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“Aww, MERUMERU I didn’t know you were falling so hard for me!”
Amagi grinned down at him and HiMERU blinked a few times before he understood the position he was in. He quickly regained his balance and hastily pulled himself free from Amagi’s grasp. They had been going over their routine for their next live show and apparently HiMERU had been too distracted and had stumbled and almost fallen - had Amagi not caught him. Rubbing his wrist where Amagi had so harshly gripped him, he noticed Kohaku watching them curiously, while Niki used the unplanned interruption of their dance choreography to flop dramatically to the floor.
“Can we take a break?”, he whined and for once HiMERU was glad for Niki’s inability to read the room and his talent to change the topic so fast.
“We had one not even fifteen minutes ago”, Kohaku replied flatly, looking down at his unit member.
“Please! The choreography is too hard to remember. How am I supposed to keep track of all of those jumps and turns?”
“Don’t worry Niki-kun~!” Amagi finally stopped looking HiMERU up and down and centered his attention elsewhere. “You’re already always a beat behind. It’s what the fans expect at this point! So don’t disappoint them by trying too hard~!”
“I’m always trying hard!” Niki shot back and crossed his arms in front of his chest. He looked even more like a pouting toddler now sitting on the floor like that.
HiMERU ignored them, walked over to his bag lying on the floor, and took out his phone. Half past two and no new messages. It eased and spiked his anxiety simultaneously. No phone call from the hospital meant the worst hasn’t come true yet, but it also meant there were no major positive changes as well.
“Just a small one so I can eat a quick snack!”
“You could have already eaten something in all this time we have been arguing.”
HiMERU tuned out his unit members' chatter in the background and instead checked the departing times for the public transport nearby. Should the hospital call he would be going immediately and he wanted to be ready.
Ready for anything.
He always paid the hospital a visit in the morning. It had become a nice routine to start the day calmly and peacefully before he had to put up with the craziness of his current idol work. Only this morning a doctor already waited for him to tell him that Kaname’s condition had rapidly worsened over the night and they were still searching for a reason. They hoped it was only a new low that would pass in the coming days but the chances of him not getting better were equally as high.
HiMERU knew that death was always looming like a shadow over Kaname but now that he was in a coma …
His hands shook when he put the phone away.
“Are you alright, HiMERU-han?”
Kohaku suddenly appeared next to him, pale brows furrowed in concern. Amagi and Niki were wrestling in the back with Niki screaming for help and Amagi laughing crazily above him.
“HiMERU is fine”, he answered Kohaku’s question.
“Hm, okay then.” The junior still watched closely as HiMERU drank a sip of water and pushed his hair out of his face. “I do not want to be noisy, but it seems like you are quite distracted today. I wanted to make sure you are feeling up for rehearsal.”
Before HiMERU could answer Amagi threw himself into the conversation, his arm around a quite furious-looking Niki.
“Is MERUMERU sick?”
“I have been wondering the same”, Kohaku said, “You look quite pale, HiMERU-han.”
Niki, who had been trying to get his ruffled ponytail back in order with Amagi’s arm still firmly around his shoulders, piqued up at their words as well. And in Niki fashion, he didn’t bother with a lot of words. Instead, he gently put a hand on HiMERU’s forehand before the idol had time to reassure them he was fine. The mortified looks and Kohaku’s face and even in Amagi’s eyes would’ve been quite comical (after all, they all knew full well how HiMERU felt about being touched without permission) hadn’t HiMERU been distracted by how warm and soft Niki’s hand felt on his skin.
It was almost comforting and it took him a split second later than usual to pull away.
“Don’t touch HiMERU”, he protested but it sounded weak even to his own ears.
Niki completely ignored his request and instead also felt both of his cheeks with the back of his hand:
“Hm, you don’t have a fever. Do you feel dizzy? I always tell you, you eat too little! You need more calories, especially on rehearsal days! You know what, I’ll get you something from the cafeteria real quick! Maybe a coke as well that usually helps with- Ow!”
Kohaku had kicked him against the leg while he tried to leave.
“You only want to buy something to eat for yourself.”
