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Trigger alert: Mentions of child abuse, vague descriptions of childbirth, mentions of blood and previous injuries.
It wasn't uncommon for people to dislike hospitals, it was an almost primitive sentiment.
Hospitals were practically synonymous with illness and death and that wasn't something most craved and Andrew was no exception to that aversion.
No, in reality he hated them. If Andrew never had to be exposed to one again, it would still be too soon and it just made it a little worse since the whole thing with Neil being shot, Andrew falling into an abyss dark enough that he thought he wouldn't be able to get out.
So he couldn't help but think it was a little ironic that the best night of his life had started with Neil saying they needed to go to the hospital.
Andrew was proud of his evolution over the years, the way he slept was one of his main reasons for pride. At first, if he tried to sleep with anyone around, all he would get was a sleepless night. These days, Andrew could sleep through a hurricane if he had Neil by his side. Comfort being too great to be an easy task to wake him up.
Which is why he groaned and struggled to keep his eyes closed as he heard Neil calling to him softly.
The sound of Neil's short, almost silent chuckles was as good as the biggest of warm blankets, enveloping him in such comfort that the very idea of opening a single eye seemed almost a crime.
That's just until he felt Neil's lips pressed to his ear, his warm breath sending shivers through his body and making him awake enough to hear:
“Andrew, Andrew.” Neil whispered in his ear, the warm air against his skin making him shiver. “It's time for our nebula.”
As if electrocuted, Andrew sat up in half a second, half a thousandth of second. The world spun a little as he focused his eyes on Neil.
The belly showing under the baggy shirt he was wearing, the smile on his face, the mischievous eyes and...
…and the dark stain on his gray pajama bottoms.
Andrew had the clear memory in his mind, Neil and him lying on a roof talking about stars, about heavenly bodies.
Neil then asked what a nebula was and he replied: Nebulae were nurseries for stars.
Birth of stars.
Birth…
The stain on the pants, shit.
“Fuck” His throat went dry and his eyes widened, so many years of not hiding from Neil making it impossible for him to keep up a blank facade in the face of the news. “Now? ” He asked, half distressed and half groggy with sleep. But feeling more awake than ever in his life.
Neil brought his hand to his belly and rubbed it, he looked so, so calm.
It almost didn't look like he was going into labor with his fucking water broke.
“It's your daughters, of course they would choose to come at a time where it would drive us both crazy.” Neil grimaced, his nose crinkling the only sign that he was probably feeling uncomfortable. "I think we should go to the hospital?" Andrew grunted, his throat probably comparable to the arid climate of the hottest of deserts and his heart racing enough that he could feel the beat against his ribs. Neil raised an eyebrow, a sardonic smile on his face, the discomfort caused by contractions forgotten in favor of making Andrew an even bigger nervous wreck. “Unless you want babies born in our bed.”
Andrew cursed, kicking the sheets off the bed and crawling out the side where there wasn't a very calm, very amused, and very pregnant Neil.
“You're an idiot.” He said, giving Neil a kiss on the head and ran to get dressed.
He grabbed a pair of sweatpants, tossing one of them for Neil to pull on and pulling on the other. Andrew tucked his head into a short-sleeved shirt in a way he knew would make his hair look like a nest.
Did he care? Fuck, not at that moment.
Andrew ran into the girls' room, grabbing their purses and stopping suddenly, his eyes fluttering shut and a headache starting to flare between his eyes.
Technically, Neil's surgery date was still a month away, but they had already been told that the girls were big, strong and healthy enough that they could expect to be born any time between the eighth and ninth month of gestation.
They both thought the pregnancy would last until the ninth month, which led Andrew to his newfound realization that both Neil and he were complete idiots.
The bag was empty .
Andrew swore loudly, running around like crazy again so he could pick out two pairs of clothes, socks, gloves, diapers, pacifiers, bottles and whatever the hell he could find. He was pretty sure he was also putting on things that girls wouldn't wear until they were at least three months old, but it's not like he could slow his mind down enough to reason about it.
His daughters were being born , there were two babies about to come out of his fiancé and they had to go to the fucking hospital so their house wouldn't double as a makeshift delivery room.
When the bags were heavy enough for him to find minimally acceptable, Andrew left the bedroom and went to the living room, where Neil was already waiting for him sitting on the couch, hands on his stomach and speaking too softly for Andrew to understand what he was saying.
"I already got the keys." Neil said when he saw him, his face was a little sweaty but other than that there were no signs of pain or discomfort. He looked perfectly calm, Andrew hated him.
Damn, he loved him .
Neil looked so handsome that way. The clear, calm eyes, the satisfied smile on his face, the way his shoulders didn't have even the slightest hint of tension.
Neil was beautiful, in every way Andrew could think of. Normally he was already a stunning person, but like this? So content and happy?
Andrew could feel his heart being crushed by the force of it. With the weight of Neil's happiness.
And he couldn't be happier if he tried.
“Let's go then?” Andrew asked, striding closer and placing his hand on his partner's cheek.
Neil rested his head on his hand, eyes closing and a long sigh coming from the caress.
“Let's meet our daughters, Andrew.”
They were going.
His little stars.
Andrew smiled, bending down until he could touch his forehead to Neil's.
“We will.”
—
Andrew always knew that Neil was pain tolerant.
But apparently his knowledge of what his partner could endure without so much as a frown was slim—even worse, the knowledge that his partner could face contractions that both of them had heard throughout their pregnancy would be tortured with nothing more than a few sighs.
It shouldn't be surprising, but it kind of was.
Unlike Neil, who was a nervous wreck and electric enough to light a lightbulb, Neil was calm, peaceful even.
That was good as well as bad, mainly because Andrew was slightly panicked and he knew that the moment he started to really show it, Neil would find an enormous source of pleasure in teasing him.
