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Akihiko loved a good fight.
He loved a match in the ring, the rules, the attention paid to form and steps. He loved how for a moment he could become something else, something mechanical, a machine of flesh and blood that obeyed precise programming. The place were his thoughts were so quiet, at last silent.
He loved a brawl too. It had its own appeal. There were vanishingly few times where Akihiko felt like he was well-equipped against other people. So often, he misread the room, misread the tone, misread his line in the social script. The kindest people only smiled fondly when he did that. Most people got this pinched, confused expression on their faces, the red flag letting him know he'd screwed something up.
The worst people squared up to him with a harsh laugh, and Akihiko understood a simple truth: words had stopped mattering, and the match bell had just rung.
He always won those fights.
There were even times when in the privacy of his own mind, he loved the fights in Tartarus. He took to them like Mitsuru took to her final exams. There was something to prove, putting all of his theory to blunt force practice.
And most nights, he even loved the kind of fights he found in Tartarus. There were no referees, no bells, no ropes. They were dirty fights, more scraps than even the worst brawl he'd ever been in. He'd heard the term curb stomp long ago, but had never actually been in a situation that warranted the appellation until ascending the tower.
No matter how skilled he was, how much training he put himself through, there was always a limiter. He'd never actually unleash his full effort and talent on another human being. There was not even a hypothetical situation he could dream up that could justify it.
Tartarus, though. It was fast, the draw of a hammer and the slam against the primer. His soul apparently was fueled by lightning, and every time they climbed the stairs, Akihiko could feel it like he was charged, waiting for the right thing to crash into, the rattle and the hum filling his head.
So maybe that said some terrible things about him. But most of the time, it worked. When Fuuka asked who'd be on the excursion team this evening, Kotone always tapped the back of her hand against his shoulder first.
He liked it. He loved a good fight.
But the thing about a dirty fight was how bad things could go, and how quickly you could end up on the mat.
It was a brisk autumn night when they came across a guardian blocking their path further.
Fuuka said to be careful.
It all just spun out. These things happened fast.
Junpei's gasp was quick as he fell onto his back. He was a tough guy who tended to pick himself up better than most, but this time he didn't. This time he took the brunt of the shadow's hit and when he laid down, he stayed down.
"Oh my god," Yukari whined. "Junpei!" She reached for her gun, even as the shadow turned its face to her next.
"No, don't!" Kotone stormed up behind the creature and slashed at its back. The distraction was enough for it to turn, grabbing her naginata and flinging it and her to the ground.
By some blessing or another, she didn't lay still, and a relieved breath punched out of Akihiko's chest as she got an elbow under her and looked around.
"Cover me, I have to get Junpei," Yukari told Akihiko, scuttling back, away from the fight.
"The shadow has activated another shield," Fuuka buzzed in their ears. "Be careful!"
"Yukari! Stop!" Kotone yelled. "Hit it with your bow!"
"Junpei is on the ground—" Yukari's retort was cut off when the shadow flung out an electric bolt at her. Cursing, Akihiko hurled himself into the path, both arms up, like he was deflecting a high swing instead of fucking magic.
"HIT IT WITH YOUR BOW, SET IT UP!" Kotone screamed as she pushed herself to standing. It was slow movement; she was badly hurt.
"Yukari!" Akihiko shouted. When Yukari's shoulders rose, hesitation writ into every line of her body, well. He had to force the issue. Pivoting on his heel, Akihiko raised his fists and advanced on the guardian.
"Shit. Okay!"
An instant later, an arrow soared past Akihiko's head, impacting the shield. It shattered with a musical tone.
Akihiko brought as much violence as he could down on the shadow, and hit until his fist stopped impacting solid form and instead soared through the black mist.
As he landed on his knees, he caught himself on his hands. Looking up, he immediately caught Kotone's eyes.
She didn't blink. Usually eye contact made something shivering and uncertain crawl up the back of Akihiko's neck, the worry of what'd I do now. This time, the danger surrounded them, just outside the firm hold of her bright gaze.
Without looking away, she lifted her evoker and fired. From the constantly spinning roulette that she apparently kept in her skull, yet another strange entity spilled out, and warm yellow light washed over him.
