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The first person who finds me is the last person I expect to do so. Once again I’ve retreated to the highest ground I can find, this time amidst the rising spires of Foundation, as high in the Pillars as the citizens are allowed to go. Nobody’s out this time of night, which makes my being discovered even more surprising. It had been just me and the falling snow, and the tears which have frozen to my lashes like crystals.
He stops and stands next to me, resting gloved hands on the snow-covered railing in front of us, face tipped upward to the darkened sky. Even in the darkness, his ink-black hair still manages to find what little light there is to be had and reflect it, shining slightly as it always seems to. It curls softly at his ears and the nape of his neck, shorter than I’d thought when I first met him. Ser Aymeric, Lord Commander of the Temple Knights, is my companion this night- and he should absolutely not be out of bed.
When I point this out to him, he glances at me with a faint smile. “You are probably right,” he agrees, “but it was stare at the four walls of my bedroom or come out here and breathe the fresh air…” He trails off, but I can finish that sentence for him, as it’s what I’m busy doing.
And mourn in peace.
I don’t mind his presence. I look at him for a long moment before turning my attention back to the vast landscape beyond. The view is beautiful, despite the desolate atmosphere, and I find it oddly soothing. The falling snow reminds me of Haurchefant’s good-natured quip about our potential new headquarters, so named for weather exactly like this.
“I am sorry,” he finally says quietly, and when I look at him I am startled. His head is bowed, eyes closed tight. Why is he apologizing? Does he really think it’s his fault? I open my mouth to ask, but then he looks at me and my mouth snaps shut.
He knows.
I look at him for a long moment before shaking my head slightly and looking back out over the city. I don’t particularly see it, however. What I see is Aymeric cradling Haurchefant’s body long after the light has left his eyes. I don’t blame Aymeric for his death, however- and anyone who dares to do so in my hearing will get a verbal lashing the like of which they’ve never had nor expected, least of all from me. “He didn’t die because of you,” I say quietly.
He shifts a little, armor chiming quietly in the still night air. “Nor because of you,” he finally says, though we both know that is a lie- or, at least, a half-truth that can’t survive on its own without either of us believing in it.
Yet, as I study him, I find myself nodding slowly in agreement. Haurchefant had died to save my life, but he had not died because of me. That is a large difference in occurrence, and even though I’m not entirely sure I believe it, it soothes just a bit of the ache in my chest. Nothing will make it disappear, however, I know that well enough. I turn back toward the void and close my eyes, trying not to picture simply leaping over the edge and making an end. That would be the last thing he’d want, and it would make his sacrifice for nothing- and that, if for no other reason, is why I will push forward until my own death.
We are quiet for a long while, long enough that I begin to become concerned for Aymeric, whose wounds are severe. I look at him again and find that, like me, he has crystals frozen to his lashes, and his blue eyes gaze into the distance without seeing anything. He seems to realize I’m watching him, however, and he exhales and bows his head. “You are worried about me,” he observes, and though he doesn’t see it, I nod. He seems to know regardless. “I can’t bring myself to go back inside, though I know standing out here like this is foolish of me. Somehow, if I’m out here, it all seems… less immediate.”
I remember Haurchefant telling me that Aymeric had considered him family, and I realize that in a way, he has lost a brother. Along with that, his father had imprisoned him, ordered him tortured, and eventually left him for dead. I can’t blame him for wanting to distance himself from all of it, though I’m not entirely sure that being out here with me is the best way to do so. I do, and likely always will, serve as a reminder, after all. I study him for a moment before cautiously reaching out and touching his hand. He’s armored, as am I, so it’s more a gesture to be seen than felt- and I see him clench his jaw and bow his head further.
I say nothing. There’s nothing I can say that will take any of his pain away- nor my own, which feels like the same jagged wound that had killed the man I love. Tonight seems impossible and tomorrow even more so, but experience tells me that the sun will rise and will continue to do so as it always had, and perhaps when it’s happened enough times, we’ll be able to look at it and be thankful that we’re alive. That moment, I fear, is a long way off.
Finally, his strength gives out, and I help him back to Fortemps Manor. I assume he wants to go there for many reasons, but mostly to continue hiding for just a little while longer. Being strong for him means I do not have to worry about being strong for myself, and so I choose to focus on that, one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time.
When he is resting in bed- the one I’ve been using, but I doubt I’ll be sleeping any time soon- he looks at me with a faint smile. “Thank you, my friend,” he says quietly. “Hopefully this most recent bout of foolishness won’t cause me more damage.”
My lips twitch a bit in what might be a smile, if he looks closely enough. “If it does,” I say quietly, “we’ll get through that as well.”
He nods and closes his eyes, then opens them again and stares up at the ceiling. “Forgive me, for… prying,” he finally says, though that isn’t really the word he’s looking for, nor is it the word I’d choose. I know what he’s apologizing for, and if the information had been freely given- which, knowing Haurchefant, it had- there was no reason for it. He smiles a little bit again and shakes his head. “He came to visit me not terribly long ago, waxing poetic about love and the world being light and all manner of things that led me to wonder if he’d suffered a head injury.”
I can’t help it- I snort a little, a tiny laugh that barely dares rear its head. I can see that, I think, sadly amused. I’m certain he was ridiculous about it.
Aymeric glances at me, blue eyes seeming a bit lighter. “He never told me who it was. I ascertained that on my own just from watching him as he watched you. His fondness for you was truly something to behold.”
I color a little and shift my weight. I hadn’t really wanted the world to know, though I’m hardly ashamed- it’s more that I wanted this tiny flame to be mine alone, to stay hidden from the world. I have to share and give so much else of myself, and that was something I didn’t want to be seen. I can’t blame him, though, regardless- I never could do such a thing. Instead of worrying on it, I focus on Aymeric and nod slightly.
