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He doesn't understand himself.
He doesn't deserve to be happy. He doesn't supposed to be looking elsewhere, to longed for happiness other than serving her till death does them apart. He doesn't supposed to have another sun other than her. He is merely a sunflower which only needs the sun's warmth. His existence is only for her.
But why….
Ever since he took a glimpse of RFA's newest member, everything inside him started to change. As if he was always half asleep and suddenly jolted awake by her existence. It was a fault of his to carefully study the new member's photo sent by Luciel. He found himself warmed by the sight of her photo, a twinge of joy eased his burden as he swam through the chat's log, reading her interactions with all members.
It is a mistake. Surely, it is.
He tossed around in his bed, a frustrated squeak escaped his mouth. Why would his subconscious mind shows her image through dream? Why her, not the one he believed he loved? Curious, granted. But what drove him mad wasn't entirely curiosity. It was… something more intimate than that.
What the fuck…
She woke up with sore throat.
It was annoying, no, agonizing. She might not need to use her voice that often, now that she lived inside an apartment of deceased woman, but the pain is still annoying. She forced herself to sit on the bed but the dizziness took over. She inhaled and exhaled slowly, carefully, and her mind begin to race. Even though she did some groceries two days ago, she hasn't bought any medicine. What a stupid, she cursed herself by forgetting what's most important thing is.
What has her mom taught her? Never, ever, forget to store some medicine in case something goes wrong. Stupid. Stupid.
She took her phone as it rang loudly. It must be RFA Messenger. She bit back a smile as she saw the the actor and the heir company are on the same chatroom. Scrolled up and down, she decided to join them. Right in the middle of unimportant debate. She typed 'hi' and go along with Zen untill the actor brought up his narcissistic personality.
Suddenly, her phone started to buzzed and rang loudly. It was not a message. A call from…. Seven?
"MC!" The self-proclaimed Defender of Justice shouted as she picked up. She grumbled, she doesn't even have the chance to say hello. She was about to act funny, happy-go-lucky when she recognise panic and anxiety in the red-head voice. "I am sorry, but you cannot leave the apartment. Someone messed up the alogarhytm system and hacked the RFA Log. You're probably in danger. I am going there right now, if possible, but my maid won't leave me even for a sec!"
"Wha… Seven, please explain slowly," she spoke slowly with hoarse voice.
"Just stay in the apartment and keep your eyes open!"
"Wait! If someone hacked the security system, it would be better if I'm out, right?" She asked in confusion.
"No!" The red-head was practically screaming right now. "You must NOT leave the apartment, whatever it cost you! Just wait for me!"
"But I need–" the line went dead. She started to her phone blankly before dizziness took over once again. The room was dark enough for her to start feeling mellow, but she shook her head. Mellow mood wouldn't do any good for her right now.
Although, she has every rights for that.
She was led into the apartment by stranger through the app. It was her first day of break after released from hospital and it was her mistake to agree just because she felt she owed something to God–or whatever it is, by manage to live through harsh operation.
And after that… uncommon events, she was forced to join the team. The fundraising groups created by a deceased woman and which members adored her to the point of annoying. Up untill now, she was isolated inside the apartment. No, she was able to leave, to buy some groceries to keep her alive–barely, but she was being cut off from her social life entirely.
And now, she is sick and has no medicine.
Almost desperately, she logged in to RFA Messenger and join the conversation. Zen has left and so do Jumin. There was only Jaehee, the only woman in the group, available.
She started typing her greeting to the short-haired woman and was done explaining her current condition when, suddenly, someone else join the chat. Her eyes blinked in surprise.
It was… the leader of this group.
The photographer, V.
And her heart began to pound faster.
He woke up with such uneasy feeling.
He tossed his blanket to the floor and automatically reached for his mobile phone. It was almost midday and that made him groan in frustration. There was 3 missed call and 8 texts. His heart leaped out of his chest but he eased himself as he saw it was only Luciel.
But what would it be? He was about to call the hacker back when his phone rang loudly. Preparing himself, his trembled finger swept across the lcd. It was a simple move, the one he able to perform even without opening his eyes. "Hello, Luciel," he greeted, mumbled in fact, to the hacker.
"V! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!"
The redhead scream directly to his ear abruptly. He cringed but maintain his composure, took notice of the anxiety in his member's voice, "Luciel, as important as it is, I don't enjoy being screamed at as a greeting."
"Sorry, V, but this is dangerous yet fantastic. Someone broke the apartment's security system."
He is completely awake by now.
The hacker started to fill him with details, "The alogarhytm has been changed two hours ago. I am on my way to fix it but I am worried about MC. I cannot go to her because my maid.…"
"I will go," he say abruptly.
"Pardon me?"
"I will go to her. Send her my number so she can pick up my call. You should focus on fixing it. No need to worry."
"You're… where are you right now?"
"My apartment. It will be 2 p.m. when I reached her... no, I'll tell her myself. You should fix the security system and trust her to me."
"I-I get it. But what makes you say it?"
"What?"
"The last sentence… it was weird. As if I don't trust you completely."