It didn't help that the traffic seemed to be stacked against them, because even if there was no one on the streets at 2:40 in the morning, all the lights they fell on were red and Neil wouldn't let him go no matter how much Andrew really didn't care about a ticket or two or ten or twenty.
He really stopped trying to hide his panic as he impatiently tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, looking at the red dot on the light and hoping it would change faster feeling Andrew's death stare .
Because, by god, Andrew was in panic, if there was a moment in his life when he literally felt the sense of panic, the moment was that one .
And he didn't even care how many times he could repeat that word in his head before it made no sense. His heart was racing so fast Andrew was surprised the damn thing hadn't come out of his throat.
And it just made it worse that Neil was so calm and having so much fun.
The light had barely turned green when Andrew hit the gas hard enough for the car to swerve—he kind of mentally kicked himself, they should have found a hospital closer to home, but they still weren't expecting the girls for another month. They didn't know they'd be premature, but considering who fathered these girls, Andrew should have expected them to come a month early, when none of them were expecting them.
“You're going to crash that car.” Neil said, his voice dripping with sardonic amusement, his eyes twinkling and his hand on his stomach. The fucker wasn't even breaking a sweat, too busy laughing at the nervous energy coming from Andrew. "And then we'll have a problem."
“Fuck tou, Neil.”
“That's exactly how we got into this situation, idiot.” Andrew wanted to curse him, he would really love to frown too. But all he could do was smile. A stupid smile of pure joy, because yes, he was an idiot. Both were.
They were in that situation, it was comical, incredibly reckless of them because they really left everything to the last second and they were so happy that was ridiculous.
Damn
Damn, they would be parents.
A startled laugh came out of Andrew, it was involuntary, he just… laughed.
Because there was nothing funny about it, they should have been worried because Neil was in labor in the front seat of their car, but Andrew laugh .
And Neil joined him, a little thing that started out soft but when they hit another closed sign, it turned into a laugh.
Andrew felt floating and ecstatic, his belly ached with laughter and his chest burned with a warm warmth he had never felt before.
Joy, it was joy.
He laughed harder, laughed so loud he had to hold his stomach and rest his forehead on the steering wheel, which sounded the horn and nearly covered the sound of Neil's equally loud laugh.
joy joy joy
Everything he could feel was a joy so great he wanted to scream.
The light changed and Andrew hit the gas again, still laughing and still on his way to meet the other two most important people in his life.
—
—
They kind of forgot about Stuart.
…and everyone else who should care about, well, the birth of Iris and Aurora.
Neil was in the delivery room, the children in a perfect enough position that it was recommended that Neil try a natural birth.
Andrew smoothed out the wrinkles on Neil's forehead and pinched his nose when he wrinkled up at the idea, but didn't say anything. Andrew wouldn't say anything, Neil would do whatever he wanted and he wouldn't make a single noise at all.
It took a few minutes of grimaces and a long silence before Neil became suspicious and said he was going to try a normal delivery.
Andrew knew that Neil didn't like the idea of being unconscious and unable to move on an operating table, in fact Neil had an aversion to surgery in general, especially when it came to girls—he knew that in part it was due to what had happened with the doctor who treated him after he was shot. The expression on Neil's face when he said he knew what the doctor tried to do, the way he cupped his abdomen and said almost charmingly that Andrew had saved the girls.
It didn't hurt at the time because Andrew was too numb from the whole experience of almost losing everything good in his life to notice, but later, when he could calm down, he realized that Neil shouldn't to have to worry about people trying to take their daughters away from them.
It was a little comforting to know that Stuart had put that doctor through so much shit that he ended up losing his license.
Dr. Hill was delighted to take care of Neil's pregnancy when she learned what Stuart had done, uttering in every syllable that the man was a delay in medicine and that Neil's follow-up would be free to return the favor. It was at that moment that Andrew decided he really liked the woman.
"We should start calling people now, shouldn't we?" Andrew muttered. He was lying in Neil's hospital bed, his fiancé clinging to his torso like a baby koala. Andrew's head was over Neil's and he really didn't want to stop the back rub he was giving his partner.
“You call them. I am busy.” He responded. The voice muffled by Andrew's chest, who raised an eyebrow.
“With what?”
Neil looked up, nose wrinkled and forehead glistening with sweat. It was the first sign of the bad temper Andrew had heard that all people who opted for natural childbirth suffered.
He couldn't help but pinch Neil's nose between his index and middle finger.
“I'm pushing two human beings out of me, Andrew Minyard. I'm busy.”
Andrew huffed, wrapping his arms around Neil's shoulders and squeezing him a little, trying to coax him back onto his chest.
It wasn't difficult, her partner didn't even resist.
“Fine, you take the hard work. I'll talk to them.” Neil groaned.
"It's going to be nice to be able to see my feet again." He buried his nose against Andrew's neck and then said softly. “I can't wait to meet them, Drew. Is it weird that I'm missing someone I've never met?”
Andrew squeezed him a little tighter.
Because no, it wasn't weird.
In fact he understood exactly what Neil was saying. He had never missed someone so much he never even touched either, maybe this was the beginning of the rest of his life.
That warm happiness returned to his chest and Andrew kissed the top of Neil's head. He sighed, kissed him again and got up.
Neil remained in the same position, it was probably something like his cramps where he found a comfortable position where the muscle sprains didn't seem so excruciating.
Andrew stopped in the doorway of the room for just a second, admiring.
It was different from the last time, completely different. He wasn't there about to die, he was there happy and ready to receive a new reason to live.
Andrew walked away from the room, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his cell phone.
It felt very much like a repeat of the last time, but the suffocating joy inside him didn't let him confuse the dates or situations.
First, Andrew called Stuart, who answered in the first second, saying he was already aware of Neil's admission to the hospital and would be there shortly.
