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Love has always been a lingering thought in the back of Karl’s mind. He always assumed it’d come to him — that true irrevocable love. He believed it would happen with his crush on ‘candle girl.’ That is until she moved away. Once he found out she had moved, he pushed the thought away. It wasn’t too important, it was a measly crush. Who needs love anyway? He’ll find love. It’ll come to him when it’s the most appropriate time. He just didn’t expect for it to happen with Sapnap.
It all started at Twitchcon, the place where something shifted. Specifically, it was that look, that damn look, Karl knows it now. During Twitch Rivals, George had told them someone had to kiss. He told Karl to kiss Sapnap, and hell, Karl had already kissed Austin and Hasan, he was down to kiss another. That look, though. Sapnap’s eyes held so much more than fear. As their eyes met, Karl saw a mix of fear, urgency, and want.
Want. Sapnap wanted to kiss him. Karl cannot get it out of his mind as he makes his way back to their hotel room. Because, of course, they’re sharing a hotel room too. Just Karl’s luck. He scans the key and slides through, shutting the door behind himself. Sapnap smiles at him from the bed, “Hey, dude!”
“Hey, ready to go back home?“ Karl asks, setting his keycard and wallet down on a side table. He slides the thought of Sapnap wanting to kiss him to the back of his brain. He’s sure he’s making up false information, there’s no way his best friend — Sapnap — would want to kiss him. Sapnap is straight. Said best friend watches Karl walk to his own bed, his green eyes never straying away from him. Sapnap answers him, “Yeah. I’ve had fun, though. What about you?”
Karl decides to go to Sapnap’s bed. He hovers over it hesitantly, asking Sapnap if he can lie down by using his eyes. Sapnap gives a slight nod and scoots over. He lets out a sigh, “Yeah, I had fun too. I’m so exhausted though. It’ll be nice to get back to the normal routine.”
“Do you even have one of those? You’ll probably end up watching anime most of the time,” Sapnap comments, chuckling. Karl lays down and they both prop their heads up with their hands so they can face each other and talk. Karl scoffs, “I stream more than you do!”
“That’s probably true,” Sapnap laughs loudly. He stares at Karl with such interest. Karl wonders what goes through his mind. Sapnap’s laughter stops and his smile disappears. “How was kissing Dream?”
“Dry and filled with cloth” Karl states, he says it like it’s a joke but it’s absolutely correct due to Dream’s facemask. He drops his head against the bed, then stares back up at Sapnap with furrowed eyebrows. He wiggles them playfully. “Why? Are you jealous?”
“You wish” Sapnap responds quickly. Karl’s stomach does a somersault. His eyes widen and he looks down at the bed to hide his reddening cheeks. He decides to ignore him and play it off. He groans loudly and stretches his arms out above him. “Can I just stay here?”
Something in Sapnap shifts. He scoots up on the bed and adjusts the pillow above Karl’s head. He pats the bed, motioning Karl to scoot up with him. “Yeah, you can stay here. Want to nap? The group might head out later, I’ll wake you up.”
Karl nods his head and cozies up to the pillow. Sapnap lays down again, on his left side so he’s facing Karl. Karl blinks up at him, fighting sleep. Sapnap smiles at him softly. Karl wants to engrave his smile in his mind. He pictures nothing but it as he falls asleep, his own smile planted on his lips. He ignores the questions filling his head and just admires Sapnap’s smile on his mind.
He awakens in his own bed, yet it’s been forever since he has lain in a bed with Sapnap. He still doesn’t understand why his stomach flips at the thought of Sapnap. It’s not a sick feeling, but it makes him feel all light and fluttery. No, it cannot be butterflies. Why would Karl get butterflies because of Sapnap? He doesn’t have feelings for him. He cannot have feelings for him.
Karl lets out a deep sigh as he rolls over in his bed. He extends his arm out to the other side and that’s when he feels it. The ghost of a person. It’s almost as if he can feel their presence under his hand, ready to take him in and hold him close. He breathes deeply, smells the lavender and vanilla incense he’s burning and exhales gently. That’s when he knows the presence he craves is Sapnap’s.
He sits up in bed and grabs his phone. He thinks for a moment, then calls Sapnap’s number. It rings two times before he picks up. Groggily, Sapnap answers, “Hello?”
