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I still remember how I felt when our eyes met. Those cold eyes, devoid of any form of happiness. It was a sensation I had never felt before, how could a man supposedly so full of passion appear to be so.. indifferent? I have no idea how the so-called “young nobleman” people claimed to have the charisma of a god, yet have an aura so conflicting, so contradictory to the personality people perceive him to have. However, this shouldn’t have been a surprise. I knew how misleading the Harbingers could turn out to be. I, out of all people, knew how vicious the world could be. That was until I met you.
I didn’t know how my life would evolve upon meeting you. Your eyes, how much they resemble the ocean is unsettling. The deep, blue, body of water shows calm and serenity. It’s as if you’re entranced by it, the subtle cascade of water under the blue sky. You can hear birds chirping in the distance, as the tides continue to flow. That's how it feels when looking into your eyes. Those blue eyes, which at first glance, are the calm tides they very resembled. But after recognising your true nature, those melancholy eyes will never be the same. ‘The calm before the storm’ they say, I would agree that it portrays you accurately. Those once sullen ocean-blue eyes, suddenly convert into a raging surge of water. The fierce collision of the liquid matches the harsh bolt of lightning that rained down from the heavens. I don’t know what others think, but your eyes tell a story. A story that even the most intelligent literary genius couldn’t explain. The rage, the fear, and the elation that arise in your eyes can only be described as a book just waiting to be read by the reader, a book so essential to understand the true essence of your being.
I found myself to be the one reading your book, and you knew it. You know what you do to me, it’s definitely apparent. You were the first one to say it,
“I love you.”
But what does that word mean? Love, do you think it really exists? Is there a way to prove its existence? You were my love, the one whom I was infatuated with, the one that I wanted to spend the remainder of my life with. But, is that not an experience that is superficial, something that everybody yearns for in their life? Everybody has a person they want to confide in; we spend our lives searching for ‘the one’, but how can we be certain that the person we find is the one? Is love just a concept we humans created to distract us from our emotions? We develop this false sense of security within another, entrusting somebody else with our worries, letting them share their hardships with us and vice versa; but what if that’s all fake? We spend our lives depending on them, to the point of losing the ability to imagine life without them. But, what if the person you unleashed all your emotions with turned out to be the very one who would reveal to the public all of your secrets, everything you trusted them with?
Life is unfair, it’s undeniable. Good is rivalled by evil, nevertheless, evil always prevails in the end. It’s inevitable, in every situation there has to be some form of corruption. In you, it’s clear, you deceived me. It’s funny, the way you were able to mislead me with your facade. I’ll never forget that smile. The smile that you greeted me with the moment we met. That day is a day I can distinguish from others without mistakes.
“Hey, Luc! I’m Tartaglia, codename Childe.”; You said with a grin. At that moment I felt a passion in my heart burning, the flames roaring and flourishing with your words acting like the oxygen fueling the fire. My thoughts raced, my mind couldn’t stop thinking about you. Every image in my mind was of you. The way your copper hair swayed in the wind, the way your eyes squinted ever so slightly when you smiled at me. Your fierce demeanour rivals a warrior, that comparison was... unnecessary, seeing as you are a warrior. A man that faces every challenge with a grin, a man with determination. That is something I find admirable about you. The passion in your soul shows when you fight. My world was never as bright as I would like it to be, my past overshadows the present like it’s trying to steal the spotlight. If there’s a possibility that it is, then it’s succeeding. But unlike me, you seem to be able to push through, but in spite of that, you can live in the present. Unlike me, you don’t maintain a somewhat reasonable lifestyle just to keep your sanity. Your charm consumes me, the definition of love truly fits in this incident; “an intense feeling of deep affection.”, this perfectly defines the adoration in my heart for you. Before I knew it, I was stupidly in love with you...I will never say this again, I was head over heels for you.
Once again, this was obvious to you. A man like me would never act so foolishly; so carefree in the presence of another, except for you. You captivated me and kept me in a daze. You almost hypnotised me with that alluring aspect you have. For the first time in my life, I loved someone. You were the person I loved more than myself, before I knew it you became my all; my everything. The one I woke up to in the mornings, your auburn hair illuminated by the golden light shining through our silk curtains, the soft snore you let out as you occupied yourself in a dream nobody but you could recall. It was a scene that recurred regularly, though that didn’t stop me from cherishing the moment any less. I stifled a chuckle as I gazed at the sight in front of me, your locks messily displayed on your head. I loved you so much, so extraordinarily much that my heart could burst. With every word you spoke, I would be captivated by that sweet voice of yours, the same voice that told me you loved me every night
Which would also be the same voice that would soon betray my very trust.
I fell for you. I loved you, but you didn’t. I gave you my all and once again, I was misled. Your words will never leave my mind. That voice which spoke the words that once healed my inner self was the one to rip off the bandages which mended me. I can hear them, echoing in my brain, those sentences you whispered into my ear.
“This never meant anything. I let the boss know of the information you’ve given me; do you really think this relationship was sincere? That I truly loved you? You were foolish, Luc.”
You were right, it was foolish, absurd even, of me to believe you. Did you have to play with me? Toy with my heart which you knew was fragile? You lied, you lied and me being the idiot I am, I believed you. I believed your every word, every “I love you” and every “my love” you muttered was false. The shallow breath in my ear after the words sent a shudder down my spine and all of a sudden I froze. How you could mutter those words without a second of hesitation baffled me, how could you be so heartless? Most importantly, how could I have trusted you? The eyes that I used to gaze into, with my heart filled with love became eyes that would shoot daggers into mine. With every second that passed, I could feel my eyes moisten. Why did I have to let my guard down? Why did the person that I let myself be vulnerable with, end up being you? How I felt was indescribable, not only was the shame of allowing myself this pain overwhelming me, the guilt, and the amount of humiliation I felt was unbearable.
The next day you moved out, abandoning me. Not a single word was said once that conversation ended, I can see why you appear like an ocean to me; after the calm, the storm that wreaks havoc on the body of water engulfs you, it swallows you until you can no longer breathe, until asphyxiation has killed you. Just like you. Bloodshot eyes seemed to be a regular occurrence, as every night soon became a cycle of hyperventilation and distressed weeping. It was as if I was mourning, mourning the past, mourning you. After that exchange, I felt as if I was suffocating. Every time I passed you in public my heart pounded. Those bright blue eyes only emanated disdain with each stare they gave. How could you still call me ‘Luc’, with that scorn in your eyes?
“Luc! Hmm.. pass me the wine, won’t you?” How could you hold such casual conversations after the agony you have caused me? Above all,
how could I still love you after the pain you have put me through?
As much as I can convey my feelings of resentment towards you, I still love you. Don’t twist my words, if I saw you by the tavern at this time I would still see you as the enemy; after all, you’re scum, aren’t you? I should’ve learnt the truth sooner, that all Fatui are nothing but inconceivably hedonistic people who use others for their own gain. As much as I drill that into my head, images of you are engraved into my brain. I still hope to see you when I wake up, lying there with what I believe to be true peace. I still hope to walk into the house we once shared and smell the aroma of your signature meal in the air. I hope and hope and hope but it’s futile. My efforts I take to forget you end up fruitless.
I still need you.