Andrew would have been more concerned about Stuart's penchant for extra vigilance and near stalking if he hadn't been so nervous about calling Aaron. He sat on the bench outside Neil's office and waited patiently for three minutes calling his brother directly until the husky, sleepy voice finally answered.
"Nobody died, right?" Andrew snorted and leaned back against the wall. Last time Aaron apologized for the way he answered the call and asked who had died, Andrew didn't really care but his brother felt guilty about the joke.
“Try the opposite.”
It took Aaron a few seconds to come to his senses before Andrew heard him cursing and what was probably him getting out of bed and running across the apartment with a screaming Katelyn behind him.
Andrew snorted softly and bit his lip to keep from laughing at the indignant "Now?!" that came from the other end of the call. He thought of explaining to his doctor brother that it wasn't the parents who chose the moment of birth of their children in situations like that, but would probably be wasted words against the desperation with which Aaron seemed to run through the corridors.
“Fuck Andrew, Nicky and Matt are going to cry .”
Shit, they were going to cry. Nicky especially, he had tickets booked for the beginning of next month and probably wouldn't be able to reschedule for at least another two weeks.
…Matt was just Matt. But at least he was in the fucking country .
“They will live.” He said, because those were problems for them to solve in the future. That and Andrew would probably throw Nicky to Aaron to take care of, he'd be too preoccupied with taking care of his daughters with Neil. “You will come?”
“What do you think ? I'm the godfather, asshole.” Andrew heard the jingle of keys and then a door slamming. But then Aaron stopped, Andrew knew because the sound coming from the call quieted down and his brother's breathing was barely audible. “How are you?”
How was he? This was an interesting question.
Andrew felt like he was going to melt into place, he was constantly fighting the urge to smile and his heart was pounding so hard it hurt.
It was a strange feeling and even though it couldn't be called unfamiliar, he had never experienced it on such a level.
Joy, satisfaction, pleasure.
Happiness in a way he never thought was real, not until the word nebula fell from Neil's lips in a contented whisper.
So how was Andrew feeling?
Full, was a good way to put it.
Full of absolutely every good feeling he could ever experience in his life.
Andrew was full of life, at that moment he felt immortal.
He felt like the luckiest man to ever walk this earth.
Neil was light, his girls were light. Andrew was a man touched and kissed by the sun and he would never taste the cold darkness again.
“I am feeling , brother.” And his voice hardly sweated like yours. The excitement in every syllable felt strange on her tongue, but it also felt right. There was no room for coldness when Andrew's heart was like the core of a boiling star, burning so hard that nothing in the universe could compete. "I don't think I'll ever stop feeling."
—
There were tears, but surprisingly they weren't tears of sadness. Matt was euphoric enough that Andrew guessed he'd woken up all his neighbors if Dan had silenced him after he hung up, a torrent of curses coming from Allison as Renee yelled in the background that they'd be catching the next plane, one Kevin and an extremely nervous Jean not knowing what to do because Neil was about to have two babies and they were apparently going to be uncles. Wymack, Abby, and Bee didn't give him a second to say anything other than their location before they let him know they were on their way and Nicky—
Fuck, Nicky.
Andrew thought that his cousin would be devastated to be in another country, that he would have to console him — which Andrew didn't want in absolute — and shower him with assurances that it would be all right to meet the kids next month.
Instead, Nicky was quiet for a few seconds, before whispering in a cracked voice. "Oh God, Andrew. You're going to be a dad" and if that was what finally broke the camel's back, Andrew would never admit it.
He would be a dad in the next few hours, there would be two babies in his house, the room vacant for years and decorated a few months ago would never be empty again as it would always be Iris and Aurora's room. The empty spaces in his life were being filled, even the ones he didn't even know were empty.
Andrew, a child who grew up hurt, has grown into an adult who has learned to trust despite the permanent scars on his heart.
He was a brother, a son, a father and would be a husband.
He loved and was loved equally, if not more. When was Andrew allowed to have nice things? When was he given permission to live a life so full of light and joy?
Sincerely? He did not know. But fuck, would he do it all over again just to get back here, to Neil, to his family. To his house that would be so full that he knew that they would have to move at some point.
But it didn't matter, because now it was perfect and in the future it would continue to be perfect.
Andrew walked back into the room, to Neil, only to find him half sitting, half lying, hands on his stomach and a half-annoyed smile on his face.
The short curls were messy and a few strands were stuck to his forehead.
Andrew approached with reverence, brushing the hair from Neil's skin and placing their foreheads together.
Neil sighed, his entire body letting the tension melt away.
“Your daughters aren't even born yet and they're already a nightmare.” Neil murmured, his voice low and tired.
“If they take after their other father, then we'll definitely have gray hairs.”
His partner pouted. It would be lovely if this hadn't stopped working years ago.
“I'm not that bad.”
“I have a list.”
Neil swore at him, but made enough room on the bed for him. Andrew snorted and kissed Neil's forehead, sitting on the side of the bed and holding his hand tightly.
—
Aaron arrived approximately an hour and a half later. Apparently he had to do all the work that should have been Andrew and Neil's and he reached out to the person who had actually taken care of Neil throughout the pregnancy.
Dr. Hill—Emily, she preferred—didn't seem upset at being overlooked, at best amused by the whole chaos of the situation. Andrew didn't take offense when she told him in a laughing tone that she had said more than once that the girls would be ready to be born in the eighth month of pregnancy and that they should having organized everything, he just shrugged and squeezed Neil's hand tightly when he felt it shudder from a contraction.
From time to time a nurse would come into the room and check Neil's dilation, always making sure to explain to them what was going on, how things were likely to go, and always updating an average time until Neil entered the last stage of labor.
None of the people who really resembled parental figures had arrived yet, but Andrew was feeling nervous.