“Hey, Sap! Tired? Are you on the way home?“ Karl questions, laying back down on the bed. He stares up at the ceiling as he waits for Sapnap’s response. “Yeah, we’re in the car now. I can’t wait to get back in my bed.”
“Dude, what about Antarctica?” Karl asks, crossing his fingers. He knows Sapnap has had a tight schedule, but he really hopes he’ll come. He hears Sapnap sigh, “I don’t know, dude. I’m so tired.”
“Please, Sap, I need you there. It won’t be any fun without you” Karl admits. He rolls onto his side, cradling the phone to his ear with both hands. He decides to switch it to a speakerphone and sets the phone down on the bed. He imagines Sapnap lying in front of him, talking to him in person rather than through the phone. He can tell Sapnap is thinking it over by the silence that follows. After a moment, Sapnap sighs. “Okay, fine. I’ll go, but you’ve gotta take care of me. You better keep me fed, toasty, and comfortable.”
“Deal. Get some sleep. See you soon, Sapnap” Karl replies, clicking the red end call button after Sapnap says his farewell. He bites his lip gently as he stares around the room, trying to find something he can busy himself with. He decides on packing for Antarctica. He knows they’re going to a hotel and then they’ll meet up to board the plane to leave for Antarctica, but he’s unsure of what to pack. How much does he pack? He throws a few outfits into the suitcase. Should he even bring his toothbrush and toothpaste? Would he be able to clean his teeth in Antarctica? He guesses it’s worth a shot to bring it and throws it in the suitcase. He then zips it up and sits back down on the bed. He just has to wait a little longer and he’ll be with Sapnap again. He groans and falls backward onto the bed. God, there he goes again, why is he so caught up on Sapnap, Sapnap, Sapnap? He pulls a pillow over his head and groans into it loudly. He has got to figure this out. He just has to wait for Antarctica.
Antarctica comes sooner than he thinks. Just a few days and he’s in the hotel room, trying on the puffy snowsuit MrBeast got him. He stares at himself in the mirror and chuckles at the bright pink suit that he requested. He checks he has everything and walks out the door. Time to go to Antarctica. He meets everyone at the airport and when he sees Sapnap, his eyes light up.
“Sapnap!” Karl exclaims, running over to him. Sapnap’s arms immediately spread out, welcoming Karl into his arms. Karl drops his luggage to wrap his arms around Sapnap’s neck. Sapnap squeezes him and Karl gets that weird feeling in his stomach again. He smiles awkwardly as he pulls away from Sapnap. Dream speaks up after seeing them, “Damn, Karl. Not even a hug for us?”
Karl rolls his eyes and opens his arms out for Dream. Dream grins brightly and hugs him. After they pull away, Karl leaves his arms out for George. “George? Want a hug?”
“No” George answers, but Karl knows he’s lying. Karl makes a ‘come here’ motion with his hands, curling his fingers in and out. George rolls his eyes, walks over, and falls into his arms. “That’s what I thought.”
“You guys got everything? Ready to go? It’s time to board” MrBeast states, opening the plane’s door. They go through normal operations and board the plane. Everyone piles in quickly and Karl watches the back of Sapnap’s head as they walk in. He doesn’t even realize the seating arrangement until Sapnap puts his luggage away and sits down in a window seat on the right side. Karl stares down at the seat beside Sapnap, then glances around the plane. MrBeast notices him. “Karl, sit down.”
Karl’s eyes widen and he quickly deposits his luggage into the compartment, then sits down beside Sapnap. Karl takes off his puffy jacket and puts it in the space between their legs. Karl manages a playful smile. “Hey, partner.”
“Hey!” Sapnap smiles at him. Karl stares up at his orange beanie in admiration. From beside them, Karl hears Dream start to speak and he knows he’s recording for the vlog he’s been talking about. Karl pulls out his phone and unlocks it. “I wanted to show you something actually. It’s a scene from an anime, thought maybe you’d like it and want to watch it.”
Karl types on his Youtube quickly as Sapnap leans in. Karl can feel Sapnap’s breath on his hands as he rotates the phone for them to watch. He presses play even though Dream is filming. Sapnap watches intently and nods when the video finishes. “Yeah, it looks good! I’ll definitely have to watch it.”
