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The phone ringing suddenly woke him up from his nap. It has been days since he slept on a real bed, he managed with the few hours he got, only because he was exhausted not because of sleepiness.
The search for Dean was at the same dead end it had been for weeks; even with Cas flying around, nothing improved. Sam didn't want to lose hope. He couldn’t lose hope. He had already done it when Dean was stuck in Purgatory with Castiel and he still hadn’t forgiven himself, so no, this time he wouldn't give up, at cost of going on researching for further months.
The text was from Castiel.
Check your computer NOW.
I’ll come as soon as I find out something.
Now this was strange. They hadn’t found anything for three months. Could it be that-
No. Sam removed those horrible thoughts from his mind and turned on his computer. He had a new email from an unknown sender with a link attached and the sentence ‘Click here for the show’. Normally he would have ignored it, but if it hadn’t been something compelling, Castiel wouldn't have sent a text — he preferred suddenly appearing in the bunker to let Sam know he still hadn't found anything.
He clicked the link and a new page opened with a video. The screen was still black though, as if it were live streaming and were still buffering.
“I could not find any information.”
Sam could hardly avoid a not very manly squeak and hit the table with a hand.
“Damn it, Cas! Would you mind telling me what this is about?”
“Wait a moment.”
He was about to reply when the image changed, and what they saw wouldn't have been forgotten easily.
It was a small room, with strong neon lights that focused on the centre. On the right side there was a metal table covered by a white sheet with — was that blood on it?
What immediately got the angel and the hunter’s attention was the figure in the middle. Dressed only with a pair of boxer briefs and chained at the ceiling, was Dean. Or at least they were sure of that because they got the message.
His face was completely bruised: black eyes, dried and fresh blood on his forehead and coming out of his mouth, cuts on his cheekbones and a strage symbol on his right cheek. The rest of the body was what made Sam shiver. Sigils of every type covered his brother’s torso, carved with a sharp blade and some still bleeding.
Sam turned away to try and swallow the bile and he caught a glimpse of Cas’ face.
If someone had told him that angels could feel not only physical pain and cry, he would have certainly laughed in their faces. Castiel was sat, hands gripping hard the table, reclined toward the computer and cheeks wet from silent tears.
“D-Dean…”
Thirteen weeks earlier
“Come on, Cas! Nothing will happen to me! It’s the same old hunt, plus it’s near the bat-cave so we don’t have to travel for hours like most of the times.”
“No, Dean. It’s too dangerous for your conditions.”
“It’s just a scratch!” Dean was exasperated. The last hunt didn’t really go that well.
They finally killed the last werewolf but only after it had clawed at Dean and almost tore away his side. So Sam, who had just been thrown against a tree, regained consciousness and shot the monster killing it.
Without the beast keeping him standing, Dean had collapsed to the ground, in pain and heavily bleeding from the ripped shirt. Sam had immediately called Castiel who arrived and teleported them to the bunker, Impala included. Not even a second after appearing in the library, Dean was put in a chair with Sam trying to hold him still and keep his eyes open, which was the most important thing at that moment.
Castiel was finally an angel again, but he still wasn't fully charged with his mojo and wasn't able to resurrect people yet, only heal them, thus in that moment was essential that Dean stayed awake.
While his brother was slapping him and his angel was removing his jacket and his shirt to see the wound better and heal him faster, Dean was giving up to the pain. He was tired, too many things happened in the last months and the only way he could sleep at night was drinking, with resulting hangover the morning after.
But that moment, when he was feeling his last strengths leaving him, could be the end. However as he was finally letting go, he heard something that forced him to fight the impending darkness.
“I won’t permit you die now Dean. Hold on a few seconds. Please. I need you.”
The last part was almost a whisper but Dean understood it.
“Cas…”
And he felt a hand gripping his as a ‘it’s all right, I’m here’, a sensation of freshness and then nothing.
When he opened his eyes he realized he wasn't dead. He was feeling an itch at his right side and lifted the covers with difficulty to see what he had there. A thin but extended scar took up the most of it. ‘Okay Dean. Breathe. Try to remember what happened.’
