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Rand went on high alert when Egwene invited him and Perrin to lunch and told them to leave their apartment separately, lie to Mat about where they were going, and not let him find out the three of them were having lunch. “What the hell is this all about?” he asked upon arriving at the restaurant (half an hour after Perrin, as Egwene had instructed).

“I want to talk to you both about Mat,” Egwene said.

“Obviously,” Perrin said. “But I don’t feel right about it, going behind his back like this.”

“Me neither,” Rand said.

“It’s not for any bad reason,” Egwene promised. “I was just wondering…has he talked to either of you about his love life lately?”

Rand’s eyebrows shot up. “Has he—wait—are you asking if he’s single? Are you into him?” It felt like there wasn’t enough air in the room. “Look, I want you both to be happy, but my ex asking me to set her up with my best friend is just too—”

“Oh, God, no, I am not into Mat!” Egwene looked horrified at the mere suggestion.

Rand let out a relieved breath, all the tension in his chest easing as quickly as it had come. He wasn’t sure why the thought of Mat and Egwene together had upset him so much…was he not as over her as he’d thought? But no, it was three years ago that they’d decided they were better off as friends, and she’d been going on dates for the past two and Rand had never minded one bit. Maybe it was just because Mat was his best friend rather than some faceless guy from a dating app?

“Anyway,” Egwene said, snapping him out of his musings, “has he mentioned if he’s seeing anyone?”

Perrin shrugged. “No one specific. You know Mat. He’s on a date with a different girl every week.”

“Just girls?”

The two words made Rand’s whole brain screech to a halt. “H-Huh?” he said.

“Has Mat ever mentioned liking men?” Egwene elaborated.

Rand’s brain crashed like a fiery trainwreck. A brainwreck. “No,” Perrin said, looking almost as surprised as Rand felt. “Why do you ask?”

Egwene gnawed on her lip. “Well, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this,” she said in a tone that suggested she was about to tell them every single detail about it. “But last weekend Nynaeve and I went out for drinks, and we went to a gay bar because sometimes we do that so guys won’t hit on us, and Mat was there.”

“Maybe he was just getting a drink?” Perrin said uncertainly.

“He had some guy’s tongue down his throat,” Egwene informed him, and a bomb went off amidst the brainwreck, shattering it into even more pieces.

Perrin let out a low whistle of surprise. “Did he see you?”

“I don’t think so, he was pretty busy,” Egwene said dryly. “And Nynaeve didn’t see him, I distracted her so she wouldn’t look over there and luckily she decided she wanted to go to a different bar anyway, so we left right away. I wasn’t sure she’d be…ah, capable of subtlety if she noticed him, and I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable seeing as he’s never even said anything about liking men. At least not to me. But I thought maybe you two…?”

“No, never,” Perrin said.

They both looked at Rand. He was too busy trying to pick through the brainwreck looking for any surviving remnants of the vocabulary that used to be there, so all he could manage was a shake of his head.

“So, what do we do?” Egwene said.

Perrin frowned. “What do you mean, what do we do? We don’t do anything. It’s none of our business. You weren’t supposed to see him, and he doesn’t know you did, so we’ll just pretend we don’t know.”

“We can’t just not do anything,” Egwene protested. “We’re his best friends. We have to let him know we support him.”

“If he wants us to know, he’ll tell us, and then we can let him know we support him.”

“But what if he does want us to know but is too nervous to tell us because he’s worried we’ll react badly? You know what his parents are like, I can only imagine the kinds of things he grew up hearing them saying. What if he’s scared to tell anyone? It might mean a lot to him to hear that we already know and we’re happy for him.”

“I guess that’s true…but I don’t know. Rand, what do you think?”

They both looked at him. Oh no. He had to remember how to form words. He shrugged to buy himself some time. “Are you okay?” Egwene said, peering closely at him. “You haven’t had much to say about any of this.”

Rand cleared his throat and tried, less successfully, to clear his mind of all images of Mat kissing some guy. “I-I’m fine. Just…surprised,” he said. He made his best attempt at a smile. “But I probably shouldn’t be, I guess. I mean, Mat’s one of the best-looking people I know, so obviously women aren’t the only ones who want to kiss him.”

That was supposed to be a joke, but it must not have landed correctly because Egwene and Perrin both gave him weird looks. Wait, did they not think Mat was one of the best-looking people they knew? How could that be? It was an objective fact.

“Uh, sure,” Egwene said. “But do you think we should talk to him about it?”

“If Rand’s gonna be so weird about it, I think we’d better,” Perrin said. “Look at him. He won’t be able to keep this a secret for more than five seconds once we get home.”

Rand tried to make his expression look like someone who would be able to keep this a secret for more than five seconds. “I will so!”

“No, you totally won’t,” Egwene agreed. “I’ll come back to your place after this and we can all talk to him.”

Perrin sighed and acknowledged that that was for the best, and Rand mutely nodded, not trusting himself to say any more words.

He kept quiet as the meal went on. He felt weird. Like his heart was too big for his chest. Like he was waiting for something to happen, something that would be both scary and exciting. It kind of reminded him of high school, when Perrin had told Rand that Laila had told him that Egwene had told her that she was hoping Rand would ask her to prom, and Rand had realized for the first time that he actually had a very real chance with her.

But Rand wasn’t sure why that particular memory was coming to mind. What did his old crush on Egwene have to do with the fact that Mat maybe possibly definitely liked men?

“Seriously, Rand, are you all right?” Egwene said as they walked back to the boys’ apartment. “You’re being really weird.”

“N-No, I’m not,” Rand said.

“Yes, you are.” She stopped in her tracks, making the others stop too, and turned to face Rand, crossing her arms. “Do you have a problem with Mat liking guys? Because if you do, I will never speak to you again and I’m not joking.”

“Of course I don’t!” Rand said, shocked and more than a little hurt. “How could you even think I’d have a problem with it?”

Egwene uncrossed her arms, visibly relaxing. “You hardly said a word all through lunch.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just surprised, like I said. Also, I slept like shit last night and I’m exhausted,” Rand added, which was actually true, even if it wasn’t a contributing factor to that weird feeling in his chest. Or maybe it was? Maybe he was just overtired. Or had heartburn or something. “But I don’t have a problem with it. Not in the slightest.”

“Oh. Well, good,” Egwene said, looking satisfied, and she resumed walking.

Mat was on the couch when they arrived. “Did you get any eggs? Besides her,” he said as he looked over at the door and saw Egwene, who rolled her eyes.

“What? No,” Perrin said.

“We’ve been out of eggs for days. You’re telling me that both of you went to the grocery store separately and neither of you got eggs?” Mat narrowed his eyes, clearly noticing the lack of grocery bags. “Neither of you got anything?”

Whoops. Rand hadn’t known Perrin was also planning to use the grocery store as his excuse. In his own defense, he had intended to really go grocery shopping after lunch, but those plans had ended up getting lost somewhere in the brainwreck.

Egwene gave the pair of them her patented how did I become friends with such idiots look and went to sit next to Mat. “Forget the eggs. We wanted to talk to you,” she said, grabbing the remote and pausing the show he was watching.

Perrin and Rand took the other couch. Mat frowned. “What is this, an intervention?” he said. “I swear I’m not doing any drugs. Except weed. And alcohol. And I did do coke at a party once but I hated it and I’ll never do it again—”

“You what?” Egwene demanded as Perrin said, “It’s not an intervention, relax.”

“Maybe it should be an intervention,” Egwene muttered. “But anyway. We wanted to let you know that you’re our best friend, and we love you and support you and we’ll always be here for you.”

