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theo sat staring at the kitchen wall, right where the kettle was nestled in the corner next to the microwave.
a single envelope sat in front of him. the others that came in the mail were quickly discarded and forgotten once theo had seen the familiar handwriting on the back of this particular envelope. the edge was torn and jagged as he had wasted no time tearing it open, however what was inside was not what he had expected.
theo had hoped for a letter. he used to get them all the time, which is why he immediately recognised the handwriting. he and liam used to write to each other back and forth after theo had moved out of beacon hills, and had refused to buy a phone due to corey getting into his head about the government spying on you through the camera, and whatnot.
so, they wrote. it was like they lived in the olden days, with theo’s cursive writing and liam’s 1st class stamps. theo loved when liam’s letters came through the mail; his heart would get slightly louder and faster, he’d always get this warm feeling in his chest and his face and could never stop the grin threatening to play on his lips. theo would sit at the kitchen table, much like he was now, with a nice hot cup of black coffee and the radio on in the background. he’d take his time reading through liam’s letters, which were often at least 3 pages because the kid could never stop writing. it always made theo smile; the thought that liam would spend hours sitting, writing about life in beacon hills just for theo. he recalls the time that he received a 10 page letter- 2 of which were just liam apologising profusely because the post men were on strike and he was unable to send them before. he had laughed at it then.
taken back to the present by the sound of rain beginning to pound at the windows, theo blinked. unlike those days, his coffee had gone cold a while ago, there was no cheesy pop songs playing on the radio, and he had no letter to read. instead, inside that envelope, was an invitation. in big, black, cursive letters, it read;
SAVE THE DATE!
You are invited to;
Liam & Hikari’s wedding!
Taking place on May 28th 2023…
theo had stopped reading shortly after that. the off-white card had fallen from his hand, gently floating towards the floor like a feather detached from the wing of a flying bird. his entire body had froze. wedding? this couldn’t be right. since when was liam even seeing someone else? he never mentioned anybody else.
was this what heartbreak felt like? theo’s whole body felt cold and heavy. his heart felt like it had just stopped working, like it had no reason to keep on beating.
he should have seen this coming. it had been at a couple of years since liam had stopped writing him. even before the letters had stopped, they had become less frequent and much shorter. theo had known he was losing liam, but he didn’t want to believe it. it couldn’t be true. but now, sitting in front of him, was an invitation to his wedding. his first love, and apparently, his first heartbreak.
he suddenly felt so stupid. of course liam had moved on, it had been years. subconsciously, he knew that their time was over; it had been for a while. he’d just never really come to terms with it, just assumed that one day they’d find their way back to one another like souls that are meant to be, do.
a single tear escaped theo’s eye before he could stop it. he fiercely wiped it away as if someone were there to catch him. he glanced at the invite once more, the big purple ribbon in the corner taunting him; laughing at him. what a fool. did you really think liam would send you a letter, asking how you were; if you wanted to get gack together? idiot. wow, talkative ribbon.
in a rush of anger, theo swiped his arm across the table, sending the envelope, invitation and his coffee flying to the floor. the mug shattered into a million pieces, a physical representation of how his heart currently felt. he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, leaning his palms on the table and taking a moment to get himself together before heading to the cupboard to grab the brush and dustpan.
once he had carefully discarded of the broken mug and mopped up the coffee puddle, theo bent down and picked up the invitation. the bottom left corner had been caught in the disaster; it was soaked brown by the coffee but other than that it was fully intact.
why would liam even send theo an invite? it confused him. they hadn’t spoken in a long time. theo hadn’t even realised they were meant to move on until now. did liam miss him? want to see him again, perhaps? maybe he just didn’t want theo to feel left out; if theo hadn’t been invited, he never would have known about the wedding. he’d probably eventually find out about it from someone else, and that would hurt a hell of a lot more, theo thought. maybe… maybe this was his way of asking for closure. sure, liam had moved on, but they never did get that, did they? at least, theo certainly didn’t. maybe that was what they both needed, that was what liam was really reaching our for. closure.
the thought caused theo more pain than he’d imagined. his heart physically hurt, the thought of liam telling his day to someone else in the same detail he did in his letters to theo. the thought of liam saying goodnight to somebody else, rather than writing it out for theo to read and to reread every night. it was like someone had their fingers wrapped around his heart and was squeezing it, seeing how far they could go until it broke.
before theo had left, he and liam used to whisper goodnight to one another before drifting off to sleep. it was one of their little “i love yous”. it had meant a lot to theo, because no one had ever said goodnight to him before, so liam made sure to tell him every night. because liam was no longer able to say it as they were lying next to each other in bed, he’d write it down in his letters for theo to read at night. theo would silently whisper it back, as if the moon would carry his message for him and take it back to his love, like liam could somehow hear him.
he shook his head. he wasn’t sure he’d go to the wedding. in fact, he knew as soon as he’d read the invite that he wouldn’t. he couldn’t trust himself. what would he do when he saw liam, all dressed up in a suit, probably looking more handsome than should be allowed?
theo wasn’t even sure what liam looked like anymore. they had still been in their early twenties when theo had left, and he hadn’t seen him in person since. did liam grow a beard, like he’d always wanted? theo imagined he’d be a bit broader than he was back then; big shoulders and a big chest; still with the same big heart encased behind it. he wondered if he’d continued to grow his hair out. maybe he cut it all off after theo moved. he remembered the feeling of his fingers carding through liam’s soft hair, the way liam would lean into his touch, running his hands through his dark locks as they kissed.
theo shook his head; he was causing himself unnecessary pain. if he thought about it hard enough, he could still feel the ghost of liam’s lips on his; the taste of the strawberry candy he was obsessed with on his tongue.
stop it, theo. he thought to himself.
as he dumped the last damp piece of kitchen roll into the bin, theo walked the length of his apartment to his bedroom. it was pretty bare; a bed, a chest of drawers, a desk with a lamp and some papers and pens scattered about. he sat down on his chair, picked up a pen and began writing those words for what might be the last time.