“Hello Dean.”
“CAS!”
“I beg your pardon, it wasn't my intention to startle you.”
‘As usual’. Dean thought.
“What happened to me? How long was I gone?” Because with a mark that big he surely didn’t just take a beauty nap.
“Complications while you and Sam were hunting a werewolf. It gripped your side and we almost lost you. I could heal you quickly but the scar will take a while to disappear.”
“Fuck… How long did I sleep?”
“About two days, your body needed the rest you were depriving yourself of lately.”
“Geez, Cas, you surely get to the point.”
Cas tilted his head squinting his eyes and looking at him as if reading into his mind.
“Dean, it’s not unusual you have difficulties to sleep after the events of the last few months and the bottle of liquor on your bedside table is proof of it. Sam threw it away in any case.”
Was it really that easy looking into him? Sam must have caught something but, knowing him, that pain in the ass of his little brother hadn't said anything, probably to avoid being bald all at once.
While he was trying to persuade Castiel into being actually able to take on a new hunt even after little time, Dean was getting more and more nervous. Why didn't the angel trust him? He wasn't a kid, accidents like that could always happen but they all knew the risks. Now he had to stay in the bunker and let Sam take the case.
“Dean, maybe Castiel is right. Considering it’s an easy hunt I can go alone, it’s not the first time.”
“Sammy, I do trust you, but I don't wanna spend another day in here, five days in a row are too many.”
Sam didn’t listen to him, he glanced at Cas who promptly locked Dean from behind — was this scene prepared? — then took the keys of the Impala and ran outside, grabbing his jacket.
“Why is everyone against me?”
Dean dropped his head and sighed resigned. And he realized Castiel’s arms were still around his body.
“Cas… Hey, you can let me go now.”
“My apologies, Dean.”
Dean said nothing more and went to fix himself a drink from the bar, if he had to stay in the bunker with Castiel, he needed to drink. He noticed they were running out of bottles. And suddenly came up with an idea.
“Hey, Cas. Listen, we’re almost out of bottles here, could you go and do a little shopping? As you can see my car’s not there and we need a few things. Here, I’ll make a list.”
He took paper and pen and started writing what they needed asap; he gave the note to Castiel who disappeared in a blink. Dean immediately grabbed his jacket, wallet and gun and exited the bunker as fast as he could, hoping the angel would take a while to find him — he needed to be alone after such a long time.
While he was heading to the closest bar, his phone rang. He took it and saw that Castiel was calling him; he turned off the phone and continued along his way. He grabbed the gun when he heard some noises behind him, but as soon as he did something blocked him from behind.
“Winchester. Pleasure to meet you alone.”
Then, blackout.
“Cas, how could you lose him? I’ve been out for fifteen minutes, it’s not possible!”
“I think I was mislead by your brother, Sam. He asked me a favor and I left him alone, I never thought he could escape.”
“Yeah, but he did it anyway. I though you knew him by now. Apparently you still always believe him.”
Sam got only silence from the other line and tried to fix the situation.
“Hey, Cas, I’m sorry. I’ll be at the bunker in two minutes so we can try to find a solution, don’t run to find him now.”
Cas hung up — he still hadn't learnt to greet — and thought about Sam’s words.
‘Apparently you still always believe him’. And it was true. Castiel always trusted Dean, even when he had no reason to, his faith in the hunter never failed, in fact it only strengthened. In that moment though, he felt different feelings for Dean; he felt betrayed, angry, worried, even if concern was the strongest.
‘Sam said not to run to find him. But I have to do something. What if he-’
Castiel didn’t want to think about what could have happened to Dean and, blatantly ignoring Sam’s advice, he took a flight of reconnaissance in the area. In the end only a few minutes had passed since he left Dean and, not having found him, he had called his phone which was already turned off.
Cas had tracked its GPS signal and, when he found it on the ground on the side of a road, he held his breath and knelt to pick it up. When he took it he noticed a piece of paper under it. Have a good hunt. The angel tore it up and went back to the bunker even more upset and found Sam sitting waiting for him.