Neil probably felt it too, because every few minutes he'd glare at him with a frown and nod toward the door, which “Get out and get some air” wasn't too difficult to read, but Andrew really wasn't excited about leaving it, it would possibly just make him even more anxious.
It wasn't until Aaron appeared in the room shortly after he arrived and called him into a conversation that Andrew decided to listen to Neil and go for the shortest walk.
"You look like you could use some coffee." Aaron said when Andrew joined him. Andrew didn't deny it, having been up since before three and now it was nearly five in the morning. He knew he wasn't going to sleep, the caffeine sounded good. “Coffee shop?”
Andrew shrugged. It was good enough, he just needed to stay awake, never mind that hospital coffee always tasted like shit.
They drove all the way in silence and it was only after taking their orders that Aaron insisted that they sit down and drink their coffee there. Andrew didn't like the idea, being away from Neil had already become... difficult in the last few months, especially after almost losing him. Now then? When who knows what moment Neil would enter the final stage of labor where he would have to push the babies out?
Yea, Andrew was a little worried. A little nervous. And anxious. And so scared that sometimes it was a little hard to breathe properly.
But it was fine, it was everything well. Today was not like the last time.
Yes right. Tell that to your traumatized brain, he thought. The mockery of himself and his weaknesses and vulnerability showing in corners unaffected by the light of Neil and their girls.
In the end, Andrew ended up relenting and accepting his brother's request after Aaron pointed out that if he showed up in Neil's room with that terrified expression, it was likely that Neil would permanently expel him and, he pointed out that “you chose to date a jerk like that and now you have to deal with the consequences of it like it or not".
Andrew gave the finger but sat down and sipped his coffee.
As he imagined, it tasted like shit.
Aaron was staring at him in a way that Andrew knew meant his brother had something to say and wanted him to take the lead in asking—which sucked, because Andrew wasn't in the mood to talk about anything personal which was definitely a sensitive topic if Aaron was hoping that him take the first step in the conversation.
Unfortunately for Andrew, Aaron knew him well enough to know when to cave in—and even more unfortunately for him, his brother was as stubborn as he was persevering, which wasn't a bad thing unless the target of this concoction was Andrew .
"So," he said, after raising his cup to his lips and taking a long drink of his coffee. Aaron didn't grimace at the taste, but it shouldn't have been surprising. Being a doctor himself, his taste buds had probably already deteriorated. "Are we going to talk about this now or are we going to wait for you to freak out after the girls are born?"
Andrew furrowed his brows.
“Surprise for you brother. But that's not how twin telepathy works.” Aaron rolled his eyes.
“I know you, Andrew. Well enough to know when you're more scared than nervous. I also know that you were scared of being a shitty parent, so come on, drop all the crap. Let it out so you can enjoy the birth of your daughters, okay?”
Andrew sometimes wondered how his life would have gone on if he had never met Aaron.
Where would he be? Who would you be with? Would Andrew still have a life? Would he have known Neil? Would you still have the girls?
He liked to think that he had for the last two, liked to think that he would have found Neil, regardless of fate's clutches. But to be honest, he wasn't sure.
Andrew loved his brother—it was an ugly thing at first, more possessive than caring, then anger and pain and fear. Because with Aaron, Andrew wasn't so alone anymore and he wanted to grab that and keep as long as he could and form that could.
But as they got older, what before could never even be mentioned turned into long conversations. Accusations were made, promises broken, life really went on and Andrew got a brother.
Maybe it was karma — it was Bee's fault, really — that all that maturity and dialogue coming back to bite his ass.
Andrew groaned, abandoning his coffee on the table and rubbing his face with his hands.
"I wish I could have swallowed you in the womb."
“What a shame. Come on, spill it. It's me or Neil and I'm sure his mood isn't the best right now.”
He rubbed his face harder.
Andrew didn't know where to start. He couldn't list all the ways it could go wrong just by having him in the equation.
Neil and Andrew would be two very poor examples of authority figures, there was no way in hell the two of them could control their daughters' rebellious teenager attitude if they inherited a personality even slightly similar to theirs.
Neil was a completely different story.
Neil still possessed a gentleness that god knows where it came from, but he still retained it. Neil knew how to braid hair. Neil could teach them how to paint and sculpt, how to play the piano, harp and guitar. I could teach them to dance and sing.
Neil would be formidable even with all of his ugly, broken, scarred parts.
Andrew?
He snorted.
"I have nothing to offer them. I think I'm entitled to freak out a little.” Aaron stared at him dumbfounded for a second, before sighing and rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands.
“This isn't a deal, Andrew. You don't have to offer anything in return for your daughters' love, no more than what you already offers. You love them, that's enough, asshole.”
He shook his head.
"What happens when they start asking the tough questions, then? What do I say when they ask how grandma died? Or because we don't have pictures of her? I say I killed her? That I burned the pictures because you looked pitiful looking at them? What should I say?”
“Tell them she died while you were protecting me.” Aaron said simply. As if it were an unquestionable truth, as if it were easy. “Tell them she died because she hurt children like them.” He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. "Why this out of nowhere?"
“I've thought about it too often.” Andrew admitted, looking down at his glass. It was weird being vocal about his fears, it just didn't feel right. “Maybe it's a ghost haunting me, but I can't stop thinking about it.”
“I already forgave you for that, Andrew. A long long time ago. It's no use brooding, brother.” Aaron didn't sound accusatory, or even tired. His tone was gentle, almost too gentle. Andrew could see that he was trying there and he was grateful for that, but Andrew's mind never really worked as it should. It probably wouldn't start here.
