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Hongjoong doesn’t notice it at first.
He’s so engrossed in explaining his new strategy for the next soccer match to his star defenders, San and Wooyoung, that his brain doesn’t register people mumbling sporadically around them. The second years are always noisy anyway so his brain barely registers the increase in sound.
It’s San that breaks concentration first, looking up from the sheet that Hongjoong had messily drawn a sketch of their new plan on, to see that the whole class has migrated to crowd around the windows that look down into the courtyard.
Hongjoong follows San’s glance and sighs, “Why do you youngsters always have something going on?” he mumbles underneath his breath.
Wooyoung rolls his eyes, “You’re like a year older than us,” he responds matter of factly, the younger’s neck craning like San’s to see what everyone is looking at.
Hongjoong sighs, yet again, “Just go,” he says when the other two look at him with pleading eyes.
So much for strategizing during the break.
San and Wooyoung comically run up quickly to the windows, joining the murmuring crowd. Hongjoong grabs his pencils and papers, ready to leave and go back to his classroom to eat lunch in the five minutes he has of the break.
But he’s not going to lie, he’s curious as to what is going on. But everyone is murmuring at once so there is no decipherable word that can be heard.
Until Wooyoung’s loud screech breaks through the murmurs.
“OH MY GOD JEONG YUNHO IS GETTING CONFESSED TO!”
Hongjoong drops all his things to the floor.
.
.
.
Jeong Yunho confesses to Hongjoong right when the flowers are starting to bloom.
At that point, Hongjoong had only been a third year student for a month and he was barely able to juggle his school work and soccer. Though his years playing as a goalie had taught him how to shoulder a weight of great responsibility, being the new team captain brought a wave of anxiousness that Hongjoong is barely able to handle.
After a particularly grueling practice he’s walking out through the courtyard when Yunho stops him in his tracks, the younger’s eyes shining like twinkling stars as he tells the older that he had something important to say.
Though Yunho is a year younger than the goalie, Hongjoong hears about him plenty even before he had met the other. It’s hard not to hear about Yunho.
He is easily the most popular student in his grade, and one of the most popular students in the whole school. Top ranked in his first year in academics and the face of the broadcasting club for two consecutive years in a row, it’s like no one could stop talking about him. It also doesn’t help that he’s insanely good looking. In his first year he received a record breaking amount of chocolates on Valentine’s Day, however he’s never had a girlfriend (at least not one that anyone knows of).
Midway through last year Hongjoong had started to see Yunho quite often because Yunho is close friends with San and Wooyoung, who are both part of the soccer team. At some point, Yunho had started to come to soccer practice to watch from the bleachers, which Hongjoong found secretly adorable because not a lot of friends are supportive like that. Yunho is always cheering the loudest during matches and he makes sure to congratulate the team personally (even when they lose).
Despite that, the words spoken between the two are few. Yunho always tries to start conversations but Hongjoong often finds himself awkwardly shrugging the other way with one word answers. It’s not like he wants to be cold, it’s just with Yunho he finds it difficult not to be.
Embarrassingly, Hongjoong’s throat always manages to close up when it comes to good-looking people talking to him and Yunho is no exception.
So when Yunho tells Hongjoong that he has something important to say, Hongjoong’s heart is in his throat.
“What’s up?” he asks the younger casually, his hands gripping his duffle bag tightly. He tries hard not to think how pretty Yunho looks with his hair swept up, a hairstyle he doesn’t do often.
“Umm,” Yunho starts, uncharacteristically bashful while his hand rubs the back of his neck, “Congrats on becoming captain.”
Hongjoong couldn’t help a huff from escaping his lips, “Yeah you congratulated me the day it was announced last year,” he reminds the other. He still remembers the way Yunho had run up to him while San and Wooyoung were clinging onto him while screaming their own congrats into the older’s ears. And despite that Hongjoong had heard Yunho’s words clearly.
Congrats Hongjoong, you deserve it.
Yunho’s laugh brings Hongjoong back to the moment, “Oh right,” he says sheepishly, “yeah sorry um that’s not what I wanted to say.”
Yunho’s ears are a pretty shade of red, and Hongjoong vaguely wonders if it’s that cold outside to cause such a reaction.
Hongjoong patiently waits. Yunho being nervous for some reason causes Hongjoong to gain some composure back.
Yunho opens his mouth and says,
“I like you.”
Hongjoong’s mouth drops open and his duffel bag goes down with it.
The sound of his gear clacking to the ground echoes loudly across the empty courtyard.
Well there goes that composure.
“What?” Hongjoong asks dumbly, and the spread of red reaches Yunho’s cheeks.
Yunho takes in a deep breath, his eyes wide and honest and Hongjoong is not sure if he’s imagining it or not but there is also a little bit of fear.
“I have liked you since last year when I saw you save every goal thrown at you in the first game of the season,” Yunho tells the other, “and you’re handsome and cool and smart and insanely good at soccer. So um yeah I like you.”
Hongjoong is absolutely floored. Because what ?
“That a lot of words,” Hongjoong weakly comments as his face burns red. The words smart, cool and handsome circling like a tornado in his head.
“Yeah,” Yunho admits as his face turns the same flaming shade of red, “I don’t want to pressure you or anything. I just wanted to let you know. But I mean if you would like to go out with me… um… that would be great.”
