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DAVE
It was afternoon, and they had just gotten off the bus after a band meeting. Jemaine was dragging their feet, looking at Bret with those big sad eyes as they made their way towards Mohumbhai and Sons.
“You sure I have to do this, Bret?”
“Jemaine. You’ve been telling me you wanted to do this for the last three weeks.”
“Yeah, but what if he’s mean about it…”
“Jemaine. We have been over this. Dave is already a bit mean to us anyway. He will not be extra mean about this. And if he is, we’ll stop being friends with him.”
“But Bret, he’s our only friend.”
Bret didn’t know what to say to that, so he just grabbed Jemaine’s hand and dragged them forward, through the door of the pawn shop and up to the counter, where Dave stood cleaning something.
“Dave. Jemaine wants to tell you something.”
Jemaine looked ready to puke.
“Bret…”
“Jemaine.”
Jemaine sighed. They opened their mouth, closed it again. Dave looked on impatiently.
“Come on, man! Spit it out!”
“Well, uh, that’s kinda the thing… um, I actually, ah. Dave. I’m not really a man. Well. Technically I am. But. Uh.”
“Oh, oh, ok! You one of those they-them types?”
Jemaine froze. Of all the people in New York, Dave had not been near the top of the list for “accepting of nonbinary people.” Dave hadn’t even been on the list of “knows what a nonbinary person is.”
“Uh,” Jemaine said eloquently. Bret kicked them. “Yeah. Well— yeah. Um. Yeah.”
“Cool, Jemaine. Kinda thought you looked like one.” Dave seemed unfazed and… actually kinda pleased? “Thanks for telling me. Murray know yet?”
“No. Well, we tried to tell him, once. It didn’t go great. We’re gonna try again at the next band meeting, maybe. Dunno.”
“Aw, that sucks. Like, it’s not that hard to just respect people, you know? If he gets stuff wrong, you know where I am. I’ll beat that Parisian asshole up for you.”
“It’s—” Bret started, but this time it was Jemaine who kicked him.
“Thank you, Dave. I’ll remember that,” Jemaine said, giving Dave a rare genuine smile.
—
Outside the store, Bret pulled Jemaine into a hug, squashing them before giving them a quick kiss on the cheek. Pulling away just enough to look Jemaine in the eyes, Bret said “See, mate? Dave was totally cool about it. He wasn’t even mean.”
Jemaine looked dazed. “Yeah, I guess. Huh. Wouldn’t have thought that Dave of all people would be so…”
“Knowledgeable?”
“Yeah. I had to show you a whole website and make a flowchart, remember?”
“Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that, again.”
“S’ok. Not a big deal. You’re good about it now.”
“Still. I’m glad at least someone’s got you with no explanations necessary.”
“Yeah, well, that’s not gonna last. Murray’s gonna be a disaster.”
“Hm.” Bret wanted to deny it, but, if last time had been any indication, Jemaine was probably right.
MURRAY, LAST TIME
“You’re what?”
“Um… nonbinary? Like, not in the gender binary. Kinda.”
“Binary? Is this part of your robot thing? Because that’s a very popular song of yours, you know. You can’t just stop doing it because you don’t like the binary code part.”
“No, not the robot binary code— like, there’s male, and female, and that’s a binary? And I’m kinda in the middle?”
“What? No you’re not! It’s just me and Bret and you in here, and Bret and I are both men! In fact, it’s Friday afternoon, and I don’t think there are any women in this whole office that you could be in the middle between.”
“Murray, no, it’s like—”
“Listen, Jemaine, great to talk to you, but Jim and I are going out to tonight and I really should go home and get changed. We can talk more about this later, maybe? I can even put it on the agenda, if you like.”
“Uh. Yeah, ok. Sure.”
MURRAY, THIS TIME
“Alright. So we agreed that the whole gender thing is too hard for him, yeah? So just talk about the pronouns,” Bret said to Jemaine quietly. “Just keep it as straightforward as possible.”
The two of them were on the elevator on their way to a band meeting, discussing their plan of attack. Though Murray had said he’d put “Jemaine’s binary problem” as he called it on the agenda for the next meeting, it had at this point been several weeks and Murray hadn’t breathed a word of it. After talking to Dave, though, Jemaine was newly determined.