“I took your mom from you." he muttered under his breath because he didn't really want to say any of that out loud and end up, you know, getting arrested or something. “You loved her. And before I didn't understand how you felt, because it was ridiculous that you still cared about someone who hurt you, but then I had someone I love and almost lost him. It's different, you know? now I understand. And the pain I put you through... I can't feel guilt for killing her , but for you to have suffered and it's all just because now I know what it's like to be on the other side.” He shrugged. “I don't want to be a terrible example for the girls, Aaron. I don't want them to grow up with distorted morals that were inherited from someone, I want them to have a good life, a happy childhood. I want them to have everything that Neil and I couldn't, everything that you and I didn't.”
And there was the big problem. His real fear.
Andrew was afraid that Iris and Aurora would end up like him and Aaron.
Twins who never really met. Brothers more out of sheer stubbornness than real fraternal ties.
Andrew was afraid that his daughters, his babies , ended up like him.
How could Andrew not fear it? Until he met Neil, he didn't even know if he would make it to thirty alive and honestly? it was not in their plans.
All he wanted was for Iris and Aurora to have a better chance than him, better than Aaron, better than Neil. And logically he knew they would, because even before they were born there were people who adored them, who would die and kill for them — but that wasn't enough to calm him down.
Not now.
Not when it was happening.
Not when Andrew was about to become a dad . Not when he was just hours away from taking his girls in his arms for the first time.
And he... he had so much fear which was paralyzing.
And, looking at Aaron, Andrew knew he knew. That he understood.
The dread that Iris and Aurora would end up like them.
“They'll be fine, Andrew.” Aaron said. His voice was low, but it wasn't as soft and gentle as before. It was firm, as if he believed what he said. “They'll have you and Neil to protect them, they'll have each other, they'll have a family of fucked up misfits who will do anything to make sure they end up well.” Andrew sighed, releasing the air trapped in his lungs, letting go of the weight on his shoulders.
“I don't want them to hate me.”
“Will not happen." he snorted.
“I'm an easily hated person, Aaron.”
His brother glared at him, raised an eyebrow, and like the drama queen he was, took a long drink of coffee before crossing his fingers on the table.
"If those girls take anything from Neil Josten, you are going to be the most beloved dad in this whole world , Andrew. Because Neil loves you more than anything and these girls will love you as much as he does. Do you know why?” Aaron reached into his pants pocket and took out a black fabric very familiar to Andrew. He looked down at his arms, the silvery scars visible to anyone who cared to see them. In his haste, he had forgotten his armbands, he realized. “Because they'll know that their father is the strongest, most protective, most loving person they'll ever meet. And that you would do anything for them.”
And then he pushed that protective layer on Andrew, one he'd learned to shed around Neil and would probably never even try to put on around his daughters.
Andrew sighed again as he slid the cool fabric over his arms, hiding that part of him from prying eyes.
Aaron was… right.
Not about everything, but about most. He was right, it didn't eliminate the fear, no, but it did make it more manageable. It made him small.
“Thank you.” he whispered, fingers touching the inside of her arms. There was more to his thanks than just remembering to bring armbands with him. It was for everything, for being there, for making it easier to breathe.
Aaron smiled.
“Whenever you need it, brother.”
And Andrew knew it was true.
He smiled back.
Yes, sometimes Andrew wondered how his life would have gone on if he had never met Aaron.
And it was times like this that he was sure that no matter where he was, it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be complete.
He closed his eyes and rested his head on the table, listening to his brother taking another sip of coffee.
Thanks, thought again. Thank you, Aaron.
—
Maybe that was the day when hell would freeze over. Andrew would say that he could almost hear the trumpets of the apocalypse, but it seemed a little cruel to say so in light of the scene unfolding in front of him.
Because Stuart Hatford, the man who was the epitome of British organized crime, powerful enough that nothing and no one would be able to stop him if he wanted to get in or out of the country, the man who threatened to bring down the fucking Yakuza solely because they wanted Neil, this man —was crying.
Andrew had never seen him cry. Not when his sister's bones were dug up on the beach, or when he found his nephew barely alive after being tortured in Nathan's basement. Not even when they'd both nearly lost Neil months ago had Andrew seen him blink back any emotion.
But in that moment, when Stuart saw Neil sweating the way he was, with his hospital gown, damp hair and a tired smile on his face, Andrew could only watch the way the man walked over to his fiancé and hugged him, whispering something that he couldn't hear as tears streamed down his face.
This was not a moment Andrew should have been watching and he knew it, even though he is family, there were things some people shouldn't see.
That man breaking down probably counted as one of those.
Andrew quietly left, fearing that any sound might break the little bubble of peace the two men had settled into.
He leaned against the wall outside the room and sighed.
It's not like he likes to drag himself along— to be dragged on Aaron's case—away from Neil, but apparently he didn't have much of a choice. Andrew valued secrecy and privacy, and he knew only too well how much those two did the same.
“I'm surprised you're letting Neil out of your sight while these two talk.” He heard it, but he didn't have to turn around to see who it was. Not in that tone of voice, not in the way it automatically soothed him, not when he could practically hear the smile in her voice. “Hello, Andrew.”
He smiled a little.
“Hey Bee.”
When he turned around, he found the woman with her arms outstretched, ready to receive him if Andrew wanted. The thing was, Andrew almost never wanted, but at that moment?
It was a few steps until he sank into the woman's warm, comfortable embrace. It wasn't the first time Andrew had held her, not when Bee was so fond of him that the woman's mere presence comforted him, but it was different than this time.
“Hey darling.” He pressed his face against her shoulder. Bee had never been that tall, in fact she was shorter than Neil so it was easy for him to hide his expression that way. He didn't know when she started calling him darling, my boy and other expressions like that, but Andrew just couldn't bring himself to stop her. It felt so right he never questioned it. “You'll be such a good father, Andrew, so good. You will be their world.”
He shook his head.