He finishes the sentence off with an awkward smile and Hongjoong still can not compute the fact that Jeong freaking Yunho is asking him out on a date much less give a coherent response.
And Hongjoong can’t lie - Yunho is handsome in a way that makes his heart stutter. He often finds himself staring at the younger for a second too long at times and maybe during the quiet and tired nights he had (just once or twice) imagined himself in the other’s arms.
But Yunho is gentle while Hongjoong is all sharp edges. And while Yunho is a ray of sunshine Hongjoong usually has a thunder cloud following him most days. Hongjoong is not sure if they could ever work. But Yunho is smiling at him so sweetly that it takes his breath away.
He finds that he wants this. Doesn’t he deserve to have someone like Yunho by his side?
His heart is beating a mile per hour and despite it he feels more relaxed than he has ever been in weeks.
That’s what helps him make the decision in the end. Something about Yunho calms the storm in his heart.
“Yeah okay,” Hongjoong replies after long moments of thought, his voice softer than a gentle breeze, “let’s go out.”
Yunho smiles. While most of his grins could be said to be as blinding as the sun in a cloudless sky, this one was soft and warm like the gentle touch of the sun on an otherwise cold day.
“One thing though,” Hongjoong says quickly before he loses the nerve to say it all together, “I just want to keep this between us. For now.”
Yunho nods, a bit too eagerly. Hongjoong never really got the comparisons between Yunho and golden retrievers but right now he gets it - he’s sure if Yunho had a tail it would be wagging like crazy.
Yunho extends his hand forward, palm up.
“I’ll walk home with you. Hold my hand?” he asks shyly, and Hongjoong’s heart beats at a speed that he never thought it would.
Without hesitation, Hongjoong holds Yunho’s hand.
Oh god , Hongjoong thinks faintly, please let me have this one good thing work out for me .
.
.
.
The leaves are now turning brown and a smiling Yunho is listening to a girl confess to him. And Hongjoong watches. With his heart in his throat and his stomach twisted in knots he watches a beautiful girl that looks to be made out of any boy’s dream ask Yunho - handsome, perfect, all round good boy Yunho - on a date.
The classroom is close enough to the courtyard to faintly hear what they are saying through the open window. Despite the whispers of the students around him, Hongjoong zeroes in on the girl’s voice and manages to catch the end of her question.
“ - go to the amusement park with me this weekend?”
Everyone around him gasps, and they finally quiet. All of them are staring at Yunho, waiting for his answer. If it was anybody else but Yunho Hongjoong would have scattered the other students away while telling them to give the two students some privacy for the confession. But this was Yunho. His Yunho that is being confessed to.
Hongjoong finds himself holding his breath like the rest of the students around him who are watching the scene unfold. Waiting for Yunho’s answer.
Obviously Yunho would say no.
Right.
Right?
Slowly, but surely.
Yunho nods.
The students around him erupt in cheers. Wooyoung and San are around him somewhere screeching in excitement. But Hongjoong could barely hear any of it. The loud noise is distant in his ears. Instead, everything is a buzz as if his brain just went static. As if his mind officially checked out in an attempt to comprehend what just happened in front of him.
His feet automatically move away from the window, his body providing him some sort of preservation. His eyes fall away from Yunho who is rubbing his hand behind his neck as he usually does when he’s embarrassed. His mouth is formed into a small smile as he looks at the girl who's practically jumping in excitement.
Hongjoong packs his stuff up as quickly as possible and walks out to the hallway. His feet bring him to his classroom on its own, and the whole time his mind replays the scene that he had just watched.
Jeong Yunho. Jeong Yunho, his boyfriend of six months, was confessed to and accepted that confession.
Hongjoong would have laughed at the absurdity of it all if he had the energy to. His phone buzzes like crazy as he takes a seat back in his classroom, but he turns it off without even bothering to look at who is texting him. He has a feeling of who it is and he doesn’t have the mental capacity to dissect what has happened, much less confront the one person who has caused his heart to shatter into a billion pieces. A feeling that Hongjoong thought before that day to be an over exaggeration, but his heart really did feel like it’s been torn and scattered around.
Yunho and him spent all of yesterday after school together. They were studying in Hongjoong’s room, or at least Hongjoong was studying. Yunho spent half his time sketching Hongjoong’s face on his paper and the other half stealing kisses from Hongjoong. How Yunho got his good grades Hongjoong had no idea.
Though disgruntled by Yunho’s distraction, Hongjoong had eventually given in. Climbing into Yunho’s lap as he kissed the other senseless, trying to keep quiet in case his mom had decided to come home early.
Yunho had left his house that day with his mouth bitten with kisses and his smile affectionate as he squeezed Hongjoong’s hand while he whispered good night.
They had been good then. At least Hongjoong thought they were good. Yunho had even texted him good morning today, like he always had done every day since they had begun dating. Hongjoong had no reason to think that there was something wrong between them. The last time he checked they were dating. So why would Yunho say yes?
The mature thing to do would be to confront Yunho about it. To simply go up to him, jab a finger into his chest and ask him: what the fuck are you doing? But Hongjoong isn't known for his maturity, and he would avoid a confrontation like a plague on any given day. Which is why as the school bell rings to signal the end of the day, instead of going to find Yunho he goes out to the soccer field instead.