Dear Liam,
It’s been a while since I’ve written those two words. I suppose it’s been a while since you’ve read them, too.
How are you? I hope you’ve been good. I’ve been doing alright, I guess. I still work part time at that cafe I told you about, and I’m part time at university. I’ve missed hearing about your days.
I got your invite, by the way. Very fancy. Very you.
I’m not sure why you sent me one, exactly. I don’t know if you just wanted to see me again, if you still considered us friends and just wanted me to celebrate with you. If you just wanted to hurt me, or maybe you just thought I should know. Or maybe it’s none of those reasons. Maybe I’ll never know.
I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it. I can’t. I know this will probably be the happiest day of your life, and maybe I’m being selfish, but I can’t do that to myself. Or to you. Just the thought of you being in love and happy with someone else is enough to create cracks in my heart. I hope it’s a great day for you, I really do, but I won’t be apart of it. Maybe it’s for the best.
This will probably be the last letter I write to you, and I don’t expect to receive one back. But I hope you know that I will always, always love you. You will always hold a special place in my heart.
You are the one that showed me what it was like to be loved. I’d never experienced that before; I thought it was something that was for the weak. You proved to me otherwise; that love is strong. Perhaps that’s cheesy, but it’s true. It certainly got me through the hard times, and I can never thank you enough for that.
I hope you and Hikari live a wonderfully happy life. I really do mean that. Maybe one day I’ll be strong enough to come back, then I’ll congratulate you in person.
Thank you for loving me, and for teaching me how to love.
Yours Truly,
Theo x
by the time theo was finished writing, the paper was damp with tear stains. he couldn’t stop them from rolling down his face. he put the pen down and tried to collect himself; deep breaths. he beelined for the bathroom and splashed his face with cold water. once he returned, he looked out the window. the sky was already growing dark; the moon was rising over the horizon and the stars were dancing on the navy sea. he’d have to mail it in the morning, before he chickened out. walking back over to his desk, theo opened the top drawer and pulled out an envelope. he folded the letter nicely and slid it inside, sealing it shut with his tongue. he proceeded to write liams name and address on the back, along with a stamp in the top right corner. he went to close the top drawer but stopped for a moment, eyeing the one at the bottom; the one that contained every letter liam had ever sent him.
no, theo thought, don’t do that, one part of his brain told him, but the other half told him to look, to read them all. look for all the signs he had missed before; the signs of liam moving on.
he gave in to that side of his brain and opened the bottom drawer. inside was a small stack of papers, untouched since the last time theo had opened this drawer. he pulled the one from the top and began reading.
Dear Theo,
Today was crazy. Stiles won’t leave me alone! Honestly, you’d think he’s my mother if you’d see half the texts he sends me. “Have you eaten today?” “Remember your keys!” Don’t even get me started on his cooking tips.
Me and Mason met up for coffee the other day. I hadn’t seen him in a while due to Uni, but it was nice to see him, I miss him more than I thought I would. I miss you. You getter keep your promise, you owe me a dinner date at Beacon Hill’s Finest!
Me and Scott were looking at…
theo placed the letter down. he never did keep that promise; he’d told liam the day he left that he would come back and take him out for dinner snd liam never let him forget it, he mentioned it in every letter. Yet, theo still never did it. guilt swarmed in his chest as he picked up the next letter.
Dear Theo,
Malia has a spare ticket to this concert and she won’t let me to with her. It’s outrageous! I want to go so bad, I even offered to pay for the spare ticket. For some reason she won’t take me. Maybe it’s because she sees me as an annoying younger brother (Lydia told me she’d said that and I did NOT cry…) but I still want to go!
Anyway, I’m scouting out places for our little date. There’s a really fancy restaurant on 6th, but I think you need to wear suits and bowties to get in…
a lump formed in theo’s throat. he scanned his eyes over all the other letters and liam mentions the date in almost every single one, except the last few he’d sent.
Dear Theo,
I lost my phone again, I swear I left it on my bed!…
Dear Theo,
Lydia wants to take me to get my eyes tested. I told her I could see fine but she doesn’t believe me…
Dear Theo,
School’s going good. I aced my exam…
Theo,
I almost broke my nose on Friday…
Theo,
Glad you’re good. I’m pretty busy with school and stuff at the moment…
as theo reads, he notices the lack of detail as he goes on. the letters go from Dear Theo, to just addressing him by name. they go from talking in a great amount of detail to barely even mentioning what he’d done that week. an emotion overcame theo; one he hadn’t felt in a very long time. it was colder than sadness; deeper than guilt; scarier than pain. it hit him like a ton of bricks and reminded him of times in his life that he’d tried so hard to forget. it was like the dark, black cloud had drifted over his heart and he had no way of making it disappear. he sat down on his bed, holding liam’s last letter close to his chest, and stared up at the ceiling.
once liam’s letters had stopped, theo would still wish him a silent goodnight. maybe it was stupid, maybe it was pathetic, but it became a comfort to him. even if liam never knew it, it was a way for him to show his love.
with hot tears sliding down his face and into his ears, he looked out the window once more, to the moon that was glistening back at him, and whispered;
“goodnight, liam.”