He managed a small snort, "Well, you do have feeling for her. It is obvious, Luciel… Luciel," the leader of RFA laughed sincerely as he heard some small, panic squeak from the redhead. "Now, now, you don't need to defend yourself. Just please fix the security system as fast as you can, I'll go to the apartment personally. Thank you for notifying me." With that he ended the line.
Inhale. Exhale.
Slowly, but surely, he found his composure again. It was not a shocking news to him, that the security system was hacked although it took him off guard. He had foreseen the maddening event and his heart began to pound faster as he realised what about to come.
But that was not what made him sighed with anxiety.
True that the new member is still RFA member, whether she is new or not. True that he did not wish any of his member getting hurt. But the panic he experienced was more raw and more precise than that. It was the image of her getting hurt that made him jumped out of his bed and walked clumsily to change his clothes.
Wait, he needed to notify her first.
With frustrated groan he reached for his phone on the top of his bed and logged in to the RFA Messenger.
MC: Oh, it's V.
Jaehee Kang: Hello, V.
She covered her hot face with her palm but she kept her eyes open. It was rare to see the blue-haired photographer in the messenger. But the excitement she felt is too strong for it. She inhaled and exhaled slowly to maintain her peace. It wouldn't be good to jumped in euphoria, not with the headache that tore her head apart.
V: Hello Jaehee, hello MC.
V: I've heard your situation from Luciel. I'm my way to the apartment right now, do you need anything?
It was something she would never able foresee. She blinked multiple times and by the time she get a hold of herself, the chatroom has filled with frantic questions from the serious assistant of the heir company.
V: I'll arrive around 2 but I'll be stopping by nearby convenient store. Do you need anything?
She mulled over whether it is polite to ask him to buy medicine. But, the fact that her sore throat felt agonizing, she had no other choice. Sighed heavily she typed down her answer.
MC: If it's okay with you, please buy me XX. My throat is killing me.
V: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Got it. Do you have something to make porridge?
MC: I do but please don't worry about it, I can manage on my own. Have you eaten? I shall cook something for you.
V: Oh, no, I come not to trouble you so I'll do it. Just drink plenty of water and have some rest.
V: Then, see you later. ^^
MC: Yes, see you later.
V has logged out.
She rested her head to the wall, tried to think straight. V, the leader of this association, the worldwide famous photographer is coming over. To see her? To protect her? She snorted. Such impossible theory she was thinking, of course the blue-haired photographer is coming over to ensure everything inside the apartment is okay. What kind of assumption is she mulled over right now? Stupid.
She ease herself to relieve the pain on her head and got off of bed to get some water. Her throat was sure killing her. At least, now she did not have to worry about the medicine. She ought to thank him properly later.
It was something he never expected.
The heartwarming joy he felt as he chatted with her was difficult to comprehend that he actually considered himself has gone crazy. The kick of euphoria he experienced as he received her number from Luciel might be considered as a betrayal to the one he loved.
Wait… He is still in love with Rika. At least, that's what he believed. The past tense is unintentional but, indeed, questionable.
No, this was not the time to mulled over the joy that swarmed through him. Her safety was more important than his feeling. Put that aside, he needed to see her alive. The feeling was so scarily strong, it almost like a hunger.
Since when she had take a hold of him like this?
He shook his head and headed out of his apartment.
The light inside the pharmacy's store was blinding him. Being half blind like this, any strong light was hurting him, be it merely a lamp. The sunlight on sunny days was even worse, it pierced right through his sunglasses. Such uncomfortable sensation he should bear every single day, opt to make him stay inside most of the time.
But he had promised her to buy her medicine and it scared him to disappoint her. It was always like that for him, since the day that Rika….
"A small bottle of XX, please," he told the clerk as he stopped his own thoughts. He should stop thinking about Rika… for the time being. The blue-haired man gave small smile to the clerk as he pay the medicine and waiting for his change. He should stay calm. Stop over thought about everything, stop relating anything to her.
Apparently, that wasn't such a good idea. Now that he put the thought of Rika aside, his mind began to showered him about her. The current enigma of his life. The newest member of RFA. The one whom slipped easily into his dream. The woman who stirred him. Even when he watched the road to the apartment nostalgically, all he could think of was her.
Now that he was going to meet her, he actually felt nervous. His index finger tapped impatiently onto his lap. The car has went past downtown and now headed to the apartment. The silenced inside the car has let his mind race freely of how his meeting with her would possibly going to be.
Truth to be told he had no idea about the new member of RFA. Sure, he did know how her appearance. Luciel had sent him her photo, which he cherished for couple days before deleting it; afraid if something happens and anyone would find out about his hidden feeling, the hunger that had consumed him every night. He remembered one night, when he woke up suddenly because a satisfying… inappropriate dream of her.
What happened with him? This was so unusual of him, to be stirred by a completely stranger. He had fell head over the knee just by a glimpse of her photo. She was, indeed, a warm person. At least, that was something he able to perceived from her looks and the way she talked to the other members. She was like the moon, with soft beam of light shone through the night sky. She was like the soft tune of classical music that put people at ease, the green landscape of nature, the sound of melodious rain against the window.
That was his impression of her.
The driver stopped in front of the building and he climbed down with shaking legs. Even he could sense his nervousness in his voice when he thanked the driver. He wanted to run and hide but the need to see her burned him. He never knew he had something like that inside him and it made him laugh.
