Archive of Our Own ^beta

The life of an idol is very limiting . It’s as if you owe everything and anything that you have to your fans, their personal lives almost nonexistent unless they’ve established from the beginning that they aren’t going to spill any of their personal lives. What more if the idol got into a relationship? A recipe for disaster .

But thankfully Hyungwon and Changkyun, who of course were open to their members that they have been in a relationship since the All In era, were accepting and supportive of them. They are brothers regardless, and they’re Monsta X, they’d never turn their backs on each other. But that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t spare the chance to tease either of them, which in both their cases is Hyungwon, because how can you ever deny the maknae? 

“Changkyun-ssi, who’s your number one hyung for today?” the interviewer asked the youngest as they were backstage of an award show creating extra content for the station. The hyungs all looked at Changkyun in anticipation, giving him pats and batting lashes whilst the others would sling their arms around his shoulder and press their heads together, much to the interviewers delight especially when the maknae whined at the excessive affection he was receiving. 

“Well, IM-ssi? Who’s the lucky hyung for tonight?” 

“For tonight it’s…Hyungwonnie-hyungie.” the said hyung has slung his arm around the youngest shoulder, effectively dislodging the other hyungs who whined at the decision of the maknae.

“Aw man! It’s always Hyungwon!” 

“But Kyunnie!! We’re besties, right?!”

“We can collectively one up Hyungwon if we can!” Minhyuk says in a teasing tone yet the challenge was in his eyes as he eyed the members and gave a sly look towards his best friend who was also the maknae’s lover. 

“You better watch your back, Chae!” 

The group and the interviewer all collectively laughed, the interviewer not knowing that the banter they encountered would turn into something that would span on for months. 

True enough, the other hyungs, namely Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Jooheon, have decided it’ll be fun to tease their little turtle Hyungwon into quote and quote “ we can steal your man if we wanted to, Wonnie.” To which Hyungwon laughed off at first with a wave of a hand, knowing all of them are busy and just generally thinking that it’s just some joke. 

“Kkungie, do you want to—” 

“Sorry, no can do, My Wonnie! The three of us are going out for dinner tonight! Hehe! Maybe next time?” Minhyuk has grabbed the phone from Changkyun and has answered for the maknae it seems, much to Hyungwon’s dismay but he thought it was just teasing, so he teased back.

“Aigoo, but I wasn’t talking to Minhyukie the dog, right? Be a good boy and give the phone to Changkyunnie, I’m speaking with him.” Hyungwon can hear Minhyuk and the other two laugh from the other end of the line before a different voice answers Hyungwon.

“Maybe next time, Chae Turtle, yeah? We have dinner planned already! Bye!” It was Kihyun’s voice before he abruptly ended the call. Hyungwon sighs in frustration. 

+++

They were all horsing around and playing in the middle of concept planning their comeback when the director mentioned the units.

“Jooheon-ah, you’re paired with Changkyun this comeback. The fans seem to miss the two of you together so let’s give it to them this season.” Jooheon jumps from his seat and celebrates by doing a happy dance, shaking his but at Hyungwon’s face to tease him that it’s him who gets to hog the maknae. The others laughed along because of course they have to appease the fans! Nevermind those who support Hyungwon and Changkyun together, they’re used to making their own fantasies in their head, the drought getting to their brains, it’s a normal event. 

“There there, Wonnie-ah. I’m sure the next comeback will be yours! Oh! How about for the Season's greetings?” Kihyun teased with a pat on his shoulder as Changkyun laughed at his lover’s sour expression, the glare he’s giving on the hand on his shoulder as if offended by its presence, Minhyuk only laughs before he hugs Changkyun and sticks a tongue out on his best friend’s direction. The director and production crew can only shake their heads at their antics. 

+++

“I can’t go to the gym at our usual time today, hyungie.” Changkyun says on the other line. It was their supposed usual time to go to the gym and with Changkyun changing companies, the scarce time they get to spend on their free day or in between shoots were way lessened with Changkyun having solo schedules, that, and the fact that the others are still unrelenting on teasing Hyungwon on “one upping him” in winning Changkyun’s affection to be the number one hyung. “I still have a recording that I haven’t finished. You go on ahead, okay?” 

Hyungwon can only sigh, it’s not like he has a choice. It’s been a month, if not more, since the last time he got to spend time with his lover alone. Their personal schedules wouldn’t align and the others are still hogging his boyfriend like it’s their personal duty to make sure they break up or something. Hyungwon doesn’t want to dwell on the latter, especially when his own lover isn’t actively doing anything to push the others away. Maybe it’s all in Hyungwon’s head? He’s just reading too much into it, Changkyun still loves him, he does! Right?  

“gie…Hyungie? Hyungwonnie-hyungie!” He returns to his senses once he hears his lover’s voice from the other line.

“H-huh? Oh. It’s alright, Kkungie. I can’t hold you back on that one, you know.” Hyungwon says with a chuckle that scratches his throat. He hears Changkyun chuckle from the other end and Hyungwon can still make his heart melt each time. 

“I’ll join you soon, hyungie! Take care!” then the line ends. Hyungwon sighs.

+++

Jooheon returns to the dorm one night after spending some time with his friends, surprised to see Hyungwon still up at that time and was watching some drama on the TV in their living room. He’s confused though, since Hyungwon has made no sign nor acknowledgement that Hyungwon has seen him enter the threshold, seeing him just staring blankly on the television which turns out to be a youtube channel but Hyungwon wasn’t really watching. He approaches him and sits beside him, waving his hand in front of his bandmate.

“Yah, Jagi. Jagi…Hyungwonnie. Are you alright?” Jooheon says as he gently shakes him out of his stupor. Said person seems to be startled, soul returning to his body and was confused when he saw Jooheon beside him. 

“Oh, Jagi? What time did you return?” Jooheon frowns at him as he did, observing his tall bandmate who looked like he just woken up. 

“Just now. Are you alright? Did you drink? You were dazed out.”  Hyungwon chuckles a bit as if embarrassed. 

“Sorry ‘bout that, Jagi. I was just tired today is all.” he says before he turns to him, “How was your day today, honey? How was meeting your friends?”

“OH! WE HAD SO MUCH FUN! It’s great to see your friends after the hectic schedules we all have the past months, it’s exhausting! OH! And Kyunnie was even able to make it to the bar!” Jooheon said as he recalled his night, teasing his jagi with the end statement, still teasing him with having time to see their maknae than him, the boyfriend. 

Hyungwon only pauses for a bit before he chuckles emptily, making sure the pause wasn’t prolonged so it wouldn’t raise any suspicion, but Jooheon is too elated to notice if the pause was poignant. 

“That’s great, Joo! At least Kyunnie has time to relax amidst the hectic schedule. I’m glad you guys had fun.” Hyungwon says before he hastily stands up, patting Jooheon’s shoulder as he passes by him. 

“I gotta head to bed, I have a schedule at 7am and it’s already 3:30! Nunu-hyung said he wouldn’t sleep here tonight and just head home, the kids at kindergarten are gonna have a field trip and his house was closer than the dorms.” 

“Good-night, Jagi!” Hyungwon nods as he heads to his room. 

Contrary to what he said, as Hyungwon’s head touched the pillow on his bed, he wasn’t able to sleep. The feeling of dread and uneasiness in his gut that he tried to ignore for months now tries to resurface, his mind mocking him of his worth and relationship that was teetering on the edge. He turns on the other side as he sighs, trying to suppress the feeling of being a stranger in his own relationship. 

“IM-ssi! I have to ask since I remember it had been a hot topic amongst your members a couple of months back, but who is your number one hyung as of this moment!?” the host asked as they were in a variety show with all of them invited sans Shownu who was still finishing his service. The members laughed at the question as Changkyun giggled but face palmed himself at the recurrent question. 

“Last time, who was the number one hyung?” the host asked conversationally to the group, to which they all mentioned it was Hyungwon with a point of a finger. The said person raised his hand, proud that he was long running, but Jooheon mentions that it won’t be for long. They laughed after that, the host curious as to what they meant.

“We’re playing on who gets to be the number one hyung next. We’ve been one upping each other to be number one. Just to tease Hyungwon.” Kihyun explained to the host with a laugh as if they were talking about the weather and not about Hyungwon and Changkyun’s relationship, not that the host nor the public knows about it. The host laughed before he turned to Changkyun who was also cackling in his seat. 

“So, IM-ssi, your hyungs are dying to know who’s claiming the first spot this time!” Changkyun chuckles and settles before he answers.

“Today…it’s Minhyuk-hyung.” The said hyung jumps happily as he went right in front of Hyungwon to tease him with silly faces and a wiggle of the hips. Hyungwon pouts although he chuckles and pulls Changkyun towards him before the youngest gets pulled by Minhyuk and plants a loud kiss on his cheek, much to Changkyun’s annoyance although he’s smiling. Of course Hyungwon has to keep his cool, this is work, he doesn’t have a say in this. The host claps and cheers before he asks why it was Minhyuk.

