Chapter Text
It was an unnecessary battle, no one in Camelot really wanted to fight in it.
One of the kingdoms which shared border with Camelot had had a traumatized hot-heated young boy rise to the power after his parents had died in a rogue attack. When they heard about it, Merlin and Arthur had drunk for his horrible destiny pitying the boy. But they both had also feared coming, both knowing the boy wasn't ready to carry the burden of a king on his shoulders. When Arthur had been made a king, he had been barely ready for it. And this was a sheltered kid years younger than him, who had just lost both his parents.
So, it wasn't really a surprise to anyone when he started to make demands against Camelot. For the few first ones Arthur gave in as "a gift for the new king", but in the evenings when it was just him and Merlin, Arthur writing documents and Merlin doing everything what servants do, he confessed to Merlin he was trying to avoid a war. It was easier and better to pay bit more customs when trading with the boy's kingdom, than start a war about it and get too many people killed. Not that Arthur would have had to even explain it to Merlin because he already knew it. Like he knew almost everything going through his king's head just by following flicker of his eyes and deepening wrinkles in his forehead. Merlin knew Arthur.
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"It's not your fault", Merlin said when he helped Arthur into his armor. Arthur hadn't said anything, but Merlin knew.
"You couldn't give him Camelot's lands and people, you know that. It's not your fault it has come to this." Merlin kept going.
"But all this is so unnecessary", Arthur sighed, his gaze swept around buzzling of the soldiers and knights readying themselves for the battle. Merlin's gaze followed his. Who would know whose family would hear devastating news in the near future? Merlin couldn't think about it and therefore he concentrated on Arthur.
"It is, but your men know you have done everything to stop it from happening. We have done everything, but sometimes it's just not enough and that's not your fault. You are a just king Arthur, everyone knows that."
Everyone except you, Merlin though while he tied the last part of the armor. Arthur was looking at him with soft eyes.
"What would I do without you Merlin", he spoke warmly, his tone engraving itself to Merlin's heart. These were dangerous feelings, Merlin knew it.
"Not much, you can't even dress yourself, you prat", Merlin laughed and tried to dodge Arthur's arm which shot up to slap his head. Slap echoed for a moment in the tent.
"Stay here", Arthur commanded him before he took a deep breath and started walking towards his soldiers.
"Good luck Arthur!" Merlin shouted after him.
Of course, Merlin didn't stay in the temporally tent village. He fetched himself basic armor and a sword. It always suprised him how the swords and armor had become almost light to handle. When he came to Camelot many years ago, they had been heavy and clumsy, but now they felt like they belonged with him, almost. A few years ago, Arthur had started to train him in the basics, after one particularly near miss with some rogues. Merlin had a scar in his side as a reminder of that. Arthur had fussed over him like a mother hen then but wouldn't admit it afterwards. Weekly practices still became part of Merlin's duties.
And those practices weren't for nothing now, as Merlin fling his sword in the middle of writhing mass of fighting soldiers. He dodged, yielded, and crashed his sword against enemy ones. He tried to get close to Arthur, without getting too close. It was hard and he had seen him only once fighting with all of his strength and beauty. Merlin had felt a surge of pride for that second he could spare to watch him.
At the moment Merlin didn't know where Arthur was and it distressed him. There were too many enemy soldiers he had to mind for sparing much effort for finding him. All his strength went to fighting. Dodge, fling, yield, fling, don't fall, yield. It was all just a cruel dance where there was death or injuries as a punishment for mistakes. Merlin hated it but kept going.
Suddenly Merlin sensed a flicker in the air and in an instant everyone's weapons dropped to the ground. Magic. Merlin felt his feet getting heavy and hard to lift, like his shoes were nailed to the ground. It wasn't just Merlin, everyone struggled to move.
"Hear me soldiers of Camelot!" There was suddenly a boom of voice, magically amplified.
"I have your king, the reason why you have had to spill blood", the voice was hard and obnoxious. Merlin disliked it instantly, but he didn't have time to think about it. They had Arthur. Arthur was in danger. He started frantically to drag himself towards the voice. Every step was slow, too slow. Merlin's magic had been suppressed too, he couldn't free himself. All he could do was to pull his feet step after step from the ground trying to get to Arthur. It was too slow, he knew it. But he couldn't stop trying.
"We asked for just a slice of land for our people to feed from, to build homes and raise families. But instead, your king wanted war", The voice kept going. Merlin kept going.
"Look at you now, blood stains your hands, all for a tiny slice of land. It's not fair."
“You are not fair”, Merlin thought biting his teeth together from the strain of moving. His strength was withering away with each impossible step. He felt tears of frustration gathering into his eyes.
"So now he must pay. His blood will spill all over you as a payment for his wrongs. And then we will unify, there won't be we and you anymore, there will be only us, and no need for spilling blood!"
Merlin's blood run cold. He was going to be too late. There was a loud gasp when a body rose to the air a few rows of soldiers ahead of Merlin. It was Arthur, who looked like he was being raised by an invisible stretcher. He tried to wiggle a little but could not move much. When he was high enough for everyone to see, his stopped to hover in place above all of their heads.