It is one the of the few days in which Hongjoong doesn’t have soccer practice after school but he’s back to the familiar fields regardless. A ball rests against his hip as he tosses his backpack away when he approaches the goal post. Before he knows it he’s kicking the soccer ball into the goal post, practicing various angles of shots and chasing after the ball mindlessly as it bounces back. It’s incredibly strenuous, and Hongjoong feels sweat break on his back within fifteen minutes of doing the activity but it is also great because it simply makes him forget. It’s hard to think when you’re so hyper focused on chasing around a black and white ball and that’s exactly what Hongjoong needs.
His mind is so preoccupied by it that he doesn’t notice footsteps running up to him. He doesn’t even sense the presence behind him until he feels a warm hand on his shoulder. Hongjoong, who is in the midst of kicking the ball again into the goal, yelps in surprise at the sudden touch and flips around.
His eyes meet an equally startled Yunho. The younger’s eyes are wide and his breathes are shallow as his face is bathed in red.
“Hongjoong,” he breathes as a greeting and Hongjoong resists the urge to punch the other in the stomach and run away. Holding some semblance and maturity Hongjoong just levels the younger with a cold stare.
“What?” he greets back, his voice clipped and annoyed.
Yunho winces at the tone, “You weren’t answering my calls or texts,” Yunho replies, the hurt evident in his voice, which is ridiculous because out of the two of them it is not Yunho who got the burnt end of the stick.
“Why don’t you start texting and calling that girl that you decided to go on a date with instead?” Hongjoong snaps.
Yunho’s purses his lips and his eyes turn round with those darn puppy dog eyes that Hongjoong fell for in the first place but now makes Hongjoong want to throttle him instead.
“It’s a misunderstanding, trust me as soon as it happened I was texting you with an explanation and was looking for you-“
“How could there possibly be an explanation for you agreeing to go on a date with someone else!?” Hongjoong exclaims, his eyes simmering with tears that he tries to blink away.
Yunho reaches forward to grab Hongjoong’s hand but Hongjoong flinches away.
“Don’t come near me,” Hongjoong bites, hating how obviously hurt and vulnerable he sounds. It feels as though his heart has been bitten raw.
Yunho takes in a deep breath, “Hongjoong I just couldn’t reject her. There were so many people around and I didn’t want her to feel embarrassed.”
Hongjoong scoffs, “Right so who gives a fuck about how I feel right? As long as this girl saves face.”
Yunho flinches and his eyes turn downcast, “Everyone started shipping us at the start of the year,” he mumbles to the ground, “I didn’t do anything to lead her on but it just became this huge thing and I didn’t want to hurt her Hongjoong. It’s not fair to her. It’s not like she knows we’re together…”
Hongjoong shakes his head as Yunho’s voice trails off, “So what will I just become some sort of side piece to you now?” he bites cruelly though he knows deep down that Yunho would never even think - much less consider - such a thing.
Yunho looks up with his eyes brimming with hurt, “Hongjoong please don’t be like that,” he pleads, his voice just a few notches away from desperate, “it’s just one date and I’ll just tell her it won’t work out afterwards. That way no one is hurt.”
Yes, except for me.
Hongjoong crosses his arms, his hurt morphs into an ugly and bitter rage. He wants to laugh crazily because he could have never thought that Jeong Yunho would hurt him like this. That Yunho’s kindness would be such a double edged sword.
“Why tell her it won’t work out? Why don’t you just start dating her instead?” Hongjoong questions unkindly, the words causing puncture wounds to his own heart as he says it.
Yunho’s eyes widen in shock, and for a few seconds there is only complete silence. Hongjoong purses his lips as he waits for Yunho to reply and his face heats up with all the anger he is feeling. For a couple of seconds Yunho’s only response is a wide mouth and startled eyes. Then as if something just shut off within him Yunho’s mouth closes into an enraged frown and the light in his eyes completely dim.
It is the first time Hongjoong has seen Yunho look like this - cold and annoyed.
“Fuck you Hongjoong,” the younger snips and Hongjoong flinches because he has never heard Yunho swear so viciously before, “of course you would say something like that so easily, it’s like you have been waiting for a moment like this,” he snaps.
Hongjoong’s mouth sours, “What is that supposed to mean?” he asks weakly, all the heat in his voice gone due to the surprise of Yunho’s statement.
Yunho takes in a shuddering breath and his eyes narrow. Hongjooog’s question seems to push further towards the edge of agitation.
With his voice on edge Yunho says,
“You have never acted like you wanted to be with me in the first place. Are you just taking this chance to break up with me?”
What the fuck?
What
The
Fuck?
The question hits Hongjoong like a soccer ball straight to his stomach. Hell, Hongjoong has felt that before and even that hurt less. He opens his mouth to say something to retaliate but his mouth is dry and without words.
Yunho closes his eyes and shakes head, pinching the bridge of his nose as he does so, “Forget it,” he mumbles.
Hongjoong bites the inside of his cheek and tries to blink back the tears that threaten to come out. He can not just forget it . Yunho’s accusation rings loudly in Hongjoong’s ears and his heart practically caves in with all the pain those couple of words had caused.
“Fuck you,” Hongjoong says, not harshly, not angrily.
He says it softly. Like a thought that was never meant to escape his lips. And in so many ways that is worse.