Mat wrinkled his nose, looking bewildered, disgusted, and mildly alarmed. “I’d rather the intervention. This is terrifying. Did someone die? Am I dying?”

“No one’s dying,” Perrin said. “We just want to make sure you know that you can tell us anything, all right? Anything at all. We’ll never judge you.”

“Egwene judged me pretty hard about the coke thing.”

“I mean, good God, Mat, how stupid are you? Honestly—”

“Stop it,” Perrin said, giving them both a stern look. “Stay on topic.”

“What is the topic, besides that you’re freaking me out?” Mat said impatiently.

“Is there anything that’s maybe new in your life that you wanted to talk to us about?” Egwene said.

“No? What the fuck is happening right now?” Mat turned to Rand. “Rand, you’re still sane, right?”

“Not sure,” Rand said, which was true, seeing as he couldn’t stop thinking about what a nice-shaped mouth Mat had and how good he probably was at kissing and how good he probably was at kissing men specifically, and that was not something that would be happening to a sane person.

Mat groaned and flopped further back into the couch. “Then can someone just come out and say what this is all about?”

“Well, speaking of coming out…” Egwene raised her eyebrows meaningfully.

“You’re gay?”

“What? No, I’m not coming out, you are,” Egwene said, then bit her lip, like she’d intended to build up to it a little more.

Mat went very still, but a second later he put on an easy grin—almost too easy. Trying too hard. “Am I?” he said. “That’s news to me.”

“I saw you at a gay bar last Saturday,” Egwene said.

“Are you sure it was me? I was so drunk last Saturday, I honestly don’t remember how many bars I went to or which ones.”

“Positive. I’d recognize that stupid scarf anywhere.”

“Well, maybe I was just getting a drink.”

“You had some guy’s tongue down your throat.”

Mat swallowed, the look on his face putting Rand in mind of a rabbit caught in a trap. Maybe they should’ve gone about this differently. “Oh, all right, fine,” Mat said. “Yeah. I’m not picky about who puts their tongues down my throat. But it’s honestly not a big deal, so there’s no need to make such a fuss about it. God, I really thought someone was dying with the way you were going on.”

His tone and expression said that it was, in fact, quite a big deal to him and he was just trying to act like it wasn’t. And luckily, Egwene and Perrin were ready right away with hugs and all the right things to say. Rand hugged him too and offered him encouraging smiles whenever they made eye contact—and Mat did seem to seek out his eyes more often than the other two’s for some reason; maybe he sensed something was going on with Rand—but he didn’t say much besides the initial vague murmurs of support. That weird feeling in his chest was even weirder and stronger now that he knew for a fact that Mat really was…whatever he was.

Bisexual, as it turned out, once Egwene let Mat get a word in edgewise. “So, now you all know, and we never have to talk about this again,” he concluded. “Can we please never talk about this again?”

“You don’t have anything to be ashamed of,” Egwene said soothingly.

“Oh, I’m not ashamed. I just hate when you guys get all sappy. It’s disgusting.” But there was a smile tugging at his mouth and his eyes were sparkling with relief and happiness, and Rand could tell Egwene had been right to guess that this conversation would mean a lot to him.

“I’m sorry we cornered you like this,” Perrin said. “I thought we should wait until you told us, but we weren’t sure if maybe you’d be too nervous to ever say anything…”

“It’s fine,” Mat said with a shrug. “It is kinda…nice. To get it off my chest. I guess. And, um. Thanks. For being, like. Cool about it. And stuff. Even if you could’ve just messaged the groupchat instead of making this whole scene.”

Egwene threw her arms around him again, and Perrin did too, so Rand went over to complete the group hug, wondering why the sound of Mat’s laugh was making his heart do somersaults.

A month later, Rand was still in a weird mood. It wasn’t that he minded Mat being bi. He was happy for him, and happy that he’d shared it with them (though, granted, they hadn’t given him much of a choice), and happy that by now he seemed comfortable enough to mention it casually in conversation with them and make jokes.

It was just that growing up in a tiny town like Emond’s Field, Rand had never met a gay person until college—at least not that he’d realized—and even then they were only classmates he’d known in passing (and Moiraine and Siuan, but they were old and had always seemed like any other adult married couple, they didn’t count). So now finding out that his lifelong best friend was bi was…weird. Not bad weird. Just…something Rand still needed to wrap his head around. Gayness had always seemed like some distant thing, something Rand objectively knew was a part of life, but just not his life specifically. Like something other people were, not Rand’s friends or Rand himself.

Not that Rand himself was gay, of course. Obviously not. But his worldview had been shaken, and things that used to be simple were now confusing. Ever since they were teenagers he’d thought of Mat as a womanizer, and now that he knew he liked men too (manizer?), everything was up in the air. Who knew what other facts of life may not have been as solid as Rand had previously believed?

There was also the small point that Rand had spent the first eighteen years of his life in love with Egwene, and now he wasn’t anymore. Three years since they’d ended things and he still hadn’t gone on a single date. He’d never thought much about being with anyone but her. What—or who—might he like, besides her? If Mat could like men, then what if…maybe…Rand could like…

So. Rand had been in a weird mood lately. He thought he’d been very subtle about it, though, until one afternoon when Mat said, “Why have you been in such a weird mood lately?”

Rand kept his eyes glued to the TV even as his fingers slipped on the game controller and his character fell off a cliff and died. “W-What do you mean?” he said. “I haven’t.”

“Yes, you have.” Mat was also focused on the game. “You’ve been avoiding me. We live together, and this is the first time we’ve hung out alone together in weeks.”

“Only ’cause Perrin’s always around.”

“No, he’s not. He spends half his time in his room, and every time he leaves to go into it you suddenly hurry off into yours.” Mat’s character also died, ending the game, but he set his controller down instead of pressing the restart button. “Do you have a problem with me?”

Confused, Rand frowned and looked over at him. “Of course I don’t have a problem with you. What are you talking about?”

Mat shrugged and folded his arms, hunching in on himself. “You’ve barely even made eye contact with me since you found out I’m bi,” he said in an uncharacteristically small voice. “What else am I supposed to think other than that you have a problem with it? Or that you’re afraid I’m gonna hit on you or something, or—”

“What? No!” Rand protested, hating himself for not realizing how his behavior must’ve been coming across to Mat the past few weeks. “I don’t have a problem with it at all. I’m so sorry I made you think I did. I’ve just…had a lot on my mind lately. School and stuff. Senior year, you know. But it’s nothing to do with you.” Or at least, not in the way Mat thought it was.

Mat’s posture relaxed a little. “You sure?” he said, watching Rand uncertainly. “Because I’d get it if…I mean…we’ve known each other our whole lives. It must feel weird to find out a new thing about me you haven’t already known forever.”

“Not as weird as I bet it feels to find out a new thing about yourself.”

“Well, you know how that feels.”

What? Wait— “I-I do?” Rand stammered. Mat—he knew—how did he—oh God—

“Yeah, when you found out you were adopted,” Mat said.

Rand breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, that. Yeah, I guess.”

Tam had told him just before he’d gone off to college and it had caused him a great deal of stress and emotional turmoil during his first semester, but three years later he hardly even thought about it anymore. Because by now he knew it didn’t change the fact that Tam was his dad in every way that mattered. It didn’t change how much they loved each other. It didn’t change who Rand was, who he’d always been all along.

Maybe that would be the same with…other things…too.

“I’ve known I liked guys since I was, like, twelve anyway, so definitely not new to me,” Mat was saying.

