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Kaeya froze, unable to do anything except from feeling on his neck the hair stand on the end. The anxiety attack built up more and more, but then he crossed looks with Xiao. The always-collected friend’s eyes darted around while he tried to unfasten his seat belt with one hand, the other one pressed to his chest as if his heart was about to jump off.
Kaeya practiced driving so much exactly to handle such situations. To not let others feel the way he felt
that
night. When he remembered that, the same thing that brought him to panic before, now helped him to keep emotions on hold. He steadied breath, focusing on the facts. Physically, they both were fine. The car obviously wasn’t broken, and the other driver just left their car to confront him.
“Everything’s fine. Be right back.”
His emergency mode kicked in. He spoke to the other driver, exchanged data, assessed the state of the car and assured the stranger that he’s
alright, just stressed.
Everything took less than five minutes. It was nothing more than a dented bumper, and it wasn't even his fault. Nobody got hurt. Nothing was wrong.
The relief right after being on the edge of panic just a while before made him giggle. He didn't let tears, even those of relief, run down his cheeks. They both sat on the side of the road in silence, looking at the vehicles passing by as they waited for their instincts to drop the alert.
Not without a shameful satisfaction Kaeya noted that he was indeed calming down sooner than Xiao who still didn’t look well when he returned. Though, pride was not strong enough to cover the wave of shame he felt right after.
Kaeya got a driver's license and practiced enough to be the best driver in his
Family
.
He skillfully navigated through the most tangled city streets, and always made sure to adjust his driving style to the conditions of the road and to his passengers.
He was a good driver to be the first choice for the job.
He was a good driver to make sure something like that night would never happen with him.
Maybe this situation made Xiao regret he trusted Kaeya, and from now on, he once again would deny any offer to travel out of the town? And of course, it would be his fault. It wouldn’t, but it
would
. Who knows, maybe even now, Xiao planned to leave him and risk his safety just to not be here?
Kaeya knew it was ridiculous, yet he felt like he had to comment on it. He had to let Xiao know that he expected him to lose all trust in his skills and that he didn’t mind it.
"Walking here is forbidden within a few kilometers range. I can't let you leave my car just now."
"No need. Just give me a moment."
"...I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"I'm sorry anyway. “
Eventually, they hit the road. Kaeya, who usually had the talent to lead a casual conversation even with Xiao, now started to talk about anything, just to turn their attention from their shared moment of panic. Yet regardless of what he was talking about, he still thought of that situation as if it was a big deal.
How could he expect that the unfortunate event would happen the rare time when he offered Xiao to pick him up? Out of everyone, Xiao was one of the people Kaeya tried to be careful with; Albedo mentioned that he had “bad experiences” with cars as well. Kaeya didn’t know any details, nor he could force his friend to spill the tea, but he could understand it had to be something Kaeya could understand to some extent.
“You don’t need to force talk now.”
“What do you say, since when do I have to be forced to talk?”
“I listen a lot.”
His smile dropped.
I listen a lot
– did he mean that he knew a lot listening to other people’s comments on Kaeya, or that he listened to Kaeya enough to spot his mind was far enough to not make his talk convincing now?
“You said nothing happened. Is that true?”
“Er, uhm, yes. Nothing apart from a small dent.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“No, it was the other guy’s carelessness. I just know you too may–”
“Me too?”
Xiao turned his face to Kaeya, making him unable to ignore the eyes piercing through his temple. Wait. What were these questions out of nothing? Was Xiao just Kaeya-talking Kaeya? He couldn’t help a chuckle.
I thought Albedo had a strong impact on you. Seems that not only him.
“What are you laughing at?” — Now that was the Xiao Tone - serious, with a dose of warning. Though, Kaeya couldn’t care less for the moody companion to get the grumpy mode. If he felt like biting Kaeya with questions, it meant he didn’t feel that bad anymore. Actually, Kaeya didn’t mind explaining himself a bit.
“Do you know the feeling when you try to sleep but you don’t feel sleepy at all once in bed, and so you lay there and wait?”
“It’s hard to sleep when one must be vigilant all the time.” Xiao, a little confused, admitted with a short nod.
“Right. The alert, the tension. Yep. So, I had this problem after a car accident, that whenever I would start to fall asleep, I'd see a flash of light before my eyes, and felt like I was falling. The ‘heart attack’ would wake me up.”
“After my father died in that accident, I had plenty of time and plenty of these flashbacks when I tried to sleep. So, I promised to myself that I would do everything within my power to keep my… people as safe as I could.”
“I love driving. I like to ride fast whenever it’s safe. The adrenaline. Though, whenever things like that happen, I remember the feeling of helplessness. It turns out that some memories always stick to us, regardless of how well we handle them.”
“...And the least I want is someone else to be affected by it again.”
Kaeya knew what he said only made it clear that he knew he apologized for nothing. Yet, a silent listener who couldn’t ridicule his words – because he too showed the triggered, vulnerable side – made him feel like explaining his perspective a little.
Maybe because of that, the question in response took him by surprise.
"Is that why you drink wine so often?"
That was not something Kaeya expected out of anything. He explained how much he cared for driving safely, and now he got accused of such a thing?! Kaeya felt his fingers squeezing around the wheel.
"I would not drive after alcohol."
"...I was talking about sleep.”
“Oh.”
“Albedo says alcohol has a relaxing effect which can lead to drowsiness." The grimace on Xiao's face suggested that he could tell something more than just Albedo's talking, but of course he didn't.
Kaeya scratched the back of his head. He was indeed out of balance. Though, he didn’t comment on the wine question. Xiao didn’t insist, as they just reached the place. With a silent thanks, his passenger left. Though, before he closed the door, he bent and reached to the dashboard, placing something on there while looking Kaeya in the eyes.
“If you weren't as attentive on the road as you are, I wouldn't sit in this car more than once in the first place.”
Kaeya didn’t get to know Xiao as well as he knew Albedo, Jean or Diluc, but yet he was sure that what he just heard was: “I didn’t stop to trust you on this matter”.
Xiao rarely seemed to feel intense emotions, but as long as he didn’t bottle up something, he never bothered to hide what he felt. For Kaeya, who analyzed people all the time, such certainty of someone’s intentions was a comforting thing. He learned to appreciate this unique individual.
He looked at the item Xiao placed in the car. A small, paper butterfly, more intricate than the ones Klee once showed to him. Apparently, he didn’t notice the blue paper Xiao was folding while listening to Kaeya’s vent.
But now, what was the meaning behind it?