Hongjoong doesn’t even bother looking at Yunho to see the younger’s reaction. He hurries to gather his things and turns his back to his boyfriend (his now ex boyfriend? Hongjoong’s head pounds with just the thought). Yunho does not make any noise, nor does he attempt to follow Hongjoong.
Hongjoong has no idea what that means.
Hongjoong manages to walk back home in one piece. But the moment he closes his bedroom door shut behind him and plops onto his bed the tears start to flow from his eyes freely.
He sobs into his pillow until tiredness seeps in and sleep takes over.
.
.
.
One thing about fighting with your boyfriend (or ex) on a Friday is that you will not be forced to see them the next day at school. It’s the first thing that Hongjoong thinks when he wakes up the next day to his eyes feeling crusty and his mouth tasting sour.
Despite himself, he finds his hands reaching towards his phone by the nightstand table that he had not looked at since yesterday. He opens it to find the flurry of messages and calls from Yunho yesterday that he had received before meeting Yunho by the soccer field. There's some recent ones too but without looking too much into it he deletes all those notifications with a tired sigh.
He rubs his eyes and decides to stay in bed for the whole day. Even though he has homework, even though his mother will practically chew him into pieces for lazing around Hongjoong could not bring himself to leave the comfort and the protection of his sheets.
Hongjoong looks back at his phone and the time reads 1:30 pm. He wonders why his mother hadn’t come up to kick out of bed yet and figures that is a small blessing that he had been granted to otherwise shitty day.
Right as he was about to close his eyes again and let sleep take him so he could just stop thinking he receives a notification. This one from the group chat he has with the soccer team.
Wooyoung: OMG LOOK WHO I FOUND AT THE AMUSEMENT PARK!!
And there is a preview of a blurry image that Hongjoong can not see without wiping up - but the captain has a feeling of what it could be.
Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. You’re only going to hurt yourself.
His thumb has other ideas as it swipes at the notification and the group chat pops up. Hongjoong does not even have time to take a steadying breath before the picture is in his face.
The picture is slightly blurry but he can clearly see Yunho’s tall figure in it. His back is to the camera but it seems that his hand is outward giving something to the girl in front of him. The girl is more clearly seen on camera, her face split into a wide joyous smile, and her eyes are twinkling with happiness. They’re right in front of the bucket toss stand, so it is not hard to imagine what Yunho is handing off to the girl. He has always been annoyingly good at shooting hoops.
New messages pop up in the group chat.
Jongho: Wooyoung did you just stalk them on their date?
Wooyoung: Not just me, San too!
Jongho : Don’t type that like you’re proud of it
San: They’re super cute together we couldn’t help it
Jongho: Yeah guess they gonna be the new power couple of the school
Hongjoong clenches his eyes shut as he shuts his phone off. Pressing the power button so hard that he practically imprints it to his forefinger.
His eyes brim again with tears and he is slightly surprised by it. He would have thought that he had run out of tears after last night. He doesn’t remember the last time he had cried so intensely. He covers his eyes with his elbow and takes in deep labouring breaths to calm himself down.
There is only so much his dignity is allowing him to cry over a boy for.
The thing is he agrees with everyone else.
Yunho and that girl really would make a good couple.
That’s what hurts him more than anything else. Sure, Yunho’s betrayal was like a stab in his heart but to some extent, knowing Yunho and knowing Yunho’s heart, Hongjoong can understand why he would have done it. The endless pain in his chest stems from the fact that Yunho would be so much better with a girl like the one he is on a date with right now.
You have never acted like you wanted to be with me in the first place. Are you just taking this chance to break up with me? Yunho had accused him yesterday, and at the time the words were like bricks to his head. But as the words had swirled around his mind all night Hongjoong had come to realize that Yunho hadn't been completely wrong.
And he hates himself for it.
It’s not like Hongjoong wants to break up with Yunho. Hongjoong likes Yunho so much. He likes the Yunho that stuffs his face with snacks, the Yunho that grows way too serious while playing video games, the Yunho that could do anything when he puts his mind to it, the Yunho that smiles like everything is good and pure in the world.
He likes the Yunho that kisses him like Hongjoong is all that he wants, the Yunho that treats Hongjoong as if his boyfriend is the best person in the world. He likes Yunho so so much.
But he doesn’t deserve Yunho.
Hongjoong doesn’t deserve that type of kindness. To have someone so devoted and so in love with him. It freaks Hongjoong out. The boy texts him “good morning” and “goodnight” everyday and sometimes Hongjoong forgets to reply back. Hongjoong isn't good to Yunho at all. And it was confirmed by Yunho’s words yesterday.
You have never acted like you wanted to be with me in the first place.
Hongjoong swallows down a sob.
Gosh how could he have screwed that bad?
He can already imagine it. Yunho coming back from his date and telling Hongjoong officially that he wants to break up. That he found someone that would give him as much love as he gives. Hongjoong could see the scenario so clearly. How Yunho's expression would be one filled with sorry but determination as he tells Hongjoong that he would have to break it off, that he is better off without Hongjoong. Meanwhile Hongjoong would have to pretend that he wasn’t falling apart on the inside.
The sob crawls back up his throat again, this time unrelenting and stubborn to be let out.