Next his sword, Excalibur, rose next to him, then higher to hover over him. It started to rotate slowly, finally it's blade pointing straight to Arthur's chest.
Merlin was a mess. He knew he wouldn't make it to the sorcerer in time. He wouldn't make it to Arthur in time. In panic he searched for his magic, trying to get that familiar feeling of tingling to his fingertips. The magic was inside of him like always, but he couldn't get it out. Please, please, Merlin begged it, don't betray me now. He kept his eyes on Arthur and saw how he tried to wiggle, how his face was pale as sheets when he stared into the point of his own sword, soon to impale him. Merlin knew it all, he knew Arthur would think he was betraying his people by dying, how he was afraid for his people who would be ruled by merciless kid after his death. Merlin knew it, he knew Arthur. His stupid royal and just king. His stupid self-sacrificing idiot, who annoyed him, who joked with him. Who watched him with soft eyes and set Merlin's heart to blaze.
Merlin fought against the magic chaining his own. The sorcerer was strong. Really strong. Merlin tried and tried, he cursed and cried, but nothing happened. He felt his magic and fear tightening his chest like a rising pressure.
"Now it's time for Arthur Pendragon to pay", The voice boomed. Excalibur dropped.
Merlin's heart skipped a beat. He couldn't let Arthur die. He couldn't fail. He couldn't live without him. "What would I do without you." Arthur had asked, but the real question was what Merlin would do without Arthur. Nothing. He would be nothing. His love for Arthur was all he was, Arthur was the reason for his existence. Arthur's touches, his soft eyes, his fairness, all his annoying habits. Merlin couldn't imagine the world without them. Life without them. He loved Arthur and now he was dying. This couldn't happen. No, Merlin couldn't watch it, he wouldn't survive without Arthur. No, no... He had to stop this.
"NO!" Merlin's scream was awful. His heart broke, and his magic exploded out. It wasn't soothing gold like it usually was, it was all black agony, torturing agony of breaking heart and crushing dreams.
Everyone around him collapsed. They were dead, Merlin knew it instantly but didn't care. All he cared was that Excalibur exploded just before hitting Arthur's chest. Merlin started to run, Arthur started to fall.
Merlin didn't remember how he did it, how it was possible, but he managed to catch Arthur before he slammed to the ground. Arthur was lifeless, Merlin's magic had hit him too.
"Arthur, Arthur!" Merlin sobbed as he held his king. Could he have killed him too? Merlin's tears dropped to Arthur's cheek, Arthur flinched a little but didn't wake. Merlin remembered how to breathe. Arthur was alive. Merlin was flooded with relief.
Then Merlin raised his gaze and finally understood what he had done. There were hundreds of soldiers, both Camelot and enemy, lying dead in the ground forming a circle around them. Soldiers outside the death radius were frozen in place and Merlin didn't care about them. But all the dead. Hundreds of people dead because of him. Hundreds of families losing a son, a father, a husband. Losing the provider of the family. How would they cope? And all that because of him. How could he have done that? Magic was supposed to be good, he was supposed to be good. And now he saw only destruction. So many lost lives because of him.
"M-merlin?" Arthur's voice was weak, his eyes barely open.
"I'm here Arthur", Merlin answered. Arthur opened his eyes and tried to sit up. Merlin helped him. When sitting, Arthur looked around them.
"You did this?" He asked and Merlin couldn't make out his tone. Was it scared? Was it accusatory? Was it just questioning?
"I'm sorry", Merlin cried, "I-I have magic, I wanted to tell you, but there never was a right moment. And now it's too late. I'm so sorry Arthur, I always only used it only for you, except now. Now I used it for myself and look at what happened..." Merlin hiccupped.
"...I thought only myself and how I couldn't lose you. I did all of this because I was too selfish to let you go. And look, that killed so many innocent people" Merlin rose to his feet. Arthur looked at him with pleading eyes. Pleading him to go away. Merlin knew Arthur.
"I didn't think Gwen, or Camelot or fucking Albion! Just myself!" Merlin was crying, snot and tears ran down his face, his hands shaking.
"I have to go, I'm too dangerous when I'm with you. And this is easier for you too. You don't need to make pyre for me. I'll leave and I won't be coming back, don't worry about it."
It pained him to turn his back to Arthur. It hurt so much, but he had to do it. It was his punishment. He loved and needed him so much that he had let it become a destroying force. He couldn't be trusted near anyone he loved. It was better that he would go, be alone somewhere where he couldn't hurt anyone. He started to walk away.
"Merlin! Don't you dare to leave", Arthur's command rang behind him. Merlin stopped and turned. He was weak. He walked back to Arthur who was standing now.
Arthur was stoic, Merlin was crying. Tears spread between their lips as Merlin kissed Arthur tenderly. He was so weak, this would be part of his punishment. To know how it felt, knowing there would never be more. To remember and yearn but never get it.
"Goodbye Arthur", Merlin said softly, turned and ran away. Arthurs shouts echoed after him.