“He’s been taking care of me a lot recently…”

“HEY! NO FAIR! I COOK FOR YOU!!” Kihyun says, aghast with a hand on his chest

“HE CAN ONLY DO THAT BECAUSE YOU SHARE THE DORM WITH HIM!” Jooheon screams with an accusatory finger pointing at Minhyuk who had a smug look on his face as he pulls Changkyun to his side impossibly closer.

Hyungwon was supposed to say more but the prompter rolled, meaning it was time for the next segment. But the host still asked Hyungwon why he didn’t say anything about losing the first spot. Hyungwon had to chuckle as he smiled, generic and automatic from years of practice, before he answered. 

“Me and Joohoney live together, what he says are also my complaints.” The host and the rest laughed as Jooheon slings an arm around his shoulder. 

+++

“For this comeback, the units will be…” 

Please be me and Changkyun. Please be me and Changkyun. Please be me and Chang—

“Minhyuk and Changkyun! The fans are delighted with the recent variety show and your guesting with Joohoney so we’ll go with that! Kihyun is to be with Hyungwon and Jooheon! Although we were contemplating if Jooheon is to be with Hyungwon and Kihyun or with Minhyuk and Changkyun since the fans are hungry for some tom and jerry action from Kihyun and Hyungwon.” the director lengthily explains the unit arrangement for the comeback. Hyungwon deflates as Minhyuk cheers on, still doing his wiggly mocking dance on Hyungwon before he goes to where Changkyun was and snuggles him. 

Kihyun openly laughs seeing the blatant distaste in Hyungwon’s face from the thought of not being paired with Changkyun again , and having to be paired with Kihyun of all people. 

“There there, Hyungwon-ah. Maybe you’ll get lucky on the Season’s Greetings for sure!” Kihyun mocks. 

Hyungwon makes a swing at his direction saying along the lines of, “the fans want tom and jerry? I’ll give them Tom and Jerry now.” Before he makes a move to strangle Kihyun who was still laughing at him. 

Later on as Hyungwon was alone in the darkness of his room, trying to win the battle versus his mind that was spiraling down to an increasing rate of self deprecation. He isn’t jealous, but he’s starting to question his worth if he’s even still worthy to be with Changkyun. The fans seemed to be fine with him and Changkyun interacting least, when he was scrolling using his burner account, it doesn’t seem as if their tandem is openly missed by the majority of the fandom. Is that why they aren’t paired in concept photos together? Why don't they have a schedule together? They’re busy as they are and with them having separate companies, their time is little to none. 

He blindly reaches for his phone to shoot his lover a text. They aren’t even able to message nor video call as frequently these times, it’s kind of ridiculous. It’s like LDR but they’re in one city, in the same country, in the same group, but feels as if they’re at the opposite sides of the world with Changkyun’s side of the earth having numerous people and parties that can keep him busy while Hyungwon’s side is cold and icy, with no form of entertainment aside from his mind that wasn’t necessarily on his side. 

To: My Kkungie 💜

Time : 1:15 AM

Changkyun

We’re okay, right?  

It’s stupid. But the moment he hits the arrow button to send his message was the same moment he felt his tears roll down to his temple. Hyungwon doesn’t know why he’s crying, feeling inferior and small against his own mind who was bullying him that Changkyun was getting tired of him and his insistent messaging. Like a naggy overbearing partner who’s most likely better to be left alone than to deal with their toxicity. Tsk.  

Hyungwon doesn’t know how much time has passed since he started spiraling down in his room, the dark room and his wet pillows being the witness of his turmoil, when his lover replied back. 

From: My Kkungie 💜

Time: 3:55 AM

Of course we are, Hyungwonnie 

It’s just been busy the past couple of months since the close comebacks and me moving companies. But we’ll have time during promotion for this recent comeback for sure!  

To: My Kkungie 💜

Time : 4:00 AM

You’re right. Sorry, it was silly of me. I was just watching a drama haha! Good night, Kyun-ah. I love you  

Hyungwon’s tears never really stopped even as his lover replied to his message.

+++

Promotions were fun and tiring. They get up and go to the company in the early morning to practice and focus before heading to the music show in the afternoon to record or to perform live before they head to either dance practice or fansign events. They were used to it already, no big deal. The others started to notice though, that Hyungwon had been quiet for most of the time that they were together. From spacing out or messing up the choreo during practice, something so unlike him since he’s usually the first to memorize and grasp the dance. 

“Cut the music! Hyungwon-ssi! Are you alright? This is the third time you made the same mistake!?” the choreographer asked, irked but more baffled as to why Hyungwon keeps making mistakes on the same damn step. The said person huffs in frustration before he sighs and apologizes. 

“Focus, Hyungwon-ah! You’re going to perform live later!” the choreographer reminds, voice strict. Hyungwon nods and replies affirmatively while the rest quietly observes the interaction, giving their tallest member questioning looks if he’s alright, all of which Hyungwon answered with a nod. 

Later on that night when they were back in their respective dorms, Jooheon receives a text from Kihyun to check on Hyungwon if he’s alright. The mentioned member went straight to his room after giving a brief greeting to their leader who was watching a drama on the TV. It was his day-off today. 

“What happened with Hyungwon?” Shownu asked the maknae in the dorm after they heard the door to Hyungwon’s room close. Jooheon sighs as he shakes his head before he falls beside Shownu on the couch, leaning his head on the leader’s shoulder.

“Hyungwonnie’s been out of it lately. We’re not really sure when it started but he’s been spacing out again recently.” Shownu hums as they both continue to watch the drama.

“Have you guys asked Changkyun about it? You know, since they’re each other’s boyfriend?” 

“Not really, no. As far as we know, they haven’t gone on a proper date in months! The schedules aren’t really working well for them.” Jooheon says in passing before he follows up with a question regarding the drama, and the conversation ends there. 

During the time that Hyungwon and Changkyun were able to go out on a proper date in months, it was cut short since there was an abrupt change of schedule and they had to record clips to be uploaded for their upcoming comeback. Both of them sigh when they receive the text, a pout on the maknae’s face but chuckles when he sees the bummed expression of his lover.

“Will they please just let us be for even a day?! It’s been literally months since I got to be with you!” Hyungwon whined with a sour face as he saw their GC teasing them to return and to bring back our baby to us, Hyungwon!! Stop hogging him!!

“I’m sure they’re just kidding, hyungie. Don’t mind them”

“But they’ve been doing this for months! And it’s fun at first but why are they subjecting me to a fucking game just so I could spend time with my lover as if they control our relationship!” Hyungwon says with a huff, not saying that he’s insecure since Changkyun seems to be doing just fine with their lack of anything as lovers, but he doesn’t voice that out, knowing Changkyun trusts him and he does too! It’s just that his head has been a mess and his spirals have been more frequent than usual. It's starting to affect his rhythm. 

+++

It became a cycle for Hyungwon for how many months then, fighting for the number one hyung position and his friends hogging his lover as if it’s funny for them to see him suffer having little to no time with his boyfriend while others get to be with him. Or were they having fun with Hyungwon spiraling down a frequently losing battle with his head and insecurities that he isn’t capable of fighting and sustaining love and a relationship, that he’s not missable and is easily replaceable, that there wasn’t anything special in him that it’s easy to assure Changkyun that they’re fine, since there’s nothing to lose, right? After the never-ending cycle, eventually Hyungwon decided to stop fighting to be the number one hyung. 

It wasn’t noticed at first, but when Changkyun was asked during the fansign of their comeback on who is his number one and two hyung and Hyungwon’s name wasn’t in either of the two, he just smiled and chuckled at them especially when some of the fans commented about Hyungwon not being in the top again , much to the surprise and confusion of the others. Usually he’d put up a fight but he just laughed and said something like how it’ll be like that sometimes before Hyungwon grabs one of the stuffed toys given to them to play with it. But they continued on, the fansign being the only chance for Hyungwon and Changkyun to meet and interact freely. 

At one point Hyungwon asked Changkyun if he had something in his eye, knowing his cat lover has never ending patience for him. True enough, Changkyun did check.

“Kyunnie, can you check if there’s something in my eye?” Changkyun sighs through his nose as he rolls his eyes at Hyungwon in front of the members and fans. 

“No, hyung. There isn’t anything! Stop it!” Changkyun replies with a flare in his voice but ends it with a pout, he doesn’t want the fans nor Hyungwon to think that he’s annoyed, he isn’t. 

Hyungwon chuckles lightly and turns to smile at the fans as they saw the whole interaction before he goes to play roughhouse with Jooheon. But Changkyun, eyes quick as a feline, was able to see the exact moment when the momentary shock and hurt flashed Hyungwon’s expression before he masked it with a smile, the smile itself not real enough to brighten the room like his lover’s real smiles that brightens his days. Changkyun doesn’t have the time to hold Hyungwon though, as he already moved to play with the others. The very expression makes his heart sink to his chest, Changkyun has a bad feeling about this.

