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The thing about falling in love with someone you’ve grown up with, someone you spend almost every day with…well, it’s difficult to realise that you are in love. Like, love love.
And Namjoon loves his members. Loves all of them, of course he does. Each of them have their own traits that he adores about them; their own talents, their own quirks. They’re everything to him: his members, colleagues, best friends, his roommates, his family. He’s spent his life ever since he turned eighteen falling in love with them over and over. They all know it wasn’t easy at first, and there were countless times where they fought over the most ridiculous things, where they’d disagree on how a track should sound, where they gave feedback that maybe had hurt another person’s feelings.
Their love for each other took a lot of work, Namjoon knows. Everything about the seven of them has been hard work, but he knows for sure that no matter how many times he has fleeting thoughts of whether it was worth it, he knows it was worth it; and he’d never want it any other way or with six other people by his side.
Throughout the past few years of spending so much time with only men, he was bound to have a crush on one of them. He’s certain it’s common knowledge that he was besotted with Yoongi a few years ago. He knew it was never reciprocated, and knew that he and Yoongi cared far too much about the group and their future to ever consider a relationship, even if Yoongi did have feelings for him. (Hoseok insisted he did, but Namjoon put that down to the fact that Hoseok also had a crush on Yoongi and was shielding himself from disappointment. Cue the two of them still dancing around each other to this day. Yoongi definitely has feelings for Hoseok.)
Of course, as the group grows, their schedules become a daily exhaustion. An exhaustion to the point where the idea of doing anything other than waking up, showering, working out and going to work or practice, is just too tiring to be enjoyable. There are always moments where Namjoon’s in bed alone where he wonders, craves, what would it be like to be able to hold someone as they sleep in his arms.
And he knows, albeit a little strange coming from him, that if he were to ask one of the more physically affectionate members to let him cuddle them to sleep, they would jump at the opportunity. But god, he’s awkward, and he’s also far too scared to do that.
So yeah, he’s lonely, but also so far from it. It’s a weird thought to process.
Namjoon wonders if he’s coming down with something. Considers the possibility that his loneliness is far more serious than he originally thought it was, because while he has absolutely had thoughts about whether his feelings about his members are more than just platonic (apart from his crush on Yoongi, which was his confirmation that he’s definitely not straight), he thinks he’s certain he’s never felt more than pure adoration, awe and endearment for Jungkook.
So when Jungkook smiles at him with those big, gorgeous eyes, and he feels his heart skip a beat momentarily, his world stops for a moment. He’s been on the receiving end of that smile countless times. Jungkook loves Namjoon, and Namjoon knows that. Their relationship is complicated, even to Namjoon himself, but he’s always known for sure that no matter how awkward they can be together sometimes, he’d do anything to protect and be there for Jungkook for the rest of their lives.
The encounter flips his world upside down.
He hasn’t felt like that for a while, and it being Jungkook bringing about these feelings is making Namjoon feel even more confused.
Loving Jungkook isn’t something Namjoon is against by any means. He loves him so much already, the idea of it being something more makes him smile a little to himself like a fool. It makes his cheeks flare up from embarrassment.
Jungkook?
He must be coming down with something.
Whatever lovesickness it is that he ends up coming down with seems to be lasting a very long time. Maybe it’s something that he can’t recover from. Any smile from Jungkook makes his heart feel funny and his brain wants to short-circuit. Namjoon worries that perhaps his new behaviour of giggling like an endeared habit whenever Jungkook says anything close to being funny is him being obvious about the change in his feelings. He notices that even Jungkook looks to him with a curious expression nowadays whenever he does it.
It gets even worse. He can’t deny it at this point. He has feelings for Jungkook, a crush. He hasn’t considered whether it’ll be reciprocated. He never knew how to navigate their relationship before, now it feels like completely unknown territories with Jungkook.
He tries to act as normal as possible, but it feels like everything reminds Namjoon of Jungkook. The two have always bonded over music, so recommendations aren’t a new thing. But nowadays, when Namjoon feels music, Jungkook is the other person that has now taken over the blurry figure that’d form in Namjoon’s head whenever a song he listened to made him feel like being in love. He thinks of Jungkook when he’s at the convenience store, when he’s in his studio, when he’s out to eat. He thinks about what doing these things would be like if he were with Jungkook.