“No! I swear! Ow ow ow! Stop, no need to hit me! I haven’t even done anything bad yet! Ow, not my ponytail!”
Kohaku dragged him back by his hair and HiMERU had been so distracted by the two that he had lost track of Amagi. He got violently reminded however when he felt a presence behind him and Amagi’s hot breath tickled his ear.
“MERUMERU really isn’t feeling himself if he lets Niki touch him like that. I almost got jealous, you know, but then I thought I can also try my luck then, haha!”
An arm circled around his waist and pulled him back against Amagi’s body. The touch was uncomfortably hot and his grip too tight. HiMERU elbowed him in the chest, hard, and pulled himself free.
“Do not touch HiMERU!”
He stumbled a step backward, Amagi only laughing and there was a hand on him and HiMERU wanted to flinch away again, but it was much gentler than Amagi’s. Niki grasped his arm lightly so he could find his balance on his own and with slight pressure against his elbow guided him to one of the benches at the wall.
“You should sit down if you’re already dizzy”, the chef lectured him. He urged HiMERU to sit down while handing him a protein bar, the hand staying on his arm. The touch was tender and his hand was comfortably warm against HiMERU’s cold skin. Still, HiMERU had a reputation to uphold.
He reluctantly moved his arm away from Niki’s hand and stated:
“HiMERU is feeling fine-“
“You stumbled a lot today”, Niki cut him off and HiMERU looked up from the protein bar to see if the chef was mocking him but Niki’s eyes were blank as ever. Sometimes HiMERU thought it was scary how unreadable Niki was to him, simply because Niki never thought of much besides food. And someone without any ulterior motives was much scarier for HiMERU than someone he knew was suspicious from the start, like Saegusa for example.
“You also took way longer to remember the first set of steps. Even longer than me”, he said with so much worry and concern in his voice that HiMERU’s heart clenched, “Are you sure you’re feeling fine? You know it’s fine if you don’t, you don’t even have to tell us why if you don’t want to. But you really shouldn’t push yourself. Whenever I do that I faint and that’s pretty scary, you know?”
HiMERU usually didn’t get speechless that easily but he truly didn’t know what to say. He was at a loss for words while he stared at Niki, who gently took the protein bar from his hands again to undo the wrapping paper around it. Pushing back a few loose strands of hair behind his ear, HiMERU cleared his throat and scrambled for something to say.
“HiMERU feels fine and he is in perfect condition to work today”, he announced loud enough for all of his unit members to hear. “And HiMERU would appreciate it if we could continue with the training now.”
He said it sternly enough to end all further discussion and they went back to going through their routine. Though HiMERU noticed that especially Niki stayed a bit closer to him than usual, almost as if to catch him should he fall again.
“As far as I know phones don’t ring just because you stare at them.”
HiMERU was barely able to suppress a flinch and looked up, a bit too startled for his taste. He was sitting in the cafeteria of the ES building, none other than Niki standing next to his table and watching him with a mixture of curiosity and concern in his eyes.
How long had he been sitting here? He couldn’t quite recall what had happened after the humiliating training session. Spacing out like this throughout the day was not like him and he decided he hated it. Always being aware of his surroundings was necessary to keep his secret, he couldn’t afford to slack off like this.
“Are you okay, HiMERU-kun?” Niki’s brows furrowed and he started chewing on the end of the pencil he was holding over a block of paper, ready to take HiMERU’s order. “I told you, you can talk to us if something’s on your mind.”
“HiMERU is fine”, he replied irritatedly and shook his head, “Is Shiina here to try to tell HiMERU to order, because he would need to leave otherwise? HiMERU takes a coffee then.”
Niki only looked at him, slightly cocking his head. Normally, HiMERU wasn’t too attentive nor worried about Niki since he was way too dense to ever get behind the secret he was hiding. The chef was probably too naive to understand the full consequences of the situation should he ever find out.
But sometimes … in a stroke of either genius or pure luck, Niki was too observant for his own good, and together with his habit to wear his heart on his sleeve … it could potentially put HiMERU in trouble. In a very different way than Amagi or Kohaku could.