The balm was a little too much, honestly, more than he needed to right himself.
Snapping to attention, he returned the favor immediately. Only then did her eyes close in relief as the spell mended the cuts on her skin, firmed the bruises and melted away the pain.
Reality reasserted itself. Akihiko stood and watched Kotone and Yukari rush to Junpei's side. Following slowly behind, he clenched his hands around the grip of his katars, waiting.
This was not a part of his repertoire.
"You can do this," Kotone said.
"I haven't done this one before," Yukari whispered. She held her evoker, but didn't lift it, staring down at Junpei's still body.
Bile rose in Akihiko's throat. He swallowed it back.
"What if we waited too long," Yukari went on.
"Well, waiting longer won't make the odds better," Kotone said, and her hand touched Yukari's hand, as if she were going to lift the evoker herself.
Thankfully, Yukari nodded and pressed it to her head by herself. "Io, please," she said, then spoke it like a prayer: "Recarm."
Junpei gasped, one hand slapping against his own chest, feeling it move. "Holy shit," he rasped. "Did anyone see the number on the train that hit me?"
Silently, Yukari bent, resting her head against his chest. The effect on Junpei was immediate; he looked down at her soft hair, then up at Kotone. "What'd I miss?"
Standing, Kotone held out her hand. "C'mon. We're done for tonight. Back to the teleporter. Fuuka, we're incoming."
"I will be very happy to see you," Fuuka promised earnestly.
No one said anything as they returned to the grand hall of Tartarus.
After so long in the endless halls, following paths lit by flickering light, the marble and gold of the entrance hall was almost blinding.
Hooking his katars onto his belt hooks, Akihiko rubbed his eyes. Around him was commotion and the sound of two more evokers going off. "Hey, I'm fine!" Junpei protested. "I don't need more juice! Heh, that tingles!"
It was a really useful skill, the ability to defuse tension with humor. For every time Junpei was kind of an asshole, there were moments like these, where they needed him.
Fuuka looked up at Akihiko. "That was a terrible fight. I'm sorry."
He almost told her it wasn't her fault, then just caught himself. It was sympathy, not apology. He nodded. "They can't all be good." Blinking as his eyes adjusted, he looked around.
Frowning, he tried to spot Kotone.
"I think she's stepping outside, senpai," Fuuka murmured.
"Why would she do that?"
And there it was. The indulgent look. Okay, he was missing something. Still. He turned to the grand doors.
Kotone had her hands around the ornate metal handle of one of the doors, was easing it open. He didn't do or say anything, but it still happened; she turned and looked back.
Like in the midst of the fight, they locked together for a moment. Then, her eyes slipped past him, to Junpei.
With a small shake of her head, she slipped out the door, keeping a hold of the handle so it'd close quietly behind her.
Akihiko didn't like that at all. But Mitsuru announced they were all leaving, and there was no subtle way to chase Kotone down and ask for clarification.
With a grimace, Akihiko waited for everyone else to make their way out of Tartarus. Fingers curling around his weapons, he followed three steps behind, keeping a watchman's eye, waiting for the lights to come back on.
He did try to find her again before turning in, but it was difficult. He wasn't enough of a brute to interrupt her talking quietly to Junpei by the back door, so Akihiko awkwardly hovered around the check in desk for a while before going to refill his water bottle.
As he stood at the sink, listening to the water rushing in, he spaced out for a moment, and jumped when it overfilled. Shaking out his damp hand, he wandered back into the lounge only to find that the lights were dimmed. He could feel the movement over his head, people on the stairs and down the halls.
Junpei lingered at the stairwell. He seemed perfectly fine. Alive. As Akihiko approached, he looked up.
"So, I died, huh?" he asked with a wry little smirk. "How 'bout that."
"How about that," Akihiko echoed. "What was it like?"
Brow furrowing, Junpei seemed to really think about it. "Dunno. Like… sleeping. It was like sleeping."
"You get enough of that in class," Akihiko said. "Don't need it when we're trying to get work done in the Hour."
"Senpai. Was that a joke?" He grinned. "Thanks. Hey, if you go out for another run at the asscrack of dawn, try not to wake me this time, okay?" With a flippant little salute, Junpei headed up the stairs.
