Work Text:
- Drinking the eel is neither safe nor sane, please stop.
- Offering to pull the eel out of the bottle to prove its existence to Matt is not appreciated.
- Not allowed to attempt to use ‘guilty party say ‘what’’ in court.
- Not allowed to blame guide dogs for anything.
- Foggy must occasionally get a haircut even if it ‘tampers with his powers’.
- No one may sing opera in the office any longer.
- There is to be no loud singing in the office unless each person present has their phones out to record the humiliation.
- Matt is not allowed to make blind justice jokes in public anymore.
- Matt is not allowed to make blind puns in public anymore.
- Neither Foggy nor Karen may change any voice settings on Matt’s things, he will work out who did that.
- You cannot fire a client, that is not possible, please stop trying.
- Matt is not allowed to criticise anyone’s attempt to decorate his office.
- Matt is not allowed to criticise anyone’s attempt to decorate his home.
- Matt may not be a contrary bastard when people are trying to help him.
- May not ask for the day off for religious reasons if one is not religious.
- Foggy is not allowed to quote Dr Seuss in court.
- Matt is not allowed to list exactly what someone is eating.
- Daredevil cosplay competitions are not appropriate for the office.
- Cosplay in general is not appropriate for the office.
- When gossiping refrain from describing any really good sex in explicit detail.
- When gossiping refrain from describing ANY sex in explicit detail unless asked.
- Not allowed to buy Matt devil horns.
- Also not allowed to buy Foggy angel wings.
- Karen is allowed angel wings but only if she doesn’t make coffee.
- Not allowed to accuse Karen of attempting to poison the coffee.
- Guide dogs are not supposed to be able to do parkour, do not encourage this.
- Stop throwing canes away Matt.
- Captain America doesn’t work in this law firm, he cannot excuse you from work.
- To be a prestigious law firm ties are required, as are shirts.
- If sleeping in the office at least hide the evidence in the morning.
- Hiding Matt’s cane around the office is rude and no longer allowed.
- Devil themed jokes, puns, or innuendos are outlawed for all.
- Foggy and Karen are not the king and queen of the eel.
- Must not work the phrase ‘as if any of you idiots actually read this’ into any small print.
- ‘Aggressively pursuing new clients’ should not involve actual violence.
- Must not imply anyone in the office is married to anyone else, no matter how many old married couple fights they have.
- If a prank makes you giggle for more than 15 minutes then assume it is not allowed.
- Calling Matt while he is at church is not allowed.
- The law firm is not a cat rescue shelter.
- Subtly mocking the prosecution in court is not the actions of a good lawyer
- It is not necessary to dance when ‘Uptown Funk’ plays on the radio
- Karen is allowed to dance to ‘Uptown Funk’ but is not allowed to be angry at any reasonable reaction this prompts.
- Attempting to teach a pigeon to send messages is a bad idea.
- No matter how drunk attempting to teach Matt to play softball is not a good idea.
- Suggesting the verdict be decided through an singing contest between defence and prosecution is not proper legal procedure.
- Neither is a boxing match.
- ‘Forgetting’ to screen calls from Foggy’s family regarding The Turkey Incident is not nice.
- Karen is not allowed to punch anyone in the stomach for suggesting she take the day off due to ‘that time of the month’, seriously, it was offered compassionately, Matt could sense the pain.
- We’re a three person law firm, we do not need security ranks.
- Not allowed to torture Foggy with Furby’s.
- Not allowed to bring Nerf guns to work.
- Matt is not allowed to wear pencil skirts, it’s distracting, even if someone pukes on his pants.
- We are not soldiers, it is impossible to ‘defect’ to the other side.
- The client’s personality does not influence their innocence or lack thereof.
- Adopting posh British voices in court is not appropriate.
- Not allowed to swap Karen’s coffee with decaf.
- Do not set Matt up on a date with a deaf woman without warning either of them.
- Matt must not sleep with pretty red heads who could kill him.
- Thumb wars are not an appropriate way to decide who has to read the documents.
- The song ‘100 bottles of beer on the wall’ is never to be sung again.
- Ghosts do not need legal representation.
- Arguing that that an act of Thor is an act of god and therefore the company must replace Matt’s phone without explaining how Matt’s phone was fried by Thor is not nice.
- All meetings with superheroes must be shared in excruciating detail.
- Do not touch Steve Rogers chest or ass or attempt to do so.
- Do not respond to everything Steve Rogers says with ‘aye aye Captain’.
- Not allowed to form a superheroes union.
- Suggesting that ‘Daredevil’s super villain name would be ‘Angel Cheeks’ is not appropriate.
- Complaining to the man with broken ribs about a paper cut is not allowed.
- Aliens don’t need legal representation, not if they’re destroying things.
- No tattoos while drunk.
- Legal briefings do not require multiple pairs of underwear.
- Legal briefings do require pants to be worn, briefs do not count.
- It is not nice to torment someone on a diet by eating gourmet desserts in front of them and moaning at it’s deliciousness.
