Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[E3:2]
[Immediately following Steven and Connie’s conversation toward the end of Growing Pains]

“So can you tell me what that was about?” Priyanka was walking with her daughter down a hospital hall, having just finished one of the more uncomfortable exams of her career.

“Yeah, yeah I can," she said hesitantly, looking around, "but let’s. . . do you think w–”

Dr. Maheswaran put a finger up and nodded in understanding, pulling her phone out with the other hand and dialing someone with an almost robotic speed. “Hello, Dr. Hollen? Is now a good time to call in one of my favors? I do have someone else I could– Yes, exactly, and – hold on a second,” she looked up at Connie and asked her, “How big is this, should I take tomorrow too?”

Connie looked at her like she was confused. Not because she was confused. Just because she was surprised, and lying is a hard habit to break, especially those small little lies she told with her face. “I mea–”

“Could you plan on covering for me tomorrow too?” her mother went ahead and said into the phone. “Okay, I’ll call you if things change, but let’s plan on that and I think then I owe you one, maybe two.” She laughed; confusingly for Connie, the laugh seemed fake, but the smile sincere. “Mhmm. . . Yes. . . no it’s not that kind of emergency. . . yeah, more in that neighborhood. Thank you very much, I really appreciate this. Okay. Mhmm. Yes. Okay. Yep! Mhmm. Talk to you soon. Thanks again! Bye.” She hung up the phone and looked at Connie. “Where are we eating?”

#####

They were sitting not far from the boardwalk, near a payphone, on a bench. Strangely, the bench was set up facing a wall. Dr. Maheswaran and Connie sat side-by-side, a box of half meat-lover’s / half veggie pizza in Connie’s lap. Connie quickly went through two pieces of each; Dr. Maheswaran ate one slice of veggie pizza, and didn’t finish the crust. She gestured it at Connie, who shook her head, so Priyanka got up, threw the crust away, and came to sit back down.

Connie finished that fourth piece, then closed the box and set it aside. She sighed, and looked over at her mom. “You’ve been very patient.”

“I could tell you needed a minute, and I could tell this was a big deal. But I am pretty anxious to know more about what’s going on.”

“Okay, so,” Connie braced herself, “um. . . There’s really no good way to preface this, is there?” she asked rhetorically. “Steven proposed to me.”

“He what!?” Priyanka yelped

Connie threw her hands up defensively. “I said no, I said no, I–”

Priyanka’s face melted from concern to amused concern. “That’s not what I’m worried about, dear. Why don’t you just tell me what happened?”

“Okay, so, you know I told you about the other day at the roller rink?”

Priyanka nodded.

“And how I mentioned that I thought I’d been right about maybe needing to fuse to really communicate everything? And how I was grateful because I thought it had worked, but that I had some worries about how either or both of us might handle it?”

Priyanka nodded again.

“Yeah, well, maybe eventually I’ll start trusting my own predictions ahead of time.” Connie let out a huff of air. “And I’m not completely surprised. He’s been really struggling to find out what he wants to do with his life now that it can be about more than just doing damage-control for his mother and letting everybody lean on him emotionally. I think some of this was coming from a place of, ‘Wouldn’t that be a great future?’”

“Wait back up. . . You were talking about getting married, now fusing at the roller-rink. . .”

Connie hesitated for a moment, then barreled forward:“He asked me to be Stevonnie with him,” Connie told her. “Forever.”

“Forever?" Dr. Maheswaran was stunned. "As in, all the time, permanently?”

“I think that’s what he had in mind, yeah.”

“Could you two even do that?”

Connie nodded. “Probably, actually, yeah,” she said confidently. “We’re already very stable as far as fusions go; if we started sharing the entirety of our thoughts and experiences as one entity, I think we’d just further cement that bond.”

“I see. . .” Priyanka’s eyes were wide. “But then. . . what happens to you?”

“I mean. . . I’ll be being Stevonnie.” She gave a slight shrug. “I’ve tried explaining some of how I experience it, right? Like I’m little bubbles in every part of them, or–”

“No I get that. Well,” she reconsidered, “no I don’t, but I sort of do, I think. That’s not what I mean. What happens to your life? Would you just be done being Connie, forever?”

“That,” she grinned ruefully, slightly embarrassed as she sighed and leaned back a bit further, “is one of the many many things I’m worked up about. I don’t think it’s necessarily what would happen. But I do think that’s one potential outcome of what he was proposing, yeah.”

Priyanka took that in for a moment. “You’ve told me many times that you think you’ll probably spend the rest of your life with Steven, but you felt that making some kind of deep commitment so young could actually make things more difficult. Do you still feel that way?”

Connie nodded. “That’s pretty much exactly how I answered, too.”

Priyanka let out a little of the relief she felt. “But when you’re older, if you’re still together, if he asks again. . . how would you feel about being Stevonnie full-time? Is that something you want?”

Connie hesitated. “. . . Can I tell you a secret, Mom?”

“One I’d keep from everyone, or from everyone but your dad?”

“. . . Mostly from Steven, I guess; you can tell Dad if you want.” Priyanka nodded for her to continue. “I’m actually kinda worried about how appealing it sounds, actually.”

“Oh?” Priyanka’s reaction was intentionally measured.

“Yeah. . . I’ve never talked about it before – because I mean, who else but Steven would really understand, right? But. . . I had this realization not too long ago. Steven and I were talking, he’d been struggling with some. . . identity stuff, and he kind of suddenly shifted to talking about fusion. He said that he was worried that he used fusion as a way to run away from being himself. And I’ve thought about that a lot for myself too.”

“What’s so bad about being yourself?”

“Well nothing really,” she reported sincerely. ”My self-image isn’t always the greatest, but it is pretty healthy. I know this is a good self to be. But Stevonnie’s a completely confident, competent butt-kicker who’s even stronger than Steven, they’re gorgeous, and also I get to be that strong confident gorgeous ba–” she caught herself, “buttkicker. I get to jump 30 feet in the air, dive to the bottom of the ocean. I feel unstoppable as Stevonnie, I feel like embodied love and possibility, I feel. . . really really great, being them. Yes I’ve become quite capable in my own right, and I am really proud of myself. But I’m not literally magical. Not until I’m Stevonnie. So I guess it’s less that I want to not be myself, more that I’m worried that maybe my-self won’t seem compelling enough if I let myself spend so much time as them-self.“

“Um, I see. I think?” her mother said. “Well, I’m glad to hear it’s not a matter of low self-esteem, because you are a wonderful person in your own right, even if you’d never met Steven.” She sat and thought about what she did and didn’t want to say. “So I think I somewhat understand what you find appealing about being Stevonnie. They certainly always seem like they’re enjoying existence – it’s been a while since they’ve had dinner with us, hasn’t it?” she realized suddenly, getting slightly sidetracked. “They’re great to have a meal with for exactly that reason, you two are very happy together and it’s a joy to be around.” Connie was overjoyed to hear that her mother missed those dinners too. “But you said that all this worried you?” Connie nodded. “Say more?” her mother prompted.

Connie sat quietly and considered for a moment. “I guess. . . I guess I feel like I shouldn’t even be willing to consider it. Fusion feels dangerous – well no, I feel like it should feel dangerous, but it actually feels incredible, to the point that I’m worried my life just can’t compete. Wouldn’t this be a bad idea? I expected you to be really against it.”