Akihiko let him go. Someone had to double-check the locks. Making the rounds to ensure the dorm was sealed up for the night tended to be his routine.
When he was certain everything was as it should be, Akihiko headed upstairs.
Without really intending too, he walked past the second floor landing. As soon as his foot landed on an extra step, he started putting words in order. Hi, sorry. Were you asleep? Sorry, my bad. I won't take up much of your time, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because when you looked back at me I thought you were crying. Were you crying?
Was it impolite to ask if someone had been crying? Also, follow up question: was it still impolite amidst a group of people who regularly looked upon some metaphysical manifestation of each other's souls? That seemed relevant to the equation.
He walked slowly, giving himself a little more time to mentally rehearse. It was all for naught; when he reached the last door on the third floor, it was gently ajar, and the light was out.
Akihiko peered in, careful to not so much as nudge the door. No one was inside.
Pressing his lips together in annoyance, Akihiko shut his eyes, feeling.
Fourth floor. There were people up there. A post-Tartarus debriefing between the girls.
Well. Alright.
Giving up, Akihiko went back downstairs to his room.
The problem was Akihiko was really bad at giving up.
It was probably a full hour later when he got out of bed and scrubbed his palms over his eyes. Every time he tried to sleep, he had this vivid memory of Kotone's eyes, the bleeding unhappiness that she just beamed right into his skull.
Did she mean to do that? Was he supposed to see it? Was he supposed to react?
This was the exact reason Akihiko loved a good fight. Because this, figuring out what was expected of him outside of one, that's what was so goddamn difficult.
He shoved his feet into a pair of slippers and pulled on enough clothes to be decent. With a thought to Junpei, he left his room as quietly as possible and headed upstairs.
Now, he was being impolite. But also, he thought, wasn't Kotone being impolite? Hitting him with a sucker punch of concern and leaving him with the feeling? Maybe it would even out.
But Kotone's room was empty.
Why was this one girl so hard to get two minutes with? Honestly.
The second place Akihiko checked was the command room. It was dim and quiet.
Next, he checked the roof, because it seemed like the sort of place someone would go to be alone. The view was even pretty nice. Or, it had been before the moon itself had turned into a constant reminder of their dwindling time between missions.
No luck. Now, Akihiko worried that he'd really screwed up and locked her out of the dorm. With some haste, he headed downstairs, wondering if he'd have to go wandering through the streets, because he sure as hell wasn't going to sleep before finding where she went.
But the mystery finally solved itself. Akihiko heard running water. It wasn't a sink this time, but a shower.
He checked his watch. It was by all accounts way too late to have a damn shower. No one had a shower three-thirty in the morning on a whim.
Another point of fact: Akihiko was even worse about tactfulness at three-thirty in the morning.
Stepping into the shared bathroom, Akihiko followed the noise to one of the two shower rooms. And this was the part where his brain should have hit the brakes on his inertia and turned him around, sending him right back to bed.
Anyway. He tapped his knuckles on the door. "Kotone?"
There was nothing except the sound of the water for a moment. Which, oh, he hated. A curl of actual ice-cold fear gripped him, digging its claws into the gaps between his ribs.
Pushing the door open a few inches and keeping his head bowed, he called again: "Kotone, if you are there, please say something because this situation is starting to worry me."
"Present," Kotone called.
Resting his head on the doorframe, he sighed. "Okay. Good. That's good."
"Senpai, what are you doing up? It's, like… really late."
"I wanted to talk to you. I mean, I wanted to talk to you after Tartarus, and I kept missing you." He swallowed, and let his eyes open just a bit, assuming there would be a helpful cloak of steam.
There… wasn't. He straightened and looked around. "Are you having a cold shower?"
There was a beat of silence. Then, the squeak of the faucets. "No. That'd be super strange, right?"
She sounded so guilty about it, Akihiko huffed a laugh. "Uh, just a bit, yeah." He cleared his throat. "Are you going to be long? I do want to, uh, talk. If that's okay."
"I am," Kotone said. "Going to be long."
Oh. Yeah, that was not great to hear. He felt stuck, standing awkwardly just outside the room as it began to fill with steam, unwilling to let this go any longer.