“Good!” Karl smiles, feeling accomplished about finding something Sapnap was interested in. He stares at Sapnap’s grin, admires his teeth, and glances up at his green eyes. The thought comes back to him. It’s a quick flash, just the word “Love” appearing in his mind to quickly vanish. He furrows his eyebrows as he stares at Sapnap, really stares at Sapnap. Love. No, it can’t be that. Sapnap notices him staring and smiles sheepishly at him, “What, bro?”
Bro. Yeah, definitely can’t be love. Karl giggles nervously, trying to find a way to play it off. He leans his head back against the seat and meets Sapnap’s green irises. “I’m just happy you came, is all.”
“Me too,” Sapnap nods. He drops his head down to Karl’s shoulder. Karl smiles softly and looks down at him. Yeah, Karl is very happy Sapnap decided to come.
Dream records again as they land. The landing is bumpy and makes them bounce up and down and side to side. Sapnap grabs a hold of Karl’s hand to try and control Karl’s bouncing. Karl swears there’s a spark that ignites as their hands meet. He jerks his head to look at Sapnap, who has this look of almost shock. Karl’s face falls even further. The plane rolls to a stop and everyone gets off of it slowly. Everyone discovers Dream is sick, he sounds terrible as he coughs while they walk to base camp. George gets him lentil soup and Karl and Sapnap hang out together. After a little while, someone finally calls out that the trucks are here. Sapnap sends a look of horror to Karl, who gives him a reassuring smile and a pat on the back. “You’ve got this.”
He does not have this, and neither of them does. Once they’re dropped off, the wind is blowing so much that there is snow everywhere. George’s eyes are watering so badly he can’t even see. It’s a disaster, but they have to hike to their destination. Finally, they get to the bottom of the mountain and set up their tents. It’s hectic, but eventually, they get them set up. On the bright side, Karl gets the idea that they should dig a hole inside their tent, so the group ends up doing so. The day goes by slowly, but their hole ends up being extremely deep and when they show it off, Sapnap pats Karl’s head, making Karl feel so, so giddy. Soon after that, it’s time for bed. They film their goodnight, Karl does a bit that he pleads with the editors to keep in, and then Karl relaxes down beside Sapnap. Sapnap smiles warmly at him, watching Karl roll over to lie on his right side. Karl matches his smile. Karl asks him a question, “Hey, are you tired?”
“I was in Oklahoma, home, then here. What do you think, Karl?” There is no malice in his words. He stares fondly at Karl as he rests his head on his bent arm. Karl copies him by tucking his right arm up and resting his head on it. A beat of silence, then, “Thank you for coming.”
“It’s no biggie” Sapnap responds. He scans his eyes down Karl’s body. “Are you cold?“
“A little, or are you just using that as an excuse to get yourself toasty like you talked about before?” Karl answers. Sapnap rolls his eyes playfully and opens up his sleeping bag. “C’mere.”
“You want me to get in that with you?“ Karl eyes the sleeping bag suspiciously, trying to figure out if they’d fit or not. Sapnap shrugs, “I was just thinking if you were cold… guess not.”
“No, I’ll get in. Might be snug though” Karl insists quickly. He moves off of his sleeping bag since he wasn’t actually in it yet and carefully climbs into Sapnap’s sleeping bag. Their legs knock together once he lays down, but Sapnap adjusts his position and pulls Karl into his arms. Karl’s heart skips a beat. He lays his head down against Sapnap’s chest and sucks in a breath as he listens to Sapnap’s heartbeat. He can feel his own in his chest. Pitter, patter. Pitter, patter. Karl doesn’t breathe. Slowly, their heartbeats sync. Karl pulls away to meet Sapnap’s eyes. Staring deep into his green irises, Karl knows it’s love. Pitter, patter. Pitter, patter. Oh, my, Karl is in love. Karl is in love with Sapnap.
Sapnap stares at Karl with such intensity. He gently moves a few strands of hair out of Karl’s eyes. Sapnap licks his lips. His hand lingers in Karl’s hair, slowly moving down to his neck. He swallows harshly. “You’re so pretty.”
Karl’s jaw drops. A rosy red blush covers his cheeks and nose, which he tries to hide with his hand. A dopey smile forms on his lips and he giggles. Nervously, he titters, “What?”
“I’m tired,” Sapnap uses as an excuse. He pulls his hand away quickly and slides it down to Karl’s waist. He closes his eyes and adjusts his head, readying himself to give in to sleep. Karl giggles again, “It’s okay. You’re pretty too.”