“What did I tell you Cas?” he asked standing up.
“Dean was kidnapped.”
The youngest Winchester fell on the chair and run a hand through his hair. Dean. Kidnapped. It wasn't the first time but usually it happened during a case and he didn't feel like his brother put himself in trouble to make this happen.
“Next to the phone there was also a note that said Have a good hunt. So the kidnappers want something and know who he is and who we are.”
Castiel tried to stay calm while informing Sam, because he could understand that he was freaked out by his brother’s disappearance and needed support.
Sam didn’t reply. He stayed there, with a hand covering his mouth and teary eyes.
“Sam?”
“Do you think they killed him?”
Castiel hadn’t thought about that. Knowing that Dean was abducted meant that he was still alive, right? Now that Sam pointed that out, the angel could not hold it together anymore and dropped on a chair.
“I don’t know, Sam. I hope not.”
Dean woke up suddenly because he had heard a familiar noise. They were coming back.
He didn’t believe anymore that he could escape from that place, he didn’t have enough strength and he would have preferred they stopped all his suffering; he couldn’t bear another Hell.
His kidnappers, an angel and a demon, waited regular time intervals between one ‘session’ and the other, deciding when he could rest and freeing him from the chains every time they finished.
He heard them enter in the room and he didn’t move from his fetal position on the floor.
“Dean, Dean, Dean. When will we ever learn to greet people when they come visit you? Didn’t your parents teach you the good manners? Oh, right,” the demon chuckled, “Your mommy died when you were little and you daddy denied you your infancy.”
His words were accompanied by a kick in the stomach, then another and another one.
“Stop! We have other plans for him today.”
Here’s the angel of the situation. His only purpose was to avoid his death and bring him back when he came close to it
Dean was lifted and chained, ready for another torture session.
“Why don’t you kill me already?”
His voice was trembling and like a whisper, but the two supernatural beings heard him well.
“Because both your little brother and your feathery boyfriend made us reeeeally mad, so someone has to pay.” It was the demon talking, “So today we thought we would do a little show to celebrate our lovely three months relationship.”
Dean’s eyes widened, for what he could. Three months. How could it be possible? Time passed faster than he thought. He immediately felt a stab in his heart, not from the two beings, something stronger he only felt sometimes. Three months passed and Sam and Cas still hadn’t done anything?
As if it read his mind, the angel spoke, “Exactly, Dean-o. Your little brother and your angel didn't look for you. Of course, they did in the beginning but then they lost hope. Now though, to remind them what pain is, we thought about something special.”
Dean had dropped his head again so he couldn’t see what was happening.
“Well, Dean. Look at this wonderful present we made you.”
In front of him there was a tripod with a camera on it, everything connected to a computer with a website loading. After a few moments the screen changed and he saw his figure in the middle of the room. He couldn’t see very well, but the signs on his chest and abdomen made him shiver.
“Say hi to our viewers, Dean. Don't be rude.” the demon mocked him, “Sammy and Cas have waited months to hear from you, don’t let them wait any longer.”
“Fuck you…”
“Sorry, what? I don’t think I heard you.” The demon leaned closer to Dean’s face to hear better.
“You heard perfectly and I’m not gonna repeat myself, you filthy demon.” Dean spat in its face.
The demon laughed and cleaned his face with the back of his hand, then he went to the table and picked a clean blade. “Haven’t you already learned the lesson? Let’s show them what happens when you’re not respectful.”
The first cut was on his right arm. Then another. It moved to the other. Until then Dean wasn’t screaming, only his breath quickened and became troubled. He didn’t want to show weakness to Castiel and Sam, he couldn’t show them he was giving up.
The demon didn't agree, he wanted a performance, a real show. So, not satisfied, he changed the blade with a thicker and shorter one and stabbed him in the side. He reached his aim, an agonizing scream from Dean.
“Good boy. Let our viewers hear you.” And stabbed him in the other side.
The torture went on for another hour, then the angel healed his worst wounds and they freed him for the chains, leaving him bleeding on the floor.