After the fansign event backstage, Hyungwon has returned to his quiet self which isn’t something to worry about. But ever since Changkyun saw the slip from Hyungwon’s composure, he’s suddenly hyper aware of all the expressions and changes his tall lover was making. They thanked the staff as they changed their clothes back to the ones they’re comfortable with as they removed their makeup. 

“Boys, we’ll only use one van as we move to the next schedule. But it’ll be by 5pm so for now we’ll just bring you back to the dorms to freshen up before fetching you guys up.” their manager mentions as they were closing the last of their bags in the dressing room. “Are you all going to your dorms or going to either of the two?” 

“Do you guys wanna go watch a movie at our place?” Kihyun offers before Jooheon pipes in. 

“Oh! Why not just watch at ours? Shownu-hyung is there, it’s still his day-off, we can all watch together!” 

“Sounds good! How about you two?” Minhyuk agreed before he asked the other two who were not placing insights in the conversation. 

“Yeah, sure.” Changkyun answers, still looking at his tall lover. “How about you, hyungie?” he asked Hyungwon curiously, feline eyes observing him. The others turned to the tallest member who looked shocked that the attention was on him. 

“Yeah, of course! Let’s go?” Hyungwon says before he smiles at them, the same trained smile he uses for work. It’s just not real. The ride back to the dorm was loud but Hyungwon was quiet throughout and Changkyun was quietly observing beside him, not knowing what was wrong so he just leaned his head on his lover’s shoulder, who immediately moved so he’s more snuggled to his side, Hyungwon’s arm around him. 

When they arrived inside the dorm, they all did their greetings and settled in the living room when Hyungwon excused himself that he wanted to catch up on sleep and that they go ahead and watch the movie without him. 

“Did something happen at the fansign?” Shownu asked the group once the door to Hyungwon’s room closed, confused as to why Hyungwon had locked himself up again. 

The others all looked at each other before turning to their leader with a confused negative. “Nothing happened that’s concerning, hyung. We were actually supposed to ask you if Hyungwon had been staying up late these days since he’s kinda zoning out again? He’s getting scolded by the choreographer. The choreographer , when Hyungwonnie’s the first to memorize the dance.” Kihyun explains. 

“What about you, Kyun-ah? Has Hyungwon mentioned any problems to you?” Shownu asked the maknae who was standing by the end of the hallway, gaze still fixated on the now closed doors of his lover’s room. 

“Changkyun.” 

“Huh?” Changkyun looks at the caller of his name, eyes straying away from the hallway to see the other members all looking at him. “What was it hyungs?” 

“Has Hyungwon mentioned anything to you? Possible problems or anything troubling him?” Changkyun pauses to think of the last time they both had a proper conversation face to face and not through text, knowing Hyungwon isn’t really the type of person to say something important over phone and overall doesn’t really share much of his problems to others if he could manage it on his own. 

“No, hyung. Nothing that I could remember?” Changkyun says as he dons a confused expression before he decides to move, heading towards the hallway. 

“I’ll go check on him. You guys enjoy the movie!” 

Changkyun made sure that the movie was playing before he contemplates if he’ll knock or just barge in his boyfriend’s room with his hand on the doorknob, he doesn’t know why he feels scared though, something aching to dread on the back of his spine. He sighs before he knocks and calls out his lover’s name as he turns the knob to open the door, surprised that it wasn’t locked at all. 

“Hyungwon?” 

He sees his lover just laying in the middle of the bed as he stares at the ceiling, still in the clothes he wore when he got home. Upon the call of his name he seemed to get out of his stuporous state and looked at the door to see his lover who was standing by the door, eyes holding concern and worry. 

“Oh, Changkyunnie! How long have you been standing there? You’re not gonna watch the movie with the others?” Hyungwon asked as he rose to a sitting position on the bed as he beckoned him over when his lover shook his head. Changkyun obliges, sitting in front of Hyungwon on the bed to stare at his lover who looked at him confusedly.

“What? Is there something on my face?” Hyungwon asked his lover, expression confused as Changkyun only continued to stare, his eyes holding a glint aching to worry. Changkyun wordlessly grabs Hyungwon’s hands on the bed before he calls him.

“Wonnie…is there a problem? Are you alright? Did something happen?” Changkyun asked as he gave his lover’s hands a squeeze as he continued to look into Hyungwon’s eyes, face, everything. Trying to decipher and see through the act if he decided to lie or cover up. Hyungwon, knowing exactly what his lover was doing, just gave him a smile that he knows will assure Changkyun. He gave Changkyun’s hands a squeeze back as he nodded before he tilted his head to the side, donning a confused expression on his face as he stared right back.

“Yes, I’m alright. Why? What’s with the sudden question?” Changkyun only squeezed his hands again before sighing, looking at his lover through his lashes. 

“Nothing…But you’ll tell me if there is, right? You’ve been…spacing out a bit these days, I’m just worried if you’re sick or if something’s bothering you. You know I’m here for you, hyungie.”

Hyungwon smiles at him, cheeks puffing and nearly spilling at the sides so he can hide the raw emotions swirling in his eyes as he places a hand on his lover’s face to caress his cheek.

“I know you are, love. Don’t worry too much about me.” Hyungwon says as he continued to caress his lover’s cheek who instantly leaned on his hand like an affectionate cat. 

Everything was normal after some time, no matter what ‘normal’ is for an idol. The teasings were still there and Hyungwon actually ranked first after that incident but his reactions were never the same, which prompted Changkyun to still be hyper aware of his lover whenever he can. They were able to successfully finish the comeback promotions which should be great, right? They have more time to relax and hang out and they could finally have their much needed date. Just a few more solo schedules and Monsta X should be on their vacation, right? 

But it seems life had another way of teasing Hyungwon. Just as he was wrapping up a solo project that had been taking up most of his crumbs of free time amidst the hectic schedule, he opened his burner account on twitter and saw the havoc on the app about how Kihyun was always in Changkyun’s social media posts and maybe they could be more than friends in real life. It’s silly and stupid and delusional of these fans to think that way, he is Changkyun’s boyfriend, no matter how little or much they spend their free time together, Hyungwon and Changkyun are together and their bandmates—their friends, know that. But the fans don’t and the cherry on top that has prompted Hyungwon in his downward spiral of burnout, anxiety, and insecurity was when a ‘fan’ has labeled him like some unknown bystander just so they could make a post about his boyfriend and his friend. 

‘ Why is that tall man always in the way of you two? 😭’  

And Hyungwon should’ve known better, those nameless people on the internet don’t know them in real life, have no basis on what they’re saying but their deluded mind and projection. But Hyungwon is overworked, tired, lacks sleep, lacks time with his equally busy lover, has swallowed and bared the teasings of friends, band-mates, ‘fans’, and his own mind that it has spiraled down to a full attack that was equally painful to the chest and numbing. He tried to keep his composure on the ride home as his hands shook and he struggled to get air into his lungs and his heart pounding on his sternum. He feels sweaty even though his hands were cold, his tears threatening to fall. Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable. He tried to inconspicuously get more air, concentrating on breathing even though every inflate of his lungs only hurted his chest and head. Unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable. 

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

“-won…Hyungwon-ssi…Hyungwon!” The hand on his shoulder was what startled Hyungwon to open his eyes in a haste, his heart rate doubling in speed than it already was and a few tears springing out of his ducts. The manager only gave him a confused and concerned expression. 

“Are you alright, Wonnie-ah?” Their manager asked. Hyungwon only nodded with a forced chuckle, mumbling ‘just tired’ as he got out of the van with a stumble, his legs felt like jello and he would’ve fallen if not for the manager who held him by the elbow.

“Rest up, Wonnie-ah. This is your last schedule before you go on vacation, so you have all the time to sleep and recuperate.” Hyungwon can only nod as he wore a faux calm expression as he tried to steady his walk as he entered the building complex. 

His composure is lost the moment Hyungwon steps in the elevator though, as he stumbled and held on the elevator wall to try and even out his breathing as his tears raced down his face. His head was pounding with a headache and the continuous assault his mind was doing to him, like a never ending cycle.

  Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

Hyungwon doesn’t know how he was able to enter their dorm’s passcode but he barely had any breath in, as he continued to hyperventilate while his chest ached, leaning heavily on the door with no strength to turn the doorknob when it opened to reveal their leader who was at first baffled why the door chimed but no one entered before it registered in his mind the current state of his dorm and band-mate. Hyungwon was barely recognizable with his face wet with tears as his shaky hand was clutching his chest as he took sharp intakes of breaths. 

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

“HYUNGWON!” Shownu was quick to scoop him up from falling to the floor, quickly making his way to Hyungwon’s room to place him on the bed. Hyungwon’s tears were relentless, he wasn’t able to hear nor feel his surroundings, it was just hard to breathe as his mind continuously abused him.