“I don't want that to happen.” Bee mumbled a request for permission to run her fingers through his hair and Andrew nodded. The woman caressed his hair with a care that Andrew had already related to her, it was almost motherly the amount of care that Bee always had in never letting her fingers get tangled in any of the locks of his hair.
“That's not for you to decide, Andrew. They will grow up and see you and Neil every day. They will know your faces, your voices, the touch and smell of you.” Bee's hands went to his cheeks and lifted his face from where it had been hiding. “You will be the first and last thing they see when they wake up and when they fall asleep, you will be their daddies, their family. Children see their parents as heroes, Andrew.” The woman smiled. "It's about time someone saw you like this. and I'm so proud from you, Andrew.” Bee's eyes were glistening with tears. Andrew knew she wanted to shed but wouldn't because she thought keeping herself steady for him was more important. “It's like seeing the son I always wanted realize a dream he never knew he had.”
For a moment, Andrew felt himself tense. Bee's words shorting out his brain.
He took a step back to look at her properly.
"The son you always wanted?"
The woman's smile widened and her tears almost escaped, but she wiped her eyes under the glasses she wore before they could.
"Does that surprise you?" Bee put her hands on her hips. “Everyone here chose their family, in a way. Is it so strange that I chose you as my son?”
Yes. Yes, it was.
Andrew was never chosen that way.
He was chosen as a brother, as a cousin, as a protector, as a lover, as a bridegroom.
Never as a son. Of all the titles he ever owned and claimed, son was never one of them.
Andrew was never the first choice in this regard.
But it was Bee .
His Bee..
And maybe it was because of who she was, what she stood for, what she did for him—it just…it made sense.
It was strange to realize that he was the son of someone, that this person wanted him and he accepted her. But again, it was Bee . She saw Andrew at his worst and never looked away.
It was Bee, his mother, apparently.
Andrew huffed, swallowing what would be his second hysterical laugh of the day. He would thank her later, would talk later. Andrew wasn't in the right place to go through it all, to absorb what it meant what Bee had just given him.
For Andrew, now there was only Neil.
Bee only needed to know one thing and that he could give her; that little acceptance, the promise that they would talk about it, that Andrew wanted her:
“Better get used to the idea of being a grandmother, then.”
The woman laughed and the tears finally won, running down her face until they dripped down her chin. Bee didn't try to dry them, she just approached and after Andrew's confirmation, she hugged him again.
“I can handle it, my boy. Do not worry.”
He buried his face again in the crook of the woman's neck.
…it was warm.
—
—
Whenever Neil felt a little too hot, too cold, irritable, excited, or exerted himself too much, his cheeks and nose turned completely red.
Ever since they met, Andrew has found this aspect fascinating. At the time, if he had been a different person, he would have called it adorable. But he was rigid there, too closed off and completely hopeless.
That has changed, a lot has changed — Andrew's fascination has not.
The way the blush practically soaked into Neil's skin, making the brown even brighter and highlighting the freckles scattered across his skin.
Andrew loved the vision—loved Neil.
He had already witnessed this in several situations; when they decided to spend a day camping and went rock climbing, skiing, after spending an entire afternoon at the beach, after a fight, while they fought.
Andrew analyzed, cataloged and committed each of those moments to memory. They were some of his treasures, moments so important that he couldn't even express how valuable they were.
Now, there was a new moment.
Neil was smiling, but he looked tired. His face was all wet with sweat and his position on the bed couldn't be comfortable.
His eyes were the bluest Andrew had ever seen. So crystalline they looked like jewels—a freshly cut aquamarine, the moment when the stone would be the brightest in existence.
They were beautiful, intense and completely focused on Andrew — as if he were the only thing Neil could see.
Perhaps that was the case.
Neil was definitely the only thing Andrew could see.
"You're beautiful, you know that?” Neil said. Soft, warm. A bead of sweat trickled down his face and Andrew snorted. He stuffed the cloth into the container of cold water the nurse had just brought in and wrung it out. “The father of my daughters and future husband. The most handsome man ever.”
"You look high." Andrew replied, unable to keep the good humor out of his voice. Maybe it was possible to die of happiness? He thought he should worry about the hypothesis. Andrew carefully smoothed the cool cloth over Neil's warm skin, and Neil practically melted at the sensation, his head following the cloth and Andrew's hand. "Did they give you something while I wasn't looking?"
“How could they?” he murmured, eyes closing as Andrew refreshed the back of his neck and neck. “You stare at every person who walks into this room like you're going to kill them.” Andrew shrugged, it was true. And he would kill if anyone tried anything. Andrew was there to protect and that's what he would do. “A real fox even when you’re not trying.”
He rolled his eyes, his memory flashing back to the conversation they'd had a month earlier when Andrew had a…little bout of overprotectiveness and it may have almost prevented Neil from even moving. He did anything and everything that was needed around the house and outside too—he didn't even realize what he was doing until Neil stared at him and asked him if he thought Neil was disabled or something.
When they worked things out, his fiancé laughed and said that Andrew was like a wild fox—extremely protective of his partner and their children, biting and scratching anyone in his path.
It was the first time that being associated with a fox didn't make him feel exasperated but… strong. Trusting.
Because it was true. He would make anything for Neil and his daughters.
Anything.
Andrew opened his mouth to retort, but Neil twisted hard—a growl caught in his throat and a hand clutching his abdomen.
He knew this would happen a lot now that Neil had, in fact, gone into labor.
His contractions were spaced out short enough that soon—according to the nurse—he would have to start pushing.
They were just alone because Neil felt uncomfortable with so many people in the room while he wasn't, you know, actually spewing out babies out of his body, as he himself had said.
“How bad?” he asked, setting aside both the container of water and the soft cloth.
