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When Katsuki finally dared to confess, he was certain that, even though Izuku might be surprised, he would be answered with one of those beaming smiles and hopefully, a kiss.
Thinking back at it, it took him just a few moments into their newly restored relationship back in high school to realise his feelings were deeper and way more complicated than he initially thought.
The inferiority complex slid away to give place to warmth on his cheeks and butterflies in his stomach.
At the time, he hated it. Hated it especially because he had no right to love Izuku.
Not so soon at least.
Their friendship with time evolved into a professional partnership and a shared house. It took them to month-long missions and late-night drinks on their balcony.
Izuku not only forgave him when he mustered enough courage to talk about their past but even went the extra mile to show him how far they both had come from those times. He showed Katsuki what a mature, responsible, dedicated hero and friend he had become. How well they lived and worked together to make the world a better place.
And Katsuki basked on it. Izuku has always trailed behind him, now seeing him glow beside him did things to his heart.
He had become Katsuki’s everything. Best friend, agency co-owner, hero partner, roommate, the love of his life and it gave him the belief they could be even more.
He just had to take the next step.
So he did.
He was ready for the next change in their dynamics, it might take them a while to become proper partners in life, but they could do it as easy as taking down villains together.
He couldn't wait to be able to grab his hand or hold Izuku close after a long day. To call their dinner outings dates and take him to fancy places he deserved. To finally use only one bedroom in their apartment, and share everything together.
He couldn't wait, seriously.
So, it came as a surprise when Izuku’s shocked expression didn't melt into fondness as he expected.
Turning into something that screamed apologies.
“I’m flattered Kacchan, I really am. Anyone that has the blessing of catching your attention is a lucky person.”
Katsuki could feel his whole body lighting on fire from the insides. That was not part of the conversation in his head.
“...you don’t feel the same.”
Izuku smiled sadly at him and shook his head.
“I don't. I'm sorry Kacchan.”
He managed a nod and a barely audible ‘excuse me’ before bolting from their balcony back into his room.
He wouldn't cry. No, he had to think rationally.
That was an outcome he had not predicted but was totally possible. He should have accounted for that.
He should have seen that the nerd that always had his eyes on him did not see him that way. The one that admired him since they were babies, that pushed him forward, that made him into a better man.
He did not love him.
Katsuki managed to hold his breaking heart inside for long enough to hear their front door closing.
The sound was enough to make way for his tears.
His shouts.
His explosions and all the feelings he was so sure he made past with for years now dripped down his face. The feeling of inadequacy, of inferiority, of having scarred Izuku’s life so badly that he could never look at Katsuki as a potential partner.
The self-hatred, all those years he spent bettering himself only to realize he would never be good enough. Not calm enough, not polite enough, not proper enough for someone as immaculate as Izuku was.
He knew he had flaws but always hoped they would not be what drive him so far from him. He had fucked up his chances long before he even knew he wanted to have them. Did Izuku even want him in all the other parts of his life or was he just too selfless to say no?
He climbed into his bed, explosions popping from his hands burning the linen but he couldn't care less. It wasn't supposed to hurt so much, it wasn't supposed to hurt at all. Where did he go wrong?
- - -
He wakes up hours later to a pounding headache and one in his door.
“Kacchan? Please open up! The smell is all over the apartment, please tell me you are ok!”
He sniffs the air and cringes at the burnt around his room. His bed is destroyed, and he can't see past his palm.
Smoke is all over the place and probably all over the apartment.
Another knock comes with Izuku's muffled voice.
“Kacchan I’m breaking in!”
“Do-don’t!”
He coughs as his voice breaks past his dry throat.
“Oh thank god you’re ok, please open the door Kacchan, I'm worried!”
His first response is anger. Izuku has no right to be worried. He caused this.
But he... didn't actually, did he?
Izuku the ever-bleeding heart probably died on the inside to say those words earlier. Knowing him, he left to give Katsuki the space he knew he needed.
So he could sort out his feelings and Katsuki could do the same.
He probably wants to talk so they can solve this together like a damn case or something. And he came back to a house almost on fire.
“Give me a minute.”
He is still hurting. Seeing the nerd will probably make him want to fight him or cry his heart out once again and he hates it.
He is not a crier. Izuku is.
He also can’t open the door like this and he honestly doesn't want to. So he ignores the hurting in his whole body and gets up, opening the windows in his bedroom and bathroom.
He runs a bath and soothes the aches on his hands from the exertion of holding his quirk back. He takes his time and even throws his bedding out.
It looks liveable now and it now makes his head work a little better.
So he opens the door.
Izuku is sitting right by the side of it, face streak of tears and knuckles white from holding on his jeans.
“Kacchan, I’m so sorry. Please don't hate me.”
He scrambles to get up and holds into his shirt for dear life.
“I-it took me by surprise, I wasn't expecting it, I never thought Kacchan would see me that way...”
“Nerd, stop rambling.”
It takes everything in him not to scream and shout and mentally he pats himself for being so proper.