With light steps he strode inside the building.
Right, he should've notify her beforehand. He pulled his phone out of pocket and called her with one click. His heart began to pound faster as he listened to the sound of connecting line.
"Hello?"
Her voice was strained but strong at the same time, something he didn't expected. It put him off guard and silenced him for a couple of seconds. "Hi," he trailed off. Unable to form any sentences. "Um, it's me, V. I've arrived at the apartment and currently going up by the elevator. Well, I just want to notify you before in case you… Well," he shifted his feet uncomfortably. He could feel his face redden just by implying something like that. Not that he specifically thought something dirty or so.
Her laugh was something else. For couple of seconds he could portrayed her in his mind very clearly; with red cheek and pair of natural pink lips parted to form a big smile. Her laugh was soft, tender and warm and it washed him with a feel of longing. He realised it just then. He longed for her warmth to be wrapped around him. To ease his burden, to soothe his hurting soul.
"You just imagine something inappropriate, didn't you?"
Being half blind had another advantage, which he enjoys very much. Such as right now, when the sound of hers shook his entire well-being. It leave him weak. It made him almost whimper in happiness. Such intensity he had never handled before, it hit him like a beautiful angel came down from the sky and hugged him tightly. "No," he replied, surprisingly composed. Even he was in awe of himself right now. "It would be rude to imagine something like that to my precious member."
It was a lie, of course, but he would bring that little secret to his grave.
The elevat dinged softly. The photographer glanced at the small monitor above and realised he had arrived at the 14th floor. "I'm out of elevator," he announced.
"I'll come and get you."
"You don't have to," he answered rather abruptly. "Sorry, please don't exhaust yourself. You're sick. I won't trip and fall or something, so no need to worry."
"…I'll open the door, then."
While he strode along the corridor with unused cane in his hand and a small bag of medicine he got for her in the other hand, his mind once again raced. It was the image of her he built that left strange, exciting sensation as he approached reality. How distorted his imagination would be? How true is it? What lies beyond after this? What would this meeting make him?
Not far from where he is, he could hear a certain dor cracked open. He hastened his pace and smiled sheepishly. In his sight he could manage a blurry image of a girl, with hair fell around her shoulder. He couldn't make out her facial expression and it pumped his blood faster than it should.
5 meters….
He averted his gaze. Afraid to be broken apart by what he will see. At this moment, hundreds of image of how she supposed to appear dammed him. Cursed his being with great force and shook his sanity down.
2 meters….
The famous photographer stopped walking. He is fully aware that he should look down to see her, but he managed to avoid the sight of her. The uneasy feeling slither around his mind, cursing his heart. What if he looked up and see disappointment in those beautiful eyes? What if he received rejection right from the start? He didn't want any of it.
But the blue-haired man did aware that it might be just his imagination playing with him. This was just a habit of him, the one he acquired because the one he believed he love. His silence might caused her to felt uncomfortable, although he didn't sense any of similar feeling from her presence.
"Welcome, V. Pleased to meet you."
Her soft voice, even strained, release him from his chain. He could smell a faint of sweet yet sharp scent from her and he found it amused him. "Pleased to meet you too. It must be shocking to you to suddenly being prevented to leave the apartment without further information but please don't think bad of Luciel. He just wants to make sure you're safe."
Having this little speech, he hasn't looked up ever since.
He could hear she huffed softly, "I know and I wouldn't mind if only I have the medicine." There was a bit of uncomfortable in her voice, "But I think it's solved now. You had it with you, just like you promised. Thank you so much, V."
He realised she bowed and it surprised him. Abruptly, he followed her, "You don't have to thank me, though, but you're welcome."
As he straighten his back, that's when he looked right into her eyes.
A pair of bright eyes that stare right to his soul. The honest gesture, the loyalty that hidden beneath a warm attitude. There was fire in her eyes, the bright determination that no one could sense right away, the fierce personality that fuel it. The fire was so bright and it always there. Not to hurt, but to protect.
She gave him a faint smile, "Shall we go inside?"
He knew he has been dammed.
It was too late for him to realised that he was captivated by those fierce sight.
He has been dammed.
Their footsteps echoed along the small corridor. Even when he completely understand if he was inside his lover's apartment, he couldn't erase a kick of joy as he found her scent in the air. He deliberately exhaled further to remember the scent; a sweet yet faintly sharp scent of a woman. Of her. It kicked his consciousness, exploded his sanity by the thought of the two of them, alone, in the apartment.
Don't be silly, Luciel could see him through security cameras, he reminded himself.
We are not completely alone.
"If it's okay if I leave you for a couple of minutes?"
Her voice reached out to him. He managed a smile, "Sure, don't hesitate. I'm here to look out for you, not the other way around."
"For that, I'm glad," she replied softly. "I couldn't imagine if it was Luciel. He might freak out about it, doing so much things that I couldn't comprehend. He has been loud enough about the security system."
He laughed along with her soft chuckle, "Speaking of Luciel, I need to inform him that you're safe."
"I understand. Then, see you in a couple of minutes."
