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"R-Rika?!" Saori reared back in alarm, but she was unable to go very far. Rika had her in a death grip, and was crying into her shoulder. As if the surprise of the sudden hug from Rika wasn't enough, the tears made Saori's stomach jolt violently.
Is… she… is she… really… crying? Is she really crying?! Oh my gosh… What do I do?! What do I do?! WHAT DO I DO?! Trying to force her instincts to kick in, Saori wrapped an awkward arm around Rika's shoulder and tried to pat her back. "Ummm, uhhh… There, there?"
"SAORIIIII!" Rika sobbed again. Saori winced, both from Rika's piercing wail, and her tightened grip around Saori's neck. She reached up with her other arm, attempting to tap Rika's and push her off, but then Rika started rocking her back and forth, quite dramatically too.
Of course, Rika never does half measures for anything! Saori thought in despair as she was suddenly dragged left… then right… then left… then right… then— Is this a Merm4id dance routine? Despite herself, Saori smirked. Left… right… left…
"Oh, Saori, I just… I just… I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUUUCCHHH!"
"Ehh… Rika… Are you ok?" Saori felt like an idiot for asking such an obvious question, but she wasn't sure what else to do. Rika's overly affectionate and overly dramatic confession was nothing new to the purple-haired DJ, but the setting certainly was. As far as Saori could recall, they hadn't said or done anything that should've triggered whatever all of this was. "Are you…? Are you… drunk?"
"Hehehe, no, not this time, unfortunately," Rika laughed wetly. Saori heard her sniffle right next to her ear and she tried not to cringe.
"Then… uhh… what exactly is it?"
"Well, it's just what I said! I… love you, Saori Hidaka."
"Well, I know that." Saori waved Rika off impatiently, but then she cringed. "Wait, no, sorry, that sounded conceited. I mean, I know you love me, and I appreciate it, but… why all of this all of the sudden?"
Rika finally pulled away to look Saori in the eye. Saori instantly wished Rika would hug her again. Oh… Those eyes… Those teary eyes… I don't know how long I can look at them before I might…
Luckily, Saori was spared by Rika's voice. Even though it was shaky, and uncharacteristically quiet, even to the point of being timid, which also alarmed Saori, the talking alone was enough to distract both of them from their tears.
"I've just… been thinking… lately."
"Well, that's new," Saori deadpanned with a smirk.
Rika managed to give her a small smile in return. "I mean it, Saori, I was just thinking about my past."
Saori wanted to make another snide joke, but something stopped her. She only gave Rika an earnest look, a silent request that she continue her story.
ooo
By then, it was a fairly open secret (at least to those who knew Rika well) that she used to have strong feelings for Tsubaki, possibly even to the point of them being romantic.
"We'd been friends ever since we were little, and I don't know, I just think I kinda fell in love with her." Rika's smile was rueful and longing. "I wanted a relationship with her when we were in late middle school, but… I think I scared her off…" Rika's smile faded into a look of regret, guilt. Saori had never seen her look self-conscious before. What other secret tears hid behind her typically-fiery smile?
Rika rubbed her arm and looked away nervously, but she forged on, nonetheless. "I didn't used to understand it, but I think I get it now. I came off too strong, not just for Tsubaki, but in general. I know I'm not always the best at taking no for an answer, or recognizing when I've gone too far," she admitted, and Saori had to bite back yet another snide remark. "But I think, at least in that case, it was just because… that was something I really wanted. A relationship."
"Well… Isn't that fairly normal?" Saori couldn't say that she had ever really been interested in romance, far too shy and asocial, but it was hardly the crime of the century to come off a little too strong to a childhood sweetheart. Especially if you're Rika Seto… Saori smirked. But for once, it was as if their roles were reversed. While Saori was mentally making all sorts of witty jokes, Rika was dead serious and somber.