And Hongjoong often tries very hard to not succumb to his emotions. He is like that in soccer games when the opponent is trying to taunt him - he makes sure to be level-headed and not let the game get out of his hands, he is the goalie afterall, the game is dependent on him being reliable. And as a captain it just became so much more important to not let his emotions run him. Somewhere along the line closing off his emotion on the field turned to being the same way outside of the field. He doesn’t allow his emotions to control him.
But this time he let it go. He lets himself cry again for a boy that had stolen his heart and then broken it.
He cries because it’s really his fault that his heart is broken after all.
By the time he tires himself out again and wakes up from another nap, the sun is already down. His stomach grumbles wildly in complaint at the lack of food. Groaning, he gets up with his mouth tasting like something died in it and his eyes crusted shut. After washing his face and all the dried up tears along with it, in a zombie like state he goes downstairs. His just awakened senses blatantly pick up the scent of marinated crab cooking.
His mother stands in the kitchen with her hand on her hips and her eyes on the stove. At the sound of Hongjoong entering the kitchen she looks up and takes a good look at her son’s sorry state.
“You don’t look so good,” his mother observes softly.
Hongjoong sighs, quickly realizing that his mother must have heard his tears throughout the night before and now. It’s probably why she hadn’t bulldozed into his room to wake him up before, and why she’s making his favorite food now.
“I’m fine,” Hongjoong lies. He hates making his mother worry.
His mother purses her lips, obviously not believing him, but she doesn’t push. One great thing about his mother is that she never does. Instead, she silently plates Hongjoong food. Hongjoong engulfs the dish like he hasn’t eaten for years, and gets a second helping that he consumes with equal fervor.
Once his stomach has been filled, and his energy has gained back he takes a good look at his mom - at the crease between her forehead, the pinch of a frown on her mouth and the worried look in her eyes. He sighs again.
He really really hates worrying his mom.
“It’s really nothing mom,” Hongjoong tries to comfort her, “I just…screwed up something that was important to me,” he manages to say.
His mother hums, “Soccer.”
“No.”
“A girl.”
Hongjoong snorts, “No.”
“A boy?”
Hongjoong is rendered mute. He had offhandedly mentioned to his mom that he was bisexual a year ago, and of course his mom has been supportive from the get go. But he didn’t expect her to draw the right conclusion so quickly.
“Oh Hongjoong,” she says at the look on Hongjoong’s face, which must have been not good at all because now it looks like she is going to cry. She wraps her arms around her youngest son.
“What happened?” she asks gently.
In the comfort of his mother’s arms, Hongjoong found it incredibly difficult to hold everything in.
Hongjoong takes in a shaky breath, “I think - I think I am breaking up with someone that I really like,” he whispers brokenly into his mother’s shoulder.
His mother’s arms tightens around him, “Why are you breaking up with him if you like him?” his mother asks carefully.
Hongjoong chokes back his tears and clenches his eyes shut, the words rushing out his mouth
“Because I don’t think I deserve him.”
“Oh Hongjoong,” he mother sighs, kissing the top of Hongjoong’s head as her son swallows down his tears, “that is ridiculous. There is no such thing as deserve when it comes to love.”
Hongjoong shakes his head, “You don’t get it mom. He’s so good to me. And I’m not -”
“Did he say that to you?” His mom interrupts him, her voice firm.
“Not exactly,” Hongjoong admits, “but he… he said he feels like I don’t want to date him.”
His mother is quiet for a couple of moments, “It sounds to me like you hurt him without realizing.”
Hongjoong knows that. The tears threaten to escape his eyes again.
“Which is why I need to -”
“No,” his mother interrupts again, moving away from Hongjoong to hold his face in her hands, “don’t do that. You don’t run away from something just because it’s slightly broken. You fix it.”
Hongjoong sniffles, and through his tears he stares at his mother’s determined eyes, “How?” he manages to whisper back.
“Talk to him,” she answers simply and firmly, “and tell him how you truly feel, my love.”
Hongjoong takes a deep breath, he hates talking about his feelings. He hates it right now, and he’s barely even doing it.
His mom sighs, and gently brushes her thumb against his cheek, “I know you hate doing that, especially when it puts you in a vulnerable position. But isn't he worth being vulnerable for?”
Yes. Hongjoong’s heart answers for him immediately. The same heart that speeds up at the sight of Yunho’s smile. That soars when the younger holds Hongjoong’s hand. The same heart that aches when Yunho kisses him goodbye when they have to part for the day and caves in with want when Yunho is in his embrace.
He’s worth it. Hongjoong’s heart tells him. He’s worth everything.
His mother doesn’t wait for an answer. Perhaps she could see the answer clearly written on her son’s face instead. She gives Hongjoong one last hug before letting him go.
“If it’s worth it, it’s not going to be easy,” she tells him simply, and though Hongjoong agrees he wonders why relationships really have to be this fucking hard.
He feels exhausted all over again even though he slept for most of the day. He finds himself in his bedroom again, staring down blankly at his phone as he tries to figure out what to do.
He should text Yunho. He should. But he cannot stop thinking about how Yunho might still be on his date with the girl and the thought makes him want to throw up.
Hongjoong deliberates dealing with all of this tomorrow but he doesn’t think he can get any sleep tonight if he doesn’t do something .
He unlocks his phone, fully intending to text Yunho when his phone lights up and vibrates in his hand. The caller ID shining bright in the dim light of his room.
