Work Text:
The story came to be because of the video clip mentioned above and can be watched here
Sebastian turned off the computer and sat quietly watching the dark screen for a while. Seeing Chris and Jeremy together like that, arms around each other, smiling and laughing on the way into another AOU press conference made feelings stir deep in Sebastians gut.
He missed them, missed them both so much, and being home alone, not able to join them on the press tour basically sucked, but they couldn’t risk being found out and Chris and Jeremy deserved some time alone together.
Having a relationship going with two other guys wasn’t always the easiest thing in the world to make work, seeing how the controversial arrangement would probably shock the world if they ever went public about it, so they made due in secret, even if it sucked that it was rare that they could all be together at the same time.
Today it sucked a little more than usual, and Sebastian drew in a deep breath before he got up and went to the kitchen to make himself some tea. It was still strange to be home alone in the apartment he shared with Chris, even if he really should be used to it by now. But living with Chris had changed so much for him and although they were used to being away from each other while out filming and doing promotional tours, it never got easy to be alone for an extended period of time.
Meeting and getting to know Chris had meant the world for Sebastian, and it had slowly meant a huge change in Sebastian’s often low self confidence. It wasn’t always easy to believe that he was as amazing as Chris insisted he was, but he was getting better at it, and Chris’ constant encouragement had made him better at handling himself even when he was on his own. When Jeremy had been added to their life in a much more than platonic way, things had become even better, and Sebastian was finally starting to believe in himself. Chris’ and Jeremy’s love and encouragements were never ending and it had changed Sebastian’s world, and he was no longer trying too hard to please other people just because he felt he had to in order to be acknowledged.
But sometimes the poison was still there, seeping through the cracks from the creases in Sebastian’s past to make things difficult, and tonight was not one of Sebastian’s best nights. Seeing Chris together with Jeremy was wonderful and he knew how much it meant for them both to be able to spend this time on the AOU press tour with each other, so it really shouldn’t make him upset to see a stupid video posted on Robert's facebook page of them walking into the studio with their arms wrapped around each other, smiling and laughing and looking so happy to be together. It shouldn’t.
He hated himself for feeling that nagging doubt in the back of his head, digging and gnawing at the fragile confidence that Sebastian still sometimes struggled to maintain. It was rare these days, but once it showed its ugly face it was hard to fight back when he was alone with nobody to help him regain control. Deep down he knew it was ridiculous, that he had absolutely no reason to worry, but it was still there. He knew that Jeremy had loved Chris for a very long time, years even, and that they had had a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement going for a long time before Sebastian came into the picture. Jeremy was everything Sebastian was not; incredibly talented, hardworking, articulate and ridiculously handsome, and when it came down to it, Sebastian wasn’t entirely sure why Jeremy and Chris hadn’t shacked up for real ages ago.
Thinking about it hurt, and the poison overflowed easily now that he had headed into that headspace, and it was quickly draining all the initial joy and happiness the video had first evoked. He thought about Chris and Jeremy sharing a hotel room on the tour, and how much time they had together to figure out that they really didn’t need Sebastian to be in the way of their happiness. If Sebastian wasn’t there, they could go public about their relationship and move in together and build the life with each other that they both deserved.
Sebastian knew he had to stop this before it spiralled out of control. He had learned that at least and gained the ability to recognize the signs in time to react before he crashed and burned. He also knew that there was only one thing that would work, so he grabbed his phone and headed into the living room, propping himself up on the couch and dialled Chris’ number. Chris would understand and he would know what to do.
It took a couple of rings before Chris picked up, but as soon as his voice sounded in his ear, Sebastian felt a tremor of emotion running through him.
“Seb? Hey, sweetheart, I missed you.” Chris’ voice was light, happy and relaxed and Sebastian smiled softly knowing that Chris’ anxiety issues didn’t bother him at the moment. “How are you doing, baby? Jeremy is out getting dinner for us but he’ll be back soon.”
“Hey.” Sebastian swallowed, clutching the phone a little too hard. “I’m alright. Just miss you. How’s the tour going?”
Chris paused for a moment, and Sebastian knew that he had blown it. “Seb, what’s wrong? Baby, are you upset?”