"I suppose, but… I think that was part of the problem…" Huh? Now Saori was really interested. "That is to say, the idea of romance, and having a soulmate, it's just so… normalized, maybe even to an unhealthy degree? Because what happens to the people in real life who don't find anyone?"
The sadness and longing returned to Rika's eyes. She had not solely chased after Tsubaki because she wanted a girlfriend, but the more and more she reflected on it, the closer and closer that came to being the truth. As much as she may have cared for Tsubaki as a person, her desire for a relationship was backed by motivations that weren't quite so selfless. She wanted a girlfriend. She wanted that experience. She wanted someone to show off. She wanted to be normal, at least in that way. There was nothing wrong with that innately, but…
"And so… I think I kinda forced it… Not just in coming off too strong, but in rushing into it. I mean, yeah, Tsubaki was my childhood bestie and all, but I still think…" That maybe I should've waited? Maybe I didn't really want the romance as much as I thought I did? Maybe it was just because it was what seemed cool at the time? She would never truly, fully know what drove her to do what she did back then, but she would never forget the consequences. Aside from driving a wedge between herself and Tsubaki, she drove one between herself and herself.
For the longest time, I didn't know who I was anymore, at least in that regard. It was like I lost all confidence in it. Rika kept her eyes open for any chance at romance, but it never felt the same after the falling out with Tsubaki. Then Rika met Saori and dove in headfirst. She would call it love at first sight, but Saori, like Tsubaki, would've begged to differ. At first, I thought she was my second chance.
For a while, Rika speculated on it, wondering what her relationship with Saori was supposed to look like, and what she hoped it would be. Already, dreams and preconceived notions littered her imagination. There even came a time when she had to question whether or not she actually knew Saori, or loved the real her. Funny enough, just like now, it was a realization she only came to because of Saori. Earlier in their friendship, Saori finally found the courage to tell Rika that she didn't always like being dragged all over the place, even if Rika did it with good intention.
"I mean, sometimes you're right. Sometimes I do enjoy the stuff you've dragged me out to, but… I don't know, maybe I'm crazy, but it feels like you have this… script in mind, that you're hoping I'm going to follow." Was Rika trying to get her to fit a certain storyline that she had in mind? It was not Saori's most articulate moment, but somehow, it resonated with Rika, even if it took a little time to sink in.
Is it true? Am I just following a path I think I'm supposed to? Is this something I even really want? That was not to say she did not want Saori, but she had to ask herself where her desires came from. Whose desires were they really? It forced Rika to think about her deeper motivations, and what she really wanted out of a relationship?
I guess… if I had to put a name to it… I'd want… Just… Someone I could be myself around! Someone I felt safe and comfortable with, someone I didn't have to dial down or scale back for! Rika was a performer, and she loved to play pretend, but that didn't mean she wanted to a wear a mask all the time. It got tiring after a while! She didn't want to go her whole life always trying to be someone slightly different just because the world may have liked that Rika more than the real one, flaws and oddities and all.
But Rika was just as guilty of creating this inner chaos as the traditions and expectations of the world around her. When she dreamed of a life with Tsubaki, and when she later dreamed of a life with Saori, they were all characters. No matter how realistic and accurate they were, it was still just a story Rika constructed in her head. But after the fantasies started to fade, as Rika got more involved with Merm4id, her relationship with Saori developed naturally.
One minute, we were just friendly acquaintances with a shared love of music. Then, we were going to be partners that collaborated. Then, we were friends in a band that we created together. Now…? Saori was Rika's best friend. And she really meant that. The term "best friend" was thrown around so casually, and viewed as a term inferior to one that indicated romantic partnership, but Rika really meant it when she called Saori her best friend. Her favorite person. Her most trusted. The one she felt most bonded with. The one she felt the freest to be her truest self around.
Contrary to what it may have looked like, Rika wasn't always as confident as she seemed. In some ways, Saori had rescued her just as much as she rescued Saori. So if there was one thing Rika was confident in, it was Saori. I didn't know I'd love you so much, but I do... My friend, family, lifelong partner, the one who comforts me like no other. I feel the most relaxed around you, and of all the versions of me that exist, the one I like the most is the person I am with you!