He nodded and let her steps gradually became faint. His shaky breath came out in a long huff as he sat on the couch in the living room. The photographer remembered there was a hidden camera on the top corner of the ceiling and decided to wave as he fished out his phone and dialed the redhead's number. He waited until the hacker picked up while sorting his thoughts.
He had never been in an adrenaline rush situation like now. In his 27 years old life, what made his heart beats like crazy was nonetheless the moment when his eyes….
"Yes, V. I can see you enjoying your free time there."
He couldn't help but laugh as he heard the unique, playful redhead greeted him. "I see you are busy. You didn't pick up my call right away."
"No, V, you cannot see."
"Enough of the blind jokes, please."
The hacker's laugh was beautifully annoying, "Sorry, but I can't help it! To think that you are there with our prettiest member, OH MY GOD! A GIRL AND A GUY, ALONE IN AN APARTMENT~ Don't your heart race?"
"Don't be jealous," he teased. "I could hear it in your voice. You want to trade everything just to be with her right now, Luciel. Bulls eye," he added as a sharp breath cut off the redhead's laughter.
"Sneaky bastard."
"Thank you." He grinned and wave playfully to the security camera. "Now, she'll be safe with me. How long do you need to fix the security system?"
"Honestly, I don't know," the happiness has gone instantly, replaced by seriousness of what is ahead them. "In normal circumstances, it would take me a day and half, but my agency work is pilling up and I can't delay it any longer. It would take me two days or more."
"Is that so," he trailed off. Two days? Does that mean he had to sleep over? This is bad… I don't think I could restrain myself that long. "Can't you push the deadline?"
"If you want me dead, sure."
"Your sense of humour is the worst, really," the photographer sighed heavily. His mind was full of possibilities of what might happen if he stays over. First of all, he didn't bring any necessities. Moreover, he wouldn't know what would she thinks if she knew about it. "Is there any possibility to cut it in a day?"
"Like I said, you'll have my dead body."
"I shall talk to her first. She may find it… inconvenient." Just at the moment, she stepped into the living room. V could hear her faint footsteps as she came closer.
He flashed a smile to her and told goodbye to the hacker. "Sorry, Luciel said that…." he paused. There was a strong smell of soap. The particular humidity in the air. Without able to stop himself, the man felt his face became hot.
"Your face becomes red," she giggled and walk away. Probably to the kitchen. He could hear clanking noise and the stove being turned on. The photographer took this moment to bury his face in his hands and groan secretly–but she must've heard it, somehow. He can heard her faint snort. "Tea?" He heard her shouted from the kitchen and shout back in agreement.
He huffed. He inhaled. He coughed. He couldn't stay still. What the hell is wrong with him? He could smell hot water in the air, alongside with mild and distinctive aromas. Is that tea? What tea would produce such aromatic fragrances like this? Unusual, he thought, amused.
Not long, she was in front of him, placing the tea on the coffee table. "So, what were you saying about Luciel?" She asked him, "Ayway, have a taste of this tea. It's pretty rare."
"Well, he said he's going to fix the security system but it would take him two days, he's pretty occupied at the moment. Which means…." He stopped, unable to find the right sentences to tell her the truth.
"Which means?"
"I have to stay here in the meantime."
The silent followed after that was unsurprisingly uncomfortable.
"I see," he caught soft whisper from her but nothing more. She seemed to be thinking many things, which is understandable. What Luciel proposed was, indeed, out of hand.
"I understand your concern, but I don't have another option myself. Don't worry, I won't eat you," he added playfully. How long has it been since the last time he made a joke like this?
"Oh, that's not what concern me," she laughed lightly. He could hear her playful tone echoed in the living room and it awoken something inside him. He could feel that thing move, choking his sanity with longing that made his heart throb painfully.
His answer escaped his mouth without him able to stop himself, "well, I think you should. You never know, I am a man, after all."
The living room immediately became silent.
A sharp intake of breath could be heard clearly. A regret washed over him suddenly. V cursed himself wholeheartedly, how stupid he can be, to spoke such nonsense to someone who he vowed to protect. He would need actual miracle for her not to be disgusted by him right now. "I'm sorry, I–" he stammered but being cut off by her snort.
The newest member of RFA rested her chin on her palm while looking at him intensely. Those pair of eyes shone brighter than ever, he could almost hear the fire crackled in his head. "Never know you had it in you," she smiled beautifully and left him in an awe. "Sure, I'll be wary of you, as a woman, if you do wish so."
He almost let himself cried in surrender. His mind immediately went blank, left only her, and the echo of her laugh, spinning around and around inside him. It made him dizzy, it took his breath away. He tried to comprehend what happened within him, but the change was so rapid and spread out as fast as fire being blown by the wind. All he could manage was a shaky huff and let his face betrayed him.
Calm down, idiot, he scolded himself. You're 27 for Goddam sake.
Truthfully, even as a 27 year old adult, he never experienced such situation. Everything seemed to be absurdly fitting, even his unusual, raw interest of her. It felt as if he was a moth attracted to flame, he wanted to touch the flame, he wanted to be burn so he could be born again to embrace the protective flame. Again and again. He wanted it so badly and it left him breathless.
