Chapter Text
As you slowly woke up, you peeked over to the edge of the tree to see the sun had begun to set.
You needed to go back, now.
You pulled yourself away from the large blue body. You had fallen asleep on his shoulder, again, while you were talking.
Your very best friend, Neteyam. Your other half in so many ways.
The one that you could never be with, you reminded yourself as you re-positioned your mask again, making sure it was well attached and still working.
Here was the detail, you were fully human. Or sky people, as they all liked to remind you when the others of the clan looked at you and whispered under their breath.
Were you angry at them ? Of course not. Sky people were still your people, as much as you wanted to erase that part of yourself. But that did not change the fact that your people had tried to take everything from the Omaticayas.
They had destroyed Hometree. Killed the Olo’eyktan. Killed so many of them, all for some resources. And you were simply a reminder of that.
Your small stature, your non-blue skin, your hands of five fingers, your mask always on your face. You were one of them, no matter how much you did not want to be.
But the thing was you didn’t know anything but Pandora.
Your mother, a scientist, had been pregnant when the evacuation happened. Barely pregnant, in the early stages, but still enough to not be able to be brought back, the flight too dangerous to take and cryo impossible.
So your father, one of the many military men on base at the time, had fucked off and taken the first flight home back to Earth, not caring about the woman he had fucked or his unborn child.
Obviously, your mother had wanted to go right back to Earth too, so she had hated you for keeping her on Pandora. She gave birth to you and got evacuated as soon as she could be.
You never heard from her after that. You never asked about her either. You didn’t care.
Home had been the remaining humans in the lab who had stayed. Home had been the multiple faces and hands you had been through. Home had been a little blond boy, human too, pulling on your hair and going out every day, when you barely had the courage to go explore.
Home was looking up at a tank with a large blue woman floating in it (“It’s a Na’vi.” Norm had said, while holding you on his hip, explaining to barely 1-year-old little you. “Well, technically, she’s but an avatar, so not truly Na’vi but… yeah. That was Grace. And soon, there will be another baby around, but blue.”).
That Grace had been pregnant, which you later on understood no one could explain. (Lo’ak would whisper his suspicions later on to you, in his own confident joking manner, loud enough for Kiri to hear. She had jumped on him after that. You had looked with a sigh, but a smile anyway.) But a blue baby came out soon after and was taken by two larger than life blue people. (Literally larger than life. You remembered looking up at them from the ground, fascinated and terrified at the same time.)
You had not seen her (Kiri, Norm had told you, back from a run to the Omaticayas in his avatar. Daughter of Grace. Daughter of Jake and Neytiri.) for a few years, until one day Spider dragged 5-year-old you to the forest to show you the clan and make you meet the Sully siblings.
You remembered how Spider had jumped in with them, so naturally, like another brother. You had felt awkward, looking from afar, already so aware of your differences even at such a young age.
Spider was being rowdy with Lo’ak while Neteyam was watching them with a shake of his head.
You had gravitated towards Kiri, who was sitting away from them, looking around her. You had sat down beside her.
Kiri hadn’t looked back for a minute or two, too engrossed in the world around her, until she had finally turned to you, surprised to see someone she didn’t know beside her.
“Sorry, I did the thing... You must be the human girl Spider keeps talking about ! It’s nice to finally meet you.” Kiri had exclaimed, with a smile so big you had loved her instantly.
“Must be me... I’m the only one around anyway... I hope he didn’t tell you bad things.” You had grumbled under your breath, sending a death glare to Spider’s back.
Kiri had shaken her head with a laugh. “Brothers, am I right ?” She had sighed, looking at her own brothers.
You had sighed back and smiled. You hadn’t countered the word. Spider was the closest thing you had to a brother. The only one who understood what you were going through.
Spider had gotten close to you two after a while. “I saw you with your look and your sigh. What are you saying about me, dumb ass ?”
“Absolutely nothing, I'm innocent." You had said, lightly kicking him with your foot.
He had narrowed his eyes in suspicion, until Lo’ak and Neteyam had come closer. Lo’ak was the first one to talk, while Neteyam was simply looking at you.
“Aren’t you going to introduce us, monkey boy ?”
“I have the unfortunate pleasure to introduce you to my daily pain in the ass.” Spider had told them your name as you had whined over his words, kicking him harder with your foot this time.
“It’s nice to meet you. He talks about you often. We wondered if you would ever come around.”