“Don’t worry Dean, it will keep on recording so they can see when you wake up screaming from your nightmares.”
The door slammed shut, leaving Dean alone in the room with the camera and the computer. Knowing that his brother and the angel witnessed and listened it all made him sick and he pushed himself up a bit to throw up, blood mostly.
Sam had left the room and the bunker after the first scream, unable to watch more. Castiel stayed for the entire session, and he was still there to see how Dean was reacting. The angel knew what the hunter lived in Hell, the torture he was subjected to and the tortures he inflicted, so he was aware of the damage these ones could have on Dean’s mind.
Seeing him alive was probably the best news Castiel got in a long time, but his conditions weren’t comforting at all. He recognized the sigils on Dean’s body even if he hadn’t seen them for millennia: they weren’t used anymore, especially because now the angels didn't need to wound humans’ souls. He knew that these particularly aimed to hurt at the touch of the loved one; not a familiar or friendly love, it had to be that special union of two souls that bounded them for eternity.
Putting aside every other matter, he focused on the man in the video in front of him.
Dean was pale and he had lost a lot of weight and muscles. He didn’t have a beard nor his hair grew, perhaps they used the angelic mojo to prevent growth, to avoid any hindrance. The worst thing though was the blood. It was everywhere. On his face, leaking from the temple, on his arms, chest, legs. It was the same image he saw in Dean’s nightmares regarding his thirty years of enduring tortures in Hell.
Suddenly he heard a faint sound from the computer.
“Cas… I-I… I’m sorry for my behavior. Don’t worry I have-” Dean stopped, shaken by retching, then continued. “Everything under control.” Then he passed out.
After another hour of watching over Dean’s sleep, Castiel heard that Sam retired in his bedroom, so he decided to keep on checking on the hunter until he woke up or something happened.
The first change happened after four hours Dean fell asleep; the door opened and closed, a tray with some water and a piece of bread pushed inside. The hunter woke up but didn’t show any sign of leaving his position on the floor. Only when he was sure no one was ready to attack him, Dean dragged himself to the tray, ate quickly the bread and sipped the water, then turned to the camera and spoke.
He didn’t know how long since he spoke to Castiel hoping the other heard him, but after filling his stomach with what little he was given, he decided to try again.
“Hey, Cas. I imagine you’re still there watching, right? There’s something I want to say and if Sammy’s not there with you, please let him know.” He paused to check nobody arrived but as usual his kidnappers had abandoned him. “You have to know that I didn’t lose all hope at the beginning, I immediately tried to fight but I couldn't resist long. Does it seem familiar? Anyway they later told me that you stopped looking for me and moved on; I didn’t believe them and time passed, so I gave up. And stopped fighting. The only problem was that they didn’t want to kill me and end this. Fuck, even now I hope they just killed me already.” The hunter’s voice was trembling and he dropped his head in his hands. “Now though I have to find a way out, will you help me in any way possible?”
Dean stayed quiet, as if he was hoping that someone answered him or as if his angel suddenly appeared in front of him, but nothing happened. He sighed and closed his eyes.
“If you’re still there, tell Sammy I love him and that I’m sorry for everything.” The he took a deep breath,” Cas, I need to tell you something, buddy…
“Cas, I-”
Dean stopped; he heard movements outside. A few moments and the door burst open and the light was turned on.
“Well, well, well. I see that our little friend deduced to finally talk. You know, I miss our conversations, you have such a beautiful voice.” And the demon kicked him in the face, making him fall down. He continued with the kicks, aiming the most painful spots in the whole body. Dean tried not to scream at first, but after a while he couldn’t resist any longer.
“Please Cas… I need you.” He managed to articulate the words between the kicks, though he wasn’t sure his angel understood him. Someone else did.
“Ow, the baby needs his angel. I’m sorry Dean, but here we only have one who’s really pissed off because of your Cassie.”
That said, the demon left the room, leaving Dean with the angel. Although the demon was the one to inflict physical pain, the angel could enter his mind and psychologically torture him. Plus, it was his knowledge to provide for the realization of the sigils he had carved in his skin. From what Dean could understand, the effects of them would show only in circumstances that could not take place, so he didn’t care that much.