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

Talentless, unwanted, unlikeable, replaceable

During that time, Shownu was able to ring the group chat and send a simple ‘hyungwon sos’ for whatever reason he wrote that to inform them that something was happening, he doesn’t know. But somehow the members understood what he meant. The leader was then quick to grab a brown bag and some medication that Hyungwon was prescribed to before when he had his attacks earlier on in their career. Shownu quickly removes any restrictive or suffocating clothing Hyungwon was wearing and places him in a seating position as he tries to calm him down. 

“Shhhh. Calm down, Hyungwon-ah. Breathe, come on. You can do it. In through the nose then slowly out from the mouth.” Shownu ushers as he places the bag in front of Hyungwon’s mouth as he assists him in holding the bag for him to breathe into as his free hand rubs his back comfortingly. He doesn’t want Hyungwon to take any medications just yet since Hyungwon has long overcome these episodes and didn’t need the medication. 

Hyungwon tries to, he really does. He holds the bag despite his hands shaking relentlessly and the oppressive fog in his head just wouldn’t clear, still stuck in the world where his insecurities won over him. He tries to follow Shownu’s instruction but the mere intake of breath was choking him and his tears just wouldn’t stop falling. 

“Focus on breathing Won-ah. Come on, I know you can do it. Breathe slowly.” Shownu was still helping him as he still struggled to breathe, to concentrate, to clear the oppressive fog in his head, to combat his insecurities.

During his struggle, the front door beeps and a series of footsteps starts to be heard. Shownu looked up and saw that Jooheon and Kihyun were there, quickly entering the room to assist their leader. 

“Shownu-hyung, please turn up the AC and get a wet towel. Joo, try to open his hands. Wonnie-ah, can you hear me? It’s Kihyunnie, breathe for us, okay? Slowly? Slowly, yeah. That’s right, good job! Let’s continue to breathe okay? Please stop crying.” Kihyun instructs everyone in the room as he holds Hyungwon, combing his hand through his sweaty hair as the others were doing as they're told. 

There was a doorbell and insistent knocking as Shownu was on his way back to Hyungwon’s room, seeing that it was Minhyuk and Changkyun from the intercom, he quickly goes to open the door before Hyungwon’s best friend and lover burst through the door and made a beeline to where Hyungwon’s room was. 

Both Changkyun and Minhyuk were surprised when they saw Hyungwon’s state in the room. Shownu has went past them to give the cold cloth to Kihyun who had Hyungwon leaning his damp head on his shoulder as they both sat on the edge of the bed, Jooheon was kneeling on the floor, massaging Hyungwon’s hand to get him to open it. Kihyun was still hushing him as he wiped Hyungwon’s face with the cold cloth and ran his hand through his hair. 

Minhyuk was the first to come out of his frozen state, quickly going to their side and telling Kihyun that he’ll take his place. Hyungwon’s breathing was still shallow but it was better than his hyperventilating state earlier as Minhyuk continued to soothe him as Kihyun held Hyungwon’s other hand to prompt him to open it. 

“It’s gonna be alright Wonnie-ah, Minmin and the rest are here see? We got you.” Minhyuk murmurs as he places a kiss on the crown of Hyungwon’s head as the latter still tries to focus on his breathing, his hands open although it is still shaking. 

Changkyun can only stare, wanting to be beside his lover but afraid to crowd him when he’s still regaining his breath. His heart pounded in worry and grief as he saw the state his lover was in with his face pale and damp, lips dry and chapped, hands shaking but looking like a withered vegetable. Hyungwon’s panic attacks were harsher on him before but it’s been so long since Hyungwon even had a panic attack that it’s like everything is new to them again. Hyungwon had always been the tallest in the group and someone they could rely on, but seeing him again in this state, it’s as if he’s small and unrecognizable again. 

“Hyung, what happened?” Jooheon asked their leader who was also on standby if anything happened, the medication still in his hands. Shownu sighs because how can he answer that? He’s just as lost as the rest of the members are.

“I honestly don’t know, Heon-ah. I already saw him in that state when I opened the door. He was able to enter the passcode but not open the door, so when I checked the intercom why he wasn’t entering and saw him barely standing, I rushed there.” 

Everyone else looked at each other then looked at Hyungwon and Changkyun, all of them sharing the same worried and confused state. 

“Well we can’t pry him to answer now. He’s barely recovered.” Kihyun says as he gets up to brush the fringe off Hyungwon’s forehead.

 “Rest up, Wonnie-ah. Hmm? We have a lot of time to talk about it when you’re ready.” Kihyun murmurs as he smiles at Hyungwon softly, who has stopped crying and was just staring out limply into nothing as he slowly regained his breathing. 

“I’ll go make you food, yeah? Just tell Minhyukie or anyone what you want and I’ll make it for you.” Kihyun assures before he tells the others to come out. 

“Changkyunnie, can you please get Hyungwonnie a change of shirt? You can stay here with him if you want.” Minhyuk says softly as he holds Hyungwon’s hand gently before ushering him to sit upright so he can change Hyungwon’s sweaty shirt with Changkyun’s help. 

“Changkyunnie will stay with you for the meantime, okay Wonnie? We’ll be outside if you need anything, just tell Changkyun. Okay?” Minhyuk says softly, as if talking to a child before he runs his fingers through Hyungwon’s hair again and nods at Changkyun, who was quiet throughout the entire ordeal. 

Once it was only the two of them in the room, Changkyun sat quietly on the edge of the bed by Hyungwon’s thigh, smiling at him sadly as he placed a hand on the limb.

“Hey you” Changkyun murmurs, as if talking to a child. His lover only smiled at him small, before avoiding eye contact all together as if embarrassed of what happened. 

“How are you feeling? Better?” he continued to murmur, voice soothing even though he wants nothing but to engulf his lover in his arms and protect him from anything and everything. 

Hyungwon stared at him for a while before he just smiled and leaned forward so he was slumped on Changkyun’s shoulder as he sighed deeply, getting a whiff of his lover’s scent, he missed Changkyun . 

“It’s alright, lovey.” Changkyun soothes as he wrapped his arms loosely around Hyungwon, still cautious that his lover was still recuperating.

“I’m tired.” Hyungwon murmurs on Changkyun’s shoulder as he wills himself to get better, to be better. Changkyun runs his hands on the expanse of Hyungwon’s back before he settles to gently scratch on the base of his neck, placing a kiss on his crown as he nodded. He doesn’t know why he felt like crying just from hearing his lover saying he was tired since he doesn’t know what kind of tired it was nor what caused it.

“Let’s get you well rested hmm? I’ll go set the AC on a comfortable temperature and we’ll just nap. Do you want to eat anything, lovey?” Changkyun asked as he tried to steady his voice when Hyungwon held his hand using his cold ones as he shook his head, still leaning on his shoulder. He swallowed the lump on his throat as he nodded, holding the cold hand to warm it up. 

“Okay! That’s okay, we’ll eat later yeah? Let’s go to sleep for now.” Changkyun assists Hyungwon to lay down back on the bed afterwards, discarding the other articles of clothing he used earlier when Minhyuk changed Hyungwon’s shirt, as he was going down the bed to set the AC to warm, Hyungwon held his hand as if trying to stop him from going. Changkyun was quick to stop to look at his lover with concern but Hyungwon was also quick to let go of his hand as if he was about to say something but went against himself and just offered Changkyun a small smile with a weak apology. 

“Sorry…”

“I’ll just increase the temp, hyungie. Your room will turn into a freezer!” Changkyun murmurs as he was the one who held his lover's hand as he did, giving it a light squeeze before he quickly does the task. 

Once he was done, Changkyun settled back on the bed to enclose Hyungwon in his warmth. On a regular day months ago, Hyungwon would be the one to have Changkyun snuggled on his chest as they napped but this time, Hyungwon was the one whose head was resting on the crook of Changkyun’s neck as Changkyun wraps his arms around him. When Changkyun was drifting in and out of consciousness due to his sleepiness, he was able to slightly shift from his position but the same movement has caused his lover to flinch, clutching on his shirt before releasing, always having second thoughts with whatever he was thinking of and doing. Once he settled again, they were both quiet, the only sound to be heard was the hum of the air conditioning unit. Changkyun was about to fall asleep again when he heard Hyungwon murmur as if was dreaming.

“...We’re okay…right?”

“...Please, don’t leave me…” 

The only confirmation that Changkyun had that he was in fact not dreaming, were the tears that were starting to drench his shirt as his tall lover started to weep again. The sleepiness was washed away in an instant as the words registered in his brain, having an inkling of the situation ever since their little incident at the fansign months back, but Changkyun had a feeling it went farther than that and was only seeing the severity of the effects now. The guilt that settled in his chest was heavy but he pulls Hyungwon impossibly closer to him to place a kiss on the crown of his head as he murmurs,

“I love you, Hyungwon. I won’t ever leave you.” 