The guy wouldn’t even grasp that he just ruined HiMERU’s life.
“But you already had two coffees this afternoon and one this morning”, Niki said, “Too much caffeine isn’t good for you, you know?”
“How perceptive of you.”
He should’ve anticipated that when it came to food Niki’s attention was heightened.
“I don’t know what that means but it feels like you’re making fun of me”, Niki replied with a pout on his lips, one of his hands moving to his hip, “Anyways, you should rather eat something, HiMERU-kun, eating is way better than coffee. It gives you energy and makes you happy and …”
“HiMERU will take a sandwich then”, HiMERU cut him off before Niki lost himself in his love for food. A passion HiMERU couldn’t share with him. Food was a necessity for him, not something you treated as a hobby.
“A sandwich?” How did Niki manage to sound so distraught so quickly? “But that is a snack and not a proper meal! You could get some pasta, you know, I made it fresh before my shift started. Or soup! We got an amazing delivery of vegetables this morning! Or even a salad …”
“Thank you, but HiMERU will take a sandwich”, HiMERU stopped him again, putting a slightly more annoyed undertone in his voice so even Niki had to pick up on it.
He luckily did. The pencil slowly moved over the paper to note down HiMERU’s order, surely writing it wrong in any way possible.
“Okay, a sandwich then. Coming up, HiMERU-kun~!”
He smiled his usual bright Niki-smile but HiMERU didn’t miss the still concerned look in his eyes. HiMERU should compose himself a bit more to be his usual self. A worried Niki was troublesome.
Twenty minutes later he had forced himself halfway through his sandwich, Niki watching him like a hawk the entire time. He would need to cut down on his dinner now to stay in his planned meal schedule otherwise the sandwich would mess up his schedule too much. Mindlessly scrolling through a news app, he eyed Niki from time to time to see if his unit mate was still focused on him. Luckily with lunchtime approaching the cafeteria slowly filled with more and more people grabbing a bite to eat and Niki was too caught up in the many orders to spend any special attention to HiMERU.
HiMERU was more than glad about it. It allowed him to finally relax and let his guard down the tiniest bit. None of the other idols bothered to talk to him or dared to sit at his table. His reputation as a loner and deductive person who analyzed you against your will preceded him after all.
And Crazy:B’s reputation added a nice touch as well. He should thank Amagi at some point.
HiMERU scrolled through an article claiming the idol industry was failing, not reading a single word. The hospital still hadn’t called and at this point, his fingers itched to call them himself.
He gave in to the urge.
A short-breathed nurse answered the phone stating immediately it was a really bad time to call. HiMERU however only needed to state Kaname as the patient he was calling for and the tone in her voice changed from stressed out and overwhelmed to pitiful and soft. She put him through to Kaname’s doctor, who told him there were no new updates yet.
His condition was still verging on critical and they hadn’t found out what could’ve potentially caused it. Additionally, none of their treatments had shown any positive effect.
HiMERU thanked him with a lump in his throat and ended the call. His hands shook again and he put them around his cup of coffee to hide it.
This time he felt himself spacing out but he let it happen. Too overwhelmed to do much about it.
What if Kaname died?
Even though this scenario had always been part of the equation, HiMERU never really thought about it. He strongly believed Kaname would get better at some point and reclaim his position as the idol HiMERU.
He had to.
HiMERU wasn’t born to be an idol like Kaname was after all. This wasn’t his destiny. He just kept things rolling until his Kaname felt good enough again to take what was rightfully his from the start.
But what if Kaname died?
His heart started racing as he realized the only logical conclusion to Kaname dying: he would need to permanently take his place and keep the legacy of HiMERU. An honorable legacy indeed.
Why were tears stinging his eyes?
On a table not too far from him a few teenage boys abruptly started laughing, making HiMERU flinch. One of them had dropped his ice cream into his drink and created a mess all over the table.
“That’s why you eat it fast, Kanata! You’re just too slow, it’s melting, haha!”
“But I want to enjoy it…”
HiMERU knew them, they were an idol group from StarPro, and if his head hadn’t been already swimming with dark thoughts and even worse scenarios he surely would’ve remembered their name.