“Let’s talk.”
And they do. Over tea and a lot of crying from Izuku and a few tears, Katsuki will deny to his grave.
Izuku didn't love him.
Not because he was “all of those horrible things Kacchan, never!” no, he just, didn't see him that way.
“I never gave relationships much thought, I don’t have the time. How can I save people if I have a liability? If I can hurt someone without meaning to?”
Katsuki wanted to differ, but he didn’t. His pride had suffered enough for one night.
“You're the most amazing person I know Kacchan, anyone that you love is a lucky bastard. I know that.”
He knew that too. But it hurt as fuck not to be Izuku.
He wanted to forget that night. Put it behind him.
Behind them.
And Izuku agreed.
It took a couple of weeks for things to resemble some sort of normalcy again. But surely they did. Katsuki tried his best to get over their fallout and with a little encouragement, he went back to therapy.
He clearly still had a lot to unpack.
Izuku did too. He admitted to a near panic attack on that day. And he knew his view of possible relationships and his work was mangled, he had work to do as well.
With time, they managed to go back to their typical daily lives and things were looking well enough.
- - -
It is almost two years later when after another failed date, Izuku comes home to Katsuki cooking in their kitchen.
“Thought you were out today?”
“I could say the same.”
Izuku shrugs. He never manages to get past a few dates with anyone. He is almost convinced that it isn't for him.
“And you?”
“I cancelled.”
“Why?”
Katsuki goes quiet, stirring the pot while Izuku puts the table for both of them. When they sit, Katsuki has a sombre expression in his eyes and Izuku remembers well the last time he had seen that.
“They weren't you.”
Izuku nods.
They had never spoken of that night again. Not ever to anyone.
It didn't mean he forgot about it, or that it didn't come to his mind every time he analysed Katsuki’s actions. For a good while, he could feel Katsuki’s love for him in every daily mundane action.
Until he announced he wanted to give dating a try.
Katsuki was supportive but his actions started to seem more like an obligation than out of love. Their lives worked just the same but the static in the air made living together like breathing under the water.
It had been six months now.
And it has worn Izuku down to a point he thinks he would prefer fighting the whole Tartarus than going on another date.
And telling Katsuki about it. That is the part that hurt him the most.
So no, his confession this time doesn't take him by surprise.
“I see.”
They finish dinner in silence and Izuku goes back to his room. He just can't sleep.
It is clear they are stuck on that night still, Katsuki is not over him and Izuku is just… not over everything if he is to be honest.
He still remembers vividly the despair and physical pain he felt entering the clouded apartment. His heart bled just thinking of Katsuki doing anything to hurt himself because of him.
He asked for forgiveness for not loving him back but it wasn't the whole truth.
He knows now he was afraid of loving him back. Katsuki is too important to lose and loving him means he would suffer tenfold if something was ever to happen.
Katsuki means everything to him. Always had.
But then, he was still too afraid to acknowledge it.
Seeing Katsuki being so open and admitting to still loving him stirred something Izuku did not want to touch yet. But he can't accept hurting them both anymore.
He gets up and knocks on Katsuki’s door.
“Come in.”
Izuku can’t remember the last time he entered Katsuki’s room. Probably way before that night.
Their interactions went back to normal but some barriers they never crossed back. And this was one of them.
He opens the door with shaking hands and stands at the door frame, not wanting to impose. Katsuki is on his bed reading a book under the bedside lamp light and Izuku doesn't want to admit but he looks gorgeous.
He always does.
Izuku just purposely ignores it.
“Can I help you, nerd? Or are you going to stand there like a damn statue?”
Izuku gulps.
Suddenly his reasons to be there weren't all that important. The vivid memories of that night taking the front centre of his mind and a toll on his heart once again.
“I... I don't think I want to date anymore.”
Katsuki doesn't react, just stays there looking at him from over his glasses. Izuku wants to look away but he had always been drawn to those eyes.
“Ok.”
He lets out a breath slowly, fidgeting in his place. Is that all?
“Is that all? Why tell me?”
Exactly. Why tell him?
If all Izuku has done his whole life was ignore the pull towards him, ignore the want in his heart to a point he could no longer access it anymore.
If all Izuku has ever wished for was to be a hero by his side because he never thought he would have a shot at something more and then...
Then when he did his heart had been too scared and scarred to take the chance. He was afraid of failing them both and the people they needed to protect because he let himself be foolish.
Katsuki didn't deserve that.
But he also deserves the truth.
“Because they weren't you and no one will ever be.”
Then, a beat.
“I'm sorry Kacchan.”
He turns to leave back to his room, resigned that their dance around each other will never end.
One too hurt to try and the other too scared of it. Izuku doesn't know how to love, how to allow himself to be loved. He knows he has loved Katsuki his whole life but objectively he can't feel it through all the fears and insecurities inside him.
He has barely reached his room when Katsuki’s door is thrown out of its hinges.
