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Team wasn’t sure where he was exactly – physically he was in his car heading back to the dorms, Win driving, and a bag of home-cooked food wafting from the back seat. Mentally, however, Team couldn’t really tell. It had been several years since he had struggled so much to escape the accident – normally when it forced itself into his waking life, Team was able to push it aside until he was himself again – until the event was once again the thing that haunts his dreams. That was a lie he told himself too, it always waited just in the peripheral but generally, he could ignore it when he was awake. The last time it lingered past fluttered eyelids was in his first year of high school and it ended with him nearly walking into traffic only saved because he was knocked down by one of his friends. This time it was worse, Team could already recognize that.
He had left his parents’ house around noon the day before and Win forced him into the shower at the hotel when it was nearing seven that night – Team had been with Ton for at least six hours and yet he remembered almost none of it. It had been an endless loop of witnessing his aunt’s grief and begging Ton for forgiveness intertwined into some indiscernible blob. He couldn’t remember calling Win – Win swore that Team didn’t ask him to come, that Team had sounded upset and nearly incomprehensible, that he came because he was worried, and Team believed him, but he couldn’t even remember thinking about Win. He hadn’t even noticed it was raining until Win arrived and was soaking wet, only then had Team become aware that his own clothes were clinging uncomfortably to his body.
Team had pulled himself together enough for his parents not to ask any questions – they rarely did when it came to Ton nothing that goes beneath the surface anyway, it was a blind spot in the family and Team never tried to get a flashlight to change that. Highlighting it would just create more problems, he had dealt with it for years without them already anyway. But in truth, Team was not in the car, not really. He was actually somewhere between the pool and Ton’s grave – the funeral, the screaming, the accusations. He could hear the words, smell the chlorine…
“We’re here Team,” Win sounded tired too, maybe a nap would solve some of the problems.
They headed to Team’s room first without any discussion and Team shuffled towards his mini fridge first, “Hia, you want some fried pork? My dad makes the best fried pork,” he could do this, just pretend that he is present until they go to sleep and then hopefully, he’ll wake up in the dorm and not in the funeral home, “I’ll put some in the box for you,”
Win had sat heavily on the bed, eyes watching Team closely. Win straightened some and even in his disconnected state, Team recognized the preparation before posing a question, “Are you feeling better now? About yesterday…”
Team recognized the subtle desperation and unease that wavered beneath the surface of that question. He didn’t want to lie to Win, but there wasn’t anything Win could do – nothing Win could fix. This was just how Team was sometimes; his normal. Drowning, “Umm. I’m fine,” he hoped the forced cheer read more honest than it sounded to his own ears. With the pork safely boxed and bagged, Team turned fully to Win and held it out. But Win wabbled as he stood, “Hey! Hia. What’s the matter?”
“Just a headache,”
“Sit down!” Team guided Win back to the bed and dropped the bag unceremoniously, quickly placing the back of his hand on Win’s forehead, “You’re on fire. Why didn’t you tell me you were sick? You drove all the way back too,” had to…Team knew that. Who knows what would have happened if he had driven with his mind so muffled? That made the guilt deeper.
“I’ll be better once I take some medicine,” Win sounded tired more than anything.
“This is because you rode your bike in the rain, right?” his fault, always his fault, everything is always his fault.
“Sick people can be sick without any reasons,”
Win forced eye contact hoping to ease Team’s guilt – it only spiked it, “You should rest,” Team guided Win back further and got him under the covers, “I’ll bring you medicine,” Win being sick was Team’s fault and it was unfair – he should be the one sick, it’s what he deserved. Team shook his head just slightly trying to rid the unwelcome thoughts, at least for a few minutes.
Caring for a sick Win was something Team could focus on, something that distracted from the voice of his aunt that fluttered into his ears when he wasn’t paying attention or the cracking sound that he could still hear which had come from Ton’s lifeless body when the chest compressions splintered his ribs. Win was here, where Team should be – where Team was trying to be. He couldn't afford to be stuck inside his head right now, Win needed him.