“Oh, HiMERU-san!”
He looked up and stared directly into a pair of purple eyes. Kazehaya Tatsumi. The worst thing that could’ve happened right now while he was sitting here vulnerable and not quite in his right mind. Kazehaya was not even the last person HiMERU wanted to talk to; he would be more than content to never talk to the priest ever again in his life.
Smiling gently, Kazehaya ignored the death glare HiMERU was giving him and continued to talk to him:
“It’s rare to see you here. How have you been doing?”
The rest of Alkaloid strolled into the cafeteria behind him: Amagi’s younger brother, the little blond one, and Ayase, whose name HiMERU only remembered so clearly because Niki refused to get it right.
Before he could even open his mouth to state HiMERU rather wanted to be alone, a warm hand landed on his shoulder. For a short awful moment, he thought Kazehaya had touched him but instead Niki’s voice sounded close to his ear.
“Here you are, HiMERU-kun!”, he exclaimed happily as if he didn’t know HiMERU sat at this table the entire time, “Good thing I found you! My shift is over, we can go now! Oh hi, Tatsumi!”
Niki was an awful actor but Tatsumi was nice enough to not comment on it. He played along when Niki asked for Ayase, who in the split second Niki appeared at HiMERU’s table seemed to have vanished. His hand stayed on HiMERU’s shoulder while he talked, squeezing slightly but not hard enough to make HiMERU feel uncomfortable. Kazehaya noticed, HiMERU saw, but again he only smiled brightly and chose to ignore it.
“We should really leave now, right HiMERU?”
Niki patted his shoulder, urging him to stand up and since whatever the chef was planning was probably way better than staying alone with Kazehaya Tatsumi, he could only agree.
“It’s quite late already”, Niki continued to unnecessarily explain, “Talk to you another time, Tatsumi!”
And like it was the most natural thing in the world, he took HiMERU by the hand and pulled him along. HiMERU could only stumble after him, glad to leave the devil that was Kazehaya Tatsumi behind.
Just a couple of steps later they exited the ES building, Niki still holding onto HiMERU’s hand. How were his hands still so warm? HiMERU didn’t mind however he felt so cold as if he never could warm up again. Niki dragged him down the steps of the ES building toward the bus stop on the other side of the street. His hand held on to his even after their reached the bus stop as if he was scared HiMERU would bolt and run away as soon as he let go.
“HiMERU has to thank Shiina”, HiMERU broke the silence, while Niki moved the finger of his free hand over the board with the departure times, “But he still has to ask, why Shiina pulled HiMERU away like that.”
“I don’t really know why, but I know you don’t like Tatsumi and so I thought I’d save you”, he took a quick look at HiMERU to see if he was angry with him, “If you don’t feel well, I don’t think someone you don’t like is who you want to talk to. I also rather cook my favorite dish whenever I’m sick, you know?”
HiMERU guessed that made sense. He seemed to have underestimated Niki’s perception of his surroundings but the thought of Niki caring enough to keep him away from Kazehaya drowned out the warning signals about keeping him at distance to keep his secret.
“Thank you”, HiMERU said again and Niki’s blue eyes softened.
“Nahaha, no problem~!“
“May HiMERU ask, where Shiina plans to take him?”
The tips of Niki’s ears turned red and he evaded HiMERU’s gaze.
“Ah well, I didn’t really think that far … Hm, let me think … Oh, we can go shopping! You could help me carry the bags, Rinne’s booze is always so heavy I can barely feel my arms after!”
Of course, Amagi wouldn’t do his own shopping. Sometimes HiMERU wondered if Niki truly was too dense to notice how Amagi was using him or if he was a masochist and liked it. Why would he put up with that man otherwise?
“Please, HiMERU!”
Niki had taken his silence as a no and was now doing his best puppy dog eyes to convince HiMERU to come shopping with him. HiMERU originally had planned to learn some more lines of their new songs and answer fan letters. Going shopping with Niki would destroy his whole schedule for today. On the other hand, he couldn’t really concentrate anyways with a possible phone call from the hospital looming over his head.