Too stunned to be scared, he can only stare as Katsuki comes out of it. His whole body screams at him to run but there was just something in those ruby eyes that makes him stay.
Because the last time he saw that expression, he broke two hearts in one go.
“Are you fucking with me now Izuku?”
The sound of his given name runs shivers down his spine. He shakes his head unable to look away once again.
Katsuki had given him two looks on that fated night. One he recognized earlier of pure resignation and hurt.
/they weren't you/ sounded a lot like /let's forget this ever happened/
The other, the one he used to say those words Izuku would never forget, he was only seeing again now. This look of complete devotion and hope, this look that makes Izuku's knees go weak and want to give in so badly.
“Don't do this to me Izuku.”
“I'm... I'm not trying to do anything Kacchan. I'm just so tired of whatever this is we have now. I'm tired of looking for something that is not out there and hurting you in the process.”
He sighs.
“I'm tired of hurting me knowing no one will ever compare to you and also that I cannot love you the way you deserve so basically, there's no one for me out there.”
Katsuki gives a few tentative steps forward.
“I just want us to be ok again, I want to enjoy being home with you and I want you to be happy... With me if possible but not in a way I cannot make you happy.”
Izuku feels more than sees hands reaching for his waist.
“I don't even know anymore, I'm not making any sense and… what are you doing Kacchan?”
Izuku is cornered against his room door, Katsuki's hands on his waist and a soft, uncharacteristic, scaringly sweet look in red eyes just above his own.
“Kacchan?”
“Can I kiss you?”
He splutters to find an answer.
“What? Kacchan! Haven't you heard me at all?”
Katsuki gets even closer and as much as Izuku wants to put space between them, he can't. That tiny egotistical part of him that always wanted Katsuki’s attention solely on him keeps him grounded in place, hands on the blond's chest providing little escape and just another source of heat.
“I've heard it all nerd, and I can hear is yada-yada you want me too.”
Izuku fights the tears in his eyes and tries so hard to put on a brave front.
The small smile on his best friend's face isn't helping. Katsuki looks so happy, so relieved it breaks Izuku’s heart to see.
He wants to keep that moment with him forever and at the same time cry and hide and burn that image down.
“No, you ridiculously beautiful idiot. That's not what I said! You're making it so difficult for me to keep fighting this.”
“Why are you fighting Deku? What's so wrong with me you can't give this a chance? Why do you prefer to go out with useless extras but not with me?”
Izuku sobs, his head hitting the door behind him only for Katsuki to cradle it in his hands.
“You told me you never gave relationships a thought, clearly you do now and I know, Deku, you feel something for me so why not?”
The answer is clear in his heart.
“Because I cannot lose you Kacchan. I cannot accept all you have for me as I am now. This scares me and overwhelms me and...”
He stops talking in favour of a hiccup. Katsuki brings him closer, joining their foreheads together.
“And it terrifies you the idea someone can use me against you. That one day I might not come home from a battle. Or that I will wake up and see the middle school you and not want this anymore.”
Izuku nods while sobbing and he knows he looks disgusting, even then Katsuki does not look away.
He clears his cheeks of tears only for them to not stop running.
“You think I don't feel the same? Do you think I don't count the minutes when you're on patrol on your own and get late to the agency? Or that I don't put something extra on your bento when I know you need a boost after lunch? Or that I don't shake in my seat every time you go out there on another date thinking you will find someone better? That is not as loud or brash or aggressive, someone that has never hurt you?”
Izuku can barely form coherent words anymore, like all the work he put into sealing all of his fears and feelings in a carefully locked box has been washed away and blown up by Katsuki’s words.
It is true, all of it and some more and he can't even formulate a way out.
He doesn't want to admit it, it is humiliating and still, here is Katsuki once again putting his heart on the line as Izuku has never been able to.
“K-Kacchan.”
“If that's all you can say right now, say Kacchan twice for yes. Can I kiss you?”
Izuku can't help the wet laugh that leaves his lips. He wants to smack him in the face and kiss him silly. Probably regret it all in the morning and cry rivers during a therapy session a week later.
“So? I promise you won't regret it! We can talk it all out, later nerd, don't leave me hanging here. We've been through so much already, you don't believe we can go past this too?”
Izuku lowers his head on Katsuki’s chest for a moment, feeling the man sigh.
“Promise me, that even if we don't work out...”
“We will”
“Shush!”
Izuku looks back at him.
Katsuki rolls his eyes but says no more. His rosy cheeks and shimmering eyes conveying so much more Izuku could ever ask for.
“Promise that if one day you wake up and hate my freckles, or think I snore too loudly, or that you just can't live with me as I am anymore...”
Izuku puts his hands on Katsuki's face this time.
“Promise you won't let go, that we will overcome whatever? And if we understand it better, we will still be friends?”
Katsuki smiles at him and allows the tears to fall from his eyes.
“I can't be apart from you either nerd. I can't imagine life without you. And I love your dumb freckles.”
So Izuku kisses him.