Chapter Text
Feyre POV
The sun was beating down from a bright azure sky, bathing the training ring in a halo of light. An exotic summer had arrived in Velaris - we hadn’t been training long before Cass had stripped off his leathers dumping them in an unceremonious pile on the floor; revealing a tanned six pack that was now glistening in sweat. Strands of his dark hair escaping the knot he had tied it in matting itself to his slick skin. If I could have formed a coherent thought I would have made some quip about him loving himself or about how unfit he was sweating like that in training with a weakling like me - as it was I was doing my best to just grit my teeth and survive.
In contrast to Cass I was shivering so hard that my hands were physically vibrating, making engaging in sword play rather complicated. I had already experienced a couple of hairy moments where I had wondered if my terrible secret was about to be revealed to my adopted brother…Whilst doing sit ups I had completely lost my hearing, dread had coiled in the pit of my stomach before it had drifted back in, revealing an irrate Cassian who obviously thought I had been ignoring him. During the dreaded lunges my vision had tunnelled black leaving me blinking furiously in an attempt to right it before I keeled over. Thankfully it worked and this time the Illyrian warrior in charge of me appeared not to notice.
However, the latest symptom was proving rather hard to ignore. I felt like I could not breathe! It was as if someone was tightening a belt around my chest…No doubt his bat boy hearing meant he could hear my erratic heart beat; I prayed that his pride attributed it to how hard he was working me in the training session. I prayed to any Goddess that was listening that much like the other symptoms it would disappear as quickly as it had come. But my prayers went unanswered as at that moment Az wandered onto the roof. Azriel the only person I had not missed because he was far too observant.
“Cass stop”
The instruction was swift and clear. Every inch the General Cass immediately followed the order, a questioning look screwing up his golden face as he turned to his brother. But Az wasn’t looking at Cassian he was looking dead at me, shadows coiling uneasily around his ankles. My fingers had started to tingle, my sword slipping out of my hand with a clatter, the jarring sound ensuring that Cass’ eyes swivelled back towards me. Under the scrutiny of two pairs of sharp eyes it was all I could do to remain standing. Breathing was not becoming any easier, it had started to feel like I was slowly choking.
“Fey are you okay?”
The question was asked with such gentleness from the spymaster who the outside world associated with cruelty. It shouldn’t have taken me by surprise but for some reason the kindness with which it was asked floored me.
Literally floored me…The inevitable happened as black washed over my vision and my body forced me to give up the fight.
When consciousness slowly started to return, I was aware I was laying on a surface much softer than the floor of the training ring. My eye lids felt leaden and sound was distorted as I was hearing from underwater. But my hearing did not need to be 100% to hear the rip roaring argument that was going on somewhere close by.
“You idiot!! When will you learn? Training someone till they physically pass out is not the answer. Rhys is going to kill you!”
Az was bellowing presumably at Cass. I couldn’t recall ever hearing Az shout, it was strange.
“As if I would ever hurt my high lady on purpose!! It was the same training routine she has done for months Azriel!”
Poor Cass defended himself. He was shouting but it sounded more like the desperate sort of shouting someone does right before they cry. The idea of Cass crying was absolutely alien. I had seen him mortally wounded and all he had done was swear vehemently. To inspire such extreme emotions in my brothers made me feel an overwhelming surge of guilt, if I had been fully conscious it would have been powerful enough to turn my stomach.
“Shut up the both of you! Madja is trying to work and Feyre does not want to come round to you two fools screaming like banshees”
Mor’s familiar voice snapped like a whip putting an immediate end to the bickering before the two of them started a punch up. Silence followed before Mor asked the loaded question.
“Has anyone told Rhys?”
If I had been in full control of my bodily functions I would have begged them not to tell my mate. I would have got down on my knees and grovelled. I would have invoked bargain magic. Anything other than adding to his burdens.
“We were kind of hoping you would…” Cass mumbled like a chastised school boy.
“Of course you were” Mor replied sarcasm soaking into every syllable.
After that I wasn’t sure if they were silent or if my consciousness drifted again. But when I became aware again a short while later the brain fog had finally lifted. I cracked my eyes open, only to find a very concerned looking Madja sat at my bedside.
“They think I’m working” she gestured towards the door. “But you know fine well why this happened, don’t you?” The question was asked without judgement.
Yet I felt shame well up inside of me, tears prickled my eyes under her kind yet assessing gaze. Yes, I knew exactly why. But despite the overwhelming guilt I felt for making my family worry I still did not want my secret revealed.
“Please, don’t tell them” I begged as anxiety clawed at my chest.
I had spent weeks now pushing down the toxic swirl of emotions in my mind. I had spent the last month lying to the people who loved me, not attending social events, sobbing without warning, hiding in bathrooms to have crippling panic attacks, sitting on the floor with my head dipped between my knees to avoid passing out and avoiding people who may be observant enough to know that I was not ok. Making sure that what I was doing remained a secret had become my entire world! I could not have Madja reveal it, I could not cope with being laid bare for everyone to see.
But a small part of me knew that pleading was pointless. Madja had served Rhysand’s family for centuries, she was always going to be loyal to him. She shook her head sadly, standing up to go. As she pushed the door handle down the tears that had pricked at my eyes overflowed and ran freely down my cheeks. I had cried so frequently in the last month that I am sure my tears had carved a mark. A predetermined cavern that they now flowed through before dripping of my chin.
Panic roiled in my gut, I squeezed my hands into fists, the sting of my nails cutting into my palms was grounding. I had done this so often recently that my palms were often sticky with blood, my high fae body knitting the wounds back together as quickly as I formed them. Over the roar of panic that assailed my senses I felt Rhys tug insistently on the mating bond. Much to my shame I steadfastly ignored him - right now I did not have the strength to pretend that I was fine. I continued to take the cowards way out, as a wave of star flecked night brushed up against the fortress that encased my mind. I refused to open the blast walls even for a second to let him in…
Suddenly I became aware that there was a limit to how insistent Rhys could be, at least until he arrived home. However there was no limit to how insistent my family could be. They were standing outside that door; any second now one of them was going to burst in. Either to demand answers or look at me like I was some broken object that they needed to fix. I used to be courageous but dealing with the demons that hollered in my mind had sapped all the strength I once possessed. I was feeble, I was pathetic, I took the only exit that was available to me.
I winnowed myself out of there.