Namjoon knows that if he were to invite him to do these things now, it’d be awkward. Even more so that he feels like his feelings for Jungkook are suffocating him to the point that he feels insanely unnatural whenever he’s around Jungkook. No one has mentioned it to him yet but he still worries.
It’s how he ends up knocking on Hoseok’s studio door when he notices his shoes on the mat next to it, how Hoseok scolds him for not just walking in, and how Hoseok dotes on him, asking him why he’s acting so strangely, coaxing him to sit down on the couch to talk.
“If hyung were to ask you to go on a date, would you worry too much about the team to do it?” Namjoon starts with. Hoseok’s eyes widen before he replies.
“I—I’d say yes. I trust the team and I trust hyung. He wouldn’t do anything he thought would jeopardise the team. Neither would I, and I don’t think anyone else would believe you would, too. Why?”
“I’m acting strange recently, aren’t I?”
"No…? I don’t think so?” Hoseok laughs, a slight edge to it. “What’s going on, Joon-ah?”
“I have feelings for someone and I don’t know whether the right thing to do is to act on them.” He admits.
“Yoongi hyung?”
Namjoon furrows his eyebrows and laughs slightly before shaking his head, “No! God, no. I got over those. He likes you, anyway, Hob-ah. I wouldn’t get in between the two of you like that.”
Hoseok waves him off. “That’s not important. Who is it, if you don’t mind me asking? I don’t even know if I could guess. I thought the only person on the team you’d have feelings for is Yoongi hyung. Or me?” He wiggles his eyebrows in jest.
“Well know that you mention it…” Namjoon jokes along, feeling his heartbeat quicken at the idea that someone other than him is going to know about his feelings for Jungkook.
“Jimin? I guess that would make sense—”
“No, it’s not him,” he interrupts.
“Taehyung?” Hoseok asks, “Jin hyung?”
“Please stop trying to guess,” Namjoon groans, running his hands down his face.
“Jungkook?” Hoseok whispers, like it’s a secret.
Namjoon’s throat is too tight to form words, so he just nods in response.
Hoseok makes a face that Namjoon has to ignore for his own good. If he overthinks it, it’ll scar him.
“I thought I was being really obvious about it.” Namjoon laughs self-consciously, rubbing the back of his neck.
“No.” Hoseok smiles. “I mean, you have been like, awkward with him, and laughing a lot at him, but you’ve always had a ridiculously soft spot for him, and you two have always been weird around each other. He’s a brat and you let him get away with it, always have. It’s nothing irregular, not to me, anyway.”
“I think he has noticed.”
“Really? Why?”
“He just looks at me funny when I laugh too much at him.”
“To be honest, I thought you were just in a good mood because you’d gotten laid or something.” Hoseok snickers. “Didn’t expect this to be the reason.”
“I hope Jungkook doesn’t think the same.”
“Cute.” Hoseok smiles. “That boy has been head over heels ever since he saw you rap for the first time years ago, I think he’ll be thrilled about this news. Are you going to ask him on a date?”
“Are you insane, Hob-ah?!”
“Why?!”
“It was never like…this kind of feeling from him.” Namjoon mumbles.
Hoseok blinks back at him.
“This boy dealt with you leaving your dirty socks over his perfectly clean room for years and still spoke about the entire thing with a giggle and stars in his eyes. You know if that were any one of us he would’ve put salt in our coke or some shit, right?”
It’s easier to deny it, and it would feel better to, Namjoon knows. But Hoseok is insistent, and even if he is right, Namjoon doesn’t want to delve any deeper into that. So he doesn’t.
He sighs. “I don’t know what I’ll do, to be honest.”
“Whatever you choose, I’m here for you. And I will kick your ass if you hurt him. We all will.”
“You think I won’t kick my own?” Namjoon laughs. Realises he feels a little lighter after the conversation, knowing that someone else knows. Saying it aloud makes it feel even more real.
He likes Jungkook. A lot.
The feelings are the worst for him late at night. He spends a lot of time awake, overthinking and listening to music that makes him yearn. He often thinks about how Jungkook would sound when he sings the songs that he loves to listen to the most, how he’d probably love them somehow even more if it were Jungkook’s voice.