Sapnap sighs deeply. Karl finally lets out a yawn. Sapnap peeks his eyes open at Karl slightly and then closes them to sleep again. He pulls Karl into him more, making Karl lay his head on his chest again. As Sapnap drifts off to sleep, he mumbles, “There’s just something about you.”
“Oh, God,” Karl whispers to himself. He stares wide-eyed right at Sapnap’s chest. He lowers his head so his forehead is pressing right against Sapnap’s chest. He sucks in a deep breath, trying to soothe his racing heart. Inhale — pitter, patter — exhale. Inhale — pitter, patter — exhale. Why would Sapnap say that? What does it mean? There’s something about Karl? Karl tilts his head up to look at Sapnap’s face. He asks a sleeping body, “What does that mean?”
There is no way Sapnap could feel the same way. It’s not possible. Sapnap is… Sapnap. Sapnap is the guy everyone drools over, hey he feels untouchable. Sapnap is not the type of guy to want Karl. Sapnap is the type of guy to not want a guy, he’s straight! He said he was straight. God, but what if things changed? What if he’s no longer straight? No, Karl shouldn’t even be thinking about this, he shouldn’t assume Sapnap’s sexuality. Sapnap is just Sapnap. There might be the possibility of him liking Karl, but there might not be. But, God, does he want that possibility to be on his side.
Karl stares at Sapnap’s face. He traces over his features, starting with his hairline and eyebrows, then goes down to his eyes and makes sure to include the curl of his eyelashes as he sleeps. He follows the bridge of his nose to the tip, traces down his cupid’s bow, across his pink lips, and ends at his jawline and chin which is covered in facial hair. Karl feels like he’s floating, the thought of Sapnap liking him back makes him feel like a little kid with their first crush. What if they end up together? He feels as if he should pick the petals off of a flower and recite “he loves me, he loves me not.”
Karl groans lightly, dropping his head back onto Sapnap’s chest. He snuggles even closer and prepares himself for sleep. To the cold air, he whispers, “What are you doing to me?”
The second day in Antarctica was interesting. Sapnap acted weird, but also completely normal. One moment, he’d be keeping away from Karl and not interacting with him, and then the next, he’d be feeding him his own food or letting Karl pull him on a sled. As they got back onto the plane, he also commented on Karl’s ass, which Karl was not expecting at all. He sat right next to Karl on the plane too, which allowed Karl to pitch him an idea. “You should come to North Carolina again soon, or I could come to Florida. It would be fun.”
“Yeah, that’d be nice. Whenever you’re free, you should come down. Maybe I can come up there soon too” Sapnap answers honestly. He smiles warmly at Karl. Karl mimics his smile, “Great. Plus, it could be just us. No filming.”
“Yeah, I’d like that. Just us” Sapnap replies. Karl nods his head, a bright smile planted on his lips. “Great. It’s settled. See you soon?”
“See you soon.”
And soon it was. Before Karl knew it, he was picking Sapnap up at the airport. Their eyes meet and Sapnap walks over, towing his luggage behind him. Karl points at the sign he made, Sapnap’s last name written on it with cartoon drawings and heart doodles. Sapnap laughs loudly when he sees it and pulls Karl into a warm embrace. Karl’s the first to break, “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too. What’s on the agenda first?” Sapnap replies, following Karl out of the airport and to the car. As they approach the car, Karl thinks. “Are you hungry?”
“I could go for something,” Sapnap answers. Karl grins and opens the trunk for him, allowing him to deposit his luggage into it. They walk to their respective doors and get into the car. Karl starts the ignition. “Should we go out to eat or doordash and watch an anime?“
“Uhm, doordash and an anime” Sapnap replies. Karl nods again and drives them home. They make light conversation on the way there, Karl making sure to keep Sapnap comfortable and happy, yet not all talked out. Once they get to Karl’s house, they order Chinese food and turn on Demon Slayer. They start off on different ends of the couch, but once they finish eating, they end up closer and closer and closer. So close, Karl ends up leaning on Sapnap’s shoulder and their thighs touch together. Sapnap doesn’t protest the touch, he actually seems to lean into it even more, surprising Karl. Karl cherishes the moment he spends cuddling with Sapnap. After a while of watching Demon Slayer, Karl gets tired. “I’m going to bed, you think you can get yourself all set up in the guest room? You know you’re free to use the PC in there to play Valorant or whatever you want, right?”