Neteyam had looked at you with a smile while saying it. You remembered liking him instantly, with his easy smile.
“I wasn’t going to, until Spider dragged me here.” You had whispered, looking at your hands.
“And we’re glad he did.”
Kiri had rubbed your back, before pulling you to your feet to show you the forest.
The rest is history. You came back, again and again and again. You couldn’t stay away anymore. You loved them. You felt like you belonged beside them.
But you knew you didn’t.
You barely went to the Omaticayas’ home. You always joined them in the forest, but you never crossed the line, as much as Kiri pulled on your hand to come with them.
“Come eat with us ! Come on ! Our parents would love to see you. They always hear about you, but never see you.”
(You knew that was not true. Maybe Jake wanted to see you more, getting it underneath it all, but Neytiri ? Spider had told you so many times how she looked at him with cold unforgiving eyes and whispered under her breath. (That did not stop him from sticking to the Sullys and always crossing that line you had drawn yourself.) (In the few times you had met them, her, she had never looked at you like that though. Maybe the fact that you stayed away made it easier for her to just... forget about you.))
In those moments when you refused and said you were going home with a sad smile, Neteyam would always walk you home, helping you get over any obstacle and helping you climb.
He kept growing taller and taller while you stayed small. Which means he was lifting you more than helping you climb, honestly. And he would make fun of you for it too.
(“Come on, sky girl, keep up !”
He said, laughing as he jumped over trees and vines easily.
“I’m trying, Nete ! You skxawng !”
You yelled and he laughed even harder, looking back at you, his braids swinging with the movement. Your heart skipped a beat.)
One day, when he was twelve and you eleven, he had stopped you before arriving to the small lab you called home.
Neteyam hesitated, your small hand in his. “You should really come around, one day. Just... come see where we live and eat with us. Just one time.”
You had seen the hope in his eyes and you had tried not to cave in. He couldn’t get you. Nope. No.
“Nete, I... You do understand that I don’t belong there, right ?” You had laughed faintly. “Spider doesn’t get that through his thick skull, but I do. No one wants to see me there.”
He had looked at you with sadness, taking your other hand in his free hand. “Other sky people come around all the time. And you do belong.”
You had bitten your lips, looking anywhere and everywhere but his emerald eyes. “Just one time, sky girl. Please.”
“Okay, okay ! Ugh, you’re so annoying, Neteyam.”
He had simply laughed before ruffling your hair, which almost made you fall down. (“Control your own strength, skxawng !”)
That was when you learned you could never say no to him. Anything he asked you would cave for.
(You had come around the next day, grumbling under your breath, as Neteyam pulled on your left hand and Kiri on your other one. Lo’ak was pushing at your back. Spider looked at you and laughed his ass off. You threatened to cut his hair in his sleep.
Jake had actually been happy to see you. Neytiri less, which you weren’t surprised about. You had tried to be as respectful as you could be, making yourself small, even though the others were making it hard for you to be.
Neteyam had sat down beside you, his shoulder and thigh brushing yours, clad in a simple tank top and shorts. You had been glad for the comfort.
When you had left that night, you had been surprised about Neytiri not being hostile to you. Not as Spider had told you.
That had made you come back a few times a week after that, for years. Even though Neytiri did not love you, but she accepted you at least. Even though some Omaticayas would look at you and whisper that you didn’t belong.)
You didn’t understand how you hadn’t realized your feelings for Neteyam back then.
He was your best friend, until he wasn’t just that. Until you looked at him and wanted more.
You didn’t remember exactly how the realization happened. You knew one day you thought he was just your closest friend and confidant, and the next day you wanted to hold his hand and kiss him on his stupid blue lips and fall asleep every night close to him.
Which led you to this exact moment. Sneaking out to go back home, because you couldn’t help but stick close to him. As much as you told yourself every minute of every day that you two could never be. Could never happen. Would never happen.
Sometimes, you even fooled yourself into seeing more in his looks and his touches. Seeing that maybe he saw you the way you saw him. But it could never happen.
As you walked back to the lab, you told yourself that he deserved more. Neteyam was...
You couldn’t even describe it. He was Neteyam. Good and protective and strong and kind and smart and beautiful. Caring. Loving.
He deserved everything. The mate. The family. The future.
You could never give that to him.
So as you said good night to the other humans, giving a small wave back to Norm, as took off the mask, as you laid in bed, you thought and thought and thought and hurt.
You fell asleep hours later, missing his warmth and hating yourself for missing it.
