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English
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Published:
2023-01-26
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What's in a name?

Summary:

All private investigators come to learn a thing or two about what makes a good fake name.

Work Text:

All private investigators come to learn a thing or two about what makes a good fake name. More often than not, blithely inserting oneself into a situation and announcing that, hello, I'm here to investigate, doesn't end well.

The first factor is believability. Some things are obvious: don't go for an elaborate, memorable name that sounds like it should come with an estate. Don't name yourself after a character from your favourite serial, it's never as subtle as you think. If you give yourself, say, an obviously French name, people are going to wonder where you got the English accent from. But chances are that a fake name is going to come under scrutiny from people with naturally suspicious minds, so a little more care is advisable. For example, someone with something to hide might look twice at a young man with a given name that went out of fashion fifty years ago. To a certain kind of person, "Mr Smith" is not just a common name, it's a conspicuously common name. 

And of course, trying to go avant-garde with it by calling yourself something like "John Doe" is just asking for trouble.

The second factor is familiarity. A false name is no good unless you can respond to it naturally, so it's always advisable to choose something that's already close at hand. Similar-sounding names can help: if you can't be Arthur, try being Andrew or Alexander instead. Borrow names from cousins or in-laws, but only if you can be sure not to drag them into hot water. If it’s not too uncommon and you’re working a town or two over, it may even be worth keeping your own surname.

The third factor is the corollary to familiarity, which is investment. A false name often has a lifetime of one case; every reuse runs the risk of some unsavoury acquaintance connecting the dots. Insisting on always pulling out the same alias because you've gotten attached to it is a recipe for disaster. A false name cannot become a favourite overcoat. If you reach for it every time you go out, it will wear through and leave you with no cover at all.

(Of course, the opposite is true if you ever find yourself needing a permanent false identity. For example, say you ended up wanted for murder and then vanished off the face of the earth for several months, then you would certainly need a new name you could attach yourself to wholeheartedly. But any investigator worth his salt should be able to keep himself out of such dire situations.)

 

"Got a delivery here for a Mr John Lester?"

"That's me."

The poor bloke looked like he'd been through the wringer - skinny as anything, with jaundiced eyes. But he smiled brightly as he took his parcel in his right hand and signed for it with his left. Whatever it was, maybe he was on the mend. By the time the mailman finished his rounds, his name had completely slipped from his mind.