“Yes, I know. I’ve got it covered” Sapnap responds, standing up along with Karl. They walk together down the hall and up the stairs. Sapnap stops at the guest room door and turns to look at Karl, who’s standing at his own bedroom door. His voice sounds so sweet as he says, “Goodnight, Karl.”
“G’night, Sap. If you need anything, feel free to come into my room. Love you.” Karl hides his true feelings behind the words. Sapnap doesn’t know yet, but Karl plans on telling him soon. He just has to find the right moment. Sapnap chuckles for no reason in Karl’s mind. “Love you too, K.”
Karl feels like he can’t sleep after that. He lies in bed and stares up at the ceiling, his mind racing with the thought of Sapnap, Sapnap, Sapnap. He said he loved Karl, but that’s stupid to freak out about. He’s lovesick. They’re best friends! They can say they love each other, it’s normal! Karl needs to get his act together. No, he needs to get his act together and plan how he’s going to tell Sapnap he loves him in more than a friend way. He thinks of many situations they can fall into and ranks them from worst reaction to best reaction.
Shit. Karl didn’t think about what would happen if Sapnap has a bad reaction. He’s staying in Karl’s home. What would both of them do if things go south? Would Sapnap want to go home? God, Karl hopes not. More than anything, he does not want Sapnap to feel different about him. Maybe he shouldn’t tell him. He’s got to, though, right? There’s still that possibility that Sapnap feels the same way. With the way he acted in Antarctica though, there’s no way Sapnap doesn’t feel the same, right? He acted so strange, there had to have been a reason for it. Karl hopes he isn’t getting his hopes up by thinking it’s the possibility that Sapnap likes him in a romantic way. Karl pushes the thought out of his brain and forces himself to go to sleep.
The next day, Karl makes them breakfast. He’s not going to tell him today, but he still can be sweet to him, right? He cooks some pancakes and sets them out with the syrup and butter and waits for Sapnap to come down. When he does, he greets him. “Good Morning! I made us some pancakes.”
Sapnap beams, moving to the cabinet where the plates are. He grabs one and plops two pancakes onto it. He joins Karl at the island and sits down to eat. “So, how did you sleep?”
“Was out like a light” Sapnap lies, stabbing a piece of his pancake after slicing it. Karl doesn’t know about his lie and smiles. He overdoes his response, “Me too. I was tired, you could probably tell last night.”
Sapnap nods his head. “Got any orange juice?”
Karl shoots up out of his chair to grab a cup and the orange juice. He pours Sapnap a glass and slides it to him carefully. Sapnap smiles warmly at him. “Thank you.”
Karl smiles sheepishly. He pours himself a glass and sits back down to finish eating. They eat in comfortable silence, and when they’re done, they decide to play some video games. Karl insists they play Roblox Arsenal as they did on stream once, but Sapnap argues they play a multiplayer game on the PlayStation 4. They end up playing Little Big Planet 3 on the PlayStation 4. They play the story mode for a little while and then go to the moon to create chaos. Karl makes them a boat and they launch off quickly, giving Sapnap the idea for them to create a rocket ship. He builds it and adds thrusters, hooks them all up, then pulls the lever. They end up shooting off into the sky, zooming so fast it ends up smacking Karl against the roof and killing him. They erupt into a series of giggles. After a while of playing, they toss the controllers onto the coffee table and relax back. Karl grabs the remote and turns some random cartoon on, then joins Sapnap in chilling against the back of the couch. Sapnap lets out a content sigh, “God, it’s so nice hanging out with you.”
A smile breaks out across Karl’s face and his cheeks tint pink. His face falls as that thought slides into his mind again. Love. Karl wants to tell him, but not yet. He needs more time with him. “Hey, want to actually go out to eat?”
“Yeah, that might be nice” Sapnap declares. Karl stands up from the couch and offers his hand out to Sapnap. Sapnap takes it and allows Karl to pull him up. “That’s it, then. Let’s go.”
Karl grabs his wallet and keys and steps outside. He looks up at the sky as Sapnap walks over to the car. “I think it’s supposed to rain tomorrow, want to grab our skateboards and go to the skatepark after we eat?”