But the expression on the angel’s face worried him.
“What were you saying to Castiel? You do know that you will never be able to hear him pronounce those same words? It’s not in our nature, and not even in yours long ago, am I right? You were never capable of saying it, not even in deathly situations, regardless of the person you had to tell it to. Do you know why?” The angel leaned towards him and lifted him from his hair, “Because you don’t have a heart, Dean Winchester. You don’t have the ability to prove those feelings, it’s all an illusion. No one will ever reciprocate. Who could? You’re just a reject of this filthy humanity, your soul is dirty and broken and everyone would be happy without you around. Look at Sam; without you he could rebuild his life, but when you reappeared he had to give everything up again. You’re pathetic.” And he flew the hunter across the room.
“Later, Dean, sleep well.”
But Dean was already out and hoping he would never regain consciousness.
Castiel was still thinking about what Dean was about to tell him. Could he…? Maybe he…? Apparently, from what the angel was saying, it seemed that.
This torture was even more distressing than the previous; the only thing Cas wanted to do was shaking Dean and convince him that he was important to this world, to him, to Sam. That his soul was the brightest and purest he had ever seen and that he didn't have to listen to those words.
But obviously Dean couldn’t hear him. And all Castiel could do was wait. He would never lose his faith in Dean.
Dean woke to a sharp pain in the head and remembered he was being thrown against the wall. He rethought about the previous hours events and about what he almost said to Cas. He decided it didn’t matter, after all he would never know what the angel reaction could be and the certain lack of answer would have only hurt more.
He stood with difficulty and limped towards the camera, he still had to say something to Castiel before it was too late, and he was sure he was in front of the computer to see his pathetic show.
“I know you’re still there, now there’s also Sam most likely, but I don’t care anymore. I’m sorry guys, but I can’t stand it longer, my only hope is that they’ll give you my corpse back when I’m dead. Burn me, I don’t want to come back in any way, I’m tired. In Heaven I’ll finally be able to rest and relive my best memories. I’ll see you there, in a long time Sammy.
With that, he went back to the wall and slid till he was on the ground, praying that his kidnappers arrived quickly. The door opened and the demon entered with a pleased smile on his face.
“We really can’t say those words, uh? Think about it, your Castiel could say it, but he still hasn’t completely realized, and you will die without hearing it from him and without saying it back. Pity, I’ve always love romance.”
The demon came closer, lifted him and threw him on the ground face flat, moving the camera to frame his back. “But I still can’t kill you, we have to make them suffer a bit more, don't you think? Until now, your little brother hasn't seen any of our chats, he always leaves the room.” He turned to the camera, “Sammy, believe me, you don’t wanna miss this.”
He took a knife and started slicing the still intact skin. Dean, who had stayed silent, began whispering nonsense that the demon confused with simple whimper.
“You crying now, Dean? You sure ain’t making a good impression on our public.” He laughed and kept on working.
Dean voice raised and at that point the demon paled, figuring out what was happening.
“… Ut Ecclesiam tuam secura tibi facias libertate servire, te rogamus, audi nos!”
The body of the demon bent back and from his mouth overflew the typical black smoke that disappeared under the door.
Dean closed his eyes and breathed deeply trying to ignore the sharp pain in his back — he could feel the blood flowing and he guessed he would end up laying in his blood.
“Shit…” Then he realized something. If he wanted to get rid of the angel too and get out of there, he had to break every sigil on the wall and send back to Heaven the bird. Right now he couldn’t move because of the cuts on his back so he focused on staying awake.
“Cas, Sammy, I couldn’t think of anything else to get him to come here. Now I just have to catch the bird.”
Castiel and Sam looked at each other, not sure they heard well what Dean had said. Did Dean really decide to let himself die? It wasn't him, not in that way at least.
Immediately the demon entered the room, moved Dean and the camera and the torture began, but aiming to kill the Winchester. They watched the cuts he was making, deep and leaking blood, too much blood. Sam forced himself to watch it all, if that was his last chance to see his brother alive, he wouldn’t have missed it, suffering aside.