She caught Connie’s invitation. “I mean, I have some concerns, yes,” she said diplomatically. “I think this will be worth examining your motives about, yes. I also think it’s worth considering that you can be Stevonnie a lot of the time but not all of the time, still having your own life. But,” she sighed, “I can’t say I’m not a little upset at the prospect that sometime 35 or 40 years from now when you two are getting married,” (Connie smirked at that little joke,) “I might have to potentially say goodbye to my daughter. Still I’ve come to love Stevonnie, I hope you all know that. They are just as much a part of the family as Steven is. If being Stevonnie is what would make Connie happy, that’s what I care about. I’d miss you, but I know you’d still be there. The experience of you might not be as direct, but I’ve already gotten better at seeing you and Steven and Stevonnie all at the same time when you’re fused, so I imagine I’d only get better if I had that much practice.” Connie smiled at her, really surprised at this response. “It would be quite a transition to be sure,” her mother finished, “but if it’s what you want. . . you’ll be able to trust your own judgment.”

“But you don’t think I’d be throwing my life away?”

“Not if that’s what you wanted to do with it, no! It’s your life!”

“Exactly. My life. My dreams. My goals. It feels. . . irresponsible, to just abandon all that to go be Stevonnie.”

“Well does it feel irresponsible? Or is it just that you want those things in addition, and you don’t think you can have both? What does it feel like you’d be giving up? Does it have to be abandoning your old life, or can you find a new balance?”

“Hm. . . “ Connie pondered a moment. “This isn’t really the biggest thing I worry about, but it’s a good example: say we got married before I finished grad school. How would Stevonnie even get enrolled? I doubt they’d accept my transcripts on their behalf. Heck, how would we even get an ID? And then, would we have to get our GED and go from there? Would Stevonnie even want to do all that? What if Stevonnie just wanted to travel around the world and pick up hot g– um,” she stumbled, “hotdogs, from various state fairs.” Connie couldn’t believe how loose she was being; usually she never even came close to saying something she didn’t want her mother to hear.

Priyanka smirked but didn’t say anything.

Connie’s face was tight, but she was grinning. “Y’know, I guess my worry is something like, ‘what if what matters to me doesn’t matter enough to Stevonnie?’”

Her mother looked thoughtful. “Well, I know that they’re a lot more than just an embodiment of your relationship to each other, but it sounds like maybe you’re worried that what matters enough to you won’t matter enough to Steven.”

Connie shook her head. “No, that’s not it. If anything, I wish I mattered a little less to him sometimes – er, that he had an easier time saying ‘no’ to me, is what I guess I mean. I know he’ll support my goals.”

“Hmmm,” Priyanka smiled slightly, subtly nodding.

Connie sat and thought for a minute. Well, sort of: it felt like thinking, but her thoughts just raced across the surface of her mind, not really engaging anything.

“Well,” Priyanka prodded her, “and it doesn’t seem like it’s that ‘X-factor’ you’ve talked about, the whole ‘both of us and more’ idea, does it?” She was referring to a conversation they’d had once where Connie tried to explain how it felt like there were parts of Stevonnie that just existed, independently of either Steven or Connie, that didn’t come from either one of them. A few things, they realized eventually, came from their perceptions of each other, which was a really weird thing to reflect on. But there was still that ‘and more,’ that x-factor, those traits that just seemed to be unique to Stevonnie themself.

“No that’s definitely not it. They’re definitely us, we’re definitely them,” she declared definitively. “The other stuff doesn’t change that.” She didn’t elaborate; she didn’t need to.

“So. . .” Dr. Maheswaran waited for her daughter to put it together.

Connie’s thoughts did more of the aimless skittering, though she felt something threatening to actually register consciously. She skittered harder.

“Are you maybe worried that you don’t want some of the things you’re telling yourself you want?”

Connie didn’t say anything. Her mind stopped skittering; now it was just silent.

Her mother sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. “I’ve made a lot of tough decisions as your mother, and I’ve got ones I regret and ones I’m really proud of.” She opened her eyes again and looked at Connie. “I’m worried I actually managed to do too good of a job trying to keep your feet on the ground.”

Connie was stunned by that. “Are you even actually my mother? What is this?” She was smiling though.

“Well this is what I mean! I was always pushing you toward really ‘practical’ pursuits as a kid, and then the more I learned about Steven and the things you two get up to, the more I’ve tried to make sure that you didn’t just drop your life to run off with your magical boyfriend. But that’s because you’re a kid, because there are things I felt you had to learn, opportunities I didn’t want you to miss out on, so I didn’t want you to get swept up off your feet.” She smiled lovingly at her daughter. “But your feet are firmly on the ground, Connie, you can trust yourself to keep your footing. I don’t need to tell you to keep a level head about those things anymore: you already do. If you want to keep walking the path that you’ve laid out for yourself – college, politics, changing the world – then I know you’ll achieve it, no matter who ‘you’ is by that point. But if you want to leap off onto a whole different kind of path, if that’s what will inspire and fulfill you, that’s what I want for you. I just didn’t want you to close any doors when you were too young to make that decision.”

“I’ve done a lot of things I was probably too young for,” Connie said, with a trace of bitterness.

Priyanka looked a little regretful, her neck tense, pulling her head slightly up and back, her eyes scrunching up, her frown deepening. “Yes you have,” she agreed, sighing slightly.

They both sat looking at the wall for a little while.

“I’m sorry,” Connie said.

“No-” Priyanka started.

Connie didn’t even slow her sentence, continuing, “that was a little out of left field, and a little avoidance. I guess you’re right. I don’t see why you want to shoulder so much of the blame though – I mean you did contribute, sure; but this whole world is confusing, and my life hasn’t been straightforward. No other mother would’ve done any better.” They both sat quietly for a moment. “You’d really be okay with me and Steven fusing permanently?” Connie suddenly asked.

“When you’re older? Probably!” she decided. “I don’t know if I’ve given it enough thought. But now?” Priyanka put a hand to her chin, assessing. “I mean I suppose realistically I can’t set any kind of arbitrary limit on precisely how often you have to be unfused,” she brought her hand out in a ‘stop’ motion, “but I’m going to want to see my daughter on a regular basis for a couple more years at least!”

Connie grinned. “Yeah, if that ever happens at all, it’s not happening in the next few years,” Connie agreed.

Priyanka put a hand on Connie’s shoulder. “Whatever happens,” her mother assured her, “I want to support you. As long as you’re moving with clear eyes, I’ll be proud of whatever you do with your life. I’m already so proud of you, Connie. You’ve become a remarkable young woman.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Connie leaned forward slightly, enjoying this emotionally warm moment. Not really unusual, but rare enough opportunities that Connie made sure to appreciate them. But something her mother had said made her stir, sitting up and raising an arm in front of her. “By the way, speaking of being clear-eyed,” she said, pointing up toward the wall, “not that either of you knew about it at the time, but I picked this bench because it’s where Dad picked me up the day Steven healed my eyes.”

Her mother’s eyes widened slightly in recognition. “I see!”

Connie opened up the box of pizza, which was mostly lukewarm at this point, and took out another slice. “I t’ink I’m rea’y ‘o go ‘ome,” she said, talking with her mouth full – which she suddenly realized was not something she usually did in front of her mother. She raised a hand to cover her mouth. But if it bothered Priyanka, she didn’t show it. Connie swallowed the bite and continued, “Dad’s gonna be gone all night, right? Do you think we can talk some more when we get home? I don’t wanna keep you up too late.”

“I’m taking tomorrow off, honey, and it’s not even seven: I’ve got time for you.”

Connie was feeling grateful. . . and actually little pissed off for some reason?. . . and confused. This hadn’t gone at all the way she’d expected it to. She wasn’t sure exactly what about it made her mad, though. She just tried to focus on the grateful for now. “Okay, let’s go.”

