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This had come out of nowhere, the light playful mood between the two suddenly heavy and serious as Rin cleared his throat and stood from his seat. Haru stared wide-eyed as he bowed, his forehead almost resting against the table. The blue-eyed boy blinked owlishly, once, then twice, his body sat almost frozen in disbelief at what was happening. It was like something out of those soap operas Rin loved to watch.
“Haru… I-I like you!”
They had been sitting across from each other at the restaurant Rin had chosen as a way to get out of the house; he had heard there was a mackerel dish he thought Haru would like, which was all Haru needed to be convinced. At the time, Haru was touched that Rin would think of him when trying to choose a place to go. Did he think this was also on the menu for the night, as well? Not really. This was definitely not what Haru was expecting. He glanced around, embarrassed, as a few of the other patrons looked towards them, some whispering and some smiling at such a youthful declaration.
Rin had finally come home to stay a little over a year ago from Australia. He had decided he wanted to swim with Haru in the Olympics, on the same team, and joining the Japanese team had been his top priority, thankfully making the cut shortly after returning. Haru had felt lighter than he’d ever felt, his swim times jumping leaps and bounds at a pace his coaches had never seen before. He and Rin had been hanging out more as well, and within the recent months, had decided to move in together. Rin had brought it up, living together. He said it was to cut costs and allow both of them to afford a much nicer apartment closer to their training facility. It also helped that being around Rin gave Haru a sense of peace that even the water wasn’t able to, so he readily agreed. This was the happiest he’d felt in a long time.
However… this was way out of his comfort zone.
Haru’ palms began to sweat and his heartbeat raced as he stared at the top of Rin’s head that was hovering above the table. When the silence became too heavy to bear, Rin slowly lifted his head and sat in his chair, back straight, his piercing gaze bore into Haru and made him even more self-conscious. Haru wondered just how long he had been planning this.
He fiddled with the napkin on his lap trying to form words, “- ah, um…”
Haru’s discomfort was palpable. The intensity that Rin gave his confession was overwhelming. He could feel his face heating up as his eyes fell from Rin’s to his glass of water. He reached for it and the ice clinked together as he took a sip.
What was he supposed to say?!
He would say he was almost blindsided, truly out of his element. Emotions were not his strong point. How should he know if he felt the same? He had no clue! And if he said no, and rejected him, would Rin leave? How awkward would it be at home? Haru had never thought about romance or crushes or anything like that. All he needed was the water and swimming with Rin. He knew he felt different with Rin than his other friends, but did that mean he liked him… like that?
After a moment of awkward silence, Rin cleared his throat again, clearly disappointed, and continued, hands playing with the fork on the table, “I’m, you know, I’m not expecting you to feel the same or anything, but… well, I’m not saying I didn’t hope cause lately it just seemed… but I just felt- I don’t know, if I didn’t say it now I never would and I didn’t want to leave anything in regret…”
That jolted Haru out of his confused state, the hands in his lap flying to grip Rin’s, surprising both of them at the sudden response.
Rin glanced down at Haru’s hand gripping tightly to his before once again looking at Haru, “Um…”
“You're leaving?” Haru felt tight in his gut. Rin was leaving … again? He thought things were going well. What about the Japanese team? He’d barely been there a year, he couldn’t leave now! Was he regretting moving back? Did he not like living with him?
There was so much going on all at once. Haru could feel a panic attack coming on, his breath getting shorter and his chest tightening.
Rin vigorously shook his head. “No, no, nothing like that! Breathe, Haru! C’mon…” He held onto Haru’s hand as well, both of them taking deep breaths until the anxious feeling passed. Rin looked shyly at Haru before averting his eyes back to the fork on the table.
“Sorry if that came out wrong,” he sighed heavily. “This has been weighing on me. Honestly, I had the longest debate whether it would be worth mentioning, but, I just mean, you never know what’s going to happen and plans change so suddenly.” He looked around, trying to find his words, “I’ve kinda felt this way for quite some time. I didn’t want to leave this stewing in my mind forever. I felt like I would regret it if I did. I know for you it might feel like it’s out of the blue, but it’s been on my mind for a while now.” He shrugged, a little grimace forming as he pulled one hand away to self consciously touch his neck and look to the side. “I’m sorry for being selfish. I was afraid this would make living together hard and I even looked at other places, just in case it came to that. I mean, if you want, I can try to find somewhere else, if it’s too much.”
Haru digested Rin’s words. A long time? How long was a long time? One thing he knew for sure was that he didn’t want Rin to move no matter what.
“No, it’s not that. I’m just surprised.” Haru felt his face burning. This was way out of his depth. “Please, I don’t want you to leave. But, I’m not sure… if I like you like that… I’m sorry.”