He glanced, and saw the opaque screen was firmly shut around the tub. Also: "Are you sitting?"
"Did you look?"
"Not— not on purpose, but." He shook his head. "No, we're not doing this." He pushed the door open further and sat down too, his back against the doorframe, arms draped over his folded knees. "If you want me to leave, you can tell me. Until then… I want to talk."
"I can see that," she said with a hint of amusement. "If literally anyone else hears about this, you will never live it down, you know."
"What else is new?" It was just another distraction. "Can we talk about why you're sitting on the floor of a cold shower at almost four?"
"I turned it to hot," she pointed out. "And do we have to? I mean." She sighed. "Why are you sitting outside a girl's shower at almost four?"
"Because you looked at me," Akihiko said.
"Whoops." Another long sigh. "I. Just. I mean, what should I say? You were there too."
"It was a bad fight," Akihiko said, an expert on such things.
"Yeah."
"But we got out and we got home in one piece."
"Mm." Not another yeah.
"You're upset Junpei was hurt."
"No," she said suddenly, sharply. "No, that's not it at all. No. I." Her faint, fuzzy shadow moved, her hands running through her hair maybe. "Can you not tell Mitsuru-senpai any of this? Because I— I don't know if I can…. tell you anything if—"
"Okay," Akihiko agreed.
"He didn't get hurt," Kotone told him sternly. "That's not what happened. Junpei died." She paused to take a breath. "And. And."
Fingers digging into his knees, Akihiko waited.
"The thing is that Junpei is, ha. Uh. Maybe my best friend? He's an idiot and a loud-mouth and— and he's my best friend." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "And I stopped Yukari from reviving him. I stopped her!"
Shutting his eyes, Akihiko nodded. "I know."
"You know. Yukari knows! She wanted to do the right thing and I made her fight instead!" There was a wet slamming sound, loud enough that Akihiko jumped. Her hand slapping the edge of the tub maybe. "That's… not good! That's really bad. That I am m—making decisions like that, with people's lives! So." Her hand waved through the air. "Yeah, I'm… sitting in the shower."
"And if Mitsuru knew," Akihiko said slowly as he figured it out for himself, "she might tell you it was the right decision and you should be proud. Or… question your fitness as the team leader."
"Yeah. Exactly. That's exactly it." There was a beat. "This sucks."
It really fucking did. Rolling his head back against the door frame, Akihiko considered his words carefully. Not for the first time, he was relieved that she let him. Sometimes people got impatient, which made finding the right thing to say even harder.
He found it. He hoped. "You know what I think?"
"Very rarely."
"You're funny," he drolled, and smiled as she managed to laugh. "I think that… it's like math."
"It's like math," she repeated.
"It's like math. You have to do the problem. You're solving for the solution, right?"
"Oh. Yeah. And I decided that the solution was winning instead of helping my friend."
"No, stop that," Akihiko said, a little sharper than he meant. "The solution was… still saving Junpei. But think about it. If Yukari had managed to bring him back right then, in that moment, what would have happened?" A little tired of the catastrophizing, he went on before she could answer. "Yukari would have gotten Junpei up, and the guardian would have been shielded, and we knew already that it just ate up magical attacks. So if I took that swing to break the tetrakarm, I would have taken a hard hit." Breaking a shield like that always hurt something fierce at melee range. Yukari was the best for cracking them from afar. "You were down, I might've been next, and Junpei wouldn't have known what was happening. So. You solved it. There was an order of operations. It had to happen like that or what? Yukari would have had to take on the shadow alone?"
He left it unstated, how badly that would have gone.
It hung around them in the room, in the quiet, the only sound the white noise of the water.
"It was a bad fight, Kotone," Akihiko said. "But everyone made it home tonight." He hesitated a moment. "I don't know if anyone else would have managed that. It's really admirable."
There was a new sound, a wet, shaky inhale. Was she crying again? That hadn't been his intention at all. "Akihiko?"
"What?"
"Can you go wait outside? I think I'm done in here."
It was so sudden, he didn't follow for a moment. As soon as understanding sunk in, he climbed to his feet and pulled the door shut behind him.