“That long?” Rand said, surprised. The idea that boys even could like each other hadn’t really crossed his own radar until high school, probably. “How…how did you know, in the first place?”

“An angel came down from the heavens and told me one day,” Mat deadpanned, making Rand snort. “No, I don’t know. I just kinda knew. Like, I’ve always noticed how guys looked and found some attractive, same as with girls.”

Rand furrowed his brow. What was he talking about? Everyone did that. Men were beautiful, of course everyone found some of them attractive sometimes. Didn’t mean they were actually attracted to them. Really, Rand? Finding men attractive isn’t the same as being attracted to them? It’s the same damn word.

…Huh.

The furrow deepened. “But how do you know for sure?” he asked Mat. “I mean, if someone thought maybe they could…could be bi, but they weren’t sure, how would they figure it out?”

Mat rolled his eyes. “I don’t know, Rand, I’m not a licensed bi expert or something. Why are you so interested anyway? You’re the straightest person I know.” Rand must have looked offended, as Mat added, “I didn’t mean that as an insult. Just an observation.”

“No, yeah, I know.” Why had Rand’s instinct been to frown rather than laugh? Why had it felt wrong to hear Mat describe him as straight? “I was just curious, that’s all. About what it was like for you.”

“Oh.” Mat picked up his controller again, but he was still looking sideways at Rand. “So…are we good?”

Rand gave himself a mental shake and smiled. “’Course we are,” he said. He hesitated, then leaned over to pull Mat into a hug. “I love you, you know. Just the way you are.”

“Ugh. Gross,” Mat grumbled, but Rand could feel him smiling into his shoulder.

Why did it make his heart beat faster, having Mat pressed against him like this?

Worried that Mat could feel his heartbeat, Rand let go of him maybe a little too quickly. “And I promise, it never even occurred to me to worry about you hitting on me,” he joked to lighten the mood.

Mat glanced away from him and laughed. “Good, ’cause you’re so not my type,” he said, eyes focused on the TV as he restarted the game.

Why did that disappoint Rand?

After a week of observing and pondering, Rand decided to pick Perrin’s brain about some things he noticed. “Do you like making Mat laugh?” he asked Friday night while Mat was out. Possibly sleeping with a man. Which did not make Rand feel any type of way at all.

Perrin gave him a look that plainly said he thought he was a weirdo. “Sure I do. What kind of question is that?”

“I mean, like…you really like it? More than you like making other people laugh? Like, your stomach does this kind of twisty thing when he laughs at your jokes?”

For years, Rand had thought this was a very reasonable reaction to making Mat laugh, because Mat was the funniest person he knew, after all. Mat was the one who always made everyone else laugh, so of course being able to make him laugh felt like a bigger accomplishment than making another, less funny person laugh.

Judging by the look on Perrin’s face, however, he did not agree. “Hey, Rand?”

“Yeah?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“So I’m guessing that’s a no,” Rand mumbled, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“No, my stomach does not do a twisty thing when Mat laughs at my jokes,” Perrin said, looking truly concerned for Rand’s sanity now.

Huh.

“Okay,” Rand said. “What about when we go swimming together? Do you ever, like…look at him?” Rand had actually noticed it this week in the context of Mat coming out of the shower wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, but now that he was going out of his way to observe and ponder, he realized the same thing had happened to him all last summer whenever they went down to the river back home, and maybe for other summers before that too. And he thought that the swimming version was a safer and less pervy-sounding thing to ask Perrin about than the shower version.

Unfortunately, it did not seem to fool him. “Do I ever…? Are you asking me if I ever check Mat out when he’s shirtless? Because no, I do not.”

Huh.

“N-No!” Rand stammered, knowing his face was incriminatingly red. “I didn’t mean—oh, just forget it.”

Perrin nodded, looking as if he would like nothing more than to forget this entire conversation had ever happened.

For the next week Perrin would drop whatever he was doing to stare at Rand when Mat came out of the shower, and Rand wished he’d never asked him anything related to going swimming because the strain of not looking at Mat in those moments was actually hurting his eyes.

The following Friday night, Mat definitely slept with a man. Rand knew this because it happened right on the other side of his bedroom wall and he heard the whole thing. It kept him up quite a bit longer than it actually lasted. And unlike on past occasions, this time he couldn’t tell himself that it was just the girl’s noises that were affecting him.

“You look exhausted,” Egwene remarked the next morning when they met to study for a test in Moiraine’s history class.

Rand flushed and busied himself flipping through his textbook. “Didn’t…didn’t sleep well last night,” he mumbled. “Hey, can you explain to me what happened with Aridhol and that Mordeth guy? I didn’t understand any of that. Like, why would the king listen to him? Why would anyone listen to him? He sounds shady as hell. His name is literally More Death. You’d have to be an idiot to fall for that.”

That successfully distracted Egwene. For ten full minutes. Her explanation went in one ear and right out the other seeing as Rand was not in the most focused of moods, but he nodded along and pretended that he was absorbing things so she wouldn’t yell at him.

There was something much more important than Aridhol that he wanted to consult her about anyway, so in the next lull in the conversation, he said, “So…you’re attracted to guys.”

Egwene raised her eyebrows. “I think you of all people know that I am,” she said. “Where are you going with this?”

“Well, I was wondering,” Rand said. “Between me, Mat, and Perrin, who do you think is the most attractive?”

She snorted. “Oh, I am not going to open whatever can of worms you’re shoving in front of me.”

“No, come on, I’m not trying to start anything,” Rand insisted. “I just honestly want to know. You don’t have to say me just because we used to date, I won’t be offended if you say Mat.”

Egwene’s expression shifted from exasperated amusement to a sly sort of curiosity. “What makes you think I’d say Mat?” she said.

“Well, I mean…” Rand shrugged. “It’s Mat.”

“What on earth does that mean?”

“I don’t know, it’s Mat,” Rand said, frustrated by her willful obtuseness. “He’s so good-looking, everyone thinks so.”

Now Egwene had that look on her face that said she knew something he didn’t. Oh, how he hated that look. “Everyone? Really?” she said. “Who is this ‘everyone’ you’ve been asking?”

“I haven’t been asking anyone, but he’s dated way more gir—people than Perrin or I have—”

“Because he’s more confident and more interested in dating than you two are, not because he’s better-looking,” Egwene said. “If I was going to do a purely objective ranking, I’d put you first, Perrin second, and Mat third. Don’t tell either of them I said that or I’ll kill you, if Mat doesn’t kill me first.”

“You’re biased,” Rand protested. “You’re only putting me first because we used to date.”

“I said it was an objective ranking. I’m putting you first because I have eyes and an awareness of our society’s standards for conventional male beauty,” Egwene said in her know-it-all voice. “If you asked ten people who are attracted to men to pick one of you based only on appearance, I’d say it would be, like…six or seven would pick you, three or four would pick Perrin, and maybe one would pick Mat.”

Rand frowned. “That’s so mean, Egwene!”

“You’re the one who asked me to rank you!”

“And your rankings are way off! All ten would pick Mat! Honestly, do you have eyes? ’Cause I don’t think you do.”

Egwene sighed. “Are you going to make us do this little dance all day, or are you just going to admit you have a crush on him so we can get back to studying?”

Rand gaped at her. Then shouted “WHAT?!” so loudly that the librarian kicked them out. And they’d been on the noise-allowed floor.

