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Neteyam never thought he would feel this way for a person of the sky people.
Not that he grew up hating them, no, he didn't. His father came from them. Without them, he wouldn't even exist.
But his father looked and was Na'vi now. And you ? You looked nothing like they all did.
You were small.
You were a five-year-old, only a few months younger than he was, when you met.
You had been a little thing in your human clothes, sitting down with Kiri. (He had heard all about you from Spider though. His surrogate sister. The other human girl born and stuck on Pandora. He had been curious.)
He didn't know it, but in that moment, when you looked at him and at your hands, unsure of why you had even let Spider drag you to the forest, he had already felt protective. Protective of your mind and your spirit.
He wanted to put a smile on your face.
You were also...well...not blue. With strange ears, no tail and no queue.
(He had always felt sad for the lack of queue. When he was younger, he thought it was simply because he loved you as a friend. As he grew older, he realized otherwise. It was more. It had always been more.)
He remembered the way you would look longingly at them forming tsaheylu with a pa'li, and even more at the tsaheylu forming between them and an ikran.
Jake and Neytiri had let you be there as he took on the iknimaya. Lo'ak had also been there, as he was to take it only a year later.
He remembered your eyes on him. He also remembered almost failing, nervous, wanting to prove himself to you that he was a good hunter. (That he could protect you.).
He had tried not to be too distracted, making it through the iknimaya and riding his ikran. He had seen your look.
He always saw everything when it came to you. And that look ? He knew you wanted to ride an ikran with him. He wished you could.
He did the next best thing the minute he could fly freely. Neteyam took you, putting you in front of him, and flew with you.
Those were his favorite flights. The ones where he could feel you against him.
("Are you sure this is a good idea ?" You asked, slightly turning your head towards him.
"Do you not trust me, sky girl ?" He whispered in your ear with confidence.
You nodded, red spreading to your ears. Pretty.
You settled further into him and he couldn't help but gulp.
He could feel you pressed against him, your back to his chest.
Neteyam wanted to hug you so badly. Wanted to push his face into your hair and hug you as tight as you could handle. Hold you gently, stay close to you. He didn't though.
He was too scared to go past the lines you had created. Too scared to push too much and make you distance yourself further.)
He knew. He had always known.
Neteyam had always seen how you tried to distance yourself. How you pulled away. How you hesitated and thought you weren't supposed to be there, with them, with him.
You had this one look on your face. A look that told him you were overthinking. A look that said you were in pain.
He wanted to wipe it off your face every time, reassure you, tell you you were a part of this family too. But what could he do when his presence was the one thing hurting you ?
But he couldn’t stay away.
A hand was always reaching out for you, a shoulder brushing yours.
He could remember the heat of your shoulder and of your thigh against his, as you came to eat in the Omaticayas’ home, in his home. Your shy smile. The uncertainty until you settled slightly against him.
The distance grew smaller and smaller after that. You still had that look sometimes, but a Sully always popped you out of your bubble.
He always looked for you in any crowd, in any setting.
He loved seeing you with his siblings. Loved that you loved his family as much as he did.
(You had been declared the two responsible kids by Jake, to watch over the rest of the Sullys.
At sixteen and seventeen, Neteyam might have been the oldest but you weren’t. That didn’t change the fact that Jake saw you as more responsible than Spider...or Lo’ak.
Which Neteyam understood.
You never tried anything dangerous, well, not most of the time, unless Kiri or Lo’ak or Tuk dragged you into something.
Most of the time, you were watching over Kiri and something would happen.
One day, you followed her around as she had been lost in “her thing”. Neteyam had let you both go, trusting that you were both going to be okay in the forest.
You came back running, pulling Kiri behind you by the hand.
“Shit! Shit! Shit!” You were screaming. “What’s going on ?” He asked, worried, already ready to defend you if he had to, bow in hand.
An angry 'angtsìk appeared, ready to charge again.
“How the hell did you get it to follow you all the way here ?” Lo’ak laughed and laughed even harder at the look on your face. “You know you’re supposed to just stand your ground and scare him away, right ?”
You groaned and narrowed your eyes at him. “Well, I’m not an 8-feet-tall Na’vi. I got scared, okay ?”
Lo'ak imitated you in a higher voice. You stuck out your tongue and Lo’ak stuck out his tongue back.
Neteyam rolled his eyes.
Kiri looked apologetic and kept saying that she was sorry as you waved her excuses away. “It’s okay, Kiri, really. We’re both okay and that’s all that matters.”
He got into action before the 'angtsìk could charge again. Standing his ground. Ready to charge himself in the animal.