+++

It went on like that for a couple of days. No one forced Hyungwon to talk about the incident the day after seeing as Hyungwon was trying to act like the episode didn’t happen at all. Changkyun tried to reschedule some of his activities with his company so he could spend time with Hyungwon but his lover told him not to since it’ll be just a short time until he goes on vacation himself. 

“It’ll be just a couple more schedules, Kyun-ah. Don’t rearrange your schedule; it'll only take you a longer time. Finish it as planned and don’t worry too much about us, we won’t be flying internationally for vacation until you finish.” 

“But hyungie! Our last proper date was literally half a year ago!” He whined just so he could see the reaction it would produce from his boyfriend.

Hyungwon laughed at him before he pats the side of his face as if talking to a kid. “What’s a little more waiting, right? Six months have passed since our proper date and you’ll have only a few more weeks of scheduled activities! It’ll be over in no time.” Hyungwon says before he stands up from the bed, the other half of the dorm have made an impromptu sleepover at the snoring dorm for an indefinite time in the guise of spending their vacation ‘like the old times’ but it was just so they could monitor and look after Hyungwon knowing the latter will act like he is now, like nothing happened. 

+++

From: Changkyunnie

To: Minhyuk-hyung

Minhyukie-hyung, I think I know why he spiraled down horribly again.

Minhyuk was quick to show his phone to Kihyun and Jooheon who were with him in the snoring dorm living room. Hyungwon has chosen to stay in his room for the meantime as Shownu returned to his duty work whilst Changkyun was on his way back to the mentioned dorm after finishing his schedule for the day. 

From: Minhyuk-hyung

To: Changkyunnie

Well??

What is it??

Tell us

From: Changkyunnie

To: Minhyuk-hyung

It’s just a thought but I’ll confirm it with Hyungwon and tell it to the others.

From: Minhyuk-hyung

To: Changkyunnie

Are you sure you want to ask Wonnie about it now? Isn’t it a little bit early? It’s only been a week since his episode after many years?

From: Changkyunnie

To: Minhyuk-hyung

I’ll have to find out

Later on at night, Hyungwon was on his bed working on his laptop when his lover called his attention by leaning on his shoulder and side hugging him and peering up at him from his lashes.

“Are you busy, lovey?” He asked as if it wasn’t obvious. Hyungwon chuckles before he presses a few buttons on his laptop before using one hand to wrap around his cat lover’s shoulder.

“Just making a few demos, love. Why? Is there something wrong?” Hyungwon asked, concerned. Sometimes Changkyun still stares in awe at how much it’s almost a natural thing for Hyungwon to act normal after an episode, like nothing happened. 

Changkyun bites his lip in worry before he goes straight to the point. “Hyungwon, about last week.”

“It’s stupid.” Hyungwon was quick to counter, not wanting to have the conversation as he averted his gaze but not letting go of his lover before he continued, “Don’t think about it.”

“But Hyungie! It’s not stupid when it concerns you! When it affects you!” Changkyun exclaimed as he broke free from the arm around him so he could semi-lean on his lover, caging his lover between his arms as he looked at him in the eyes. 

“It’s stupid, Kyun-ah. Don’t worry about that episode, I can handle it.” 

“You spiraled down again in a full attack last week after not having any for how many years now! How can I not worry when it’s about my lover’s well being!?” Changkyun says as he stares at Hyungwon’s eyes as if to challenge or refute what he said. Hyungwon stares right back before relenting, not wanting to end their day with them fighting. 

“Fine. what about it?” 

Now that Hyungwon’s attention was on him, Changkyun was suddenly at a loss of words, suddenly unable to form sentences. How does he confront his lover without sounding like he’s assuming everything and not insinuating anything shallow about his boyfriend. 

“That time at the fancon…” Changkyun started although he doesn’t know why he led with that when it was beside the main point but it was niggling at him. The confused expression was reflected on Hyungwon’s phase but remained silent as he continued. “When you asked if there was something in your eye and I snapped at you, I wasn’t really mad or annoyed, Hyungie.”

“I know that, Kyunnie. What does that have to do with anything?” Hyungwon continued to don his confused expression.

“Because you were hurt!” Changkyun says as he felt his eyes sting with tears threatening to fall before he looks at his lover again as he sat properly on his lap, the laptop long gone to their side. 

“Because you were zoning out of practice the days and meetings prior to that, you were starting to close in on yourself and not let anyone in that’s why you’ve been zoning out, why you’re oddly quiet, why I saw the flash of hurt in your eyes during fancon but you smiled it off like it was nothing and I’m sorry, Hyungwon. I really am. I should’ve noticed it from the first time you were uncharacteristically quiet in that interview from our second album that we released this year!” Changkyun’s voice cracked as his tears fell, looking down after as the guilt and shame was crawling on his throat as he spilled out his observations and how he glued it together. 

Hyungwon engulfs him in a hug as he brings his sobbing lover to his chest and sighs, rubbing his back comfortingly. “Don’t cry, Kyunnie. It’s alright. We’re busy with our schedules both in the group and in solo work, don’t be guilty about doing your job.” 

“But we work together , Hyung! We’re in one group yet it’s like I spent more time with the others than you…” Changkyun still continued to sob as he felt silly, he was supposed to confront Hyungwon but ended with the waterworks as he felt his chest heavy with guilt, when was the last time they even had a proper date to themselves?  

“What triggered the episode, hyungie?” Changkyun murmurs on the crook of his lover’s neck. He’s long stopped crying and they were both just snuggled together when he asked. 

“I told you, Kyun-ah. It’s stupid. Okay? I was just tired and all these things going on and it sounds petty and childish but I felt…insecure about it for a long time and I just felt…worthless…but it's all good! Don’t worry about it already.” Hyungwon’s reason wasn’t enough to placate the guilt his lover was feeling, if it was possible, it only made it worse and it confused him, Changkyun feels like he’s missing something about what Hyungwon was saying. 

“Hyung…what made you insecure?” 

“Nothing… just something on the internet and it just…triggered I guess, so yeah. Don’t mind it tho. I’m not touching my phone for the time being so yeah.” 

“Hyung…”

“I’m gonna sleep early, Kyun-ah. You should too, you still have a schedule tomorrow. Okay? Good night.” Hyungwon dismisses easily as he places his lover back on the bed before turning to the other side to sleep. 

Changkyun can only sigh to himself before he goes to snuggle behind his lover and give him a hug from behind and a kiss on the base of his neck.

