it will come back to haunt him, late at night. When he's all alone in his bed, his thoughts as his only company.
And so he ends up at the Hawkins High gym, which has become more recently a shelter after the aforementioned earthquake. Will waits awhile before going in, standing outside of the building in between two doors. Biding his time until the red puffiness from his face was drained.
"So-" Robin starts off, curious as to what Will was even doing here. He's only came here a handful of times, to drop blankest and other supplies off, but never stayed for very long.
This is where he would've started freshman year with Mike and the party. He wonders what life would be like if he'd stayed, would things have changed between him and Mike? Would they still be friends? He looks around the building, gazing at the people around him, missing posters and blankets scattered everywhere. He's filled to the brim with sorrow, mourning a life that could have been.
But, there's not point now in entertaining these thoughts.
"Baby byers, what brings you to our humble establishment?" Robin stopped whatever she was doing and put her hands under her chin. Leaning forward to take a good look at Will.
He wilts under her stair. Truth be told he just wanted to get away from Mike as far as he could, and here seemed to be the best option. Especially since castle byers was destroyed, and he had no intention of ever going back. But most of all he wanted to work. To get his mind off of everything, Will was hoping to get any job he could get his hands on.
"I was just wondering if you needed any help around the shelter." Will fidgets, he was a bit nervous. Considering that this was his first time talking to Robin, alone. Outside of the party and respected adults, and Steve had mentioned something about Robin being a bit too observant for her own good.
Robin's eyes perked up at the request.
"Lucky for you, I need some help folding these here blankets, be a dear would you?" She gesture at the mountain of blankets beside her.
Wanting to get to work immediately, Will ran to her side and began to start folding.
"Woah, woah where were you this morning? I mean people were flying all over they place just for blankets, I would've appreciated the extra help of hands." She chuckled to herself as she began to make piles alongside Will's.
After a long time, wanting to start up a conversation, Robin began to speak.
"So where's Wheeler? Steve tells me you guys are like attached at the hip or something." She keeps her focus on her work but slows down to pay attention to what Will has to say. Who completely stopped what he was doing, frozen in place, his head stuck downward on the blankets below him.
He'd rather be anywhere in the world then have this conversation right now.
"Uhh he's." He pauses, trying to collect himself and pass off as normal. Like he and Mike are best friends and everything's just fine, it's not working.
"He's."
"Uhh-"
Fuck
Fuck
He's crying.
In front of Robin, in front of everyone. He's already cried beforehand so why is he doing it now? Robin begins to look up from her folding and at Will. Shit, he needs to stop it, now.
Everybody's looking at you right now so why the hell are you still crying? Staring at you with pity in their eyes, poor tragic little Will byers. Cant's even go two seconds without making a fuss. Is that what you want them to think?! That you're some stupid fucking basket case?! He hears his father's scream at him.
Robin who stopped what ever she was doing was now fully looking at Will, regret filled her eyes and her mouth wide.
"Oh shit man, I'm so sorry!!" She said, putting her hand on Will's shoulder, forcing him to look up at her. "Did something happen between you guys?'
This was the last thing Will wanted to talk about, it's like picking at a wound that hasn't even begun to heal yet. He shifts uncomfortably, not wanting to be so close, Robin soon got the memo and quickly gave him some breathing room. He doesn't say anything yet, he doesn't trust his voice to sound normal. So instead Robin began to speak.
"I know what it's like to fight with a friend, I could never keep a friendship when I was younger. I would always faze in and out of friendship groups because I felt like I never fit in any where y'know?"
Will replied with a meek "yeah."
"That is until I met Steve, so I kinda know what your going through. I don't know what happened between you and Wheeler but I do know that you can come to me if you want to talk about anything."
"Thanks."
They didn't talk for awhile after that, focusing on the folding at hand, but Will could see something bothering Robin. He was about to ask her until she suddenly spoke again. She talked as if she was approaching a wounded animal, her voice cautious but caring.
" I even had a friendship end once because I was in love with them."
Will's head quickly snapped to turn to Robin, but she didn't meet his eyes. Instead keeping her head low towards the blankets.
"But they loved someone else. Someone I could never be, someone I will never be." She sighs bringing a hand up to her face, her eyes finally looked looked up but not towards Will, but the space behind him.
"That's in the past now and i'm over it, but it's still hard being someone you're not. And it's even harder to pretend to."
Looking over in the distance, Will followed Robin's eyes to where Vicky laid in the distance and understood. There's someone who knows where he's coming from, someone he could talk to about these sort of things.
A feeling of mutual agreement and appreciation filled within him. So much so that when Robin turned to look back at Will, he gave her a glance of understanding. In turn, Robin's eyes softened at the sight and bumped their shoulders together.
It was a conversation that held no words but had the biggest meaning.
Finally there's someone like me.