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How would you describe the feeling bubbling up inside you right now? The aching, throbbing beat of your heart syncing to the rhythm of your feet as it starts to pound away at the last foundations of your sanity. The blood coursing through your veins feeling like they just start shooting to parts of your body. Your cheeks begin to flush, the heat searing away any trace of composure or blankness you try to plaster onto your face.
Everything seems to focus and unfocus as your eyes start darting to passing cars, the people occasionally rolling their eyes at your general direction, the stray dog or cat walking dangerously close to the road adding an extra backbeat to the pounding in your chest. You've convinced yourself that inspecting each segment and cracked brick you pass is completely imperative to keep you from just running from this situation, your freehand wipes the torrent of sweat materializing from your brow as you opt to start staring at the horizon to your left, you just want anything... literally ANYTHING else to look at right now than the person to your right.
*Ba-dump~ Ba-dump~*
You just want to go home. You don't want to be here anymore. It's not an issue with the person just out of view, though it doesn't help when she'd rather walk in silence for the duration of the walk.
It's the anxiety. Its caught up.
You feel as if your chest housed an orchestra of manic dread, each instrument clashing and vibrating a sour and dissonant sound that starts resonating in your chest. Its as if they're actively vibrating the air out from your lungs as your breaths become heavier, the torrent becomes stronger, and the irrational feeling of eyes causing you to obssesively pull down at your shirt and pat at any stray strands of hair.
What the fuck should you do in this situation? You're able to feel her calloused fingertips rub on your knuckles with her grip feeling like the warmest mittens you've ever worn, with the pressure of a vice clamped down on your palms, you can feel the shallow trenches of scarring on them as you threaten to completely melt into this sensation. "My God how... Why?... What in the fuck did I do to deserve this overwhelming display of affection? Did I die? This definitely feels like the most awkward purgatory I've been in". But.....
Its nice. If only the world melted away to allow you bask in this moment in peace, It's embarrassing sure...you'd be exactly the type of pair people would scoff or force an envious chuckle at. But you could live with it.
Just to check if your vocal chords still have the ability to push out any coherent phrase or sentence you start.
"So..."
It comes out as a dry...barely audible whimper, you feel the hand grasping yours suddenly jolt, an expectant "hm?" following it. Its like she completely forgot she was gripping your hand like you'd suddenly dissapear into the ether if she were to let go.
"Uhhh so..probably a dumb question but uh... what does this make us?"
You finally manage to swivel your head enough for you to take glance at her. She's looking away, her hair likened to an opaque curtain covering her expressions, rendering her unreable.
"What do you think? You asked me out...You had this whole cheesy speech... We're literally holding hands... figure it out."
"I don't know if I can"
"If you make me say it Im using your fingernails as guitar picks"
"Noted...."
You find that active threat a little too... appealing... But you choose to keep that to yourself right now lest you get dumped into the river right here right now.
"I- what made you say yes?"
"My mouth"
"Shoulda saw that coming..."
You hear a faint chuckle in response.
You notice her pace start to slow, naturally you try matching it as you look towards the horizon again, "Yep, this is heaven.." you think to yourself. The orange tinted sky and the sensation on your hand make for an otherworldly feeling, you feel your eyes unfocus and your mind go blank.
Then you realize she's stopped walking, With her atleast two steps behind you you're finally afforded a view of her face.
She's beet red.... her eyes towards the horizon, and her mouth quivering, looking like she's trying to surpress a growing grin. Her vice grip lets up as she quickly stuffs both hands into her hoodie pockets, you internally frown as your hands feel numb without the sensation.
"Lets stop here abit"
Your eyes widen. The shock being the only thing keeping your face to distort in anguish.
"Wait hu-
"I meant let's just stop walking, what's with that face you dork" she teases.
"Oh..ah.. ah yeah sure.."
You let out a relieved sigh placing the palm of your right hand on your chest, "Oh Jesus H. Christ my heart...I thought my heart stopped beating for a second" , if you weren't as red as a tomato then you definitely were now.
"You're so cute when you're flustered.."
"hu-HUh?"
"Exactly that" she teases.
Despite the teasing you can't stop the smile growing on your face, you've never been called cute this way before, sure you've heard it a thousand times from your relatives but this... feels so much more special... the word etching itself in your mind, repeating it as if it was a broken record.
"Gahhh you're really making me work for this"
"Hm?"
"So why did I say yes huh?"
She looks to the river, its tranquil flow being enough to flood the words from out her mouth.
"I don't know when it started... When we're together it just feels...right. When we laugh at the most absurd shit, walking around and getting lost with you, when we started venting to each other about stuff...."
"The way you look at me when Im playing guitar.... How you got me to start tutoring you, when I noticed how cute your face is when you're focused...when I started trying to just lowkey hold your hand when you're struggling with a chord."
"I guess I probably knew when I started to get lonely when you're with your other group, or get jealous when you talk to other girls even if I don't have the right to feel that way. When...when I finally noticed how much I missed you when you weren't here with me..."
So how would you describe the feeling that's bubbling up inside you right now? The aching, throbbing beat of your heart as it starts to syncopate to a blissful groove, the blood coursing through it relaying a steady rhythm that flows in your veins.
The orchestra in your chest still playing a manic symphony, with each instrument now playing in complete crazed harmony, performing a piece that would be considered calming if it weren't accented by the double pedalling your heart's doing.
"So yeah there I like you...you figure out the rest bozo"
"Uhm... Thanks, I didn't know I was that special to someone.."
She grabs your hand once again, your hand springing to life as it welcomes the sensation once more, the heat spreading to your chest, making it seem as if your heart is beating in a pile of warm static.
"Well get used to it ; P"
She pulls you into a playful run as the both of you laugh off all the awkwardness of the past few minutes. As she looks back to you with a warm smile you finally pinpoint what exactly you were feeling all this time, the feeling of being loved.
*Ba-dump~Ba-dump~*