You dreamed of being Na’vi again. You dreamed of him. And it tore you apart.
You kept playing the good best friend, still never crossing lines until he looked at you with those eyes and that smile and you couldn’t help but gravitate to him.
He got even taller, broader, bigger. His voice got deeper. His skills got better.
He was one of the best hunters already at eighteen. He was to be a great future Olo’eyktan, after his father.
You couldn’t understand why he kept seeking you out. You understood when you were younger, but now?
You were simply human. You had barely grown. You had learned basic survival skills from Jake, who had insisted you learn them (“Just in case.” He had told you, a hand on your head.). You were glad he had taken the time.
Neytiri had, somehow, warmed up to you. As much as she could for sky people.
She had taught you how to use a bow, how to make arrows, how to defend yourself with them. You had taken every opportunity, working hard to learn. You wouldn’t speak a lot with each other and you never pushed it.
Mo’at had even given you great opportunities to learn from her, teaching you which plants healed what, talking to you as if you were a part of them.
(When you had asked her why, she had simply looked at you. “The great mother has shown me that you have great strength and a great heart. That does not come around very often in your people.”
You had almost cried in front of her in that very moment, sniffling and keeping them in as best as you could.)
Even through it all, a part of you always screamed that you didn’t deserve any of it. That you didn’t belong and would never. You had learned to not listen, every new acceptance and moment adding to your disillusions, every smile and look from Neteyam making yourself get closer.
The biggest reminder was when the sky people came back.
That had been your wake up call.
When it happened, you had been with all of the Sully siblings. Tuk was in your lap, even though she was already way taller than you, but hadn’t lost the habit from when she was small.
You were helping her make bracelets (“One for all of us ! And one for Mom and one for Dad !” She had exclaimed, excited to be with you for the night while their parents were out on date night.). Kiri and Neteyam too. Lo’ak was still on the same one, grumbling that they were braiding bracelets instead of going out. Spider too.
Neteyam had sat them down quickly when they had tried to get out.
“You guys’ asses are staying right there. No bullshit.”
You had laughed with Kiri, hiding behind Tuk.
All was calm and good until there were loud noises, until you all went out to see what was happening and you saw the forest on fire.
Until everybody screamed out that sky people were back.
You felt yourself faltering, your hand letting go of Tuk’s and dropping to your side.
They were back. Back. Back. Back. Back.
No. No. No.
You felt a hand on your back and startled as a voice talked to you, “You okay, sky girl ?”
The nickname that you loved from his lips now wanted to make you scream, cry, throw up. They were back. And you were one of them.
You had never belonged here and they had just reminded you of this very fact.
You looked up at him, smiled sadly and hid your face in his side to let yourself cry. You would let yourself give in this one moment of weakness.
And then, you were tearing out the plug.
You left right when Jake and Neytiri came back and the Sullys were too busy being together. You left without a word for any of them, without a word for Neteyam who didn’t realize you had left until it was too late.
You locked yourself in your little room. You barely went out for weeks. You couldn’t bring yourself to go back.
“If they ever come around, just tell them I’m not here.” You told Norm, before locking yourself in your room again.
They tried to come again and again. Neteyam knocked on your door, day after day, with the others or alone.
“Sky girl, come out. We all miss you.”
“Please, sky girl. Just... talk to me. I’m on my own. You know you can trust me.”
“You always listen to me, come out and let me listen to you.”
“Let me hear your voice. Tell me you’re okay.”
“Sky girl, I’m never going to stop coming, you know that right ? No matter how much you try to push us away, to push me away, I’ll never stop coming.”
You knew he wouldn’t stop. He was loyal to a fault. Protective. He wouldn’t abandon you.
That hurt more than anything else. If he stopped, at least, you could comfort yourself in the fact that he didn’t need you anymore. He made it hard.
He made you want to open that door. You missed him. Missed Lo’ak. Missed Kiri. Missed Tuk. Missed the forest and the sounds and the feeling of it all around you.
But you couldn’t. Not when you remembered that sky people were out there, hurting them again.
At some point, the scientists and avatars moved to the Omaticayas and the mountains, to help them, to be as close as they could.
You didn’t. You stayed right in your little room and in this lab. Some humans came around to see you as often as they could. Max and Norm stayed sleeping there almost every night, to not leave you alone.
Spider too slept there a lot.
You never opened the door for any Na’vi. Not even the ones you loved.
You were trying to distract yourself with some reading when loud bangs erupted on your door.
