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Every night, Punz catches Sapnap on their small-spaced balcony. His expression is almost blank every time Punz sees it, distracted by the hues of the sky and the forever glowing stars.
It’s basic knowledge to know that Sapnap is interested in astronomy, despite majoring and working in a completely different field from that. He says he’s nothing more but only a little interested in astronomy, but everyone knows that’s a lie— or, at least Punz believes it’s a lie.
Whenever Sapnap says he’ll be going to sleep, he never sleeps. He will always be on the balcony with his face up and nowhere else. There are times where Sapnap had fallen asleep on the balcony standing, leaving Punz with no other choice but to gently carry him back to his room. Not because he wants to hold him, of course. He just doesn’t want to see his roommate potentially fall from the rails, knowing Punz had the chance to save him.
But it’s oddly a lull feeling every time he spots Sapnap wandering over each star and planet he could potentially see, analysing every shape, size, and tint as his eyes delicately flutter in the dawning night. Sapnap is usually loud with him. Punz often describes him as a small raging ball of fire. His patience is near to non-existent, relying on rage to solve even the simplest problems. That’s why in times like this, it’s almost like Sapnap is a totally different person.
It’s cute. Punz wishes to cherish every second of it.
Today is no different. Even though it’s December 31st, about to be New Years, Sapnap is still there, by the balcony. The fireworks echo in the distance, a myriad of colours outlining Sapnap’s figure.
What Punz notices about Sapnap is that he doesn’t really spend the rest of his day anywhere but their shared apartment room. Sapnap works at home, so he uses the day to stay in his room doing God knows what, and then using the night to do whatever this is. He doesn’t interact with Punz a lot. The only time he will talk to Punz is if Punz is the one who initiates the conversation. He’ll mostly ask questions about who is paying the rent next month and what to eat for breakfast. In the end, Sapnap will expand the conversation and ramble off to his own world but it would quickly end when Sapnap realises he’s speaking too much.
The walls here are thin, but Punz never hears Sapnap talk to anyone from his room or outside. Punz doesn’t want to conclude anything from that. In fact, he refuses to assume that Sapnap doesn’t have anyone to talk to. If anything, Sapnap can be famous online but rather than speaking with voice, he types through text applications to communicate with others. But that wouldn’t make sense if Sapnap is often talkative around Punz.
There’s a silent voice in him that’s telling him that he should ask Sapnap about it.
Punz never pries through somebody else’s business. But when it’s Sapnap, it’s almost like it’s a must to know, a necessity. Not because he’s curious, but mainly because he’s worried for him. Already, Sapnap looks lonely standing on the balcony by himself. He’s going to be alone for New Years. Guilt drowns his lungs into suffocation.
Punz succumbs to the urge and strolls towards him with feather-like steps.
As he pushes the door open, he is met with the wind and the warmth brushing his cool skin into the sense of nostalgia. The sounds of fireworks lighting, launching, and exploding in the sky rings in his ears. Punz swears he went deaf for a second before coming back to reality when his eyes land on Sapnap’s.
“Punz?” Innocent auroras of jade stares at him deep. Questions are drawn by the patterns of Sapnap’s clueless eyes. Punz shuts the door behind him and rests his hand on the white metal railings. “What are you doing here?”
“What? Am I not allowed to be here? Am I intruding on your alone time?” Punz asks with a short tone of tease, but he leaves a hint of seriousness as he genuinely means true.
“Yes, you are.” Sapnap says sarcastically, making Punz roll his eyes and smile from the other’s antics. “I’m joking. No you’re not. You can stay if you want. I don’t really care.” With a breathy huff, Sapnap sinks himself onto the railings. His body is short enough to rest his chin on the metal without bending himself far.
Sapnap is now staring back at the night sky again, ripping his sight away from Punz. His eyes continue to linger over the celestial bodies that are light years away and clouded by the sparks of fireworks. Punz wonders why he’s so determined to look at the stars. It’s like if he blinks, the stars will fade out of existence without warning.