He could excuse himself as soon as his phone rang, Niki would surely understand.
“HiMERU will go with you.”
Niki’s cheering got drowned out by the bus approaching. They sat down in the back: Niki rambling on what he needed to get and HiMERU staring down at their still intertwined hands. He was surprised how little the touch bothered him, he almost forgot they were still holding hands hadn’t Niki used both of his hands to gesture wildly.
It didn’t bother him, but his reputation needed to stay flawless. A pity … his hand had just started to get warm.
“Can HiMERU have his hand back?”, he interrupted the chef and loosened the grip of his fingers, tugging slightly at Niki’s hand to get it free.
“But you’re still so pale. I just want to make sure I can catch you if you faint.”
A ‘HiMERU does not faint’ was already on his lips but there was genuine concern when he looked into Niki’s eyes and so HiMERU wrapped his cold fingers around Niki’s hand again and watched how the chef’s face lit up immediately. HiMERU couldn’t suppress a slight smile.
Kaname was forgotten throughout the whole shopping spree because Niki talked non-stop and his stories and chipper attitude distracted HiMERU well enough. They got a bunch of stuff, so much stuff in fact that HiMERU wondered how the chef usually got the groceries home. There was no way he could carry all of this just by himself, especially on a regular basis.
HiMERU lingered behind Niki the entire time they were in the store, being content with just pushing the shopping cart and listening to whatever wild story the chef told him about Amagi. How he almost set the curtains on fire when he chased Niki with a lighter through the apartment. Or how he brought a raccoon home not too long ago, claiming he won it in a street poker match. Knowing Amagi, Niki probably wasn’t even exaggerating much.
They passed the checkout and packed the groceries into bags Niki brought with him. Each of them with two bags in hand, they made their way to Niki’s apartment. Niki tried to keep the atmosphere relaxed and carefree and HiMERU tried his best to keep listening but they passed a healthcare advertisement (a billboard hanging above the entrance to a subway station) and the memories of the morning came crashing down.
The hospital hadn’t called.
Kaname’s condition was therefore still critical.
What if he-
“HiMERU-kun? Are you feeling dizzy again?”
A warm hand touched first his left then his right cheek. Niki had put one of his bags down to check HiMERU’s temperature again and this time HiMERU almost instinctively leaned into the touch. How was it so easy for Niki to break his train of thought?
“You got so pale again”, Niki continued, his brows furrowing even more in worry when HiMERU didn’t answer immediately, “Do you need to sit down?”
“HiMERU is fine”, he replied, this time soft and with a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
After all, Niki was genuine, unlike so many others, and he seemed to have found a way to look right through him because he ignored HiMERU’s lie completely:
“My apartment isn’t far. Do you think you can make it?”
HiMERU’s eyes landed for a moment on Niki’s hand, which grabbed the bag again, and it confused him why he suddenly felt cold and … disappointed?
But the thought of Niki’s warm apartment raised his mood.
“Yes, HiMERU will make it.”
Niki’s apartment was surprisingly not a mess but clean and tidy when Niki unlocked the door and held it open for HiMERU to step inside. The living room with the small kitchen area was pleasantly warm and bright and HiMERU dreaded already that he would have to leave now. Their dorm room would be dark and cold since with Niki and Amagi sharing an apartment and Kohaku spending most of his time at Reimei Academy, no one was there to preheat the room. Or keep him company.
It would be so lonely.
“Thank you for your help, HiMERU~!”, Niki cheered and put his bags on the counter separating the kitchen area from the living room. HiMERU followed suit.
“Ah, I’m so hungry now! I’ll make a quick snack before I prepare dinner. You should eat something as well”, he added, “You didn’t finish your sandwich in the cafeteria.”
“No, thank you. HiMERU should return to the dorm now. HiMERU does not wish to disturb your and Amagi’s evening routine.”
As much as HiMERU wanted to stay and relish in Niki’s company and the warmth of his apartment a bit longer, he needed to put a stop to this now. He already went way too far beyond his own rules. If there was a time to go back it was now.
