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I can do this. I have to do this.
Daniel Shepard hovered in the doorway, unable to find the strength to take that final step into the barracks, knowing that when he did, he was committed. Committed to Kaidan, a strange but comforting thought despite his nerves. His foot tapped out a rhythm against the floor, trying to calm the fear rising in his chest.
The barracks were still dark, lit only by the emergency strip that ran around the edge of the room. Most of the people who slept here were out partying or visiting family or doing whatever it was that social people did on their shore leave. He wouldn’t know. He only ever went out when his sister’s shore leave coincided with his and that was becoming increasingly rare.
His skin crawled at the memory of his last shore leave. Elysium was still recovering from the Blitz, Illyria most of all. It would take years to recover from the massive loss of life. Even now, his body wasn’t functioning at the capacity it had before the attack.
His hand brushed his abdomen, the thin shirt he wore covering the still healing wounds. The Alliance had hailed him a hero for his role in repelling the attack, but he didn’t feel like a hero. Daniel craved a quiet existence far from politics, patriotism, nepotism… but he was thrust into the spotlight whether he wanted to be in it or not.
He winced at the sharp pain the slight touch elicited, but today, it was welcome. With the pain came the realization he was alive, he was safe . That he wasn’t bleeding out in front of his best friend, that his lifetime of bad decisions hadn’t killed him-
Unable to take the suffocating quiet any longer, Daniel crossed the threshold, his steps echoing.
No sign of Kaidan. He relaxed, a sigh hovering on his lips. The relief should’ve been concerning. He came here for a reason. He had to talk to Kaidan after what’d happened on Elysium. They’d barely spoken after his near death experience, after Kaidan had patched him up. His therapist would say this was a good first step to dealing with the nightmares, the trauma, the anxiety.
The fear.
Daniel Shepard wasn’t a coward, never had been in his entire life. But with Kaidan… this was entirely new territory for him. He didn’t have feelings, not the romantic kind at least. Sex was all well and good, but combined with emotions and everything went to shit.
His parents were proof of that.
The sound of a shower being shut off alerted him to the far end of the room, light shining underneath the bathroom door.
Fuck.
He shouldn’t even be here. The doctor didn’t know he’d left the hospital wing. When she found out, he was going to be strapped down to the bed until they cleared him for duty. She was going to ring his neck. That would be a preferable death to him slowly embarrassing himself. Maybe he should jump out of the nearest airlock and get it over with already.
But his feet were frozen, thoughts flitting through his mind like a hummingbird, quick and barely coherent but one thing was burned into his brain.
The whiskey eyes that haunted him at night.
Sinking down on the closest bunk, Daniel felt the exhaustion finally set in. When he glanced at the hands in his lap, he realized they were shaking and no matter how much concentration he forced, they wouldn’t stop. He was weaker than ever and it was horrifying.
“Daniel?”
What did Kaidan see when he looked at him? The war hero? Or was it something else? Did he see the crumbling man in front of him? The overgrown beard, the unwashed hair, the sickly pallor of the bedridden? The man who couldn’t make up his fucking mind about what he wanted to do with his life and got forced into the Alliance against his will?
“You took a huge risk coming for me.”
It sounded like an accusation, it was anything but. Daniel would always be grateful for Kaidan’s quick thinking. It’d saved his life, and that of the soldiers he’d fought beside, but he wondered how many people died because Kaidan stayed to make sure he didn’t bleed to death.
Kaidan knelt before him, concern etched on his features. His hair was wet, curls tempting Daniel to reach out and card his fingers through them. Kaidan’s hand hovered in the air briefly, as if he was unsure of what to do with it. All Daniel could see, however, was his mesmerizing eyes, how worry was crinkling the corners, how his mouth turned into the beginnings of a frown.
There was something beautifully poetic about his sadness.
“I’d have been taking a huge risk not coming for you.”
Kaidan rested his hand over Daniel’s, grip solid and comforting. He let out a sharp breath, trying to find his ‘calm’ center. He didn’t know how to tell the therapist the only thing that calmed him was the man sitting here. Daniel was still coming to terms with the realization.