"I think it'll be good to call the doctors soon." He replied with clenched teeth, frowning forehead and voice a little high. "I feel it's time. Looks to be on time.” Andrew's heart sped up and an icy feeling settled in his stomach. Andrew immediately got to his feet, ready to drag the first person he saw who could take care of Neil. “Wait!” He froze, eyes wide and afraid of what he'd done wrong. "Stay, don't go. Don't leave me, I don't want to be alone.”
Andrew immediately deflated, the tension leaving him as quickly as it arrived. He sighed and moved to sit next to Neil on the bed.
“Don't scare me like that, Neil.” He reached out and cupped his fiance's cheek in his palm. "I thought there was something wrong."
His partner's expression contorted.
“I'm just scared." he whispered, laying his face in Andrew's hand. “It's just…so real right now, but it almost feels like a lie when you're not there and I don't want to be alone. ” Closing his eyes, Neil reached out and grabbed Andrew's shirt, pulling him to him. “Stay with me?”
There were times when your life didn't seem real.
That there was someone holding him, not pushing him. Who asked him to stay instead of sending him away.
Who accepted his protection and offered the same in return.
Someone who would look at him to drive away fear instead of looking with fear.
Neil didn't look real.
“Always.” he said calmly, leaning down and kissing his fiancé's forehead. "But how are we going to call the doctors?"
He laughed, a weak, frightened thing.
It seemed to hurt too. Andrew wished he could kiss him and take the pain out of Neil and swallow it all for himself, but when he couldn't do that, he was content to offer the tenderness he'd learned to cultivate all these years.
“Use that stupid button.” the man grunted, his face turning from pain to an awkward smile, as if he wanted to grimace. “I'm scared, but I'm happy. That makes sense? I'm in pain, but I've never been happier in my life. Is this what it's like to be a father? It's insane. Complete madness, maybe I really am high.”
Andrew laughed.
“I know how you feel.” Running his fingers through Neil’s wet curls. “I'm scared too.”
Neil's eyes were wide and so clear that it hurt to see. They were like great pools of unearthly blue water.
Andrew would like to bathe in them.
“Are you ready? To have them? To meet them?” His voice was nothing more than a whisper.
“Not.” He replied, being sincere. He wasn't ready, nobody was ready to be a father, in Andrew's mind. But by god he wanted to . “But I want. I want them. Want you. I want it all, Neil Josten. Everything you are and everything you want to give me.”
“Me too. Me too.” he whispered. His hand caressed his stomach. It had become a habit now, Andrew wondered if it would continue after Iris and Aurora were born. “Thank you. For wanting them, to want me . I know it hasn't been easy, Andrew, and maybe it never will be, but—” A pause. “I'm grateful it was you. That always was you.”
Andrew rested his forehead against Neil's, counting his breaths and swallowing his body heat.
Neil being grateful to him wasn't acceptable, not when it was Andrew who was saved from the void by that man's very existence.
Not when Neil had given him everything he held dear.
Not when Neil helped him be who he was today.
“You, Neil Josten, you are my salvation.” Andrew brought Neil's hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles. “I love you.”
Blue eyes widened, but Neil's face melted into a familiar expression.
It wasn't the first time he'd heard Andrew say that and he would make it his life's mission to make sure Neil heard as much as he was capable of saying.
Because Andrew loved him.
With everything he had and everything he was.
He pulled back a little, just enough to press the stupid button.
“And I love you.” Neil whispered, lying back on the pillow. His face calm and at peace.
Andrew leaned in and kissed him again.
And again and again and again.
—
It was new.
The way the air seemed easier to breathe, the way the lights seemed brighter, the way gravity seemed to be gone, and the way Andrew felt…floating.
All of this was new.
The two little girls were absolutely perfect. Iris, born five minutes apart from her older sister Aurora.
Neil and Andrew were parents.
It had been about fifty minutes since the girls were born, presented to them and then taken away for check-up because, even though they were healthy, they were still premature.
It was obvious the expression of discontent that grew on Neil's face when he could only hold them for a moment before they took them—Andrew was told he could too, but… he saw how small his girls were. So small it looked like he could break them with a simple touch.
Andrew preferred to wait. He didn't care, he just wanted to make sure they didn't get hurt if he held them against his chest the way he'd really wanted to since he found out Neil was pregnant.
Instead, Andrew held Neil. He was with his fiance when the man was sent to a private room so he could wash up and Andrew made sure to bathe him the way Neil deserved.
Fingers through his partner's scalp, whose eyes looked heavy with sleep but steadfast in their stubbornness not even to doze off until they could see the girls again—he soaped and washed him, massaging the muscles in his neck and shoulders, depositing soft kisses behind his ear, cheeks and throat and then massaging his legs and feet.
And even though he wanted to spoil Neil the way he deserved after everything that had happened that night, Andrew could see that, as much as he was enjoying it, Neil was impatient for his return to the bedroom.
He said nothing about it, saving as ammunition for future banter the way his already self-proclaimed "allergic to hospital" partner was looking forward to getting back into bed of one.
Not that Andrew would blame him. Not with the memory bright on his eyelids of two babies, chubby hands trying to grab whatever they could as they cried at the top of their lungs with their voluminous tufts of red hair.
However, no matter how anxious he was, Neil still had to rest . So his complaints when Andrew picked him up to carry him back to the room faster died quickly when he realized that either Andrew was going to carry him—in his surgical gown, no less—or he was going to come back in a wheelchair.
Andrew had to suppress a smile when Neil sighed, muttering that he could walk.
He held him tight, trapping Neil against his chest. Feeling his heartbeat, the rise and fall of his chest, the heat against his skin.
Was it possible that his heart was bursting with happiness? It was so strange to feel like this, it felt unreal.
Everything felt unreal.
"Do you think it will be long before they come back?" Neil murmured against Andrew's throat, who felt the effects of hot breath against sensitive skin at the same time.