Words like "romance" and "sexuality" weren't even on Rika's mind as she thought about Saori. It was just love, closeness, a powerful but comfortable connection between two humans who shared similarities and differences in almost equal amount.
ooo
"I just love you, Saori Hidaka. I can't think of any other word to describe it. It's warm and soft, and it's always there when I need, whether I'm happy or sad, up or down." Rika wasn't crying anymore, but she looked into Saori's eyes gratefully and squeezed her arms affectionately.
"Oh, Rika…" Saori was dumbfounded.
"It's ok, you don't have to say anything back, I know that was a lot," Rika grinned sheepishly.
"No, it's not that!" Saori said quickly. "I just had no idea you felt that way…" It was shocking enough to hear Rika Seto, of all people, talking about how Rika Seto might've rushed into things, but after hearing her explanation behind why she felt that way, Saori was floored.
You were so excited and hopeful for somebody to love, and for somebody to love YOU in return. You rushed into things before you were really ready, because you didn't even know, but the moment you REALLY knew was… after you met me…
Even if they would never be able to pin down an exact date when Rika really started to love Saori, she could say confidently that she'd never felt this way about anybody else, even Tsubaki. That was not to say she did not love Tsubaki, but what she had with Saori was different.
She was my first love, the place where I made all of my mistakes, Rika bit her lip. But Saori? She's the love that lasted the test of time. She's quiet and enduring, peace instead of excitement. It was strange to imagine the fiery leader of M4 talking about "peace", but Saori would always be Rika's exception. All she wanted now was just to be with Saori, in any capacity. Whatever felt natural to them, that was what Rika wanted.
No matter where you go, I'm happy for you. And I don't know where it comes from, but I can feel it in my very bones that we'll always come back to each other in the end. What was the old saying? "We are never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart." That rang true for Rika. What she and Saori had ran so much deeper than any word she had in her vocabulary.
Tsubaki never made Rika "perform" for her, or put on an act, but that was how Rika first approached Tsubaki anyway. With Saori, though, Rika felt like perfectly enough just the way she was. I can't even remember when it first started to sink in, that was how smooth, effortless, and natural it was. It was only after Rika stopped searching that she started finding. Only when she was no longer looking for love did she find it. If there was a scientific explanation for this phenomenon (don't search, just find) Rika did not know. What she did know was that—
"I love you, Saori Hidaka." She hugged Saori again, gentle this time, no longer sobbing dramatically. "So I just wanted to take the time to thank you, for all that you are, and all that you've ever done for me. Even if it was just as unintentional on your end, we've built something really beautiful, and I want thank you for being the one to help me finally find that experience."
Maybe in another universe, she Tsubaki did become the end game, but in this universe? Saori is the one the red thread tied me to. Fate ordained that they meet, but it was Saori and Rika who made the conscious decision and effort to build up what they had today.
"Oh, Rika…" Saori's voice was soft, almost reverent, as she hugged Rika back. She was gentle, even gentler than Rika, as if scared that hugging Rika too hard would cause her to crumble. On the inside, though, Saori was hugging Rika as fiercely as she could.
I never knew you felt this way. Not just about me, but Tsubaki, and relationships in general. I never knew you felt like you had to be the version of yourself that would be the most acceptable to the public! But… although I'm sorry you ever had to feel that way, I'm so glad, and grateful, that you don't mind being yourself around me.
You're right, there are no traditions or expectations between us, except the ones that we mutually agree upon. And I think that's what makes us so great. You don't have to do certain things, or be a certain way, for me to love you, because I already do.
"I love you too, Rika Seto, I love you too."
There were no more words, but there was no more need. They basked in the present of each other's presence. They did not search for answers, or even questions. Instead, they existed in the moment, together, and in doing so, they found.