He could feel his composure slipping more and more the longer he stayed with Niki and he didn’t want to find out what would happen if he stayed.
Niki’s response was a quick dive into the pocket of his jacket, a couple of keys with a small bee keychain dangling between his fingers just a moment after.
“I stole Rinne-kun’s keys, so he wouldn’t bother us-“, his cheeks flushed in an instant and he stumbled over his words as he tried hastily to backtrack: “I … I-uh, I mean, I thought maybe since you’re not feeling so well, you would’ve wanted to stay here for a bit. It’s quieter than the ES building and the dorms, y’know?”
“HiMERU appreciates the thought-” - but he should leave, was what he should say, but the way Niki bit his lip anxiously waiting for his response and the warmth of the heater creeping up his spine made it hard to get the words over his lips.
This day was pure chaos anyway.
“-and he would like to stay a bit longer”, was what he said instead.
The sparkle in Niki’s eyes and the huge smile across his face put all his doubts aside. After all, the hospital would call if something happened.
“Great! Well, what do you want to eat? I could make…”, Niki started to list potential snacks, while HiMERU got rid of his jacket and laid it over the backrest of the couch, careful not to let his phone fall out of his pocket. He walked to a stool at the counter, Niki still listed snacks while he put away the groceries, and laid his phone on the counter checking the screen for any new messages or phone calls he might’ve missed.
“Are you expecting a call?”
Niki put the eggs into the fridge and watched HiMERU over his shoulder.
“A friend of mine is in the hospital.”
The words spilled from his lips before he could stop them. Horrified at what he just said, he looked up at Niki. The blood vanished from his hands and face, his heart skipped a beat. Now he felt dizzy. Never in any of the many years he kept Kaname’s secret had he been this close to spilling it.
He needed to think of something fast. He needed to-
A pair of arms surrounded him and before he could protest Niki pulled him into a hug. His gray air tickled HiMERU’s neck and his hands patted him gently on the back. HiMERU was too perplexed and just … stood there, arms hanging limply at his side. HiMERU had not a lot of experience with hugs but they usually didn’t feel this comforting or soothing.
He slowly raised his arms and wrapped them carefully around Niki’s middle, trying to find the most appropriate pressure. He even allowed himself to slightly lean into the touch. Niki pulled him a bit closer.
They stayed like that for a moment until Niki pulled away again, but not before squeezing HiMERU tight in his arms one last time.
“I’m so sorry, that’s awful! No wonder you’ve been so sad the whole day. You can talk to us, you know that right? It’s not good to keep things only to yourself. Think about all the energy that consumes! And you haven’t even been eating anything today!”
HiMERU wanted to remind him that he indeed had at least breakfast and half the sandwich but Niki’s next question let the words die in his throat.
“What’s their favorite food?”
HiMERU didn’t know how to reply to that but Niki in his usual demeanor of not being able to shut up, did the talking for him:
“I don’t wanna be intruding-“
“Intrusive?”
“I don’t wanna be intrusive, but I thought we could cook your friend‘s favorite food and you can take it with you to the hospital. That’ll surely raise their spirit! And hospital food is never that good anyway.”
It was remarkable how Niki managed to jump to conclusions with so little information. He didn’t even ask why HiMERU’s friend was in the hospital.
HiMERU didn’t have the heart to tell him that Kaname hadn’t eaten his favorite food in a long time and probably won’t in the near future, so he just nodded and agreed. This was better after all than trying to tell the story without exposing himself and with that reopening old wounds.
“Well, what is their favorite food?”, Niki asked after he put away the last of the groceries.
HiMERU pondered for a moment. As much as it hurt, the hard reality was that most likely he had to eat the food instead of Kaname. At least he was used to taking his friend’s place.
“Cake”, he replied at last, “It’s easy to transport and he loves cheesecake dearly.”
“Cake it is!” Niki knelt down to grab some bowls from the lowest cabinet. “That’s actually perfect, ‘cause you can help me a lot! Can you get the mixer from that drawer?”