As a matter of fact, he wanted it so badly, he couldn't even remove his eyes from her. He didn't even know how long they sat there, almost face to face, each tried to engulf the other entirely. It was crazy, every fiber of him screamed longingly for her and it take a great deal of self-restraint, respect and maddening calmness not to leapt unto her.
It seemed she could read him thoroughly, given the fact that she shook her head with a smile. He unconsciously smile sheepishly, apologetic but unable to not enjoying their playful, emotional rollercoaster exchanges.
That's right, this was only their way of being playful, he reminded himself. He could never be able to reach her, let alone embrace her. Rika's face suddenly pop up on the back of his head, reminded him of his harsh reality. It left him weak and he clenched his hands in frustration.
"Is something wrong?"
Slowly, he shook his head in response. He couldn't meet her gaze, not now, never. She was the midnight scenery he longed to capture for eternity, something he will never be able to achieve. It made him weak in the knees and as the guilt and remorse creep into him, he managed to smile. "It is nothing. You should drink your medicine and rest. Don't mind me, I will stay here, if it's okay with you."
He should stay away from her because all he can do is bring misery for those around him.
"I see," she responded quietly. "…Well, I'm resting and you haven't drink your tea. I'm a little hurt to know my tea isn't attractive enough for you."
As he looked up to deny her words, he could see how she still watching him intensely, the fire in her eyes didn't waver even for a bit. Yet, her face... He unconsciously bit his lip. That beautiful face was now tainted with real concern. And with a heartwrenching realisation, he came to understand that she was concerned about him the whole time he was there.
A little bit shy, he smiled sheepishly. "I'll drink the tea, then."
As the sun descended, the apartment adopted the silence.
She had excused herself from the living room, the bitter taste of the medicine engraved on the tip of her tongue. It was hard to left the mint-haired man alone in the living room, but the said man had urged her, repeatedly, to rest and was being stubborn about it. Unable to hold the twinge of joy to see such enigma, that's been appeared on her dream multiple times, taking care of her, she then relented.
Yet, the tint of orange had painted the sky and she couldn't stay too long on her room. It suddenly occurred to her that she had not make any dinner for him. As she left her room, she took a peek on the head of RFA and her heart sank.
He had took off his coat and fell asleep on the couch. The man's face was pale and overshadowed by sadness. As the man's frowned and mumbled incoherently, she approached him quietly. It appeared that he had a nightmare or something similar, his breath was short and often caught. His hands clenched and unclenched repeatedly as he murmur inaudible.
She stopped in front of him, carefully study the photographer. Somehow, the sight of him brought similar memory of her own, memories of years ago, as she stood in the dark and carefully studied her mother's face in her sleep. She could hear it still, how her mother murmured her plea, how her mother shed tears in her sleep, how beaten up her mother was.
"Rika…."
The name of his lover shook her to the core. A pang of... jealousy, that she couldn't deny anymore, had eaten her, bit by bit. She came back to reality, rooted to the ground as she couldn't help but to watch him. She could see how the man stirred restlessly. His frowned deepened, sweat now filled his forehead, dampening the beautiful mint locks of his. He groan softly, desperately, as his face turned paler.
"Please don't," the man continue to mumbled. She had no idea what happened, but it broke her inside out to see him pleaded desperately like that, it almost snapped her last thread of sanity. "Let me… let it be just me…."
She couldn't hear more of it, so she took a deep breath and gripped his shoulder gently as his face turned paler by the second. "V," she called calmly. "V, wake up."
The man stirred once more, his mumbled filled with apology.
"V," she shook his shoulder gently yet firmly. "Wake up, V."
A couple more shook and the man gasped. His eyes flew open to her, but she knew he didn't recognise her at all. Those pair of eye… it sees beyond the realm of present, locking itself away inside the past. She was used to see that, how nightmare seemed to stole and crippled someone from time to time. As she watched him intently, it dawned upon her how awful his nightmare was. She knew it too well as she has been on the same position, just a couple years ago.
"V," she spoke calmly in her attempt to make him focus on her and the reality. The shoulder she gripped was shaking uncontrollably. "Look at me, V. Look at me, hey… stay with me. Stay with me. It was a nightmare. It was just a nightmare, yeah? Take a deep breath."
He inhaled and exhaled loudly, yet his eyes still hasn't been focused on her.
She smiled, "good. Look at me?" She ease her grip as the man seemed to gradually regained his consciousness. "This is real, yeah? You were dreaming, it was a nightmare."
She straightened her back and continue to study him. His disheveled shirt now dampened by sweat and, although he gradually became calm, she could still see the taste of nightmare lingered. "…would you like some tea? I can make one and you can wash your face."
The head of RFA just nodded and stood silently. She followed him to the bathroom with her gaze while her mind raced by every possible scenarios of what makes him having nightmare in the first place. As the bathroom door closed, she walked towards the kitchen to prepare another tea for him.
Busying herself with the art of making tea, her mind wandered aimlessly to seek explanation. The nightmare V experienced was so palpable, she couldn't shake off the dread feeling that almost rooted her to the ground. To see such man, whose heart was almost too pure to be true, struggled with something with no regard of his own self. Of how he begged desperately in his dream. It ringed true for her, whose mind kept flashing countless memories of her mother whom once begged in similar manner.
The kettle's sound snapped her out of her mind.