- Spanish or Punjabi are not appropriate languages to file reports in.
- Leaving ‘braille porn’ on Matt’s desk or hiding it in his briefcase is mean, hilarious, but mean.
- Asking security personnel to close their eyes when you empty your pockets doesn’t work.
- Pointing out that it’s perfectly possible to grievously injure someone with a pen is also not a good idea
- Just don’t say more than necessary to security guards.
- Attempting to blame Foggy for anything he didn’t do will not work.
- That doesn’t mean Foggy can claim he didn’t do things he did do, Matt is a lie detector idiot.
- Mondayitis is not a real disease nor an excuse to take a day off.
- Do not attempt to communicate solely through the lyrics of pop songs.
- Not allowed to use the Braille label maker to label literally everything in the office.
- Foggy is not allowed unsupervised control over any label maker.
- Do not ask Matt to be your wing-man, it’s not his fault but it doesn’t work.
- May not attempt to trade Matt for magic beans.
- May not tell a police officer that you are there to bribe a police officer.
- Wait until the case is concluded before flirting with clients.
- Same goes for the family of clients.
- Honestly, Karen is subject to the above two rules as well as Foggy and Matt.
- When investigating the empty office space upstairs attempting to pole dance is not appropriate.
- Attempting to use the force to steal coffee from anyone in the building does not work, Foggy is not a Jedi.
- No sex in the office, even if no one else is there, Matt will know.
- Inflatable palm trees do not make the office feel more ‘homey’.
- Playing ‘The Daredevil Song’ on repeat is cruel and unusual punishment.
- Attempting to make Matt believe that is his parking ticket will never work.
- Vodka in a Pump water bottle does not make it water.
- Do not replace all band-aids in the first aid kit with Spongebob band-aids.
- Verbal commentary on Daredevil footage is not required.
- Must not fall ill on important court date and attempt to send Karen instead.
- Attempting to bribe a judge is illegal, even if it has nothing to do with a current case.
- Referencing court drama TV shows in preparation for court in front of client is not wise.
- ‘Return to Karen Page’ labels on Foggy and Matt is not allowed.
- Not allowed to request a recess because of a sudden craving for ice creams, even if it is the client asking.
- Capes are not appropriate office attire unless you have one for everyone.
- Capes are not appropriate office attire even if you make one for everyone.
- Not allowed to create increasingly silly names for co-workers.
- Not allowed to climb through windows.
- Matt is not allowed to swap Foggy’s pens for non-standard colours.
- ‘You can’t handle the truth’ is not an appropriate phrase to utter in court.
- Not allowed to have sugar eating competitions.
- Mannequin look-a-likes do not replace actual presence in the office.
- Bar fights are strictly forbidden, even if defending a friend’s honour.
- No vague threats of ‘justice will find you some day’ in front of witnesses.
- Morning coffee may not be made ‘Irish’.
- Calling journalists out on ablest language is only allowed if they belong to Fox News or it was a really bad slur.
- Insulting journalists from Fox News must be done in a way that they cannot recognise as an insult.
- Not allowed to bring walkie-talkies to work and rely on them for communication.
- Yelling through the walls is also not appropriate.
- Not allowed to claim situs inversus when you accidentally raise the wrong hand when swearing.
- Do not instigate rubber band wars with Matt, he will win.
- Not to fold origami during any meeting or court appointment.
- Certain suits do not give ‘+5 persuasion’ even if you embroider that onto the tags.
- Not allowed to influence the jury by bringing enough chocolate chip cookies to share.
- Do not invite Matt to the Nelson residence for 4th of July, did you learn nothing in college?
- Payment in swords might be cool but it is not allowed.
- Not allowed to bring whoopee cushions to work.
- Water guns are also not allowed at work no matter how hot the summer is.
- Not permitted to proclaim oneself the God of Lawyering even if it was a great closing argument.
- May not subtly prank journalists.
- May not subtly insult judges in court.
- Pretending to be gay to get the prosecution in trouble for discriminatory language is funny but not allowed.
- Praising street animals for ‘getting laid’ is not appropriate.
- Do not attempt to use breadsticks as swords.
- If it sounds like something a college frat boy would do then assume it is not to be done.
- Claiming to be blinded by Matt’s radiant beauty and letting him lead you will not end well, especially if you take his cane and manage to trip him with it.
- Foggy is not allowed to steal bagels from other law firms.
- Coffee cake does not excuse breaking into homes.
- Filling the office fridge with avocados is not allowed, we can’t eat that many avocados.
- Matt is blind enough that driving is not safe.
- Not allowed to refer to anything that requires stitches as ‘just a small cut’.
- Not allowed to make Batman/orphan jokes.
- Not allowed to pin a ‘blind as a bat’ sign on Matt’s back.
- Not allowed to pin a ‘pinch my ass’ sign on Foggy’s back.
- Not allowed to pin a ‘Goddess of all’ sign on Karen’s back even if it’s a nice sentiment.
