Work Text:
I think I love you because I can't stop thinking about you. It's too late, now you're gone, and I lost you.
I had already lost you so many times, countless times, maybe I hadn't understood before, understood that what I saw in you wasn't just a simple observation in which I just lost myself in the idea of your existence as if that were all. I actually didn't want to admit to myself that I never had you, that I lost you countless times before I had you.
I knew from the start that it was far enough away.
I see you in my dreams and I can't forget.
Last night I dreamed that I was dying, that I was condemned to solitude, to judgment, but you were carrying me, like a last chance, carrying me to the place where all my hopes of life would be buried, where I would be buried. But you brought me with affection, empathy, and understanding, you understood me, you understood my pain even after everything I did. And that brought the thought of the pain to me again.
A smile I'd like to erase, despair I'd like to let go. The despair of loss and possessing the knowledge, that you are satisfied, that you are fine with someone else. Even if I feel happy, that you are happy, there's still something deep in my soul that says it's a lie, that I'm wrong, that you're wrong.
I feel my chest warm, like an unconditional love about to bear the pain, I would bear the pain for you, I would carry this feeling forever, and I would lock it in a chest, a chest with a key in which I plan to lose at the bottom of the ocean, never to be able to find. I never want to find you again, I want to lose you, never see you again, never be able to fall in love with you all over again.
I always think I'm moving on, but I find myself again facing my feelings, facing the pain and envy, and the regret, of having let this happen.
I felt like I had a chance, when I saw you alone, without him, without Dazai, standing there. But at last, you were never alone, you were accompanied by love. Of your love, for him, not for mine, for you.
I hate looking at you because my whole interior collapses, everything seems to want to pull me to the ground so that I become part of the pain and unhappiness.
I know it's good, I know it's fine. I've seen how love can save countless hearts, I know it can make you happy just thinking about it, and I know it wasn't me you were. I'm aware of that, I'm aware that it's the end, and what was, will never come back, that this is the end of the line for me. It's over, it's over, I know.
I miss your touch in my mind, your touch that I imagined, I could feel it just in thought. But your touch on my mind has become so common that now it's a need for it to be real, I yearn, I despair I desire.
I cannot live without the idea of desire, however much it disappears, however expendable it becomes for a moment, then everything returns, like a vicious cycle in which I cannot leave. I feel it running down my face, I feel it hugging me, I feel everything, but only in thought, after all, that's what my mind is caught up in. I can't stand to hear his voice anymore, I can't stand it, I just can't stand it, I want to kill him, I wish to break free of this.
I can't stand every detail of yours that makes me think it was made for me, I feel desperate when my thoughts go back to those clichéd ideas, ideas that are disposable when placed in current days when there is no more old-fashioned romanticism, but despite everything, ideas like these linger in my mind.
It's almost like it's wrong that I'm not yours. An error of fate.
I beg you, get out of my life. Be just a memory that can be forgotten, don't make it all come alive again because my mind can go back to the starting point, making me go through everything again, countless times because I can't control myself.
I wanted to ask him to do something but be with him, with someone other than me, but I won't, I can't, I never would. Old-fashioned, idiotic and unreasonable, irrational, I'd brand myself an idiot, I know that. Love him then, love him away from me, I can't bear suffering anymore. I'm exhausted from waiting so long for what will never come, even though I've accepted my fate, I can't let go.
If it doesn't disappear, if it doesn't disappear, I will be forced to kill you.
So leave me before I make you leave.