Chapter Text

They’d driven home listening to music – Connie got to pick, though she didn’t pick exactly what she wanted – and not really talking. Now, they were sitting in their living room, both with cups of tea in their hands. A surprisingly calm storm had blown in pretty suddenly on their way home. It was still drizzling a little outside, and they sat in the comfortable glow of a single lamp. Priyanka was wearing a set of formal PJ’s – it even had the little hat, though she wasn’t wearing it – in her preferred shade of light blue. Connie had changed into a dark grey hoodie/sweatpant combo she’d gotten recently. They sat quietly listening to the patter of the droplets. But then Priyanka finished a drink of her tea and nodded at her daughter, signalling that she was ready if she was.

Connie nodded back, setting her cup on the little table in the corner between them. “I keep talking about the last two-three years like they’ve been my whole life.” She settled in and leaned back a bit more. “And they kinda were? I did get swept up by my magical boyfriend,” she admitted. “I think it was inevitable. When I look back at it all now, it doesn’t really feel like I’ve had much agency: like of course this is how all of this had to unfold, from the moment I met Steven.” Her head shook slightly. “It’s just who I was, who I am, who I would always want and choose to be. It was the life I’d dreamed of, and I never thought it could come true. So the moment it did come true, everything else took a back seat. And I guess I should be grateful that my dream life of magical adventure just fell into my lap? But lately I don’t trust it.” She shook her head slightly. “Or more precisely, I do trust it, but I’m worried that I shouldn’t. I feel like I should be fighting like mad against the tide I got swept into – but no,” she corrected herself again, “that’s not true either. I think I should be fighting like mad. I feel . . .” she looked toward the floor, “lots of different ways: like I’m a silly little girl playing hyper-traumatic make-believe over the kind of relationship Steven and I have – that one’s fun because it works whether I’m feeling good or bad about it – feel like I’ve been deeply cursed, like I’m the absolute luckiest person in the world, like I’m undeserving of that luck. . . Like all the bad things that have happened to me were the price of being a bad person and having such a good life.” 

Connie turned to look up at her mother, who sat neutrally, listening. She felt a surge of gratitude, tears started to form behind her eyes. She looked out the window. “Mom I’m so sorry that your only child is such a liar, and that I spent so long lying to you.” She glanced at the floor, then at her mom, then back out the window. “I want you to know that it wasn’t Steven’s fault. I mean, that I lied before I met him. Smaller lies back then. About how my day went and stuff. . . “ She sat up straighter and pointed a finger at her eye socket. “But the lying did really take off the day he healed my eyes. He’d just changed my body, completely by accident. A miracle, magic – not something I thought I could get permission to be involved with. He had no idea what he’d done: he just saw it as another one of his magical powers manifesting, which was his part of the story. My part is how I researched optometry tests so that I would know how to convincingly fake my next appointment.” Connie was quiet for a moment. “I never thought you would’ve let me continue seeing Steven if you knew what that brought with it. It felt like I didn’t have a choice. It still feels that way. But I know better now: I had a choice, it was just the choice I was always going to make.”

Connie took a deep breath, and then turned to face her mother again. “But despite all that, I’ve been wanting to ask: why’d you let me do it? When you found out about everything, that night at the hospital with the gem mutants, you could’ve said no, and it might not have been what I wanted but it might have kept me from. . . A lot of really heavy stuff. I know I’m responsible, but I’m still surprised you didn’t try to stop me. Why didn’t you?”

Priyanka took another sip of her tea then set it down. Connie picked hers up and took another sip as her mother started to answer, “I can’t try and justify anything, I won’t evaluate each and every decision and the impact it had. But I suppose you deserve some explanation. Hmm. . .” She considered how to start.

“The first time you mentioned Steven to either of us, you said you wanted to go see a movie with someone you met on the beach. All you told us was that he was, quote, ‘incred–  – er, interesting’,” she quoted in her Connie impersonation, making Connie sheepishly grin, “and that his dad owned the carwash at Beach City. We were thrilled that you’d finally made a friend, feeling really grateful that we’d been able to commit to staying in the area. So even though I had no idea who this kid was, I trusted your judgment. But I also gave you all kinds of rules, I know – a lot of those are practical pieces of advice I still stand by! You don’t need to buy snacks at the movie theater!” She winked. “But honestly, I think a lot of my motivation boiled down to, one: it felt like a good parent should have a lot of good, thoughtful rules for their child, especially if that child will be spending so much time alone; and two: some part of me thought that if you had rules floating over your head, it would remind you to make good decisions. I wish you hadn’t spent so much time alone, honey, I know that’s been hard on you.” Her mother looked away. “Making sure that your material needs weren’t going to be an issue, given the financial situation we were in when you were born, was always going to require your father and I to work long hours. We could have prioritized things differently, perhaps.”

Priyanka looked back up. “But I’m getting sidetracked,” she went on. “The movie went well, and you two kept spending time together, so I decided it was well past time to learn more about what things were actually like at the Universe residence. At the time,” raised her eyebrows slightly at her daughter, “I was under the impression that you were at a fairly normal house where Steven lived with his mom and dad. But I’d noticed how you didn’t talk much about his mom. So I asked to speak to his parents – that must have been Garnet who answered the phone, right?” Connie nodded. Her mother stiffened even further than usual, and deepened her voice, impersonating Garnet: “‘The children are playing swords. Oh no! They are dead. Don’t call back.’” All of Priyanka’s impressions are great. “I was so confused – I thought you’d handed it to some other friend who was over there, and that they were just being silly. Come to think of it. . . how did you try to explain it? I’m not trying to weedle you, I truly don’t recall.”

“That’s because I waited for the perfect moment to deftly distract you with the idea that you should meet Steven’s parents,” Connie admitted.

“That was your idea!?” Priyanka was stunned.

“Well I knew something would have to happen!” she said somewhat defensively. “And I really didn’t know how to explain why Garnet would do that because I didn’t know why Garnet would do that.” She grinned. “Now I understand how put on the spot and out of her element she must’ve felt.” She shook her head. “Anyway, yeah, I orchestrated the whole thing. And I told Steven the lie I’d told you, and told him that if he didn’t play along you weren’t going to let us hang out anymore, so I told him to bring one of the gems to be his mom. But he just couldn’t decide–-”

“Right,” Priyanka cut in, “and this was the first moment I had any idea what you’d gotten yourself into. Greg walked up with this gigantic woman. . . Your father and I would later remark on how we just sort of fell back on pretending everything was normal,” her face twisted up a little, “but later that night we held each other to feel something solid while we reassured each other that the giant woman splitting into three smaller women wasn’t some kind of fever dream.” She arched her eyebrows high. “And during dinner, Steven and – Alexandrite?” Connie nodded. “Steven and Alexandrite were both acting weird, Greg seemed just as uncomfortable as we did, and you – you were furious!” she laughed.

“I thought the jig was up!” Connie explained, lifting her arms up for emphasis. “Which meant I had to run away, which I didn’t want to do!”

Priyanka sighed. “That’s part of the answer to your question though, Connie: because of the way you reacted that day, we knew that you were willing to literally run away to be with this boy.”

“. . . Oh.” She honestly hadn’t thought of it that way. She sat back a little, not deflated exactly, but introspective.

“Well and we told some lies to ourselves too, your dad and I. That you must have been confused about the exact structure of Steven’s family. That whatever bizarre alien or minor gods you had stumbled into –”

“Were those actually your two guesses?”