Punz follows his thoughts. Perhaps, if he stares at the stars for long enough, he’ll understand the beauty and power the stars hold. After minutes of looking, stares shift into glares. Punz prefers to see Sapnap, not the stars. Not only that, but the fireworks are vile and distracting. He can’t focus at all.
Thus, he breaks the silence. “What are you looking at?”
“I dunno. What do you think?” Sapnap asks. Though it means no harm as it’s only your friendly banter, Punz can’t help but to glance at Sapnap if he was actually angry. It’s unexpected when he sees Sapnap look almost expressionless; bored. As if he’s pondering through every moment of his life and questions whether the path he has taken is right. “I’m looking at the stars. It’s weird, y’know? You can see them even though this city is covered with lights.”
“Ah.” Punz nods.
“It’s so strange.” Sapnap settles his cheek onto his palm, eyes drooping in soft motions. “Most people say that they can’t see the stars at all. But I can. What about you? Can you see the stars?”
“Yeah, I can,” Punz answers quickly— too quickly in fact that Punz wishes to retract his words despite not having anything else to say.
“There’s not a lot of them, but it’s still more than usual.” Sapnap flickers his jade eyes towards Punz, the reflection of stars and fireworks glistening green. Punz gazes at every area of those eyes as if something new will reveal if he stares long enough. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
You’re beautiful. Punz fights through his thoughts and bites his tongue before those words can leave his mouth. But instead of saying anything, his thoughts vanish from the tip of his tongue. Punz parts his jaw, but since he can’t formulate an answer, it only stands agape.
Sapnap pouts when there is no answer given. He sinks deeper into his hands before facing back to the sky again. “Are you just going to be here with me all night? Don’t you have friends to hang out with?”
“Uh.” Punz is taken aback by Sapnap’s words. “I do, but I want to hang out with you.”
“Why me?”
Just for a second, fireworks stay stagnant on the ground. Only the wind sounds against their ears. There isn’t a solid reason why Punz wants to hang out with Sapnap. Perhaps, it’s because he likes him. Perhaps, it’s the guilt of seeing him alone. Perhaps, it’s a mix of two. But admitting either one will be embarrassing. “Why not? What about you? Don’t you have friends to be with or are you just going to be here all night?”
Sadness flashes in Sapnap’s eyes. Sapnap frowns, tilting his head to the side so Punz gets a lesser view of his face. “I do have friends. I have many friends.” He readjusts his posture and stretches his arms. “I met three friends today, actually. There’s Rigel, Capella, Sirius…”
“Oh.” Punz didn’t expect anything from Sapnap. He thought Sapnap would ignore him and instead be fixed on the stars. But knowing him, there will always be sarcasm behind everything, no matter how painful it is.
“Actually, I don’t have friends.”
“Huh?”
“You heard what I said.” Punz can see Sapnap’s face coloured with red, tinted with bleeding roses, full of shame and embarrassment as he wishes to melt into the floor. “I know it’s weird. We’ve been roommates for months now, and you don’t even know I don’t have friends. It’s my fault though. I don’t even speak to you unless you’re the one who starts the conversation.
“At least I have the stars, I think. But they go away eventually. Did you know that space is slowly distancing us from the stars?” Sapnap’s attempt in changing the subject fails when Punz continues to stare at him. The stare isn’t meant to be judgeful. It is just a bit of shock. However, seeing Sapnap refuse to make eye contact says otherwise. “I’ll miss them.”
Punz would never suspect that from Sapnap, especially when he’s loud, enjoys rambling around Punz, etcetera. But Sapnap’s right. Despite being roommates, all Punz knows about Sapnap is that he works at home from day to night and uses the rest of his time for himself.
The sadness is already painful to look at. Punz has never wanted to look away from Sapnap to something less. “You know I’m your friend, right?” Punz asks impulsively, though he cringes once he thinks back at what he said. But Sapnap looking at him with a small glint of hope in his eyes coaxes him to speak more. “I know you don’t talk a lot, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like you’re committing a crime against me. Though, maybe if you talk more, that’d be nice. But, do it on your own pace.”