Then they both heard the end of the exorcism and saw the demon disappear, leaving the hunter alone, lying on the floor and unable to stand.
“Come on Dean, don't let go, please.” Sam was praying him though he knew his brother couldn't hear him.
“He can do it, Sam. And we have to be ready to bring him here as soon as he manages to free himself. Start preparing the necessary to heal his wounds, I can’t cure them with my Grace, they used blades and sigils that touched directly his soul and the touch of an angled may hurt him more.” Cas told Sam, without revealing the real motive why he couldn’t heal Dean, because maybe he would not be able to touch him without injuring the hunter.
Sam left the room to go and fetch bandages, disinfectant and other stuff, then returned and with Cas waited for Dean to react before the angel came back.
Half an hour later and the hunter moved. He stood, dipped his fingers in his blood and started drawing lines on the sigils on the walls to break them and allow Castiel to find him. Then they watched him drawing on the floor the angel banishing sigil, lying next to it and wait.
“Cas, can you find him already?” asked Sam.
“Yes, Sam. But I can’t risk that Dean thinks it’s his kidnapper and sends me away. We have to wait for the angel to go to him.”
Sam was tired of waiting but it was all they could do.
Eventually Dean stood up and started breaking all the sigils on the walls with his own blood, then he traced one on the floor, the angel banishing one. He laid down next to it, hiding it without ruining it and waited.
After a while the door opened and the angel entered.
“How did you do it?” And he threw himself at Dean with his blade in one hand.
“Fuck you, asshole.” Dean touched the sigil at the same moment the angel was stabbing him with the blade and the room was suddenly lightened.
When Dean reopened his eyes he was alone, but he felt a strange itch in his left side; he turned his head to see better and found the blade stuck under the ribs.
“Cas, I really need you right now.”
Castiel appeared next to the hunter and touched him with two fingers on his forehead, “It’s all right Dean, you’re safe now.” And brought him to the bunker, where Sam was waiting.
“Okay, Dean. Now you have to stay still. Cas can you hold him upright?” Sam had already pushed Dean on a stool but he needed the angel’s help, but the latter didn't move.
“Cas?”
“I’m sorry Sam, but it’s better for him if I don’t touch him. I’ll explain everything, just not now.”
Cas only removed the blade from the hunter’s rib cage and brushed against it to avoid him bleeding to death, then started giving Sam all he needed to clean his brother’s wounds.
They spend the following hour disinfecting, bandaging and, sometimes, stitching Dean and when they finished, Sam helped Dean to stand and brought him to his bedroom, laying him down carefully.
He left the room and went back to the library to talk with Castiel who stayed to put everything away and clean the floor, the table and the chairs form all the blood.
“Okay, Cas. What the fuck is happening? Why can’t you touch Dean?”
“Please, Sam. I’d like to have this conversation with your brother first.”
“Damn it! Sorry, but all this situation looks crazy to me. I still can’t realize we found Dean, not in his best conditions, but at least he’s alive.” Sam dropped on a chair and rubbed his eyes.
“Go to sleep, Sam. I’ll watch over your brother and I’ll let you know if something happens.”
Sam didn’t say a word but stood and went to his bedroom. Cas walked quietly to Dean’s room and sat near his bed, watching the hunter’s regular breathing while he slept.
This situation reminded him of the one three months before, Dean had almost died, but what Castiel now felt wasn't even comparable. The angel was terrified of what could happen to Dean if he touched him for too long — nothing happened when he brushed his fingers — and he was still thinking of a way to heal the hunter’s soul. Sure, the idea of leaving the brothers and help them when they needed came up in his mind, but he couldn’t separate from Dean.
The hunter turned in his sleep and groaned painfully. He opened his eyes and blinked around confused, noticing the angel’s figure next to his bed.
“Cas? How is it possible? Did it work? Since when I’m here?”
“Don’t worry, Dean, you’re safe now. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Castiel leaned towards Dean but he didn’t dare touch him. “Your plan, as foolish as it was, worked and you’ve been here for ten hours, asleep for nine.”