“That or witches!” Dr. Maheswaran laughed, perhaps slightly manic. “All we really knew is that your friend’s mothers shouldn’t exist, in the worldview we had at the time. We didn’t really let ourselves admit that we were just accepting it, so instead of healthily integrating this information and talking with them directly about it. . . I sent your dad to go spy on the Gems.”

“You WHAT ? ” Connie had zero idea about this.

“We still had no idea what was going on!” Now it was Priyanka's turn to get a little defensive. “When we realized they lived in a temple, your dad and I really did spend a day or two wondering if they really were some sort of avatars. Even if you hadn’t been involved, I think I would’ve wanted to know more! But yes, and that’s how we learned that Steven was magic too: they were playing shapeshifting tag–”

“Steven Tag?”

“Right, that – and your dad saw him use his shield. But, we could tell how genuinely the Gems looked after Steven, so we just assumed that he had the ‘magic’ or whatever, sure, but it looked like he was having a pretty normal childhood. Such a bright boy. . . it never would’ve occurred to me that he wasn’t in school. So we decided to keep an eye on things, yes. But you always did everything we asked of you – everything but be completely honest with us, but,” she hurried past, “we’ve had that conversation and we’ll have it again later I’m sure, now’s not the time. We decided to trust your judgment about being friends with Steven. We thought that you would come to us if you were in a bad situation. And we liked what we saw and heard talking to Greg and Steven that time they stayed over during that storm. But then we heard the news about the giant green hand that crashed into Beach City. And we noticed you were inconsolable, and not able to get a-hold of Steven. We put two and two together pretty quickly. And that’s really when we should’ve come to talk to you, but. . .” She clearly looked a little pained. “My thoughts shift around on why we didn’t. Because it would have meant admitting to ourselves and to you that we’d already noticed you lying to us and hadn’t said anything? Because we realized in an indirect way that our lives – the whole planet, really – were going to be deeply affected by your friend and his family? Because we just didn’t know how to process it? It all just seemed so impossible. And because I was working too much, so that made it easier to ignore.” She shook her head. “I just kept hoping that you were keeping on the sidelines, that you were being shielded from whatever was going on.

Priyanka suddenly shifted her tone: “I actually wanted to ask you something: do you think the Gems could have. . .  kept him safer?”

Connie lifted her leg and curled it into her, resting her foot on the couch, straightening up slightly as she hugged the leg. “I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve gotten enough distance from all of it yet, but that’s a question I think about. Obviously.” She considered the problem afresh. “I think probably they could have spared him some scars, yes. But not all of it. He almost certainly, actually was the only one who could have stopped the Cluster from taking its original intended form, and if he hadn’t, he would have died along with the entire planet. And yeah the Diamonds weren’t Steven’s responsibility, and the Gems probably could have tried to keep him out of things. . . but I don’t think it would have worked. The Diamonds easily could have destroyed the planet in a blind rage before they even realized that their precious Pink Diamond had been there the whole time.” Connie sighed. “There is still a lot the Gems could’ve done differently. Things I guess we should probably talk about with them. But Steven was involved from the moment he started existing, and that’s not the Gem’s fault, it’s not even his mom’s fault – it’s just the way it was.” Connie tried to read her mother’s expression. “I bet examining him wasn’t easy, was it?”

“Connie, you know I can’t disc–”

“You saw someone with signs of severe PTSD, I imagine he listed several horrible things that happened in his life, lots of emotional distress but I imagine in fairly decent physical health. . . except for the swelling.” She paused for a moment. “Do his fractures show up on x-rays?” she asked. She had a hunch, and she’d thought a lot about it.

If Priyanka’s head tilted slightly forward in that moment, it was barely perceptible to anyone. If Connie thought she perceived any sort of nod in that moment, she didn’t react to it.

“I bet examining him wasn’t easy, was it?” Connie repeated.

“. . . No it wasn’t,” she said quickly.

“You should finish your story,” Connie prompted her. “This is helping. I want to hear the rest.”

“Well,” her mother went on, sighing, “we noticed you were spending a lot of time over at his house ever since the Green Hand Incident. We were still” she spun her hand in a circle, “you know, pretending that we’d all been doing everything we’re supposed to, and doing it right, and that you were only spending time with a good friend, that you were being honest and that we were doing a good job keeping your life under control. And then I walked into my living room one day, and I found my daughter trying to hide a giant sword in the living room. And I had just pulled a twelve-hour shift and I was exhausted and then I needed to go right back, and I. . .” She had an uncharacteristic stammer as she reflected. “I-I didn’t even let myself think any further than ‘get the sword away from her,’ because I knew that when I got home. . . ‘the jig was up.’” 

Connie grinned at the call-back.

“And then you showed up at the hospital,” Priyanka went on, “and I couldn’t believe it! I was really worried at that point, Connie! That you were willing to so flagrantly disobey me over a sword? I thought Steven might be making you do things you didn’t want to do! And then when we were in the bubble, and Steven told me that you’d been learning how to properly wield a sword. . .” More of the pain she’d been showing earlier spilled onto Priyanka’s face. “I felt like such a failure. Because even though I knew that I should be keeping a close eye on you, I still somehow missed this. Because we’d let things get to the point where you were keeping so much hidden from us. It was foolish of me to waste time like that in the moment, though. I knew when you said it that you meant it, and I should have handed you your sword.” A strange mix of sadness and pride washed over Connie’s mother. “I was blown away by how you handled that situation. That was one of the few times I felt how your dad can get about it all sometimes.” She grinned. “You were telling me that Stevonnie is a badass: you, Connie Maheswaran, you are a badass.”

“Mom!” Connie had heard her mother curse maybe twice, both times when she didn’t know she was being overheard. She grinned and got a little bashful.

“Those gem monsters didn’t get into the hospital because of Steven.” Priyanka went on. “So that really made me confront how this was a threat that was coming whether you were with Steven or not. And you’d demonstrated pretty decisively that you were with Steven, and that you would lie or steal or run away if that’s what it took to be with him. I didn’t think I could stop you. And if I’m being honest. . . " she hesitated, but decided it was important to admit, "I knew that what was happening in Steven’s life was important for the wellbeing of the earth, and I knew that if you were there, their missions were more likely to succeed.” 

That made Connie remember something, {{”She's been making great strides, Steven,” Pearl had once said to Steven. She's going to be an asset to you.” Connie’s heart had raced at her teacher’s praise. She’d channeled the energy into a stoic face, grunting slightly as she straightened her posture. And then the warp pad took them into the sky.}}

Connie’s face hardened and she looked disbelievingly at her mother. “Et tu, Mater?” she paraphrased the old quote of betrayal.

Priyanka’s eyebrows shot up, and she sat up a little straighter.

“I thought that even though every other authority figure in my life was excited to watch me put myself in harm’s way for the good of earth, you wouldn’t see me as a resource whose value comes from how much I can help Steven!” Connie surprised herself with her intensity.

“Whoa, time out!” Dr. Maheswaran made the sign with her hands. “I think it would be hard to say there was no self-interest involved. But you know that for me, you are beyond value, you are priceless even if you’re never useful or helpful to anyone ever again another day in your life, because you are my daughter and I love you and you have already done more good in your short life than most people do in a lifetime. And also: I never saw you as Steven’s servant or sidekick, Connie. You two are colleagues. And dear friends.” She smiled playfully. “And occasionally my favorite fusion. So no, I didn’t hope you’d make yourself useful to Steven , honey. I feared that the planet was in mortal danger, and I hoped that you could help.”

“But why us?” Connie demanded, “Why these two kids? Why did it have to be our job to save the world? Why did everyone want us to?”