“Good night, Hyungie. I love you.” 

~~~~~~

“Something’s not right. Like I’m missing something to connect everything.” Changkyun says one time as the three of them return to their dorm to do their laundry and grab more clothes. Both Kihyun and Minhyuk looked at the maknae and raised their eyebrows at him.

“What do you mean by missing? To what?” Kihyun asked as the three were slowly gathering more items in their living room to take to the other dorm.

“Hyungwonnie’s episode. He says it’s petty and he randomly encountered the trigger on the internet and then it just hit him full force. But it must be some kind of accumulation of events that caused him to spiral down like that. It can’t be just some one time thing.” Changkyun explains as he tries to rack his brain about events that could happen in between their hectic schedules that would be similar to what he saw on the internet? 

“Now that you mentioned it, I never see him hold or use his phone ever since his recent episode. It’s a good thing for him too, I guess, so he’d stay away from any possible triggers.” Minhyuk supplies as he starts to zip his bag closed.

“It’s also good that he doesn’t have any more schedules and the drama filming ended already. He can get all the rest he needs. If we need to contact him, we can message Joo or Shownu-hyung.” Kihyun adds as he looks at the fridge if there’s anything he can make quickly to be brought to the other dorm. 

“Don’t worry too much, Kyun-ah. We’ll ask him for you while you go on your schedules, or have Minhyukie here snoop through Hyungwon’s phone.”

“HEY!” 

“You’re his best friend, he’ll most likely let you use his phone without questioning.” Kihyun explains before he looks at Minhyuk as if knowing, “and besides it’s not like you’ll pass on a chance to know since the information is presented to you already.” 

“You’re crazy, Yoo! That’s my best friend you’re talking about!!”

“And you’re his snoopy best friend who likes to knock senses in him ever since.” 

“You both literally make no sense.” Changkyun says as he closed his own bag and rolled his eyes at his hyungs as he continued to think before Minhyuk slings an arm around him.

“Don’t worry Changkyunnie, I’ll check on Wonnie and tell you about it.”

“Just…just don’t force him.” 

“Baby, he's been my best friend for how many years. A literal platonic soulmate, don’t worry about reminding me, I know him.” 

+++

True to his words, Minhyuk was able to wrangle his best friend by spending some time with him and telling him how Changkyun is still worried about what he saw on the internet and he’s concerned that it may happen again.

“You haven’t been touching your phone ever since the episode and it’s fine Wonnie. But maybe you can at least tell me what you saw or let me see your phone so I know how to help you with this. We've been best friends for more than a decade now and besides Changkyun and the rest, you know I’m worried about you too.” 

“It’s immature and shallow of me, Min. don’t mind it.” Hyungwon says with a sigh. Minhyuk vehemently shakes his head, not taking his best friend’s answer.

“Don’t say something stupid like that. I’d accept it if we didn’t know each other for most of our lives but we shared a bed and a flimsy blanket and meals already, whatever reason that may be, you know I’m here for you.” 

“Yeah yeah. You and your gaslighting shit or whatever. Just… it’s just that it’s immature and childish of me to that be my trigger.” Hyungwon only rolled his eyes at him before he handed his phone to Minhyuk whose eyes glimmered with unkempt excitement. 

The shine in his eyes dimmed down though upon opening Hyungwon’s phone and going face to face with a tweet from a shipper that has labeled Hyungwon as the ‘tall man’ and he wants to laugh at his best friend to be honest, but remembering the state Hyungwon was in just two weeks ago stopped him from the thought of cackling, knowing how it feels to be labeled and reduced to your physical features and not your talents (aka being ‘just a visual’ that both of them experienced before) he casts a glance at his best friend who glanced at his phone screen as he chuckled emptily before he continued watching the drama on his laptop. 

Minhyuk glanced back down on the tweet, knowing his best friend isn’t that petty just because it’s talking about Changkyun, his boyfriend , and Kihyun, his bandmate and friend. So he exits the app and checks the other opened apps and clicks on Naver and saw the Hyungwon’s search history for the past six months and saw how Hyungwon had been searching about the signs if their partner if falling out of love for them or if their partner is falling for a friend, there were also searches about feeling alright with your friends teasing you about stealing their partner and the said partner just laughing it off. There were also searches regarding what he feels about the situation he was in was petty or childish, and some of those faux positive affirmations but were only words that gaslight the searcher about what they feel. The recent most abundant in the search was on how to tell how worse an anxiety or panic attack is and how to stop it from being noticed, which was all he searched about for the last month. It’s been clear to Minhyuk now that Hyungwon’s episode isn’t just a trigger of a single tweet, it’s a tipping point of recurrent situations and bouts of worthlessness and unwantedness that caused him to doubt himself, his partner, and his worth as a person, performer, and lover. Minhyuk goes back to the search history and the searches started when they continuously teased Hyungwon in stealing Changkyun away so they can have the number one spot as the youngest’s number one hyung. He quickly returns the app back on twitter to the same tweet and stares at it again before he looks back at his best friend who was obviously ignoring him. 

“YAH! Lee Minhyuk!?” Hyungwon exclaims, shocked that the said person has flung his phone on the other side of the bed before he slams against Hyungwon to wrap his arms around him in a hug. 

“You stupid stupid turtle! Why didn’t you tell any of us? Why didn’t you tell me that this was how you were feeling all this time?” Minhyuk accuses as he continues to snuggle his best friend to his chest, voice snarky before it turns serious and he hugs Hyungwon tighter. 

“I’m sorry, Hyungwon-ah. We’re sorry. We got so used to teasing each other that we didn’t notice that we were crossing the line and hurted you. And you’ve been keeping it to yourself for so long, you’re not petty or immature, you were hurt and all that happened for the past six months made you insecure and unsure of your worth and we’re sorry, I’m sorry. I should’ve noticed it when you weren’t fighting to be the number one hyung. Minmin’s sorry, Wonnie.” Minhyuk apologizes sincerely as he still engulfs his best friend in his arms as he feels the guilt in his chest. 

Hyungwon only sighs but he hugs Minhyuk back, patting him lightly. “It’s alright, Min. It was petty and it happened already. And I should’ve talked to Changkyun about it anyway.” Minhyuk hushes him as he moves back to glare at the turtle in his arms. 

“It wasn’t petty. These so-called fans are pairing your boyfriend with a friend! And it's Kihyun of all the members! Yikes. Those delusional shippers should know their place, they should be a fan first before they could even think of their pairing. You’re not just some ‘tall dude’ or whatever, you’re Monsta X’s Chae Hyungwon! Producer, model, DJ, artist, dancer, singer, rapper, and Im Changkyun’s boyfriend!” Minhyuk ends his litany with a huff. Hyungwon only cackles at him saying he’s full of shit. His best friend only hugs him as he littered kisses on his face like a puppy. 

+++

Changkyun was stuck in traffic on the way back to the snoring dorm after his solo schedule. He was watching tonight’s episode of Vogue Ship Show and it was all good. Tonight, Minhyuk had another idol guest as they were painting and chatting. A question was on the prompter that Minhyuk asked his guest. 

“What about you, Hongjoong-ssi? Have you and the group encountered any fans that are not sasaengs but may as well be…imaginative? Of you and the members?” Minhyuk asked Hongjoong, the leader of ATEEZ and his current guest for tonight. 

“You mean delusional?” Hongjoong asked bluntly which had Minhyuk taken aback, as well as Changkyun and the rest of the viewers if the comment sections were any indication of it. 

Minhyuk only laughed after they both recovered from the laugh that they shared. “Yes, that’s one way to call it. How do you guys handle the ‘delusional’ fans that project on you and the members? Do you set boundaries with them or tell them no when they joked or teased something that feels like crossing the line?” 

“We cannot fully control them but our real atinys know when they shouldn’t say anything or project anything on us. I mean, it’s supposed to be common knowledge for people? They don’t need to be a fan of a certain group or be bluntly told not to if you’re a rational minded person.” Hongjoong explained lengthily, tone conversational and light. Minhyuk couldn’t help but agree. 

“Aish. Those are very real and spot on! You are a person before you are a fan of course! As for our monbebe, our real ones are those who support us and enjoy our music and show their creative side AND knows their boundaries and limits. Our real monbebes love and respect all of our members and our privacy and would not project baseless claims and delusions on us and claim it to be something factual when it’s not,” Minhyuk replied, also conversational even though he was interchanging from looking at Hongjoong and the camera. 

The comment section were once again on fire as both atinys and monbebes agreed to what the two idols said before calling out openly those fans who project their imaginations on the members and claim it to be factual and true. 

Changkyun has an eyebrow raised as the segment finished, knowing that whatever those two said on the show had a hidden meaning behind it. He grabs his phone as their group chat blasts, teasing Minhyuk from the words he said on that episode. He decided to just privately text him as the van entered the street that would take him to the dorm. 

From: Changkyunnie

To: Minhyuk-hyung

What was that about? 

From: Minhyuk-hyung

To: Changkyunnie

Check Hyungwon’s phone. You’ll know.

When Changkyun returned to the dorm, he was greeted with his lover on the couch just lazily staring at the tv as Netflix is open on the screen playing a drama, looking up to smile and beckon him over, his phone just casually placed beside him on the couch. Changkyun smiles back at him as he dives in his arms, grabbing his lover’s phone so he wouldn’t be able to sit on it. 

“Hello, love.” Hyungwon greets as he places a kiss on his lover’s forehead. Changkyun giggles before he looks up at him and places a chaste kiss on his lips. 

“Hello, my lovey! Are the others still out on their schedules?” Hyungwon hums as he nodded, answering the question his boyfriend asked as his eyes returned to the drama playing, hand unconsciously playing with the hair on the back of Changkyun’s head. 

Changkyun only lays his head on Hyungwon’s chest as he side hugged him with one arm, the other hand holding his lover’s phone and whining when his face wasn’t recognized on the face id.