Like he usually does when recommending music to Jungkook, he takes a screenshot of Only Then by Roy Kim and sends it in his and Jungkook’s chatroom.
Kim Namjoon: please cover this for me..
Jeon Jungkook: oh? hahaha
Jeon Jungkook: please wait a little
Kim Namjoon: this song is so good
Kim Namjoon: i listen to it at least 20 times a day
Jeon Jungkook: okay got it! haha
Namjoon feels a little panicked. Usually when he sends Jungkook song recommendations, he doesn’t get a quick response. Jungkook is known for being a bad texter, a lot of the time Namjoon texts him and doesn’t expect a reply at all. Instead, he sends another song he thought Jungkook would like to change the subject. 4am isn’t an uncommon time for either of the two to be awake, but the way Jungkook responded to the request puts him on edge slightly.
On the surface, now that he’s asked him, he hopes that Jungkook doesn’t actually cover the song. There’s still a little spark of hope in his heart that he’ll get a chance to hear how Jungkook’s honey vocals will sound in the song.
By the next evening, he’s reminded of the fact that he didn’t receive another message from Jungkook after they’d finished discussing music recommendations last night. On reflection, he realises that he also hasn’t seen Jungkook at all that day due to their differing schedules. That part doesn’t bother him as such, they have many days spent where they don’t see any of the other members at all, even though they live together.
He doesn’t know why he feels anxious about the entire thing, it probably hasn’t even crossed Jungkook’s mind. It was late, and if he doesn’t want to cover the song, he doesn’t have to. Namjoon intentionally ignores the rational part of his brain that’s supplying a potential reason as to the suffocating anxiety he’s feeling and the overthinking his brain is doing: he simply doesn’t want to think about it right now.
It’s been just over twenty four hours when Namjoon receives the notification - his heart skips a beat when he sees it appear at the top of his phone screen as he’s mindlessly scrolling.
Jeon Jungkook sent a voice message.
He presses the notification and braces himself to see that the clip is 4 minutes long.
Jeon Jungkook: [Voice Message: 4:09]
Pressing play, he holds his breath. There’s a quiet backing track, and Jungkook sounds like he’s almost whispering as he breathily sings the first verse.
The way to love you isn’t hard
If I smile once more and care for you more
The way we love isn’t hard
If we look at each other like it’s the first time every time
Who cares what others say?
We can’t live without each other, so what’s the problem?
We can be more in love together
It’s hard for Namjoon to listen to Jungkook sing the lyrics so beautifully and raw like this and not wish Jungkook were singing it with Namjoon in mind. It makes him smile and his heartbeat speeds up. It takes him a few listens to fully take it in and go through all the emotions he needs to feel: yearning, sad, lonely, jealous of the person that Jungkook could be singing this for, proud of how much Jungkook has improved in singing over the years. His voice just gets better and better.
Kim Namjoon: wow..
Kim Namjoon: you’re very good at singing songs like this
Kim Namjoon: you’ve grown a lot
Jeon Jungkook: oh, thank you, haha
Kim Namjoon: haha, are you going to post it?
Jeon Jungkook: you think i should?
Kim Namjoon: of course
Kim Namjoon: army will love this
Kim Namjoon: you sound amazing
Jeon Jungkook: i’ll think about it hehe
Namjoon stares at their chatroom on his phone screen for far too long, looping the clip of him covering the song. If he falls asleep while listening, that’s his own business.
He hears talks of Jungkook speaking to one of their engineers to help Jungkook with posting the cover officially and tries not to think too much about it. A few days later, he sees that Jungkook has uploaded a clip of it on Twitter. The video is just a view of the keyboard that’s in his studio as a part of his finished cover plays in the background.
He replies to the video from the main band account.
It’s not Jungkook, it’s heaven.
It’s late at night, and he wonders if Jungkook is still in his studio. He promises to himself that if Jungkook is still in the studio, he'll confess.
He pushes himself up from his chair and goes to check if Jungkook is still at the company building. His shoes are by his door and Namjoon sees the lightshow of changing RGB lights through the door, so he knocks.
“Come in!” He hears, very muffled. He types in Jungkook’s keycode and kicks off his sliders before walking in.
“Hey.” Namjoon says, hoping he doesn’t sound too obvious.