Dean considered the answers for a moment before asking Cas, “Can you tell me what the sigils on my body mean? The angel told me they would do anything at first, but he seemed satisfied once I spoke with you.”
Castiel didn’t expect to explain the soul matter immediately, but he did anyway, he knew how much Dean hated it when he kept secrets from him.
“They are very ancient symbols, angels haven’t used them for millennia. They cause pain to human souls. These particularly cause an unbearable pain to the human when the person they love — who reciprocates — touch them.
“It must be a strong love, not the one of a friend or a relative, a love that bounds two souls for eternity.”
Dean’s eyes widened, as if he realized what that meant, “Does it happen even if they’re not two human souls? Even if they’re, for example, soul and Grace?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Shit, great.” Dean rubbed a hand on his face, which hurt and was hard to do, “Cas, please, be honest with me. If you touched me right now, would I suffer to the point of risking to die?”
Cas didn’t answer, he just watched guilty the hunter stretched on the bed, who had removed the hand and was watching him back. Dean had his fears confirmed, that’s why the angel had looked so smug; because if he had reunited with Castiel he would have suffered anyway.
“What can we do?”
“I don’t know yet, Dean. We can try looking in the Men of Letters’ books, but for now I think that every contact between the two of us is to be avoid.” Cas sighed and leaned back on the chair, it was incredible how many human manner he had acquired since being with the Winchester.
“There’s something I still need to tell you, Cas. The last time I couldn’t but I want you to hear it.”
“Don’t worry, Dean. I know. Rest.”
Dean looked like he wanted to say something but he closed his eyes and fell asleep in no time.
Cas left the bedroom and headed to the library to look for any piece of information he could find to cure Dean’s soul. While he was reading the third book, Sam joined him and brought a lot of coffee. That’s how they spent the following hours, after that Castiel explained to Sam what was happening between him and Dean. Sam wasn't shocked and didn't ask any question, starting immediately to work.
After more than fifty books read and three pots of coffee, Sam found something in an old dusty book that had notes and annotations on various sigils.
“Cas! I found something! Get this, ‘Among the most difficult sigils to break, not impossible, are those that interfere on the human soul. Specifically, the most painful of all, that engages two soulmates, can be broken with the raw contact of the two souls. It is said to be possible even when the two souls bonded are not human, however this procedure puts in great danger the life of the one directly damaged.’ Okay, so we know it works theoretically, but trying it might be really dangerous.”
“We should wait for Dean to get better, until he has gained weight and his worst wounds are healed. Until then we can’t get too close to avoid any casual contact.” Cas showed sadness through his words and Sam placed a hand on his shoulder to reassure him.
“Don’t worry. If it doesn't bother you, I’d go to sleep, I have to get a few hours back.”
“Goodnight, Sam.”
Sam waved at the angel and went to his room. Castiel stayed to read the volume Sam had found, to try finding more information. At some point, someone else entered the room and Cas looked up to see Dean moving a chair to sit. He put on some sweatpants but he was shirtless because of the gauzes and the stitches.
“Shouldn’t you be in bed?”
“Nah, I slept enough. What about you? Found something?”
“Actually yes, but to try it we should wait until you’re physically better, we don’t know what risks we may find.”
Dean nodded slowly and thought about the current situation. The only thing he wanted to do was hugging Cas — and maybe more — but he couldn’t, and that annoyed him. There was one thing, though, he could do that only needed words.
“Cas, I really need to tell you something. So now don’t try to interrupt me and even if you know already and I do too, I have to say it out loud. Okay.
“The first thing I thought about when I woke up in that room was ‘If they don’t do it here, Cas will kill me, for real this time.’ because I knew I had tricked you again. It was something I hadn't thought thoroughly, I followed my instinct. Anyway, while I was being tortured, I kept recalling all the loose ends between the two of us and that we never would have had the possibility to tie up.”
