Chapter Text
Caitlyn wasn’t sure when it started. This feeling.
She’s sure that it wasn’t the day they had met — that was a different feeling entirely. She had been crossing the street, stupidly not paying attention (off in her own world, as her mother so often described her as) and the woman had pulled her back split second before a cyclist had crashed right into her.
“You saved my life!” Caitlyn had exclaimed.
“Might be exaggerating a bit there, Cupcake. Saved you from a couple broken bones, maybe.” The woman replied with a laugh.
After thanking the woman — who’s name was Violet — profusely, she insisted on exchanging numbers so Caitlyn could buy her dinner as another thank you. The woman tried to insist that that wasn’t necessary, but when Caitlyn was determined she always got what she wanted. And she was adorable when she was stubborn, Violet decided, so why pass up free dinner?
Caitlyn wasn’t sure if the feeling started the next time she saw Violet, she didn’t think so, but it was possible. She was strangely nervous that night, and the nerves in her stomach were similar enough to that feeling that she couldn’t discern them in her memory.
“You look stunning, Cupcake,” Violet said as she took a seat at the fancy restaurant Caitlyn had reserved for them, “I feel a bit underdressed compared to you.”
“Nonsense! You look lovely,” Caitlyn replied, “And my name is Caitlyn, in case you forgot.”
“How could I ever forget?” Violet asked with a mischievous glint in her eye, “But I think Cupcake suits you much better.”
“But why?” Cait asked, an embarrassed blush gracing her cheeks.
Violet didn’t miss a beat when she said, “Because you’re sweet. Like a Cupcake.”
Maybe the feeling started then, Caitlyn thought, or maybe it was after Violet had walked her home and was standing outside her door looking so handsome, which is a word that she didn’t think would fit a lady but it fit Violet beautifully. Violet had told her how much she enjoyed their evening, but maybe next time they could do something more casual, and the whole night after that Caitlyn had been thinking about a next time.
Then again, maybe that was too early for the feeling. Caitlyn knew she had only felt it recently, and she had known Violet for several months now; it was difficult to pinpoint just when exactly it started.
She thought that maybe it started the first time Violet came over to her apartment. The pink haired woman had brought microwave popcorn and a boxed dvd set of her favorite tv show to share with Cait. The show was most definitely made for children, but Caitlyn enjoyed it nonetheless because she was watching it with her friend.
“But how did he survive for 100 years?” Caitlyn asked.
“Cause of the air bubble! So he wouldn’t drown,” Violet replied, her mouth freshly stuffed with buttery popcorn.
“But he hasn’t eaten! He would’ve starved before he drowned,” Caitlyn said, exasperated.
“You’re thinking too hard, Cupcake!” Violet said with such a childlike laugh that Cait couldn’t help but laugh too. Their laughter was abruptly interrupted by a loud beep from Caitlyn’s cellphone.
“Who’s that?” Violet asked, leaning over Caitlyn’s shoulder to be nosey.
“Ugh, just my ex. He won’t leave me alone,” Caitlyn replied, clearly annoyed. She flipped her phone back shut, and tossed it on the blankets they had set up on the floor. When Violet didn’t respond, Caitlyn turned to her lady friend and found a blank expression that she couldn’t discern. Violet abruptly got up and said she needed to use the bathroom, and Caitlyn felt her stomach drop. Violet had returned a few minutes later, and denied Caitlyn’s worries, stating that she was fine, but the rest of the evening felt… flat.
Caitlyn had been worried for a while after that, and now wondered if that was the feeling she felt now? But no, that was a bad feeling, and this was… well she wasn’t sure what type of feeling it was, but she didn’t think it was bad?
That feeling, the bad one, was quickly squashed a few days later when Caitlyn and Violet hung out again, and Violet’s spirits seemed to be back to normal, Caitlyn quickly forgetting about the mishap at their movie night.
The more Caitlyn thought about it, she thinks that this feeling started one night about a month later when Violet had stumbled into her apartment after a panicked call at one in the morning. She wouldn’t tell Caitlyn what was wrong, just that she needed company and Caitlyn was more than happy to have her over.