“Mmm?” Jungkook replies cutely as he spins in his chair to look at Namjoon. Has he always been this damn cute? It’s killing him.
“I saw you uploaded your cover on the account.”
Jungkook nods, smiling. His long hair flops over his eyes, and Namjoon does everything in his power to reach over to brush his hair from his sparkling eyes. He’s never had this urge before, it’s like the room is closing in on him.
“You sounded so nice, Jungkook-ah.”
“Thank you.” Jungkook says around a pout. Too cute.
“I came here to talk to you about something, are you busy?”
Jungkook becomes more alert, sitting up in his chair and nodding.
“It’s nothing bad,” Namjoon reassures.
“Okay.” Jungkook replies, dragging over a stool so Namjoon has nowhere to sit. (Jungkook doesn’t have a couch in his studio.)
“I think the fact that you covered that song so beautifully after I asked you to had solidified something for me.” Namjoon starts off vaguely. Jungkook just watches and listens in earnest, like he usually does. “You sounded so beautiful.” He repeats.
Jungkook nods, blinking, waiting.
“It made me certain on how I feel about you, and also made me wonder if there was anyone you’d sing that for.”
Jungkook tilts his head with a noise. “Hyung… I—”
“No, Jungkook-ah, I’m sorry.” Namjoon clears his throat and takes a breath. “You deserve my honesty. I care about you a lot, I think about you constantly, I feel so strongly about you. Different feelings to anyone else. You’re so special to me, and I’d love it if you'd accept if I asked you out on a date.”
Jungkook’s eyes widen, his mouth in the shape of an ‘o’.
“I didn’t expect that to be what you wanted to talk to me about.” He says quietly.
“I’m sorry if me confessing this to you is a burden.” Namjoon says, adrenaline carrying him through the entire conversation.
Jungkook shakes his head instantly, “Never, hyung. Never. Not if it’s you.”
“Me?”
Jungkook laughs and looks down at his hands. “I never thought you’d ask me out. Ever. That was like…the stuff of dreams. Outside of being a singer, obviously.”
Of course Hoseok was right, Namjoon internally curses.
“Yeah?”
“Of course. I’ve always thought you were cool and stuff, and I thought how I felt about you when I was younger would go away as we got to know each other, but now, it’s been almost nine years, and things have changed, and how I feel has changed, but…”
“Is that a yes, Jungkook-ah?”
“Yes,” he squeaks. “It’s a yes, Namjoon hyung.”
Namjoon lets out a sigh of relief. “Oh my god. That was terrifying.”
“You’re not pranking me, right? Because I’d prank you so hard in retaliation that you’d get me removed from the group.” Jungkook looks up at him through his eyelashes.
Namjoon laughs. “This would be a cruel joke, Jungkook-ah. I’m being honest here.”
“Okay.” Jungkook smiles. “Can I hold your hand?”
“As long as I can hold yours.” Namjoon replies, butterflies erupting in his stomach as soon as Jungkook’s rough hands gently cover his own.
“I’d sing it for you, by the way.” Jungkook notes.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He smiles. “When are you taking me out?”
“Oh, even like this, you’ll be a brat?” Namjoon bursts into laughter.
“I’ll never not be one.” Jungkook replies, smug. “I’ll be even more so now that I can brag that you like me back.”
Jungkook insists that their first date be a relaxed one in his studio. He sets out a small coffee table for them to sit down at and orders their favourite food. It’s probably the most comfortably that they’ve had a conversation in years, their awkward tension slipping away the more that they intimately get to know each other in a different way.
He finds that falling in love with Jungkook in a different way than the other times he’s fallen in love with him in his life is now probably his favourite time. His little traits that he loves about Jungkook are amplified, and he gets to learn even more things about Jungkook that he might not have known.
His particular favourite is the way that Jungkook is shy but insistent as a lover. When he asks Namjoon if he can kiss him for the first time, Namjoon’s almost taken aback by his confidence in asking for such a thing first. Of course Namjoon obliges, and of course Namjoon gets to learn that Jungkook easily keeps up the all-rounder title, because he’s wonderful at kissing, and not at all shy at it when their lips meet.
While it was difficult to realise that he’d fallen in love with Jungkook, it’s not difficult to love him.