For the next week, Egwene didn’t speak to Rand for getting them kicked out of the library and Rand didn’t speak to her for suggesting that he had a crush on Mat. But the following weekend Rand had to go to her and Nynaeve’s apartment to return Nynaeve’s old notes from when she’d taken the same history class; his own notes were sparse thanks to his month of weird mood, week of observing and pondering, and week of wondering if he had a crush on Mat and taking a hundred “am I gay?” quizzes. And weekend of exploring some new porn categories, with great success.

“How was the test?” Nynaeve asked.

Terrible. There had been an essay question about Aridhol worth a huge chunk of points. Although Rand had aced the second essay question about the fall of Manetheren. The night before Mat had sat down next to him and sung the song a dozen times to help him study, and every second of that portion of the study session, every word Rand had read with Mat leaning against his arm and looking over his shoulder had imprinted itself in his memory forever.

“Eh,” he told Nynaeve with a shrug. “Moiraine likes me, she’ll let me do extra credit if I fail.”

Nynaeve harrumphed—Moiraine was her PhD advisor and also, somehow, her greatest enemy, as far as Rand could tell—and ushered him in for a cup of tea despite his protests that he had to get back home to write a paper.

Rand was taking his first sip when Egwene emerged from her room and saw him, making Rand hastily swallow his tea. She opened her mouth, but before she could say a word Rand blurted out, “I have a crush on Mat.”

Nynaeve spat out her own sip of tea. “WHAT?!”

Egwene looked smugger than should have been legally allowed, in Rand’s opinion. “I knew it!”

Rand sighed and put his head down on his arms on the table. “Yeah, yeah, you were right,” he said. “I’m sorry I got us kicked out of the library.”

“But you—since when—?” Nynaeve was spluttering. “I didn’t know you liked men.”

Rand felt his cheeks heating up. This was the first time he’d actually admitted that out loud, they were the first ones to know he liked men. Aside from his internet browser. And maybe Perrin, if he’d figured it out from Rand’s swimming question.

Then Nynaeve’s tone caught up to him, and he frowned and lifted his head. “Why’d you say it like that?”

“Like what?”

“‘I didn’t know you liked men,’” Rand said, mimicking her emphasis. “Like there was someone else you did know liked men.”

“Yeah…” Egwene said slowly. “Did you already know that Mat—I mean—not that Mat likes men—”

“—don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nynaeve was stammering at the same time. “I did not say it like that, I don’t know anything about Mat liking—or anyone else—not Mat specifically, that is—”

“Okay,” Rand interrupted. “So we all know that Mat likes men.”

The girls sighed in relief. “Mm-hmm.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I wish I’d known you knew, Egwene,” Nynaeve said. “I wouldn’t have hustled you out of that gay bar so fast the other month. Mat was there with a guy and I thought you didn’t know he was bi, so I didn’t want you to see him—”

Egwene’s eyes narrowed. “I was hustling you out of that bar because I didn’t want you to see him,” she said. “Although I actually didn’t know until then. Is that how you found out too?”

Nynaeve shook her head. “Back when you all were in high school, I was home on winter break and went shopping in Deven Ride, you know how much I love their garden center, I had rotten luck growing most of my herbs at school so I wanted to stock up on some different kinds to try the next semester and see if they’d do any better—”

“Anyway.”

“Anyway, Mat was kissing Wil al’Seen behind the building. He nearly started crying when he saw me, he was so afraid I would tell his parents.” Nynaeve’s expression went soft and fierce simultaneously. “But I told him of course I wouldn’t tell anyone because I would die before ever betraying his trust. Which is why I had to hustle Egwene out of that bar. Egwene, why did you have to hustle me out of that bar?”

“Well…”

“She thought you’d make a scene,” Rand said, grinning.

“That is not what I said,” Egwene objected.

“A scene? A scene?!” Nynaeve demanded. “Egwene al’Vere, the absolute nerve of you, the disrespect! How could you even think that I would make a SCENE?!” Rand snorted into his tea, and Nynaeve glared at him. “Hmph!”

“So, back to Rand and Mat,” Egwene said hastily. “What are you going to do, Rand?”

“I don’t know. Die, probably.”

Nynaeve rolled her eyes. “So dramatic,” she said, as if she had any ground to stand on.

“Why not just ask him on a date? The worst he can say is no,” Egwene said.

“Yeah, in which case I’ll die, probably,” Rand said. “I’m horrible at dating. I’ve only asked one person out ever in my entire life, and I’m sure you remember how bad it was, and that was with Mat and Perrin helping me.” He sighed. “I wish they could help me with this. They’re so good with women. Mat’s probably good with men too. He would know what to do.”

“I hate to break it to you, but not one of you is good with women,” Nynaeve said.

“Not one,” Egwene agreed. “But you are sitting with two people who are good with men…”

It was weird, talking so openly and casually about Rand liking men. He smiled a little. Weird but…nice. A warmth in his chest, kind of.

It was also weird to be talking about it with Egwene. “This isn’t weird for you?” Rand asked. “Me and Mat? You don’t…mind? That I like him? And you don’t mind giving me advice about it?”

Egwene shrugged and grinned. “I have no problem setting up my ex with my best friend, seeing as I don’t have a gigantic crush on that best friend,” she said, making Rand blush.

Chapter Text

Even with Egwene and Nynaeve’s advice and encouragement, Rand didn’t think he’d ever have the guts to say anything to Mat. Egwene had asked why not, he’d said he didn’t want to hurt their friendship, she’d asked why he hadn’t worried about that when he’d asked her out, he’d said because he’d known for a fact that she liked him back thanks to their mutual friends, she’d asked if he wanted her to talk to Mat for him and feel out his chances, and he’d said absolutely not under any circumstances or else he would do his damnedest to get her banned from every library in the country.

Plus, there was the additional complication that Mat had no idea Rand was…bi? There were a lot of words out there and Rand didn’t know what half of them meant, but bi felt pretty good so far and he wasn’t in a hurry to choose a different one. But anyway, Mat didn’t know, so that was another thing Rand would have to confess if he wanted to make a move, which he didn’t, and it was just so much harder than liking a girl, so many extra layers to worry about.

Even in the one-in-a-thousand chance that Rand ever did tell Mat and the one-in-a-million chance that Mat returned his feelings, his stress still wouldn’t be over because then he and Mat would start dating and other people would find out and Rand would have to tell all of them that he was bi, and that prospect was so intimidating. Rand was only just now admitting it to himself, and no one else knew yet except Egwene and Nynaeve.

And Perrin. They’d never had The Talk, but one day Perrin had gotten Mat a bi flag pin for his schoolbag (Mat had yelled at him for being sappy even as he was beaming and pinning it on the front and center of his bag) and while getting ready for class later Rand had found a rainbow flag pin tucked away at the bottom of his own bag with a note in Perrin’s handwriting. Just in case you wanted one too. Wasn’t sure which flag was best.

Rand had gotten choked up and pinned it carefully to the inside of his bag—he wasn’t ready to put it on the outside, but he still wanted it somewhere. The next time he’d seen Perrin he’d hugged him tight without explaining why, and Perrin hadn’t asked, just hugged him back.

So only the three of them knew, which Rand supposed was pretty good because he didn’t have all that many other people he’d want to tell anyway or whose opinions he would care about. Just two more, but they were the two who’d be hardest to tell, the two whose opinions mattered most, the two whose rejection he was most afraid of. Not that he was afraid that Mat would reject him for liking guys, just for liking him specifically.