Caitlyn took one look at Violet and wordlessly opened her arms; the other woman rushing into the hug, her eyes overflowing with tears.
Violet still refused to say even a word, so Caitlyn made her a hot tea and sat the two of them down on her couch. The pink haired girl sipped the drink briskly, her tears finally slowing, but not completely stopped.
Caitlyn allowed her to take her time drinking, hoping she might shed some light on the situation, but even after finishing the tea, she still just sat there, looking bone-tired.
“Come on, let’s get you to bed,” Caitlyn said, helping Violet off the couch. But when she started to walk towards her bedroom, Violet stopped and choked back another sob.
“Violet, darling, what’s wrong?” Caitlyn asked worriedly, walking over to her friend and putting her hands on the side of her face.
“I c-can’t intrude on you, I should j-just go home,” Violet sobbed, trying to turn around but Caitlyn wouldn’t let her, forcing her to look her in the eyes.
“Absolutely not. I’m always happy to have your company,” she said, gently leading them down the hall into her bedroom. She was amazed how small Violet seemed right now; she was normally so strong and confident, but Caitlyn was glad that she was comfortable enough to show her vulnerability.
“There you go,” Caitlyn said as she guided Violet into her bed before crawling in next to her.
“I can sleep on the floor—” Violet began before Caitlyn pulled her closer into herself.
“Shh,” she said, trying to get the girl to relax, “You just have a bad case of the sup-sups.”
“The— what?” Violet sat up, staring down at Caitlyn who looked dead serious.
“The sup-sups,” Caitlyn began as she pulled Violet back down into her arms, “It’s what my father called them when I was sad as a child. When you’re sobbing, the noise you make sounds like “sup-sup”. My father always said I had a bad case of the sup-sups and that cuddling was the only cure. I must say I agree.”
Violet let out a small giggle, muffled into Caitlyn’s chest. “That’s so silly,” she said, her smile apparent in her timid voice.
“It works though, doesn’t it?” Caitlyn replied, soothing circles into her friend’s back. “It’s okay, I’ve got you,” she whispered into the night, her words lost amidst Violet’s little snores.
Caitlyn was sure something had changed that night. She wasn’t sure when exactly the feeling had crept up on her, but she knew it was there for certain that morning when she woke up to untidy sheets and a “thanks for taking me in at 1 am” breakfast.
She knew it was there for sure the next week when she had gone over to Violet’s apartment to re-dye her friend’s hair.
“Are you sure you want pink again?” Caitlyn asked with a scrunched up expression as she looked at her and Violet’s reflection in the mirror.
“Yes, Caitlyn.” Vi said with a laugh.
“Why not the color of your namesake? Or maybe you could go natural?” She replied, not even sure why she was arguing, she was quite fond of Violet’s shock of unruly pink.
Violet looked up at her, tilting her head back from her seat on the stool, and Caitlyn immediately forgot what they were talking about, but it didn’t matter, because her hands were in Violet’s hair, and Violet’s eyes were on hers, and that's all that matters, isn’t it?
She knew it was there for sure when they were laying on her couch, Violet spooning her from behind and watching a movie. She hadn’t really been paying attention to it, but she was very aware of Violet’s hand on her hip and the soothing motions she was making on her slightly exposed midriff.
“Mmm, Violet…” Caitlyn had said, sleep evident in her voice, “You’ll make me fall asleep.”
“Mmm, Caitlyn… maybe that’s the point,” Violet had replied, “Maybe I want you in my arms all night long.”
Caitlyn had blushed up to her ears at that, but not exactly sure why. They’d had sleepovers before, and they’d certainly cuddled before, but something about Violet’s tone was different. Caitlyn thought it had sounded almost romantic, which was absolutely ridiculous. A woman as attractive and wonderful as Vi was sure to have a boyfriend, though Caitlyn realized in the few months they’d known each other Vi had never mentioned having one, and at that moment it seemed extremely imperative that Caitlyn find out whether she had one or not.