“I guess you’re right. But, I don’t know what to say.”
“You can ask me a question; something you’ve been thinking about. Like, before, you asked what are you doing here. That’s a start, kinda.” Punz didn’t mean to make his voice high pitched in the end. It sounded like Punz was making fun of Sapnap in a way. But it passes his brain either way.
Sapnap scoffs. “Why are you mocking me? It was a necessary question.”
Punz smiles. “It’s cute.”
“What?”
“What?” Punz asks, only to realise what he said. He tries to ignore the fact that his face is extremely hot, probably redder than it has ever been. Instead of coming up with an excuse, he spews out words unprompted. “I was being honest.”
“Oh,” Sapnap clears his throat, fiddling with his fingers as it hangs over the railings. “...Thank you.”
Punz never spoke to anyone without thinking beforehand. He leaves himself to think rather than responding without a second thought. But Sapnap makes him different. He makes him feel different. He’s a star that can only be computed by something divine. Punz isn’t divine. He’s just a guy. A random guy that happens to live on earth.
At least Sapnap took the compliment well. He even made him flustered. Something satisfying sparks in Punz’s chest. There is a mumble in his mind that says that he may have a chance somewhere. But that’s just his mind.
The time ticks and there hasn’t been a second where fireworks would stop bursting in the sky. It blinds the sight to the stars, and Punz can tell Sapnap is annoyed by looking at his slouched expression. It’s almost like he doesn’t want to be here anymore— which makes sense. He didn’t come here for the fireworks and the thing he came here for has overpowered it. A small part of Punz believes him being here is also one of the reasons for his frustration.
The flashes of fireworks brightens Sapnap’s watch. A quick glance at it and Punz sees the time. 11:55. Punz almost announces it, but he knows Sapnap already knew with his quick flickers to his watch.
“Hey, Punz?” The question almost scared Punz. The way Sapnap’s voice is so sudden— so cautious. Sapnap is pulling every word he strings into care. Punz hums as a response. “You haven’t answered my question.”
“Which question?” Punz asks. Sapnap glares at him for a moment, and Punz’s heart sinks deep. His look softens after a second’s passing, only for Punz to rewind through his head. “You mean the stars?”
“Yeah.” Sapnap nods. His voice is too low to be heard with the fireworks at the back of all ears. “I think people found it weird how I talk about stars a lot.”
“I don’t think it’s weird,” Punz reassures. “I think you’re right. The stars are beautiful. Especially at moments like this.”
Sapnap stares at him as if he anticipated something different to happen. “Do you ever look up at the stars like this?”
Punz chuckles at the seemingly random question. “No. I did when I was younger, but that was almost fifteen years ago.”
Sapnap whoas. As much as Punz wants to exaggerate, it’s true. Punz wishes he could see the stars like this forever, but he has a busy life. Not that he can see the stars anyway. Whenever Punz wants to look at the stars for whatever reason, Punz would always end up looking at nothing but a blank navy-blue colour swallowing skies.
“Oh!” Sapnap snaps his fingers. “What if we watch the stars together at night?” Sapnap asks with a big smile spread across his lips. Punz is about to respond until he sees Sapnap’s face flutter to pink, face shying away from Punz’s look. “But— but, not every night. Like, once a week or so...”
A small smile falls upon Punz’s lips. Stargazing with Sapnap once a week sounds like paradise to Punz. He will never say no to that. “I’ll watch the stars with you whenever you want me to, Sap.”
Sapnap gasps. “Really?”
“Of course.”
Punz is about to look back at the stars—or at least try to—until he glances at Sapnap who’s watching him attentively, more focused on him than he would be. It’s like he’s waiting for Punz to say he’s lying, and that he’ll never look at the stars with Sapnap. Though in reality, none is true.
Punz keeps his silence, until Sapnap speaks.
“I think I wanna kiss you right now. Is that weird?”
Sapnap has always been blunt. Sometimes, he’d hide his genuine words behind a wall of jests. But those words still took Punz off-guard. He tries his best to respond with a no.