Priyanka’s shoulders slumped slightly. “It didn’t have to be you two. But based on your own logic from earlier, it was going to be you two no matter what, because that’s just who the two of you are. All Steven had to do was be his mother’s son to be involved, but then also, being Steven meant he was always going to want to open his heart for the good of the world, even if the Gems had encouraged him to focus on his own happiness. Then all you had to do was meet Steven – and that’s enough to get almost any person involved, but the fact that it was you specifically. . . is there ever really a world where you just lean back and let Steven handle it all alone?” She locked eyes with her daughter, who shook her head slightly. “Keeping a safe distance would have meant that you couldn’t be there when the important things needed to happen so you could do it yourself if necessary. That doesn’t sound like you at all,” she smirked. “And if I’d pushed hard against it, you would’ve pushed back even harder. I tried to hold on to normal for too long though. I am sorry about that. That night at the hospital was not the first time we should have talked about all this. And after hearing some. . . interesting experiences from a patient today. . . I think that you’ve still been trying to spare my feelings. Or still worried that I’m going to pull the plug on your friendship. Not big lies, lies of omission. You’ve been through a lot more than I know, haven’t you?”

Connie tensed up, considering something. After a few moments she asked, “Can I tell you about it?”

“Of course.”

“I mean, all of it,” she clarified.

Her mother nodded in understanding. “It’s not that late,” her mother reached over and picked up her cup, “my tea is well-caffeinated. I didn’t protect you from these things. If you want to tell me all about them, I would be honored to listen.”

Chapter Text

Connie was almost crying – unheard of almost any time, let alone in front of her mother. “The very first time we met he could’ve gotten us both killed,” she started quickly, as if a dammed river had finally been given permission to flow. 

Priyanka hadn’t been expecting Connie to start so suddenly, but she recovered quickly; she shifted and finished the sip of tea she was having, being careful to set the cup back down softly. 

“Though he did probably save my life the precise moment we met, actually,” Connie continued. “He was trying to work up the courage to say hi to me, and there just happened to be a tremor, and a rock fell and  almost crushed me. But then Steven ran, threw himself onto me, and his bubble activated, and the rock hit the bubble instead, breaking off harmlessly. But then he didn’t really know how to control it, and he couldn’t make it go away. We spent a lot of time trying,” she thought of how best to summarize it, “various dangerous ways of popping the bubble, and eventually a roller-coaster flung us both into the middle of the ocean and down to the bottom of the sea. Where there was a giant gem monster. The bubble finally popped while we were down there, and we both nearly drowned at the bottom of the ocean.”

“He didn’t tell me you were there.” Priyanka half-whispered. But then she realized she'd have to be a bit more stoic if they were going to get through this.

Connie didn’t respond to any of that. “But he beat up the monster, and he was magical and he seemed loving and sweet, if a little naive.” She grinned wide. “I was hooked from day one. And I was in pretty constant danger from day one, too. That movie we went to see? Lion took us, but for some reason first he brought us to a gem armory – I think Steven said he wanted to see some explosions, maybe? He’d been talking about the movie. And we ended up having to run from this fireball-shooting robot, and that was when Lion gave Steven and me my sword – back when it was definitely still Rose’s sword. Tennis practice saved the day – ‘overhand death strike.’” She was still smiling, shaking her head at the memory. “Somehow the movie managed to be exciting even after all that action. Then next. . . Right, so, when you and I got pizza earlier, I mentioned that the bench we’d been eating at was where I went to think after Steven healed my eyes. I sat there for over an hour, mostly just staring at the wall, thinking about how deep in it I already was, and how much deeper I wanted to go. All the way down the rabbit-hole, no second-thoughts. And then the next weekend I nearly drown again. Well I do drown again, but I live through it.” She said it far too casually, clearly trying to minimize something that weighed on her.

“Oh,” Priyanka let out a slight gasp.

“Have you met Lapis Lazuli?” she asked.

“The one who took the oceans? I don’t think so.”

“Mom,” Connie changed subjects very abruptly, seeming almost to somehow wake up a little, “how did the news cover that?” At the time, she’d been too preoccupied reliving that horrifying moment over and over, not leaving much time for watching cable news.

“It mostly didn’t,” Dr. Maheswaran recalled. “A bunch of hand-waving about tsunamis and climate change.”

“That’s what I figured,” she nodded, as if something had been confirmed. “Mom: the world does its best to ignore Gem stuff all the time. You shouldn’t beat yourself up over the time it took you to start facing it. It amazes me how slowly news about actual aliens has trickled out. Clearly it’s a lot for anyone to handle.”

Priyanka smiled slightly. “You don’t need to try and make me feel better, but that’s thoughtful of you to say, dear, thank you.”

“We were at the bottom of a pillar of water stretching past the sky,” Connie suddenly continued, as if she hadn’t gone off on a tangent at all. “And Lapis didn’t really know how to be gentle with organic life. She just wanted to be left alone. Eventually she just grabbed us by our heads. With her water. An orb pressing down from all directions, smothering me.” She felt a wave of nausea, and clenched through it. “I’ll never forget feeling my lungs fill with saltwater once I couldn’t hold my breath any longer. I thought I was about to die. Greg saved us, actually: drove the van between us and Lapis. I was coughing up seawater and trying to find my breath again, and all this was enough to wake up more of Steven’s powers, so then he went up to talk to Lapis alone. And then she flew off and the pillar dissolved, almost drowning us all again, and dropping Steven down to the earth – Lion and I warped up into the sky to catch him.” Her face had gone vacant, clearly remembering the moment in great detail, the way the wind had whipped past them, cold saltwater rushing to the ground all around them, the feeling of gripping tightly onto Lion’s back for dear life. “But now. . .” Connie went on, “Lapis and I are friends. And I honestly have a weird maybe-crush on her? And I also find her intimidating, but kinda childish sometimes. . . That’s really complicated, I don’t wanna get into that yet. This is kinda therapy for me, sorry. Oh. . . '' Connie quickly followed up, wanting to ignore those last few comments, going to the next memory in her mind. “I don’t know if you know the first time Steven and I fused.”

“This was before the Green Hand?” her mother asked.

“Yeah it was,” Connie grinned. “Stevonnie’s been around for a long time, Mom! But that first time was accidental. It was incredible – none of us knew it was even possible, Garnet was the only one who felt certain that Steven would be able to fuse at all, and she didn’t think he’d fuse with me, or with any human! As disorienting as it was to accidentally become a fusion, we fell in love with ourself very quickly. There were a few weird moments but we mostly had a great time. But that night we went to a rave.”

Priyanka put her head in her hands for a moment, as Connie quickly continued, “It was more like a bunch of 17-20 year olds dancing while Sour Cream did his thing, not like a rave-rave, no big bowls of pills or whatever you’re picturing, no drinking -- I don't even remember there being a group smoking pot outside. Very, very vanilla,” they assessed sincerely. Priyanka sat back up but still looked skeptical. Connie continued, “And it could’ve been fun. Maybe. I was definitely starting to have a panic attack, but somehow we didn’t split right then and there. But then some creep showed up – not like, that kind of creep,” she reassured her mother, seeing the look of abject horror on her face, “no one knew who Stevonnie was, people thought we were like 19-20. He had no idea who Steven and I were, let alone that we might be the woman-ish person he was talking to – he nope’d out of there when we de-fused; the look on his face was priceless.” Connie smiled. “But the way he treated Stevonnie. . . he just didn’t really care that we weren’t into him at all.” She hugged her arms around herself. “He was in awe, because obviously .” Priyanka grinned and rolled her eyes at that. “But that awe didn't mean he respected us at all,” Connie frowned. “He just saw us as an opportunity to feel better than everyone else. And eventually I just got angry and started making Stevonnie dance like some kind of wild animal, and Steven just kinda stopped feeling it and all of a sudden we were separated on the dance floor. And that was the first time Stevonnie existed.”