Sitting up abruptly and turning to face her half asleep companion, Caitlyn said, “Violet.”
Hearing her name used in such a serious manner, Violet half sat up too, leaning on her arm: “Cupcake, what’s wrong?”
“Do you… Do you have a boyfriend?” Caitlyn uttered out.
Violet’s expression morphed into one of confusion, then hurt, before settling on neutral: “Of course not.”
Of course not. The way Violet said it was so matter of fact, like her words should’ve been a given. Caitlyn felt like she was missing something but she wasn’t sure what, and decided to just lay back down and try to focus on the movie.
She realized a few minutes later before she fell asleep, why she was so worried about Violet having a boyfriend: it was because she wanted to be Violet’s boyfriend.
At the time Caitlyn hadn’t known what she meant by that, and the thought was momentarily forgotten as she drifted off into slumber.
It was the next morning that she started to realize what this feeling was. It was butterflies. But that didn’t make any sense to her. Why would being around Violet give her butterflies?
“Jayce, you have to help me,” Caitlyn whispered into her phone, curled up in a ball on her bed, “I need your advice.”
“Wow, must be pretty bad if you’re asking me instead of Mel,” Jayce snickered on the other end of the line.
“Shut up or I’ll hang up,” she snapped, and hearing nothing but another laugh she continued, “I think I like someone.”
“What’s the problem?” He asked.
“Well…” she began, but then she realized she wasn’t really quite sure what the problem was. She loved spending time with Violet, and she had concluded that the butterflies wasn’t a bad feeling, so why was she so worried?
Oh. Right. Because Violet was a girl. But she couldn’t very well tell Jayce that for fear of him thinking she was insane or something. Caitlyn didn’t like girls, she was sure this was just a one time thing. A girl crush. Yes, that’s what this was.
“I don’t think I’m supposed to like this person,” she finally settled on, “You know what, it’s probably nothing, sorry for wasting your time—”
“No! Caitlyn, wait,” Jayce cut her off, “why aren’t you supposed to like this person? Are they taken?”
“No…”
“Are they… a bad person?”
“Gods, no, they’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.”
“Do they not like you back?”
Caitlyn thought for a moment. Did Violet like her back? She wasn’t sure. She remembered when she mentioned her ex at their movie night, and Violet had seemed distant after that. Same with after Caitlyn had asked if she had a boyfriend. Did that mean she liked Caitlyn? Did Caitlyn want Violet to like her?
“I’m… not sure. Maybe?”
“Well, Caitlyn, I don’t know what the problem is,” Jayce said, “they seem like a nice person, and I trust your judgment; you wouldn’t like someone who you’re not supposed to.”
“Thank you, Jayce.”
“Anytime.”
Caitlyn had felt a little better after that conversation, but she felt more confused too. She knew by now that she definitely had a crush on Violet, but she knew that it was wrong, too, and that didn’t feel good. She had debated for a little bit if she should talk to Violet about it, but she quickly decided against that. After her conversation with Jayce, she decided that maybe her and Violet needed a little space so she could figure out what was up with her.
That lasted about a week before she caved.
“I’m really sorry we couldn’t go out to eat,” Caitlyn said, looking out the window of Violet’s apartment to see the massive thunderstorm brewing.
“Don’t sweat it Cupcake,” Violet replied, “I was craving frozen pizza anyway.”
Caitlyn hummed and walked around Violet’s small apartment while the other girl cooked. Violet’s apartment was small and cozy, and Caitlyn liked it a lot more than her own. Her living room had plush carpet that they’d made a pillow fort on several times already, with a small tv on an old wooden table. She also had a bookshelf in there with various photos and trinkets that Caitlyn hadn’t seen before.
Most of the photos were with Violet’s family, whom she had never met, but could recognize based on Violet’s stories. On the end of the second shelf was a webkinz cat. It was calico, yellow and orange. She picked it up to look at it closer when she heard Violet behind her and immediately put it back like she had been caught red handed.