“Even better, let us eat in the car on the way to the skatepark” Sapnap decides, walking back over to Karl. They run in and get their skateboards, then come back outside and toss their boards into the backseat. Sapnap climbs into the car while Karl walks around to the driver’s side and gets in. Karl drives them to Cookout and orders them their food along with some shakes. They eat on the way to the skatepark. They finish up eating in the parking lot, then hop out, their shakes in hand. Sapnap places his shake down along with his board. He steps onto it and pushes, rolling across the ground. Karl chuckles, his eyes on Sapnap as he sits down at a high point of the skatepark. He watches Sapnap skate for a while, thinks he’s gotta tell him soon, then joins him in skating to get rid of his thoughts. They skate around each other and attempt tricks. Karl teaches Sapnap what he knows and vice versa. Karl holds onto Sapnap for support during one trick, and they share another moment. Karl’s eyes stare down at his board as he struggles to make the landing due to his foot slipping. He slips again and chuckles, and his eyes glance up at Sapnap to see his eyes already on his face. “I don’t know why I can’t get it.”
It’s because he’s holding onto Sapnap. His mind is fogged, he cannot stop thinking about his shoulders and how sturdy they are. Sapnap laughs heartily, “Come on, you’ve got this.”
Karl attempts the trick again and lands it. He beams, grinning up at Sapnap. They both cheer, Sapnap’s arms flying up in celebration. Karl starts to roll due to Sapnap’s arms leaving his waist. Sapnap calls after him, “Woah, come back here!”
Karl giggles and pushes off the ground, quickening his movement. He zooms away from Sapnap, who’s chasing after him now. They both laugh loudly as Sapnap chases him around the park. Karl skrrts to a stop and laughs at Sapnap who’s now walking and out of breath. He sits down along the edge of the park and Karl joins him. Karl thinks now would be a good time to tell him. He decides against it. Sapnap sighs, “Today was fun.”
“Yes, it was. Thanks to you” Karl says, nudging against him. Sapnap looks at him with a warm smile on his lips. Karl turns and admires where his eyes crinkle when he smiles genuinely. God, he just needs to get it out. “No, you are to be thanked too.”
“We should get back before it’s too late” Karl states, deciding to leave quickly so he doesn’t act abruptly. Now is not the time. They’re out in the open. Karl needs more time. Sapnap sighs, “Yeah, we should.”
The next day, Karl decides he’s going to tell him. He has a plan. First, make breakfast again. This time he made french toast. He sets out the syrup and waits for Sapnap to come down. When he does, he offers him a plate. Sapnap takes it and thanks him. They make their plates and sit down at the island. Karl tilts his leg so their knees knock together. He strikes up a conversation, “I hope the food is up to your taste.”
“It’s perfect,” Sapnap declares. He hums after taking a bite, proving to Karl he loves the food. The next step. “I thought we could chill in my room tonight, and watch some anime. That way we’d be comfortable. Maybe we could finish Demon Slayer, too.”
A look of what seems like hesitance flashes over Sapnap. He stares down at his food and stabs into it. He manages a smile and looks at Karl. “Yeah, that sounds wonderful.”
“We might make a pillow fort,” Karl jokes. He stands up and puts his dishes in the sink, Sapnap following soon after. He motions for Sapnap to follow him and walks up the stairs to his bedroom. Then, he grabs his laptop and climbs into the bed. He notices Sapnap standing and pats the spot next to him. “C’mon.”
Sapnap climbs into the bed with him. Karl smiles brightly at him and turns on Demon Slayer on the laptop. They lay for a while watching Demon Slayer until Karl notices Sapnap’s hand lying face up on the bed. Karl drops his own, causing Sapnap to glance down at it. Karl watches carefully, keeping his gaze on Sapnap’s green eyes as he inches his hand forward slowly. Their hands are a few centimeters apart. Sapnap’s breath hitches. Karl stretches his pinkie out to touch Sapnap’s thumb. He pauses Demon Slayer with his other hand. Karl gets the courage. “Sapnap, I need to talk to you about something.”