Rin looked at him, face neutral, and took his hands back from Haru before crossing his arms protectively.
“Don’t worry, I’m not planning on leaving or anything unless you want me to. It was just, you know, a back up plan.”
Haru slumped in his seat, the weight of all this new information made him feel tired and stressed. He honestly didn’t know how to feel at this point. He didn’t know if he liked Rin romantically, but he also knew he didn’t want him to leave again either.
“I honestly can’t say for sure. I’ve just never thought about it before…” Haru hunched his shoulders and looked away, feeling anxious again, “I’m really sorry.”
Rin sighed and looked away for a moment before turning back to Haru with a small smile, “It’s ok, no need to apologize. Like I said I wasn’t expecting anything. You don’t have to feel the same. Sorry for springing this on you, especially here, but whenever we were alone at home I’d lose my nerve about telling you.” He shrugged, “And I figured if it went well here, this could be like a date, but I see I’ve just made it the world's most awkward dinner.”
Haru gave a small smile. He was glad Rin didn’t seem upset or mad. He wished he could give him more, but his mind was a jumble of thoughts that he couldn’t seem to straighten out.
“Okay. I just hope we can still be friends?”
Rin’s smile waned ever so slightly, so minute Haru had missed it, then smiled wider and nodded.
“Of course! I'm just glad we can still be friends after this.”
Haru nodded, the food appearing suddenly to dispel the tension and the topic was over. He didn’t seem to notice the slightly dejected air around Rin or him texting under the table, too focused on his meal.
It really was the best mackerel he’d eaten in a while.
————————
Just like that, months went by, and the conversation was forgotten, at least by Haru. It seemed nothing changed between him and Rin. They still were fiercely competitive, still hung out and laughed together, and nothing of the topic surfaced again. Sure, Rin was way less touchy now, and Haru almost missed him slinging his arm around his shoulders, but it’s to be expected when the person you like, for lack of a better word, rejects you.
Haru tried to give the situation more thought, but the more he tried to figure it out, the more confused he became, until he decided that it was something he’d think about some other time. Then some other time became another time, then another, continuing on until it faded into a distant memory.
Tonight was Friday, finally the weekend. He had gotten out of training a little early, thankfully, as his stomach grumbled in hunger. Usually Friday consisted of him and Rin getting takeout, allowing themselves a small cheat meal and watching some documentary to relax and unwind from a grueling week of training. That’s why he was surprised when he saw Rin dressed up ready to leave when he returned home.
Rin was dressed up and he… looked good. Almost effortlessly handsome. His hair was tousled in a stylish way, looking windswept, yet kept its soft texture. He had on a black muscle shirt that clung to his well-earned abs and he wore black ripped skinny jeans that clung to his legs, accentuating them and their strength. A studded belt held his jeans up and he wore a maroon bomber jacket, a dragon stitched on the back in intricate design. Haru could smell the cologne he wore.
“Oh… where are you going?”
Rin looked up from texting something on his phone, surprised for a second to see Haru, then a little sheepish, before rubbing the back of his neck and looking away, “Ah, Haru you’re home kind of early! Sorry, I guess I forgot to mention. I’m… going on a date tonight.”
A date?
Haru blinked, face neutral. Oh. A date. Haru felt a heat in his stomach, uncomfortable and gnawing, but ignored it.
“Ah, with who?”
Rin shrugged and pulled his phone out, “Just some guy I met on a dating site. Here’s what he looks like, just in case I disappear.”
Rin chuckled lightly. Haru didn’t laugh.
“With a guy? I didn’t realize you were gay.”
Rin looked at him strangely, “Why wouldn’t you think I was gay? I …confessed to you, didn’t I?”
It made sense, it did, but for some reason Haru was having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea. When Rin confessed, he didn’t think about Rin possibly being attracted to other guys as well. It just didn’t cross his mind.
Haru shrugged and looked at the picture of the man Rin was going on a date with. He was boyishly handsome, with messy brown hair, light eyes, and freckles across his nose. The man was smiling in the photo and Haru could see the dimples on his cheeks. He was posed hugging a dog, who looked excited to be there. He wasn’t as muscular as him or Rin, but his arms seemed toned in the short sleeved shirt he wore. He didn’t look fully Japanese and he wondered if the other man spoke English, like Rin. For some reason, that made his stomach turn.
“… He’s good looking.”
Rin looked at the picture and smiled a little, before putting his phone away, “He’s nice, too. We actually have a lot in common. He’s from England and he moved to Japan a couple years ago after studying abroad here. His dad is British, but his mom is Japanese, so he already spoke the language a bit before coming. His name is Spencer.”
