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TK reminded himself of what Carlos had told him, not to take any of her questions or remarks personally, which was extremely hard when they were all very personal. He answered her questions, took her criticisms with a smile or at least the best he had been able to come up with, tried to keep himself in check as much as he could. Inside, he had been thinking that a fourth coma would have been preferable to sitting on that couch, at that time. At least then he could have skipped the whole delightful evening and esteem killing conversation. Wouldn’t have had to see the disappointment on Carlos’ face when his wife didn’t like TK, realized that she was serious about not signing the paperwork.
He wishes that he could say that he was surprised when Iris left, papers unsigned. But, he wasn’t. Out of everything in this completely fucked up situation, it was the one thing that didn’t shock him, it was pretty much what he expected.
He began washing the pile of plates and platters, needing this time to process the evening, work through this new, albeit expected kink, in their plans. The repetitive actions of wash, rinse, lay out to dry, helped him to put his thoughts in order. TK had been almost happy when Carlos had gone after her, he needed the space figure out what the next steps were.
He knew that Carlos could get a divorce without Iris’ signature, it might take longer, but it was possible. What he wasn’t sure of, was whether that was fair to Carlos. Was it fair of TK to ask Carlos to go through with a contested divorce just so that they could get married. Carlos had already lost years with his best friend, would him pushing for a divorce over her objections cause Carlos to lose even more? Was TK really worth that?
He wished he could have met Carlos’ best friend, someone that had once been the most important person to him, without feeling threatened. Would have loved trading Carlos stories with her. Now, if she and Carlos still got divorced and didn’t stay friends, TK would always be the one that came between them.
He knew it was his fault that she didn’t sign. He just wished that Carlos had trusted him enough to be honest that he was married in the first place, or at least more than twenty-four-hours before what felt like a “make it or break it” job interview. Now, he could only hold on for the ride, take whatever hits came his way, and hope for the best.
He knows Carlos is waiting for him to blow up or run away. Both are things that he hasn’t done in a long time. The last time he did either was the biggest mistake of his life, and considering his past, that’s saying something. The closest he had come had been the day after his mom had died, which he deeply regretted, even though he hadn’t done more than touch the vials, hold them in his hand.
He thought that the people that matter most to him, the ones that he loved unconditionally had realized he didn’t need to be coddled, treated with kid gloves. But, both his father and his fiancé seemed to think he couldn’t handle hard things, so they just kept them from him. In both recent cases, they had only been honest with him when not given any other options. First, his father and his cancer scare back in May, and now, his fiancé with his wife.
Once he had moved onto washing the pots and pans, he started thinking about a few of the things Iris had said. The one sticking with him was when she had asked why they wanted to get married, reducing it to being for tax purposes. Reducing them to that, he knew he was projecting on that one, but he felt like he could be forgiven a petty thought or two right now. He did know that her take away from the conversation had been that TK was too high risk, that he was cowardly or weak, that he wasn’t a good fit for Carlos. And maybe she was right, but as long as Carlos didn’t think those things, TK would be there.
He knew that Carlos was trying to make everything happen, make it so that they could get married at that perfect venue in just under eight weeks now. He knows that the contract is on their table, ready to go out in the mail, but everything about it feels wrong now.
Planning a wedding is hard enough, but should be at least a little fun. Trying to get divorced on top of that is considerably worse, even when the marriage is in name only. It is still a legal process, which means it takes time and is at the whim of the court system. There is no way to guarantee that Carlos’ divorce will be filed, let alone finalized in the time that they had, especially now.
There was a part of him that also felt like Carlos was only going with this venue, in this time frame as a way to make it up to him for hiding his wife from TK. It just made it feel wrong. He wanted their marriage to start in a place that they both wanted. TK wanted them to both be happy, want to get married. He needed to give Carlos the space to get to that point too, without overwhelming himself. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if they waited until they had an idea of when exactly Carlos would be divorced before they really started planning their wedding. He wanted to marry Carlos as soon as he could, eighteen months
He had just finished with the last of the dishes when Carlos got back home. TK could tell by the set of his shoulders that he hadn’t been successful in either finding or talking to Iris. He could feel the anxiety and confusion from across the room, he dried his hands as Carlos slowly moved towards him, shoulders curving in.