Sapnap bites his lip, his eyes sending Karl a look of questioning and fear. Karl pulls his hand away from Sapnap’s out of fear. He adjusts his seating position and turns to fully face Sapnap. He takes a deep breath and their eyes meet. Sapnap looks away from him quickly. “I think I know what this is about. Look, I-“
“Please, let me get it out. It’s been in my mind for a while and it’ll help a lot if I tell you” Karl explains. Sapnap’s eyes widen, his eyebrows suddenly furrowing. He stares into Karl’s eyes intently. “Okay…”
“Sapnap,” Karl starts, sucking in a deep breath. Sapnap’s sage green eyes, colored by the light of the room, never leave Karl’s face. His hand twitches where it lays. Karl exhales deeply, “I really like you. In a romantic way.”
Sapnap’s face falls, Karl’s following right after. Sapnap turns away from him, dropping his legs off the edge of the bed. Karl stares at his broad shoulders and back. Sapnap takes a shaky breath. “Karl, I-I can’t do this right now.”
It’s Karl’s turn to furrow his eyebrows. Hurt washes over his features along with anger. He crosses his arms defensively, no longer wanting to appear as vulnerable. “You can’t do this? I just confessed my feelings to you and you can’t do this?”
“I just need time. There’s a lot to this, Karl” Sapnap argues, standing up from the bed. Karl stands up quickly, following him to the door. He refuses to pause this conversation. “What do you mean? Just either tell me you feel the same way or you don’t like me. I’ll get over it.”
“Karl, please. Just stop. I’m already upset” Sapnap pleads, walking out of the room and down the stairs. Karl follows behind him, jogging down the steps. Sapnap pauses in the kitchen to stand at the counter, his hands over his eyes. Karl stands on the other side of the island. He snaps, “No, tell me how you feel! Which is it?”
Like he has several times before, something switches in Sapnap. He scowls at Karl, his blood starting to boil. Anger floods his features, painting his face red. He crosses his arms this time. Involuntarily, he fumes, “I don’t have to tell you shit.”
Karl scoffs, taken aback. He physically tilts backward due to the shock he feels from Sapnap’s words. He bites the inside of his cheek and adjusts his posture, not yet giving in to the hurt. He scoffs again, “Why are you being such an asshole right now? That’s not the Sapnap I know.”
“But is it the Sapnap you like?” Sapnap questions, his pupils blown wide. Karl gasps, his tough demeanor falling. He frowns harshly causing his forehead to crease. “That’s not funny.”
Sapnap shakes his head aggressively. He sighs harshly and drops his head to the counter, resting it on his arms. Karl cannot help it anymore, he begins to cry. He gulps, “Take it back. Take it back, Sapnap. I mean it.”
Sapnap tilts his head up, a stern look in his eyes as he stares at Karl. Karl notices he doesn’t wince even a little bit at Karl’s tears. “You’re the best friend who can come to anything about, who’d help me with anyone I have problems with. Now, you’re the one who looks like he can’t stand to be near me.”
“Karl, I told you I didn’t want to talk about this,” Sapnap warns. Karl shakes his head, stepping even closer. Tears fall down his reddening cheeks. He tries to wipe at them but they just keep falling faster and faster. “I know you. Don’t sit here and tell me I don’t. I know you. I know everything about you. Don’t lie to me.”
“But you don’t know everything. If you knew me, you’d know why I’m acting like this,” Sapnap argues. Karl lets out a loud sob. He screams, “Then tell me how you really feel about me!”
It’s like a twig snapping. Sapnap basically growls, the sound erupting from his throat. He slams his hands onto the counter and glares at Karl. He confesses, “I fucking like you! Are you happy now?”
Sapnap practically stomps to the front door, the sound of his footsteps echoing inside of Karl’s ears. Karl follows behind him, tears falling down his rosy red cheeks. Karl chokes on a sob and wipes his nose with his sleeve. “This isn’t how things were supposed to go.”
“How was it supposed to go?“ Sapnap yells, his voice vibrating the walls. Karl flinches. Sapnap finally turns to face him. His eyes are strained and a harsh red covers his nose and cheeks. He refuses to cry. He glares daggers at Karl. “What is it? Was I supposed to tell you I like you back and that everything was going to be okay? Karl, you have to think of the logistics! If someone found out, we’d be forced to come out or we’d be queerbaiting. Neither of us wants that!”