Haru looked at Rin again, that heat in his stomach made him feel sick. What was wrong with him?
“You seem to know a lot about him already. How old is he? Is he out of university?”
“He’s a couple years older than us, not much. He’s like twenty four. He’s a marine biologist, but he works at the aquarium. That’s actually where I’m meeting him.”
“Oh. Ok.”
Rin looked at him strangely again, before heading to the door and putting a pair of black boots on. “Are you ok? You just seem, you know, kind of off. You tired or something?”
Haru shrugged and nodded. He must be tired.
“Well, get some rest, okay? It was definitely a rough week. Don’t wait up, I’m not sure how long I’ll be out. I’ll call you if I need an escape, though. Try not to have too much fun without me!”
Rin winked and laughed, but for some reason, that made Haru feel worse, an icy feeling in his limbs that made it hard to move. He just nodded again and waited until Rin left, before moving to the couch and turning on his favorite documentary. He didn’t feel hungry anymore.
—————————
Haru woke up bleary eyed, the tv on but nothing playing. His neck felt stiff as he picked himself off the couch and stretched his arms, back popping from his uncomfortable position. What time was it?
He fumbled around until he found his phone and glanced at the time, 03:47am glaring back at him. No messages from Rin either, so his date must have gone well. He must be back by now, right? He looked to the entry, but didn’t see Rin’s boots. Huh. Maybe he was so tired he walked in with them, out of character for him, but nothing was impossible. His stomach growled, but he ignored it as he got off the couch and wandered to Rin’s room.
Opening the door, it was clear Rin was not home. Haru’s chest felt tight and his stomach felt hot again. He worried the hem of his shirt, debating. Should he call Rin? He knew it was early, but what if he was in trouble? He did say not to wait up though… but the whole night? Haru stood staring into the empty room before he decided to text Rin asking if he was ok, sending the message without looking at his phone before he went to his own bedroom.
He tossed and turned all night, not able to relax with Rin missing. He wished Rin would have sent him an address or something in case something happened. Where was he? The image of him with that man, his date, made his heart clench uncomfortably. He knew this feeling, he just didn’t want to acknowledge it.
Jealousy.
Haru was jealous of this man. He knew he didn’t deserve to be jealous, but he was. Rin had confessed to him, but he rejected him. Well, not outright, but no answer was as final as a rejection . He had no right to feel this way, but the thoughts of what Rin and this man might be up to kept him from sleeping all night.
——————————
Haru could feel the bags under his eyes as he met Makoto for lunch. They met up occasionally on the weekend whenever they could, university eating up a lot of free time they had. Makoto looked at him worried after coming back from ordering.
“Haru, I don’t mean this disrespectfully, but you look like you haven’t slept. Are you ok?”
Truthfully, no, he wasn’t ok. He was worried and anxious and so many things he didn’t want to name. Still, he nodded and yawned, “Yeah, just couldn’t get to sleep last night.”
Makoto nodded sympathetically, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Haru shrugged and looked away, not saying anything for a moment before his mouth betrayed him, “Did you know that Rin was going on a date last night?”
Makoto looked at him curiously before nodding, “Yeah, I think he mentioned it a couple days ago. Why? Did he not say anything to you?”
Haru looked troubled for a moment and shook his head, “No.”
He didn’t know why this was bothering him so much. Rin didn’t have to tell him about anything he did with anyone, but the fact he told Makoto and not him made him feel unsettled.
Makoto made a humming noise and sighed, propping his hand under his chin, “I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it. He probably thought you wouldn’t care anyways.” He took a sip of his drink for a moment before continuing, “Perhaps he was, you know, embarrassed.”
Haru looked at Makoto. Why would Rin be embarrassed? Makoto, of course, knew about Rin’s confession as Haru had confided in him about what he should do. Makoto just said he wasn’t able to tell him how he felt, only he could and to search his feelings about how he felt about Rin, but he ended up more confused than before.
“I don’t understand. Why would he be embarrassed about it?”
Makoto shrugged, “Rin’s a funny guy, you know he’s sensitive about a lot of things.” He looked away almost uncomfortably, and Haru could sense he was hiding something. Haru narrowed his eyes.
“Makoto, what do you know?”
Makoto looked even more abashed, almost stressed, and was saved when his number was called. He got up hastily to get his food while Haru sat and ruminated on the situation. Was Makoto keeping secrets… from him? For Rin? He waited until his friend returned before pouncing.