The next hour they spent working on the cheesecake. HiMERU was impressed that Niki had all the ingredients ready and knew the recipe from the top of his head. But then again Niki was a professional chef. It was easy to forget that sometimes due to Niki’s naive personality and all their idol work they did together.
Even Niki didn’t know what he prioritized more.
With Niki’s expertise and HiMERU’s help, they finally finished their baking and sat down on the couch to each try a piece of their making. After all, Kaname wouldn’t be able to eat the whole thing, Niki explained, so it was fine if they each ate a piece.
HiMERU hadn’t realized it but he actually had gotten a bit hungry and so the first bite of the cake felt like heaven. To say it was delicious would’ve been an understatement.
“And do you like it? Is it good?”
Niki had already gulped down half of his piece, apparently more hungry than he had let on. Considering his condition, HiMERU excused the behavior.
“Yes, HiMERU likes it a lot.” And Kaname would do as well if he could, he thought to himself.
Forgetting his meal plan, he managed to eat his entire piece, because he couldn’t bear to look into Niki’s disappointed face if he didn’t.
After the cake came dinner.
Niki whirled through the kitchen, throwing pots and pans around while he ordered HiMERU to sit on the stool by the counter and cut some vegetables.
This was nice, HiMERU decided after a while, domestic even, something HiMERU never knew he would enjoy this much. It was very different from how he usually spent his evenings: either alone in the dorm or wandering around outside or at Kaname’s side in the hospital if he couldn’t make it there in the morning. He rarely spent time with his unit members, especially like this, but he found himself enjoying Niki’s company.
The small smile didn’t leave his lips anymore and Niki beamed every time he turned around to him and saw it.
Outside it had started to rain. Raindrops splattered against the glass of the window and Niki had to turn on a lot more lights on as the sky darkened.
Dinner was a pasta dish HiMERU didn’t know the name of or it was one of Niki’s own creations. Again, the food was delicious (Niki himself made it after all) but HiMERU felt full after just a couple of bites. He wasn’t used to eating so much throughout the day, let alone eating such a huge portion in the evening. So, he pushed the plate in Niki’s direction while he wrapped his fingers around the mug of tea Niki had prepared for him.
“You don’t like it?” Niki nodded toward his plate.
“Oh no, HiMERU did. It is a bit much for HiMERU, but Shiina can have HiMERU’s portion if he wants.”
Niki of course did want and just a couple of minutes later both plates were empty and put away neatly in the dishwasher.
“Do you want to stay over for the night?”, Niki asked before HiMERU had the chance to say anything.
Throughout their meal, HiMERU had noticed the display of Niki’s phone lighting up constantly as he got message after message and probably even a couple of calls. He had put the device on silence though, since the display was the only indication HiMERU got that no doubt Amagi was blowing up his phone. Maybe he noticed that his keys were missing.
Niki still looked at him in barely contained anticipation and HiMERU felt the devil and the angel on his shoulders discussing wildly. He should leave … but who was kidding at this point.
“HiMERU will gladly stay with Shiina.”
When did HiMERU get so weak?
That was the only thought he had when he laid next to Niki in his bed. They watched some episode of a random cooking show HiMERU had never watched before and when it got time for bed his resistance to Niki’s smile was so little it was easy for the chef to coax him to sleep in his bed and not on the couch.
And now he laid here under the heavy blankets with Niki barely an arm’s length away and his hands shook because he had to think about the next morning and how he got to the hospital from Niki’s apartment and how his phone rested on the bedside table, quiet, while Niki’s display still lit up from time to time.
And how Kaname laid in his hospital bed, fighting for his life. Alone.
And HiMERU laid here, warm and privileged.
His hands trembled even more as he rolled over onto his other side, looking directly at Niki’s back. He couldn’t tell if the chef was already sleeping but at least his breathing was quite deep and steady. HiMERU watched him for a moment and tried to focus on the way Niki’s chest rose and fell to steady his own racing heart. Slowly, he closed his eyes.
But sleep wouldn’t come.
HiMERU was so cold.
He curled up further into himself in a desperate effort to warm his limbs and opened his eyes again to stare at Niki’s back. He remembered Niki’s warm hands touching his forehead and cheeks, holding his hand, or his arms around his body. He could feel the warmth Niki was radiating underneath the blanket.