“It’s Kiri ! You need to come out, right now. Neteyam’s hurt !”
Fear spread through your whole body. Not him. You unlocked the door and opened it wide.
“What happened, Kiri ?” You asked, your hand shaking on the handle of the door.
“He... They were out on a mission, to get supplies from sky people. They were supposed to just be spotters but Lo’ak got into it, so Neteyam did too, and then there were explosions.”
You could barely hear more, your ears were ringing. She told you that it wasn’t too bad, that he would be okay, but you couldn’t feel your fingers anymore. What if he was badly hurt after all ? What if, what if, what if ?
You ran through the forest, Kiri helping you up the mountains. You barely focused on the mountains, barely focused on Omaticayas welcoming you back or looking at you surprised, barely focused on the other avatars calling out your name. You needed to get to Nete.
Kiri pulled you to their tent. Neteyam was sitting down, his back to you, while Mo’at tended to him and Kiri got right back in it as she arrived.
You saw the scars on his back. They had been bleeding but they weren’t deep. You dropped your hands to your knees and took your first real breath in what felt like hours.
“Well shit, look who’s back !” Lo’ak screamed out followed by Jake’s “Language !”.
Tuk jumped at you, crying out. “Don’t ever leave again ! We missed you !”
You rubbed her back, “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to hurt you, yawntutsyìp...”
Lo’ak hugged you fiercely, almost breaking your back while whispering that it was good to have you back.
Jake and Neytiri smiled at you.
Neteyam hadn’t said a word. He wasn’t even looking at you.
He waited until Mo’at had finished (“Welcome back, girl.” with a touch of her hand on your shoulder) and he was deemed okay to get up. He took your hand and pulled you away from everybody.
He stopped but still didn’t look at you, letting your hand go in the process.
“Nete... I know you’re mad at-”
He interrupted you, “Mad ? Mad ? You don’t know the half of it ! I tried being patient, I stayed there behind that locked door for hours and hours, worried to death. And now you do come out ?”
You could feel yourself getting angry too, your throat getting all clogged up. “I didn’t ask you to stay behind that door ! So what ? I shouldn’t have come out ?”
“That is not what I mean, you skxawng ! Fuck ! I was worried to death that you weren’t okay. You wouldn’t let me in. You wouldn’t let me be there for you. I hated it. Hated the fact that you were all alone in there. Hated myself for not being enough for you. I’m never good enough, even at this.” He said, gesturing with his hand to you and him.
You startled at his words, “Not good enough ? Nete, you’ve always been too good. You’re the best of us all. Look, you even got hurt again for one of us. Me shutting down ? It wasn’t you. It could never be your fault.”
“Then what is it ?”
Looking up into his eyes, the tears started falling before you even said a word. “They hurt you all again. The forest, the planet, the people... They did. And I’m one of them. As much as we try to act like I’m not, as much as we try to act like I’m part of you guys, I’m still one of them. I’m part of the people that keep hurting and taking from you all. I can’t fucking handle it anymore.”
You wiped your tears away, your eyes turned to the sky and not at him.
“I hate myself, you know. Hate what I look like, hate what I am. Hate that I can’t escape it, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to be a part of this, I will never be. People will only see that I’m...sky people.”
He took your face in his large hands, ripping your gaze away from the sky back to his eyes. He bent down, talking softly.
“Not to us. Not to me. Never to me. You look like them, sure. You’re small, fragile, and all the colors are wrong.” You scoffed and he softly tapped your forehead to make you stop. “But, inside ? You’ve never been one of them. You’ve always been one of us. And I know you’ve tried not to be, ever since we were kids. You’ve always tried to distance yourself from us. But, you can’t.”
He dropped his forehead to your masked-clad one and you traced the glowing freckles all over his face with your eyes, wishing it was with your fingers instead.
“You can’t go back. You can’t distance yourself. You’re Omaticaya. You’re with us, sky girl. You’re with me. I won’t let you go.”
You felt his thumbs gently rub your temples, behind the mask, wrapping his other fingers around your hair.
You came back with him to the tent. You stayed after that. You couldn’t go again. Not when he held your heart in his hands.
It all went back to shit when the Sullys came back without Spider. Quaritch was back. He had taken Spider with him. You could only comfort yourself in the fact that he would surely not hurt Spider. That was his son.
He might not have cared when he was human, but he wouldn’t hurt him. (Right ?)