“There’s no need Dean-”
“No. Shut up and listen, I’ve had time to prepare this speech and I can’t stop now. Good. Then the only thing I had in my mind when they left me after every session was ‘I can’t die here, I have to tell Cas what I really feel.’ so I didn't give up. But time passed — even though I didn’t know how much — and my hopes fell. I wasn't resisting anymore and if they asked me something, I answered, I would have done anything to end that agony and leave. So one day they asked me what I wanted for the people I loved, and I told them I just wanted Sam to find a good girl, go back to school and have the life he deserves. They, laughing, said that I loved another person, more than Sam, more than my own life, because that angel was inside my mind and found it. Only then I realized that person, Cas, was you. I realized I was in love with you and maybe that’s what made me resist even if my body was screaming not to. I wanted to go back to tell you, I wanted to go when I found you months ago and tell you; stealing a kiss or two before and after a hunt, when we were risking our lives. When I found out you could hear me, I almost told you, but I couldn't because I was afraid you didn’t love me back, and my fears became truth when that angel spoke to me.
“But, when I found out you couldn't touch me, I slept peacefully for the first time in months, no nightmares at all. So, Cas, please, I need to hear it from you, then I can be sure it’s not all a dream.”
Their hands were close on the table in front of them but didn't dare touching, fearing the consequences. Dean was staring right in Castiel’s eyes, just like they were used to do since they met for the first time, in that way that made feel uncomfortable who was nearby when it happened.
Castiel smiled and leaned closer to the hunter.
“Dean, when I recognized the sigils that were carved in your skin, I immediately understood what would have happened at your return — because I was sure about this. And I knew I was to blame for your abduction and torture, but I couldn't deny what I felt for you. For this reason, Dean Winchester, you can convince yourself it isn't a dream because I am in love with you too.
Dean smiled for the first time in months and almost hugged his angel, but he fortunately stopped in time. “You don’t know how much I want to hold you and kiss you right now.”
“I do, and it will happen soon. All you have to care about is getting better, and I will help you as much as I can without hurting you.”
The couple spent the following hours taking, Cas talking and Dean listening what he had missed during his months of absence. He was updated on the news and the successes of the hunts, on their failures, on their losses and on the new recruits.
When Sam entered the library with two plates of food, one full of junk food for Dean and a healthier one for himself, the brothers hugged, happy to see each other after a long time and the two, Castiel only stayed there, conversed like the old times and Sam updated Dean on some pop culture, that Cas overlooked since he understood nothing.
After a month and a half since he returned, Dean was feeling a lot better; he gained some weight, muscle and looked like the same Dean. He still had troubles sleeping and he woke often because of the nightmares, but the sole presence of Castiel calmed him. They hadn't said they loved each other again, they knew it and they were happy that way.
They started preparing the ritual in the afternoon, to do it at night. They found an old warehouse and brought the few ingredients required, holy water and blood of the two people involved in the union. When night fell, Sam prepared a circle of holy water in the middle of the warehouse and Dean and Cas, already shirtless, kneeled in it; then Sam began drawing symbols on both of them with the other’s blood.
When Sam started reciting a spell in latin, Castiel had to touch Dean on the shoulder, right on the handprint left ages ago, still undamaged.
At the first contact with Castiel, Dean started screaming in pain, but he could stay upright and not fall down. After what seemed hours but was the time Sam spent to finish the spell, Castiel’s touch didn’t hurt anymore, it was instead soothing the pain he felt moments before.
Dean reopened his eyes to find a smiling and relieved Castiel, and he immediately held him tight. He had waited for months to feel the angel’s body against his and, now that he could, he didn't want to let him go.
The two leaned back enough to stare into each other’s eyes and Sam left to give them some privacy. Dean smiled softly, “Is it really over? No more constraints?”
“It’s over, Dean.”
“Good, then I can do this.”
Dean placed a hand behind Cas’ head and pulled him close until their lips touched. Soon the kiss turned from a slow brush of lips to intense. Their hands held everything they found and stroked every available part of their bodies.
When they both needed to breath, Cas rested his forehead on Dean’s.
He smiled and breathed deeply, “I love you, Dean.”
“I know, Cas.”