“No… Îmi pare rău.” Sebastian’s voice betrayed him, and he cursed inwardly when the Romanian words jumbled his thoughts up and made speaking difficult. He was getting good at the English language, able to separate his mother tongue from his usual vocabulary, but it still snuck in when he got emotional, good and bad.
“Sebastian, talk to me baby, why are you sorry? What’s wrong?” Chris sounded worried now, and it made Sebastian hate himself even more for ruining Chris’ good mood.
“It’s nothing baby, nothing at all” he tried, fighting the urge to cry. “I just… I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“Baby, it’s not nothing”, Chris instantly insisted, and for a moment Sebastian considered hanging up before he could make things even worse. “You listen to me now, you hear?” Sebastian could hear Chris move around. “Where are you? Are you home?”
Sebastian nodded before realizing that Chris couldn’t see him. “Yes, I’m home. Just made tea.” He drew in a breath. “I just needed to hear your voice for a bit. Are you and Jeremy having a good time?” He thought he did a good job at sounding normal, but apparently Chris didn’t share that opinion.
“Not as good as it would be if you were here with us” he said without hesitation and it made the lump in Sebastian’s throat come loose. “Sebs, I’m not sure where your head went, but I know you and I think I can guess. Are you by your computer?”
“No, not… not right now” Sebastian replied, heart beating a little faster in his chest. “I just… I’m sorry Chris, I just got... worried. I don’t even know why. Please don’t be mad. I’m so stupid.”
“Sebastian, you may be many things, but stupid is definitely not one of them”, Chris said, voice strong as ever, reassuring and comforting. “Now please go and turn on your computer for me, okay? And then turn on Skype.”
Sebastian nodded again, once again forgetting that Chris couldn’t see him yet. “Okay.” He was grateful that Chris didn’t sound annoyed or angry, and he went over to the desk where his laptop was waiting. “I miss you. Both of you, so much” he confessed as the computer screen came to life.
“Jeremy and I were talking about you just before he went out”, Chris replied softly. “About how this tour is great and all, but that it’s not perfect. Not without you here, baby. We both miss you. Jeremy says you’re the best pillow in the world to fall asleep cuddled up with, and I tend to agree with him.”
Sebastian felt warmth start to seep through the cold in his body and he breathed a little easier. “Yeah? He said that?” He hated being so weak, hated needing the confirmation. He was a grown up man for crying out loud, and yet sometimes he still acted like a stupid little boy! “I wish I could be there with you. I miss you both so much.”
“I love you, Sebs. I love you so much it hurts and I know Jeremy does too. None of this would be worth anything without you, you need to know that. You made this possible, this wonderful thing we have going, and if you weren’t there it wouldn’t be worth anything. Without you we would still be fumbling around like idiots, too afraid to do something about anything. You made this happen, you brought us all together. You make me happier than I ever thought I could be.”
Sebastian breathed softly, swallowing a couple of times to get control back. “I… Thanks. I needed to hear that. I know it’s stupid, but sometimes I… forget.”
“You are so much more than you think, baby” Chris said firmly, as if making sure Sebastian would believe it. “If you weren’t mine, ours, the world would just turn grey and colorless. Knowing you’re there, at home, waiting for me is what’s making all of this bearable. You know I hate doing press, right?”
“Yeah”, Sebastian replied. “I know.”
“Well, I have your picture in my wallet. And on my phone. It’s always the last thing I look at before going out there, and it gets me through it.”
“Now you’re just making stuff up”, Sebastian protested, but he was smiling all the same. He felt warm again.
“Shut up, I’m trying to be romantic. And besides it’s true” Chris insisted. “Ask Jeremy, he knows. He’s calling me a sap and then he’s usually stealing the pic from my wallet and sticking it in his pocket before going on stage. You’re stuck with a couple of romantic saps.”
Sebastian wasn’t sure if he believed that completely, but it didn’t really matter. The poison in his mind was gone and replaced with a sweet longing that felt good and right. “I love you. I don’t think I tell you enough. I love everything about you. Both of you. Va iubesc atât de mult pe amândoi”
“Good. now you know how we feel” Chris said, the smile audibly back in his voice. “Jeremy’s back. Now go and turn on Skype so we can see your pretty face and show you just how missed you are...”