Work Text:
Under normal circumstances, even the dullest of Coven Scouts would question why someone as irritatingly shrewd as the Owl Lady would leave something so valuable as Palisman Wood out in the open. But Steven was a Guard Captain, and he hadn’t gotten that position by asking such questions. Or any questions at all, for that matter.
He dropped the surprisingly light box of ‘Luz’s Palistrom Wood’ onto the rickety wooden table without a second thought, which sent a plume of dust directly into his unmasked face.
”Scouts,” he rasped before a harsh, whooping cough wracked his body and doubled him over for about a minute.
Once he was certain he had cleared the dust from his lungs, he stood upright once again and cleared his throat.
“Scouts,” he repeated. “We have completed quite possibly the most difficult task the Emperor could have asked of us: ransacking the Owl Lady’s home. I believe that calls for celebration. Buried deep within each and every one of your ration packs, you will find—”
“Aw, sweet,” one scout exclaimed. “Grim crackers!”
Steven clenched his jaw.
“You will find those, yes.” He cleared his throat again. “Along with–”
“I got murder-mallows!”
“YOU ALL–!” Steven took a deep breath, composed himself, and continued. “Yes… how observant. But, as you may be aware, we lack the kindling to make s’mor-bids.”
The guards hung their heads, scuffing the ground like pouty children. Steven allowed himself a smirk.
”Or, rather… we lacked the kindling.”
Said heads quickly snapped towards Steven as he turned his attention to the cardboard box, placing his gloved hands on either side of the lid, and ripped off the top. He stared into the box for several seconds before turning back to his troops.
”Little known fact: it is entirely possible to incinerate toenails.“
With little fanfare, Steven flipped the box. Its contents spilled onto the table like keratin toothpicks. Several gagged.
”Rest assured,” he declared, slightly cowed, “they come in abundance.”