Tam, though…that was another matter. Objectively, Rand knew his fears were baseless. Tam was as unlike Mat’s parents as anyone could possibly be. Rand had no reason to believe he wouldn’t react well; he’d been hearing about Moiraine and Siuan from Rand for years and knew they were married to each other and had even met them a couple times, and he’d never so much as batted an eye. Rand knew that he was the most important thing in Tam’s world and that Tam would always love and support him no matter what.

But there was still that little question in the back of his mind of…what if he didn’t?

This was something Egwene and Nynaeve and Perrin just couldn’t help him with. Mat couldn’t either; even if Rand had been comfortable asking him for advice about gay stuff, Mat hadn’t come out to his own parents and had declared that he probably never would and to hell with both of them, let them hear about it through the Emond’s Field grapevine for all he cared, he was moving out permanently after graduation so he didn’t give a shit what they thought anymore.

But, Rand thought one Tuesday evening as he walked to the university chancellor’s house across from campus, maybe there were two people who might be in a position to share some advice about parents and coming out, if he was brave enough to ask.

Rand had been in Moiraine’s intro history class first semester of freshman year, and they had not gotten along until the day she’d walked in on him crying behind the building after class because he was so homesick. She’d invited him to dinner with her and her wife that night and every Tuesday since, and now that he was a senior Rand wasn’t so homesick anymore, but he still looked forward to dinner every week.

Egwene came with him often unless she had too much homework, Perrin sometimes if he was in a socializing mood, and Mat never because Moiraine hated him after he’d bailed on one of her fieldtrips and stolen a replica historic dagger from the museum giftshop during another. Tonight, though, Rand was on his own, and he passed a pleasant meal chatting with Moiraine and Siuan and Lan. (Rand didn’t know what Lan’s relationship to them was or even what his job was. He was just always with Moiraine and Rand didn’t question it.)

“Can I ask you something kinda personal?” Rand said during a pause in the conversation.

“You can ask me anything you like. Whether I’ll answer is another matter,” Moiraine said with a small smile.

Rand laughed. “Okay, then, I’ll ask. When you, um, when you came out…how did your parents take it?”

If Moiraine was surprised by the question, she didn’t show it. “I haven’t spoken to my parents in many years.”

“Oh,” Rand said, his heart sinking. “They reacted that badly?”

“Oh no, I never came out to them at all. We cut ties long before that.”

“…Oh…”

“Stop being so dramatic, you’re scaring the poor thing,” Siuan chided her. “My father took it very well, Rand.” Her eyes twinkled. “And I believe yours is cut from the same cloth, so I doubt you have anything to worry about.”

Rand flushed deeply. “I-I didn’t mean…um…” Oh, he might as well admit it. He was trying to ask them for help, after all. “Okay, yes. I did mean,” he said, and his stomach squirmed pleasantly at the pride on Moiraine’s face and delight on Siuan’s. “But how did you know?”

“You’re failing my class,” Moiraine said. “Something’s clearly been weighing on you this semester. I’ve never seen you perform so poorly. It’s quite disappointing.”

“Thanks,” Rand grumbled.

“Oh, don’t mind her,” Siuan said with a laugh. “The only thing she’s actually disappointed in is your taste in men.”

Moiraine sighed. “Really, Rand, could it not have been Perrin?”

“What—I never said who—” Rand spluttered, feeling himself go even redder. “How did you know that?”

“A certain grad student who enjoys Lan’s company,” Moiraine said, giving Lan a sly look, “let slip that there was a romantic entanglement between two of her friends, though out of loyalty she refused to elaborate. But it was easy enough for us to determine which two, given that we’ve been watching you pine over that fool boy for your entire university career.”

“What?! I have not been—name one time I’ve pined!” Rand said indignantly.

“The History 101 fieldtrip, when you all but grabbed the steering wheel from the bus driver to make us go back for Mat,” Moiraine said. Yelling at Moiraine and crying in front of his entire history class (minus Mat) had not been Rand’s finest moment, but it had been a very bad week homesickness-wise and dealing-with-the-news-that-he-was-adopted-wise plus Egwene had dumped him the day before, and Mat ditching him after promising to sit together on the bus had just been the drop that made the cup overflow, okay?

“And the second fieldtrip,” Lan was saying, “when Moiraine was trying to confiscate that stolen dagger from him and I had to tackle you to keep you from tackling her.” Getting his ass kicked by Lan in front of his entire history class (including Mat) had also not been Rand’s finest moment.

“That was a weird semester for me and it doesn’t count,” Rand insisted. “Name one recent time I’ve pined.”

“Last week, when I was on my way to a meeting and saw you trip over your own feet because he waved at you across the quad,” Siuan said. Rand remembered seeing her walk past him after the incident in question, but he’d hoped she’d been laughing about something unrelated.

“Okay, well—well, whatever,” he said, embarrassed. He turned to Lan. “Since when do you talk to Nynaeve anyway?”

“More than talk,” Siuan murmured into her wineglass, and Moiraine stifled a smirk.

Lan said nothing, but his mouth twitched and unless Rand’s eyes deceived him, there was the slightest blush dusting his cheeks. Rand had never seen him show so much emotion.

He decided he simply didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to unpack all of that right now and instead returned to the matter at hand. “All right, yeah. It is Mat,” he said. “But it’s okay, Moiraine, nothing’s ever going to happen between us.”

“Why not?” Siuan asked.

“There’s no chance he’d feel the same way,” Rand said. “And I don’t want to risk ruining our friendship over it.”

“That was what I thought too when I was your age. But she took the risk, and thank goodness she did,” Moiraine said, giving Siuan a fond smile. Siuan smiled back and took her hand where it rested on the table. Moiraine looked back at Rand. “There’s always a chance. And in my opinion, you should take it.” She sniffed disdainfully. “Even though you can do better, if you want a man.”

Moiraine’s dismay at Rand’s taste notwithstanding, their conversation did a good deal to boost his confidence. Especially in regards to talking to Tam. As certain as Rand was that it would go well, that little fear in the back of his mind was soothed by the reassurance that at least he would still have three quasi-parents here at school, if something did go wrong.

And he couldn’t think seriously about taking a risk with Mat until Tam knew. Rand himself had only known for a couple months now, but it was already starting to feel strange, having something major about his life that his dad was unaware of. Rand had always told him everything, always confided in him first of anyone, even before his friends. And after working through the whole Rand-being-adopted thing, they’d promised never to have any more secrets between them.

Rand was ready. More nervous than he could ever remember being about anything, but he wanted Tam to know. He wanted him to know who he was. But then, this was who he’d always been all along, he thought, even if he hadn’t realized it until recently. Just like how he’d been adopted all along even if he hadn’t known it. And that hadn’t changed who he was, so maybe this didn’t have to either.

It took a few of their weekly phonecalls before Rand was finally able to psych himself up enough to broach the subject. “Hey, Dad? Um…” His mouth felt impossibly dry, and he licked his lips. “There’s something I wanted to tell you.”

“All right,” Tam said. “I’m listening.”

“Okay. So…um…”

Rand trailed off, unable to keep going. Two simple words right on the tip of his tongue, yet he couldn’t manage to get them out. He took a deep breath and sat on his bed, heart pounding and stomach churning. He realized his hands were shaking so much he could barely keep the phone at his ear, so he grabbed his headphones and plugged them in, then set the phone down on the bed next to him and twisted his hands in his lap.

He had no idea how long the silence dragged on. Tam didn’t say anything either or prompt him to continue. “You still there?” Rand finally asked.

“Mm-hmm.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. Take your time,” Tam said gently; he seemed to have gathered that Rand was nervous, or that whatever he wanted to say was important.