Priyanka absorbed all that. “So the other day at the roller rink was an even bigger deal than I realized,” she remarked. “They’ve come a long way with their social anxiety!”

“I hadn’t really thought of it that way,” Connie told her. “But wow, yeah. . . you’re right.” Connie sat thinking for a moment. “Mom. . .” she said eventually, “thank you for this." She looked so fragile right now -- Priyanka hadn't seen her daughter letting her guard down in far too long, and she was so grateful. "I’m not done," Connie continued, "But I just wanted to – I needed this. Thank you.”

Priyanka nodded and smiled.

Connie didn't wait long before she started up again. “You already know pretty much the whole story of Steven getting abducted and trying to end our friendship. But what happened after that. . . Oh Mom,” Connie started to get tight again. “Mom, I want to tell you about this, but I don’t want to do it here,” she realized, shaking her head with a distressing amount of force. “I don’t want to have the memory of having that conversation in this room. I know this is kind of ridiculous, but. . . . Can we go somewhere I won’t necessarily want to go again? Is that okay?”

Priyanka didn’t miss a beat. “That Waffle Dome is moving to a new building, I don’t think the current one will exist for much longer. How does that sound?”

“Can I get waffles?” She perked up. “I don’t know how, but I’m still hungry.” The insistence of her appetite was one of Connie's least favorite things about being an adolescent.

“Of course you can get waffles,” her mother laughed. All three of the Maheswaran’s knew how to cook – well. But they also really loved going to restaurants together. (If ‘Waffle Dome’ counts as a restaurant.)

Connie giggled. “Okay. Wait,” she frowned, “no. I’m not going to actually want to talk about this stuff in a room full of strangers, either. Duh. Sorry, i should've. . .  And I don’t want to talk about it in the car for the same reason I don’t want to talk about it here.”

Priyanka thought for a moment. “Can I get us a motel?” she asked.

Connie looked skeptical. “Rent a room just to have a part of a conversation in?”

“If it’s going to make you more comfortable it’s the best $60 I’ll spend all year.”

Connie felt a little overwhelmed.

“And yes we can still get waffles.”

Hard to say no to that.

Chapter Text

It was getting late by the time they got settled in, but Connie seemed wide awake as she scarfed down chicken and waffles, and Priyanka was already halfway through her to-go cup of black diner coffee. They were giving themselves a little break, mostly on their phones, though Priyanka noticed her daughter stop and just stare at the wall a few times. Connie was stretched out with her feet up on the bed, resting with her back against the headboard, still wearing the sweats she’d had on earlier. Her mother, seated on a wooden chair to Connie’s right, had switched to classic mom jeans and an olive green blouse. The room was poorly lit and smelled too strongly of cleaning chemicals, but was otherwise a perfectly serviceable room for the occasion. Connie was feeling fairly overwhelmed by this level of care and concern. It wasn’t because she worried she didn’t deserve it; she just truly wasn’t used to this kind of care from her mother, and it was throwing her off.

After she’d gotten most of the way through her late-night breakfast-dinner, she set her phone down, and when Priyanka noticed she did the same. 

“So. . .” Connie began, “Yeah this is the hard part. It might not even be the worst thing that’s happened to me, but it’s probably the thing that’s done the most damage over time, and the thing I feel I still have the most work to heal from.” Her face tightened. “I haven’t talked to Steven about it in a long time. I think I’m about ready for that. But I’m not ready to talk to anyone else about this. And definitely not her. Not Pearl.”

Dr. Maheswaran felt her heart rate increase, and did her best not to let it show.

“I know you two have gotten to know each other better,” Connie went on. “I used to think she probably sugarcoated the risks of our missions with you, but I don’t think that anymore.”

“She did not,” Priyanka confirmed, without elaborating.

“I don't want you to. . . She's still my friend, Mom. . . I think? I don't know. . ." she struggled to articulate what she was asking for.

Priyanka nodded, fairly certain she knew what Connie was driving at. "I can leave it between you two." //Probably// the concerned mother thought to herself. There was a line, somewhere. Priyanka didn't know where it was, and she could keep it far, for her daughter's sake. But she'd know it when she saw it.

Connie sighed. "Thank you. She’s changed a lot since I’ve known her. She’s so good, Mom, and I love her and I admire her. And that makes it worse!” Connie’s voice raised, she tensed slightly. “I wish I could just hate her, I wish I could just hate her and hurt her back.”

Priyanka’s mind was going a mile a minute presenting her with possibilities, but she tried to focus on just listening to her daughter.

“So you said you noticed how much time I spent at Steven’s after he got abducted. That’s when I started training to be a knight, when I was ‘sworn to the sword.’” She curled her legs in and hugged herself. “Steven was my liege, Pearl my teacher and master. And it was fun at first, right? Because it’s just like all the books I’d read, only this time I got to be the warrior fighting for a cause.” She uncurled slightly to assume a more Pearl-like posture, quoting: “‘A cause, and a person.’ And of course,” she went on, making concessions for Pearl with habitual ease, “she did teach me how to wield that gigantic sword with expert proficiency, and other weapons too, improvised ones, and hand-to-hand combat.  In many ways she was an excellent teacher. Her training has saved my life over and over and over. And I got good. I had the talent, and I had a good teacher. But. . . Lemme explain this about Pearl, Mom: Pearl and her pearl cousins were originally made to be servants. Pearl didn’t just belong to some random sapphire, either: she was made especially for Pink Diamond, Steven’s mom -- well no," she corrected, "she was made for White Diamond, but she was given to Pink Diamond pretty early on. Pearl was her slave, Mom,” she put it bluntly. “Magically bound to her in obedience. And Pearl was always under threat in a society where imperfections were met with swift punishment, often death.” Connie seemed to struggle to find words. “I don’t know how you move forward from there into a healthy relationship. I don’t know if they really ever did. When she was with Rose, during the Gem War, Pearl was still completely codependent with her, no identity of her own, no vision of life other than Rose’s. She didn’t matter. Only Rose mattered. Then, when she died, all Pearl had left was her Rose’s son, so now only Steven mattered.

“And so,” Connie took a deep breath, “that’s what she taught me.” Her voice shook a little. “What she had me say and tell myself. Over and over, repeating it like a mantra.” She took another deep, quavering breath, trying to remind herself that what she was about to say wasn’t true: “‘I don’t matter. Only Steven matters.’” She stared down into her lap, avoiding her mother’s eyes. “For weeks it was like that. When I picture it now, I’m usually balancing on one of the pillars, staring off into the distant sky, repeating that lie with every breath. And even at the time. . . part of me knew it was brainwashing. And it worked. She. . . programmed me.” Her voice caught, and then she slammed her right first into the top of her leg, not-quite-yelling, “And it’s made everything else so complicated and I hate her for it!” She took a heavy breath and quickly continued more quietly, “Steven eventually realized what none of Gems did, that I was being abused and I needed help. And he never had bought into that stuff. I don’t blame him for it.” Connie considered this. “Maybe a little sometimes. But, anyway, Pearl stopped teaching me that I was worthless, and later she gave a general kind of apology, and she really did pivot to a much healthier mindset for both of us. But I never did any work to really de-program, and Pearl and Steven helped counter-program but not really de- program, and so. . . it didn’t really ever go away. I’ve come a long way but I’ll still catch myself thinking like that sometimes. I– I don’t even know if Pearl realizes the extent of how it’s influenced me. ”