“You want that? I bought it for my ex before she dumped me and I never gave it to her. Just brings back bad memories.”
“Oh! Um sure,” Caitlyn said, picking the cat back up. It really was very cute.
“Hm. I think the code’s still good too,” Violet said, turning back to the kitchen.
Caitlyn nodded appreciatively, sitting down on the couch with the small cat still held to her chest. Admittedly, her thoughts were nowhere near webkinz right now.
Violet’s ex.
Violet’s ex was a woman. She had dated a girl.
Was that even possible? Caitlyn never realized before that two women could even date. But she supposed there was nothing inherently wrong with it, she had just never thought about it before.
“Dinner is served,” Violet said as she set the tray with the pizza on it on the coffee table.
Before she could grab her food, Caitlyn jumped up from the couch and pulled Violet in for a hug.
“Woah, Cupcake. Is everything alright?” Violet said, but she still hugged her back.
“Yes, I um… just wanted to say thanks. For the cat.” Caitlyn said as she awkwardly pulled back from the hug.
Violet gave her a strange look, but laughed it off and grabbed her pizza.
“It’s nothing, really. I should be buying you new stuff, anyway, not giving you ratty second hand gifts.” Violet said.
“You don’t have to buy me anything. Your company is more than enough.” Caitlyn replied with a smile.
Caitlyn thought something changed that night. Her butterflies were increased tenfold, and the days and weeks to come were filled with charged tension and lots of affection.
She still wasn’t sure exactly what any of this meant. She knew that she liked Violet, but did she want to date her? What would that even involve? Caitlyn was clueless on the matter. So, she decided to ask Mel (since Mel was older and cooler and much prettier than her).
“Mel, can I ask you a question?” Caitlyn said as the pair walked through the park one sunny afternoon.
“Of course, darling, what’s on your mind?” Mel replied, her voice sounding as elegant as ever.
“Um, well… it’s a bit personal.”
“We’re friends, Caitlyn; I’m an open book.”
Here goes nothing, “Have you ever had a crush on a girl?”
Mel didn’t respond at first, which worried Caitlyn but she just seemed to be thinking, not judging.
“Yes, I think I have.” Mel replied, much to Caitlyn’s relief.
“There was an exchange student who moved to our highschool when I was in my senior year. She was very beautiful, and I was quite jealous of her to be honest. I got to know her, and she was wonderful. I so desperately wanted to be her friend.”
“But did you want to… to kiss her?” Caitlyn asked in a timid voice.
“Mmm, I suppose I imagined it once or twice. I never really dwelled on it until now.”
“Oh.” Caitlyn replied, hoping her disappointment didn’t come through.
“Have you ever had a crush on a girl, Caitlyn?” Mel asked.
Not realizing that this line of conversation would definitely reveal her, Caitlyn quickly denied it, “What? Of course not! I was just… just curious is all.”
She could feel Mel’s stare at her as the pair kept walking.
“Is this about your little lady friend?” Mel asked.
“No!” Caitlyn replied, far too quickly, “Violet is just that, a friend.”
Mel stopped walking, causing Caitlyn to look back at her, “I never said her name.”
Caitlyn could feel her cheeks burn as she stared at her older friend.
“You know what? Would you look at the time! I really must be going, thank you for your wonderful company as always Mel!” Caitlyn said as she sped walk away.
“Always a pleasure, Caitlyn!” Mel called from far behind her.
Caitlyn had immediately walked to Violet’s apartment after that, not even consciously, she just wanted to get away from Mel and her own thoughts and that’s where her feet took her.
“Caitlyn?” Violet asked as she opened the door, “Is something wrong? Did we have plans today—”
“Can I come in?” she said abruptly.
“Yeah of course.”
Violet’s apartment looked the same as ever, except this time there was a yoga mat and some weights in the middle of the floor.