“Why is my face not recognized?!” Changkyun whined with a pout when the phone suddenly opened as he did. Hyungwon laughs at the aghast expression on his face.

“You’re always pouting that when you registered your face, it remembered when you were whining.” Hyungwon says as his laughter turns to chuckles. Changkyun only pouted further before he turns to the phone in his hand again and pouts at it to open it, coming face to face with an opened tweet on twitter, the emotion on his face drops.

Hyungwon, upon seeing the same tweet again and seeing Changkyun staring at it, decides that he had enough of it and grabs the phone to delete the app altogether. 

“Hyungwon…is that why–”

“It’s nothing. Changkyun-ah.” 

“But Minhyuk-hyung said—”

“Ah. so you two have been planning this huh? Is this some kind of ambush? I told him to stop worrying about it, it’s fine. The same as I told you.” 

“That’s not what I mean, Wonnie. It’s just that…I know this is an accumulation of what’s been happening with you for the past few months but Wonnie, you are not what these people on the internet are saying! You’re not just some tall guy, lovey. But I need more context on why it—”

“Because we barely had time, Changkyun-ah! It’s so stupid that this worthless tweet from some random shipper has completely tipped me off WHEN IT WAS JUST THE RIBBON ON TOP ON HOW I FELT THE PAST SIX MONTHS. AND IT’S STUPID. OKAY?! IT’S STUPID BECAUSE I KEEP MAKING MY OWN PROBLEMS WHEN THERE SHOULDN’T EVEN BE ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE IF I JUST TALKED.” Hyungwon suddenly bursts, tired of all that was happening and how the people were threading around him as if he’s some wild animal they’re trying to approach. He heaves heavily feeling his chest ache but light the slightest bit from the burden. 

“It’s stupid because it’s affecting all of you when I should’ve just kept it close to me…it wasn’t supposed to show! There isn’t even supposed to be a problem. You had nothing to do with this Changkyun-ah it’s all me.” Hyungwon says with a tired voice, giving him a tired smile as his eyes watered. 

Changkyun is confused, he still feels lost on what the entire center is. 

“Hyungwon, wha—”

“I felt…insecure and jealous. It’s petty, I know. But it really started with the teasings and the number one hyung ranking. It was all fun and games, really. We tease each other all the time…” Hyungwon started as he sat back down on the couch, looking at Changkyun who was standing in front of him, his jittery and anxious energy not allowing him to sit down. 

“But alongside the teasings of the others of them stealing you away from me and the schedules not working for us…we barely had time to meet outside of schedule and when we do it’s always lacking and suddenly I feel like i’m in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who’s also my band-mate and just lives in a different dorm than me.” Hyungwon looks down, ashamed as he runs his hand through his hair then rubbing his face. 

“It should be fine because we’re used to this! This is our line of work and I’m not jealous of anything because I know this may happen. But all these people around you who are also around me too are able to be with you yet I can’t and these people who claim to be fans but just post anything for the benefit of their delusional fantasies but I can’t blame them! It’s always about the fans because we have to pacify them or what would be left of us? I feel childish and immature because I feel like a bystander in my own relationship and you seem fine with whatever’s happening with us and I try my best to be understanding about everything because we’re mature individuals but I'm so tired of getting nagged by my own mind. Because no matter how I try, I still feel unwanted, replaceable, talentless, it’s literally just me and my head and maybe you ARE better of without me because if anything I’m just some childish 29 year old who can’t win against his insecurities, how can I possibly be able to protect you if I can’t even protect myself?” 

The quiet that followed after that was deafening. Why does Changkyun feel like he went a hundred steps back when he was already near the finish line? The guilt was crawling up his throat and he tries to call out to Hyungwon but he feels his voice will crack if he does so he just watches his lover make his own interpretation of the silence before Hyungwon just smiles at him tiredly and stands up. 

“I’ll go to my room. Please stop worrying about me, the three of you don’t have to stay here if it’s too much of a hassle to you three and I already said what I wanted to say, what you wanted to hear so please. Don’t worry, I'm alright.” Hyungwon says as he hugged his lover, giving him a kiss on the forehead after pulling away. 

“And please. Can you and Minhyuk stop nosing through my phone, please?” 

The moment the door to Hyungwon’s door clicks shut is when the tears fell from Changkyun's eyes. Why does it feel like it went wrong in the worst possible way? He tries to stop them from falling as he recalls what his lover confessed to him, how insignificant he felt all this time and he just swallows it down just because he feels petty and childish when he’s more of a hyung than him. Does Hyungwon think he doesn’t miss him? 

When the rest of the members returned, they saw Changkyun just staring at the ceiling as he laid on the couch whilst Hyungwon was still in his room, the place was quiet as if they’re in their own world. Minhyuk and the rest make their way on the couch to ask Changkyun what happened, the others already briefed on what’s been going on with Hyungwon.

“Changkyun-ah, what happened? Have you talked with Hyungwon? Have you seen the contents of his phone?” 

“I didn’t need to…Hyungwon told me how he felt. All I saw was that tweet labeling him as the “tall guy” fucking delusional.” Changkyun says with a scoff at the end. 

“Okay…but did he tell you it was just the tipping point of how he felt for half a year?” Minhyuk further inquired. Changkyun looked at him with a confused expression but talked anyway.

“He said he felt insecure and childish for wanting to spend more time with me. Hyung…Hyungwon said he felt like he was a bystander in his own relationship and that it seemed fine to me that we lack time in meeting in private for dates since our schedules are just hectic.” Changkyun starts, tears welling up when he says how his lover felt. “He said he isn’t jealous of anyone nor does he blame anyone other than himself because he feels it's unfair that we’re surrounded by the same set of people yet those people get to be with me yet he can’t! He sees that I’m fine with it so his mind bullies him to think that he’s easily replaceable and unlikeable! Can you believe that!?” Changkyun continued with a laugh although his tears were falling.

“He doesn’t even blame me since he’s used to how we live already and what the nature of our work demands from us! Do you know how sick that makes me feel!? My own lover was suffering alone in the darkness of his mind whilst acting like he was fine when I could’ve been there to help him! I didn’t even notice when it started until it’s too late and he spiraled down in an attack again!” Changkyun was talking a mile a minute, voice low and high, tears continuously falling as his head was reeling to all the times Hyungwon had been uncharacteristically quiet during shoots or practice, when his usual teasing banter with the others lessened to only until there are cameras, when he was starting to zone out and close in on himself. It was all making sense and the guilt in his body doubled as he tried to recall when was the last time he initiated skinship with his lover, when was the last time he seeked for him even when the cameras aren’t rolling; looking back, all the initiative to meet or date or even just text were all from Hyungwon and he’s the one to respond late whether it be due to schedule or Changkyun just completely forgets. 

“I should’ve known something wasn’t okay when he texted me to ask if our relationship was okay…” Changkyun said, voice barely above a whisper as he looked at his members, all looking as crestfallen as he felt.

Minhyuk smiled at him sadly before he went to hug their maknae, the rest following suit. “We’re all at fault. No one noticed when it wasn’t a normal reaction from Hyungwon anymore, and we continued to tease him without noticing we were crossing the line already.” 

Their vacation schedule was temporarily interrupted since they had to do one more offsite fansign and the members are carefully threading the waters around Hyungwon who acts like everything is normal, so they act like that as well. 

During this fansign, everyone was suddenly cheery and fresh, each donning a beige or white ensemble. Minhyuk and Hyungwon were horsing around and the fans loved it. They received gifts from the bebes and were able to interact with them. One of the fans gave Changkyun a Sylvanian cat toy and during their ment, fans were able to see how the maknae was playing with it which got them as well as the members cooing. 

Changkyun and Hyungwon were sitting in front side by side and the fans were delighted when they saw how Changkyun was still playing with the small toy before placing it precariously on Hyungwon’s crossed leg by the knee, the motion had everyone cooing even further especially when the taller didn’t make a move to remove the toy nor did he looked shocked that it happened, Changkyun can’t help but let out a gleeful giggle and a grin so wide as he showed the fans his work, pointing at the cat on his lover’s knee. 

But as soon as the fansign ends and the last of the fans exit the venue, Hyungwon removes the cat from his knee and gives it to his lover, giving him a small smile before uncrossing his legs and heading backstage as he thanked the staff as he goes. Changkyun can only look at the small toy in his palm, the cat weighing heavier than it feels in his hand. 

After that fansign and the last of Changkyun’s schedule for the month, the group continued with their vacation. They’re all hanging out with each other, sometimes meeting other friends or catching up on some drama and sleep. Hyungwon joins them and they’re all acting like the events from three weeks ago didn’t happen, especially when Hyungwon’s acting like the confrontations and spiral didn’t happen. 

“You know, why don’t we talk to Hyungwon? Get the both of you talking? The pining is killing us,” Kihyun suggested one time as Minhyuk and Changkyun were playing games on their computer, they returned to their respective dorms with Hyungwon’s insistence that he’s alright. Minhyuk says that it won’t work before he screams in victory as he beats Changkyun in the game again. 

“And why not?” Kihyun asked his fellow 9311, an eyebrow raised when both of his dorm-mates turned from their gaming chairs to face him. 

“It’s meddling in their relationship, you know. This is something they need to talk about together without force or anyone listening aside from the both of them. Wonnie felt insecure about himself because he doesn’t feel like he has any worth in the relationship when the schedules got tighter and they saw each other less. Other people get to be with Changkyunnie except him and it’s not that he’s prideful, but it took me a long time to break Hyungwon out of his pessimistic self when we were younger, so it’s hard to blame him for feeling that way.” Minhyuk explained casually yet lengthily. 