Connie looked over and saw her mother sadly observing her. She read it as pity, and crossed her arms, her face hardening slightly. Neither of them said anything for a moment. “I should have known better,” Connie told her. “I did know better, and I let myself get carried into it all anyway. I wanted to be a warrior. I wanted to protect the earth, and I wanted to protect Steven. I wanted to help him, be by his side, saving the world together. I wanted in on all the magic and destiny. So I resolved to get through it anyway.” She softly grunted in frustration. “Probably should’ve given a thought to who I’d be on the other side. For a while, I thought I’d genuinely moved on. But eventually that old mantra started worming its way back into my head.” She was fidgeting with her hands now. “And the longer I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve become strained and anxious around Pearl, a mess of five thousand different conflicting emotions. I still see her as something of a senpai, I still yearn for her approval, I still admire the way she moves and the way she thinks and the way she fights. But I also loathe every trace of her dependency, despite how far she’s come. And anytime she has some casual human relationship, I always view it in the worst possible light – like she’s Rose, playing with her humans. I think that is probably true sometimes. I don’t think she’s been playing with me, but it’s easy to see it that way. I do yearn for her praise, I feel joy when I get it; but I get afraid every time, too, because I worry that she’s going to use that to manipulate me. I get twisted up in all these thoughts and feelings.

“Then I tell myself that’s in the past,” Connie went on, “remind myself of all the ways that Pearl has proven herself trustworthy since. But still, a few times I’ve had these awful thoughts. . . That I want to use the stance that she taught me and swing the sword that she trained me with and tear right through her – I’ve thought about the precise cut, even: down the shoulder and across the chest, coming out near the abdomen or even the hips.” Connie anxiously fidgeted with the hand on her knee. “And then she’d reform after a few weeks, and I’d do it again.” She stilled her hand, then shifted her posture a little, glancing directly into her mother’s eyes for a moment before looking off toward the other side of the room. “Anyway,” she said softly, “that’s why I was at Steven’s so much back then.” Her shoulders slumped slightly, and she slowly moved her eyes back toward her mother’s side of the room, not quite looking at her. She took a big breath in, then sighed to release it. They were both quiet for a little bit.

When Priyanka spoke, her voice wavered – started off choked: “I am so sorry that you went through that kind of abuse, Connie. What she did to you was wrong, and I don’t think you exaggerated any of that one bit.” Connie didn’t seem to react. Her mother continued, “Connie, you do matter. You matter so much. You are an amazing, beautiful, powerful, genius human being and you bring so much meaning and love into the world every day just by being yourself. There is nothing you’ve done to earn that, and there is nothing you could ever do to be undeserving. And look: the impact that you’ve had has mattered. You have literally saved the world . That matters! And your happiness matters. The way you throw yourself into your passions matters. The way you look out for people, even strangers: that matters. The joy you’ve gotten diving into books: that matters. The feeling of self-love and alertness you get when you’re well-rested and taking care of yourself: that matters too. The way you walk, the sound of your laughter, the intense life in your eyes: these all matter so much.” Priyanka locked eyes with Connie, overflowing with affection. “And you have always mattered, and you always will, not because of what you can do for others or the world, not because of what others think of you, not even because you matter to yourself – though that’s important too. You just do. You just do matter. There is nothing you could ever do to change that. And for what it’s worth: I love you so much. You matter to me.” 

Connie didn’t cry. But it did take her a while to catch her breath after that. And it was quiet for a long time before she had calmed down enough to talk again.

When she did, all she could say was, “Thank you.”

Priyanka sat and let Connie have a minute, then asked her, “Are you doing okay? If this is getting overwhelming, I’ll be home all day tomorrow too.”

“No no, this is good.” She nodded. “Really hard, but really good.” She locked eyes with her mother. “Are you doing okay? We’ve been talking for a really long time, it’s getting pretty late, I’m sure you have your own feelings to sort out. You’d tell me if you needed to tap out, right?”

“I would,” Priyanka assured her. “I’m doing fine. It is late, and I can’t say this hasn’t been a lot, but I have been a doctor working under those kinds of conditions your entire life.” She had a sly grin. “I’ll tell you if I’m reaching my limits, but I am not.” Priyanka’s face softened as she hesitated, then said, “Connie. . . I know you’re not used to getting this kind of attention from me, but you’ve been really concerned about my emotional well-being this whole time, and I think you’re worried I’m pushing myself as some kind of penance. I’m not.” Priyanka was about 95% sure she really meant that. “I’m not trying to make up for the kind of mother I’ve been in the past. I haven’t done enough of my own reckoning around all of that to even try, if I’m being honest. I tend to think I did. . . well enough. But this is an obvious opportunity to be the kind of mother I want to be today. So really: if you want to keep talking, we can keep talking – I don’t care if we’re up til noon, I’ve held weirder hours with much less pleasant company.”

A tear did actually manage to work its way out of Connie’s eye and roll down her face. “You put your finger right on it. Thank you, Mom.” She cleared her throat, not awkwardly, just out of necessity. “And I want to keep going. I want it all out of me. So tell me when you reach your limit, but yes: let me go use the bathroom, and then I guess I’ll continue the process of listing every messed up thing I’ve ever been through.”

Chapter Text

“So that was actually it for a little while,” Connie went on after they’d both gotten settled back in, still at the dingy motel together. “I can’t remember anything really happening between then and the night at the hospital with you and Steven. And then after that. . .” Her memories were coming up fairly mundane, until suddenly she remembered: “Oh my God there was the time that Steven turned back into a baby. I’d definitely repressed that one.”

Priyanka was beyond being surprised at this point, honestly. 

“He’d kinda stopped aging for a bit before he met me, and I learned about it the same moment he realized it was unusual, and we both freaked out a bit. So he tried to shapeshift himself like he was older. But eventually his body got so tired trying to hold the unfamiliar form that it just reverted backward. Hm. . .” Connie reflected. “I was a hundred percent on board to just start mothering him until he recovered. That’s how I calmed him down, actually, by telling him that. That’s. . . hm. . .” She moved on without finishing the thoughts.

“The first time Stevonnie ever drove the Dondai we raced that creep from the rave, Kevin.” (Priyanka had to strain to keep herself from freaking out that they had been driving.) “We were driving kinda recklessly,” Connie confessed, raising Priyanka’s blood pressure further, “and we were both so mad at him – Steven was leaning into it more than I was, but we were pretty in sync. Until we almost crashed the car. But we calmed down and finished the race safely and have definitely never ever driven above the speed limit ever since,” she assured her mother, who looked both skeptical and terrified, but said nothing. “Then there was my first mission, in the Great North, my very first battle – more like a few great dodges. Which definitely still counts. Then Stevonnie’s fight with Jasper was the next day.”

“I remember that,” Priyanka told her. “Pearl and I had conversations before and after all that.”

“I don’t think of that as being a particularly traumatic incident though honestly. Even though it was my first time in lethal combat. Though. . . it wasn’t too long after that that I flipped Jeff when he bumped into me in the hallway. That is not an untraumatized reaction. So.” She let the realization hang in the air. “Oh and also. . .” Connie looked toward the floor. “I still dream about this sometimes. . . Stevonnie fell off a ledge practicing after that incident, and we unfused, and we were both falling toward the ground, and Steven was in anguish because of – well, because of being Steven, you know. And he was too emotional to re-fuse but also wouldn’t really let himself go through the emotion so he was just constricted around it, and I had to talk him through opening to it before we could re-fuse and float safely to the ground.” She let out a deep, tense sigh. “That’s actually probably one I should talk to Steven about, huh?” she asked rhetorically. 