“What if the risk doesn’t pay off?”
Kaidan tilted his head in confusion. “You’re alive so I’d say it already has.”
“Had to save the Alliance hero. I get it.” Daniel didn’t want to let go of Kaidan, but this was too important to be distracted by the warm, soft hands of the man he…
Loved. He loved Kaidan Alenko.
“What are you trying to say, Daniel?”
“Maybe I was hoping… that you came back because it was you who needed me.That you weren’t saving me because it was your job.” Daniel pulled his hands away, using one to rub the back of his neck. God, he was bad at this. “Is that selfish of me?”
Kaidan blinked at him. Once, twice. “You think I saved you out of duty?”
He could almost feel the surprise, and the hurt, that flitted across Kaidan’s face. “I’ve never had to do this before, Kaidan. I’ve never…”
Daniel wasn’t good with words, that was one of the only things he could admit to, but with Kaidan watching him warily, he wanted to spill every dark secret, every desire, every fear his heart held. It didn’t compare to what Kaidan did for him, but it was a start. Something in his gaze must’ve betrayed him because Kaidan sighed, moving to sit on the bunk beside him.
“You’re an idiot sometimes.”
Daniel snorted, the humor in Kaidan’s tone not lost on him. “Only sometimes? Wow, what an endorsement of my finer qualities.”
Kaidan smiled, bumping his shoulder lightly. “You need to be good at something, I suppose.”
“I’m good at a lot of things. Most of those things shouldn’t be heard by innocent ears, but it doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”
“That’s debatable.”
Daniel wanted to be offended, but he couldn’t. “I came here to pour my heart out to you and you’re making fun of me .”
“You haven’t actually said anything yet.”
It was a fair point, but that meant he actually had to examine his own feelings. And those feelings scared the shit out of him.
So instead of speaking, Daniel slipped his hand into Kaidan’s, the silence stretching as he found the best way to entwine their fingers. The warmth of Kaidan’s skin was a beacon, something he clung to in the chaos of the galaxy around him. Daniel could get used to seeking comfort if it was with him . Kaidan’s gaze focused on where they touched, hands brushing legs. Then he squeezed Daniel’s hand with as much affection as he could.
“How long?” He asked, emotion almost making it impossible to get the question out.
“A while, I guess. Elysium… opened my eyes to a lot of things.” Daniel took in the sight of the man next to him, eyes still staring at their hands, but a smile was curling his lips. “You’re the only thing I’m scared of losing, Kaidan.”
“For a man who says he isn’t good at expressing himself, you say some of the prettiest things.”
He was… teasing him again.
“Excuse me, Alenko, I’ll have you know-”
Daniel was sure it was mostly to shut him up, but he liked the feeling of Kaidan’s soft lips against his. Soft pecks that turned more needy, more insistent until he opened his mouth and took everything Kaidan offered.
It was new: this heady rush of adrenaline as they kissed. Daniel had the urge from the intimacy, but at the same time, he also wanted to dive in, to drown. His heart felt like it would explode while his body vowed to melt into a puddle at Kaidan’s feet.
The scent of his soap mixed with the smell of his aftershave made a heady fragrance that Daniel memorized for later. Because he would definitely be reliving this.
When Kaidan pulled back, his hooded eyes and cocky smirk almost sent Daniel to his knees. Holy shit, if this was what kissing him was like, he was certainly a damned idiot to put it off for so long. “You were saying?”
A stupid grin broke out on his face. Running his fingers through those damp curls, he leaned forward to rub his nose against Kaidan’s. “I was talking? Funny, I can’t remember now.”
“You’re saying this is how I win all the arguments, right? Because I’ll use it to my adva-”
“Shut up and kiss me, Alenko.”
Kaidan laughed, a sound that embedded itself into his heart in that singular moment. Maybe being in love wouldn’t be as awful as he thought.
With Kaidan, he might even look forward to the future.