It left as he heard you try to catch your breath.
“And my dad deemed you responsible.” Neteyam teased, his braids swinging with the turn of his head.
Your eyes turned up to his face fast, blood rushing to your cheeks. “Not my fault you’re the truly only responsible one of all of us.”
You avoided his eyes, looking everywhere on his face but them.
You had been watching him as he scared the 'angtsìk away. Pride swelled in his chest.
He could not care less about looks or talks in the clan. He cared about what his parents thought, what his family thought.
And he cared what you thought.
That was a part of how he realized his feelings. The way he always wanted your approval. Always wanted your eyes on him and him only. The way his eyes never left you.
He always tried to find you, anywhere and everywhere. He always looked and watched you and saw you.)
So the distance got smaller and smaller with the years.
Five and six years old, to seventeen and eighteen.
He watched you grow up, watched you integrate into his family fully, watched you taking care of Kiri and Tuk.
Watched as his father taught you. Watched as his mother taught you.
He was proud to see you stand your ground, bow in hand, arrows ready. He was proud to have you with him on hunts you would do together.
He was proud to have you with him. Proud to wear the beads you had put in his hair.
(“I don’t know if I even have the right to do this.” You whispered, beads you had prepared in your hands.
“You do. And I want to wear something of yours.” He said back, his hand settling under your chin to make you look at him.
You smiled and got closer. Neteyam pinched your ear to tease you. You swat at his shoulder and he laughed.
Your smile got even bigger.
He watched you the whole time, taking in your determination and concentration as you did it.
You were so close. He wished he could kiss you.
He wore the beads proudly later. Kept repeating they were yours.
“Shut up, Nete !” You exclaimed every time, your hands fidgeting together, shy.
He softly smiled every time.)
Proud to be the one you stayed close to.
He loved the nights when you would fall asleep on his shoulder, deep in the forest, just the two of you.
Neteyam would watch you sleep, watch your face underneath the mask. You looked so peaceful and beautiful under the stars.
He wished you could always stay like that, just the two of you. He wished he could keep you right there, in the crook of his shoulder and his neck. He wished he could keep your warmth right there.
But life didn’t work that way. Especially not for them and not for you two.
Neteyam was watching you make bracelets with Tuk and Kiri. Lo’ak and Spider kept grumbling beside him as they made the bracelets.
“Can you all skxawngs stop acting like kids for two seconds ?” He sighed with a shake of his head. “If you go outside again,” He pointed at Lo’ak who rolled his eyes. “mom and dad will be after my ass.”
Spider smirked and laughed. “Yeah, yeah, Neteyam is so responsible after all.”
Lo’ak also smirked and looked over at you. “It’s not at all because she wanted to stay with Tuk and Kiri so you have to stay too, right brother ?”
“I mean, he’s been stuck on this one bead for the past twenty minutes because he’s too busy being a responsible brother, and definitely not because his eyes have been stuck on someone.”
Neteyam grumbled. “You really are the two biggest dumbasses. Eywa, help me.”
Lo’ak snickered. You looked over and Neteyam instantly met your eyes. You raised an eyebrow (What’s wrong with him (again) ?). He just smiled and shrugged (It’s Lo’ak.). You softly laughed before Tuk took your attention again (“Should we go for blue or red ?” She asked, pushing the beads up to your eye level.).
“See ? Gone again. And having a creepy silent conversation with their eyes.” Spider commented, bumping his shoulder into Lo’ak’s.
“You are the biggest dumbass, big bro. Just say something to her, or one day I think you’re gonna explode with all your feelings.”
Neteyam shook his head and dropped down to a whisper. “You know I can’t. You know how she is, Lo’ak. And especially you Spider. Saying anything would scare her away.”
And he especially did not want that. He preferred keeping it all inside than losing you. If he kept it inside the limits, he kept you beside him as his closest person. If he didn’t define what you both were, what you both felt, you wouldn’t leave.
(He knew you felt the same as he did. He knew you saw him, the way he saw you. How could he not when all he did was observe you ?
He saw your looks, your smiles, your eyes. He knew you, knew what they meant. You didn’t look at Lo’ak or Spider that way. Or any other male of the clan. Only him.)
Spider sighed. “I know, Neteyam. I get it.”
Lo’ak put a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder before going back to his bracelet with a grumble.
Neteyam rolled his eyes again and went back to it too.
Loud noises erupted, breaking the peace. He jumped up, already outside in an instant.
Everyone followed closely.
He felt you get closer to him, as everyone looked.