“No. They're probably just waiting for us to come back.” He bumped his head against Neil's lightly. “Stop being the fox here.”
His partner snorted softly and stopped moving.
Andrew wasn't worried, he kind of wished Neil would get some sleep, but he was well aware that separation anxiety after waiting so long for the girls was hard to deal with.
Neither of them said anything until they reached the bedroom, where Andrew quickly tucked him into bed.
Sheets had been changed and some gifts and stuffed animals were already spread out on the bedside table, a card with "Welcome Iris and Aurora" on top of a pile of other cards, but there was no one in sight. They probably chose to give them time alone so that Neil could rest or so they could enjoy the girls alone.
Which, luckily, they didn't have to wait to have.
It wasn't long before a nurse came by to check on things and ask if they'd like the girls' cribs brought up to the room.
Both responded in unison a quick yes sharp, which left the woman with a knowing smile on her face, before walking out of the room saying something about first-time parents.
They looked at each other and Neil was the first to laugh, a smile big enough to show his teeth.
Was beautiful. The most beautiful thing Andrew had ever seen and probably the most beautiful thing he would ever see in his life.
…was what he thought. Because just under five minutes later, his conception of beauty was changed forever. That's when he realized he was wrong before, so wrong.
In two white, undecorated mobile cribs were the two most beautiful creatures Andrew had ever seen in his entire life. And not only that, they came wrapped in yellow throws, the same shade as the slippers Andrew had chosen all those months ago.
If he was honest, it wouldn't be possible to say that he actually remembered everything the doctor said, not when he was so busy… looking .
Seeing, observing, admiring.
Falling in love.
There are those who say that you can feel when your heart ceases to be yours and belongs to someone else. They say you can feel it coming out of your chest and into the hands of its new owners.
Andrew's heart has always been bruised, scarred and to be honest, he couldn't say it was beautiful .
But at that moment it didn't matter.
It wasn't his, not anymore.
It hadn't been his for a long time, really. Ever since he saw Neil Josten, with all that rage burning so much that drew Andrew straight into its atmosphere as if it were the sun itself.
And that's what they were, wasn't it?
His sun and his two stars.
Andrew hoped Neil would have no problem sharing his heart with those two little gems wrapped in a yellow blanket. He didn't think he could glue together the parts that had split into three.
The girls were quiet as the nurse handed one of the babies to Neil, who accepted it with open arms, taking the girl to his chest.
Neil's already wide smile grew even wider, enough that the knife scar on his cheek tugged a little.
Gorgeous.
He was Gorgeous.
Andrew approached the bed, feeling his soul break and rebuild itself in a way where the exact size of that baby fit. He reached out, the temptation to touch stronger than ever—but then he withdrew.
He could?
Andrew didn't know what kind of expression he was wearing, but the nurse smiled at him as she held out the other baby.
"Would you like to hold your daughter, Mr. Minyard?”
He sobbed, unable to contain it. Eyes stinging before turning to Neil, almost asking for permission.
He would beg if necessary. He would drop to his knees without even batting an eye.
…but it wouldn't be necessary. Not with the way Neil looked at him, as if Andrew himself had hung the moon and all the stars in the sky just for him.
“This is Aurora.” Neil said, looking at the baby in his arms. And then he nodded at the other little girl. “Take your daughter, Andrew. It's time for them to meet their family.”
As if he was about to break, Andrew nodded and walked slowly over to the woman, who handed him his daughter in his arms.
The weight was almost non-existent. She must weigh more, right?
Andrew looked up, trying to figure out on Neil's face if he was doing something wrong, only to find the biggest smile he'd ever seen on his fiance's face.
"Can I really hold her?" he asked quietly. Did he have permission? When was Andrew so blessed? When he received permission to be so happy? That was all he could think of looking at his daughter's face. It was small, round and perfect. The hair, the skin, and the shape of the eyes were all Neil's. But the nose...
"They have your nose." Neil said. He sounded delighted, as if that little fact were something to be delighted with. "And your mouth. There's also that same mole you have on the tip of your ear.” Neil's voice was more melodic than it had ever been, a timbre of delight and pleasure ringing together and leaving each note that composed his speech a blessed sentence. “They're ours, Andrew. We made them. Look at them, Drew. Look at them.
And he was.
In fact, Andrew thought he would never be able to look away again.
He felt his eyes filling up at the same time as a burning sensation took over his nose, a pressure behind his eyes and his throat going dry.
He didn't try to stop the sob that strangled from his throat, much less tried to stop the tears that fell down his cheeks.
Andrew climbed onto the bed, being careful not to disturb Iris's sleep as he knelt beside Neil.
Another sob and then another and another and another.
Andrew couldn't contain it.
There was a time when he would never let himself cry like that, too worried about who would see his tears and interpret them as a sign of weakness they could take advantage of.
This Andrew also never would have had the chance to hold his daughter to his chest and when he rested his forehead against that of his fiancé who was holding their other baby.
This Andrew would never have had his tears kissed by soft lips or heard the whispers of a man who loved him that everything was all right, that they were with them and that they would protect them as long as they lived.
That Andrew never, never, would have felt the abysmal happiness that seized him. He would never have laughed the way he laughed into Neil's lips when his partner asked for a kiss.
He would never have bent down, kissed each of his beautiful, perfect daughters on the forehead and whispered to them how much he loved them.
“Welcome, girls.” Andrew whispered.
Neil leaned his head on his shoulder, his expression softer than anything else Andrew could think of.
“We've been waiting for you." he said, running a thumb over Aurora's plump cheek as Andrew stroked Iris's hair. “For so, so long.”
He didn't need anything else.
His life, his entire universe, his treasure, his everything , they were all gathered right there.
Happy.
Andrew was so happy.
Happier than he ever thought he could be.
And the best part? It was just the first day of the rest of his life.