The sky had grown dark when Team had finished cooling Win down for the fourth time, “Hia… Hia,” eventually Win’s eyes blinked open, they were clearer than they had been hours ago but still hazed with fever, “Get up and take these meds,” Team gently helped Win into a sitting position before handing him the pills and a glass of water. He watched carefully as the pills were swallowed and the water was drunk, using the moment to ground him in the present.
“You should be sleeping already,” Win’s voice was concerned but still weaker than it should be, “You have an early class tomorrow, don’t you?”
The idea of sleeping turned Team’s stomach, he hadn’t intended to sleep at all. The voice of his aunt and the pungent smell of chlorine was still lingering far too closely – sleeping was a bad idea, “Yeah…I’ll go to sleep after I’ve finished cleaning this up,” the image of Ton, laying flat on a rescue board, with a grown man attempting to resuscitate him blocked Team’s vision as he emptied the remaining water down the sink – sleeping was a very bad idea. The spike of hopelessness and panic that surged through his body made him nauseous.
But Win was waiting. No doubt refusing to fully fall asleep until Team laid down beside him. So, with resignation, Team did just that – he kept his breathing as normal as possible, despite the rising anxiety that started to fester at his core, and positioned himself beside Win quietly.
The panic subsided for a moment when Win turned towards him and burrowed his face into Team’s shoulder, “You’re cold?”
“Mmmm,”
His hands shook slightly, but Team still pulled the blankets tight around Win, “Get well soon, Hia,” he curled up around him, hoping to offer some comfort. He wanted to be good at this – to help Win recover quickly. He could feel as Win fell deeper and deeper into sleep, his body relaxing – like each muscle slowly unraveled against Team’s taught ones.
Sleeping now would be dangerous. He was aware enough to know that. Team could hear his aunt screaming at him, blaming him for Ton’s death – he could feel the chlorine burn his nose and throat as he choked for air – the way he had clawed at the concrete pool deck once he had finally managed to reach it, how he had struggled to get out the water gagging and gasping and crying, the broken blood vessels burning his eyes and blurring his vision and then –
“Ton!!”
Team’s whole body jolted and snapped into a blind panic at the screech – he couldn’t breathe. The panic bubbled into his throat and blocked his airway, so he scratched and ripped the fabric away – tearing at it desperately. He freed himself and slipped from the bed, his back and shoulder colliding painfully with the wood flood and his head smacking into the nightstand.
Win shifted and mumbled something, but the medicine and illness kept him blissfully unaware of the situation. Unburdened by Team for once.
Team stayed on the floor, breathing shallowly and shaking for at least a half hour before he was able to climb to his feet and staggered to the bathroom.
Why’d you kill my son?
Team’s ears were ringing as everything continued on a loop. He forced himself to take deep breaths counting the seconds as he did.
*~*~*~*
The residual hum does not dissipate – it remained constant throughout the following day, making it challenging for Team to follow conversations. Most people wrote it off – his insomnia was acting up. Dean commented about Win – which led to a whole different conversation that Team wasn’t ready to have, and isn’t capable of having at the moment with his mind so unstable. He just can’t shake the graveyard – his aunt – Ton. Everything is just out of sight – he can hear it – he can feel it.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Pharm asked as their class ended – Manaow had to run off to start preparing for auditions, “You seem…really lost…”
Team couldn’t quite place the concern in Pharm’s voice, but he nodded anyway, “Just tired Pharm…”
There’s an observant look that Pharm gave him, as though he was trying to spot the problem through sheer strength of will, “I mean it…something is wrong, isn’t it? I know,” Pharm paused struggling, “you share things with Win that you don’t with Manaow and me. And I know he’s sick right now. But if you need anything, please tell me,”
The desperation confused Team as he struggled to see the whole picture, “Nothing is wrong,” it wasn’t a lie – this was normal for Team – it used to be anyway. It would pass, hopefully, before Win fully recovered so that he didn’t have to deal with it.
“Something is wrong, Team,” Pharm pressed clenching his fingers around his bag tightly, “Something is very wrong, and I don’t know how to help if you don’t tell me what it is,”
Team blinked back numbly, still struggling to understand – struggling more perhaps.