He smiles and closes his eyes. “It’s good that you were there with him at the end,” he says, his voice barely audible. “I know- everyone there knows- that it meant the world to him to give his life for yours, and not only that… that you smiled for him when he asked you to.”
I say nothing, only bow my head. He’d always thought I should be smiling, and I’d always been glad to do so for him- it only seemed right that, when that was the last thing he asked of me, I complied. My expression had crumpled as soon as his hand had gone limp in mine, and at that moment I didn’t really care who saw me cry. Tears burn the inside of my eyelids again and I rise quickly, then pause before turning away and setting up a nest of blankets and pillows on the floor. I’d wanted to be alone before, but it’s the very last thing I want now. With Aymeric nearby, at least if I wake sobbing, I won’t be alone… and having someone who knew, I’m finding, is more of a comfort than I’d thought it would be.
I turn to make sure the door is closed and something unexpected catches my attention. I slowly walk to the door and reach out, touching the soft fabric that hangs from the hook on the back. It’s Haurchefant’s cloak, the same one he’d draped over my shoulders when he’d found me looking at the sky at Camp Dragonhead. He’d been wearing it since coming here, of course, as the cold is crippling- and it seems he left it behind. I close my eyes again, then take it off the hook and wrap myself in it before retreating back to my nest. I breathe in deeply and hold my breath for a few heartbeats, then slowly let it out. The cloak smells like him, of course, and though I know it will fade in time I’ve no intention of letting it out of my sight. It was his, and it’s a link to him, and even though it seems childish, that’s something I desperately need.
It’s harder not to remember in the darkness, but I force my mind to pleasant memories as opposed to the day’s events. I choose to remember his smile when he’d see me walk into Camp Dragonhead after a long absence as opposed to the sad, blood-stained curve of his lips as he was dying. I choose to remember the way he’d sweep me into a hug when nobody was around instead of the way he held his hand out- the only way, then, that the could do the same. I choose to remember his pale blue eyes lighting with laughter and good humor as opposed to fading and falling shut for the last time.
The last time.
I somehow manage to make it another few minutes before the tears come, and the tears turn into sobs that I can barely contain as I curl into a tight ball. I manage, sort of, until a squeak comes out, then another… and then I’m aware of someone settling down behind me, a gentle hand rubbing my arm. Perhaps it’s selfish of me to need someone else there, but Aymeric is the only one who knows, the only one who understands, and so I let myself uncurl just a little and grieve, knowing that my grief is shared.
When I finally fall asleep, I dream that Haurchefant and I are standing on top of Camp Dragonhead, looking up at the stars. He smiles at me and brushes a kiss against my cheek, then winds his arms around me and holds me close.
“I told you I’d never leave you, didn’t I?” he asks, his voice gently chiding. “Did you believe such things were impossible?”
I shake my head. It isn’t so much that I believed it impossible as that I wasn’t sure I was worth it, not after what happened to him.
“Don’t think that.” He holds me tighter, and I lean into him. I hadn’t spoken out loud, so how had he known? He chuckles quietly. “You don’t have to speak out loud,” he replies teasingly. “I can hear you either way, now.”
I draw back just a bit and stare up at him. He is amused, and I sigh before resting my head against his shoulder again. I don’t know what I want to say, now that I have the chance… I’m sorry? Should I apologize? My throat feels tight when I try to say anything.
He gently runs a hand up and down my back, his fingertips gliding along my spine, and I start when I realize that we are not armored- we’re just wearing soft shirts and trousers, meant for sleeping in. “Don’t cry, my love,” he says quietly. “I don’t ever want that.”
I shake my head slightly. How can I not? How can I be strong and keep going when he’s dead, when I’ll never see him again?
“You’ll see me right here,” he murmurs. “I’ll be here when you need me, and when it’s your time, I’ll take you with me- we’ll go together, and I won’t leave a moment sooner. I promise on all that is holy.”
I wonder if I really can be that selfish. I close my eyes tightly and then shake my head, looking up at him again. He’s earned his rest… he shouldn’t have to stay, not for me. Not for this.
He smiles and cups my face in his hands, leans down and gives me a long, warm kiss. “You can’t talk me out of it,” he whispers, and I feel his breath warm against my lips as he speaks. “I’m staying, my stubborn one, and that’s that.” His eyes gaze into mine, and I am captivated. “There are a lot of things I love about you, you know,” he muses. “I love your smile and your laugh- and your voice, when you choose to speak. I love how you can be shy and stubborn-“ He stops and winks- “and how determined, how fierce, how brave you are. Mostly, though- and selfishly, I realize- I love how you love me. All of those reasons are why I’m staying with you, but mostly, because I love you. In this way, we truly can have forever.”
I nod and grip him tighter, and whisper “I love you” as though it will bring him back to life. I stay in his arms until I feel myself drifting off, and I hold on tighter- but everything fades out, and all that’s left is that warmth, that reassurance. That, I think, will have to be enough.
When I wake I realize I am being held, and I blink, confused. I turn my head a bit and find Aymeric still behind me, one arm draped around me. Though he’s still sleeping there are tear tracks on his face, and mine as well, I imagine… and I let my breath out in a shaky sigh before looking at the wall and smiling a little. It isn’t exactly how I’d figure it would work out, but still, forever is forever… and that’s something to hold on to. Everything else will come as it may, but knowing- and believing, with all my heart, that he’s still with me- will give me the strength to continue forward.
I won’t walk alone.
I won’t fight alone.
No matter what… I won’t be alone.