She rubbed her temple and switched her focus into making a best tea that could ease him. Yet the dread nagged her continuously, it made her restless, it gnawed on her sanity and her thunderous heart didn't help her either.
As she poured the boiled water, she wonder what was the man doing, being so long in the bathroom? At that time, her phone buzzed inside her pants. She set down the tea carefully and read whatever notification she has. Naturally, the RFA Messenger notification blared at her. As she logged in, she mulled over of V's nightmare she just witnessed.
She didn't even has any chance to say hi when the CEO of C&R bombarded her with questions. How was V? Why would he come over to the apartment, it's illogical and, apparently, isn't his usual action as Jumin stated. She scoffed yet answered all his questions as far as she could, yet as the tea turn cold and Jumin started to talk about his cat, the head of RFA himself has shut off on the bathroom.
She excused herself from the chatroom.
For a moment, she stood there, thinking whether to let him be or checking on him. The glint of security camera under orangish light helped her to decide which action she would take. She looked up to the security camera and waved. It was just a hunch of her, but it seemed that V was talking to Luciel, given the fact that his phone was nowhere in sight. To test her theory, she point the bathroom at the camera and pretended to go to the bathroom. Not even a second later V stepped out of it.
She didn't even move from her spot. Typical. As she huffed, she watched the mint-haired man closely and found him to look better, even a bit sheepish. "…You're okay?" She greeted.
He looked ashamed, "I'm sorry, I must've bothered you…" he said quietly without looking up. She tried to keep her eyes open, yet it hurts so much to see such similarity between the man in front of her and the past she tried to get rid off. "You even made another tea, I'm sorry."
She gritted her teeth to prevent her scream escaped. This whole situation was absurd and intolerable. She had tried her best to forget about her past, yet there she was, facing the similar manner rolled out in front of her without able to do anything. It almost made her cry in frustration, she suddenly wanted to just bang her own head on the wall. "V," she spoke as calm as she could. Her emotions was a mess right now, yet she couldn't just leave this be. "That's not what I asked."
Her tone must've changed completely since the tall man's went rigid almost immediately. She tsked in frustration after realising her grave mistake, but what's done is done. "Sorry, I didn't mean to shout. But, really, I was concerned about your well-being, so you shouldn't apologize for that…. Would you please sit down, first of all?"
He hadn't heard such sharp tones ever.
As he sat down and peered at her, she could see how frustrated she was and it made his heart sank. It must be his fault, it hadn't been a day and he managed to annoy yet another human he barely knew. And her tone… he could still feel a shiver ran down his spine a while ago.
He did realise she had no malicious intent, not that he had doubt her–and for that, he was glad. She does a warm person, just like a rose, a beautiful flower that protects herself and the one dear for her with her thorn. He could only pray to be Adonis and she the Aphrodite.
Yet, as he listened to her frustrated groan, he couldn't help but wanting to apologize. It was sweet, really, of how she was concerned about him, how upset she was to realise that he had disregarded himself, but… getting to know him would only bring misery unto her.
Which was why he had locked himself on the bathroom just to frantically called Luciel. He didn't want to pushed the red-head hacker but embarrassment and longing had knocked over his sanity. He could distinctly remember how stupendous it was when he saw her after such shivering memories that tore him away in his sleep. It was so ethereal, the was she stood in front of him, of how the light shone above her head, painted an angel-like halo on her. The nightmare continued to linger, but not for a long time.
Luciel might groan in frustration, but he couldn't stay for too long. He was but a weak man, filled with sadness and regrets, incapable of doing anything right. He was afraid of what would happen to her if she be near him like this. Her warmth tempted him, her unwavering demeanor choked him with longing. It stabilised him yet at the same time left him wanting more.
"You're okay, right?"
Such a weak voice, it filled him with deepest regret he had ever feel. He nodded, his mind raced to seek a way to fix this situation. But what, exactly, was he capable of doing? Even in Rika's case…. "I must've slept in weird position, it never happened before," he tried to make it light. He peeked at her, but she look down and shook her head slightly. Naturally, it escaped his mouth, "I'm sorry to bother you…."
"Is it because we just met?" She asked, slowly lifted her head. He couldn't help but be awestruck as the fire in her now aflame in a way that perished his guilt. He couldn't move. All he could was stared at her wholeheartedly, ready to do anything for her.
She continued to stare back at him as she spoke in careful yet in a strong manner, "Is it because we are stranger? It may seems rude but I think you should take care of yourself more than now. It's not a bother and it's no one's fault so I don't understand why you're hell-bent on apologies. God may have punish you himself but he would still hire a lawyer to prove your sins."
...What?
He was dumbfounded at the last sentence she spit so passionately. As he stared in shock at her, it seemed that she gradually realise what nonsense she just thrown so abruptly, given the fact that her entire face turned red in a second.
He felt a kick of playful sarcasm danced on the tip of his tongue, but he should just hold himself. No, Jihyun, you shouldn't. But the sight of her, stammered some reasoning in what she just said and how she looked completely panicked broke down his defense mechanism, "you know, I understand them separately, not in one sentence?"
It apparently took her a couple of second before she snorted, which set him off completely. As his laugh echoed on the living room, he could heard her half-hearted complaint, "you're the worst, V. That was so lame!"
