Work Text:
Subaki sat in his tent, alone, staring at the walls. That was the problem though; he was alone. It’s not that he really wanted the company of anyone right then, but he wanted to be with someone. It seemed as though all his allies were able to get with someone and fall in love. They all had another, if not more than one. It didn’t seem fair. It’s not like he didn’t have friends, or countless people fawning over him every day, but he didn’t feel those feelings that the people expressed for him did. For ages, Subaki had just assumed that it was because he hadn’t found the right person yet. For someone like himself, there had to be another just as great out there somewhere, right? There had to be. He was perfect after all, all he had to do was wait for the perfect person.
Except the perfect person would never come. And Subaki knew that. He’s known for way too long now that no matter what, no matter the person, that feeling of romantic attraction would never come to be. It wasn’t fair, none of it was fair. Why him? Why did the gods have to bestow this flaw of something everyone experiences. It seemed like something so simple, too. He’s never come across another person in his life who hadn’t fallen in love or at least had something as small as a crush on another. At this point, he truly didn’t care who it was, he just wanted that feeling for another.
At one point, he had asked Hana what it felt like, because maybe he’s had those feelings in the past, but just didn’t know it.
She said she almost didn’t know how to describe it.
“If I’m crushing on someone, just being around them makes me feel sick to my stomach. But not in a bad way! Like in a way where I just want to stay being around them and hearing them talk makes me feel all giddy and excited.” She was smiling really wide, clearly someone on her mind, but was quick to snap out of it when she remembered who she was talking to. “Why are you asking?” There was a tone of genuine questioning in her voice. Subaki just sighed and waved her off though.
“No reason in particular, I was simply just curious as to how it was for you.” He began walking away but Hana wasn’t done with him quite yet.
“Oh come on, don’t tell me you’ve never had a crush before. I’m, like, I don’t know how much younger than you actually, but even I have. Or are you just too perfect for anyone else?” She was clearly teasing him with the last part of her statement but it still made the latter immediately turn around at her words.
“No, it’s not like that! I’m not like that!” He let out an annoyed huff, turning away from her once again. “It's none of your concern, Hana. It was simply just a question.” And that time he was able to walk away without his fellow retainer stopping him. She felt a little bad, but also didn’t understand what his intentions were when he asked her in the first place, especially if he was just going to storm off like that after she’d barely poked at him at all.
Subaki was able to quickly make it back to his tent without further interruption of his thoughts. He’d never felt anything even close to what Hana had described. Sure, there were people he enjoyed being around and spending time with, hell, there were people he looked forward to seeing. There were many people he cared deeply about, just as an example he’d sacrifice his life for Sakura. But there was no one that he felt like that towards. And it seemed like that was going to pain him for eternity. He’d grow old, live and die alone. At some point even if they didn’t now, all of his companions would find at least someone to love and care for. And then he’d be there, wishing he could have that too. But it’s not like he could ever show these feelings. No, that’d ruin his image. People would surely think of him as weird and different for this imperfection of his. He couldn’t let that happen. Never in a million years.
Subaki’s eyes started to well up with tears. He didn’t want to be alone. He wanted someone to call his own, he wanted someone to love and care for him. He wanted the feeling of happiness coming home at night to spend time with his significant other. To have someone who could be there to give him reassurance when he needed it. To maybe receive the loving and caring attention he lacked growing up. While his friends were there, they couldn’t possibly provide even the half of what he longed for. Even wishing for that was selfish. Wishing for any of this was selfish and he knew all too well of that. It was beyond selfish to want these things when he knew he couldn’t provide anything in return as much as he desperately wanted to. He barely understood how his friends kept up with him let alone a significant other. It was all a selfish and unachievable want that at some point sooner or later he’d have to accept. But that time was not now and was probably nowhere in the near future, either. For now all he could accept is that he was sad. Really sad. It felt like he was mourning someone who never existed in the first place. Tears were finally falling from his eyes and staining the insides of his gloves. He didn’t like crying, or showing much of any sorrowful emotion. But right now there was no one who could judge him, or hold this against him at a later point. He could just cry. Cry until he couldn’t breathe. The lack of one emotion turned into another. A much more negative and hurtful one. A cruel one that ate him up day after day. Maybe one day it wouldn’t hurt him anymore. A day when he didn’t think of it as a flaw and learned to embrace it. Again, that day was not today. Nor was it tomorrow. So he just fell back on his bed and continued to cry.
In his tent completely shut out from everyone else.
Alone.