“I know, Bret. You remember that you’re not supposed to punch him or anything?”
“Of course, mate. Why’re you even worried about that?”
“Well, you really looked ready to punch him last time.”
“Did not.”
“And when we got home you kept smashing stuff.”
“Nah.”
“And then when we—”
“Hey! Don’t bring that into this!”
“I’m just saying. You can be very aggressive.”
Bret grumbled something too quiet for Jemaine to hear. Jemaine was going to push it, ask what he said, but at that moment the elevator dinged, announcing they’d arrived at the New Zealand Consulate.
They walked to Murray’s office slowly, Bret doing his best to look relaxed and non-aggressive while Jemaine made themself as small as possible, clutching Bret’s hand and partially hiding behind him.
Murray looked up the moment they entered, smiling. “Oh, hi guys! How are my boys today?”
Jemaine winced. This was already off to a bad start.
“Murray, can we maybe discuss something? Before the band meeting starts?” Jemaine said.
“Sure! Lemme just take attendance…”
“No, I meant— alright, yeah, ok.”
“Great! Ok, Jemaine?”
“Present.”
“Bret?”
“Present.”
“And Murray, present. Ok! What’s this you want to talk about, Jemaine?”
“So. Murray. You know a few weeks ago, when we talked about gender?”
“No. What?”
Jemaine stifled a groan. “Ok, nevermind. Just, do you think you could refer to me, um, not as a man? I mean, not as woman either. Just like, neutrally.”
Bret was nodding encouragingly.
Murray looked perplexed. “Neutrally?”
“Not with male pronouns. For example, you could use “they” when you refer to me…”
“You’re not two people, Jemaine!”
Bret was starting to look less encouraging and more murderous.
“Well, I just don’t really feel like male pronouns fit me quite right. I want something gender neutral.”
“Oh. Hm. That makes sense, I guess. So, should I just call you Jemaine?”
“What?”
“You know, since male pronouns don’t fit you. I can just skip them, is that helpful?”
“You mean, like, always use my name instead of using pronouns?”
“Yes, exactly!”
Jemaine exchanged a look with Bret. Bret sighed, then nodded resignedly.
“Ah… ok. Sure, Murray. That would be helpful.”
Murray beamed. “Great! I’m glad we could figure this out, Jemaine. I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Now. On to item two…”
—-
Bret and Jemaine walked home in silence. Only when they were back in the apartment, squashed onto the couch together did they discuss– whatever had just happened.
“So.” Jemaine’s voice was muffled, their face pressed into Bret’s shirt.
“So.”
“At least he gets it a little bit, right? And we can work on it?”
“Yeah. I mean, he can’t possibly just avoid pronouns for you forever, can he?”
“I dunno, man. He’s Murray. Wouldn’t put it past him.”
“Well, I’ll just have to, you know, coach him a bit. And maybe take him to Dave’s store.”
“Aw, nice. Dave was so sweet. Do you think he’d actually beat Murray up?”
“I sure do.” Bret looked a little please at the thought.
They lay together for a while, Jemaine almost drifting off as they listened to the sound of Bret’s heartbeat. Eventually, Bret poked them.
“Hey Jemaine.”
“What.”
“I’m still feeling a tiny bit like I want to beat someone up.”
“Mm.” Jemaine nuzzled at him for a moment, then lifted their head up and looked at him. “Wanna write a diss track about Murray? Would that help?”
Bret grinned. “I love you, Jemaine”
“I love you too, Bret.”
-----
BONUS: MURRAY DOES IN FACT AVOID PRONOUNS FOR JEMAINE FOREVER, BUT AT LEAST HE’S TRYING
“Sorry, I can’t tonight! I’m heading over to Jemaine’s flat to check out Jemaine’s new guitar. Jemaine got it at a flea market when we were out doing a gig, Jemaine says it’s pretty cool!”
“Hey Bret, have you seen Jemaine’s sweater? I think Jemaine left it in my car last time Jemaine got a ride from me, but now I can’t find it.”
“Oh thanks, it is pretty, isn’t it? Jemaine made it for me. Jemaine’s been really into glassblowing lately, I don’t even know where Jemaine got the idea to do it! I’m not complaining, though.”