"Oh, I don't want to hear that from someone who meshed God and laywer in one sentence," he let himself laughed again until his stomach hurt. The sound of their laugh mingled immeasurably. When his laugh died down slowly, he shook his head in wonder. "I was only able to know such jokes by reading, this is the first time I heard someone spoke about it, and in very passionate way, too."
"Shut up," she grinned sheepishly. "You're no different, that joke was as lame as your comeback."
"I stand corrected," he sang cheerfully, unable to stopped himself. God… it felt so amazing to laugh out loud like that. How long has it been since he was able to laugh freely like this? He couldn't remember, but he was grateful for the opportunity. He shot her a grateful smile.
She smiled warmly at him, suddenly made his heart skipped a beat and turned his mood completely. "I see you're fine, now," she spoke softly, it made his hair stood. There was such intimacy in her tone that he couldn't shake… or was it because he refused to? "It's time for dinner, are you okay with simple dishes?"
"I am…." He was so awestruck by the realisation that he couldn't responded better. So he let her go to prepare dinner while he sat alone, on the living room, with the heartbeat that gone stronger by each passing second.
He rubbed his temple in wonder, now he didn't know whether he should urge Luciel to speed his process or let him take his time. This current situation took him on an emotional rollercoaster ride, thanks to the fact that he kept remembering the way she smiled.
At this kind of time, he should clear his head. Luciel had warned him to stay, as the attack on the messenger increased suddenly and he couldn't even do his agency job due to it. And what was the red-head said? "You're practically locked there unless you want to blow things up, V. Enjoy your stay."
Putting aside Luciel's sarcastic remark, Jihyun understood that, completely, yet this confusion state definitely needed tobacco. He palpated around for his coat and when he found it, he seek his inner pocket. Yet, his hand hesitate as he didn't knew whether the newest member will be acceptable about it or not.
So he stayed put, fiddling with his pipe, as he thought about his current situation over and over again. He supposed to only remember about the one he used to love, but…. No, no, he still love Rika. Yet, even when he tried to convince himself, his word sounds too hollow to be true.
The scent of food greeted him as he waited. Having smell that, he suddenly realised how hungry he was. His stomach grumbled by such delicious stimulus, he couldn't stop himself to inhale deeply. Unconsciously, he walked into the kitchen. There, he could see the blurry sight of her back who stood by the stove busily preparing for their dinner.
She seemed to have heard his footsteps as she glanced back and commented in lightly manner, "I didn't know you smoke with pipe."
"Ah, I–"
"I used to smoke pipe too."
That surprised him. "You did?"
She nodded as she turned off the stove, "sadly, my pipe broke down. What brand was yours?"
"Ah... it's French's…."
"That's rare. Mine's is mostly Italy's," he could hear amusement in her voice, "oh, how do I missed it! Being broke doesn't do my hobby any justice at all."
He decided to sit in dining chair as she sweep out the plates for them. "It seemed that you have more than one," he trailed off. "That's impressive."
"Thanks, what's your tobacco?"
"Um, it's mostly latakia. I couldn't get used by the taste of any Virginia, it's too hot to my liking," a ghost of smile appeared in his face. Today surely was full of surprise, who can foresee that he would be have knowledgeable conversation about tobacco with the newest member of RFA? The rest of the member would be surprised for sure. As she come over with two plates of food, he dared himself to ask. "What's yours?"
"Cavendish, black. The earthy taste suits me well," she put the plates over the dining table. "Would you like to smoke first?"
"Is it okay with you?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
He started to fish out his pocket for tobacco and bowled his pipe wholeheartedly. There was this excitement swirled inside him that made him feel a bit tipsy. He could feel her gaze directed at him and the image of her watching him closely almost sent him on the edge, in a good way. As he lit his pipe, he looked up into her eyes and found a similar excitement there. A few more puff and the scent of tobacco started to danced in the air.
The excitement inside him had turned completely into longing under her gaze. "Would you like to…?" He offered quietly, almost whimpering.
"Is it okay?"
"Be my guest."
He proceed to watched her in nearly unworldly amazement as she puffed and smoke in perfect manner. Somehow, he could feel his face reddened by the feel of intimacy that hung in the air between them. It felt like a dream, a good one he had seek, yet it wasn't merely a dream. It was as real as his painful experiences, even better than he could ever imagine.
"Is it aged in a long time?" She handed him his pipe back. "It's better than I remember."
"7 years," he received his pipe with shaky hand. The fire lit in a stable way, but he couldn't stop thinking about how would their lips touch indirectly with this pipe and it made his face hotter than before.
"Wonderful," he could hear the longing in her tone and it made him dizzy. He tried to calm his thundering heart, reminding himself that it was her pipe she wants and not him as she sighed in awe, "this make me miss my pipe even more."
"I could lend you… after the danger passed."
She laughed heartily, "oh no, it's fine. I prefer to smoke together like this."
He was so sure she chose her wording deliberately but he still figdetting nonetheless. His trained instinct scream how wrong it was to seek comfort from other than the one he believe he loved, yet he couldn't stop himself for reaching out to the warmth she had offered. "Ah.. then feel free to join me anytime."
