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Maybe Jihoon is stupid.
If he weren't stupid, he wouldn't be sitting on this swing at an empty park at 2 in the morning contemplating about decisions he's made 4 years ago. He didn't even know how he got there, all he knew was that he couldn't sleep and noticed that his clock on his bedside table was blaring 12:47am in an annoyingly bright red font; so instead of trying to fall asleep or taking a melatonin gummy, he got up and left.
He hated this. Not the swinging-at-the-park-at-2am part, but the fact that he's alone with his thoughts and not even his phone is enough to distract him from overthinking. It's a disgusting confession really, but he's learned to deal with it and tackle his thoughts upright without holding back, and now that he's implementing this way of solving his problems, he's learned that he isn't fully over Jeonghan at all. Or maybe he is?
This. This is what's bothering him.
How could he miss someone he thought he's over with already?
He could've sworn he dropped that man the moment he found out that he was dating his bestfriend— Jihoon introduced them to each other a few years back.
It was a fucked up situation with him telling his bestfriend that he couldn't move on, to the next few days finding out from another friend that the two have already been dating for a while and have been hiding it from him. It was a week full of confrontations and tears, it was ugly, but what could Jihoon do? Love knows no limits and he knows that if feelings could easily be removed then perhaps his friend wouldn't have dated his ex for his sake? In the end, all he did was understand and let them be.
But his thoughts right now aren't aligned with his decisions back then and it's bothering him, having thought that you've moved on from someone but suddenly missing them.
Or maybe he has moved on and all that he misses is the sense of familiarity that Jeonghan brings when he thinks of him. It was a good 4-year relationship and of course there were downs but he wouldn't have it any other way. The downs were a part of who they are and it made them grow. He just wishes that the love continued.
Maybe that's what Jihoon misses. The love Jeonghan gave.
Jeonghan wasn't much of a gifter or a talker, he was more of a serve-you-for-your-convenience type of guy. He prioritized making things easier for you and maybe that's part of what makes it hard for Jihoon, because now he has to do everything by himself when he got used to moving alongside Jeonghan. Jeonghan moved in accordance with Jihoon and Jihoon did the same. It was like doing the waltz except one was pushing a grocery cart and one was holding the list and picking up what was needed, or one was measuring laundry detergent and one was loading the clothes in the washing machine. Jeonghan even refills Jihoon's water bottles just because he hated the thought of Jihoon having to carry heavy bottles up to his unit.
It really is in the smallest of things.
And the music.
God, the music.
With Jihoon working in the music industry, he's surrounded by something that reminded him of Jeonghan.
It's torture.
Jeonghan used to send him links to songs he thought Jihoon might like. And sometimes, he sends those of what he likes to show Jihoon who he is. There's loads of personalities in a song and Jeonghan knew that it was the best way for Jihoon to get to know him better.
The main reason Jihoon got into bands was because of Jeonghan and now that he's gone he's been having thoughts if he really does like them.
Same with the color blue.
And the number 4.
And strawberry milk.
Would he even like these things if he hadn't met Jeonghan?
Maybe he doesn't really have much to contemplate about, not when it was Jeonghan's decision to end the relationship.
These are the thoughts that keep Jihoon awake.
And all he could do was walk back to his unit, tuck himself in, and stare at nothingness until the sun rose.