“Makoto…”
Makoto shook his head and stuffed his mouth full of fries. Haru looked on unamused as Makoto continued to eat and ignored him . Haru scoffed and waited until he was on his last bite. He watched as Makoto chewed slowly, seemingly savoring every flavor before he swallowed. Haru was tapping his finger on the table, waiting for the theatrics to be over. He could feel annoyance swell in his chest.
Makoto looked at him as he sipped his drink, before looking defeated and lowering his cup, “I can’t really divulge it. It’s private and I promised Sousuke…”
Haru’s annoyance grew and he scowled, an expression foreign on his face, before he folded his arms in disbelief, “Wait, Sousuke knows also? Am I the only one left out?”
Makoto looked taken aback by Haru’s tone and shook his head waving his hands in front of him, “No, no, it’s really just us. Honestly, it was just Sou at first, but he thought I might have some good advice for Rin.” He looked highly troubled before continuing, “I actually… suggested he try online dating.”
Haru was shocked for a moment, eyes widening before his face fell to his normal stoic expression, “But… why?”
Makoto looked at him incredulously, “Haru, I mean, he needs to go out and meet new people. What do you want him to do?”
Haru felt confused, “What do I want him to do?”
Makoto stared at Haru for a moment to see if he would continue with his thought, before continuing himself, “Yes, because, you don’t seem interested in him romantically, and of course, that’s not your fault, you can’t force yourself to like someone, but he was having a hard time moving on. So, I told him maybe trying to find new people would help.”
Haru stared at Makoto silently, causing him to start to sweat under the intensity. Haru began his tapping again.
“He never came home last night, after his date.”
Makoto furrowed his eyebrows. “Oh. Well, have you heard from him yet? That’s a little worrisome.”
Just as Haru was about to answer Makoto’s phone went off, Sousuke’s name appeared on the screen.
“Ah, one second, Haru.”
He got up and answered his phone, his voice lilting up as he greeted his boyfriend. This left Haru to think more about their conversation. What did he want Rin to do? Obviously, he wanted Rin to be happy, but he also wanted him and Rin’s relationship not to change. If Rin got a … boyfriend…(even the word caused a slight clenching in his chest) would he spend less time with Haru? The thought of seeing less of Rin, after years and years of never being able to see him, caused a pain so deep inside him it almost felt like he couldn’t breathe.
Makoto took his seat and looked at Haru, a worried expression coming over him. “Haru, are you ok? You don’t look well.”
“I-I don’t know. It hurts, Makoto. I don’t know what to do.”
Makoto moved his chair over next to Haru and placed his hand on his shoulder in sympathy.
“Sousuke said Rin is over at his place and that he ended up over there last night, cause it was closer than your guy's apartment. He said his phone died last night and figured he could charge his phone at Sou’s and ended up falling asleep. He’s alright.”
He didn’t know why, but knowing Rin did not stay over that man’s house caused a sense of relief to wash over him so overwhelming he thought he would cry. His whole body sagged as if all the energy left him, releasing tension he didn’t even know he was holding on to. He must have looked on the verge of tears as Makoto hugged him and let Haru rest his head on his shoulder.
“Haru, have you given anymore thought about how you feel about Rin?”
Haru sniffled slightly, but no tears fell. Was it this painful to love someone? He was starting to think maybe he really was in love with Rin.
“Makoto, how do you know you love someone?”
Makoto pulled away, his face and ears flushed pink, but looked at Haru determined to give his friend some help, however he could.
“I can’t say how everyone feels, but, for me, I always want to be around that person. I want to spend my free time with them and ask about their day. I want to hold them close and for them to hold me. When they’re sad I want to comfort them and when they’re happy I want to share in that joy. I want their attention, to be around them all the time, but, ultimately, I know from the feeling of warmth in my heart so strong it’s almost suffocating. That’s how I know how much I love them, and that’s how I feel about Sousuke. Love can feel like a lot of things, so you have to look within yourself and think if you really love him or not.”
Haru was quiet for a moment, looking at Makoto, but not perceiving him as he went through his time with Rin, his feelings. Every moment crossed his mind, how he felt when they were together and when they were apart. He took a deep shuddering sigh and placed his head back on Makoto’s shoulder.
“I think… I might be in love with Rin.”
Makoto just smiled and patted his back.
——————————
Haru returned to the apartment after his incredibly illuminating lunch break with Makoto feeling determined. He took his key to open the door, but realized the door was already unlocked. Rin always forgot to lock the door behind him. His heart rate accelerated as he heard noise in the apartment. He took a deep breath and steeled himself before opening the door.
Rin was pouring himself a cup of tea in the kitchen before he rounded into the living room and was startled by Haru standing in the doorway, almost spilling hot tea all over himself.