Rand took heart, and at long last, he was able to plunge onwards. “Um—I realized recently that I, um—I’m bi.” Wait, did Tam know what that meant? “Bisexual.” Did he know what that meant? “Um, I like guys too. And girls. Still like girls. But also guys.”

“I know what bisexual means, I’m not that out of touch.” Tam’s voice was teasing and warm and full of so much love, and Rand let out a shaky laugh, the knot in his chest starting to loosen. He no longer felt so much like he was about to be sick.

“Sorry,” he said. “So, um. Yeah. That’s it. I-I don’t, like, have a—a boyfriend or anything, I just. Wanted you to know.”

“I’m glad. Thank you for telling me. I love you, Rand.”

Rand smiled, tears stinging his eyes. His hands weren’t shaking anymore. “I love you too, Dad.”

Rand went to Moiraine’s next office hours to report back and thank her. “I came out to my dad,” he said, unable to contain his smile. “It went great.”

She smiled too. “Good. Otherwise I would’ve had to send him a strongly-worded email.”

“You don’t have his email address.”

“I would have found it. I have my ways.” Moiraine opened her desk drawer and pulled out a stack of papers. “Now, about your extra credit—”

“I didn’t ask for extra credit,” Rand said.

Moiraine shoved the papers at him. “I know, but trust me, you need it.”

The semester ended, finals were taken (and most likely failed, in the case of Rand’s history final), and now it was his last night in the apartment before going home for winter break. And he decided that he was going to do it. He was going to take the risk.

Or at least, he was going to come out to Mat. Then, depending on how much courage he still had left, he might tell him how he felt about him. It was the perfect time for it, if he ever did want to do it. They were leaving in the morning, so if things went badly, Rand could hitch a ride home with Egwene and Nynaeve instead of Mat and Perrin and he could hide in his house for all of winter break and not have to see Mat until they came back to school, and hopefully after a month his humiliation would’ve lessened enough that he would at least be able to be in the same room as Mat without wanting to die. If not, Egwene and Nynaeve might let him sleep on their couch all semester.

With any luck, though, things wouldn’t go quite that badly. Rand didn’t dare let himself hope for reciprocation, but as long as Mat didn’t punch him in the face, he’d be okay. And Mat probably wouldn’t punch him in the face because he was in a good mood, which was another part of Rand’s strategic timing. Not even the prospect of going back to his parents’ house ever outweighed Mat’s joy of being done with finals and homework and getting to see his sisters again, and he’d had a smile on his face all day.

So, Rand would come out to him and Mat would definitely react well to that, and if he had the guts he’d confess his feelings too, and Mat would be nice about it and let him down gently, and it would be mortifying as all hell, but at least Rand would get closure and maybe be able to start working on getting over him.

Egwene and Nynaeve were over at their place celebrating the end of the semester. Mat had tried to persuade them all to go out, but no one wanted to be hungover for the long drive back to Emond’s Field, so instead they were having a relaxing night in with TV and takeout and a reasonable amount of alcohol.

The hours passed, and Rand got increasingly antsy. Of course he loved spending time with his friends, but he knew that if he didn’t get an opportunity to talk to Mat alone tonight, he’d chicken out and never do it.

Thus he was secretly relieved when Egwene and Nynaeve called it a night and headed out, wishing the boys a good drive and promising to hang out once they were all back home. But Perrin stayed put on the couch and didn’t seem to have any intention of moving anytime soon, nor did he notice the meaningful looks Rand kept trying to shoot him when Mat wasn’t looking. Which wasn’t often. Did Mat always look at Rand so much?

He was getting desperate, so when Mat got up to use the bathroom, Rand pulled out his phone and texted Perrin (the bathroom was right off the living room and he didn’t dare risk saying anything aloud). Not to be an ass but I want to talk to Mat alone about something important, so could you maybe go to bed a little early? Please?

Perrin’s phone buzzed, and he pulled it out of his pocket and glanced down, then raised his eyebrows at Rand. “Why are you…texting me?” he finished in a whisper when Rand frantically shook his head and made a slicing motion across his neck.

Perrin opened the message, read it, and grinned. Dick move, he texted back.

I know I’m sorry but please???

Of course

Thank you!!!! I owe you

Anytime
Good luck

Yeah I’ll need it
You can come back when you hear him starting to beat me up

He’d never do that, it’s gonna be fine

Rand looked over at him and made a face, and Perrin smiled encouragingly and patted his shoulder on his way out of the room, just as Mat returned. “Going to bed already?” Mat said.

“Yeah, I’m tired from finals.”

“Lame. ’Night.”

“’Night.”

Mat turned his back on Perrin and went over to the couch, and Perrin winked at Rand and gave him a thumbs-up, making him blush furiously. “What’s wrong with you?” Mat asked.

“Nothing,” Rand said, avoiding his eyes and grabbing his drink to give himself something to do.

He heard Perrin’s bedroom door shutting, but he didn’t want to make it obvious that he’d asked him to leave him alone with Mat, and also he was terrified and vaguely queasy, so he kept quiet and didn’t look at Mat and focused on the show they were watching. At the end of the episode, he told himself, he would do it.

The episode ended, and Mat checked the time. “I haven’t actually started packing yet,” he said glumly, getting to his feet. “So I should probably—”

“Wait,” Rand blurted out. If he didn’t do it now, he’d never do it. “Um. One more episode?”

Mat grinned and sat back down. “I was hoping you’d say that,” he said. “But it’s not like you to enable me.”

Rand smiled nervously. “Well, they’re only half an hour, so one more isn’t that bad.”

Mat hit play on the episode. At the end of this episode Rand would do it.

The episode ended. “One more?” Rand said.

“Fuck yeah.”

Halfway through that episode, Perrin texted. You made me leave so you could sit in silence with him for an hour?

I’m sorry, Rand told him. You can come back, it was a dumb idea, I’m not gonna do it.

You’re gonna do it right now or I’ll text HIM and tell him you’re in love with him.

After a minute of frantic texting to make sure Perrin wouldn’t do anything of the sort (of course he wouldn’t, he would never do that to Rand and they both knew it), Rand pocketed his phone and looked at Mat. “Hey,” he said. “Can we talk?”

Mat glanced over at him. “What’s up?”

“Um…” Rand gnawed on his lip and tried to remember what he’d planned to say.

Mat’s brow furrowed. “Rand? Are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine,” Rand said. Oh God, his hands were shaking again. He quickly clasped them in his lap, hoping Mat wouldn’t notice.

But he did. Frowning, he paused the show and scooched closer. “Seriously, what is it?” he said. “Did something happen? Is your dad okay? Or—”

“No, no, everything’s fine, I promise,” Rand said, attempting to smile. “I just. Um. So. Do you remember that time when I was asking you about—about how you knew you were bi?”

“Uh-huh,” Mat said uncertainly.

“Well. Um. I wasn’t just asking ’cause I was curious.”

Rand paused and took a breath, trying to find the guts to make that final leap. But it turned out he didn’t have to. “Wait,” Mat said, eyes widening. “You mean…are you…?”

Rand let the breath out and nodded.

A broad smile spread across Mat’s face, and he let out a delighted laugh and leaned in to pull Rand into a tight hug. Rand relaxed into him right away, gratefully burying his face in Mat’s shoulder and clinging to him. “You’re shaking,” Mat said, his voice so soft and gentle it made Rand melt. “Please don’t tell me you thought I was going to react badly?”