“Team? Team!” Pharm repeated louder as Dean entered the classroom, “Hey – focus on me,”
“What’s going on?”
“I don’t know, Team – hey, look at me Team!”
Team tried to focus, but Pharm was drowned out by the sound of splashing water and screams.
“Team?” Dean bent down enough to look Team in the eyes, “Pharm, when did he stop responding?”
“I don’t know. He was out of it – lost – he’s been so lost all day…”
“Team?” Dean tried again, putting his hands on each of Team’s arms – squeezing gently, “Team? Do you know who I am?”
Team’s eyes were vacant – hollow – unnervingly so, gazing unseeingly through Dean.
“Team? Answer me,”
“Dean…” the response sounded thick like cold honey, “I’m fine… 'm sorry,”
why’d you kill my son?
Dean felt Team’s entire body flinch under him as though someone had just taken a hand to him, “Team – you need to tell us what’s wrong,”
“Nothing’s –
You killed Ton!
Wrong,” Team panted out, trying to hide from the past and the screams of his aunt.
“Team –“
“I,” Team felt so sluggish – so slow, “I need to go take care of Win – Hia still has a fever,”
Dean nodded slowly and glanced at Pharm, “can you call Win?”
“Hia’s sick,” why’d you do it, Team? Why’d you kill Ton? “Don’t disturb him,”
“Hello Win –“ Pharm moved a few paces away, eyes locked on Team.
“Team?” Dean called again, “I need you to focus on me, can you do that?” he could feel Team shiver.
“Don’t,” Team realized breathing was hard, “bother Hia – I’m not worth it,” everything would be better.
Dean scowled, giving Team a gentle shake to try and bring back his focus, “that’s nonsense – Win told me this morning that he was feeling normal, 90%, and to keep an eye on you. He thinks you haven’t been sleeping…”
I’ll get the silver and you the gold!
“He wasn’t sure ‘cause of the fever, but said you seemed distant – he was concerned because of whatever happened this past weekend,” Dean tried to peer into Team’s eyes to get an answer there, but they were shifting focus in and out never fully acknowledging Dean at all, “Team? Let’s sit you down, alright?”
Why not me?
“There you go,” Dean hadn’t removed his hands, still trying to reach through the fog that had invaded Team, “Pharm?”
“Win is coming – he doesn’t know what’s happening either,” the words were spiked with panic, “he sounded really worried…”
“Shouldn’t be…” Team sputtered quietly, pulling himself back as best he could, “no reason…I’m not the one that…”
“One that what? Keep talking to us Team,” Dean coached, he hated seeing the person who brought so much light and life into his friend’s life look so broken.
“I’m fine,” Team swallowed, forcing nausea down, “don’t bother Hia,”
“It’s not a bother!” Pharm lightly reprimanded, “something is wrong, and you need help – he wants to help…I want to help too…”
With a sluggish shake of the head Team denied everything again, “nothing’s wrong,” he’d be in his third year of university - why’d you kill my son, Team flinched again coupled with a panicked breath.
“Team?!”
“Stay calm Pharm,” Dean spoke softly, “Team, just focus on us – we want to help, alright?”
“You shouldn’t,” he tried to pant away nausea, “it’s fine – nothing – nothing is wrong,”
“You drove this morning!” Pharm suddenly squeaked out of nowhere, “you shouldn’t – what if –“
“Pharm,” Dean brushed his shoulder against Pharm’s to gain his attention, unwilling to release Team but still desperate to give comfort, “not now Pharm – please,”
It would have been better if I was the one who’d died.
Something froze within Team, that’s not what he meant though – he didn’t mean to put himself into dangerous positions – but he kept doing it didn’t he? He kept doing it.
“Team – none of that! You focus on us,” Dean shook him again more forceful than he had previously, “focus on us and breathing,”
No wonder Win had traveled so far in the rain, Team always put himself in danger – how selfish of him…he’d endangered Win’s life with that call…he should have never done that. He should have just been quiet…
“Team!”