“JESUS. Haru, make some noise next time. I didn’t even realize you were home. Welcome back.”
Haru said nothing at first, just took off his shoes and walked into the apartment before uttering, “I’m home.”
Rin looked at Haru awkwardly before setting his cup on the coffee table in the living room and taking a seat on the couch. “Haru, I’m so sorry. I got your message when I woke up, but my phone was dead and I ended up falling asleep at Sousuke’s place,” he rubbed the back of his neck, the usual sign he felt awkward. “I forgot to text you back after so I had Sousuke call Makoto to let you know, since I know it’s your guys, like, lunch date day, or whatever. Next time for sure I’ll keep in touch and have my phone charged.”
The idea of Rin having a “next time” with some guy made Haru upset, that searing jealous heat once again boiling in his stomach.
He ignored it and took a seat next to Rin, “How was your date?”
Rin hummed and took a sip of his tea, “It was good, Spencer was super nice and we definitely had a lot in common, but…”
Haru perked up, “But…?”
Rin sighed and put the cup back on the table before flopping back onto the couch. “I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling it. We had a great time, but my heart couldn’t get into it. It might just be… too early for me right now. Maybe down the line. He understood, he said he was in a similar situation.” He sighed again and looked at the ceiling but didn’t say anything else.
Haru focused on the tick of the clock and felt the sweat in his palms. How had he not noticed the curve of Rin’s neck when he looked up or the fullness of his mouth as he pouted slightly. Rin turned to look at Haru, his eyes radiant as he blinked in confusion.
“Haru, are you ok?”
Haru gulped and reached his hand to cover Rin’s.
“I think I love you.”
It was still for a moment before Rin jerked his hand back and flushed down to his chest, the v neck he wore exposing the change in color.
“Haaaah, what?! Haru, wait, huh?”
Haru scooted closer as Rin scooted back until they were touching next to each other on the arm of the couch, Haru trapping Rin in place. He grabbed both Rin’s hands this time, making sure to keep a tight grip so that he didn’t run away.
“I love you, Rin.”
Rins face held shock, then confusion, until finally resting on disbelief and anger. “Are you serious? Don’t fuck with me, Nanase, this isn’t funny at all. What a sick joke.”
He attempted to make Haru let go, pulling his arms forcing him closer.
“I’m not joking, Rin. I swear.”
Rin scoffed and moved to get off the couch, but Haru held firm, not letting him up, nearly sitting on top of him to keep him in place. Rin tried to wrestle him off, but his struggle was in vain, despite being bulkier than him. Haru kept steadfast, holding onto Rin’s arms before bringing him close, placing Rin’s head against his chest, effectively halting his thrashing.
Rin just sighed deeply, defeated, before slumping against him, mumbling into his shirt, “I don’t understand. I just… I don’t understand you sometimes, Haru.”
Haru held Rin close to him, one arm around his shoulders, the other around his back. He could feel the heat of Rin’s breath on his chest and the proximity made his stomach warm, the butterfly feeling going into overdrive.
“I don’t understand it either. I was confused, but… the thought of you with someone else… it felt like I wanted to explode. I wanted to throw things and yell until you were only looking at me again.” Haru rested his head atop Rin's. “You know I’m not good with emotions.”
He felt Rin tremble slightly before he felt a wetness spread across his chest and Rin was clinging back to him, “God, Haru, you’re so stupid. I can’t believe I had to go on a date with someone for you to realize you like me back.”
Haru nuzzled into Rin’s hair and let him weep against his chest, “I’m sorry.”
Rin scrubbed his face against Haru, using his shirt as a towel before he lifted his face up to Haru. His eyes were glossed over, tears still stuck to his eyelashes. His nose was red as were his eyes, and he hiccuped with every breath, chest jumping with every swallow. Haru thought he looked beautiful.
“Can I kiss you?”
Rin let out an incredulous laugh, moving to wipe his face, before resting his hand against Haru’s face, before sliding it towards the back of his neck to bring him in.
“God, Haru, you owe me so much for all the mental anguish .”
Haru couldn’t help but feel guilty, despite Rin’s teasing tone. He nodded and let himself be pulled towards him until their lips met in a kiss. It tasted salty, but Rin’s lips were the softest he’s ever felt. Haru felt his heart flutter in his chest and thought to himself, this could be what love feels like to me. They broke apart with a sigh and Haru rested his forehead against Rin’s. He kept his eyes closed, scared opening them would wake him up from this dream.
“I’ll make it up to you somehow.”
Rin gave him a wobbly smirk and laughed, “I’m sure I can think of something that’ll make me feel better.”
He brought Haru in for a deeper kiss and Haru realized that he definitely was in love with Rin.