“Then, can I kiss you?”
Sapnap steps closer. Minutes ago, Punz would believe he was dreaming if Sapnap was the one bold enough to ask first. But then again, who knows what lies behind the barrier between him and his heart. Now, Sapnap’s hand is on his, with their chests so close, one can say there’s no gap in between. Breath against breath, Punz processes the question, and answers.
“Yes.”
Thus, Sapnap leans closer, eyelids shutting as their lips connect without half. The loud fireworks by Punz’s ears deafens as the only thing he can hear at this moment is his own rapid heartbeat and the air around him warming his skin. Despite Sapnap being absolutely truthful and gentle with his movements, Punz is still in shock, frozen, eyes opened wide. But slowly does he melt into the feeling, the home-like sensation blooming from the moment.
When Punz tries to kiss back, he can’t tell whether he actually did; his body and brain refuse to function. Every part of his being is being pierced by Sapnap’s touch and every beat of his heart overwhelms him. That is, until the love fades away with Sapnap warily pulling back from the kiss.
Punz blinks for a few seconds, eyes failing to focus through the blur of his sight. All he can see is the green in Sapnap’s eyes.
The kiss felt way too fast.
“Punz?” Sapnap’s breaths are hasty, and so is Punz’s. His face is red, perhaps warming to the touch.
“Yeah?”
“I— you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay. You?”
“I’m okay. Actually, I think I feel better than okay.” Sapnap’s face gleams as a smile curves by his lips. “Are you... feeling more than okay too?”
“Definitely.” Punz holds Sapnap’s cheek on his palm, caressing his thumb over his cheekbone. Punz doesn’t even realise he’s doing this until Sapnap leans into his hand, humming into the beat of the wind. It’s softer than it looks, and Sapnap fits perfectly on his grasp like this.
Screams and shouts of content and celebration reverberates through the building. It pulls Punz and Sapnap’s attention away as they peek down from the rails. A group of people are yelling happy new years at the top of their lungs, and laughter follows after, along with more fireworks bursting in the sky, creating different shapes and patterns for the world to see.
“I can't believe it's the new year,” Sapnap says, now realising everything that’s happening by his sight.
“I thought you didn’t care.” And in all honesty, Punz doesn’t care about it either.
“I never said that.” Sapnap says matter-of-factly.
A hum of sarcasm, Punz can barely focus on their conversation. Instead, he reaches out to stroke his thumb on Sapnap’s jaw, taking in and memorising the pattern of his stubble, before moving his thumb to his lips, afraid that he might shatter the delicacy on his fingertips. The other hand slides onto Sapnap’s free hand, wrapping itself around its palm, not wishing to let Sapnap go.
He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He doesn’t know whether he’s doing it right or whether he’s doing it wrong. He doesn’t know if Sapnap feels as enamoured as he is. The only thing he can know is by words.
“Kiss me again.”
As they kiss again, it’s more of a supernova. An explosion of a star into something powerful and destructive, radiant and lustrous. A glow of blue and orange, pink and purples. A halo creating and desolating all within its vicinity.
Punz is craving for this, and he believes Sapnap does too. Hopefully.
They separate when they don’t want to. They pull apart when they want more.
Yet Sapnap smiles, and Punz naturally smiles back. Sapnap takes Punz’s hand that’s once on his face before bringing it down away from his face, but close to his heart.
“So,” Punz starts. “Are… we boyfriends?”
“Is that the only thing you care about?” Sapnap huffs, grinning, though Punz knows that’s what Sapnap’s been thinking about as well. “We… can be boyfriends. But, I think I still need time to think about some things if that’s okay.”
“Of course.” Punz gives a small peck on the other’s forehead. “I’ll wait for you.”
“For now, let’s just—” bask in the moment. Sapnap cuts himself off as he hides his face in Punz’s chest, holding both of Punz’s hand and pulling him closer as if he isn’t already close enough.
Every night, Punz catches Sapnap on their small-spaced balcony. Now, Punz can be there by Sapnap’s side every night as they watch the stars together.