Pharm’s voice jarred Team back into his body with a gasp, “I’m fine…nothing’s wrong…”
“Team, something is wrong, and you have to let us help,”
In a moment of absolute clarity, the first since he’d dangled the gold medal for Ton, Team realized what exactly was going on – that he’d worried Pharm and Dean enough that they’d stayed with him cornered in a classroom out of fear for his safety, “it’s - I’ll be alright…it happens sometimes,” he mumbled softly – ashamed to admit it but desperate to give them comfort. His mind was still cloudy, and he could already feel himself drifting again; that night in the rain had been too much, really…too real – too honest.
“What do you mean, Team? What is this?” Dean still sounded like a coach, except he wasn’t coaching swimming – something deeper than that, “Team?”
He licked his lips several times trying to decide what he should say. Team had never been to a doctor for it – the near drowning itself, yes. He had spent a night in the hospital – but the aftereffects, no. He once mentioned it to their swim coach, shortly after, because the thought of getting back in the water absolutely terrified him, but the man had told him he’d get over it – brush it off…
Team wasn’t stupid, he’d looked and searched the internet himself before; survivors’ guilt, PTSD, anxiety, dissociation. Of course, none of those were right either – it was just his mind playing with him. He was just weak – Ton was the one who had been hurt that day, not Team. Team had been completely fine, he had no right.
“Team,” Dean’s voice had an odd bend to it now, like it was starting to break, “what’s happening here, Team?”
“Team!” Win practically missed the door as his shoes lost traction, “what happened?”
“We don’t know – he says it’s happened before,” Pharm responded quietly.
“I’m sorry, Hia…”
“What –“
“You shouldn’t – shouldn’t have –“ he was drowning again, wasn’t he?
“Do we need to go to the hospital?” Pharm’s question hung in the air as Dean moved to the left allowing Win to crouch down in front of Team, “Something is wrong, and he needs help…” he repeated again.
“Team – deep breaths for me,” Win soothed, “just like we do for the nightmares, alright? You’re safe, you’re with me, and no one is hurt,”
“I’m sorry…”
“None of that,” Win forced Team to look at him, “no apologies,”
“You’re sick…”
“I’m fine,” Win grabbed Team dangling hand and placed it against his own forehead, then cheek, and finally neck, “no fever. You’ve taken good care of me – what happened?”
Team shook his head again, it was far clearer now than it had been when Dean arrived, but there was still so much cotton.
If I had not let you play with him that day, you’d still be here.
“Team?” Win tried again, searching.
“Sorry, Hia…I’m always causing you trouble,”
Dean, who still had ahold of Team’s left arm, gave a small shake, “you’re not causing trouble for needing help,”
“Another class is going to start soon…” Pharm spoke softly, forcing calmness into his words, “why don’t we go – Team, can you –“
With forced focus, Team looked passed his teammates and toward Pharm. His friend looked so upset, it almost sent Team back down into the darkness, “I’m fine Pharm – just,” he struggled to find the right words, “this weekend was a lot, and my brain can’t keep up…” he felt the understanding and unneeded urgency pulse through Win as he spoke.
“Team…” Win’s voice cracked badly at the admission, “you said…”
He tried to defend himself, but all Team could manage was a panicked sound from the back of his throat – he caused problem after problem.
“Win – why don’t we all head over to my place? Or Pharm’s apartment?” Dean interjected quietly, “unless you think Team needs to go to the hospi –“
“No!” Team felt a jolt rush through him like fire, “I’m just being stupid! I’m the problem, it’s not – no I’m fine, I don’t - there’s no –“
Win quieted him by drawing into a hug – if Team had been more coherent, he’d be mortified knowing both Dean and Pharm were watching – “let’s go then, huh?”
He finds it a bit easier to stay present with Win holding his arm, pulling him along - it’s still a struggle though. A weakness Team hates. As they exit the building a blast of warm air rushes them, but the breeze still sends a strong shiver through his entire body – the involuntary shaking earns him a concerned look from Win, his eyebrows tucked tight, and his lips drawn thin – a pained concern that makes Team feel responsible.
