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Here I am, on my way to the garden of Gethsemane, not truly knowing where I stand.
I tried to be good for Her, I tried to cleanse myself of sin so that She may find me clean, find me holy.
But it’s not enough, and it never will be. I have prayed countless nights for my creator to fix me, to make me right so that I may feel Her salvation.
But no.
Never an answer. Not even a whisper. Even a no would’ve been suitable, because at least that meant She was listening.
But this? I could barely bring myself to think of it. Just turn Her in. I had told myself, but She makes it so hard. Her kindness is unmatched, She’s perfect in every way- Oh how, my Creator, how could I hate Her? How could I bring myself to betray Her?
But for Theo I must. I must betray Her so that we both may see safety, so that he may find safety in this world, this horrible wretched world.
But She is the Light, Salvation is found in no one else, but She who makes things holy- could not save one of the likes of me.
And as I walk into the garden of Gethsemane, I can only feel myself tremble, my lip quiver and my eyes glaze with tears. I take a look, glancing around the garden, and spot Her surrounded by some other disciples, praying in this garden.
Dressed in silk, light radiating off Her, how could I not think of Her as holy? Was she not God on Earth?
How could I do this, this horrible, horrible thing I do not know- I cannot fight these soldiers and I cannot save my brother if I do not.
Having remembered our dinner last night, and more specifically Her voice speaking the words of a prophecy of Her betrayal. Does She know? She must- She whom that knows all and She that sees all- She must know of my thoughts.
But why does She leave me to suffer with them?
And She has seen me- She, the Saviour herself, has found grace in me- does She not know of my love? Does She not care of my undying affection, one that we oh so carefully hid from God? Does She think of Her loving disciple doing such a horrid thing?
But She must. She sees and knows all. She knows of my betrayal and She knows of my thoughts- She must know of my agony.
And as She walks over to me, I must point out this one, this is the Saviour to the soldiers. Yet I cannot bring myself to raise a hand, not even a finger.
How could I do this to Her?
Tears nearly falling down my face, I lift my head to see Her standing in front of me.
“Annabel-” I choked, in a whisper, “I’m so sorry- I can’t do this.”
“But you must, pet.” She said, lifting one of Her hands to my face to wipe away tears that had not yet fallen.
“I can’t- I love you too much I could never- why do you think of me being able to do such a thing?”
“It’s what was a foretold pet, I must go if humanity is to find salvation. If you love me, you must let me go.”
“My rose- I could never- I could never!”
“But you must, pet, it is the only way.”
And before I could respond, She pulled my face to Hers, pressing my lips to Her own.
Tears streaming down my face, was this to be our last? Was this to be the final time I felt Her touch?
And I kissed her back, at least I could give her this, at least I could give her something nice to think of before She dies-
I find salvation in her lips, I find deliverance in her kiss- what a wonderful thing that was never meant to last!
And I would have never been able to pull away- and there was a sad gratefulness in my heart that She was the one who did.
“Goodbye, Lenore.” She whispered into my ear, allowing me to hear her words of love one last time-
And as the soldiers arrest her, and my tears pour out of my eyes, she looks at me and smiles- her lovely face ever so slightly flushed- she herself, the Saviour of Mankind, finding salvation in myself, and for once I may feel redeemed- and I thank her, for She is what I deem righteous, She is what I deem merciful, and She is what I deem holy.