Yunho.
Hongjoong swallows. With shaky hands he slides to answer and holds the phone up to his ear.
He doesn’t say anything and all he hears on the other end is shallow breaths.
“Hongjoong,” Yunho finally says, his voice raspy but loud in Hongjoong’s ears. Hongjoong closes his eyes at the sound of the other’s voice, his heart dipping with just the sound of his name coming from Yunho’s mouth.
Gosh I really like him.
“Are you home?” Yunho continues, when Hongjoong doesn’t say anything.
“Yes,” Hongjoong manages to reply after long beats of silence.
Yunho breathes out like he was holding in his breath for a while, “Okay good,” then a couple seconds later, “I’m outside your house, can I see you?”
And he sounds so small and hesitant. Like he truly thinks that Hongjoong is going to say no.
Hongjoong feels a biting pain in his chest at that, “Okay,” he whispers, then he hangs up before Yunho could say anything else that would make him cry again.
Hongjoong is too afraid to look into the mirror, knowing that if he sees how disastrous he looks now he would not go out to see Yunho. He takes in huge breaths as he attempts to force his legs to move out his bedroom door.
If it’s worth it, it’s not going to be easy. His mother’s words ring in his ears.
He manages to push himself outside his bedroom door and downstairs. When he drags himself outside, the cold air bites him immediately. But instead of bothering to get a jacket Hongjoong simply clenches his teeth and walks out.
Hongjoong could see Yunho’s tall figure outside his house gates. The taller one leaning against the wall as he stares up at the sky. Hongjoong almost wants to walk back in his house at the sight of the other. Yunho’s clothes are still the same as when he went on the date and Hongjoong can not stop the image of Yunho and the girl popping in his mind at the sight of the younger.
The wind blows harder and Hongjoong’s takes in a shuddering breath with it. As if he is ready to face a penalty shot from an opposing team, Hongjoong squares up his shoulder and narrows his eyes in determination as he walks towards Yunho.
Yunho turns around when Hongjoong is just a few paces away from him. When his head turns to catch the other his eyes widen at the sight. As if he was surprised to see Hongjoong even though it was he who had called to see Hongjoong in the first place.
“Hongjoong,” Yunho breathes, saying the goalie’s name as if it is in of itself a gift. The way he would say if quite often, whether they’re out simply walking hand in hand down an empty street or tangled in sheets during the quiet moments of an evening in an empty house.
“Yunho,” Hongjoong greets back, and he says it like he always utters it. Like he’s unsure if he even has the privilege to say it in the first place.
Yunho’s hand itches from the side, and Hongjoong can tell the other boy is fighting the urge to touch him. Hongjoong is glad because the last thing he needs right now is Yunho’s touch. He’s not sure he would react well to it - it would either end with him sobbing or punching Yunho in the face and running away.
“I’m sorry,” Yunho bursts in apology, as if the words were on the verge of tipping out of his mouth from the morning, “I’m sorry for being stupid and agreeing to go on the date. I’m sorry for going out on the date. I’m sorry for everything I said yesterday. I‘m sorry.”
And when Yunho finishes speaking he heaves huge breaths, as if pulling the words out had physically drained him.
Hongjoong’s mouth is sandpaper, and his tongue feels heavy with all the words he should say - that he needs to say. And in the end the ones that tumble out are,
“Did you have fun on that date?”
He flinches as soon as he asks and Yunho’s eyes damper at the question. His mouth immediately pulls into a sad frown that makes Hongjoong want to punch a wall - or himself.
“No,” Yunho answers quietly, “of course I didn’t,” then he takes a tentative step forward so that he’s closer to Hongjoong, “I told her it wouldn’t work out from the start and that I only agreed because there were so many people watching us. We just continued our date because we didn’t want to waste our ticket and because I-“ then Yunho reaches deep into his pocket and pulls something out, “I wanted to win you this.”
Hongjoong peers down at Yunho’s outstretched palm and sees a mini squirtle keychain, the arms of the squirtle outstretched and its mouth spread in a wide grin.
“Reminded me of you,” Yunho adds shyly when Hongjoong doesn’t reply.
Hongjoong could only stare at the other in shock. At the tiny squirtle in Yunho’s big palm, at the way Yunho’s ears were turning red in a way that had nothing to do with the cold and the way his mouth was quivering with a small hesitant smile.
Fuck I love him.
The realization crashes into Hongjoong like a brick to the head but instead of knocking him over it only steadies him. It made his resolve stronger.
As much as Hongjoong wanted to simply grab the keychain and kiss Yunho senselessly, essentially forgiving him simply and moving past everything that happened, the captain just couldn’t.
Yunho means way too much to him to just move past something like this.
So instead Hongjoong states, “You said you were sorry about what you said yesterday. But you meant it.”
Not a question. Because there was never any question of whether Yunho had truly felt what he said.
Yunho clenches his eyes shut for a second as if Hongjoong had stabbed him through the chest with that question. He puts the keychain back in his pocket and takes a deep breath.
“We are really going to have this conversation?” The younger asks weakly when he opens his eyes, his hidden question of ‘ do we have to’ very evident between the words.
“What did you mean by me waiting to break up with you?” Hongjoong questions, almost impatiently.