“Win,” Pharm called out just as the four started to separate heading to their respective cars, “come to my apartment?” It’s half question half request, “I need to see that he’s okay,” he added calmly as Dean moved to lead him to the passenger seat.
“I’m fine, Pharm…” Team’s reassurance is mumbled so softly that only Win heard it.
“We’ll be right there Pharm,” Win called out guiding Team to his seat, “Team? Are you with me?” He paused leaning over to strap Team in the car, “How bad is this?”
“Not bad – been worse,” Team managed to respond. A lot of the fog had cleared since Win had arrived – maybe he was the magic wand, “sorry…”
With a small sigh, Win shut the door and hurried around to the other side, “don’t say sorry for something like this,”
“But you’re still sick,”
“I’m fine – you took good care of me, I already told you,” he hesitated, glancing at Team a few times, “what is this exactly?”
“I don’t know,” Team shuddered again suddenly chilled, “sometimes things get…distant. Like I’m somewhere else – like I’m back by the pool…” he wrapped his arms around himself, suppressing another shiver, “it’s always loud cause I can hear everything – she blamed me – I’m to blame…”
“Hey, none of that,” Win finally started the car, deciding to drive with one hand and hold Team with his other, “does this help,”
“Mmm, I’m really fine Hia – It’s better. I didn’t mean for Pharm to worry,” His body had started to shiver more, pulsing uncomfortably, “I didn’t want to bother you either…”
“You cold?”
“Numb, more than anything…”
Win squeezed Team’s hand, “how bad is it – honestly – I’ve never seen you like this before…”
Most of the residual noise had finally reseeded, and the voice of his aunt had once again sank beneath the surface too – though he could tell it was still close, ready to break into his mind at any point – but it was better, “Better…It got bad with Pharm. I don’t know, Hia. It,” he shivered again, unsure of how to explain it, “being home, visiting Ton was like the tide coming in – except it never went back out. It got stuck somehow. And so, it has been rising and falling since…it came in too far today. The tide was too high,”
Win nodded slowly, “How high is it normally?”
“Normally – normally, it’s a few feet away,” he admitted, “I can feel it, but it doesn’t take me. It can – it has – but it isn’t that close,
“The other night –“
“I was under…” Team felt guilty saying it aloud – ashamed to admit something so small could destroy his stability, “I went under – and I didn’t really come back up until just now in the classroom… I,” he hesitated, it was strange coming back into one’s self suddenly, confusing enough for Team he could only imagine how outrageous it must seem to Win.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Team looked down at their joined hands for a moment, he could think of a hundred reasons why he hadn’t mentioned it. Some would hurt Win, like that he wasn’t sure the older man would believe him – his old friends hadn’t, and some that sounded far too much like lies. “You were sick, Hia…”
Win took several purposeful breaths, carefully easing the car onto the final street, “sometimes Team, we both might be unwell at the same time and that doesn’t mean one of us gets to pretend they are fine,”
Team shivered again, a more violent shudder that racked through him like wind through a bush, “sorry…I didn’t – I knew, but I didn’t know…I’m not making any sense, Hia…”
They could see Pharm waiting just outside his door for them to arrive, clearly still very distressed over the whole thing, shifting his weight back and forth.
“How are you right now?” Win said cutting the engine, “Like, I don’t know, are you close to going under again?” he mimicked the analogy hesitantly, clearly uncomfortable at the prospect of Team underwater.
It was a good question, a question that Team likely wouldn’t have been able to answer a few hours ago, but things appeared to have settled – like a torn rubber band finally snapping. He knew who he was, where he was, when he was, and he knew his aunt was hours away – that she had in some way forgiven or at the very least freed herself of hatred towards him…he knew Ton was dead…
“Team?”
“Sorry, Hia,” Team repeated his apology, feeling it should be said on loop given the situation, “I am where I normally am,” the admission was quiet and bittersweet he realized, his normal was so close to not.
Win gave Team’s hand one last squeeze before climbing out of the car, “He’s alright Pharm,”
“I’m sure he is…” Pharm had started opening Team’s door as he called out, “Right, Team?”