The forest was on fire. Ships were coming down.
Sky people were back.
Kiri hugged Tuk close. Lo’ak was looking silently. Spider’s expression was somber.
And you, your tears started falling.
He hated it. They were back to destroy everything. He had never known the chaos they brought to the forest, only hearing stories from his parents, Mo’at, the clan, or other humans like Norm.
He had also gone to the lab sometimes, to see you and had seen the archives. Some images and scenes.
“You okay, sky girl ?” He asked, bending towards you, his hand on your back, rubbing gently.
You hid your face in his side, and he hugged you closer. You didn’t say anything and he hated it. Hated that they had put you in this state.
His parents came home quickly from their date, grief all over their faces. In the commotion, he didn’t feel you slip away.
He hugged his parents, his sisters, and his brother.
Jake looked at all of them. “We’re gonna be okay. It’s all going to be okay. Sullys stick together.”
They all nodded.
He realized you weren’t there anymore as they parted. “Kiri, did you see her leave ?” He asked as he looked everywhere around him.
Kiri also started looking around her, panic in her eyes. “No, I didn’t. I thought she was right there.”
He saw Spider a bit away, sat down, his eyes on the wall. But, no sign of you.
Shit. “I’m going after her. She must have gone home.”
He started leaving in a hurry before Neytiri caught his arm. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea to go into the forest right now, Neteyam.” She softly said, still shaken.
Neteyam shook his arm from her grip. “And it is a good idea for her ? She’s all alone. I’m going.”
He saw the tortured look in his mother’s eyes and the regret. He didn’t pay attention.
He would always be the most behaved kid of all of them. Not when it came to you, though.
He quickly left and ran all the way to the lab. It wasn’t that far but it felt like hours getting there. His gut was telling him something was so very wrong.
He felt a pit in his stomach grow larger and larger as he grew closer to your home.
Norm in his human form was the one to greet him first in the lab as Neteyam took the mask.
He didn’t need to ask if you were home. He understood from Norm’s look that you were but that it wasn’t good. He walked to your door. Closed.
He knocked. “Hey, sky girl, it’s me. I...You left without telling anyone. Are you okay ?”
He waited and waited and waited. No answer.
The bad feeling grew and grew.
“Come on, just... I just need to know you’re okay. Tell me you’re okay.”
No answer.
He wanted to knock down the door, get in and not leave you alone with your thoughts. But he wouldn’t push.
You would come back. You would.
“I’ll leave you alone for tonight, okay ? I’ll be back. Rest well, sky girl.”
He stayed a few more minutes right in front of the door. He made no noise.
He finally heard you when you thought he was gone. Silent cries and small sobs that you were trying to hide.
Neteyam had never hated a door more.
He left.
He came back the next day. And the next. And the next.
He didn’t stop.
You never opened your door. You put up a wall.
You never showed up again, for weeks and months.
The other humans, Norm and Max, all moved with the Omaticayas in the mountains to be closer. To fight back.
You didn’t. You stayed in the original lab and in your room.
Neteyam was going crazy inside. He acted calm on the outside as the fighting back happened, as he had missions his father entrusted him with.
It helped to not think about you for a few hours. But when he did not have any mission, his only thoughts were about you. Were you okay ? Were you sleeping ? Were you eating ? Were you crying again ?
He knew Norm, Max, and Spider stayed most nights with you. He was grateful.
He knew you would go outside sometimes but never too far. Never too close to them, to him.
(“Norm, please, is she okay ?” He asked desperately one day as he tried to make you talk to him again.
Norm looked sad, a hand going through his hair. “She... she’s as okay as she can be, with everything. We make sure she eats and sleeps, though, do not worry.”
He nodded with a thankful smile.
A smile that wasn’t true. He felt like he couldn’t feel joy anymore. Not really.)
He missed you, more than everything. He missed your presence and your voice and your warmth.
Spider still came to visit. You didn’t.
“How is she ?” Neteyam asked another time, another day.
Every time, Spider would look saddened. He never brought good news.
“Same as always...”
Lo’ak grimaced.
Kiri had a hard time without her best friend. Tuk without her big sister. He saw it every day.
Kiri would have moments when she looked nowhere and it wasn’t her moments of getting lost. They were looks to her side, where you were supposed to be.
Tuk would send looks to the bracelet around her wrist, the one you had started with her, the one she had had to finish with Kiri alone.
“Big bro, it’s going to be okay. She’ll be back. We have to believe in that.” Lo’ak said, tugging on one of the braids that held your beads.