And the Sullys were leaving. Leaving the Omaticaya clan and fleeing far away.
“I don’t want to go.” Neteyam whispered in your shoulder, both of you hiding deep in the forest.
“I don’t want you to go either, Nete but...you guys will come back.” You whispered, folded against him.
He shot up in a heartbeat at your words, “What do you mean, ‘you guys’ ?”
“Well, I mean you Sullys ?” You questioned, not understanding what he was asking.
Neteyam narrowed his eyes at you. “You’re coming, sky girl. So it’s a ‘we’.”
You scoffed bitterly at that remark. What was he asking from you ? To go to a completely different Na’vi clan with them ? A clan that would never accept you ?
“You know I can’t come with you, Neteyam.”
You got up and put some distance between you and him.
“The Omaticayas only accept me because of your father and because of the others. They wouldn’t, otherwise. You think a whole another clan far from here, with no sky people in sight will accept me ?”
He also got up and tried to close the distance you had created between you two.
“So what ?” He asked, truly angry this time around. “You just stay here while we go ? We have to leave you here ?”
“Yes ! That is the plan, Neteyam ! I can’t follow you there. Be realistic about it for one minute. Think about it. They will only reject me, and I get it.”
“You can’t ask this of me. They can’t ask this of me.” He shouted, pointing in the direction of his family. “I’m not leaving you behind.”
This was your very last night together for a long time and, instead, he had decided to be angry. Angry about something neither of you could control. You went to rub your eyebrows and forehead to try to calm the headache that was coming, before remembering the mask.
“I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn about this, Nete. Think about your family. I’ll be fine here.”
Neteyam turned to you and got right into your face as you said that.
“Why I’m being stubborn ? This, us, this is the one thing that is only mine. I don’t need to meet expectations, I don’t need to be the perfect son or the best. I can just be me. How can you ask of me to leave you here ?” He whispered, his hands gripping your forearms.
“And how can you ask of me to follow you there ?” You whispered back, lightly pushing his hands away which made him let go. “Nete... What did you think was going to happen ? That I was going to come with you guys ? That they were going to accept me and we could live happily ever after ? This isn’t one of the stories your father used to tell us.”
You stepped away, willing yourself to look up right into his eyes.
“We’ll never get an happy ending, Neteyam. Not us. I’m not Na’vi. I can’t be accepted. I can’t give you anything.”
“And I don’t need you to give me anything, sky girl. I just... I just need you.”
A sigh came out of your mouth. “What I mean is I can’t give you a future. Not one you want, not one you deserve. What we feel isn’t enough.”
His shoulders had drooped, his face was obscured by his braids. You had never seen him so defeated and you hated that you were the one to put this look on him.
“It is, for me. I see you. Oel ngati kameie.”
He softly said it. A part of you had always known that he saw you the way you did him, but hearing it... Your heart wanted to be out of your chest.
But it also broke. Because you couldn’t say it back. As much as you wanted to.
“Nete... Please...”
Your voice broke, the sobs threatening to come out.
“It won’t be enough... If I say it back, one day, you’d resent me for it.” You cried, willing for him to understand. “One day, you would look back at me and wonder why you ever tried with me. I can’t...share the mating bond with you. I can’t give you a family. I can’t give you what I know you want, growing up in the family that you had. And I can’t do this to you. I’m sorry, Neteyam.”
He had no reaction. He stayed there for what seemed like forever. He then simply turned away from you and left.
You collapsed on the floor and cried silently for a while. When it finally caught up, you openly sobbed and sobbed until your voice was hoarse. You had ruined the one good thing that you had, you had broken your heart completely and his too.
It would never be the same. You would never get back the moments you shared with him. Holding his hand, falling asleep on his shoulder, flying his ikran with him, sharing a hunt, talking and talking for hours. Having no secrets. Knowing him inside and out and him knowing you inside and out.
It was over.
You said goodbye a few hours later to the Sullys, your eyes puffy and red and crying again as you had to let go of the people you loved most.
Kiri and Tuk didn’t want to let you go. You didn’t want to let them go.
Lo’ak comforted you, hugging you in the way he always did. (“Don’t be an idiot out there, dumb ass.” “Yeah, yeah, sky girl.”)
Jake put a comforting hand on your head, told you to be careful. Neytiri squeezed your shoulder with a smile (which you would have celebrated in the past but had no strength for now).
Neteyam never looked at you. He was already on his ikran, ready to leave. You only ever saw his back as they flew away.
It was over.