“Sorry I worried you Pharm…” internally sighing as he watched the tension bleed out from Pharm’s body.
“What caused it?”
“Later – come on, let’s get inside. Pharm, do you or Dean have any blankets or sweaters? Team’s been shivering…”
“Of course! I’ll go grab those right now,”
“Hia…”
“You don’t have to explain anything you don’t want to, to anyone – including me. But, it would probably be a good idea to tell him something. Pharm is with you when I can’t be…”
Team gave a reluctant nod, but still tried to avoid it, “it doesn’t happen often though Hia…and Pharm has his own stuff to do, not just babysit me,”
“Team,”
“It really isn’t that big of a deal, I wasn’t –“
“Team,”
“Are you guys coming?” Dean step out of the apartment, giving each a once over, and then tilted his head towards the door, “Pharm said something about Team being cold – there’s no wind inside.”
Win smiled softly as he led Team, “Is that a fact? I had no idea,”
“Fuck off, Win. Are you feeling better, Team?” Dean questioned carefully moving Team to the sofa where Pharm had piled a number of blankets, “You feeling a bit more present?”
“Yeah,” he shuddered again when Dean gently laid the thickest blanket around his shoulders, “I’m alright Dean…sorry for being so, ya know?”
Pharm came back into the room with a hot mug of tea and two more sweatshirts hanging over one of his arms, “Are you warm enough now? I made you some tea,”
“Your Pharm is so cute and sweet,”
“Fuck off, Win,”
Pharm handed over the mug with a snicker.
“Thanks…”
An awkward calm fell over the entire room and Team could feel all the eyes on him. He wanted to make light of the situation, brush it off, but he doubted Pharm would let it go – certainly not after Team completely zoned out in the classroom.
As if reading his’s mind, “What was that, Team?” Dean started as he sat in the nearby chair, “Did something happen? Were you in shock? Is that why you’re so chilled?”
“This weekend?” Pharm’s eyes scanned over Team and flashed up to Win, who still stood off to the side, “What happened this weekend?”
“One thing at a time, Pharm,” Win sat down beside Team, pressed as close as he dared.
“It was really nothing…I just –“
“You didn’t recognize us,” Dean interjected softly, “you weren’t in the classroom, Team,”
Team felt himself freeze, “I just – sometimes…”
“Sometimes Team gets a bit lost, thinking about stuff,” Win cut him off, hoping to get the point across without exposing too much, “Some complicated things that he doesn’t really want to share, right?”
Team nodded, “yeah…”
“He told me, he kinda knows when it’s happening but I don’t think he can really stop it –“ Win glanced at Team for confirmation before continuing, “he said it was kinda like being at the beach in the tide – he goes under,” his hands twitched even saying it.
“Yeah…like that…”
“How do we help next time?”
“Uh…just…” he sighed, wrapping his hands around the warm cup, “make sure I don’t do something stupid? That’s really it…I come back, sometimes it just takes a minute…”
“Days,” Win whispered out loud enough for everyone to hear, it sounded almost desperate to Team’s ears, “Sometimes he said it takes days,”
“Okay,”
“Team?” Pharm waited until Team looked, “whenever you are ready – you can tell me anything? Okay? I’ll always listen,”
Emotion flooded Team, “Thanks,”
With ease, Dean changed the topic shifting it over to club activities and particularly the baking competition that Pharm’s club was going to be hosting next month.
Team settled further into the warm blanket and leaned into Win, who acted as if nothing shifted. The conversation around him continued, but Team stopped following relishing the heat.
“You can nap if you want, Team,” Win whispered to him sometime later, “I’m not going anywhere and I’ll wake you up when it’s time to go,”
“Mmm,” Team’s eyelids did feel heavy, “love you, Hia,” he hadn’t intended on saying it – hadn’t meant to, but it still slipped from his lips with quiet adoration.
Win stiffened for a millisecond, gasping in soft surprise, “I love you too, Team. I love you too.”
Team could hear the smile in Win’s voice, but he had already allowed the warm darkness to envelope him.