He wanted to believe in his baby brother’s words. But he felt more and more that you would never come back, that you would stay in your little room and he would never see you again.
He never stopped going to see you though. He couldn’t. There never was a thought in his mind, a part of him that would let him abandon you. You were a part of the Sullys, even if you wouldn’t accept it, and Sullys stuck together.
He wanted to call you a skxawng and smack you over the head for leaving. He wanted to hug you.
But, he thought he would never see you again.
On a mission with Lo’ak, as spotters, Lo’ak had wanted to do more. So the skxawng that he was jumped in the action.
Neteyam jumped in too to protect him. And got hurt in the process.
Their father had been angry and he had taken all the blame, again. He always did and always would. He was the oldest. He had to be responsible. He was the protector.
He could get so tired of the role, of the responsibilities. He would never show it to them.
He missed you.
(You were hugging him, his head fitting awkwardly in your neck, but he did not move. He didn’t want to.
“Sometimes, I feel like I’ll never be good enough, you know ? I try my best and try to protect everyone. Lo’ak especially but...”
You sighed. “Nete, you’re literally already one of the best hunters. You’re always there for them, for Lo’ak. Of course you’re good enough.”
He sniffled. “You’ve always been good enough. Your dad can be harsh but it comes from love. That’s just how he is but I know he’s proud of you. Your mom too.” You whispered, your hands rubbing his back. “Lo’ak loves you, he’s just... Well, you know how Lo’ak is. And Kiri and Tuk too, obviously. You’re their older brother.”
“But is it enough ?” He asked, unsure.
“It’s enough. You’re enough, Nete. You’re perfect the way you are.” Your hands continued their gentle path.
He wanted to fall asleep exactly like that, in this safe place. You were his safe place.)
As Mo’at tended to his wounds, Kiri disappeared and came back at some point to help her.
“Well shit, look who’s back !” Lo’ak screamed out.
His heart stopped.
He heard your voice.
Neteyam finally breathed again for the first time in months. Just with the sound of your voice.
He could feel your eyes on him. He didn’t turn back.
He could breathe again, but he could also feel the anger rising up. He had been so worried, so scared.
He didn’t turn until Mo’at said it was okay for him to move. He needed the time, needed to prepare to see you again.
He stood up and turned. There you were.
Your eyes under the mask watching him, unsure and worried and relieved.
He couldn’t stand it, the conflict of feelings he got from seeing you. The relief, the love, the anger.
Neteyam took your hand and led you away into the forest.
You finally talked to him. Finally told him why you left.
He had already known the reasons, honestly, but had needed to hear them from you. He had wanted you to give him a chance to speak with him.
He had felt like you had thought he wasn’t good enough. That this, you and him, weren’t good enough.
You were crying. He wanted to wipe your tears away, but he couldn’t.
“I hate myself, you know. Hate what I look like, hate what I am. Hate that I can’t escape it, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to be a part of this, I will never be. People will only see that I’m...sky people.”
He couldn’t believe the words coming from your mouth. He knew you had always had a hard time with your identity, knew you felt like you didn’t belong, but hating yourself ?
How long had you kept this inside yourself ? What had you felt really for so many years ? Had he been so blind to the extent of it all ?
Neteyam gently took your face in his large hands. He was always so scared of hurting you.
“Not to us. Not to me. Never to me. You look like them, sure. You’re small, fragile, and all the colors are wrong. But, inside ? You’ve never been one of them. You’ve always been one of us. And I know you’ve tried not to be, ever since we were kids. You’ve always tried to distance yourself from us. But, you can’t.”
He truly believed in his words. You looked like them. He couldn’t deny it. (As much as he had dreamed, time and time again, of you as a Na’vi. Of flying together on ikrans. Of sharing the bond.) (He didn't care what you looked like honestly. He thought you were the most beautiful being.)
But you had never been sky people. Not ever since you were 5 years old. Not ever since you had entered their lives. Not ever since you had come into his life and made it all better.
“You’re with us, sky girl. You’re with me. I won’t let you go.”
He thought he would never let go again. He believed it as he wrapped his fingers around your hair and brushed your temples gently with his thumbs.
He believed it as you looked up at him and smiled softly, letting down the wall, and opening the door.
They would fight against sky people and you and he would live again, together, as you had always been.
But Quaritch came back. Attacked his family. Took Spider.
His father decided the only reasonable thing to do was to leave, flee far away, to protect both the clan and their family.
He hated the decision but shut up. This was his home. How could he leave it and be okay with it ?
But he would always go with what his father decided to do.
