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You look over the side of your rusty tramp steamer, holding onto the railings as you look towards your destination, North. It will be over soon, and you will be yourself again. After so long, you will be yourself again. The wind fluttering your hair, the smell of zeesalt, and the vast emptiness pressing down on you, it was nice. Not many things have been nice for you, in either your 27 years as your little human life, or in the countless years after your betrayal, so it was wonderful to have some abatement. The peace here, under it all, it reminds you of it.
Soon you will be yourself, and you will be able to see it again as you, truly you, and it will see you again. Some of your former Seekers searched for it, to follow its journey, they all fell into your search in the end, so you never saw that journey's conclusion. Perhaps once you have your wings, you will go east, and see it there with all it has made. Perhaps not. You still have to knock after all. The infinite roads of possibilities after that are before you, something you never had to grapple with before. Luckily there were no crew to distract you from this. They saw your haggard form, they saw the golden pools your eyes became. They know what happens to those like you, and that it is better to not get involved lest Vake the Betrayer gets them.
That is, all except one it seemed. Your first mate knew the danger of such things and persisted anyways. When you look to your left she was there, looking North, just like you. Just as you prepare to speak, you feel something. You could feel the wind like it was yourself, beckoning all who heard North, but there was a spot the wind did not flow through. A spot off your right, high in the sky, quiet, empty, as if nothing were there. If you were not yourself, you might have just assumed it nothing, a quirk of the Neath. You knew better. You had hoped it would have taken longer for your ex-cultists to make it back to London, that the Vake would not have an opportunity to stop you. You granted them a mercy, devouring their memories of the search, of your name, and all it has done is stab you in the back. You can only hope that the Vake will go easy on the crew.
Looking back to your first mate, you see the worry on her face. Before you can attempt to soothe her, she speaks, looking into your eyes. “You remember what I said before you went to the Iron Republic?” You do, after all you have done it is hard to forget anything anymore.
“I do, however I recall you asked the same question as I returned from the Iron Republic.”
“Yeah, I did ask it twice, well, I have to ask again. Is it worth it? Revenge, that is.”
You were not expecting to be asked this. That is supposed to be an easy question. That is supposed to be an obvious question. After all this time, after all this pain, after all this planning, this is supposed to be easy to answer. It would have been, had you been asked even a day ago, but after the Chapel of Lights, after seeing all those who venerated you through new eyes, seeing the pain and sorrow their acts of devotion relied on, repeating the suffering you experienced onto others... It has shaken your resolve.
Nonetheless, the question has an implied second part, irregardless of your answer. Is it worth it? What was the reckoning to be anyways? You never doubted yourself, why are you doing so now? Is it this version of you? This shaped vessel you prepared since their conception forcing you to live another perspective? You hold fast to the railing, unable to answer. You wish you could.
That was all the answer she needed, sighing as she looks back to the Zee. “You have changed, and I am not talking about just the eyes.” You are about to attempt an explanation when she cuts you off. “I don't need no excuse for it. You can't fool me, I've heard the stories of zailers going off the deep end seeking what shouldn't be sought.” The conversation is turning against you. In reaction, you speak of how she has changed, how she is far more confident than when you first brought her aboard, in your last few trips she might as well have been the captain. The flattery does little more then bring out a smile of hers.
“I just. I know you had set yourself down this road, and you think it is all you got left, but it isn't. You don't need to do this. You can turn back.” She has seen the charts, the course the ship is on. She could stop it. Thankfully she has not.
“What path is left, what else can I do, when all ways lead North?”
“I can't say if that's true or not, and I know I can't stop you from heading to that gate. Just, you don't have to do whatever you're intending to.” Irritation is rising in you, she just said this, what is repeating going to do? As you formulate a response, she continues. “After the entire debacle with the Iron Republic, I looked into your history. When your captain does something as insane as extended shore leave in the the Devils' playground it's only smart to get to know who they are. I saw all the things you went through, and you know what I did after that?”
You are not quite sure, you have far too many memories of discussions and talks with her to be able to pull the right one out with such vagaries. “I asked you 'in what way to Hell do you keep going like this? I have seen captains go through a drop of what you've done and go off the deep end.' And you know what you said? You told me 'I do not have some special way, I have no idea what way to go most of the time, but I know one thing: Love always finds a way, so I simply follow love, and it keeps me going.'”
You remember that now. It feels so long ago, a simpler time before you knew the truth, before you remembered you, the true you. Everything is so complex now, it could never be that simple again, never that straightforward. Or maybe it could. “How do you do it then? I have brought you along on quite a few trips that were career ending for most.”
She chuckles, looking back into your eyes, smiling. “Well, I love the Zee, I love the smell of zeewater, the wind in my hair, the peace of the waves. I love the adventures and discoveries, I love the adrenaline that pumps through my veins as I fight off Zee monsters. It's simple, I follow love.” She grabs your hands, holding them as if that alone could save you and keep you from going. “You are wiser than you give yourself credit for. Listen to yourself,”
Before you can react, she lets go, turning and joining the rest of the crew, leaving you alone. As your gaze tracks her, your suspicion rises. The Vake has not struck yet, why is that? Surely it would have done something by... That is when you notice it, the spot where the ship is pleasantly quiet, the place where the wind does not howl, or even touch. The point in which no water droplets find space, where nothing dwells. It is right there, peering into you.
Except, it does not feel like the observations of a predator, a beast preparing to pounce. It is a gaze you have not felt in a very long time. You are paralysed, overwhelmed, unable to act. It is right there, the Betrayer, the one responsible for all your pain, yet despite all that, despite all you had planned to do, you cannot do a single thing but look back. Underneath all that hate, all that anger, you still remembered the memories before the Third City. You both can feel it, the impossibility between you two. This should not be possible, yet here you both were, close, yet so far away.
You break free from the fear, beginning to reach out to it, to Veils, but just as you do, it is gone. A light gust of air flows from the bow against you, the results of lift off from a great winged beast. You can still feel it watching over you, somewhere high above. You turn back to the railing, looking towards hope, towards North. You grip the railing harder.
You try to ignore the tears streaming down your face.