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when james stepped into his dorm, he expected a few different things. remus lounging on his bed, reading a book or studying; maybe peter would be doing the homework he’s been procrastinating for ages. and sirius, well, he’d be off somewhere — anywhere else.
he hadn’t expected an empty room, save for one. sirius curled up on his bed, curtains only half shut, sobbing . sniffles and sharp gasps in between breaths, noises that made james’ heart twist and shatter.
he stepped in, quietly, closing the door with a soft click that had a still oblivious sirius snapping his head up. it was unusual to see sirius in this state, so utterly broken and lacking any facades. james would be the only person who has seen him break down as many times as he had, and yet it still breaks him in every sense every single time.
his face was blotched in red, eyes wide with tears polished over dark irises. his lip quivered and a dark brunet fringe fell in front of one of his eyes.
despite the fact that they’ve barely spoken since the incident, and despite the fact that they’ve been stiff and awkward and so unlike themselves when they have had to encounter one another, james wastes no time rushing over to him.
the brunet let himself sink into the spot next to sirius, immediately pulling him in, an arm circling his waist while the other hand softly plunged into raven tresses. the boy broke down once again, a harsh sob wracking through him as he buried his face in james’ shoulder. he could feel the hot tears against his neck, soaking his skin and further entangling them — souls and hearts and tears all wrapped up in one another, like they’ve always been, knotted despite the worst.
“ pads ,” james whispered, more to himself, and was surprised by how wholly shattered he sounded, the dread bleeding into his tone.
sirius didn’t budge, fingers tightening around his neck, face nudging impossibly closer to james’ skin, as if he was trying to become one with his flesh — more than they already were.
james clamped his teeth over his lower lip, caging in any sounds that threatened to leak through. the backs of his eyes burned in warning as sirius slumped against him, as if all the fight that had been swirling with passion behind those dark eyes suddenly bled out from him.
his big hand went to the nape of sirius’ neck, holding on and feeling the warm skin beneath his palm — he’s here, he’s safe.
“ jamie ,” sirius roughly whimpered, the word muffled against his neck and vibrating in his ear, yet still managing to sound so sad .
but god, how he missed that. he missed the way his name rolled off sirius’ tongue, how it made his gut twist and his eyes go glossy.
“it’s okay, sirius.”
“it’s not, though,” sirius’ voice quivered, and he dislodged himself from james’ neck, hands sliding down his shoulders and landing on the bespectacled boys forearms. he held on there, as if scared james would deteriorate to mere dust. and james kept his hands on his waist, keeping him close.
james didn’t reply, because he knew sirius was right. he knew it wasn’t okay, he knew it wasn’t his decision to choose whether it was okay or not. that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt to hear, to come to face with.
james leaned in, brushing his lips against crimson stained cheeks, salty tears against his flesh. his chest tightened at the look of pure despair he was met with.
“i love you, y’know?”
sirius’ lip trembled again, and james wanted to kiss it away. he wanted to kiss every tear and glide his finger over every ache. he wanted to hold him in his arms and keep him there until the earth grew wrinkles and the sky became dull. he wanted to let that big feral grin seep into the cracks of his heart and intoxicate him, fuse them together like frayed wires. sirius always had a way of sinking into his veins like poison, and james had a way of always letting him in.
“love you more.” sirius said it quietly - voice strained from crying - like it was a secret between them. one that was too sacred to be exposed beyond their little circle. he said it with a small, sad smile that james wanted to— he wanted to—
leaning in, james’ lips melted into sirius’. his warm muscle passed the seal of full lips, and it felt like copper against his tongue. blood and tears fusing like their souls did, and sending shockwaves through swollen lips. james’ hand came up to tenderly cup his cheek, and when he leaned back from the kiss, lip twisting up as sirius tried chasing his with closed eyes, he let his forehead fall against the others.
james wasn’t sure what time it was, he wasn’t sure when the others would be back, he wasn’t sure what he’d say or do; he was sure of one thing, though. he missed this. he missed his lips and his hands and his sleepy voice every morning. he missed sleeping on the same pillow and giggling like children who were up past their bedtime at night, beyond closed curtains. he missed his sirius, whatever they may be to each other.
and so he said it. “i’ve missed you.”
there was a sound at the back of sirius throat, pushed down and kept behind pristine teeth. a sound of anguish that described exactly what james felt.
“god, you have no idea how much i've missed you,” sirius said in a whisper, looking james in the eyes again before rushing into him like a freight train. his arms flew around james’ neck and james instinctively wound his arms back around sirius’ waist, letting them fall into the mattress together with a soft thud. his hand ran circles under sirius’ t-shirt, occasionally letting his blunt fingernails scrape against his skin just like he knew the boy adored.
james kissed the side of his head, legs wrapped up in one another, sirius’ lips sporadically grazing james’ neck in a delicate kiss — sending shivers down james’ spine, all the times they’ve done this before leaking into his mind. the memories he’s tried so hard to keep locked up, strapped tight in a corner and left to grow dusty and worn.
instead of feeling thoroughly overtaken by dread, though, he felt warm. he felt hope.