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When it happened the world went quiet.
He was dead. At eighteen, Regulus Black was dead. Sirius found out on a random Monday in November and from the Daily Prophet of all things. His little brother was dead and he couldn’t breathe.
In and out.
Sirius was alone. Standing in the middle of his flat clutching the newspaper. He felt as if the harder he held on to it, the higher the probability of getting his brother back. Why Regulus? Sirius thought. Anyone but Regulus. Sirius hated him, but he loved him. He would’ve given him the world. For all the wrong Regulus did, all the crooked paths he chose to take, and all the people he betrayed, Sirius still loves him. He would choose him. Unconditionally and forever.
Sirius looked to the ceiling and choked as the tears fell. It was like there was water filling his lungs. He couldn’t do this alone. He can’t. Not without Regulus. Even if they haven’t spoken in years, Regulus was still there, alive. Safe. He’s gone and Sirius failed at the job he had. To protect him. To keep him away from the grips of harm.
When they were younger they had plans. They wanted to explore all the wonders of the world together. But Regulus wanted to see one more than the rest. He never told Sirius, but Regulus would get this little glint in his eyes when he spoke about it. Niagara Falls. He would go for hours talking about its waterfalls and how he loved the way it looked at the bottom. He said it looked like the water was sparkling. He said it was magic. He never got to see it.
In and out.
His grip went slack on the newspaper and it fluttered to the floor. Sirius covered his eyes with his hands as he sobbed in sadness and anger. The stupid little idiot went and got himself killed. How could Regulus do this to him? To leave him alone after everything Sirius did for him. For Regulus to turn his back on his own brother. For him to choose the ‘safe’ side and still get killed.
Sirius tried to get Regulus to come with him. The night he ran to James; he pleaded with Regulus to just come with him and everything would be okay. Sirius could remember the aftereffects of the Cruciatus Curse as he begged.
“Just come with me,” Sirius pulled at Regulus's wrist. “If you come with we could finally be happy.”
Regulus jerked out of Sirius’ grip. “No,” he stared at Sirius. “Don’t you get it? If I leave we’ll both be dead.”
“So what? You’ll just sign your life away to them?” Sirius huffed at him in disbelief and Regulus looked away. He always never could look Sirius in the eye when Regulus was going to do something stupid.
“You don’t understand, you’ll never understand,” Regulus said, he sounded worn out.
Sirius started getting angry, “You’re a coward and you always have been.”
“Maybe, but at least I'll be safe.”
And with that, Sirius left.
He should’ve done more. He should’ve looked back. He should’ve grabbed Regulus. He should’ve forced him to come kicking and screaming. Sirius should’ve done a lot more. If Sirius did what he should’ve done, they would’ve had forever together. Regulus would’ve been furious at him, but at least he would’ve been safe.
Sirius uncovered his face and looked around. Everything was the same as it had been before he found out. The bookshelf is still a mess because Remus throws his books there when he’s done and refuses to organize them. The records scattered across the table because he needed to find the perfect song to ‘fit the mood’. And the coffee rings on the table because they both forgot to clean them off. Everything was the same, but Regulus was dead. All those small things didn’t matter because he never got to show Regulus his favorite records. It doesn’t matter because he never got to teach Regulus how to breathe. It doesn’t matter because he never took Regulus to see Niagara Falls.
In and out.
Sirius’ eyes caught onto the window and he walked up to it. He gripped the edges of the window. It should be raining, and the city should look like it was deserted. The passersby should have scowls painted on their faces because the water was soaking their socks. But it was sunny and people on the street were smiling as they went into shops. Regulus was dead and it was sunny. Because the world didn’t care if one out of a billion was dead. It didn’t care if it was a mum, dad, sibling, or child. The world will keep turning and it won’t stop because the person you love the most is gone.
Sound faded back in tune when Sirius heard the door unlock and open.
“Padfoot?” Remus called. Sirius kept staring out the window as he heard the footsteps that were getting closer stop. “Sirius?” He listened to the sound of Remus picking up the newspaper off the floor.
It went quiet again and Sirius couldn’t take the silence. “He-” Sirius choked. He forgot about the water in his lungs. “He never got to see Niagara Falls,” He let go of his grip and turned to Remus.
That’s when it all broke. Sirius’ knees buckled and starts falling to the floor knowing Remus will be there to catch him. Remus will always catch him. He slowly brings them down to the floor when Remus realizes that Sirius’ legs won’t stabilize. Sirius climbed into Remus’ lap and buried his head into the place where his neck meets his shoulder. Sirius held on to Remus like if he let go Remus would be dead too. He kissed Sirius’ head and stroked his hair while he cried.
Regulus couldn’t be dead. He just couldn’t. The world would be gray and bleak with him. Regulus dying meant the world wasn’t turning. Regulus dying meant plants were rotted. It means that the waterfalls would be dried out. But flowers still bloomed. The days turned into nights. Waterfalls still sparkled. Everything was the same and also nothing was. Because Regulus was dead.
It was like the grief came in all directions. The different wavelengths cross rapidly over each other. The anguish came loud like someone turning the volume up on a stereo.
As time went on the water subsided from his lungs. At times he did find it hard to breathe without Regulus there, but he kept on. The stereo still sounded strange. It would never be the same.
It wasn’t until years later that Sirius actually went to Niagara Falls. The water really did sparkle.
In and out.