“No, of course not. Not exactly,” Rand said. “I just wasn’t sure if—if you’d believe me, I mean, I’ve never even done anything with a guy, not like you have, so how could I know for real—”

“Of course I believe you, Rand,” Mat said firmly. “If you think you are, then you are. You don’t have to have done anything with anyone to know. I’m sorry I called you the straightest person I know that day when you were asking, I shouldn’t have done that—it didn’t even occur to me that you were asking for yourself but it seems so obvious now, I’m such an idiot—”

“No, it’s okay. I didn’t even know why I was asking, at least not a hundred percent,” Rand said. “And I don’t want you to think that—that I’m just, like, trying to copy you or something—like, it was because of you that I started thinking about it, but just because it wasn’t until then that I realized that…that I even could, you know? It always seemed like an other people thing, but then finding out it was a you thing, it made me realize maybe…maybe it could be a me thing too.”

Mat finally pulled back from the hug. The look on his face, so tender and proud, made Rand ache with the desire to kiss him. “It’s an us thing,” Mat said, and Rand smiled shyly at him. “I’m glad I could help, though for your sake I hope you find a better bi role model soon.”

Rand laughed. “I don’t know anyone else who’s bi.”

“I have some friends,” Mat said. “There’s Elayne, we hooked up once last semester when we had a physics class together—I mean, we didn’t hook up during class, that was just how we met—”

“Elayne? The same Elayne from Egwene’s international relations class?” Egwene had been talking about her for the past few weeks while they’d been working on a partner project together. Mat nodded, and Rand narrowed his eyes. “I thought Egwene said she had a girlfriend, Christ, Mat, did you—”

“What sort of a homewrecker do you think I am?” Mat said indignantly. “They have an open relationship. That means they’re allowed to date other people. Or sleep with other people.”

“I know what it means,” said Rand, who had not known what it meant. Sleeping with other people with your partner’s permission? Being able to date more than one person without any of them being hurt or jealous? That was a thing? Fascinating.

“And so, Elayne and I hooked up and then I walked her back to her place the next morning and her girlfriend invited me to stay for breakfast, and we all had a great time,” Mat said. “They’re both bi, I’ll introduce you to them next semester if you want.”

Rand’s heart swelled at the thought. “That…that would be nice. Thank you.”

“Thank you. For telling me,” Mat said. “I love you, and all that sappy shit you guys said to me.”

“I love you too.” Did Rand have it in him to tell Mat that he meant it in a new way now? This was going very well so far…

Mat still had one arm around his shoulders, and he was absentmindedly stroking Rand’s upper arm with his thumb. Rand tried not to shiver, tried not to notice how close they were. “Just out of curiosity,” Mat began, “is there…anyone in particular who made you notice? A specific guy you like?”

Rand avoided his eyes, heart racing. “Was there for you? When you were twelve?”

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“Not telling. You’d laugh at me.” Perrin, Rand thought, it must’ve been. Their school had been tiny and Rand couldn’t think of any other boy whom Mat would think he’d laugh about him having liked. “And this is about you today, not me when I was twelve,” Mat continued. “So? Anyone caught your eye?”

Rand shifted a little and glanced nervously at him. It was the perfect opening… “Maybe,” he said.

He expected Mat to start teasing him, but his expression remained carefully neutral. “Anyone I know?”

“…Maybe.”

“Who is it? Maybe I’ve slept with him and I can tell you if he’s worth it or not,” Mat said with a grin that didn’t quite seem effortless.

Rand smiled and looked down at his hands. “No, I wouldn’t trust your opinion of him,” he said. “You’d say he’s not worth it, but I know that he is.”

Mat scoffed. “Oh, come on. I’m a great judge of character. And skill in bed.”

“For other people, maybe.” Rand took a deep breath and looked up at Mat and finally met his eyes. “But not for yourself.”

Silence fell. Mat just stared at him, speechless and stunned—no, “stunned” was a vast understatement for the look on his face. Well, this was it. Rand had just destroyed one of the most important relationships in his life. What had he been thinking?

He cleared his throat and shook Mat’s arm off, turning away and trying to swallow down the tears he could feel welling up, because crying in front of Mat right now would just be the cherry on top of a sundae of humiliation. “Never mind, I’m sorry,” he muttered, but Mat caught his wrist before he could stand up and flee the room.

Rand couldn’t look at him, so he sat there staring miserably at the floor, hoping Mat would just let him walk away with what little dignity remained to him instead of keeping him here to say, what the fuck is wrong with you, Rand, how could you fall in love with me, that’s disgusting, I never want to see you again.

“Do you remember,” Mat said, “in seventh grade, when you punched Ewal Coplin during math because he was making fun of my pants for being too short? You knew the reason they were was because I couldn’t afford to keep buying new ones every time I grew another inch, so you punched him.”

“Obviously I remember that,” Rand said, wondering what the hell this had to do with anything.

Mat’s other hand went to pull on Rand’s shoulder, making him turn around and face him. Rand didn’t have the energy to fight against him, but he kept his eyes firmly on his lap. “We all got sent to the principal’s,” Mat said, hand still on Rand’s shoulder. “I started crying because I knew my parents would be so mad, if they even bothered to show up, and you looked at me and said, ‘I’ll punch them too if they yell at you. I’ll punch the whole world for you.’ And then you gave me the homemade cookies your dad had packed you for lunch. Chocolate chip. You always had him pack an extra one for me, but that day you gave me both of them.”

“Let me go, Mat,” Rand said quietly, voice cracking a little. “Please let me go.”

But Mat stubbornly continued. “I can still picture it so clearly. You were sitting there with a nosebleed and that stupid dragon lunchbox you were way too old for, and you smiled at me, braces and all. And…”

The hand on Rand’s shoulder reached up to touch his chin, so gently, and tilted it up so that Rand was finally forced to look at him. Slowly, he raised his eyes to Mat’s. He was expecting to see disgust, anger, mocking, derision.

But he didn’t. The look on Mat’s face was the most tender and most beautiful thing Rand had ever seen, and it stole the breath from his lungs. Mat’s eyes were shining—with tears, Rand realized, but he was smiling. A smile unlike any Rand had seen from him before, in twenty-one years of knowing him.

Mat’s thumb traced down the bridge of Rand’s nose, crooked from Ewal Coplin’s answering punch that day in seventh grade, down to brush across his lower lip. “And I realized I wanted to kiss you,” he said softly. “And I’ve never stopped wanting to.”

Rand was pretty sure he still hadn’t breathed. It…it was him? The boy when Mat was twelve? How could that be? How could it be true that Mat returned his feelings? This—this was a dream, or Mat was pranking him or—

But no, Rand thought when he finally took another breath. It wasn’t possible to fake the love that was in Mat’s eyes right now, nor could Rand’s imagination have ever supplied it so well.

Slowly, hesitantly, he started to smile too, wider and wider with every second that Mat’s own smile widened. Rand leaned closer but then stopped, some part of him still not letting himself trust that this was real.

So Mat moved the rest of the distance to kiss him. Rand closed his eyes and hungrily kissed him back, trying to catalogue every detail of how it felt. It was his second first kiss ever, his first with a man, his first with someone who wasn’t Egwene. Mat’s beard tickled, that was new…Rand liked it. He didn’t have to lean down very far to reach Mat’s mouth. His lips were thinner and firmer than Egwene’s, his hands bigger as they encircled Rand’s waist and pulled him closer, his body skinnier and harder against him. He tasted different, smelled different, sounded different.

But the pure joy and love thrumming through every one of Rand’s veins, that was exactly the same.