He saw the heartbreak in your eyes as he told you the decision his father had made. He thought it was the same heartbreak he had, over leaving home.
There had never been a thought of you not coming. Never.
He was a fool. A much-in-love fool, who had grown up with you and saw no problem in you coming.
Of course, you were coming. He wasn’t leaving without you.
Neteyam and you were together under the stars, one last night in the forest.
You were the only one he ever told the truth to. The extent of his thoughts.
“I don’t want to go.” He whispered into your shoulder, against the softness of your shirt.
“I don’t want you to go either, Nete but...you guys will come back.”
The answer dizzied him. “What do you mean, ‘you guys’ ?”
“Well, I mean you Sullys ?” You questioned. You tilted your head in question.
He couldn’t understand your words. Neteyam narrowed his eyes at you. What were you saying ?
“You’re coming, sky girl. So it’s a ‘we’.”
Your bitter scoff rang in his ears.
“You know I can’t come with you, Neteyam.”
Your words broke his heart. Made him angry. He wanted to cry and scream at the same time.
He got mad at you. He was mad over the situation, over his father making the decision, and over the world.
“I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn about this, Nete. Think about your family. I’ll be fine here.”
Stubborn ?
He was never stubborn, that was true. He never fought his parents over anything. He tried his best to be the best. To always satisfy.
But this. You and him. This was the one thing he was stubborn about. The one thing he would fight anyone over.
“Why I’m being stubborn ? This, us, this is the one thing that is only mine. I don’t need to meet expectations, I don’t need to be the perfect son or the best. I can just be me. How can you ask of me to leave you here ?” He whispered, his hands gripping your forearms.
“And how can you ask of me to follow you there ?” You whispered back, lightly pushing his hands away. His hands tingled. He felt the rejection. “Nete... What did you think was going to happen ? That I was going to come with you guys ? That they were going to accept me and we could live happily ever after ? This isn’t one of the stories your father used to tell us.”
Neteyam felt a lump in his throat. He knew he had been a fool deep down, but what was he supposed to do ?
He loved you. Nothing could make him face reality. Until you decided to do it.
“We’ll never get a happy ending, Neteyam. Not us. I’m not Na’vi. I can’t be accepted. I can’t give you anything.”
He didn’t want anything from you. He just wanted you. You.
“And I don’t need you to give me anything, sky girl. I just... I just need you.”
A sigh came out of your mouth. “What I mean is I can’t give you a future. Not one you want, not one you deserve. What we feel isn’t enough.”
Not enough. Not enough.
That rang and turned in his mind.
Neteyam had always told you how he never felt enough, no matter what. He had thought this was the one thing he was good enough for, this relationship. He was good at having you by his side, at keeping you safe, at keeping you happy.
He saw the pain and the regret of your words on your face, but he knew you wouldn’t stop. He still tried to stop your words.
“It is, for me. I see you. Oel ngati kameie.”
It was an effort that he already knew would not work. He was sure, deep down, that you already knew and had always known. Just like he knew you felt the same. He had had to try. He had had to say it, just once.
“It won’t be enough... If I say it back, one day, you’d resent me for it.” You cried and it broke his heart. “One day, you would look back at me and wonder why you ever tried with me. I can’t...share the mating bond with you. I can’t give you a family. I can’t give you what I know you want, growing up in the family that you had. And I can’t do this to you. I’m sorry, Neteyam.”
You had thought about the future. He had always ignored it.
Neteyam had always been the more mature one of his siblings, also acting as the more logical one over emotional, but he had always ignored your differences. He never was brave enough to face them. Facing them meant thinking about all that was impossible.
He loved you and imagining the future meant realizing that this love, this relationship was doomed. No matter how much you both felt.
You already thought it was doomed. You wouldn’t go back on it.
He wanted to take you in his arms, forget it all and act as if nothing had ever happened.
He stayed frozen until he knew he had to walk away. You wouldn’t accept anything from him ever again, wouldn’t you ?
You had put up your wall again, the door was closed. No matter what, nothing he would do would open it again.
Neteyam walked away from his safe place. (He heard your sobs as he left. You had broken your heart by talking. He had broken his by walking away.)
He didn’t look at you either when they left. He couldn’t.
Not because he hated you. He could never. (His heart was still in your hands. He could never get it back. He already knew that. It would always be you.)
But because he knew if he looked at you, looked into your eyes, he would break. He would beg you to just come. Beg you to change your mind.
He did not look. He flew away.
He thought of you the whole flight. He thought of you every day after that.
But it was over, he couldn’t think otherwise.