- Not allowed to try and sell anyone to Josie when you can’t afford another round.
- Karen is no longer allowed to make coffee after The Incident.
- The Avengers, while offering good money, are not good client choices.
- ‘A disagreement’ does not involve guns, don’t try to convince Foggy otherwise.
- No extreme parkour in front of Foggy.
- No making jokes while bleeding out in Karen’s apartment.
- ‘It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission’ no longer applies to Foggy.
- Suggesting police ‘go find god’ is less effective when in Daredevil costume.
- Never tell a police officer they are corrupt or mention it within their hearing range.
- No making puns about any superhero.
- No bets are to be placed on who’s ass is better (Even if Matt wins).
- Foggy and Karen are not allowed to interact with superheroes anymore.
- No mentioning Stick or opinions on what to call his treatment of Matt.
- Foggy is not allowed to frame a picture of Matt’s ass in the Daredevil suit and hang it in his office.
- Matt is no longer allowed to be a blanket thief.
- Burning important documents in a current case to keep warm is not allowed.
- Whatever Foggy is thinking of doing with the jello is not allowed.
- ‘Dumpster bros’ is not something to be proud of.
- Not allowed to throw surprise parties.
- Never take advice from Tony Stark.
- Clint Barton is just as bad, in fact, don’t take advice from the Avengers in general.
- Do not attempt to stage ‘government abductions’ with Director Coulson.
- Not allowed to drink the eel alone.
- Making paper aeroplanes out of legal documents is no longer allowed.
- Do not accept seemingly random appliances from Tony Stark, they are alive.
- Not allowed to bring weapons to work.
- Matt isn’t allowed to use super glue ever again.
- Karen is not allowed to laugh in the face of anyone attempting to abduct her.
- ‘Octopus hugs’ are too far in the ‘hug Matt daily’ project.
- The human body needs sleep, ‘all nighters’ are not to reach 40 hours without sleep.
- Do not let Thor pour drinks.
- Do not get in a drunken prank war with Steve Rogers.
- However and whoever made it look like the tap started providing blood, don’t do it again.
- Giving Matt a hospital rewards card would only work if he were to go to a hospital ever in his entire life, don’t bother trying.
- There is no need to prepare the office for a zombie apocalypse.
- There may be need to alien proof the office but not while there are cases to work on.
- Not allowed to have Daredevil fights in the office.
- Foggy is not allowed to get involved in Daredevil fights.
- Adopting young superheroes is only to be done after consulting Foggy.
- Do not attempt to confirm that the strange scent around Dr Banner is residual gamma radiation.
- May not attempt to show superiority over other lawyers through drinking competitions.
- If it is a quote and it makes you giggle presume that it is not an appropriate time to actually verbalise that quote.
- Nor is it appropriate to draw, write, mime, or otherwise communicate the quote.
- Do not suggest Matt join a fight club when his night job gets quiet.
- Do not get Matt a seeing eye dog, do you not remember last time?
- Foggy is not to tell Stark or Rogers that he lifted the hammer once.
- Matt is not allowed to ride to work on a deaf llama, where did you even find a llama in Manhattan?.
- Karen is not allowed to plot with the ‘Assorted Family of Superheroes Club’.
- When meeting the X-men it is not allowed to mentally project dirty thoughts.
- Foggy is not allowed to bite criminals, Christ, do you know where they’ve been?
- No level of adrenaline excuses kissing officers in an alley.
- It doesn’t matter how sick you are, forcing Matt to do your grocery shopping is going to end exactly how you expect sending a blind man to do grocery shopping to go.
- Saving the world is the Avengers job, not vigilantes.
- Vigilantes can help emergency services evacuate civilians but no intentional fighting.
- Matt is never allowed to fight anyone who does magic.
- No theological arguments with Daredevil, a Buddhist monk, an imam, and Thor.
- Karen is not allowed to throw her shoes at anyone.
- ‘Congratulations on going to Hospital’ cakes are not appropriate while recipient is in hospital, the nurses especially don’t appreciate the humour.
- Whatever Matt is going to do with the duct tape, flowers, and teapot can be forgotten right now.
- Any sentence starting with ‘funny you should ask...’ will guarantee a bad conversation.
- Do not attempt to hide things from Matt, he will find out, it’s like a band-aid, better to get it over with.
- Do not blame Matt for what he learns with his enhanced senses, it’s not like he can turn them off.
- There is to be no licking of shoes in the office.
- Matt is not allowed to keep bats as pets unless he wants to suffer every Batman joke ever.
- No matter what Tony said Matt is not allowed to threaten to sue him for the admittedly shameful lack of Braille.
- No pretending to be any kind of animal in the office, especially a gecko.
- Matt is not allowed to let doctors test his pupil’s reaction to light while checking head injuries, it’s mean to them.
- Whatever the green wool, cinnamon roll, safety cone, and one of Hawkeye’s arrows is for, Matt does not want to hear about it.