“Who would find out, Sapnap? We already act like a couple! What’s going to be different? No one knows what we do in private, stop making this into something it’s not. We get to choose our life” Karl screams, crossing his arms defensively. Sapnap stares off at the wall. He lets out a harsh breath and turns back to the door. Karl clenches his jaw. “I should’ve known this was stupid, falling in love with you. For the longest time, I tried to tell myself it wasn’t love and after Antarctica, I had hope that maybe, just maybe, we could be together.”
Karl watches Sapnap’s face fall. Suddenly, he rushes forward and grabs a fist full of Karl’s shirt to yank him towards him. Sapnap leans up and abruptly pauses. His eyes open and he stares into Karl’s wide-blown pupils. They stare at each other until Sapnap huffs and pushes him back lightly. Karl regains his composure. Picking up where he left off, he spits venom at him, “You’re a fucking liar, Sapnap.”
Fury casts over Sapnap’s eyes. Sapnap tenses his jaw and rolls his eyes. He grabs the door handle and jerks it open. As he steps out, Karl calls to him. “You’ll come back to me.”
The door slams shut and Karl falls to his knees. He moves to sit down on his butt and tucks his knees to his chest. He sobs into his knees, using his arms to cover his head as he coughs and chokes on his sobs. He whispers to himself as he rocks back and forth, “He’ll come back, he’ll come back.”
He sits there on the floor, rocking back and forth while sobbing for what feels like hours. He doesn’t stop until he hears a knock at the door. His eyes shoot up followed by himself. He opens the door frantically, allowing himself to meet certain green eyes. His eyes water again. Sapnap stands at the door completely drenched by the rain, raindrops and tears sliding down his pink cheeks. Karl breaks first, “I’m so sorry.”
He holds out his arms for Sapnap to fall into them, and he takes him up on the offer. He collapses into his body, folding his arms around Karl’s back. Karl wraps his arms around Sapnap’s neck. Sapnap attempts to explain himself, “I’m so sorry too. I don’t know why I got so defensive and angry. I guess I’m just worried.”
“Which you have every right to be. I’m sorry for being so persistent. You’re right, you don’t have to tell me shit. You didn’t owe me anything. I’m sorry” Karl assures. He squeezes Sapnap even tighter, trying to provide him with the comfort he needs. Sapnap drops his head into the crook of Karl’s neck. He sighs deeply, breathing in Karl’s scent. “I love you so much.”
“What?” Karl gasps, pulling back away from Sapnap. Sapnap actually pouts. He continues, “I love you so much. There’s no escaping it. I can try all I want, but everything just comes back around to you. There’s just something about you that makes me fall in love with you over and over again.”
Karl smiles softly and caresses his jaw with both hands. He stares into his eyes and slowly slides his gaze down to his pink lips. Sapnap’s breath hitches and he leans in, pressing his lips to the corner of Karl’s mouth. Their eyes close and their noses rub together gently. Sapnap licks his lips and breathes shakily, “You’re the one.”
Karl’s eyes open slowly, green meets blue. He smiles warmly, his eyes crinkling and watering. A tear slips out and down his cheek. Karl giggles wetly, “You’ve got my devotion.”
Sapnap closes the gap between them, pulling Karl into the kiss he wanted before. Karl surges forward, holding onto Sapnap like his life depends on it. Karl opens his mouth, deepening the kiss. After a moment, Karl pulls away. “What about everything you said? The fans? Coming out?”
“I thought about it and you’re right. We don’t have to admit or deny anything. We can just be us, we can be together. Come out on our own terms. I don’t mind being a secret for however long we need” Sapnap answers. Karl beams and leans in to press another sweet kiss to his lips. Sapnap hums into the kiss. Once they pull away, Karl says, “I feel the same way. Sapnap, you’re all I want. We’ve got this, wherever this path leads us.”
Sapnap smiles softly and presses a gentle kiss to Karl’s lips. “We do, partner. Isn’t that what you called me that one time? On the plane?”
Karl laughs loudly. “Let’s not talk about me being a doofus in love. I didn’t even know it at the time.”
“When did you know it?” Sapnap asks. Karl smiles. Honestly, he replies, “In Antarctica. When I got into your sleeping bag and you held me. I knew it then.”
“Me too. I almost kissed you” Sapnap confesses. Karl’s jaw drops, a bright smile forming on his face. “That explains the ‘you’re so pretty.’”
Sapnap rolls his eyes. “Shut up and come here.”
"Gladly,” Karl says before locking their lips together.