His self-control had been slipping throughout the day and now it reached rock bottom.
He slowly moved closer to Niki. Drawn in by his friend’s warmth like a moth to the light and carefully wrapped his arms around Niki’s middle. It was a bit awkward to get his arm under Niki’s body because he was so slow and gentle, scared Niki might leave and he’d be alone again. But Niki stayed right where he was and even leaned back a bit when HiMERU tentatively rested his forehead between his shoulder blades. His hand found HiMERU‘s, letting their fingers intertwined again.
HiMERU never realized how cold it was to always be alone. Niki was warm and soft and still smelled like the cake they had baked. He sighed against the smooth fabric of Niki’s t-shirt and buried his face even more against his back.
The heavy blanket around his shoulders, Niki’s warm body in his arms, the tiredness in his limbs, and the silence in his mind… all of it put HiMERU at ease.
He didn’t remember the last time he felt so content.
“HiMERU-kun?” He apparently thought too much of Niki. Of course, he could only shut his mouth for so long. “HiMERU-kun … are you cry-“
“Don’t”, he whispered softly. He was so close to breaking down, so close to letting go.
He hadn’t even realized he started crying but now that Niki mentioned it, he felt the tears flowing freely, staining Niki’s t-shirt. Each tear made HiMERU feel even more broken and made this whole situation even more humiliating. Yet he couldn’t stop the tears even if he tried.
He didn’t want to admit it but the crying felt relieving.
Niki squirmed in his embrace and pushed at HiMERU’s arms to get him to let go. HiMERU reluctantly gave in. The coldness returned immediately and made his hands numb and his brain started working again: How messy his hair was, how pathetic the look on his face must be, the tear stains, the humiliation, the …
Niki threw his arms around him, one hand around his middle, the other one moving to his neck, pushing his face against Niki’s collarbone. The hands were warm and moving in calming circles and with reassuring pressure. Niki’s breath tickled his ear and hair and god he was so soft.
HiMERU broke.
He pressed himself against Niki’s body, pressing his face hard against his neck to hide the tears again, and put his arms around Niki’s waist to pull him close. The tears were running down his cheeks, wetting Niki’s skin and with each circle, Niki drew on his back, it became harder to suppress the sobs.
He never realized how nice it felt to be held and how much he needed it.
They stayed like this for a while: HiMERU completely content with never moving again in his life, until Niki got restless again. His arms left HiMERU’s back and neck and instead, he leaned forward and grabbed something behind him from the drawer of the nightstand. A second later HiMERU heard the telltale crinkle of wrapping paper and then a piece of chocolate was put against his lips.
“You should eat it, it really helps.”
HiMERU felt like throwing up when he smelled the sweetness of the candy but he complied. Niki stroked his hair in response and also took a piece … or two.
“Niki?”, he whispered barely loud enough that the chef could hear him. Niki’s body tensed for a moment before he tucked some loose hairs back behind HiMERU’S ear and hummed as a sign that he heard.
“Can we just stay like this?” How utterly humiliating, but HiMERU couldn’t put HiMERU’s and Kaname’s needs before ‘his’ own right now. He felt like his sanity would start slipping if he would.
Niki’s response was a tightening of his arms around HiMERU and one of his hands moved to the back of his neck, gently drawing circles underneath his hairline. HiMERU sighed, muscles going lax, and buried his face even further against Niki’s warm skin.
After a while, the movement of Niki’s hand slowed as his breathing evened out. HiMERU felt the steady rise and fall of his chest against his own and with each breath, he felt himself get more sleepy as well. With a deep sigh he allowed his eyes to fall shut.
The consequences of his little self-care escapade could wait until tomorrow, for now, he entangled his legs with Niki’s and tried to get as much warmth as the chef was willing to share with him.
And after all, Niki was quite dense, incredibly caring, and warm, but still not the brightest.
HiMERU trusted him enough that this, the whole day, would stay between them.
HiMERU didn’t remember when he fell asleep but it was the best rest he had gotten in a long time.