His hand was still lingering on the handle as he heard the shower turn off. Blinking out of his tired daze, he left, walking back to the lounge.
Enough time passed that he started to worry again, wondering if he should check on her. Right about then, the door opened and Kotone stepped out, dressed in warm winter sleepclothes, her hair in a twisted towel. If she was sheepish about how she looked, it didn't show. She met Akihiko's eyes like she was daring him to say something. "Hi."
"Hey," he breathed. "How're you feeling?"
"Exhausted. I think I got a headache from lack of sleep. And my fingers are so wrinkly now, wow." She smiled faintly. "Better, though."
"Better? Oh." He nodded. "I, uh, I'm glad. Because you really did save his life tonight. Even if it feels like the opposite."
"Thank you for saying that. Maybe I'll… start to believe it soon." It wasn't a particularly optimistic sentiment, but as always, she smoothed it over with a smile.
"I can keep saying it if you want," he offered. "Just let me know. I'll remind you."
"That'd be nice." She continued to eye him; he did his best to not look away. It was a little easier at four in the morning, turning the discomfort of direct glances into a game to win. Someone had to break.
Kotone blinked first, and snickered softly. "Ah, anyway. Are you going to sleep now?"
"Are you?"
Her eyes narrowed. "What if I order you to go to sleep already?"
"This isn't a mission. I don't take orders from you here." Which felt… True. Ish. At least mostly true. "I'm older than you, so. Go to sleep, Kotone."
"Ah, a classic misstep, sempai. For I am contrarian to the bones." She moved her hand like she meant to flip her hair, forgetting it was wrapped up. "You know, Junpei's been on me to start playing this MMO with him. I thought it'd be really fun to start in secret and out level him, then start to send him fight requests in the game. I could start tonight."
That did sound like it'd be pretty entertaining. "Go to bed, for fuck's sake."
A real laugh bubbled out of her. She covered her mouth to muffle it. "Oh, I gotta introduce you to Saori-senpai sometime, you'd like her." Shaking her head, she reached out and put her hand on the wall; it was really late, and it hadn't been an easy day by any means. The weariness was palpable in how she moved. He wasn't sure why she was being contrary. "I could be bribed."
Bribed. Akihiko crossed his arms. "What could you possibly want?"
He could see her deliberating, the way the humor seeped out of her like the heat of the sun draining in the shade. When her lips settled into a flat line, she said: "I am willing to acquiesce to your command if you give me a hug."
That humming static filled his brain. "I. You want…"
"What do boxers in movies say? Put your money where your mouth is." A sudden pink flush popped over her cheeks. "Or, arms, I mean. If I did a good leaderly job today, then give me some positive reinforcement." She held out her arms, just a few inches from her body, careful not to encroach too far. "Well?"
The whole thing was just playful enough, he could dodge it. Even he could see the line he'd had to say to shrug the request off.
Instead, he unfolded his arms, taking a second to relish the surprised look in her face before he stepped in and just did it, put his arms around her, folding them across her shoulders. Carefully chaste, he kept his hands loosely fisted to not grasp her, letting the heel of his hand press firmly to her back.
Kotone took a deep breath and lowered her head until her forehead rested against his clavicle.
Which… bumped her towel into his face, and it slipped off to land damply on the floor. Both of them jumped, then settled.
"Whoops. Again. That's two Akihiko-related whoops in a day," she joked.
"I won't tell if you don't."
"Deal," she sighed, and a little more of her weight shifted to him. Instinctively, he adjusted his stance enough to take it. He could very vividly feel her fingertips against the back of his sleep shirt, threadbare after years and years of washing. He counted and found he could just barely feel her nails in five spots.
That was much safer to focus on than anything else. The static in his head covered a lot of feelings he wasn't ready to examine at, again, four in the damn morning.
Still, he managed to briefly rest his face against her wet hair and said, "It was a bad fight. There's no one else I'd rather be in a bad fight with."
"You'd know, huh?"
They stayed like that for a while. Akihiko tried to gauge how long was too long, when it would tip from playful to inappropriate.
But everyone else was asleep and they'd both watched someone die today. So screw it. He'd wait for her signal, like he always did.
Until then, Akihiko shut eyes and held on.