“Oh I’m sorry, did I interrupt your workout?” Caitlyn asked as she turned to Violet and got a good look at her for the first time that day. The woman’s pink hair was damp and slicked back, and she was wearing nothing but a sports bra and shorts. Caitlyn’s brain short circuited as she watched droplets of water run down Violet’s very defined abs.
“Nah, I just got out of the shower, just haven’t cleaned up my stuff— Hey are you okay?”
Violet taking a step closer caused her to jump out of her temporary stasis. “Huh? I mean— yes, I’m fine.”
She saw a brief smirk on Violet’s face before Caitlyn quickly turned into the living room to throw on the tv as a distraction.
“Want to watch a movie?” she called out.
“Yeah, just,” Violet grunted, “gimme a minute to put this stuff away.”
Caitlyn briefly browsed cable before settling on something she hadn’t seen before; Violet sat down next to her in more clothing than she had on previously (much to Caitlyn’s dismay).
They settled into a comfortable silence when the movie started, and not long after Caitlyn looked over to Violet and Violet silently opened her arms so Cait could nestle into them.
Just as Caitlyn felt sleep threatening to overcome her, she heard Violet say something quietly, “Would you want to meet my family?”
Her chest bloomed at the question; Violet’s soft voice and almost timid tone as if she was afraid of Caitlyn’s answer.
“I’m sure they wouldn’t want to meet me. I’m pretty boring,” she whispered back.
“C’mon, they’ve been asking about you.” Violet said, moving her hand to soothe circles into Caitlyn’s back. “They wanted to meet the girl I’m dating.”
Caitlyn sat straight up at that and stared down at Violet; it was unfair how attractive she was like this, her hair scrunkly from air drying and that permanent half-smirk on her lips.
“What, and you want me to be your emotional support?” Caitlyn snapped, crossing her arms, “You didn’t even tell me you were seeing someone.”
Violet sat up then, making it so Caitlyn was almost in her lap.
“Are— are we not dating?” Violet asked, soon covering her face with her hands and laying back down, “Ohhh no I’m an idiot,” she groaned.
What???
“Violet, d-did you think we were dating?” Caitlyn stuttered.
“Please forget I said anything, in fact please just ignore my existence,” Violet moaned.
Caitlyn sat there, half straddling Violet (who was still covering her face), half falling off the couch, attempting to process the information. Violet thought they were dating, which meant that Violet wanted to date her. Violet wanted Caitlyn. And now it was up to Caitlyn to decide what to do with that information.
“Violet, wait,” Caitlyn said, while slowly prying Violet’s hands off her face, “Look at me, please.”
At her insistence, Violet opened her eyes and met Caitlyn’s gaze, though Cait could tell it was difficult for her.
“Are we dating?” Caitlyn asked.
“Well, clearly not—”
“No, I mean,” Caitlyn sighed, “Look, I’ve never… dated a girl before. I’m not sure what any of this entails, so… if you thought we were dating then I’m sure we were.”
“Huh?” Violet asked.
“Ugh, why must you be like this!” Caitlyn exclaimed. “How does dating a girl work?”
“It’s not all that different from dating a guy, Cupcake, I think you’re overthink—”
“Then, Violet, let’s date.”
“Really?” Violet replied, half sitting up again.
“As you pointedly said, you thought we were already dating so I suppose this doesn’t change anything.” Caitlyn replied.
Merely inches from her face now, Violet said, “Well, it does change one thing,” in a low tone.
Caitlyn’s breath hiked at the lack of distance in between them.
“What does it change?” Caitlyn whispered, risking a glance down at Violet’s lips.
Placing her hands lightly on the other girl’s hips, Violet said, “We get to do this.”
And then she kissed her.
It was at that moment Caitlyn knew what her butterflies meant. The flutter everytime Violet was near, or even when she was far away but still ever present in Caitlyn’s brain,
The little looks and laughter shared over the months,
The hugs, and the cuddles, and the affection,
The movie nights and pillow forts, and fancy dinners and frozen pizza,
All of it meant one thing.
She was in love.
And she hoped Violet was too.