One kiss turned into two, three, four, five, a dozen, until Rand had to pause and rest his forehead on Mat’s shoulder, he was so overwhelmed. He was smiling and laughing and also crying a little, and Mat held him close and petted his hair; Rand could hear him laughing and sniffling too.

“If you ever tell anyone that I cried during our first kiss, I’ll kill you,” Mat said.

Rand let out another watery laugh. “I won’t, ’cause then you’d just tell them that I cried.”

Mat laughed again too, and Rand lifted his head to look up at him. “You really…all along…” Rand said. “Why didn’t you ever say anything? You were always teasing me about Egwene and helping me with her, hell, I don’t know if I ever would’ve asked her out if not for you and Perrin—”

“What else could I do? I knew you’d never feel that way about me, so I tried to ignore my own feelings,” Mat said. “And I tried to do what I could to make you happy, even if it wasn’t with me.”

Rand sniffled past the fresh lump in his throat and gently nosed Mat’s cheek. “Well, I’m happy now. With you,” he said. He smiled. “Fuck, Mat, I—I’m so happy.”

“Yeah.” Mat smiled back, a little tearfully. “Me too.”

Then they were kissing again. Rand lost track of time, and eventually he ended up stretched out on his back on the couch, Mat lying on top of him. “Does anyone else know that you’re bi?” Mat asked, brushing kisses across Rand’s neck and collarbone. “’Cause I want to brag about you to the whole world immediately, but I won’t if you don’t want me to.”

Rand smiled and tugged Mat’s head back up to kiss him on the lips. “Honestly? You’re kind of the last to know,” he said sheepishly. “Perrin and Egwene and Nynaeve and my dad and Moiraine and Siuan and Lan all do.”

Mat huffed. “You came out to Moiraine before me?”

“Well, I was kinda nervous about getting too close to the subject with you seeing as you were the whole reason for my bi awakening in the first place, and I didn’t think you’d be happy if you found out about that.”

“Idiot.” Mat kissed him again. “How’d it go with your dad?”

“Great. He was totally cool about it.”

“Good.” Mat’s smile was genuine, but there was a wistfulness in it that made Rand’s heart ache.

“You should come over for Christmas. You and the girls,” he said, reaching up to play with Mat’s hair. “It’s just me and my dad and we won’t do anything exciting, but it’d be fun having you guys there. You could sleep over on Christmas Eve. Or longer. You could sleep over for all of winter break if you want.”

Mat gave him a small, grateful smile. “Maybe. Usually my parents decide to try actually being parents on Christmas, but I’ll see if I can swing it,” he said. His smile turned sly. “Would I have to share a room with you?”

Rand grinned back at him. “I think you probably would,” he said. “So I guess when I ask my dad if it’s okay, I should mention that you’re my—I mean, that we’re—uh—”

“Boyfriend? Is that what you were gonna say, al’Thor? You asking me to be your boyfriend?” Mat’s expression was one of incredulous delight.

Rand blushed. “If you don’t think it’s moving too fast.”

“I’ve been pining after you for ten years. If we moved any slower, we’d be a glacier,” Mat said, making Rand laugh. “Of course I want to be your…boyfriend.” He said the word around a smile, said it like he’d never heard it before but it was already his new favorite word.

“Really?” Rand said hopefully. “You’ve never wanted to be anyone’s boyfriend before.”

“Because none of them were you.”

Mat went a little pink as he said it, and Rand beamed at him and gave him several kisses in quick succession. “So,” he said. “I’ll have to ask my dad if he’s all right with my boyfriend sleeping over. I mean, I’m an adult and all so what can he say about it, really, but it’s his house, so, seems like the respectful thing to do, asking first.”

“Son of the year, right here.”

“I know.”

“Think he’ll disapprove? Think he’ll worry I’ll corrupt you?” Mat teased.

“Like you haven’t been corrupting me ever since we learned how to walk. But…” Rand shifted his hips pointedly. “Maybe we should take this to my room so you can start corrupting me a little more.”

Mat smirked, sat up, and hopped off the couch. “Oh, you have no idea what you’ve just gotten yourself into.”

When Rand woke up the next morning, Mat was already awake, on his side facing him with a fond smile on his face. “How long have you been just lying there staring at me?” Rand asked through a yawn.

“Longer than I can admit without it being embarrassing,” Mat said.

“Oh, because it’s so embarrassing to admit that you find your boyfriend handsome and like looking at him?”

“Uh-huh. Mortifying.”

Smiling, Rand scooched closer to kiss him, slow and sweet. After a few minutes he forced himself to pull away, making Mat whine. “Come on,” Rand said, climbing out of bed. “You haven’t even started packing yet and Perrin’ll be pissed if we get stuck in traffic because we were kissing all morning.”

Mat heaved a hugely dramatic sigh and got up to steal a pair of Rand’s pajama pants, which were too big on him and looked so adorable that Rand simply had to kiss him just one more time. Then he took Mat’s hand and they went into the kitchen together for a quick breakfast before tackling packing.

Perrin was already there, nursing a mug of coffee and looking exhausted. “Good morning, Perrin!” Mat said cheerfully. Perrin just grunted in reply.

“So,” Rand said, beaming as Mat draped himself over his back, wrapping his arms around him and hugging him from behind. “Mat and I are—”

“Yeah. I know.”

Mat kissed Rand’s shoulder. “He doesn’t seem very happy for us.”

“I would be if you hadn’t kept me up half the night,” Perrin said in a long-suffering tone. “Did you not hear me pounding on the wall?”

Rand blushed. “That was you?” Mat said. “I thought that was just the bed.”

Rand blushed harder. “Mat!”

Perrin made a gagging noise, but then he shook his head and laughed. “No, really, congrats. ’Course I’m happy for you,” he said. “But we’re setting some house rules next semester, or else I’m moving out onto Egwene and Nynaeve’s couch.”

January

Moiraine smiled as she looked out at the quad, bustling and full of life once more on the first day of the semester. “It’s good to have the students back,” Siuan said, looping her arm through Moiraine’s as they walked. “Too quiet without them.”

“Mmm. Because who would want quiet and peace of mind and spare time to work on research?”

“Not you and we both know it,” Siuan said, and Moiraine chuckled. “How were your classes today?”

“A promising start,” Moiraine said. “Even if Mat Cauthon did inexplicably sign up for one. I don’t know what he’s playing at. He isn’t a history major and he completed his graduation requirement first semester of his freshman year. He has no need of this class whatsoever. And he arrived on time, smiled at me, didn’t disrupt my lecture, even took notes.” She huffed. “He’s up to something.”

“Or maybe,” Siuan said, “he wants to make an effort to get along with you for Rand’s sake?”

Moiraine scoffed. “No, it’s all part of a larger plot to torment me. I’m certain of it.”

“If you insist, dear. Speak of the devil…”

Moiraine followed her gaze and spotted Mat a little ways away, sneaking up on Rand with a handful of snow, which he shoved down the back of Rand’s coat, making him shout in surprise. “Children, the pair of them,” Moiraine said, and no, that certainly was not fondness that was seeping into her voice. “To think they’ll be graduating in a few months and going out into the world.”

A little wistfully, she watched as Rand chased Mat across the quad as if to get revenge, but when he caught up to him, all he did was pull him in for a kiss. Mat laughed and wrapped his arms around Rand and kissed him again, and Moiraine found herself thinking of walking along this quad hand-in-hand with Siuan decades ago when they were undergrads. Every year students came and went, and every year the two of them stayed.

Siuan squeezed her hand. “Don’t worry,” she said. “I doubt we’ll ever be rid of them even if we wanted to be.”