Yunho winces, “Hongjoong it’s really not the big of a deal,” he replies, almost whining it.
Hongjoong purses his lips, “It’s a big deal to me,” he says after a couple of seconds and Yunho’s shoulder droops.
Yunho rubs his hand behind his neck and looks everywhere but at Hongjoong, “I misdirected the blame on you. It’s just something that I have to work on.”
“Then let me help you work on it,” Hongjoong responds firmly.
Yunho rubs his face tiredly, and with his palm still covering his face he mumbles, “I am just insecure okay?”
Hongjoong blinks. Whatever he thought Yunho was going to say, it was not this.
“You’re what?” Hongjoong responds dumbly.
“You’re just-and I am just-,” Yunho elaborates incoherently, his palms still covering his face and muffling his voice, “I just have doubts sometimes you know?”
“Have doubts about what?” Hongjoong asks, because he needs Yunho to say this out loud.
Yunho takes his hands away from his face and stares down at Hongjoong with teary eyes. As if the world is crumbling around him and all he could do is watch.
“Sometimes I think you're embarrassed of dating me,” he murmurs, his voice choking up towards the end.
Hongjoong’s breath catches in his throat, “Why would you think that?”
Yunho scrunches up his nose, but not in a cute way. In a - this is the only thing keeping the tears from falling out of my eyes- way.
“You don’t want anyone to know about us, and at first I thought it was because you weren’t out. But then I found out the whole school knows that you are bi and Wooyoung had told me once offhandedly that your mom was super cool for accepting that you were queer so quickly. So obviously that wasn’t the problem. So that would only leave the reason to be well… the reason to be that’s it’s me that you were dating.”
Hongjoong’s heart swoops down to his stomach. That wasn’t what he intended with it all, he is honestly baffled that Yunho would even come to this conclusion and how much it would have hurt all this time if Yunho had thought that way. And Hongjoong didn’t even notice .
“That’s not it,” Hongjoong says hurriedly, wanting to diminish that idea from Yunho’s head as soon as possible, “it had nothing to do with you. I just didn’t want people to pry. I wasn’t ashamed of dating you Yunho, you’re literally the most popular person in school -”
“I’m not,” Yunho interrupts bashfully.
“You are. And if people knew they would be all over our business and I just,” Hongjoong flushes warm despite the cold, “I just wanted to keep you to myself for a bit longer.”
Yunho eyes widens, and a sense of understanding flickers in his eyes, “Oh,” he whispers.
Saying it out loud Hongjoong feels slightly stupid and even a bit selfish, “It was dumb,” Hongjoong mumbles, then a bit louder, “I will tell the whole school tomorrow. Yunho, I will scream it at the top of my lungs in front of everyone. I am not ashamed of you,” he says strongly, repulsed by even the idea of being ashamed of someone as beautiful as Yunho.
Yunho steps forward, his eyes dancing in the lamplights of the dark street, “Hongjoong,” he whispers as if the name itself was worth all the precious gems in the world, and his hands gently cup Hongjoong’s face, “just you saying this is enough for me. We can take all the time you want,” then with a small smirk he adds, “I like the idea of this being only ours for a bit more.”
Hongjoong closes his eyes and leans into the warmth of Yunho’s palm, “You like me that much?” he asks softly, the question lifting off his chest and out in the air.
“Of course,” Yunho says, the smile evident in his voice, his thumb rubbing circles on Hongjoong’s cheekbone.
Hongjoong takes in a shaky breath, “Even though I am a shitty boyfriend,” he says with the words ripping out his throat and into the air.
The fingers rubbing soothing circles still, and Hongjoong opens his eyes at the sudden stop of the motion. He sees Yunho looking at him with a stricken look on his face.
‘What?” he asks incredulously, and then something akin to anger settles in Yunho’s eyes, a look that Hongjoong had never seen on the other before, “Who told you that?” he questions sharply.
Hongjoong shakes away Yunho’s touch, slightly startled by the sudden fury in Yunho’s voice.
“No one said that to me,” Hongjoong clarifies, his throat crackling as he said it, “I just feel that way.”
The anger in Yunho’s eyes is quickly replaced by confusion, “What, why?” he asks as if he could not even fathom such a prospect.
Hongjoong takes a deep breath that feels all too difficult to do. Though he’s outside he feels like he’s in a room with all the walls closing in on him. The cold has gotten the better of him and he’s openly shivering now. Noticing that Yunho takes off his jacket quickly and wraps it around Hongjoong.
“You’re going to get cold,” Hongjoong protests though the jacket spreads an instant warmth across him.
“I’m not cold,” Yunho says. He’s in a flimsy t-shirt and the temperature is in the negatives.
“Fuck Yunho, you’re way too good to me,” Hongjoong says quietly, the words slipping out his mouth hurriedly. The thoughts were bubbling in his head for a while now, and though he supposed he should have some discretion when outlying his biggest insecurity in their relationship, the emotion was just too much to bear.
For a few seconds there was just silence, Hongjoong could not even take it upon himself to look at Yunho, his eyes finding interest in the gravel underneath his feet instead.
“Hongjoong,” Yunho’s voice calls, “please look at me.”
Hongjoong does not know how to comply with that, every nerve in his body is refusing to look at Yunho. What will he see when he looks into the younger’s eyes? Confusion? Understanding? Or the realization that what Hongjoong said was true?
