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Yeosang didn’t mean to do it. No, not really, and he swears it. It was…it was an accident. An unfortunate, terribly sad accident. Though could it really be an accident if he was the one to do it to himself? I guess, when you think about it, it could be seen as a tragedy.
Yeosang remembers the day in flashes. He remembered this intense weight just dragging him down that day. He remembered thinking that he was underwater. People sounding far away and yet standing right next to him. His stomach churned in uncomfortable circles as he paced back and forth. He thinks he cried that day, but he wasn’t so sure. He remembers feeling hopeless, and afraid.
The rest is blurry. He remembers going into the bathroom and punching the mirror. Looking at it gave him this sort of unchecked fury, unexplainable but it burned brighter than a thousand suns. Then he remembered being disgusted. And it hurts . It hurts like hell. He can vaguely recall picking up a fallen mirror shard.
The one thing he remembers vividly though is the fear that came after he’d done it. He remembers rushing around in the bathroom as he struggled to clean the fresh cuts on his skin, as he struggled to wrap the bandages around shaking hands, because if the hand tremors before weren’t bad then the shakes from blood loss were worse. He remembered taking countless towels and scrubbing at the bathroom tile for hours, trying to wash away blood that he would always see. He remembered it so clearly.
He remembered because he was doing it for Wooyoung. Well, in his mind, it was to protect the younger one. Because Wooyoung had made him promise to tell when he was having less than suitable feelings. Had made him promise to talk to him instead of…whatever this is. Had made him promise to…to not let these thoughts get the best of him. And for a while…he tried. He really did try, but it was just so hard not to let it get a hold of him. So, he resigned to feeling the heavy burden of guilt for letting Wooyoung down once again, the burning flame of anger for doing this to himself as Wooyoung’s heart bled for him, and the icy chill of complacency as he realized he’d spiraled into a dangerous cycle once again. That he’d do it over and over again, and simply prayed that Wooyoung, his brother, his soulmate, would never find out.
He was angry at himself for letting things get this far. He wanted to curse at the ceiling, punch a wall, but he didn’t. Because he’d done this to himself, he’d let himself get this far, but not any longer. No longer would he allow his feelings to reign over him. No longer would he allow this self-deprecating habit to take control of him. No longer would he stare his brother in the face and lie to him. Because it wasn’t fair. Not to Wooyoung…and not to him. They both deserved better.
So, what did he do? He walked out of the bathroom into the bedroom, and he walked over to Wooyoung’s side of the room and laid in his bed with him. If only he’d known, then what would happen next. He would have stopped himself from doing it, would have driven himself to the hospital, gotten his cuts checked out. But he had been a fool, and had thought he’d handled it. So, instead he laid in that bed, and he pulled Wooyoung close to him. He whispered promises to get better, whispered promises of all the fun times they would have together, whispered the promise that they’d spend their life together.
And then Yeosang went to sleep. And Wooyoung woke up. And there was blood everywhere. It coated his clothes and his sheets, and he was terrified. Completely and utterly terrified. And Yeosang remembered as he watched Wooyoung try to shake him awake. Tried to jerk his body this way and that and begged him to open his eyes. And he remembered the screams, oh god the screams. They’d never leave his memories. He remembered the others rushing into their room as they tried to find out what was going on. Because who screams at 3:00 in the morning if not for something so terrifying. Who screams so early in the morning unless their entire world has crumbled at their feet? Who screams like this so early in the morning, unless their heart has been viciously ripped out their chest, cut into millions of tiny pieces and forcibly glued right back into their chest in all the wrong places? Yeosang wanted to reach out to him, to hold him, to tell him that everything would be okay, that they would be okay. But how could he do that when he was the cause of those tears? When it was his body was laying there in Wooyoung’s arms, unresponsive. He was the reason that Wooyoung was hurting. This sweet, innocent person was hurting because of him.
How could he do that? How could he have been so cruel? He…he didn’t mean to. Really, it was all an accident. He watched as the others pried Wooyoung away from Yeosang’s body, as Yunho pulled Wooyoung, still screaming, to his chest. He watched Yunho stroke Wooyoung’s hair, backing him out of the room. He watched as the paramedics rushed into the dorm room and placed his body on a stretcher and covered it with a white cloth. He watched it all, frozen as it played out. It was like watching a movie only…he didn’t like the direction that this movie was taking. In some way it didn’t even feel real. It all seemed like some nightmare that he was to wake up from soon. He wished it was.
He would pinch his skin and squeeze his eyes shut, only to open them and have the same scene appear before him. Close…open…close…open. Still, he’d see the others screaming at each other in confusion, still he’d see the blood splotch that seeped onto the sheets of the bed, that stained Wooyoung’s clothes. Still, he’d see the utter disarray that had impacted the people he’d come to care for most in this entire world. He did this. Once again, he ruined everything. Is that all he’s good at? Ruining things for the people around him?
Maybe…maybe things were better off this way.
No…NO…snap out of it Yeosang. Again, with a self-deprecating spiel. When does it ever stop? When will he finally be able to get better? Why did he always find the negative in everything? Isn’t that what led him to this moment? When is enough ever enough? Yeosang sank to the floor, putting his head between his knees as he sobbed.
Why? Why him? Why did he do this? Why did this happen? When did it all get so out of hand?
Yeosang cried, he screamed, he took his hands and punched at the floor. How could he…why did he…when did it all get so bad? He didn’t know, he couldn’t answer, so he stayed on the floor and he cried. He cried and cried and cried, thinking about all the things he should have done, all the things he would never get to do. The wishes, the dreams that would never get fulfilled. All because of this stupid decision. All because of his actions.
“Yeosang,” he heard a voice call from beside him, “Yeosang, look at me.” He picked up his head and turned it to his left. He felt the sob get stuck in his throat as he recognized the person kneeling beside him.
“Juyoung.” He gasped out and then the tears fell like a waterfall. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Juyoung reached to cradle Yeosang against him, his heart breaking as he listened to the sobs of the person coming to join him. Another person who was gone too soon.
“Come on Sangie, I know a place we can go to.” It was at this point that the two started their new journey together. A broken heart mended and a broken mind healed. The pain of the two slowly began to fade away as time went on. Yeosang vowed to himself that he would watch over Wooyoung, that he wouldn’t let him do the same things he did, that he would be happy. Because he should have done that for himself in the first place. He wouldn’t let Wooyoung throw his life away just for him. It wouldn’t happen.
So when he saw Wooyoung on that bridge he couldn’t help himself. He knew he had to talk to him, to tell him he was okay. That he was finally happy. Because he was. For the first time in what felt like forever, Yeosang could finally lift his head with a smile and tell people he was happy.
He was happy…