TK put the towel down on the counter, closing the gap between them. He took Carlos’ hand, guided him to the couch. Once Carlos was seated in the center, TK climbed onto his lap, joining their hands together. They sat in the silence, both reflecting on the evening.
Carlos took a deep breath before saying “TK, I am so sorry about this. I didn’t..” drifting off, looking down at their hands, letting TK see how lost he was feeling.
“Baby” TK began, waiting for Carlos to meet his eyes, when he didn’t he pulled one of his hands free, put his fingers under Carlos’ chin. “Baby, look at me.” Once Carlos met his eyes again. He said “I know you are. I am too. While you were gone I was thinking that it might be a good idea if we held off on planning for no-“
Carlos used his free hand to cover TK’s mouth. “TK, we are getting married.” In the growly voice TK loved.
“I know, Babe. I just don’t want you to have a stroke first.” TK told him, smiling at him to let him know this wasn’t something he was mad about. When Carlos only gave him a confused look, “I can see how much you are tearing yourself apart trying to make everything work out perfectly. But Baby, sometimes to get perfect, you have to step back. Take a little off your plate.”
Carlos looks away before saying “TK, I don’t want us to step back. I can’t lose yo-“
It was TK’s turn to cover Carlos’ mouth to shut him up. “Not a step back from us. A step back from the craziness of wedding planning. Don’t you want to do it all without the stress of a divorce at the same time? Right now, you are trying to be what and who you think I need you need to be, just be you. Please.”
“I don’t want to wait eighteen months to marry you, TK.” Carlos whines.
“As long as you get a divorce, you won’t have to.” TK replies with a smile.
Carlos took a moment to really look into TK’s eyes, saw that truth to what TK was saying. With an arched brow, he asked “What are you thinking?”
“I am thinking that we wait until we at least have a date or estimation on when you will no longer have a wife, then we can start looking at venues again. Maybe even re-evaluate what we want our wedding to look like. We can take the time to make it what we want.” TK told him. TK watched as Carlos processed his words, his feelings over the events of the past few days.
“I don’t want to disappoint you.” Carlos finally reveals “I still don’t understand how you are handling all of this so much better than I am.”
TK laughed, a genuine laugh which he hadn’t thought possible for the last couple of days. “Baby, I have had years of therapy. You can’t be Owen Strand’s son without it. I just keep telling myself that at the end of the day, as long as you love me, want to continue building a life together, I can handle anything.” He pressed a kiss to Carlos’ lips. When he pulled back, he added “You aren’t disappointing me, you are worrying me though with how much you are trying to take on at once. So, will you agree? We hold off on any official plans until we have a better idea on when we can legally get married, I refuse to be a sister husband.” Smiling when Carlos rolled his eyes at him again.
“Do you promise that you are ok with this?” Carlos asked.
“Yeah, Baby. I am ok with it. We can still talk about things we want, but just not put the pressure of a date or location until we can do it without your stress levels rising higher. I need our life to be ours, and only we can decide what is best for us.” TK told him.
Carlos closed his eyes, breathing deeply before saying “Ok. I agree. We hold off on making any date or location plans and you also agree to never refer to yourself as a sister husband again.” The first relaxed smile in days finally gracing his face.
TK laughed again, asking “Oh, is it brother husband? Sorry, I had it wrong.” unsuccessfully dodging Carlos’ fingers as he started tickling him in response. “I will say, Iris did make me question something about myself that I never had before. I need you to be honest with me, when I ask you this question.” Waiting until Carlos nodding, eyes serious. “Am I short?”
“That’s the question that has been driving you nuts?” Carlos asked, trying to hold in his laughter.
“No one has ever called me short before. I’m not even close to the shortest in the firehouse. I mean Paul, Marj, and Mateo are all shorter than me.” TK told him with his bottom lip out. He was still genuinely confused about that, or why it would have prohibited him from being a firefighter.
Finally, Carlos let loose with a laugh, a deep belly laugh. TK knew that he could always count on his own ridiculousness to help get Carlos out of his head.
Once had his hilarity under control, he looked at TK again. Smiling as he said “I really fucking love you, TK.”
TK smiled back, “I know. I really fucking love you too.”
They sat cuddling on the couch for a few minutes, neither in a hurry to get ready for bed. TK knew this was just the calm between the storms, but at least they were on the same page, in the same book, together.