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"Did I ever apologize to you?"
It's a trick question; the answer is no, he hasn't, but he can't think of any other way to bring it up, to start the conversation. Still, standing in a very cramped hallway, bloodied and bruised, Kallus is starting to realize this may not be the place for this conversation. He sways on his feet, the drugs in his system causing a pounding headache. He leans back against the wall, stumbling when he realizes it's further back than he remembers, his back aching as he slams into it with far less control than he has intended.
Zeb, bless him, tries to catch Kallus, tries desperately to keep him upright and fails miserably. Still, the look of utter confusion on his face as he helps Kallus sit down proves that he has no idea what Kallus is talking about.
"Apologize? What for?"
"For Lasan. And Lothal, and Garel, and everything else." Kallus goes over the list of crimes he has shackled to him, finds it significantly longer than he remembers, and promptly gives up on trying to be specific. "For being Imperial. For being your enemy".
Zeb is very quiet, and Kallus doesn't dare look him in the eye; the anger and disgust he's certain will be there are too much for him to bear right now.
"Is that it? Cuz it's a pretty piss-poor apology if it is." Zeb gruffs, shifting in front of Kallus.
"No. I'm sorry for what I've done. I know it was wrong," Gods, he's not a child, he can do better than this, "and I'll do my best to repair the damage. I promise I'll work hard, for the Rebellion".
He's crying by now, the tears stinging against the cuts and bruises on his face, the stifled sobs aching in his chest as he struggles to breathe. He can keep it together just a while longer, can't he?
Zeb's hand on his shoulder, much like Kanan's gesture of welcoming earlier, proves to him that he can't.
"Are you ok?" Zeb asks, and he's not, he hasn't been for a long time, but that's not the point. He shakes his head even as he opens his mouth to insist he's fine; all that comes out is a broken and strangled sob.
The next thing he knows, he's being attacked, Zeb leaning forward and squeezing him as he stiffens reflexively, realizing that his luck has run out and karma has finally come for him. He deserves this, he knows that, but he still doesn't want to die. Not like this. Not before he's had the chance to make it right.
"I'm sorry." He chokes out, hoping it'll save him while knowing it won't. "I'm sorry. I can be better. Let me make it right".
Zeb sighs, a deep rumble spreading out through his chest as he draws back, laying his hand on Kallus' shoulder again, a rueful smile playing at his lips.
"I'm sorry if that was a bit much." Zeb chuckles, nervous and small. "You just really seemed like you needed a hug".
" Oh ." Kallus stutters, panic pounding in tune with his heartbeat as he realizes that Zeb isn't angry with him, hasn't been this whole time, has been offering comfort to him. Briefly, he tries to remember the last time he was hugged, and comes to the conclusion that it would have been before the war ended, so… nearly 18 years at this point.
"You good?" Zeb asks again, and this time Kallus starts laughing, this manic noise bursting out of him and ringing in his ears as he doubles over, the adrenaline dropping out of his system and leaving him in free fall as he starts to hyperventilate, his lungs begging for air as he gasps recklessly, finally getting ahold of his breathing and looking over to Zeb, who seems unsure of how he should handle this situation.
"I'm sorry." Kallus gasps out, tears brimming in his eyes again. "I don't know what's wrong with me".
"You're going into shock." Captain Syndulla's cool voice floats around him, grounding him as he looks up at her from his place on the floor. "It's common with defectors. Come with me, we'll get you cleaned up".
Kallus nods, struggling to his feet, but no sooner has he reached his full height that his vision blacks out and he crumples to the ground, unconscious before his body even hits the floor.
He wakes to soft beeping and an even softer blanket, to warmth and softness and hope in the form of the burly Lasat passed out in the chair next to him, holding his hand. He nearly starts crying when Zeb awakens with a start and attempts to pull his hand away, an effort that is met with a resounding "no" in the form of Kallus grabbing his hand tighter and pulling it towards him. Rather than be upset at this childish display of weakness, Zeb laughs, using his other hand to ruffle Kallus' hair, another gesture of affection he's very much unused to.
"Still not gonna let me go, huh?" Zeb murmurs, drawing closer. Kallus startles, letting go of Zeb's hand all at once in a bout of panic; he absolutely cannot allow himself to be a nuisance to the Spectres anymore.
"I'm sorry." He whispers, resisting the urge to burrow under the very soft blanket and hide forever.
"I forgive you." Zeb replies, and Kallus is so shocked that it must show, because Zeb starts laughing. "On two conditions, that is".
Because of course everything comes with a price. Kallus nods, awaiting the terms with which his guilt might be eased even slightly.
"Name them." He prompts.
"First," Zeb holds up a clawed finger, pointing it directly at Kallus. "You tell me your first name".
Kallus balks, unsure of how to handle that information. Still, he nods, agreeing in part to the conditions. Zeb is silent but watching, and Kallus realizes that he's waiting on an answer.
"Alexsandr." He mutters, so quietly that he's not sure even Zeb could hear him.
"Ok I didn't catch that but I'm going to assume you said it." Zeb sighs, shaking his head. “This is where the second thing come in. Sabine told me this, and it seems to hold true for most defectors, but you folks divorce yourselves from your first name when you join up. You know what it’s like being Kallus, so do you want to keep doing that?”
Kallus has to think on that; he does know himself as Kallus, hasn’t thought of himself as Alexsandr in so long that it’s hardly worth mentioning, but the thought of being something different, something new… it’s terrifying and exhilarating, all at once.
“I know it’s probably been a while.” Zeb continues, not waiting for Kallus’ answer. “I know you’re probably scared. But Kallus the Imperial isn’t the person you want to be going forward, correct? Are you ready to leave that behind?”
And now he understands the point of this exercise; Zeb is trying to determine if he’s fit for Rebel life, if he’s going to crumble apart under the new stressors or if he’ll survive or even thrive in the new conditions. He’s trying to determine if Kallus can survive- no, if Alexsandr can survive the change- or if Kallus needs to be redirected to some safehouse on the other side of the galaxy. It’s a test of his faith and resolve, and he’s not sure what the right answer is, or if there even is one. Again, he looks to Zeb, searching for an answer and coming up with two choices; Kallus doesn’t get hugs, and Alexsandr hasn’t had the privilege since he was 17. So who does he want to be?
“I probably won’t respond to my given name for a while. Not until I’ve gotten used to it again.” He offers up, catching Zeb’s attention. “But… I think I’d like to try something new. Something different, something better”.
And Zeb relaxes, breaking out an easy smile, and Alex- Gods, he really has chosen to be Alex, hasn’t he- realizes he passed some test of character he hadn’t noticed being held. He reaches out again, seeking warmth and comfort, but draws back, unsure if he’s allowed to ask for such things. Either way, Zeb got what he was looking for, and he can leave Alex to his own devices whenever he chooses to do so, though Alex gets the distinct feeling he won’t be abandoned like he was in the Empire.
“I forgive you, you know.” Zeb declares suddenly, confirming what Alex already deduced. “I never really gave you a proper answer to your apology, did I?”
“You have now.” Alex replies, his voice quiet and small. “Thank you”.
“Ah, ‘course! You’re gonna make a great Rebel, Kal.” Zeb grins at Alex, teeth glistening as he settles down for a short nap before they land and he has to debrief. “Welcome aboard”.
Rest has never come so quickly for Alex, and while he may not be free of his sins yet, he’s gotten started on repairing the damage he’s caused, and maybe, just maybe, that’s good enough for right now.