“It’d be worse for both him and Changkyun if we intervened, he’d think that Changkyunnie’s asking for our help instead of just using the free time as an opportunity for them to talk and reconcile.” 

“You seem very sure of it, Minhyuk-ah.” Kihyun comments after contemplating. Minhyuk only laughs heartily, head thrown back at the backrest of the gaming chair.

“We’ve been friends for more than a decade and we lived together pre-debut. I’m literally his best friend. I should know.” Minhyuk says proudly before both he and Kihyun turned to the maknae who was quiet throughout the conversation.

“It’s your call now, Kyunnie. Hyungwon did his part.”

+++

Changkyun made use of their short vacation and invited Hyungwon on a date, the first after so many months of hectic schedules and miscommunication. They had lunch at the chicken restaurant they frequent after going to the gym before and they fall into a conversation as if everything’s fine, asking each other how their day was and how was work, if they planned to go to the gym afterwards and what would be their target for that day. 

“Do you wanna have coffee, Kkungie?” Hyungwon asked as they exited the restaurant. Changkyun looped his arm around his lover’s arm and nodded before pulling him to the opposite street. 

“Let’s go to this new cafe I saw a few weeks ago! It’s just two blocks away if I remember correctly, the food looks good when I check their menu online!” Hyungwon chuckles as he smiles at his lover fondly, who looks overly excited to eat again for someone who just ate a heavy meal. 

The cafe wasn’t overly crowded when they arrived, it was just the right amount considering it was a weekend. They placed their orders before they sat on a table near the window. As they waited for their orders to be served, the two enjoyed the silence between them as they people-watch from the window and from inside the cafe.

“ It’s been weeks since Hyungwonnie-oppa posted on fancafe or the group’s twitter account, I miss him!”

The two glanced at the direction where the voice came from, it was from two friends seated a couple of tables away from them. Changkyun chuckles when the friend also whined how she’s jealous of the other members since they get to be with Hyungwon while she has to buy multiple albums to get a chance to win a fansign.

“Hyungie, did you hear that? I can’t say that they’re wrong though, but I’m more jealous of Shownu-hyung and honey since they get to live in the same dorm as you.” Changkyun whispered to him as he grabbed his tall lover’s hand from across the table, his thumb caressing Hyungwon’s knuckles. 

Hyungwon chuckles back before he turns his occupied hand on the table so Changkyun can slot his fingers in between. 

“You’re full of shit, Changkyun.” Said person only wiggled his eyebrows at him as they laughed.

“I would’ve stayed until vacation’s over but you keep telling me to go home, hyungie. What if I want to sleep in your arms or have you spoon me or bend me or—“

“Changkyun, oh my go—“

“—or kiss me senseless until my lips get erased or swollen. What if I wanted to make up to you for all the times I neglected you? What if I wanted to hold your hand more or just have you near me as we enjoy the silence, as I do my best to assure you that you have me always, in all ways. What if I wanted to hear all what you have to say, all that you feel; good or bad. What if I wanted to stick around more to say that I did miss you too, hyungie. So much, so much.” The smile and laughter in Hyungwon’s voice was cut as Changkyun’s antics went from playful to serious as the maknae looked at him, guilt and regret and honesty swirling in his eyes as his gaze is fixed on his lover who’s trying to hide the shock on his face by the sudden confession. 

“I’m sorry if I neglected you these times, hyungie. It was never my intention to hurt you or make you feel as if you’re worthless. I’m sorry if I failed to see the signs you were shutting in on yourself and we were crossing the lines that protected yourself. I’m sorry if you ever felt replaceable or unwanted. I…I’m not as mature nor sensible as you think.” Changkyun continued as he looked at Hyungwon, trying to reign in on himself so his voice wouldn’t quiver as he felt his eyes sting when he saw Hyungwon’s tears. 

“You aren’t petty or immature, Wonnie, it was how you felt all this time and I’m sorry for causing it, for not assuring you that I’ll always choose you. It’s besides the point of fanservice and I’m—“ It was Changkyun’s turn to be cut off mid confession when the buzzer on their table lit indicating that their drinks were ready. They both wiped and hid their faces before heading to the claiming counter and moving to the empty park nearby. 

There was silence again as they both sat on the swing and stared out as they sip on their drinks. Hyungwon turned to his lover when he spoke again.

“Minhyuk-hyung told me all that he saw on your phone for the past six months, I’m so—“

“Kyun-ah, if you’re gonna say sorry again, don’t. Please . Please stop apologizing, I already said that it’s alright and I meant it. Don’t blame this solely on yourself when we both know I have self-destructive tendencies too. Can we please move on now? I’m really tired of this already, it’s been going on and on.” Hyungwon says lightly but seriously as he looks at his lover as if to prove a point.

“These whatever I have is—”

“Is equally important and valid. It’s how you feel, Wonnie-ah.Please don’t down play what you feel. If it affects you, if it keeps you up at night, if it bothers you, if it makes you second guess and doubt yourself.” Changkyun cuts in before sighing, staring back at Hyungwon and giving him a small sad smile, reaching out to hold his hand again.

“Please tell me if you ever feel like this again, hyungie.” Changkyun begs as he squeezed his hand to send the message across. “You know I love to take care of you just as much as you do with me and it hurts me whenever you suffer an episode without me knowing what happened or what triggered you or if I was the one who did. I want you here and we need you here to stay with us. I love you, Hyungwon.”

Hyungwon smiles at him before he chuckles and ducked his head as if bashful before he looks back at his lover again as he squeezed his hand back. 

“I love you, Changkyun. More than you can imagine.” 

Changkyun whined before giggling at the confession, as if it was his first time hearing it. Hyungwon laughed at his reaction before the said cat had made his way on his lap to wrap his arms around his neck to kiss him. Nevermind that they’re in an empty park, on a child swing. Hyungwon kissed him back after the initial shock, his free hand settling on his cat lover’s waist to keep him steady as the other still held on to the drink. When they parted for air, they both smiled at each other before Changkyun buried his face on Hyungwon’s neck.

“I missed you, Hyungie. So much”

“I missed you too, Kkungie.” 

Changkyun giggles again before he leans back and stares at him and places another peck on Hyungwon’s pillowy lips. 

“I love you, Hyungwon. I love you.” 

Hyungwon giggles back and surges forward to kiss him again to respond to his lover’s confession. 

They were in the dressing room of a music show, they’ve just finished pre-recording one of their stages and it’s a bit chilly in the early morning so everyone’s bundled up in padded jackets and are either sleeping or listlessly scrolling on their phones. Amidst the sea of black padded jackets stood Changkyun’s uncharacteristically neon green padded jacket, looking like a Mike Wazowski in a kid’s room. They teased him for it but it died down when the others napped. 

Changkyun was minding his own business, taking selcas on the dust speckled mirror when he spots his boyfriend just entering the dressing room and calls him over to take pictures. 

“What are the selcas for, baby?” Hyungwon would chuckle as they made peace signs, poking their cheeks and making pouty faces in the mirror as Changkyun clicked away on his phone.  

“It’s the new year! We always take selcas when it’s the new year!” Changkyun exclaimed, giggly as he did. Hyungwon chuckles at his cuteness.

“But we always take selcas, don’t we, baby?” Hyungwon asked as he wrapped his black padded jacket-covered arm around his lover who looked like a highlighter.  

“Yeah! But we never post them you know! What about our fans! We can’t let the ship sink! I won’t let it happen!” Changkyun mopes as he opens the instagram app whilst leaning back on his lover’s chest, still snuggled and warm.

“Kyun-ah, the fans literally think you’re a kihyun-bias.” Hyungwon says as he watches Changkyun switch back and forth between his camera roll and instagram. 

“Yeah, but that’s fan service! If they knew I’m the president of the wonnibebes then they wouldn’t stand a chance against me. I’m just looking after them.” Changkyun replies off-handedly as he uploads a solo selca on his IG stories before switching to Hyungwon’s account to post their selcas together. 

“Cute! We look so cute, lovey!” Changkyun says as he stared at his work when it was indicated that the story was done uploading and the notification pops up on the top of his screen that his lover posted something on his instagram story. 

“Did you just upload the selcas we took on my instagram?” Hyungwon asked with a laugh as Changkyun looked way too proud to be sorry for anything. 

“It’s the only selca I’m willing to share…for now.” Changkyun said with a laugh, as if scheming something diabolical. 

Hyungwon only chuckles alongside him before he tightens his hug on the maknae. 

“So baby,” He starts with a whisper once the laughter dies down. “Who’s your number one hyung?” 

Changkyun giggles as he looks up and hums, as if contemplating for the answer, a finger under his chin in thought as he uses his other hand to tap on the arms wrapped around him. When it took him longer than ten seconds to think, Hyungwon was about to let go of him when Changkyun full on laughed as he pulled his lover back to wrap his arms around him, turning on his own so Changkyun can wrap his own arms around his tall lover’s neck. 

“Maybe for today it’s you, because you’re so cute, hyungie!” 

“Only just for today?” Hyungwon teased back as he pouted down on his lover. Changkyun only giggled before he went on his toes to place a chaste kiss on the pout. 

“Only you. All day, everyday, hyungie!” Changkyun says with a cute smile of his own, his dimple coming out as he did. 

Hyungwon smiles as he tightens his hold around him to bring him closer, his cheeks almost spilling out the corners. Changkyun coos and pokes on his cheek with a giggle. 

“Cute. I love you, hyungie.” Changkyun murmurs as he places loud kisses on his lover’s cheeks, a giggle erupting out of his own mouth everytime he does. 

“Ugh. you guys are disgusting, please. I’m about to barf.” Kihyun said as Minhyuk made gagging noises while Jooheon laughed. 

“Shut the fuck up, Yoo-rat.” 

“Make me, Chae.” 

The others only laughed as they shook their heads.