"Which reminds me," she sat across him, her eyes seemed to be searching for something in him. "Now that it's dark outside, where are you going to sleep?"
Luciel called both of them that night. The redhead hacker had informed them on his progress, of how he couldn't fully working on RFA's security as his work just keep piling up and how they needed to wait for three days or more. Naturally, it startled both of them as they couldn't go out of apartment at all until further notice.
It ended with almost heated debate over how they should proceed forward with current situation. She logged on to relay the information and so did V. The man typed furiously on the messenger, but relented as Yoosung, their youngest member, blaming and cursing at him. She couldn't stand it any further and took the matter into her own hand, resulted in an angry Yoosung left the chatroom but later calling her to apologize.
As she sat cross-legged on the floor, she glanced at the head of RFA who sighed tiredly after the phone call. Apparently, he received call from the CEO of C&R and his best friend had interrogated him meticulously. She carefully observed him, his dampened hair and disheveled appearance. The man stayed that way for a while but suddenly straightened his back and looked at her with a tired smile. "Smoke?"
She shrugged but edged closer as he bowled his pipe carefully. "It's a bizzare situation we're in right now," she offered.
"Tell me about it," he replied eagerly as he handed her his pipe and match. As she lit his pipe, he let out a long sighed. "It's been a while since Rika… left, but I guess the pain still there, especially for Yoosung."
She puffed out several times without taking her gaze off of him. "Isn't it the same for you?"
"You're right. It's the same for me," he agreed and took the pipe she offered. She let him inhaled deeply and waited. "…I was the head of RFA because my status with her, but I don't it I'm truly capable. As you can see for yourself, being the head of an organisation requires logical thinking under any situation, which Jumin's more capable of than me." He shook his head lightly, "I don't know why he accepted me as his best friend, really…."
At that, she tsked. "It may sounded a bit strange, coming from a completely stranger like me, especially because I don't know Jumin the way you knew him. But that last part will definitely hurt him if he happened to hear about it."
He chuckled softly after a moment, "you're right. But it has to do more with my own insecurity… oh, what am I saying? I shouldn't bother you with such ugly thing."
"Feel free to tell me anything, it's night, we're in such strange situation and nothing we can do about it." When he seemed to hesitate, she offered him a deal, "how about a story for a story? You tell me whatever you want and I'll tell you some stories in equal quality. Let's make it fair and interesting."
It was absurd and she knew he may have denied her, after all they didn't really know each other. But he laughed loosely at her offer and handed her his pipe, "Alas, why not? I couldn't sleep and I don't think you can. Stories wouldn't hurt, I guess?"
"But, to make it fair, you should tell me to stop when it gets too overwhelming," she rested her chin and wait. When he nodded in relief, she signal him to continue.
"Well, where was I…?" He ran his finger through his hair, thinking deeply. "…right. I actually have this… insecurity that I'm not capable of anything. It was strange, you know, seeing Jumin with his life. It seems to me that he knew what he wants and how to obtain it, as I have no such determination or courage myself. So, you could say that I've been jealous in the smallest amount with him."
He seemed to not knowing whether to continue or not, so she simply handed him his pipe and started sharing her own stories, "since you're talking about insecurity of yours, allow me to tell you about my own foolishness. I used to believe that no one care for me. My background actually a bit similar to Jumin in the matter of family, although it gravitated towards the uglier side of it. So, since I believed that nobody care, I started to use every methods a 17 years old teenager can think of to get attention," she let herself laugh. "Turns out, it was harming not only me but those around me."
She could feel his gaze upon her, how sympathetic he is with her story but she shrugged it off. "It's in the past, now."
"…that must be why you're so strong, right now."
She couldn't help but snorted. "No, it just because I have such high tolerance for strangeness. You didn't know what strangeness I've experienced in the 24 year of my life."
"Tell me about it?"
"Your turn, Mr. Head of RFA," she laughed as he groaned. "Hey, equality remember?"
"You're right," he put out his pipe after she refused it. "Um, well… um. I had a really bad handwriting…?"
"Pardon me?"
"You heard me," he replied, embarassed. "That's why, when Luciel set up the messenger, everyone but me contributed their hand writing for him to use… now's your turn...!"
It went back and forth and before they realise, the clock has showed 11pm. They ended up discussing plenty of things, from hobbies to their favourite music. She admitted it was better than she could think of and V himself seemed to gradually regained his composure. As the clock ticked and she started to yawn, V urged her to sleep.
"But what about you?"
"I'll sleep on the couch," he replied simply.
"Let me at least give you the pillow and, although it's too late to say this, I do hate to see your shirt crumpled, so I'll give you the blanket too."
His face reddened by the possiblities of what she just implied, "But that's…."
"Just wait for a second." She quickly got up and disappeared into the bedroom, grabbed a pillow, a blanket and handed them to him. "No buts. If you stubbornly want to sleep like that, I'll just stick around."
"Um… thanks."
They stared at each other for a very long time as silence embrace them. She could feel how those eyes… the pair of beautiful eyes that must've seen the world in different light, see right through her even if it couldn't see as clear as before.
"Good night," she whispered, her voice hoarse from the tension.
He sent her a sensuous smile, "Good night."