Priyanka didn’t let herself visibly react.

So Connie continued, “There’s nothing about Steven leaving me behind to try and save the day by himself by going to the trial on Homeworld that I haven’t told you already.” She sped up her voice here a little: ”I’ll be dealing with abandonment issues for years, ‘cet’ra-’cet’ra. And then,” she took a breath, “there was the Jungle Moon. Do you remember our friend Lars?”

Priyanka shook her head no.

“The guy Steven brought back to life, the space-captain?”

“Oh him , yes!”

Connie nodded. “We went to visit him while he was on his way home – he has a portal-dealy in his hair now, and it connects to Lion’s portal-dealy in his mane.” Lion had been spending a few nights a week at the Maheswaran house lately. His company was much-appreciated, and Connie realized she was a little bummed he wasn’t here tonight. She refocused: “So Steven and I were fused, Stevonnie’s flying a little skipper craft and we end up crash-landing on this. . . well, it was a jungle moon, so: hot, humid, lots of freaky dangerous life-forms –”

“There was carbon-based life on that moon?” Priyanka leaned forward, clearly excited.

“I mean, it was organic, certainly, yeah. Based on how little difficulty Stevonnie had with the local food I’d guess it must have been carbon-based.”

“Connie,” she said, doing her best to ignore that her magical half-child-in-law had eaten untested food on an alien planet, “Why haven’t I heard you mention that there is definitely alien organic life out there?”

“Oh,” Connie said earnestly, explaining matter-of-factly, “I figure something must have made White Diamond, right?”

“Oh.” Dr. Maheswaran considered this. “I mean, maybe. . . But still! That might not have been carbon-based organisms evolving outside of earth, this definitely was!” 

Her mother's energy was throwing Connie off – a very unusual tinge of giddiness. It was pleasant to see, but still caught her off guard. “No Mom, you’re right – life is definitely not unique to Earth, and that is probably a bigger deal than I’ve really been acting like, yeah.” She grinned. 

“I’m sorry,” she laughed, “Maybe not the biggest deal. Still,” she smiled, “that’s really comforting to know.” She sighed. “But anyway,” she shook her head slightly, “I’m so sorry that I interrupted.”

“No that was definitely worth it,” Connie laughed – a little anxiously, already diving back into memory. “The jungle moon,” she continued, her voice lowering. “We were stranded. We didn’t have enough food. We couldn’t really be sure we’d ever be rescued. I felt so unprepared.” Connie remembered the – the what, dysphoria-induced hallucination, probably? – that Stevonnie had gone through after shaving. She decided that was private to Steven. “The food stuff came up again months later, when I went to Homeworld for the first time.” She chuckled bitterly. “It was supposed to be a diplomatic mission, and it did start out that way. But Steven was trying to play by the rules of the nobility, so he threw this big, very formal ball, and we ended up dancing, and accidentally fusing into Stevonnie, which made White furious. We were thrown in prison.”

Priyanka stiffened.

“It was a really big, dark, empty room, Mom,” she told her. “And Steven’s mom. . . Pink Diamond. . . she had been locked up in that same room before. I hadn’t prepared for prolonged capture.” She stared up at the top of the wall opposite her, where it met the ceiling. “I’d at least thought to have some food on my person, but it wasn’t enough. . . All my worrying over food and we still almost starved.” She shook her head slightly. “We knew Steven had successfully reached out for help, but we didn’t know how long it would take. And it took a while. At least two days. But it was impossible to tell time, so I don’t really know how long we were there.”

Priyanka was wondering how they hadn’t died of thirst, because while she couldn’t know how much of Connie’s journey had been spent in prison, she did know she was gone for a week total. 

Connie was remembering the complicated mix of emotions the two of them had shared discovering that Steven’s healing powers kept him hydrated to a certain degree – still quite susceptible to heat stroke, and certainly not comfortable, but enough to stay alive. They’d fuse into Stevonnie for a few minutes, and when they’d come apart, Connie would be a little less thirsty. But while they were together, their shared hungers and thirsts had resonated with each other and overwhelmed them, so they’d only done it for a few minutes at a time.

“When we did finally get out,” Connie went on, “there was the fight with the Diamond-mech, which was. . . horrifying. But when we got into White Diamond’s head. . .” Connie closed her eyes, remembering. She shook her head. Then she froze, perfectly still. “White Diamond. . . she ripped Steven’s gem out of his body.” She decided she wasn’t going to describe this in much detail. “I thought he was dead, or going to die. All I could do was watch. But then I carried him – his human body – back to his gem, which we learned has Steven’s shape when they aren’t. . . fused, maybe question mark?” She shook her head again, still confused about what even happened, and moved on quickly. “So that was horrifying, but, all’s well that ends well, even bigger question mark?” She was clearly downplaying this event, trying to rush past it. “And so we got up to a lot in the next two years, but the stakes felt a lot lower most of the time. And ever since we got the Gempire cleaned up, I’ve slowly, actually started becoming a relatively normal highschooler – I mean, I’ll finish early, and I’m well on my way to having my bachelor’s degree before I turn 20, but being a serious student is still pretty normal compared to. . . everything else.” She frowned. “I didn’t realize that Steven was having such a hard time moving on, but of course he is. He’s been through so much, and he hasn’t had anyone to help him deal with this.” She caught her mother’s eyes. “Thank you,” she said simply.

“I love you, dear.”

“I love you too, Mom.” She was still with that for a moment. 

Connie felt exhausted. It felt so good to have so much off her chest at once. She’d always imagined her mother would explode if she knew everything, and she just. . . hadn’t! Connie felt proud of both of them for keeping it together.

Priyanka was a mess of emotions, but she knew how to handle them without crushing them down, while still not making them the problem of everyone else in the room – especially not her daughter. Priyanka possessed a physician’s practiced professional poise, after all. She did feel about at her limits, but she was starting to sense that they’d reached the end of Connie’s litany.

When she’d caught her breath a bit, Connie told her mom, “I think Steven probably needs to start going to therapy.”

“I think you probably need to start going to therapy!” Dr. Maheswaran replied, a little laughter in her voice.

Connie pretended like she hadn’t considered this. “Well, that might not be a bad idea, no. Though we’re going to need proof about all the magic stuff.”

“I’m sure we can manage that,” her mother assured her. “I have a few people I could recommend, but if you’d like to make your own selection that’s fine.”

“I wouldn’t mind a referral.”

“It’s not a referral,” Priyanka smirked, “I’m not your doctor.”

“I know, Mom.” Connie softly laughed. “I’m glad.” She sighed. “Oh!” Something occurred to her. “Mom, about Steven’s fractures. . . . You should probably run some x-rays on me. I. . . would like to know how well my bones have been healed. And if any need re-setting.”

Priyanka’s eyes widened. She nodded.

“So. . .“ Connie said after a few moments, “That’s, uh,” she hugged one arm across her chest and held the other arm, “that’s all the stuff that’s been heavy to hold.” She looked at her phone, and her eyes widened. “How is it only 3am?” she asked. “It feels like I’ve been talking for days!”

“You had a lot to get out, that’s okay,” Priyanka reassured her. “You shouldn’t have to hold this stuff on your own, and I’m glad I could help.”

Connie picked up her phone then, fiddled around for a moment, not paying much attention to what her fingers were doing. Then she set it back down and said, “Let’s go home, Mom.”