With the lack of response, Yunho takes matters into his own hands. Quite literally. He gently grabs a hold of Hongjoong’s face with his palms to force the other to look at him. Hongjoong finds himself unable to look anywhere but at Yunho. The younger is staring at him with warm eyes filled to the brim with an emotion that Hongjoong is too scared to identify.
“You’re perfect for me,” Yunho says, staring straight into Hongjoong’s eyes.
It’s adoration. Pure unbridled adoration that is apparent in Yunho’s glance.
Hongjoong is tempted to shake away that touch - that part of him that is always too keen to run away is still present after all. But he holds his ground. He finds that a larger part of him wants to stay in Yunho’s hold longer.
“I’m a horrible boyfriend,” Hongjoong croaks again, because he does not know what else to say.
“And why would you think that?” Yunho asks again as if he really couldn’t fathom such a thought.
“I forget to text you good morning and good night sometimes,” Hongjoong mumbles, the shame of not just that but of every other memory of him not living up to being as good of a boyfriend as Yunho entering his brain, “you always do. You always remember.”
“So what? You remember a lot of other things.”
“Like what?”
"You always remember to wish me luck when I have a test,” Yunho responds easily, “even though I barely mention one coming up, you remember and you text me.”
“That’s nothing-” Hongjoong tries to counter - because it really is nothing.
“It’s everything to me,” Yunho interrupts, leaning towards Hongjoong so that they are only centimeters apart, “you’re such a good boyfriend Hongjoong. You remember things that I barely mention, and you are the only person that notices everything about me. You see through my too big smiles and empty laughs. You’re the only person that can truly cheer me up when I am down. You remember how I like to take my coffee and my favorite video game. You learned how to play my favorite video game just so you can do what I enjoy with me. You’re such a good boyfriend in so many ways. Who cares about a couple of missed good mornings and good nights?”
Hongjoong’s chest warms with Yunho’s words. He feels his chest bubble with it - with the sunshine in Yunho’s eyes and the gentle warmth of Yunho’s hands. But the pit of his stomach is still dark with worries and insecurities that have embedded itself deep in him.
“The good morning and good night was just one example,” Hongjoong mumbles.
Yunho's glance flick towards determination, “Then tell me everything else and I will counter it just easily.”
Hongjoong huffs, a smile itching on his face at the sheer resolve in Yunho’s eyes, like he’s ready to stay up all night completing the hardest level to a game.
It is not like Hongjoong did not want to take up on his offer. Hongjoong knows that he needs this. That he needs to hear Yunho say all these things about him or that he will just put himself in misery again down the road. And a selfish part of him wants it badly too - to hear all the sweet things coming out of Yunho’s mouth - words that are only for him.
But it’s cold and it’s late. And Hongjoong has the craving to put Yunho’s mouth to a better use than speaking words.
The desire must be etched on his face because Yunho’s lips tilt into a knowing smirk.
And just as easily as he spoke words of adoration to Hongjoong, Yunho leans down and captures Hongjoong’s lips.
And Hongjoong can never get tired of this. Of the feeling of Yunho pressing his lips against his, his huge hand cradling Hongjoong’s head as they press their bodies so tightly against each other as if they want to deny even a particle to get in between them. It’s the feeling of heat that travels across Hongjoong’s body with every press of lips and that he could barely think of a single coherent thought when Yunho has him in his embrace. It’s the way that their lips move against each other as if they had known each other for years but the spark that ignites in them still feels different every time.
Hongjoong could kiss Yunho for hours. But reality does not make such accommodations.
Yunho is the one who separates first, despite being the younger one of the two he is the one who has his head screwed right when it comes to things like this.
With cheeks burning red, Yunho buries his face into the crook of Hongjoong’s shoulder and mumbles in a barely there voice, “We should not be doing this outside your house.”
“Then come inside,” Hongjoong insists, his head slightly dizzy but the want of it so clear in his mind.
Yunho sighs and he kisses the mole on Hongjoong’s neck, the one right underneath his earlobe and Hongjoong shivers.
“Your mother-”
“Is probably asleep,” Hongjoong persists, “I can sneak you in and you can leave tomorrow before she wakes up. It’s not like we haven’t done it before.”
Yunho continues to leave peppered kissing down Hongjoong’s neck causing the older to completely lose track of his thoughts - which is quite ridiculous since Yunho was the one to insist that they shouldn’t be doing anything risque by his front entrance.
“You’re the best boyfriend,” Yunho whispers as he successfully turns Hongjoong’s brain to mush, and he moves away from Hongjoong’s neck to meet the other’s glance again, “I don’t ever want to hear you say that you’re shitty boyfriend ever again,” he whispers earnestly.
The seriousness in Yunho’s stare manages to get some of the blood back to Hongjoong’s brain.
“Okay,” Hongjoong says softly, “I’ll try.”
Yunho pouts at that response and Hongjoong swallows down a chuckle.
He entwines Yunho’s fingers with his, “Come inside. I will tell you every reason I think I’m a bad boyfriend and you can tell me why I am wrong. Then I may never say it again.”
Yunho takes one of Hongjoong’s hands and kisses it, “I make some very convincing arguments.”
Hongjoong smiles.
“I know,” he says, as he leads Yunho inside.